never

DOS Beer: Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the directions carefully

Warning on a curling iron: Do Not Insert Curling Iron Into Any Bodily Orifice... My bathroom has inadequate

Enough with the Poking, Lets Just Have Sex He pokes her, she pokes him, they poke each other back

In a west Texas town, employees in a medium-sized warehouse noticed the smell of gas. Sensibly, management

A man was in a long line at Target. As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms,

A young couple gets married, and the groom asks his bride if he can have a dresser drawer of his own

A business man met a beautiful girl and asked her to spend the night with him for $500. And she did.Before

"How'd you do it?" the doctor asked as he was setting farmer Joe Brown's broken leg."Well Doc," said

A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions

This one is long but well worth reading!In case your frustration level rises today, this is for everyone

An Asian guy is having his "SNACK" (bread and jam) when an American man chuckling chewing gum, sits down

An 80 year old man is having his annual checkup at his doctor's office. He says to the doctor, "I've

A couple who had 2 kids decided that whenever they wanted sex, they would use code words so the children

A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things to be self-sufficient

A wife arrived home from a shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed naked, with a

Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new home. It's fun to cook for Tim. Today I made an angel

A guy walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, "Listen, I have three girls coming over tonight.

Husband: "When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger"Wife: "I'll clean

A woman could never get her husband to do anything around the house. He would come home from work, sit

A judge was interviewing a women regarding her pending divorce and asked, "What are the grounds for your

A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out the camel suddenly

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall.A young man walked up to the bench and sat down. He had

A young man called John died and he went to Heaven to begin his afterlife journey. However, he was stopped

There was a couple who were big over-spenders. They always dreamed to spend holidays in Hawaii, but were

An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While China, he is very sexually promiscuous and does not

A blonde dials 911 to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party.She got a terrible headache and told her husband

How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.The most effective

A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem

Superman is flying around one day and he's feeling kinda horny. So he finds Batman sitting on top of

Baby Ryan was a nearly Two Year old Boy. He has been to train to inform his mom whenever he want to pee.So

After gaining a small family inheritance, a redneck family was visiting a mall. The father and son were

RelationshipsWhen a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and

A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a bottle laying in the street. Suddenly out

How many Democrats does it take to change a light

A sad man walks into a bar, and the bartender asks

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night

Q: What animal should you never play cards with?

1. How many trarlokks does it take to trokkclap

I just want to call attention to the fact that

A women without arms or legs is sitting on a beach

10. No roof damage from reindeer 9. Never a silent

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After

"If we don't change the direction we're going,

A motorcycle cop pulled over a Lamborghini Diablo

A football coach noticed that his star tackle,

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all

Two cowboys walk into a roadhouse to wash the trail

Knock, knock Who's there? You ever hear the joke

Q: What did the prositutes knee say to the other? A:

Two blondes meet in Heaven. "How did you die?",

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender if

1. Gain weight. At least 30 pounds. 2. Stop exercising.

A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never

Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving

RANDOM AND CHEAP MARTHA STEWART JOKES What is

FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS, CLASS OF 2003! First of all

Cindy Lou Edleman Performs Quality Sexual Favors

What animal should you never play cards with? A

1. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead

A bear was chasing a little rabbit. "Stop running

A doctor is walking down the street and sees a

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop. Right away they

There was a man who loved baked beans, but they

A Redheaded mom walks into her daughter's room,

Adam was in the Garden of Eden feeling lonely when

A brunette, a red-head and a blonde were in jail

There was this redneck that walked into a bar and

Q: What's the definition of a healthy virgin? A:

Angelina Jolie: I am so in love with my brother

Halle Berry got a $500,000 bonus for her much-ballyhooed,

1. If being chased through town, you can usually

10. For your birthday, you get the head of an infidel

This week, the Bush administration finally released

Ignoring the fact that George Bush declined Saddam

A secretary for a foreign embassy was entertaining

A Michigan man was having coffee and croissants

An executive was stessed out. He had to fire one

1. Lower corner of screen has the words "Etch-a-sketch"

The golf course was haunted by a malicious, evil

There once was a lowly snail, who was busily crawling

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1.

The American Dairy Association was so successful

Eddie went shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally

A very religious man lived right next door to an

An engineer died and ended up in Hell. He was not

There was a 40 year old man called Ian, and he

1. Your dog rides in your truck more than your

1. They always wear protection 2. They

Never play leap-frog with a unicorn.

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all

Buy me a beer if you want the story told Of why

1. ââ,¬Å"If my heart were a baked potato,

But everybody looks funny naked! You woke me

"There are only two reasons to sit in the back

If you love something, set it free. If it comes

What do you call a cave-dwelling virgin? Never

A guy was limping, and his friend asked him what

Women got off the Titanic first. Women can scare

1. My fellow Americans, I have taken much into

Little Johnny was in class and the teacher announced

A husband and wife were lying in bed together one

1) Pretend to be one of the Bush family. Doesn't

Q. How do you annoy your girlfriend during sex? A.

Ever since the Bush daughters got into trouble

A Yankees fan was enjoying himself at the game

* Silicon-enhanced chests and lips reveal that

Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look

Tony Blair Interviewed by Peter Jennings Peter

Three women are discussing their teenage daughters.

JENNA'S PREDICAMENT Do we really wonder why Jenna

Q: How do you get a Maryland graduate off your

George W. Bush was caught breaking the White House

1. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes. 2.

Dear U.S. Citizens, I have the distinguished honor

I think that I shall never see a hazard rougher

What goes all the way around a baseball field but

A reporter remarked to George W. Bush: "It must

1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless

You're convinced that chirping birds are Satan's

1. With a little effort, you could pull the bags

A question had appeared in a student's medical

Four Catholic ladies were having coffee one afternoon.

I'M GLAD I'M A MAN I'm glad I'm a man, you better

An Irishman is sitting at the end of a bar. He

There was a Northern lady and a Southern lady sitting

A couple had been married for a long time, but

Q: Why can you never trust a woman? A: How can

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby

AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18) You have an inventive

A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup.

Q: What did the doe say when she came running out

What's the difference between an old cat and a

Two women, one from the north and one from the

A Scottish wife, an English wife, and an Irish

There once was pirate captain who, whenever it

Never trust a dog to watch your food. - Patrick,

There was a man who owned a giant gorilla and he'd

A man was unemployed and bored, so he decided to

One evening, a man goes home after an unsuccessful

* Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people

A wealthy business man and his wife are looking

There once was a little kid named Billy who loved

1) Large, loft-style apartments in New York City

A man is in court for murder and the judge says,

1. The Female always makes THE RULES. 2. THE

A boy comes running into the kitchen and says,

One Monday morning, Grover picking up the kids

Q: What did the blonde's left leg say to the right

One morning, seventy-five year old Marvin is

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at

Why did the woman cross the road? Never mind

The other day I saw a ''Honk if you love Jesus''

There was a nintey-year-old lady who was still

Start with a cage containing five monkeys. In the

1.Stick your palm open under the stall wall and

A young boy caught sight of his mother changing

A man, Bob, and his friend Joe went out hunting.

Q: My fiancee still has feelings for his old girlfriends.

Never say anything about a man until you have walked

A small north Florida wild animal park had acquired

A wealthy wife and husband were leaving to go to

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by

10. Nobody cares if you act stupid. 9. You can

1. People who point at their wrist while asking

If you love something, set it free. If it comes

Show me a man that thinks baseball is the national

A pilot was forced to make a crash landing in a

There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from

A guy just died and he's at the pearly gates,

There was a woman and her husband. They were happily

I wish I was a glow worm. A glow worm's never

All drivers for Red Ball Express had orders to

(Setting: A furious lightsaber duel is underway.

There was a guy on a golf course that he had never

This guy lives in Westchester, NY and goes to

A man and his wife were invited to a swanky masked

10) Who the hell Begets anymore? 9) Memo to Adam:

Dad: Son, what is the difference a penis and a

A farm boy who had just finished his schooling

A blonde and a redhead met in a bar after work

I've fucked in the sun, I've fucked in the rain.

Her version: Oh did I mention or did I not? Well

A young man goes home from a war to see his mother

How many perverts does it take to put in a light

In the realm of the Mighty King Gates who has pulled

What do women and tile floors have in common?

10. Does this come in children's sizes? 9.

An old man and a young man work together in an

There was a man named Benny who loved to take

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus

Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the state fair

Q: What golfing what foursome do you never want

Once upon a time there were two men. One of them

Joe tells his wife he is heading out to the pub

A woman walks into a tattoo parlor. She gets into

A man who was having heart trouble went to the

A guy sees a sign outside a bar that says "Piano

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make

How many men does it take to put down a toilet

1) In the middle of class, run to the middle of

One day Bill complained to his friend that his

ARIES (Mar 21-Apr 19) You are the pioneer type

MEMORANDUM RE: Computer Software Warning Last

(which in our society means over 25) An older

A regular guy and Tyra Banks are the only survivors

One day, a man walks into a whorehouse and says,

A rich lady gives her butler the night off because

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but

Time magazine sent a survey to women in Arkansas,

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. Walking

This guy with a really small head walks into a

Q: How can you tell Michael Jackson's having an

The was a man named George who got a new job.

One day a traveling salesman was driving down a

* You wonder why singers Sting, Wolf Blitzer, and

The blonde walks into a drugstore and asks the

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on an

A concerned husband goes to see the family doctor

A guy is walking along the beach, when he meets

There was once a pair of high school sweethearts.

One day a man is walking along the beach and sees

The Englishman's, Irishman's and Scotsman's wives

One day a group of husbands and wives went to a

Every year, Grandma and her grandkids, Suzy, Jill,

You might be tough, but you'll never be half the

10.) ''We have a lost child at gate D-4, the bidding

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced

1) You always know if you are the first one to

Three nuns used to go to the church from their

Hillary Clinton died and went to Heaven. St. Peter

A young man and a young woman were soon to be married,

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that. 2.

A group of guys are on their way to a party, but

But everybody looks funny naked! You woke me

A woman was engaged to get married. She had never

A man goes to a doctor for his annual prostate

There was an Asian lady who married an English

* The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, ''What's

What did the blondes right leg say to the left

Two golfers meet on the same golf course, on the

An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town,

A guy runs into a bar and says, "Bartender, quick!

Words can't describe your outfit, so I'll just

One day a father and son are flying a kite. The

There was a young man whose parents beat him all

1. You never run out of wheat 2. Those cool Saskatchewan

* We got off the Titanic first. * We can scare

A blonde, brunette and a redhead had a breaststroke

A drunk guy is telling a bartender how much he

A beautiful middle aged woman finally decided to

Two drivers came to a bridge over which only one

20) With chocolate size doesn't matter; it's always

Why did Smokey the Bear never have children?

Dearest John, I went to the door today and the

How many men does it take to change a roll of

A man got pulled over by a cop because he was

Q: Why is sex like snow? A: You never

Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital

A little girl came running into the house crying

Bob, a lawyer, was driving home over the Golden

I'm currently running the latest version of GirlFriend

Two nuns are riding a bike down a road and the

There once was this deacon and this preacher, and

A hundred prostitutes in Washington D.C. were asked

What's the difference between the Atlantic Coast

The privacy partition in the confessional booth

A fellow walks into a bar very down on himself.

A guy walks into a bar and orders 6 shooters. The

John went on vacation to Helopisa. As soon as he

Why doesn't a blonde talk during sex? Because

How many men does it take to put down a toilet

A guy walks into a bar with his pet dog. The

You don't have to put cream in your coffee to

An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but

A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if

* If the enemy is in range, so are you Incoming

Saturday 1:00 A.M. Alarm clock rings. 2:00

There's this fellow with a parrot. And the parrot

One time, back in the day, a boy named Johnny was

In prison you spend the majority of your time in

1. Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.

These individual quotes were reportedly taken from

There was this pot-head walking down a road when

1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or

1) You can GET chocolate. 2) “If you love

The boss is finally old enough to retire from the

There's a woman that has a big problem when it

There was a young country boy who was very bright.

On Father's Day, a little boy decides to make his

Once, a long, long time ago, in a small village

A man with no legs is lying on the beach, when

Chelsea had the most exciting news. She burst

When an attractive young girl returned from her

Two airplane mechanics named Bob and Tim work at

SON: What vegetable makes your eyes water?DAD:

A woman had a parrot that she took with her everywhere

How are blondes and computers similar? You never

A ducks walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?" The

A survey of top personnel executives of 100 major

Cross my heart this happened to someone. This guy

A first grade teacher collected well-known proverbs.

Sue and Sally meet at their 30th class reunion,

There were three women who always hung their laundry

    One day many years ago, a fisherman's

20) "That's weird..." 19) "It's

Sister Mary Katherine lived in a convent, a block

Adam was walking around the garden of Eden, moping.

A new guy in town walks into a bar and notices

1) You're Different -- And That's Bad 2)

A madam opened the brothel door to see an elderly

Everyone who ticks him or her off gets a $26,000

1. Life is sexually transmitted. 2. Two wrongs

A blonde is speaking to her psychiatrist. "I'm

WHAT WOMEN SAY & REALLY MEAN: CAN'T WE JUST

Doris and Fred had started their retirement years

A woman going through the change of life went to

"You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women,

Members of Congress...people of America....I banged

All-Purpose Excuse Form, designed to get you out

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates.

    BOOK is a revolutionary breakthrough in

Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically

An old man from a far off land was once on the

Proof That Jewish Was Jewish: 1. He went into

A guy goes into a drugstore to buy condoms. "What

1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB -- $850/offer AMANA

After his annual checkup, Bob is shocked to learn

    A woman walks into her accountant's

A young couple were married and they were having

A pretty young blonde visiting her new doctor for

A little old lady wanted to join a biker club. She

Two married buddies are out drinking one night

First and foremost, we are not obligated to do

A Denton, Texas man was arrested for filing a false

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says,

    A few months ago, there was

Are you considering having children? To determine

It seems that a young couple had just gotten married

Breakfast: 1/2 grapefruit 1 slice whole wheat

Three guys, a teenager, his father and his grandfather

The Atlanta School Board, feeling left out by the

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada

    Four old Catholic women are

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny

The perfect man is gentle, And never cruel or mean. He

'Twas the night before crisis, And behind White

A man decided to paint the toilet while his wife

When you are dating..... Farting is never an

I did not do it in a car I did not do it

A secretary for a foreign embassy was entertaining

    Psychologists have discovered

Let's watch Lifetime! Sex is overrated. I don't

Cover charge:  $15.00 Round of drinks: 

10. You've got a hole in your head. 9. Your master

    DETROIT--With third-quarter

    Stupid people should have to

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night

-It is always possible to park directly outside

    One day a hunter was walking

An executive was in a bind. He had to get rid

Three guys are convicted of a very serious crime,

NICKNAMES If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose

A man and a woman who have never met before find

On Tough Jobs that Involve Letters: “It's

Monica Lewinsky virus: Sucks all the memory

Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died yesterday

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town,

This is a true story from the WordPerfect helpline.

Listen my children, and you shall hear Of

Run one lap around the office at top speed

A judge was punishing three men because they had

Element Name: MAN Symbol: XY Atomic Weight: (180

No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize

Who lit the fuse on your tampon? Support Cannibalism

Our Rights: The following was written by State

Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling

1. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A

1. Cover your stump before you hump. 2. Before

Crazy Mike the Biker walks into a pharmacy and

A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to

September 15     

December 14, 1972 My dearest darling John:

Monica's Diary Entry 1 Dear Diary, I'm so excited!

One day, Jeffrey complained to his friend, "My

If you want someone who will bring you the paper without first tearing it apart to remove the sports

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED: 1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats. 2)

Charlie's wife, Lucy, had been after him for several weeks to paint the seat on their commode. Finally,

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend. When I was 16 I got a girlfriend,

Bubbles and Barbie, two blonde sisters had promised their Uncle, who had been a seafaring gentleman

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail and tripped over a large snake and fell,

Two lawyers, Bob and Bill, were having a heated exchange during a trial. The judge asked both lawyers

A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crab. A female crew member took the

1. Men are NOT mind readers. 2. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put

BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a CHANGE! The chicken

You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and

1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out. 2. Age is a very high price to pay for

A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, "You have been a good cat all

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself ~~'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.' --

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old

A man and his wife were having an argument in bed. After the husband had finally had enough, he jumped up

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul

A couple got married and, following the wedding, the husband laid down some rules. "I'll be home when

One day, Jimmy Jones was walking down Main Street when he saw his buddy Bubba driving a brand new pickup. Bubba

Never buy a 'new' brand of beer because 'it was on sale.' If we're in the backyard and the TV in

Tom did like he always does, kissing his wife, crawling into bed and falling to sleep. All of a sudden,

Michael was feeling ill at work, and left after lunch to go home. He walked into the house and found

A redneck farmer from back in the hills walked twelve miles, one way, to the general store. "Heya,

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS Smart man + smart woman = romance Smart man + dumb woman = affair Dumb

A minister concluded that his church was getting into serious financial troubles. Coincidentally,

The only cow in a small Kentucky town stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found

a.. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity. b.. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian

"I'M GOING FISHING" Means: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream

A man and a woman, who have never met before, but are both married to other people, found themselves

Jim was annoyed when his blonde wife told him that a car had backed into her, damaging a fender, and

One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates,

A US Air Force C-141 is scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland at midnight. During the pilot's

A young girl from Ireland leaves home to find work in the bright lights of London. She comes home

A man and his wife were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, agreed

A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500. They did their

I believe in having sex on the first date. At my age, there may not be a second date. Senior Campbell's

A lady is throwing a party for her granddaughter, and had gone all out..... a caterer, band, and a

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." Winston Churchill "A modest

Yesterday I went to the doctor for my yearly physical. My blood pressure was high, my cholesterol

An Englishman A Scotsman and an Irishman are all setting in a bar in New York discussing about how

The Pope just finished a tour of the East Coast and was taking a limousine to the airport. Since he'd

Bad Metaphors from Stupid Student Essays (actually these are mostly similes, see Literary Terms) Her

The Best and Worst Comments Received: "Text is useless. I use it to kill roaches in my room."

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, "Esther,

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar. Woods turns to Wonder and says: How is the singing career

It Was Already Late Fall And The Indians On A Remote Reservation In South Dakota Asked Their New Chief

A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year old bride who is pregnant

King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with

Sue and Sally meet at their 30th class reunion, and they haven't seen each other since graduation.

An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.'

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the

Grandma's letter; She is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes: Dear

1. You must first learn to pronounce the city name, it is L. A. 2. The morning rush hour is from

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one

TO: MR. JAMES THATCHER, BRAND MANAGER, PROCTER & GAMBLE. Dear Mr. Thatcher, I have been a loyal

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. Garden

What, you ask, is "Butt dust?" Read on and you'll discover the joy in it! These have to be original

There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby so he went before the congregation and asked for

People who live in glass houses should make love in the basement. Never read the fine print. There

There was a fly buzzing around a barn one day when he happened on a pile of fresh cow manure. Due to

01/20/09 - End of an Error That's OK, I Wasn't Using My Civil Liberties Anyway If You Want a

Over drinks one afternoon a buddy of mine and I were discussing former "loves". I told him that I once

As You Slide Down the Banister of Life, Remember: 1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an

Two married friends are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says, "You know I don't

A woman married three times walked into a bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk that she was

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend. When I was 16 I got a girlfriend,

Jack's grandfather left him $10 million, and the next week Diane agreed to marry him. After three months

Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary. Suddenly,

Golf balls are like eggs. They're white, they're sold by the dozen, and every week you have to buy more. A

A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the

A young Southern couple got married and went on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately

16. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed Your Ass Out All Day Long 15. If I Can't Be

1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them. 2. Having sex in a twin bed is out

A first grade school teacher in Virginia had twenty-five students in her class. She presented each

10. You ticked him off once and your next phone bill was $20,000. 9. He's won the Publisher's Clearing

A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror while her husband reads in bed. "I feel horrible,

The only cow in a small town in Arkansas stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found

Three men died in a car accident and met Jesus himself at the Pearly Gates. The Lord spoke unto

An elderly patient needed a heart transplant and discussed his options with his doctor. The doctor

When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, but before

After getting all of The Pope's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow?

1. Illiterate? Write today for free help. 2. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try

Jack had a blind date with Jill for the prom and, as the evening progressed, he found himself attracted

After working for years, a hooker finally retired and, being afraid of spending the rest of her life

I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy."

The wife comes home early and finds her husband in their master bedroom making love to a beautiful,

10. Your visa card and your belt both hit their limit. 9. She's been wearing an engagement ring

Old West Phrases That Will Never Sound The Same After "Brokeback Mountain"... 1. "I'm gonna pump

A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The

You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track. Logic is a systematic method

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.On their wedding night, she told

DINING OUT 1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly

I've never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come

Bill and Hillary are at a Yankees home game, sitting in the first row, With the Secret Service people

A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie. The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes. The

I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court. I noticed an old man watching a teenager

According to the FBI, most modern-day bank robberies are "unsophisticated and unprofessional crimes,"

Father: Why don't you get yourself a job? Son: Why? Father: So you could earn some money. Son:

Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, "I never want to live

Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a good looking, older retired

1. A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired. 2. What's the definition of a will? (It's

Life isn't like a box of chocolates; it's more like a jar of jalapenos: you never know what's going

Take Care of the Big Rocks First A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in

One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When

Q. When is a retiree's bedtime? A. Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch. Q. How many

Dear Dogs and Cats, The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes

BACHELOR: A guy who has avoided the opportunity to make some woman miserable. BRIDE: A woman

Personal Ads That Were Probably NEVER Answered SWM: Roommate needed for six bedroom north side condo. $800/month

1. Gain weight. At least 30 pounds. 2. Stop exercising. Waste of time. 3. Read less. Makes you

A 90-year old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better... I have an 18-year old bride who is

An older Jewish man married a younger woman. After several months, the young woman complained that

A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her, "Just so you know, I never

In a small Southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone

The coach had put together the perfect team for the New Orleans Saints. The only thing missing was

A man walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face. "What are you so happy about?" asks the

Name of Boyfriend/Fiancé/Husband: I request permission for a leave of absence from the highest

A boy was taking care of his baby sister while his parents went to town shopping. He decided to go

"Remember, never ask a geek "why"; just nod your head and back away slowly... " Dan Wineman Memory

The Law of Volunteering" If you dance with a grizzly bear, you had better let him lead. "The Law

Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton and Al Gore were in an airplane that crashed. They're up in heaven, and

NUDITY I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible

1. Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found 2. hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works

* Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong. * Keep skunks and bankers and

A man entered the bus with both of his front pants pockets full of golf balls, and sat down next to

It is with the saddest heart that I have to pass on the following news about a great American icon.. Veteran

1. "Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife." 2. "I've always wanted

1. "I got kicked out of Riverdance for using my arms." - Michael Flatley (lead Riverdancer) 2.

The power mower was broken and wouldn't run. A lady kept hinting to her husband that he should get

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. 2. One tequila, two tequila, three

A man goes into hospital for a vasectomy. When he wakes up he's surrounded by several anxious looking

Bill and Hillary are at the Yankee's World Series Game 6; sitting in the first row, with the Secret

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat

A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside.

Useful phrases when dealing with the general population. Try to incorporate these into your conversations

People who live in glass houses should make love in the basement. Never read the fine print. There

Recently while going through an airport during one of his many trips, President Bush encountered a

1.) Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. 2.) If

A man is in his front yard attempting to fly a kite with his son. However, every time the kite gets

A minister concluded that his church was getting into serious financial troubles. While checking the

Two guys were walking in the woods one day, and they all of a sudden came across a bear. The bear noticed

A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem

A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the

A day before his 15th birthday, the son of a wealthy family was asked by his father, `Well my son,

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 YEARS OLD. HATEFUL LITTLE DOG. BITES. FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 COCKER SPANIEL,

A Mexican man becomes an instant millionaire after winning the lottery. With his newfound wealth,

Part of Air Canada's recent settlement with the Unions was hiring handicapped people! So, the other

Hillary Clinton gets elected President and is spending her first night in the White House. She has

Dear Tech Support: Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer

One day a fella was driving home when he suddenly realized that it was his daughter's birthday and

1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out. 2. Age is a very high price to pay for

You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for

Adam was hanging around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely. So, God asked him, "What's wrong

*Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal. *I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. *WANTED:

Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered. Some

So this isn't Home Sweet Home ... Adjust! Ring bell for maid service. If no answer, do it yourself! I

A man is sitting at the bar in his local tavern, furiously imbibing shots of whiskey. One of his friends

Miss Bea, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was much admired

George Carlin Speaks Out... I Am Your Worst Nightmare. I am a BAD American. I am George Carlin. I

Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, and Al Gore were in an airplane that crashed. They're up in heaven,

A city slicker, named Tommy, was on vacation in Texas. His hosts, being very hospitable, invited him

Some of us Southerners are pretty skeptical of horoscopes and the people that read them. If we are

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured

One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river.

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl. 2.

A man is walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows. "Twenty bucks," she says.

"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand." Woody

Some people say that I'm superficial, but that's just on the surface. On one hand, I'm indecisive;

Always wear brown shoes when Congress is in session. If the First Daughters are wearing short skirts,

A Russian and an Newfoundland wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic Gold medal. Before the

A wife arrived home from a shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed naked, with

This is how today's media would have reported the Normandy invasion to free those living under German

15. "Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby." 14. "I sure hope your

A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. While the religious one prayed day in, day

Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide. The first guy says to the second

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of sh*t . 2. I don't know what your

1. Jesse Jackson, Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called "Ministers

10 INDISPUTABLE TRUTHS BLACK PEOPLE KNOW, BUT WHITE PEOPLE WON'T ADMIT: 1. Elvis is dead. 2.

You live in Arizona when.. 1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade. 2. You

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck,

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the finance committee refuses to provide funds for the

There was a man named George who got a new job. His fellow employees always met for a round of golf

There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby. The preacher went to the congregation and asked

It is with the saddest heart that I have to pass on the following news about a great American icon.. Veteran

I'm worried that I'm losing my wife's love," the husband told the counselor. "Has she started to

How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened when she brings it. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Why

It was October and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new Chief if the coming winter was

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me.

Here's why . According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were kids in the 40's,

1. Never take a beer to a job interview. 2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting

The woman entered the room, and with a knowing smile teasing her full lips,she sank into the comfort

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as

This year, I resolve to ... 1. Gain weight. At least 30 pounds. 2. Stop exercising. Waste of time. 3.

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been

Last year, when the power mower was broken and wouldn't run, I kept hinting to my husband that he

3 Men were waiting to go to heaven. St Peter was at the gate and said, "However good you were to your

Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them. Having sex in a twin bed is out

A Canadian is having his breakfast (coffee croissants, bread, butter and jam) when an American man,

A woman has had serious headaches for several years and has tried everything; been to several doctors

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't

Warning on a bottle of drain cleaner: "If you do not understand, or cannot read, all directions,

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious

This is the best lawyer story of the year, decade, and probably the century. A Charlotte, NC, lawyer

There were two old geezers living in the backwoods of the Ozarks...Rufus and Clarence. They lived

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. Gardening

Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids. Never take life seriously.

A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year-old bride who is

A Russian and an American wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic Gold Medal. Before the final

1. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever! Unless you actually

FINE This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to

Some of us Southerners are pretty skeptical of horoscopes and the people that read them. If we are

A US Air Force C-141 was scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland at midnight. During the pilot's

"Aim towards the Enemy." - Instruction printed on U.S. Rocket Launcher "When the pin is pulled,

Miriam was dying and on her deathbed, she gave final instructions to her husband Sidney. "Sidney,

You are different and that's bad. Pop goes the hamster......and other great microwave games. What

Here are some observations about the politicians who run our country. They are from a Washington, D.C.travel

If you recall the old Hollywood Squares show, this will bring a tear to your eyes. They are worth

Two women friends had gone for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the

This is a test for men only and all "real men" will answer "C" to all of these questions. However,

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not live forever, because

Johnny and his wife went to the State Fair every year. Every year Johnny would say, "I'd like to ride

A nun was going to Chicago. She went to the airport and sat down waiting for her flight. She looked

1. "I can't find it." MEANS: It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I am completely clueless.

These are actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. Her face was a perfect oval,

An old man was sitting on a bus. A young man sat down beside him. He had spiked hair in all different

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. 2. If

Dilbert's Salary Theorem states that Engineers and scientists can never earn as much as business executives

ABBOT: Ultimate Super Duper Computer Store. Can I help you? COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up

You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop, and you see

What do you expect from such simple creatures!? Their last name stays put. The garage is all

There was this Asian lady married to an English gentleman and they lived in London. The poor lady

(Internal Revenue Service, an agency of the government to whom Americans pay taxes on their salary.) --Always

A wife arrived home from a shopping trip and was shocked to find her husband in bed with a lovely

King Arthur was in Merlin's laboratory where the great wizard was showing him his latest creation.

Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed

By Scott Roeben was a very wise man. But you'd never know it because he used such fancy-schmancy

Two elderly gentlemen, who had been without sex for several years, decided they needed to visit a

These questions about Canada were posted on an international tourism website and obviously the answers

This 80 year old woman thought she had the crabs, so she goes to the doctor. "Doctor I think I

Men are like ....... Laxatives ...... They irritate the @#%$ out of you. Men are like ........

Little Jenny walked into the kitchen one day and looked up at her mother, who was busy cooking dinner.

My Mother taught me LOGIC..."If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can't go to the store

A man and his wife were driving through country on his way from New York to California. Looking

"Managing senior programmers is like herding cats." - -Dave Platt "Do not meddle in the affairs

Two old pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane by going back to the place where they first

A plastic surgeon invented a radical new face lift procedure and was explaining it to a prospective

This memo is to announce the development of a new software system which will be Year 2000 compliant.

"Grandma, how long have you and Grandpa been married?" asked young Nina. "Fifty years," Grandma

An old man walked into the confessional at the cathedral and said to the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years

This little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with passing gas, but

An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he has never

OK, I'm the only female in a house full of guys. 4 sons and a hubby. Toilet seat is never down...etc. SOOOOoooooooooo

Gary and Martin were standing at the urinals in a public lavatory, when Gary glanced over and noticed

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have

A fellow came into a bar and ordered a martini. Before drinking it, he removed the olive and carefully

This lady is giving a party for her granddaughter, and has gone all out. She had a caterer, band,

An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his IRS agent and his lawyer (both church members),

A young couple had been married for a couple of months, but the man was always after his wife to quit

The staff at a local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's

"Diane, I just don't understand?! I don't have a boyfriend or a husband, I can never get a date and

Bob, a lawyer, was driving home over the Golden Gate Bridge after spending a great day on the ocean

A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things to be self-sufficient

For a computer programming class, I sat directly across from someone, and our computers were facing

Two salesmen were writing up their orders when the conversation came around to last night's big date. "So,

A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone (a male

A blonde phoned police to report that thieves had been in her car. "They've stolen the dashboard,

The Scene: The Pearly Gates to Heaven. St Peter is receptionist at the entrance. - A cat shows up.

A man was in a long line at the grocery store. As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten

Jesus dies and goes up to Heaven. The first thing he does is look for his father, as he has never

Two Polish guys were taking their first train trip to Warsaw on the train. A vendor came down the

A travelling salesman of agricultural machinery was on a three week tour through the hinterlands of

The townspeople did a little research and discovered they could get a cow from Moscow for 2000 rubles

The Saudi Ambassador to the UN has just finished giving a speech, and walks out into the lobby where

DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual

When Uncle Charlie died of old age, Bill was bequeathed his uncle's prized Amazon parrot. This parrot

A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately

Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view. The fact that no one

A "Kinder, Gentler System" Sony has announced its own computer operating system now available on

You met him in prison. During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway. He tells you

A little old lady wanted to join a biker club. She knocked on the door of a local biker club and a

A man decides to take the opportunity while his wife is away to paint the wooden toilet seat. The

The blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some bottom deodorant. The pharmacist,

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, Interviews, and testing

In a small cathedral a janitor was cleaning the pews between services when he was approached by the

An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While in China, he is very sexually promiscuous and

"What's the difference between a nail, a screw and a bolt?" the woodwork teacher asked Judi, the

Never before had Sue looked in the box that her husband Fred kept under their bed. The box had been

1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers. 2. What do you do if your

An engineer dies and reports to hell. Pretty soon, the engineer getsdissatisfied with the level

Four catholic ladies were having coffee...The first catholic woman tells her friends "My son is a priest.

Seems this hillbilly came to town carrying a jug of moonshine in one hand and a shotgun in the other.

A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce. The attorney asked, "May I

A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling

God summons St. Peter and says, "St. Peter, we have a problem. Heaven is full. However, we have a

This an interactive joke, so have a piece of paper and pen handy. A blonde woman walks into an auto

A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine-year-old son

A guy goes to the pharmacist and says, "Listen, these two girls are coming over this weekend, and they

Three sisters decided to get married on the same day to save their parents the expense of separate

A man comes home from work and finds his wife admiring her breasts in the mirror. He asks, "What are

By the time John pulled into the little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room

A bear is sitting in the middle of a forest taking the biggest shit of his life and feeling dam good

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

A cat shows up at the Pearly gates of heaven. St. Peter says, "I know you! You were a very nice

John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about

In the old Wild West, a Eastern newspaper correspondent had just arrived in a new Western town when

A man died in a horrible fire. The mortician thought it was George, but the body was so badly burned

One day long ago, a man and woman got married. The man told the woman that there would always be a

A man has a heart attack and is brought to the hospital ER. The doctor tells him that he will not live

Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price, but it's missing a

A father and son went fishing one day. While they were out on the water, the boy suddenly became curious

Two confirmed bachelors were sitting and talking. Their conversation drifted from politics to cooking.

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center where he was to advise new recruits about their government

A woman is becoming increasingly worried that she might never find a mate. She wonders if there is

An elderly couple, still very loving after all these years, is shocked when the woman's doctor says

An old married couple was sitting in their rocking chairs enjoying a beautiful sunset when the old

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of

Three women who work in the same office notice that their female boss has started leaving work early

A child custody case was held in court. The judge felt that the mother and father were both fit to

There were two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high school and were

"The thrill is gone from my marriage," Bill told his friend Doug. "Why not add some intrigue to

A blonde dials 911 to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail, and he tripped over a large snake and fell,

A priest was taking a shortcut through an alley one day and came upon a young boy who was masturbating. "My

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. By mistake, St.Peter directs him to go below. So,

Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam, "What is wrong with

An 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been

During camouflage training in Louisiana, a private disguised as a tree trunk had made a sudden move

Hank was amazed at the length of the funeral procession going down Main Street. Watching awhile he

A man who had spent his whole life in the desert visited a friend. He'd never seen a train or the tracks

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party. The wife came down with a terrible headache

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw,

A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red

A cute little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it

One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for

There was once a magic mirror in a ladies room in a bar. If one stood in front of this mirror and tells

A man was walking along the beach and found a bottle. He looked around and didn't see anyone so

Two psychiatrists were at a convention. As they conversed over a drink, one asked, "What was your

A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place: Man: What's the problem