Jokes
I Was Coming
There was this construction worker on the 3rd floor of this unfinished building. He needed a hand saw,
High Birth Rate
A little town had a high birth rate that had attracted the attention of the sociologists at the state
Jesus Ceiling Fan
A young man called John died and he went to Heaven to begin his afterlife journey. However, he was stopped
Take The Book Too
The bank robbers had tied and gagged the bank cahier after learning the combination to the safe and had
Doctor Become A Farmer
Once there was this doctor that moved out to the country to become a farmer. He said to himself, "Well,
Butler
A wealthy couple had plans to go to an evening ball. So they advised their butler that they were giving
Tarzan
One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his
Jungle Fever
When Jane initially met Tarzan of the Jungle, she
There was a man who loved baked beans...
There was a man who loved baked beans, but they
An airline's passenger cabin was being ...
An airline's passenger cabin was being served by
How many lawyers does it take to change a...
How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb? ââ,¬Å"Such
Osama and Bush Have a Dog Fight
Bush and Osama decided to settle the war once and
The Christmas Elf Massacre
Buy me a beer if you want the story told Of why
New Rules For Employment
SICKNESS AND RELATED LEAVE: We will no longer
Top Ten Caddy Comments
Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the
Good for the Heart
A man had a terrible passion for baked beans, but
Cow Pat Lip Gloss
An old cowhand came riding into town on a hot,
Laloo Flies the Friendly Skies
Joke from our friends in India... Once as Laloo
How To Bathe A Cat
I. Know that although the cat has the advantage
Senate Slander
A member of the United States Senate, known for
Atlanta Man in New York
A man from Atlanta moved to New York. As he wandered
Spirit Moves Me
"Honey, let's have sex," says the husband. "Wait
The Spirit Moves Me
A honeymoon couple are lying in bed when the husband
Having a Beer With Your Brothers
A man walks into a bar and orders three beers.
Makin' New Friends in Alabama
Bob just moved from New York City to Alabama. He
Tarzan Meets Jane
One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was
The Shiny-Walled Box Thingie
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby
The Voice
There was this guy who lived in Chicago. He was
Respectfully Cheating
Jack and Betty are celebrating their 50th wedding
Traveling Salesman
A traveling salesman approached an old farmhouse
The Mailbox
A man moved into a new apartment, and he decided
Move
The dummy heard that most people are killed within
Blonde Ice Fishing
A blonde wanted to go ice fishing, so after getting
Oldest Couple Ever
An old man and an old woman were sitting together
Dirty Riddle
What is long, hard, and stiff, is used inside a
Halloween Party
A man and his wife were invited to a swanky masked
The Cross-Eyed Cow
One day, a farmer was tending to his livestock
The Sick Husband
There was a husband and a wife. The husband was
Louis, The French Fighter Pilot
Louis, the French Fighter Pilot, was lying with
You Can Ring My Bell, Ring My Bell
One upon a time there was a town with a new church
Three's a Crowd
A man was shipwrecked with his dog and a sheep
Satanic Starbucks
A man died and went to straight down to hell. The
Three Little Ducks
A man walks into a bar with three little ducks
Getting Any on the Side?
