minute

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts

There was a huge nut tree by the cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and

Patient : How much to have this tooth pulled?Dentist : $90.00.Patient : $90.00 for just a few minutes

Most people hate to parallel park. The other day, I saw this woman trying to get out of a tight parking

In San Francisco, a man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into a local branch and wrote,

This story occurred on Melbourne radio. One of the stations has a competition where they ring someone

A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away.She protested, "But we don't

A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions

One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered

A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!"I grabbed my stuff,

Two guys left the bar after a long night of drinking, jumped in the car and started it up. After a couple

One day, a young cowboy and a cowgirl decided to get married. He was a man of the world and she was an

An Arab has spent many days crossing the desert without finding a source of water. It gets so bad that

Question : Ms. America, how do you describe a male organ in your country?Ms. America : Well, I can

Michael Jordan made over $300,000 a game. That equals $10,000 a minute, at an average of 30 minutes per

A Japanese man was in a hurry to go to the KLIA airport, so he took a Proton taxi. The taxi driver took

There was this little boy about 12 years old walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a

A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out the camel suddenly

St. Peter is leafing through the Big Book to see if the guy is worthy of entering. After several minutes,

A young man called John died and he went to Heaven to begin his afterlife journey. However, he was stopped

Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went to breakfast

First-year students at a Medical School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay

A blonde dials 911 to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain

A man on a camel rode through miles of the sun-drenched desert searching for some sign of life. His supplies

An Arab has spent many days crossing the desert without finding a source of water. It gets so bad that

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him

It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When

A tired traveler pulls into a hotel around midnight. Very tired after a long day's trip he asks the clerk

A little guy gets on a plane and sits next to the window.A few minutes later, a big, heavy, strong, mean-looking,

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car

There was once a Scotsman and an Englishman who lived next door to each other. The Scotsman owned a hen

A few fraternity brothers needed to fill a science requirement in order to graduate, so they spent weeks

Little John was playing with his airplane in the back yard and his mother was in the kitchen washing

A man goes to a restaurant and orders a chicken dish. By the time the food is ready and he is about to

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and

RelationshipsWhen a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and

A psychiatrist advised his timid little patient to assert himself. "Don't let your wife bully you. Go

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit

In a small airplane there were four people: the pilot, the Pope, Bill Gates and a hitchhiker. They were

A 65-year-old woman gave birth to a baby boy. When

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night

There was this case in the hospital's Intensive

One day, a priest decides to take a walk to the

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After

Once upon a time there were three little pigs.

Saddam Hussein and President George W. Bush meet

There was a man who had worked all of his life,

A blonde is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory.

A man approaches a beautiful woman in a supermarket. ââ,¬Å"Iââ,¬â"¢ve

A woman visiting her doctorââ,¬â"¢s office

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all

God was talking to Adam one day when Adam begins

Two cowboys walk into a roadhouse to wash the trail

Yo mama so stupid, it took her two hours to watch

Yo Mama is so stupid it took her an hour to make

A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never

On Irish radio there is a guy called Larry Gogan

A man climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai and gets close

A plane leaves Los Angeles airport under the control

A blonde wearing a headset walks into a barbershop

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop. Right away they

An Amish woman and her son are walking through

There was a man who loved baked beans, but they

Yo momma''s so dumb, she took an hour to make minute

A blonde rings up an airline. She asks, "How

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus

You sing so well you belong on a stage....... coach

This desperate guy named Jim goes to the whorehouse

A blonde was headed to Detroit. She got on the

1. If being chased through town, you can usually

A secretary for a foreign embassy was entertaining

Adam was talking to his friend at the bar, and

There was a competition to cross the English channel

What a woman says, what she really means... I

Eddie went shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally

What is the differnce between a golf ball and a

A man went to a cafe and ordered some soup. Half

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all

I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I

SICKNESS AND RELATED LEAVE: We will no longer

In a city park stood two statues, one female and

Three Americans were up against a very large Russian

Years of straining with poopie-ing, we can only

You've lost the feeling below your ankles. When

Oil Change instructions for Women: Pull up to

A man had a terrible passion for baked beans, but

December 1 - Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey.

It's legal to earn money playing hockey Many people

Fifty Ways To Annoy Osama bin Laden If You're Invited

I think Santa Claus is a woman... I hate to be

A guy says, "Doc, you gotta help me. Every time

This guy walks into a bar near a concert hall with

1) Pretend to be one of the Bush family. Doesn't

1. Blast the Phantom of the Opera at midnight and

A GOOD ONE... enjoy. There was this case in the

This lady is on an airplane and is seated next

Two guys were working at a sawmill one day when

Gumor said to Selma. Selma can I put my finger

Over a gynecologist's office: "Dr. Jones, at your

Malcolm: Miss Wilson can I go to the loo? Miss

Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look

There were two old guys, Abe and Sol, sitting on

A guy about to tee off was approached by a man

George W. Bush is sitting in a hotel lobby, planning

An Alabama man turned 18 and went to a local house

Tiger Woods was traveling through rural Kentucky

Two Yankees fans are on a train up to Boston to

A few clues to being a true Louisianan: 1. Your

In a class on abnormal psychology, the instructor

1. Leave permanent markers by the dry-erase board. 2.

George W. Bush is sitting in a hotel lobby, planning

As a pre-med student at Washington University in

A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and

The way this game works is every time the word

The bumper sticker on your car reads: "What Would

OBJECTIVE To disengage said bra without looking

A blonde walked into her final exam very nervous.

Two junior co-eds went to the movies one night.

A question had appeared in a student's medical

"Honey, let's have sex," says the husband. "Wait

A honeymoon couple are lying in bed when the husband

Why is it when a man talks nasty to a women it's

There was this nouveau riche blond girl, who went

I'M GLAD I'M A MAN I'm glad I'm a man, you better

A woman goes into a adult toy shop to buy a dildo.

While walking home from work one day, Frank saw

Two guys are at the doctor's office, each has got

One night a man rolls over in bed and gives his

Two weeks ago was my forty-fifth birthday, and

It's the spring of 1957 and Bobby, a pretty hip

The finals of the National Poetry Contest last

This woman is rushed to the hospital in critical

Two sisters, a blonde and a brunette, inherit the

It was Saturday morning and Jake, an avid hunter,

A woman and her husband go to the doctor because

In class one day, Mr. Johnson pulled Johnny over

Three Americans were up against a very large Russian

Two drunk guys stumble out of a bar and get into

* Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people

Yo mama is so dumb, it took her an hour to cook

One fine day in the middle of class at school,

There once was a little kid named Billy who loved

1) Large, loft-style apartments in New York City

One day three women went camping - a blonde, a

A man is away on business, at a convention for

A Welshman, an Englishman and a Irishman were being

One Friday night in San Fransisco, a man hops a

A blind man goes into a whorehouse and asks for

A drunk is driving through the city and his car

10. This is your captain speaking and I don't feel

One day, a farmer decides to buy a new rooster

THINGY (thing-ee) n. For a female: Any part under

* Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell

A man, Bob, and his friend Joe went out hunting.

A frog leaps out of the magical forest where he

An elephant was walking through the jungle one

Yo' mama's like Sprint -- ten cents a minute, anytime,

Some time ago President Clinton was hosting a state

A pilot was forced to make a crash landing in a

There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from

A plumber attended to a leaking faucet at a neurosugeon's

How To Shower Like A Woman... * Take off clothing

A guy just died and he's at the pearly gates,

There was a woman and her husband. They were happily

There were three guys in a car. One driving, the

A man walks into a barber shop with his daughter.

There's a guy who lives in Ohio. One morning, he

Every morning a man drives to the dock, and every

A woman walks into a bar and orders a drink. A

The Pope goes to New York. He is picked up at

There was a guy, who was the most buff guy, and

There was a long line of souls before the gate

A couple has been married for 50 years. One day

This guy lives in Westchester, NY and goes to

A cop drives up to lovers lane and sees a car there.

A man walks into a bar and sees a large chest of

It is a normal drill day at the Marine base in

A farm boy who had just finished his schooling

A man comes home from work and sits in his recliner

Joe walks into a bar. Joe's friend, Al, sits down

A man notices a peculiar rash on his chest. The

What is the best thing about getting head from

A blonde is on a four-engine plane crossing the

What is it when a man talks dirty to a woman? Sexual

One day a blonde is sitting on a plane next to

One day a lady walks into a pet store to buy her

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus

There was a competition between a team of blondes

Once upon a time there were two men. One of them

A guy is on a trip with his girlfriend and he only

It's Saturday morning and Bob's just about to set

What's the best part of a blowjob? Ten minutes

An Eskimo man awoke one day with the urge to go

Two lawyers, Jon and Amanpreet, head out for their

So this lady goes to her doctor and explains that

A man died and went to straight down to hell. The

A lady walks into a bar and says,'' Barkeep, gimme

10) Collect potatoes. Paint faces on them and

Two gay men decide to get themselves chased by

3 Irish monks have passed all tests, except for

When the nurse was bathing a female patient who

Jesus and Moses went golfing. Jesus was about

Two very elderly ladies were enjoying the sunshine

Have you seen the hottest new Catholic porn film? It's

One day a man was stuck in bumper to bumper traffic,

Ole was on his death bed. But before he died,

There was once a Scotsman and an Englishman who

(Disclaimer--Some of this stuff is illegal.) *Ask

A city slicker went to the country to buy a pig.

One day, an old guy gets on a bus. Several minutes

Many women are afraid of their first mammogram,

Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the Gates,

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.

A guy walks into a bar with an alligator. It's

St. Peter was standing outside the gates of heaven

A very thirsty guy realizes that he's just walked

The was a man named George who got a new job.

There was a man who just got out of the army.

There was a lady at a bar. Every time she wanted

A mother is making a cake for her three sons when

A man walked into a bar on a slow night and sat

A man goes into a psychiatric hospital to visit

10) ''They told me at the blood bank this might

At the nursing home, Abe and Edna had struck up

1. Even though more people live on Vancouver Island,

If someone ever says, “What are you staring

Things a Man Would Do if He Woke up with a Vagina 10.

A woman visits her physician. After waiting for

Q: What do a man and a rollercoaster have in common?

A young boy walks into a whore house dragging a

After working out in the gym, Bill, a gay man was

Three blondes were taking a walk in the country

A blonde got a dent in her car and took it in to

A man was out of town on business. While sitting

Two men were out fishing, when they found a lamp

There was a man who would come home blind drunk

Grandma & Grandpa are sitting on the porch, when

This is a true story about a recent wedding that

The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with

The Smiths had no children and decided to use a

One sunny Saturday morning, the first of a twosome

There were these two vampires talking. One says

Once there was a substitute teacher taking over

Once there was a group of vampire bats that lived

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are on the

Every year, Grandma and her grandkids, Suzy, Jill,

* Take shopping carts for the express purpose of

There was a chicken farmer who owned a talking

Two missionaries in Africa were apprehended by

Once there was this man whose car broke down.

An old man and an old woman are sitting in a nursing

So this guy walks into a whorehouse and asks the

Five pigs were standing outside a bar. The first

One Sunday morning, a little girl and her mother

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping

The teacher was checking her student roster on

Once upon a time there lived a woman in Brampton

Yo mama's so stupid it took her 2 hours to watch

A state trooper spied a car puttering along at

A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path

One night, a police officer was staking out a particularly

A mystery-lover takes his place in the theater

you grind your coffee beans in your mouth. you

A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus

An old wizard was walking through a park when he

There was a man whose elbow hurt so he told his

A guy walks into a restaurant and orders spaghetti.

This man decided that on his birthday he was going

Three blondes were witnesses to a crime, so they

A guy is in a bar with a bunch of his friends.

A blonde went to go get her haircut wearing pair

Fred, Bob, and Mike were driving down the street

A blonde got lost in her car in a snowstorm. She

A guy is drinking in a bar, and the bartender asks

You wake up face down on the pavement. You

A blonde, a brunette, and a man are driving in

There is this extremely horny guy who loves to

One night, as a couple lies down for bed, the husband

Two guys are in mental instituition. One guy

There once was a man named Joe and he was talking

Jimmy White walks into a bar and orders a beer,

This hous wife got tired of being alone everyday

A guy was walking down the road, to a city about

A very respected Captain in the foreign legion

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful

It's the spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick

The doctor was walking around checking by his patients

One night a bartender was closing up his bar and

A blonde was about to commit suicide by jumping

A man visits the doctor's because he has a severe

What does Bill Clinton say to Hillary Clinton after

One day at the rest home, an old man and woman

Titles Considered for Monica's Autobiography 1.

A young fellow walks into a bar. An old crotchety

You don't have to put cream in your coffee to

A guy goes over to his friend's house and knocks

There's a guy and a lady sitting on the porch.

A grandson ran up to his grandfather and asked

Two construction workers were working on the 30th

Once upon a time there was a family of tomatoes

There was a man once that was always talking about

There's this fellow with a parrot. And the parrot

What are the top three reasons why it's awful to

Belts. Women use belts an an accessory, guys use

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves

Your mama is so fat, her stomach arrives home 30

These individual quotes were reportedly taken from

An elderly husband and wife noticed that they were

One day, a mother was taking a bath when her 5

All men are idiots, and I married their King.

10. You're guaranteed to get at least a little

As he is quietly watching television at home, a

Three men walk into a bar and the barman says,

A man was digging in his garden, when his shovel

It's a really hot day and this penguin is having

A little old lady goes into the Chase Manhattan

Woman: Attempt to wake husband. Feed baby. Make

Two hunters are stalking through the forest when

A string walks into a bar with a few friends and

A blonde walked into a gas station and said to

This lady is throwing a party where each guest

How many minutes does it take a blonde to screw

Q: What do Disney World & Viagra have in common?

One night a father sent his kid to bed. Five minutes

A survey of top personnel executives of 100 major

An American businessman goes to Japan on a business

She is so blonde that it takes her two hours to

A guy walked into a bar with a pet alligator by

What's the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?About

In a trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes through

Cross my heart this happened to someone. This guy

A guy heard from his doctor that masturbating before

This guy has always dreamed of owning a Harley

A young woman with small breasts buys a finely carved

Two couples were playing cards.  John accidentally

Two old guys, Abe and Sol, are sitting on a park

A man who smelled like a distillery flopped down

One day, a diver was enjoying the aquatic world

An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her

As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I can get

    NBC 8:00 Friends 8:30

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting

WHAT WOMEN SAY & REALLY MEAN: CAN'T WE JUST

Intelligence Test Instructions: Write each of

An old man from a far off land was once on the

The other day, my friends and I went to this Ladies

    A woman walks into her accountant's

Three couples were married and stayed at the same

A young blonde stock broker was bored with her

A big shot businessman had to spend a couple of

Harry and his wife are having hard financial times,

A women desperately looking for work goes into

    Two Italian virgins get married

    On preparing to return home

    A few months ago, there was

A man who was a little slow was visiting his wife

Three guys, a teenager, his father and his grandfather

One night, as a couple lies down for bed, the husband

There were three babies in a woman's womb, and

NAME: "Expecteria Trouserius" (Trouser Snake) LOCATION:

Q:  What's the difference between a girlfriend

    A fireman came from work one

But Doctor, You HAVE To! In Turkey, Mehmet Esirgen, 52,

A man noticed a woman in the grocery store with

'Twas the night before crisis, And behind White

A man had a terrible passion for baked beans, but

A guy comes home from the bar drunk one night around

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and

Two statues stood in a city park: one female and

These two eggs had just been married and were on

10) You are guaranteed to get at least a little

A secretary for a foreign embassy was entertaining

Two ladies are sitting next to each other on a

In the back woods of Arkansas, Mr. Stewart's wife

    A guy is sitting at a bar in

    Stupid people should have to

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night

Two guys were attending a party in the woods, when

I want to be a kid again. I want to go back to

Two guys were hiking in the mountains when they

Eddie's first-grade class was having a game of

Date     It's the Spring of 1957

Two priests were going to Hawaii on vacation and

A guy walks into a store for some last-minute Christmas

$ Michael Jordan having "retired,"

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument

An army major visits the sick soldiers, goes up

Monica Lewinsky virus: Sucks all the memory

    Curators at India's Baroda Museum

Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died yesterday

"Yes" = No "No" = Yes "Maybe"

A farmhand is driving 'round the farm, checking

An FM station has a competition where they ring

Saddam Hussein and George W. Bush meet up in Baghdad

    For all you guys out there who

Little Johnny was in church with him mom for Sunday

    13> Driving your fellow Congressman

Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes

A strong young man at a construction site was bragging that he could out do anyone in a feat of strength.

Dress Code: 1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary. 2) If we see

1. Wear your glasses. Make sure your partner is actually in the bed. 2. Set timer for 3 minutes,

Next mood swing: 6 minutes I hate everybody, you're next. And your point is.............? I

A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack! "Help

I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it. I work hard because millions on welfare

Next time you have a bad day at work...think of this guy: Rob is a commercial saturation diver for

A mother and a baby camel were talking one day when the baby camel asked, "Mom, why do we have these

A drunk man who smelled like booze sat down on a bench next to a priest. The man's tie was stained,

A guy is going on a tour of a factory that produces various latex products. At the first stop, he

A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, "You have been a good cat all

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a client

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul

An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop. "Ma'am,

Morty and Saul, are out one afternoon on a lake when their boat starts sinking. Saul the banker

A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine

Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other

A husband and wife were sitting around one day drinking a bottle of wine. The husband turns to his

In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest

A man walks into the dentist's office and after the dentist examines him, the dentist says, "That

A guy had been feeling down for so long that he finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist.

Two male friends are out golfing one Saturday afternoon. After finishing one hole, they wait for

The only cow in a small Kentucky town stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found

A tour bus driver drives with a bus full of Sun City Christmas Shopper Seniors down a highway, when

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall

There was a Midwestern phone company that was going to hire one team of telephone pole installers,

A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older

Two couples were playing poker one evening. Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When

A retired corporate executive, now a widower, decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean

A young boy goes to the zoo with his father. As they are passing the elephant exhibit the youngster

A young woman was preparing for her wedding. She asked her mother to go out and buy a nice long black

A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in

In the past, employees were permitted to make trips to the restroom under informal guidelines. Effective

Dress Code: 1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary. 2) If we see

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb

A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?" Mom replies,

1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't. 2..

Me: Hello. AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T. Me: Is this AT&T? AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T. Me: This is

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. This man knows

A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year old bride who is pregnant

A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure

1. If you are choking on an ice cube simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! 2.

Luke's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger. After

I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men

Some time ago Mr. Clinton was hosting a state dinner when at the last minute his regular cook took

TO: MR. JAMES THATCHER, BRAND MANAGER, PROCTER & GAMBLE. Dear Mr. Thatcher, I have been a loyal

This is a true account recorded in the incident log of Jasper Cty, SC Sheriff's Office. An elderly

A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's

Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy

A woman sat in the waiting room when her octogenarian husband was in the examination room for his

An elderly couple was watching television one evening. The wife said, "I am going to get a dish of

An Italian, an Irishman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a Sydney construction site. The foreman

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a

A young Southern couple got married and went on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately

Joe grew up in Jamaica, then moved away to attend college and law school. He decided to come back

A contestant on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" had reached the final plateau. If she answered the

An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop.

If your unfortunate enough to have to visit Yankee Country - like Boston (pronounced BAH-stin), this

The only cow in a small town in Arkansas stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found

The wife comes home early and finds her husband in their master bedroom making love to a beautiful,

Deep in the back woods, of Letcher County Kentucky a hillbilly's wife went into labor in the middle

Dear Mrs. Fenton, Over the past six months, your husband, Mr. Bill Fenton has been causing quite

It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car.

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After

Pretty soon, I won't be able to do anything except sit in my chair and read! I must send my thanks

You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track. Logic is a systematic method

It's out! Brand new edition of... "You know you're A redneck when......" 1. You take your dog for

A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie. The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes. The

A certain college professor was notorious for getting off the topic of the lecture, and on to his favorite

An attractive woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down.

A couple of blonde men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the blonde men walked in

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder

I came across this exercise suggested for seniors, to build muscle strength in the arms and shoulders.

A woman went to the doctor's office and was seen by one of the new young doctors. After about four

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a good looking, older retired

I don't understand. After the last child was born, she told me we had to cut back on expenses, I had

A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block? Mom replies,

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage

10. Guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack. 9. If you get tired, wait 10 minutes

Steve complained to his friend Al that lovemaking with his wife was becoming routine and boring. "Get

Dear Husband: I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead show up for the same job interview. The brunette is the first

Pedro was trying to get into the U.S.legally through Immigration. The Officer said "Pedro, you have

The Italian man says, "Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I rubbed her body all over with olive

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One

During class, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asks the students: "Students, If you were on

There was a loser who couldn't get a date. He went to a bar and asked a guy how to get a date. The

The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of

A couple in their nineties are BOTH having problems remembering things. They decide to go to the doctor

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. This man knows his

--Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife

Two fellows from Alabama were sitting around talking one afternoon. After a while the first fellow

If Recipes were like tax forms.... * Line 1. Butter, a minimum of half a pound (8 oz.), but not

A big shot executive had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses

Little Tommy was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything; tutors, flash cards,

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched with horror as her ball headed directly towards

A young doctor had moved out to a small rural community to replace the retiring country doctor. The

A man walked into the women's department of Macy's in New York City.He found a saleslady, and told

It is with the saddest heart that I have to pass on the following news about a great American icon.. Veteran

In a small fishing village, a Newfoundlander was walking up the wharf carrying two - at least three

Fidel dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, St. Peter tells him that he is not on the list and

Sitting on the edge of the highway waiting to catch speeders, a state police officer saw a car driving

A construction worker goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I'm constipated." The doctor examines

A young man, who was also an avid golfer, found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He

This is a true story.. An elderly Florida lady did her shopping, and upon returning to her car,

Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the

Helpdesk: What kind of computer do you have? Female customer: A white one... -------------------------------------------------------------------- Hi,

A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded,

There was a little guy sitting at a bar drinking a beer. A while later a huge guy walked into the bar

After a night on the town, a young woman brought a new friend home for a late-night drink. "You can't

A groom and his newlywed wife go to the Hilton on their honeymoon. They check in at the front, and

A gentleman was just out of surgery for a appendicitus. His wife sat calmly beside him holding his

*Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal. *I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. *WANTED:

* Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot. * Learn from your parents' mistakes

I think Santa Claus is a woman .... I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's

A city slicker, named Tommy, was on vacation in Texas. His hosts, being very hospitable, invited him

"Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine." "I love cats...they taste just like chicken" "Out

A man is walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows. "Twenty bucks," she says.

Accountant - Someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing. Auditor - Someone

The finals of the National Youth Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. One was a student

It's the spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Bobby's a pretty hip guy

I know you have an interest in poker - here's a twist. Two couples were playing cards one evening.

A little boy was playing with a worm one day at his grandpa's house. Grandpa jokingly tells the young

THINGY (thing-ee) n. female: Any part under a car's hood. male: The strap fastener on a woman's

There was a man named George who got a new job. His fellow employees always met for a round of golf

It is with the saddest heart that I have to pass on the following news about a great American icon.. Veteran

A man decides to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the

1. Put bi-focals on . double check that you're with the right partner. 2. Set alarm on your clock

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me.

A man attempting to set up his new printer called the printer's tech Support number, complaining about

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young

On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things

A woman has had serious headaches for several years and has tried everything; been to several doctors

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar one day and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes,

George Bush goes to a primary [elementary] school to talk about the war. After his talk, he opens

A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff,

Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant. "Sid," asked Al, "Are there any Jews in China?"

Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday and I wasn't feeling too good that morning. I went to breakfast

A nun, really needing to go to the bathroom, walked into a neighborhood pub. The place was hopping

A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year-old bride who is

1. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever! Unless you actually

FINE This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to

man died and went to The Judgment. St. Peter met him at the Gates of Heaven and said, "Before you

An investment counselor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept

The local vicar is having a bath, and he's a little bored, so he decides to, 'pleasure' himself. He's

A man walked into a bar near Lexington, KY and ordered a beer just as former President Clinton appeared

An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She's chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when

A guy walks into a bar. He sits down at the end of the bar, next to another guy, who was the only

Here are some observations about the politicians who run our country. They are from a Washington, D.C.travel

HER DIARY Saturday night I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to

A southern farmer got in his pickup and drove several miles to a neighboring farm and knocked on the

A Policeman was drilling 3 blondes, who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in

Two elderly residents, one male and one female, were sitting alone in the lobby of their nursing home

ABBOT: Ultimate Super Duper Computer Store. Can I help you? COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up

What do you expect from such simple creatures!? Their last name stays put. The garage is all

DRESS CODE It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you

This is why God invented menopause....... With all the new technology regarding fertility, a 65

While waiting in line at the bank, a co-worker developed a very loud case of hiccups. By the time

Three old men are discussing their sex lives. The Italian man says, "Last week, my wife and I had

Ahmed came to the United States from Iraq, and was here only a few months when he became very ill.

I took some friends out to dinner last week, and I noticed a spoon in the shirt pocket of our waiter

A man and his wife were driving through country on his way from New York to California. Looking

Two old pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane by going back to the place where they first

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. One his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts

The husband didn't want to play in the "Couples Alternate Shot Tournament" at the club, but he reluctantly

What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever. What do attorneys use for birth control? Their

Morris complained to his friend Irving, that love making with his wife was becoming routine and boring. "Get

A man decides he wants to have a pig roast, so he goes out to a pig farm to buy one. He agrees on

The following story was written by Andrew Marlatt. It first appeared on SatireWire on Feb. 1, 2002

The Smiths were unable to conceive children, and decided to use a surrogate father to start their

God and Adam are talking in the Garden of Eden one day and God asks "How are you doing?" Adam replies

An entire new strain of viruses has just been uncovered and we wanted to get this information to you

Jones came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting

A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His camel dies of thirst. He's crawling

A brigade of Iraqi soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand

A little kid asks his father, "Daddy, is God a man or a woman?" "Both son. God is both." After

An old Indian chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a ceremonial pipe and eyeing two US

This guy walks into a quiet bar. He is carrying three ducks, one in each hand and one under his left

A few years ago, the Sierra Club and the U.S. Forest Service were presenting an alternative to Wyoming

So I went to the store the other day, I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in

A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a large amount of whisky at a

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few

A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next to a priest. The drunk's

A college physics professor was explaining a particularly complicated concept to his class when a

Three men - an American, a Japanese and an Irishman - were sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly there

Lone Ranger and Tonto are riding across the plains when Tonto stops suddenly, climbs down, and puts his

In a city park stood two statues, one female and the other male. These two statues faced each other

A drunk staggers into a bar demanding a beer. The bartender informed him that he was not allowed

For a computer programming class, I sat directly across from someone, and our computers were facing

Add It Up: Relationship Guide For all you guys out there who just can't figure it out, here it is:

It's Saturday morning and John's just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes that he

A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns

A policeman was patrolling a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw

Lil' Johnny's mother took her 5 year old son with her to the bank on a busy Friday. They were in

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The salesgirl notices him and asks

Two Polish guys were taking their first train trip to Warsaw on the train. A vendor came down the

A businessman and his secretary, overcome by passion, retire to his house for what is popularly termed

A farmer in the country noticed that a gentleman would fish at the lake (close to the farmer's house)

One night, a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the

You met him in prison. During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway. He tells you

..she sent me a fax with a stamp on it ...she thought a quarterback was a refund ...she tried to

A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at

A woman walks into a tattoo parlour. 'Do you do custom work?' she asks the artist. 'Why of course!' 'Good.

A blonde who's down on her luck is walking through a luxurious neighbourhood looking for odd jobs to

Dude walks into a pharmacy laughing hysterically, orders 2 condoms, still laughing, pays the pharmacist

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, Interviews, and testing

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they

A driver is pulled over by a policeman. Man: Is there a problem Officer? Officer: Sir, you were

There were two old guys, Abe and Sol, sitting on a bench in a park feeding pigeons and talking

A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at

An Irishman who had a little to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car

An old man was in bed with his wife when suddenly he let out a loud fart. He yelled, "7 points!" His

A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills

A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years. On this visit

The widow takes a look at her dear departed one night before the funeral and, to her horror, finds

A man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife

A little boy had been pawing over the stock of greeting cards at a stationery store. After a few

An Annapolis computer science major was given an artificial intelligence assignment for one of his

On little Larry's first day of first grade, he raised his hand as soon as the teacher came into the

On preparing to return home from an out of town trip, a man got a small puppy as a present for his

Curly is appearing for his University final examination which consists of Y/N type questions. He

The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques

During his visit to the United States, the Pope met with President Clinton. Instead of just an hour

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

A man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist asked, "Yes

Three men are sitting naked in the sauna. Suddenly there is a beeping sound. The first man presses

A man and a woman are riding next to each other in first class. The man sneezes, pulls out his wang

A young lady whom thought she was overweight went to see a dietician. She walked into his office and

A computer programmer happens across a frog in the road. The frog pipes up, "I'm really a beautiful

A man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying in bed for a few minutes the man cuts a fart. His

A baby was born with the ability to talk. The first thing he said when he was born was, "Are you

A blonde is driving down the road. She notices that she is low on gas, so she stops at the gas station.

One day the Pope is coming to America in his Limo and he said to the driver, "Why don't you let me

Three nurses went to heaven, and were awaiting their turn with St. Peter to plead their case to enter

Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price, but it's missing a

A mother and baby camel are talking one day when the baby camel asks, "Mom why have I got these huge

Two men arrive at the Pearly Gates at about the same time, both wanting to know if they will be admitted

A guy walked into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He put the alligator up on the bar. He turned

In the back woods of Kentucky, the redneck's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the

Two assassins are hired to kill a dictator in South America. They follow his every move for months,

A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength.

Morris the matchmaker approached a single woman and told her he had a husband for her. "I'm ashamed

An old married couple was sitting in their rocking chairs enjoying a beautiful sunset when the old

A fellow picked up a girl in a bar and took her home with him. After some preliminary drinks and talk,

A man decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at

A blonde dials 911 to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained,

There are some children in a class naming animals and they come across a picture of a deer. So the

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit

There was a huge nut tree by the cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and

"I've pulled you over for speeding, Ma'am. Could I see your drivers license?" "What's a license???"

A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $ 5,000 and feels really good about the

A defendant was on trial for murder in Oklahoma. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there

A priest and a nun are on their way back home from a trip when their car breaks down. They are unable

A truck driver would amuse himself by running over lawyers he would see walking down the side of the

A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while

Two blondes were flying to Miami from Cleveland. Fifteen minutes into the flight, the Captain announced,

Two missionaries in Africa were apprehended by a tribe of very hostile cannibals who put them in a large

A guy is stranded on an island with only a Doberman and a pig for company. There's plenty of food

A woman goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for all the major status figures in Rome, Italy.

The general was confined to the military hospital for treatment of a minor malady. For almost

A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he wants to buy a pet that can do everything. The

A middle-aged couple, with two beautiful daughters, An autopsy professor was giving an introductory

A photographer from a well know national magazine was assigned to cover the fires at Yellowstone

A man was walking along the beach and found a bottle. He looked around and didn't see anyone so

A dentist was getting ready to clean an elderly lady's teeth. He noticed that she was a little nervous,

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of

HIS: 1. Pull up to ATM 2. Insert card 3. Enter PIN number and account 4. Take cash, card and

A man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist asked, "Yes