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Jokes

I Was Coming

There was this construction worker on the 3rd floor of this unfinished building. He needed a hand saw,

High Birth Rate

A little town had a high birth rate that had attracted the attention of the sociologists at the state

Jesus Ceiling Fan

A young man called John died and he went to Heaven to begin his afterlife journey. However, he was stopped

Take The Book Too

The bank robbers had tied and gagged the bank cahier after learning the combination to the safe and had

Doctor Become A Farmer

Once there was this doctor that moved out to the country to become a farmer. He said to himself, "Well,

Butler

A wealthy couple had plans to go to an evening ball. So they advised their butler that they were giving

Tarzan

One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his

Jungle Fever

When Jane initially met Tarzan of the Jungle, she

There was a man who loved baked beans...

There was a man who loved baked beans, but they

An airline's passenger cabin was being ...

An airline's passenger cabin was being served by

How many lawyers does it take to change a...

How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb? ââ,¬Å"Such

Osama and Bush Have a Dog Fight

Bush and Osama decided to settle the war once and

The Christmas Elf Massacre

Buy me a beer if you want the story told Of why

New Rules For Employment

SICKNESS AND RELATED LEAVE: We will no longer

Top Ten Caddy Comments

Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the

Good for the Heart

A man had a terrible passion for baked beans, but

Cow Pat Lip Gloss

An old cowhand came riding into town on a hot,

Laloo Flies the Friendly Skies

Joke from our friends in India... Once as Laloo

How To Bathe A Cat

I. Know that although the cat has the advantage

Senate Slander

A member of the United States Senate, known for

Atlanta Man in New York

A man from Atlanta moved to New York. As he wandered

Spirit Moves Me

"Honey, let's have sex," says the husband. "Wait

The Spirit Moves Me

A honeymoon couple are lying in bed when the husband

Having a Beer With Your Brothers

A man walks into a bar and orders three beers.

Makin' New Friends in Alabama

Bob just moved from New York City to Alabama. He

Tarzan Meets Jane

One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was

The Shiny-Walled Box Thingie

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby

The Voice

There was this guy who lived in Chicago. He was

Respectfully Cheating

Jack and Betty are celebrating their 50th wedding

Traveling Salesman

A traveling salesman approached an old farmhouse

The Mailbox

A man moved into a new apartment, and he decided

Move

The dummy heard that most people are killed within

Blonde Ice Fishing

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing, so after getting

Oldest Couple Ever

An old man and an old woman were sitting together

Dirty Riddle

What is long, hard, and stiff, is used inside a

Halloween Party

A man and his wife were invited to a swanky masked

The Cross-Eyed Cow

One day, a farmer was tending to his livestock

The Sick Husband

There was a husband and a wife. The husband was

Louis, The French Fighter Pilot

Louis, the French Fighter Pilot, was lying with

You Can Ring My Bell, Ring My Bell

One upon a time there was a town with a new church

Three's a Crowd

A man was shipwrecked with his dog and a sheep

Satanic Starbucks

A man died and went to straight down to hell. The

Three Little Ducks

A man walks into a bar with three little ducks

Getting Any on the Side?

Joe was asked at work if he was getting any on

The Hurt Bird and the Shit

One day a man was stuck in bumper to bumper traffic,

Punny Pun Pun

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but

Door-to-Door Sales Crap

An enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum salesman goes

Gary Condit's Clock

One day Gary Condit's wife died and went to heaven,

Made in Canada

A Canadian was in France, out of his wallet he

The Burning Building

One day a blonde, brunette, and redhead were on

The Three Basketball Players On The Roof

There were 3 basketball players, one each from

Lawyers and Lightbulbs, Case #3

How many lawyers does it take to change a light

Clocks

Hillary Clinton died and went to Heaven. St. Peter

The Blue Eye

One day, a man had an accident at work, which resulted

Asian Lady

There was an Asian lady who married an English

Grasshopper Biology

A biology class student conducted an experiment

Circumcised Boy

A young boy of four was going into hospital to

The Trouble with Moles

I had to go to the hospital the other day to get

Stuttering Problem

A man visits the doctor's because he has a severe

The Lawyer & The Dead Man

A dying man gathered his best friends - a lawyer,

Signs That You are Too Drunk

You lose arguments with inanimate objects. You

The Vacuum Business Sucks

One day a new vacuum salesman is going door-to-door

Disease

A newlywed couple were on their honeymoon and were

Rejected Hallmark Cards

1) So your daughter's a hooker,and it spoiled your

Stale Mate

A couple, who had been married for years, were

Grosser than gross.. underwear

What's grosser than gross? When you throw your

Squawks

Squawks are problems left behind by airplane pilots

Blonde vs. Crime Rate

Q: What did the blonde do when she heard that 90%

Gator Bite

A guy walked into a bar with a pet alligator by

Elvis vs. Jesus

JESUS is the Lord's shepherd. ELVIS dated Cybill

Real Stories of the Non-Technical

I called a company and asked to speak to Bob.

If Men Ruled the World

Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically

Pregnant Woman Gets On a Bus

This is from an actual trial in the UK.    

A Child's View of Retirement

After a Christmas break, a teacher asked her young

The Clever Lawyer

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried

Baked beans and their delightful tune

A man had a terrible passion for baked beans, but

Something To Sneeze At

A man is sitting next to a woman on a jet that

What Do I Look Like?

A newlywed couple just moved into their new house.

''I'm Stupid'' Signs

    Stupid people should have to

OSU

An Ohio State University mortician student walked

Random Acts of Stupidity Roundup

    Curators at India's Baroda Museum

Have Yourself a PC Little Christmas

    'Twas the night before Christmas

U. Michigan/Ohio State

    An OHIO STATE UNIVERSITY mortician

Goverment Wrestling Federation

    13> Driving your fellow Congressman

Drink This In Memory of Me

The bartender was washing his glasses when an elderly

Rejected Hallmark Greetings

So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day... Look at the bright side, she's a really

The Pregnant Woman

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.

An Exam

A young woman was having a physical examination and was embarrassed because of a weight problem. As

I Guess It Works

A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older

What a Woman Really Wants

King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could

Alabama Preacher and the KKK

An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that

How To Drive In Los Angeles

1. You must first learn to pronounce the city name, it is L. A. 2. The morning rush hour is from

New Chevrolet

A fifteen year-old boy came home with a new Chevrolet Avalanche and his parents began to yell and scream,

Union Worker

Two guys and a union worker were fishing on a lake one day, when Jesus walked across the water and

Old Aunt Cora

Old Aunt Cora went to her doctor to see what could be done about her troublesome constipation. "It's

Two Pints

Mark and Paul stopped into an English pub for a drink. They called the proprietor over and asked him

Big Shot Jamaican

Joe grew up in Jamaica, then moved away to attend college and law school. He decided to come back

High Birth Rate

A little town in southern Illinois had a sensational birth rate, and scientists decided to visit the

Polish Divorce

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, and

Retired Husbands

Dear Mrs. Fenton, Over the past six months, your husband, Mr. Bill Fenton has been causing quite

Dead Donkey

Young Chuck, moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver

New Darwin Awards 2005

In case you have been waiting breathlessly for this year's Darwin Awards, here they are. The awards

Pregnant Turkey

One year at Christmas my mom went to my sister's house for the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible

Final Battle

Bush and Osama decided to settle the war once and for all. They sat down and decided to settle the

Billy Connolly's Chain Letter

Hello, my name is William and I suffer from guilt for not forwarding 50 billion fucking chain letters

Case of the Pregnant Lady

AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659---CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY A lady about 8 months pregnant got on

Sure-Fire Signs There's Trouble On The Job

1) The new policy on sexual harassment includes your photo. 2) The Security guard makes a complete