Joe was asked at work if he was getting any on
The Hurt Bird and the Shit
One day a man was stuck in bumper to bumper traffic,
Punny Pun Pun
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but
Door-to-Door Sales Crap
An enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum salesman goes
Gary Condit's Clock
One day Gary Condit's wife died and went to heaven,
Made in Canada
A Canadian was in France, out of his wallet he
The Burning Building
One day a blonde, brunette, and redhead were on
The Three Basketball Players On The Roof
There were 3 basketball players, one each from
Lawyers and Lightbulbs, Case #3
How many lawyers does it take to change a light
Clocks
Hillary Clinton died and went to Heaven. St. Peter
The Blue Eye
One day, a man had an accident at work, which resulted
Asian Lady
There was an Asian lady who married an English
Grasshopper Biology
A biology class student conducted an experiment
Circumcised Boy
A young boy of four was going into hospital to
The Trouble with Moles
I had to go to the hospital the other day to get
Stuttering Problem
A man visits the doctor's because he has a severe
The Lawyer & The Dead Man
A dying man gathered his best friends - a lawyer,
Signs That You are Too Drunk
You lose arguments with inanimate objects. You
The Vacuum Business Sucks
One day a new vacuum salesman is going door-to-door
Disease
A newlywed couple were on their honeymoon and were
Rejected Hallmark Cards
1) So your daughter's a hooker,and it spoiled your
Stale Mate
A couple, who had been married for years, were
Grosser than gross.. underwear
What's grosser than gross? When you throw your
Squawks
Squawks are problems left behind by airplane pilots
Blonde vs. Crime Rate
Q: What did the blonde do when she heard that 90%
Gator Bite
A guy walked into a bar with a pet alligator by
Elvis vs. Jesus
JESUS is the Lord's shepherd. ELVIS dated Cybill
Real Stories of the Non-Technical
I called a company and asked to speak to Bob.
If Men Ruled the World
Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically
Pregnant Woman Gets On a Bus
This is from an actual trial in the UK.
A Child's View of Retirement
After a Christmas break, a teacher asked her young
The Clever Lawyer
A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried
Baked beans and their delightful tune
A man had a terrible passion for baked beans, but
Something To Sneeze At
A man is sitting next to a woman on a jet that
What Do I Look Like?
A newlywed couple just moved into their new house.
''I'm Stupid'' Signs
Stupid people should have to
OSU
An Ohio State University mortician student walked
Random Acts of Stupidity Roundup
Curators at India's Baroda Museum
Have Yourself a PC Little Christmas
'Twas the night before Christmas
U. Michigan/Ohio State
An OHIO STATE UNIVERSITY mortician
Goverment Wrestling Federation
13> Driving your fellow Congressman
Drink This In Memory of Me
The bartender was washing his glasses when an elderly
Rejected Hallmark Greetings
So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day... Look at the bright side, she's a really
The Pregnant Woman
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.
An Exam
A young woman was having a physical examination and was embarrassed because of a weight problem. As
I Guess It Works
A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older
What a Woman Really Wants
King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could
Alabama Preacher and the KKK
An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that
How To Drive In Los Angeles
1. You must first learn to pronounce the city name, it is L. A. 2. The morning rush hour is from
New Chevrolet
A fifteen year-old boy came home with a new Chevrolet Avalanche and his parents began to yell and scream,
Union Worker
Two guys and a union worker were fishing on a lake one day, when Jesus walked across the water and
Old Aunt Cora
Old Aunt Cora went to her doctor to see what could be done about her troublesome constipation. "It's
Two Pints
Mark and Paul stopped into an English pub for a drink. They called the proprietor over and asked him
Big Shot Jamaican
Joe grew up in Jamaica, then moved away to attend college and law school. He decided to come back
High Birth Rate
A little town in southern Illinois had a sensational birth rate, and scientists decided to visit the
Polish Divorce
A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, and
Retired Husbands
Dear Mrs. Fenton, Over the past six months, your husband, Mr. Bill Fenton has been causing quite
Dead Donkey
Young Chuck, moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver
New Darwin Awards 2005
In case you have been waiting breathlessly for this year's Darwin Awards, here they are. The awards
Pregnant Turkey
One year at Christmas my mom went to my sister's house for the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible
Final Battle
Bush and Osama decided to settle the war once and for all. They sat down and decided to settle the
Billy Connolly's Chain Letter
Hello, my name is William and I suffer from guilt for not forwarding 50 billion fucking chain letters
Case of the Pregnant Lady
AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659---CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY A lady about 8 months pregnant got on
Sure-Fire Signs There's Trouble On The Job
1) The new policy on sexual harassment includes your photo. 2) The Security guard makes a complete
Kenny and the Donkey
A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100.00. The farmer
Eve's Version of the Beginning
After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. "So, how is everything going?" inquired
Country Doctors
A young doctor had moved out to a small rural community to replace the retiring country doctor. The
Home Remedies
1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat
New Drugs For Women
D A M N I T O L Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours. ST. M O
Actual Newspaper Headlines
Married Priests in Catholic Church a Long Time Coming Prosecutors Want Victim in Courtroom During
Tech Support Conversations
A man attempting to set up his new printer called the printer's tech Support number, complaining about
Pleasure
The woman entered the room, and with a knowing smile teasing her full lips,she sank into the comfort
Modern Medicine
Modern medicine has come up with some great new stuff to make life easier ...: St. Mom's Wort ~
Jesus in a Bar
The bartender was washing his glasses, when an elderly Irishman came in. With great difficulty, the
How Did You Break Your Arm?
A friend just got back from a holiday ski trip to Utah with the kind of story that warms the cockles
Intelligence
Two men were digging a ditch on a very hot day. One said to the other, "Why are we down in this hole
Hotel Room Charges
A husband and wife were traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours
Man Talk
1. "I can't find it." MEANS: It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I am completely clueless.
Getting the most from your I.T. department
1. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards,
How to Mess with the IRS
(Internal Revenue Service, an agency of the government to whom Americans pay taxes on their salary.) --Always
They're finally together
Maria, an Italian woman was extrememly religious. When she was married, she refused to use protection because
Two Elderly Gentlemen
Two elderly gentlemen, who had been without sex for several years, decided they needed to visit a
Bought A Porsche
A fifteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began to scream, "Where did you get
Post Office Interview
A guy goes to the Post Office to interview for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Are you a Veteran?" The
Pregnant on the Bus
A Lady about seven months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.
New Software System
This memo is to announce the development of a new software system which will be Year 2000 compliant.
Top 10 Caddy Comments
10. Golfer: Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake! Caddy: Think you can keep your head down
Martini
A fellow came into a bar and ordered a martini. Before drinking it, he removed the olive and carefully
Three Doctors in Heaven
Three doctors were driving together to the hospital when they had an accident and all three died.
Alligator
A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns
Christmas Parrot
One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual Christmas gift for
The Pager
Lil' Johnny's mother took her 5 year old son with her to the bank on a busy Friday. They were in
The Minsk Cow
The townspeople did a little research and discovered they could get a cow from Moscow for 2000 rubles
Rookie Police Officer
A rookie police officer was out for his first ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call
Maintenance Complaints
Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual
Easter
Three blondes died and are at the gates of heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates
A Kinder, Gentler System
A "Kinder, Gentler System" Sony has announced its own computer operating system now available on
She's SOOOO blonde...
..she sent me a fax with a stamp on it ...she thought a quarterback was a refund ...she tried to
Tarzan and Jane
One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and during her questions about
Love Handles
Monica Lewinsky was walking on the beach when she found a lantern washed up on the shore. She started
Ads on a Bus
A lady about seven months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.
Boil the Pot of Water
There were two men trying to decide what to do for a living. They went to see a counsellor, and he
Sneezing
A man and a woman are riding next to each other in first class. The man sneezes, pulls out his wang
Alligator in a Bar
A guy walked into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He put the alligator up on the bar. He turned
1st Priority: Look Active
Two men were working on top of a building. Unfortunately, they were not allowed any breaks by their
Think First
An enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory. He knocks,
Lawyer Defending a Thief
A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: "My client merely inserted
Stand Still Soldier
During camouflage training in Louisiana, a private disguised as a tree trunk had made a sudden move
Lipstick Girls
A principal of a small middle school had a problem with a few of the older girls starting to use
The Old Cowhand
The old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The local sheriff watched from his
Ice Fishing
A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting
There are no fish under the ice
A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting