matter

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One

This story occurred on Melbourne radio. One of the stations has a competition where they ring someone

A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.He breaks into a house to look for money and

One day, a young cowboy and a cowgirl decided to get married. He was a man of the world and she was an

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall.A young man walked up to the bench and sat down. He had

A newly married man asks his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?""Darling,"

A man had been driving all night and by morning was still far from his destination. He decided to stop

It was the final examination for an introductory English course at the UW. Like many such freshman courses,

A man with a bad stomach complaint goes to his local doctor and asks him what he can do. The doctor replies

A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous & sexy young

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After

A motorcycle cop pulled over a Lamborghini Diablo

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says,

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all

One morning, a man got on an elevator on the fourth

A brunette goes to the doctor and says, "Everywhere

A plane leaves Los Angeles airport under the control

FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS, CLASS OF 2003! First of all

Cindy Lou Edleman Performs Quality Sexual Favors

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus

1. If being chased through town, you can usually

This week, the Bush administration finally released

Eddie went shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally

What do you call a dog with no legs? Doesn't matter...

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all

Not to cuss. Not to cohabitate. Not to use that

Dick Cheney walks into the Oval Office and sees

"There are only two reasons to sit in the back

It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered

1) Pretend to be one of the Bush family. Doesn't

1. I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no

Doctor Dave slept with one of his patients and

Where do the characters go when I use my backspace

I. Know that although the cat has the advantage

1. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes. 2.

A few clues to being a true Louisianan: 1. Your

At one point during a game, the coach said to one

A reporter cornered George W. Bush at a press conference:

A cop pulls over a car that's been swerving across

A man walks into a bar and orders a double, obviously

A programmer was crossing a road one day when a

Once upon a time there was a 98-year old woman

1) Large, loft-style apartments in New York City

Howard had felt guilty all day long. No matter

A farmer rears 25 young hens and one old cock.

No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize a

A small north Florida wild animal park had acquired

Albert Einstein used to go to dinners where he

There was an older man who'd married a younger

12. In the Star Wars universe, weapons are rarely,

There was an old man named Bill, and one of the

A man was driving along a dusty road, when he ran

A guy who was in the Air Force had just spent a

There was a husband and a wife. The husband was

Her version: Oh did I mention or did I not? Well

There was a man with a restaurant near a construction

Two blondes suddenly got into bird hunting and

10. Does this come in children's sizes? 9.

A couple had been married 10 years. One afternoon,

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus

A certain zoo had acquired a very rare species

MEMORANDUM RE: Computer Software Warning Last

An old man is sitting on a park bench crying his

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. Walking

A mother is making a cake for her three sons when

A man walked into a bar on a slow night and sat

1. Even though more people live on Vancouver Island,

A woman visits her physician. After waiting for

Two midgets on a bender in Vegas hire two hookers

There was a old man sitting on a bench outside

The Perfect Dump -- Every once in a while, each

Slash, a well-known murderer, had been on death

A woman is sitting at a bar, enjoying an after

Two guys are hitting the links at their local golf

Words can't describe your outfit, so I'll just

* We got off the Titanic first. * We can scare

20) With chocolate size doesn't matter; it's always

Q: What do you call a dog with no legs? A:

Three blondes were witnesses to a crime, so they

A man was sitting on a bus looking ashamed. The

There once was this deacon and this preacher, and

There are approximately two billion children (persons

A Jewish guy's mother gave him two sweaters for

A man was walking on the beach when he happened

A fellow walks into a bar very down on himself.

For the first time in, oh, a decade, I think, something

This city guy just bought a 400 acre ranch. He's

A young fellow walks into a bar. An old crotchety

You don't have to put cream in your coffee to

Belts. Women use belts an an accessory, guys use

* It can be up or down. It's more fun when it's

10. You're guaranteed to get at least a little

1) You can GET chocolate. 2) “If you love

Q: Have you heard about the lawyers' word

    One day many years ago, a fisherman's

Make love, not war. Hell, do both: get married! *

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock

Two girlfriends were speeding down the highway

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a

A cab driver reaches the Pearly Gates and announces

If the government is going to put health warning

One fine day, Jim and Bob are out golfing. Jim

A young blonde stock broker was bored with her

A big shot businessman had to spend a couple of

When the ark's door was closed, Noah called a meeting

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says,

    A few months ago, there was

    A trucker who had driven his

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada

Santa was very cross. It was Christmas Eve and

10) You are guaranteed to get at least a little

    Stupid people should have to

-It is always possible to park directly outside

I want to be a kid again. I want to go back to

I consider Wal-Mart to be God's gift to shoppers.Ã, 

An FM station has a competition where they ring

    The following information was

A young wife, her boorish husband and a young good

No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize

Three guys died and when they got to the pearly

A married couple was in a terrible accident where

A newlywed couple on their honeymoon gets to the

Malamute x Pointer = Moot Point, favorites of lawyers

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED: 1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats. 2)

Charlie's wife, Lucy, had been after him for several weeks to paint the seat on their commode. Finally,

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me,

The only cow in a small Kentucky town stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found

A guy walks into a bar and sees a gorgeous woman nursing a drink. Walking up behind her he says:

Customer: Hi. How much is your paint? Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things. Customer:

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the

1. What are you thinking about? 2. Do you love me? 3. Do I look fat in this? 4. Do you think

Entries in a Dog's Diary: 7 am - Oh boy! A walk! My favorite! 8 am - Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite! 9

A priest from Ireland was assigned to a Texas diocese. One morning, Father O'Malley rose from his

A guy walks into a bar, sits down, and asks, "Bartender, got any specials today?" Bartender answers,

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she

Even if you aren't a skier, you'll be able to appreciate the humor of the slopes as written by a New

Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around Home Depot when they collide. The

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that,

A guy walks into an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll. Guy behind the counter says, "Male

At Heathrow Airport in England, a 300 ft. red carpet was stretched out to Air Force One and President

The only cow in a small town in Arkansas stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found

I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy."

A tourist from Albegestan goes on his first overseas trip. Upon arriving, he is visibly puzzled filling

DINING OUT 1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly

In Florida, an atheist became incensed over the preparation for Easter and Passover holidays and decided

I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court. I noticed an old man watching a teenager

Bubba decided it was time to purchase a new saw to help clear his heavily timbered property. A salesman

Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch

A woman went to the doctor's office and was seen by one of the new young doctors. After about four

We've all had the annoying experience of calling up a hotline and waiting on the phone for eons to

Take Care of the Big Rocks First A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 7-year-old hockey players aside and asked,

Love- When your eyes meet across a crowded room. Lust- When your tongues meet across a crowded room. Marriage-

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she

Twas the day after Christmas, and all through the house, Every creature was hurtin', even the mouse. The

No matter what you do or where you go, you're always going to be yourself. And Panexa knows this. Your

A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event, hosted by a local liberal arts college.

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage

10. Guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack. 9. If you get tired, wait 10 minutes

Save all manner of bacon grease. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let

Wife: Oh, come on. Husband: Leave me alone! Wife: It won't take long. Husband: I won't be

The Mr. Right Rejection Letter Form Dear [____rejectee's name here_____], I regret to inform

Customer: Hi. How much is your paint? Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things. Customer:

When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly

"Remember, never ask a geek "why"; just nod your head and back away slowly... " Dan Wineman Memory

A big shot executive had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses

NUDITY I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible

Commandment 1. Marriages are made in heaven. But so again are thunder and lightning. Commandment

A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past and looks up and says to the

1. "I got kicked out of Riverdance for using my arms." - Michael Flatley (lead Riverdancer) 2.

In the year 2005, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said, "Once

A man walks into a bar and sees a good-looking woman sitting on a stool. He walks up to her and says,

As a crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a five-year-old boy who picks

1.) Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. 2.) If

If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise. - Unknown Some days you're the dog; some

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned. The doctor told

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the

Who said men don't remember anniversaries? A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband

I. There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa

George Carlin Speaks Out... I Am Your Worst Nightmare. I am a BAD American. I am George Carlin. I

Some of us Southerners are pretty skeptical of horoscopes and the people that read them. If we are

"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand." Woody

Always wear brown shoes when Congress is in session. If the First Daughters are wearing short skirts,

PARIS HILTON CALLS FOR END TO SWIFT BOAT FLAP Says It's drawing Attention Away From Her Hotel

1. Never take a beer to a job interview. 2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting

A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling

A biker stopped by the local Harley Shop to have his bike repaired. They couldn't do the work while

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of

Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad. Canadians: Are rather indignant about

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she

A redhead, brunette, and blonde are all in the hospital waiting to give birth. The redhead turns

He, who laughs last, thinks slowest. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film. A

There were two old geezers living in the backwoods of the Ozarks...Rufus and Clarence. They lived

A friend just got back from a holiday ski trip to Utah with the kind of story that warms the cockles

Some of us Southerners are pretty skeptical of horoscopes and the people that read them. If we are

Toward the end of the golf course, Dave somehow managed to hit his ball into the woods finding it

A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play.

1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I wan' all dem kids to do what I do,

A husband and wife were traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours

One fine day, Jim and Bob are out golfing. Jim slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He grabs

An old man was sitting on a bus. A young man sat down beside him. He had spiked hair in all different

1. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards,

A Policeman was drilling 3 blondes, who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in

(Internal Revenue Service, an agency of the government to whom Americans pay taxes on their salary.) --Always

Hubby - You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why? Wife - When there is a problem,

While waiting in line at the bank, a co-worker developed a very loud case of hiccups. By the time

At one point during a game, the coach said to one of his young players, "Do you understand what cooperation

Dear Diary: Day 1 Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When

two Old Ladies Were Outside Their Nursing Home, Having A Smoke, When It Started To Rain. One Of The

A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His camel dies of thirst. He's crawling

This little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with passing gas, but

A 75 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar

A nurse of an old folks home walked into the room of Mr. Jones and noticed he was crying at the foot

Doctor Joe had slept with one of his patients and had felt guilty all day long. No matter how

For a computer programming class, I sat directly across from someone, and our computers were facing

A man walked into a therapist's office looking very depressed. "Doc, you've got to help me. I can't

Margaret is very upset as her husband Albert had just passed away. She went to the undertakers

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, Interviews, and testing

Blonde Boater A True Story Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an

Two men were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freight vessel. While

A man was called in for an audit by the IRS. So he asked his accountant for advice on what to wear.

A tourist from Bulgaria visited the United States on his first overseas trip. Upon arrival at the Immigration

A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills

During his visit to the United States, the Pope met with President Clinton. Instead of just an hour

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at

Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price, but it's missing a

A crusty old marine corps colonel found himself at a gala event downtown, hosted by a local liberal

A man with a bad stomach complaint goes to his doctor and asks him what he can do. The doctor replies

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny,

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop somewhere in Washington DC. Picking through the objects

A young wife, her boorish husband and a young good looking sailor were shipwrecked on an island. One

A cute little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor

A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he wants to buy a pet that can do everything. The

A man walked into a therapists office looking very depressed, "Doc, you've got to help me. I can't

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss concerned about all his employees well