Kenny and the Donkey

A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100.00. The farmer

Eve's Version of the Beginning

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. "So, how is everything going?" inquired

Country Doctors

A young doctor had moved out to a small rural community to replace the retiring country doctor. The

Home Remedies

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat

New Drugs For Women

D A M N I T O L Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours. ST. M O

Actual Newspaper Headlines

Married Priests in Catholic Church a Long Time Coming Prosecutors Want Victim in Courtroom During

Tech Support Conversations

A man attempting to set up his new printer called the printer's tech Support number, complaining about

Pleasure

The woman entered the room, and with a knowing smile teasing her full lips,she sank into the comfort

Modern Medicine

Modern medicine has come up with some great new stuff to make life easier ...: St. Mom's Wort ~

Jesus in a Bar

The bartender was washing his glasses, when an elderly Irishman came in. With great difficulty, the

How Did You Break Your Arm?

A friend just got back from a holiday ski trip to Utah with the kind of story that warms the cockles

Intelligence

Two men were digging a ditch on a very hot day. One said to the other, "Why are we down in this hole

Hotel Room Charges

A husband and wife were traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours

Man Talk

1. "I can't find it." MEANS: It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I am completely clueless.

Getting the most from your I.T. department

1. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards,

How to Mess with the IRS

(Internal Revenue Service, an agency of the government to whom Americans pay taxes on their salary.) --Always

They're finally together

Maria, an Italian woman was extrememly religious. When she was married, she refused to use protection because

Two Elderly Gentlemen

Two elderly gentlemen, who had been without sex for several years, decided they needed to visit a

Bought A Porsche

A fifteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began to scream, "Where did you get

Post Office Interview

A guy goes to the Post Office to interview for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Are you a Veteran?" The

Pregnant on the Bus

A Lady about seven months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.

New Software System

This memo is to announce the development of a new software system which will be Year 2000 compliant.

Top 10 Caddy Comments

10. Golfer: Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake! Caddy: Think you can keep your head down

Martini

A fellow came into a bar and ordered a martini. Before drinking it, he removed the olive and carefully

Three Doctors in Heaven

Three doctors were driving together to the hospital when they had an accident and all three died.

Alligator

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns

Christmas Parrot

One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual Christmas gift for

The Pager

Lil' Johnny's mother took her 5 year old son with her to the bank on a busy Friday. They were in

The Minsk Cow

The townspeople did a little research and discovered they could get a cow from Moscow for 2000 rubles

Rookie Police Officer

A rookie police officer was out for his first ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call

Maintenance Complaints

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual

Easter

Three blondes died and are at the gates of heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates

A Kinder, Gentler System

A "Kinder, Gentler System" Sony has announced its own computer operating system now available on

She's SOOOO blonde...

..she sent me a fax with a stamp on it ...she thought a quarterback was a refund ...she tried to

Tarzan and Jane

One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and during her questions about

Love Handles

Monica Lewinsky was walking on the beach when she found a lantern washed up on the shore. She started

Ads on a Bus

A lady about seven months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.

Boil the Pot of Water

There were two men trying to decide what to do for a living. They went to see a counsellor, and he

Sneezing

A man and a woman are riding next to each other in first class. The man sneezes, pulls out his wang

Alligator in a Bar

A guy walked into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He put the alligator up on the bar. He turned

1st Priority: Look Active

Two men were working on top of a building. Unfortunately, they were not allowed any breaks by their

Think First

An enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory. He knocks,

Lawyer Defending a Thief

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: "My client merely inserted

Stand Still Soldier

During camouflage training in Louisiana, a private disguised as a tree trunk had made a sudden move

Lipstick Girls

A principal of a small middle school had a problem with a few of the older girls starting to use

The Old Cowhand

The old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The local sheriff watched from his

Ice Fishing

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting

There are no fish under the ice

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting