night

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts

It was so cold last night the police stopped 3 youths pushing a mobile home down the street! When questioned

The young man said to his sweetheart,"We're going to have a great time tonight. I have three theater

A husband and wife were having breakfast. The husband was ensconced behind his morning paper."You had

One night, a husband and wife were having a conversation during dinner:WOMAN: What would you do if I

Late one night, little Johnny woke up to the some loud noises coming from his parents' bedroom. He got

The big-game hunter walked into the bar and bragged to everyone about his skills as a hunter. The man

The man came home drunk at four in the morning, and his wife was all over him, yelling at him, crying

A business man met a beautiful girl and asked her to spend the night with him for $500. And she did.Before

You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as

A man having trouble achieving an erection decides to consult a witch doctor.The witch doctor throws

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see

Two guys left the bar after a long night of drinking, jumped in the car and started it up. After a couple

A man and his wife were working in their garden one day and the man looks over at his wife and says:"Your

One day, a young cowboy and a cowgirl decided to get married. He was a man of the world and she was an

Question : Ms. America, how do you describe a male organ in your country?Ms. America : Well, I can

A couple who had 2 kids decided that whenever they wanted sex, they would use code words so the children

A man walked into a bar one night. He went up to the bar and asked for a beer."Certainly, sir, that'll

A very 'straight and honest' girl is going to Town. Before she left, her mother gave her some advice:

At Night. The wife had curled up ready to go to sleep, and the husband put his A typical married couple

Michael Jordan made over $300,000 a game. That equals $10,000 a minute, at an average of 30 minutes per

Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new home. It's fun to cook for Tim. Today I made an angel

A guy walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, "Listen, I have three girls coming over tonight.

Four friends reunited at a party after 30 years. After a few laughs and drinks, one of them had to go

There was this little boy about 12 years old walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a

A typical macho man married a typical good-looking lady.After the wedding, he laid down the following

A man is out in the Chinese wilderness and he's hopelessly lost. It's been nearly three weeks since he's

The class was very noisy just now because there wasn't any teacher, but now everyone suddenly turned

An 80-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results. The doctor says,

The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his late

A man is out drinking with his buddies one night and suddenly realizes he has stayed out too late and

A man had been driving all night and by morning was still far from his destination. He decided to stop

Maria had just got married and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding

The other day, my friends and I went to a "Ladies Night Club."One of the girls wanted to impress the

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party.She got a terrible headache and told her husband

A guy met a girl at a nightclub, and she invited him back to her place for the night.When they arrived

A married couple was watching the show, "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?" Atthe end of the show, the

It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When

A tired traveler pulls into a hotel around midnight. Very tired after a long day's trip he asks the clerk

1. My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom.2. GROW YOUR OWN DOPE, PLANT A MAN.3. All Men Are Animals,

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He has two large bags over his shoulders. The guard

One morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when she notices a strange little man at the bottom

A guy was talking with his friend in a bar and told him, "My sex life sucks, just when things start to

Ali married Aminah. Ali was so innocent that he did not know how to consummate the marriage (actually

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of

Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there, the guy

There's this guy who's in the market for a used motorcycle. Always wanted a nice big hog. So he's shopping

This boy has just taken his girlfriend back to her home after being out together, and when they reach

RelationshipsWhen a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and

A psychiatrist advised his timid little patient to assert himself. "Don't let your wife bully you. Go

A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a bottle laying in the street. Suddenly out

The old man was a witness in a burglary trial. The defense lawyer asks Sam, "Did you see my client commit

A sad man walks into a bar, and the bartender asks

A little girl and her dog are walking through the

Harry, Bill and Steve are sitting at the corner

Mark your calendar with the multitude of holidays

One night, George W. Bush is tossing restlessly

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night

Stan and John are walking to school one day and

10. No roof damage from reindeer 9. Never a silent

One day, a priest decides to take a walk to the

Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed.

One night, George W. Bush is tossing restlessly

A motorcycle cop pulled over a Lamborghini Diablo

A guyââ,¬â"¢s been dating the girl of his

A fat man sees an ad that reads "Lose weight. Only

A man having trouble achieving an erection decides

A tourist is picked up by a cabbie in New York

Two college roommates are about to go to bed. The

A drunk stumbles out of a bar one night and passes

The Lone Ranger and Tonto were camping out one

Q: What did the pollock say when he ran into the

It was a dark, foggy night. A man was wandering

A boy and his mom were walking in the mall and

There were three astronauts an American, a Russian,

Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving

There was a farmer who grew watermelons. He was

FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS, CLASS OF 2003! First of all

Cindy Lou Edleman Performs Quality Sexual Favors

What do you call a mushroom that goes into a bar

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple''s

A man came home from work one day to find his wife

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist

Two bats are going for their midnight feed. After

A man has six children and is very proud of his

There was a man who loved baked beans, but they

Q: A man rides in on Friday, stays two nights

There was a guy who worked for Blockbuster video.

10. When he enters a room there is a burst of purple

Halle Berry got a $500,000 bonus for her much-ballyhooed,

1. If being chased through town, you can usually

* When speaking fast you can make yourself sound

This week, the Bush administration finally released

A 70-year-old man went to the doctor's for a physical.

A man walks into a bar. Bartender asks what'll

An executive was stessed out. He had to fire one

A Drunken Night A guy wakes up in a drunken stupor,

An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks

A truck driver had a 2 day lay-over during the

Saddam Hussein phoned President Bush and said,

What a woman says, what she really means... I

Eddie went shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally

A very religious man lived right next door to an

10. You look like a hooker I knew in Phoenix. 9.

Gwen met Randy at a nightclub. They hit it off,

A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when

There was an American man that had an meeting in

Buy me a beer if you want the story told Of why

Season's Beatings There's gotta be a better way

But everybody looks funny naked! You woke me

One night a man decides to visit his local bar.

One day the Sunday school teacher asked what part

Say, "Damn, officer, you must have been going

Years of straining with poopie-ing, we can only

According to a news report, a certain private school

You've lost the feeling below your ankles. When

If you think no Christmas dinner is complete

A snail is walking down the road, when all of a

A man had a terrible passion for baked beans, but

December 1 - Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey.

A husband and wife were lying in bed together one

Husband: Shall we try a new positon tonight? Wife:

You know you're in trouble when... 1. The McDonald's

Road rage: Who gives a BEEP! Why not raise a

What has 72 arms and 36 heads an has an I.Q. of

1. Blast the Phantom of the Opera at midnight and

A pancake that has fallen on the kitchen floor

Did you hear the one about the Pope and the smokin'-hot

A boy goes to the drugstore with his dad and sees

Next on Entertainment Tonight, celebrity birthdays:

Did you hear what Lizzie Grubman did Friday night? Crashed

"It was too bad I wasn't a second baseman; then

President Dubya was awakened one night by an urgent

JENNA'S PREDICAMENT Do we really wonder why Jenna

George W. Bush is sitting in a hotel lobby, planning

Whether the cause is a previous night of drinking

Cinderella was having her period and couldn't go

10. See me after class. 9. Did you even read the

George W. Bush is sitting in a hotel lobby, planning

1. Your name must be Daisy, because I have the

SEX CONTRACT I, _______________________, hereby

Two junior co-eds went to the movies one night.

This guy was having a problem with mice in his

A drunk had been at a pub all night. At last call,

''What are you doing tonight?'' asked the Air France

1. Drive through the drive-thru in reverse and

A Fairy Tale for the Woman of the New Millennium:Once

11) I'm spiking the punch at the reception. That'll

A 13 year-old old paperboy knocks on the door of

These are excuse notes from parents (with their

After Bill Gates wedding night, his wife finally

A couple had been married for a long time, but

Two twin brother, virgin midgets decide to get

Bob just moved from New York City to Alabama. He

How do you describe a dyslexic, agnostic insomniac?

Why do brunettes know so many blonde jokes? Gives

Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a

One night a man rolls over in bed and gives his

There was an old man named Bozo, and all he had

It's the spring of 1957 and Bobby, a pretty hip

The St. Louis Symphony was playing Beethoven's

A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering

An eighty-year-old man is sitting on a park bench,

Q: Do you remember blowing Mr.Bubbles when you

One day the king of a fairly large country was

A bunch of guys are sitting at the local bar. They

You might be a redneck if going to the bathroom

A man was unemployed and bored, so he decided to

In class one day, Mr. Johnson pulled Johnny over

In the year 3000, animals rule the Earth; they

One evening, a man goes home after an unsuccessful

A man is sitting at a bar one night, wearing a

While he was rooting around in the basement, a

On a rainy night, three guys were driving through

The Li'l Rascals are sitting in class and the teacher

An elderly woman comes home and finds her daughter

An elderly couple decided to celebrate their 50th

Police arrested Joe Bloggs, a 27-year old white

There was a young woman who lived with her grandmother.

There was a woman who had very small breasts and

One Friday night in San Fransisco, a man hops a

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm

Son: Dad, I have to do a special report for school.

A man came back from a long business trip to find

A man with an average handicap decides to play

There once was a young man named Billy Bob. Now,

Dr. Schambaugh, of the University of Oklahoma School

* Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell

A young boy caught sight of his mother changing

Insider's Guide to the Male Vocabulary ''Haven't

Q: My fiancee still has feelings for his old girlfriends.

This guy buys a new motorcycle. The salesperson

There was a man named Joe playing baseball on his

One day little Danny was in Sunday School, and

A wealthy wife and husband were leaving to go to

There was a guy driving down the road when he ran

An old man and women owned a farm. The old man

Once, in a small town, lived a man named Jack.

I'll get a world record for this. Let me reach

A man went to a gift store to buy his girlfriend

A man was robbing a house in the middle of the

One night a Scottish couple took a walk through

This guy was really sleepy and needed a place to

Three men were in a NASA conference room to decide

A man and his pet giraffe walk into a bar and start

A boy told his mom, "I couldn't sleep last night

There is a accordion player driving home from a

A father and his son go into the grocery store

One night, a father passed by his son's room and

A travelling salesman's car breaks down in the

(Setting: A furious lightsaber duel is underway.

A married couple both lost their jobs at the broom

A man is looking in the classified ads for a job.

Billy's homework assignment is to think of a true

A man comes home late one night, drunk. "Where

A doctor, a nurse, and the top executive of an

A couple has been married for 50 years. One day

This guy lives in Westchester, NY and goes to

A mother took her kid to the park one day and the

A man was driving along a dusty road, when he ran

A man and his wife were invited to a swanky masked

A guy who was in the Air Force had just spent a

A young man wished to purchase a present for his

One day a man goes into a hotel and asks for a

A farm boy who had just finished his schooling

There was this guy who always went out drinking

In days of old, when knights were bold, And

Three rabbits escape from a testing lab and find

In the realm of the Mighty King Gates who has pulled

Being a huge Elvis fan, a pretty, young woman strolled

A month before Prom night the daughter goes to

You're so old, your teeth are like stars, they

A blonde bought an a.m. radio and it took her a

On a long walk in the woods, Johhny found himself

A guy sees a sign outside a bar that says "Piano

This blonde woman went to Canada to seek her fortune

A city girl was driving back to town after attending

Long time ago, in the land of Persia there lived

One night a man walked into a bar with a brown

How much do I owe yo mama? My dog came home happy

10) Collect potatoes. Paint faces on them and

One night, Sam went out drinking only to find the

1) In the middle of class, run to the middle of

It was the night of prom, and Sally didn't have

One night two drunks were wandering the town trying

MEMORANDUM RE: Computer Software Warning Last

(which in our society means over 25) An older

Due to a mixup on Grammy night, Madonna, Britney

After an overnight flight to meet my father at

A rich lady gives her butler the night off because

There was this bartender & he was working at the

A man decided to spend the night with a prostitute.

There was once a stockbroker who had made a ton

(Disclaimer--Some of this stuff is illegal.) *Ask

An old man is sitting on a park bench crying his

A pretty blonde woman is driving down a country

10. SHE'S A GOBLIN! 9. I'D LIKE TO GET A LITTLE

Many women are afraid of their first mammogram,

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.

Three couples want to join a church, but the pastor

My wife came home the other night and told me to

One day a Hippie gets onto a bus. He sees a beautiful

Mother Superior called a young novice into her

A newlywed couple had a slight problem when it

A married couple was walking down the street when

Once upon a time, there was a river. The Nile River,

An American businessman is on a business trip

10. I think of you as a brother. Translation: You

This lady goes to a vet and learns that that if

Jan.10 5:00 P.M. It's starting to snow. The

The young playboy took a blind date to an amusement

A man walked into a bar on a slow night and sat

A man was eating in a fancy restaurant, and there

Three dicks are talking about what their owners

1. Even though more people live on Vancouver Island,

A Texan is bragging to a New Englander. ââ,¬Å"In

A couple was getting ready to go to a Halloween

One day a boy and his mother were watching Cinemax

A young boy walks into a whore house dragging a

After working out in the gym, Bill, a gay man was

A man moves from Ireland to New York City, leaving

Two midgets on a bender in Vegas hire two hookers

Three hang-glider pilots, one Irish, one Australian,

A boy goes to the drug store with his dad and sees

There once was a woman who had a boyfriend that

There was a man who would come home blind drunk

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on an

A concerned husband goes to see the family doctor

A man gets on a bus, and ends up sitting next to

Slash, a well-known murderer, had been on death

A teacher was teaching her second grade class about

Once there was a group of vampire bats that lived

An old man and his daughter go to the doctor for

A Scottish man heads for home after spending the

A woman calls a clinic and says she hasn't been

A guy wakes up one morning with a hangover. ''Honey,

Last night I got temporary amnesia and I totally

King Arthur was about to embark on a long crusade.

A man was drinking in a bar when he noticed this

A woman woke up in the middle of the night and

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced

Yo mama is like a Corvette, she burns four rubbers

One day, a man had an accident at work, which resulted

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that. 2.

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and

But everybody looks funny naked! You woke me

You might be a redneck if you don't know what day

A woman was engaged to get married. She had never

Did you hear in the news last night, that a guy

Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough

There was this woman who wanted bigger boobs. So

Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed.

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison.

John and Bob were inseparable childhood friends.

Once upon a time there lived a woman in Brampton

An old lady's husband had just died and she felt

Two gay men, Paul and Tom, were making love one

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town,

One night, a police officer was staking out a particularly

A mystery-lover takes his place in the theater

Bill Clinton and Jesse Jackson are taking a post-workout

On the night of the prom, a boy's girlfriend is

A long time ago, a cowboy was captured by the Indians.

There's a bunch of doctors gathered together at

Words can't describe your outfit, so I'll just

A man and wife were celebrating their 50-year anniversary,

One day a father and son are flying a kite. The

A travelling salesman is out in the country selling

A typical macho man married typical good-looking

There was a man whose elbow hurt so he told his

What do you call a women who knows where her husband

Two prostitutes are standing on the corner and

A travelling salesman was out in the country one

One night three guys wanted to rob a bank. They

10. She's a goblin! 9. I'd like to get a

There were two blondes as roommates and they both

One night, a man with no voice and his friend went

Dearest John, I went to the door today and the

A young, innocent couple got married. On the first

One day there were two men walking down a dirt

They are independent. They don't listen. They

One night, three guys are at a bar talking and

Last 10 Things a Man Would Say: 10. I think Barry

A nun was telling some other nuns about how she

A Mismatched Pair of Gloves A young man wished

A blonde and a guy were out on a date and they

One night, a cabbie was driving through the streets

A cowboy was riding through an old abandoned canyon

One night, as a couple lies down for bed, the husband

These three guys got together one day and were

Two guys are in mental instituition. One guy

There was a tourist on a farm and he asked the

Did you hear about that big fire at the local gay

There were these two guys at the pub, and one guy

One night a robber broke into a home and heard

An elderly couple decided to take a cruise to spice

Two old people hit it off at a singles bar. After

There once was this deacon and this preacher, and

There are approximately two billion children (persons

Yo' mama's like a racecar, she burns through four

There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of

Three blonde friends were walking home from a party

What has six boobs and five teeth? The night

A Russian couple were walking down a street in

Once there were three bats. They lived in a cave

A man wanted to go on holiday in Ibiza because

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful

1: Passionate kiss like spider's web. Soon lead

A football player walked into a motel on a rainy

John and Sam are two neighbors always in competition.

It's the spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick

A man wanted to buy his wife a unique birthday

One day, three flies were sitting in a garbage

The privacy partition in the confessional booth

One night a bartender was closing up his bar and

A man claimed he could name any animal that was

Once there was man named Jim, who let his dog out

There's this husband and wife that have twin beds

What has more lives than a cat? A frog -- it

A Russian guy was walking down the street when

A math teacher and his wife were both 54 years

This city guy just bought a 400 acre ranch. He's

Once upon a time, there was a man who came home

Three mice are sitting in a bar. The first one

Did you know, on a cool, still dark night, you

A car decided not to stop for a stop sign but

What did one candle say to the other candle?

A newlywed couple goes on their honeymoon in Hawaii.

One night, God spoke to a preacher to tell him

Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out

A preacher's wife was contemplating what she

Two drunks are at a bar, drinking up a storm. One

SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction,

An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but

Is there a mirror in your pocket? Because I can

Bob is a regular guy out at a local bar One night

Two blondes are driving down the freeway chugging

Two rednecks are driving down the highway, drinking

* If the enemy is in range, so are you Incoming

You lose arguments with inanimate objects. You

Saturday 1:00 A.M. Alarm clock rings. 2:00

What do you get when you cross a rooster and an

A guy goes to a nightclub and when the bouncer

This guy is suffering from extereme abdominal pain

I did not kill my lovely wife. I did not slash

A couple was getting ready to go out to celebrate

1. Your reason for not staying in touch with family

(Sing to the tune of the Beverly Hillbillies)

1) Spend all day at a fast food restaurant, seeing

If Oracle made toasters... They'd claim their

A kid stands up in class and says, "Teacher, teacher,

One fine day in the middle of the night, two dead

One night a man decides to visit his local bar.

Lesson number one: A crow was sitting on a tree,

One day two girls were trying out for the school

A little old lady goes into the Chase Manhattan

Once, a long, long time ago, in a small village

A college psychology class was studing human reaction

When an attractive young girl returned from her

Two airplane mechanics named Bob and Tim work at

A newly married man was discussing his honeymoon.

A woman had a parrot that she took with her everywhere

A guy walks into a bar, sits down and has a drink.

Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac?

Squawks are problems left behind by airplane pilots

A married man visits a sex therapist because he

I was up all night wondering where the sun went.

Two brothers are getting ready for school. One

One day three women were at a beauty parlor talking

A young woman goes to church to confess her sins

One night a father sent his kid to bed. Five minutes

A Scottish man, an Englishman and an Irishman were

One day a farmer was sitting around with one of

A man walks into a pub and says, "Give me three

You might be a redneck if you think a woman who

What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire? A

Cross my heart this happened to someone. This guy

An escaped convict broke into a house and tied

40. Oh I just couldn't. Hell, she's only

Two old biddies were talking about their lives

A man in a bar has a couple of beers, and the bartender

Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful,

    A couple go to Mexico City for

Sister Mary Katherine lived in a convent, a block

Adam was walking around the garden of Eden, moping.

An old man and woman were married for years, even

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock

Twas the Night before Christmas, and all through

1) You're Different -- And That's Bad 2)

A madam opened the brothel door to see an elderly

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle.

    NBC 8:00 Friends 8:30

A panda walks into a bar. He sits down, and asks

A mortician was working late one night. It was

It was mailman George's last day on the job after

Q: What do you call a bunch of tractors parked

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting

JESUS is the Lord's shepherd. ELVIS dated Cybill

1. You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

Doris and Fred had started their retirement years

Members of Congress...people of America....I banged

Is your computer male or female? As you are aware,

Due to widespread panic about the Y2K bug, Internet

Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically

An old man in Mississippi is sitting on his front

The other day, my friends and I went to this Ladies

What did Bill Gates' wife say to him on their wedding

"No, really, I'm OK to drive."    

After his annual checkup, Bob is shocked to learn

A very old couple book a honeymoon suite in a five-star

Three couples were married and stayed at the same

A young couple were married and they were having

Aging Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly

When the ark's door was closed, Noah called a meeting

Two married buddies are out drinking one night

Jack comes home from school with a great big smile

70-year-old George went for his annual physical.

After a Christmas break, a teacher asked her young

A man is very ashamed of his penis because of the

The following letters were taken from an actual

A couple has returned from their honeymoon and

Are you considering having children? To determine

It seems that a young couple had just gotten married

One night, as a couple lies down for bed, the husband

    What to not say to the nice

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada

"COMPETITIVE SALARY"  We remain

    A fireman came from work one

This guy is not getting along so well with his

    Marol spent her wedding night

Q: What is the dirtiest thing ever said on television?

But Doctor, You HAVE To! In Turkey, Mehmet Esirgen, 52,

Santa was very cross. It was Christmas Eve and

'Twas the night before crisis, And behind White

A man had a terrible passion for baked beans, but

A guy comes home from the bar drunk one night around

(sung to the tune of Walking in a Winter Wonderland) Dogs

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a

In the back woods of Arkansas, Mr. Stewart's wife

You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore. Your

Mommy, what were you doing bouncing on Daddy's

You learned to swim about the same time Jaws

The new minister's wife had a baby. The minister

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night

An executive was in a bind. He had to get rid

Date     It's the Spring of 1957

NICKNAMES If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose

    Three ducks were swimming in

A frustrated wife got some Viagra for her husband.

A man and a woman who have never met before find

One night, the Potato family sat down to dinner.

$ Michael Jordan having "retired,"

    Every night after dinner, Merle

Bobby Knight, after living a full life, died. When

Remember the book "Men are from Mars, Women are

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town,

Donny is a 17-year-old ninth grader who is becoming

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed

You know your grandparents are doing it when... 10.

    'Twas the night before Christmas

"Yes" = No "No" = Yes "Maybe"

15 - You spent Sunday night in jail for cow-tipping

1. In the company of females, intercourse

    A sixty-four-year-old man is

"I'm hungry." = I'm hungry. "I'm

Saddam Hussein and George W. Bush meet up in Baghdad

    For all you guys out there who

A woman came up behind her husband while he was

Introductory Chemistry at Duke has been taught

Ã, Ã, Ã,  If you receive an e-mail

10. The quicker picker upper! 9. One a day,

Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling

1. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A

Some of the finest quotes from the Honorable Marion

A young punk gets on the cross-town bus. He's got

Dear __________________________,    

Crazy Mike the Biker walks into a pharmacy and

A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to

September 15     

December 14, 1972 My dearest darling John:

The wedding date was set and the groom's three

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night.

If you want someone who will bring you the paper without first tearing it apart to remove the sports

A man walks into a bar, he sees two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. He asks the barman, "Why

A young Chinese couple get married. She's a virgin, and truth be told he's a virgin too, but she

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique

You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and

"Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit." "It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch." "He

Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, were chatting about their relationships

After his legs had been broken in an accident, Mr. Miller sued for damages, claiming that he was

Police arrested Malcolm Davidson, a 27 year-old white male resident of Wilmington, NC, in a pumpkin

Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak. But all

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating,the wives left the table

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a client

A society lady runs into the employment office one day and demands a maid "right now". It seems

A man returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport after midnight,

A sailor was caught AWOL as he tried to sneak on board his ship at about 3 am. The chief petty officer

A couple got married and, following the wedding, the husband laid down some rules. "I'll be home when

Two old guys were sitting in the park, talking, when the subject turned to getting older. The first

An exhausted looking blonde dragged himself in to the doctor's office. "Doctor, there are dogs

Never buy a 'new' brand of beer because 'it was on sale.' If we're in the backyard and the TV in

Closer Than You Think! An unemployed man goes to apply for a job with Microsoft as a janitor. The

In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest

A very traditional elderly woman was enjoying a good game of bridge with her girlfriends one evening.

Maria had just got married and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding

A man and a woman, who have never met before, but are both married to other people, found themselves

A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in New York City. He lies dying on the sidewalk as a

A US Air Force C-141 is scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland at midnight. During the pilot's

An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover

The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, "You Can Be THE Man Of Your House." He

Four college friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to go up to Dallas

A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500. They did their

Customer: Hi. How much is your paint? Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things. Customer:

Way down in Louisiana, Boudreaux's old lady had been pregnant for some time and now the time had come.

A young woman was preparing for her wedding. She asked her mother to go out and buy a nice long black

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." Winston Churchill "A modest

Bad Metaphors from Stupid Student Essays (actually these are mostly similes, see Literary Terms) Her

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar. Woods turns to Wonder and says: How is the singing career

A man and his wife were working in their garden 1 day and the man looks over at his wife and says

After working most of her life Grandma finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her

I met an older woman at a bar last night. She wasn't bad for 57, we drank and bullsh*tted a bit,

1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow. 2. Money will buy a fine

King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them?

Congress Votes to Outsource Presidency, Washington, DC (AP) Congress today announced that the office

Last week my tie caught on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with an ax! I met the surgeon general.

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.'

Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing

A priest was preparing a man for his long journey into the night. Whispering firmly, the priest

A guy meets a hooker in a bar. She says, "This is your lucky night. I''ve got a special game for you. I''ll

I had checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely so I thought I'd get me one of those

1. You must first learn to pronounce the city name, it is L. A. 2. The morning rush hour is from

An old man and woman were married for many years, even though, they hated each other. When they had

Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age? Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old. Defense

There was once an aspiring veterinarian who put himself through veterinary school working nights as

"Late again," the third-grade teacher said to little Sammy. "It's not my fault, Miss Crabtree. You

A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if

A lady went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest

What, you ask, is "Butt dust?" Read on and you'll discover the joy in it! These have to be original

A young couple on their wedding night were in their honeymoon suite. As they were undressing for bed,

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's

Two married friends are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says, "You know I don't

A woman sat in the waiting room when her octogenarian husband was in the examination room for his

Old Aunt Cora went to her doctor to see what could be done about her troublesome constipation. "It's

A woman married three times walked into a bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk that she was

A newlywed couple returned to their apartment after being on their honeymoon. "Care to go upstairs

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers

One day while Little Johnny and his freind Arnie were playing out in the back yard,they started talking

A pretty blonde woman is driving down a country road in her new sports car when something goes wrong

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders.

16. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed Your Ass Out All Day Long 15. If I Can't Be

The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his late

A 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband, decided that

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg. It's tough

If your unfortunate enough to have to visit Yankee Country - like Boston (pronounced BAH-stin), this

A redneck goes to a pharmacist and says, " I got a hot date tonight, an' I need me some pertection.

Last summer John met a woman while on vacation and fell head over heels in love with her. On the last

"Are you religious? Because I could be the answer to your prayers." "Is there an airport nearby

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow?

After working for years, a hooker finally retired and, being afraid of spending the rest of her life

I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy."

The wife comes home early and finds her husband in their master bedroom making love to a beautiful,

John works hard and spends two nights each week bowling and plays golf every Saturday. His wife

10. Your visa card and your belt both hit their limit. 9. She's been wearing an engagement ring

"Hillary Clinton's 506-page memoirs has come out. So much of her personality shines through, that

Mike Tyson gets out of jail and proceeds to do what he does best... find a woman with whom he may

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed

Some retired deputy sheriffs went to a retreat in the mountains. To save money, they decided to sleep

Deep in the back woods, of Letcher County Kentucky a hillbilly's wife went into labor in the middle

It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car.

Recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex: The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. This

Married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment,

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After

MONDAY: It's fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately.

A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.On their wedding night, she told

I've never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come

Mary Clancy goes up to Father McGuire after his Sunday mor ning service, and she's in tears. He says,

Here's a prime example of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus" offered by an English professor

Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, "I never want to live

One Friday afternoon, two secretaries were hanging around the water cooler at the office. "Veronica,

California Vinters in the Napa Valley area. which primarily produces Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and

Life isn't like a box of chocolates; it's more like a jar of jalapenos: you never know what's going

A Georgia State Trooper pulled a car over on I-95 about 2 miles south of the Georgia/South Carolina

In case you have been waiting breathlessly for this year's Darwin Awards, here they are. The awards

Bill had always been a prankster. As each of his friends were married, Bill made sure some type of

One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches

An older Jewish man married a younger woman. After several months, the young woman complained that

It was last Wednesday night, and I was sitting in my room watching television when the phone rang. "Hello?" A

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be Able to get to the top of that tree," sighed

A company had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Management said, "Someone might steal from

The coach had put together the perfect team for the New Orleans Saints. The only thing missing was

History began some 12,000 years ago.(Actually, it was 40,000 years ago.) Humans existed as members

A man walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face. "What are you so happy about?" asks the

Concerned about her relationship, a woman approaches her doctor and says "Doc, I'm getting married

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party. After several drinks, one

John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called pullets

Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says "Where in the hell have you been?" He

Wife: Oh, come on. Husband: Leave me alone! Wife: It won't take long. Husband: I won't be

On a given night, 2 death row inmates are scheduled to be electrocuted on old sparky. While one execution

- Your sister's a real knock-out. Is one of you adopted? - For the longest time I lived with a

The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of

Customer: Hi. How much is your paint? Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things. Customer:

A couple in their nineties are BOTH having problems remembering things. They decide to go to the doctor

For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you

I checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely so I thought I'd get me one of those

Your friend compliments you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot. You don't care

When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly

At dawn the telephone rings. "Hello, Senor Humphrey? This is Ernesto the caretaker at your country

1. The patient refused autopsy. 2. The patient has no previous history of suicides. 3. Patient

Way down in Louisiana, Bubba's old lady had been pregnant for some time and now the time had come.

* Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong. * Keep skunks and bankers and

Two deaf men were talking on their coffee break about being out late the night before. The first

Commandment 1. Marriages are made in heaven. But so again are thunder and lightning. Commandment

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. As he sits, the waitress comes

This happened about a month ago just outside a little town in the bayou country of Louisiana, and

In the year 2005, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said, "Once

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds

One day a father of a very wealthy family took his son on a trip to the country with the firm purpose

Police Officer O'Leary is cruising around in his patrol car one night. He's on the lookout for trouble.

THE WIT AND THE WISDOM OF HOMER J.SIMPSON "Now son, you don't want to drink beer. That''s for Daddys,

1.) Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. 2.) If

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years. One night, during one

One night, a little blind boy's mother said to him, "Anthony, if you pray really, REALLY hard tonight,

John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Georgia. After

Hillary Clinton gets elected President and is spending her first night in the White House. She has

Dear Tech Support: Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the

After a night on the town, a young woman brought a new friend home for a late-night drink. "You can't

A groom and his newlywed wife go to the Hilton on their honeymoon. They check in at the front, and

Who said men don't remember anniversaries? A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband

There once was an Indian whose given name was "Onestone", so named because he had only one testicle. He

A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They

[The year would not be complete without the Darwin Awards - awarded every year to the persons who

One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of

A man fell asleep on the beach.He woke up several hours later and suffered a severe sunburn to his

Adam was hanging around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely. So, God asked him, "What's wrong

*Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal. *I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. *WANTED:

I. There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa

George Carlin Speaks Out... I Am Your Worst Nightmare. I am a BAD American. I am George Carlin. I

A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist. "Come now," coaxed the doctor,

Some of us Southerners are pretty skeptical of horoscopes and the people that read them. If we are

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured

A man is walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows. "Twenty bucks," she says.

"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand." Woody

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls

Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and going into the woods. Curious, he follows

A recent survey was conducted to discover why men get out of bed in the middle of the night: 5%

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet

Once again, The Washington Post published its yearly contest in which readers are asked to supply

10. Pair of edible Depends found on bedroom floor. 9. Lately, at night, they put their teeth

A man walks into a church confessional and says to the priest,"bless me,father,for i have sinned. "i

Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has

Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Congress said

It's the spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Bobby's a pretty hip guy

Whitey was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers called pullets and

One night a blonde nun was praying in her room when God appeared before her. "My daughter, you have

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always

It was Saturday night and the preacher still hadn't been able to think of a sermon for the next morning.

One day, the teacher walks into her classroom and announces to the class that on each Friday, she will

I'm worried that I'm losing my wife's love," the husband told the counselor. "Has she started to

Thor, the Viking God of Thunder, and his pal Odin were up in Valhalla, when suddenly Thor said to Odin,

Attached is some correspondence which actually occurred between a London hotel's staff and one of

Two rednecks are driving down the highway, drinking their beer, when flashing lights from a policeman

It's the only type of cooking a "real" man will do. When a man volunteers to do the 'BBQ' the following

I phoned up a really gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day. We lost track of time, chatting

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed

Jesus loves you...but everyone else thinks you are an ass. Impotence...Nature's way of saying

So anyvay, late one night, Lena vakes Ole and says, "I tink its time!" So Ole fired up the Yohn Deere

Historical information you need to know about shipping Manure: In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything

A man went to the beach to work on his tan. In his hotel room that night, he noticed that he had a

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington recently was faced with a unique

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious

He, who laughs last, thinks slowest. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film. A

An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other. When they had

A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 years old and

It's time once again to consider the candidates for the annual Stella Awards. The Stella's are named

70-year-old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal results. Dr.

Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each

A fresh-faced lad on the eve of his wedding night asks his mother, "Mom, why are wedding dresses white?"

I promise you cannot read these and not laugh out loud! These are real notes written from parents

A dedicated shop steward was at a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels.

A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off. "How

Some of us Southerners are pretty skeptical of horoscopes and the people that read them. If we are

Two men are driving through Pennsylvania when they get pulled over by a State Trooper. The cop walks

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK: Indubitably Innovative Preliminary Cinnamon THINGS

A US Air Force C-141 was scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland at midnight. During the pilot's

The cowhand got paid on Friday and immediately rode into town and proceeded to the nearest bar and

Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two prostitutes and take them to their separate hotel

"OLD" IS WHEN... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Pick one,

A man returning home a day early from a business trip got into a taxi at the airport. It was after

One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her husband in bed with another woman. She

Sherry lost her husband almost four years ago and still hasn't gotten out of her mourning stage. Her

1. When you get pulled over, say "What's wrong, ossifer, there's no blood in my alcohol?" 2. When

Description Missus manifests as a female humanoid providing cooking/cleaning features, and a sitting-room/TV

Russian couple were walking down the street in Moscow one night, when the man felt a drop hit his

Two women friends had gone for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the

FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80's, slim, 5'4" (used to be 5'6"), searching

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor

Students in an advanced biology class were taking a mid-term. The last question, worth 70 points or

Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room. Donald wanted to have

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not live forever, because

A Chinese couple gets married - and she's a virgin. Truth be told, he is none too experienced either.

1. "I can't find it." MEANS: It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I am completely clueless.

SUNDAY: 0800 - My 33 Sons 0830 - Osama Knows Best 0900 - I Dream of Mohammed 0930 - Let's

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself that he starts

These are actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. Her face was a perfect oval,

HER DIARY Saturday night I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to

Proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night the drunk led the way

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. 2. If

On the night of their 40th anniversary the reminiscing wife finds the negligee she wore on her wedding

- You only know three spices - salt, pepper and ketchup. - You design your Halloween costume to

One evening a father overheard his son saying his prayers "God bless Mommy, Daddy and Grammy. Goodbye

A jumbo jet is just coming into the Toronto Airport on it's final approach. The pilot comes on the

A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They

This is a compilation of actual Church Bulletins and Service bloopers... Our next song is "Angels

A little old couple walked slowly into a McDonalds one cold winter evening. They looked out of place

The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his

You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop, and you see

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table

The Nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one Sunday morning and she asked the question,

There was a farmer who grew watermelons. He was doing pretty well, but he was disturbed by some local

Police arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22-year-old white male, resident of Dacula, GA, in a pumpkin patch

King Arthur was in Merlin's laboratory where the great wizard was showing him his latest creation.

18. If you can't feed 'em, don't breed 'em!" 17. Jesus loves you...but everyone else thinks

These questions about Canada were posted on an international tourism website and obviously the answers

CLASSIC VERSION: The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house

Two deaf men were talking on their coffee break about being out late the night before. The first

Dear Diary: Day 1 Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When

25. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye. 24. Her Teeth Was Stained, But

One night a teenage girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet her parents, and they were appalled

Men are like ....... Laxatives ...... They irritate the @#%$ out of you. Men are like ........

Jose is 17 years old and lives in Mexico. All his life he has wanted to see an American baseball game.

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetie for Valentine's Day. As they had not been

After a long night of making love this guy rolls over and was looking around when he noticed a framed picture

A vet gets a midnight phone call from a farmer. "I`ve got a very constipated cow - been like it for

According to the Knight Rider News Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the US Department

A lady went into a bar in Austin and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the

An old man walked into the confessional at the cathedral and said to the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years

An old Indian chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a ceremonial pipe and eyeing two US

An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when the Devil appeared before him. The Devil

An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he has never

A man was out, driving happily along in his car late one Saturday night. Before too long, a cop pulled

A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife so he went to a psychiatrist. The

trucker hauling computers and accessories is driving down the highway late one night when he sees

An elderly man was headed home in his car one evening, swerving and weaving on the road, when he was

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have

A businessman entered a tavern, sat down at the bar, and ordered a double martini on the rocks. After

One night, Pinnochio's girlfriend says to him, "This stinks. Every time we make love I get splinters." So

At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on her idea of the perfect mate to some of her

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around looking for valuables and when

Two salesmen were writing up their orders when the conversation came around to last night's big date. "So,

Add It Up: Relationship Guide For all you guys out there who just can't figure it out, here it is:

Alice was becoming frustrated by her husband's insistence that they make love in the dark. Hoping

Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the big table he looks into his small bowl.

One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual Christmas gift for

Little Johnny sees that his friend at school has a new watch so he asks him how he got it. "I

A group of friends who went deer hunting separated into pairs for the day. That night, one hunter

A travelling salesman of agricultural machinery was on a three week tour through the hinterlands of

A tourist goes into a restaurant in Spain and orders the specialty of the house. When his dinner arrives,

These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to go up to Dallas

A blonde was listening to Two men at a party talking about the recent space program. not wanting to

A good Irishman, John O'Reilly, met regularly with his toastmasters club. One evening they were hitting

One night, a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the

A woman came up behind her husband while he was enjoying his morning coffee and slapped him on the back

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the sea, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded

A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at

A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist. "Come now," coaxed the doctor,

A man and his wife were working in their garden one day and the man looks over at his wife and says:

A man walks into a store to buy a Barbie doll for his daughter. "How much is that Barbie in the window?",

After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they

ATTRACTION - the act of associating horniness with a particular person. LOVE AT 1st SIGHT - what

*Juan the Smuggler* Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He has two large bags

A Bible study group was discussing the unforeseen possibility of sudden death. "We will all die

A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at

A man was called in for an audit by the IRS. So he asked his accountant for advice on what to wear.

The priest in a small Irish village was very fond of the chickens he kept in the hen house out the

An Irishman who had a little to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car

A man came home from work one day to find his wife sitting on the front porch with her bags packed.

Three rednecks, Bubba, Earl and Jeb, were stumbling home late one night and found themselves on the

A man woke up every morning and passed gas. After about eight or nine years of marriage, his wife finally

A man and his wife were doing yard work. The husband said to his wife, "Gee, honey, your butt is

One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying: "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were trying out for a new NASA experiment on sending women to different

Two guys driving through Texas get pulled over by a state trooper. The cop walks up and taps on the

A very good looking man walks into a singles bar, gets a drink and has a seat. During the course of

An old man was a witness in a burglary trial. The defense lawyer asks Sam, "Did you see my client

The widow takes a look at her dear departed one night before the funeral and, to her horror, finds

One day, the teacher walks into her classroom and announces to the class that on each Friday, she will

A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the

With no warning and clear out of the blue, a husband said to his wife, "Honey, I have invited a friend

God summons St. Peter and says, "St. Peter, we have a problem. Heaven is full. However, we have a

A guy goes to the pharmacist and says, "Listen, these two girls are coming over this weekend, and they

Three sisters decided to get married on the same day to save their parents the expense of separate

A little boy wakes up 3 nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents room.

A travelling ventriloquist on the road in between jobs decided to practice his craft before his next

By the time John pulled into the little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room

Three guys go on a skiing holiday together and to save money they rented only one room. After a full

A Scotsman was out having a very good time on Saturday night sampling the local product and on the

A drill sergeant was known to be brusque with his men. His lieutenant warned him to try to be more

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

One night a man walks into a bar with a pig. The bartender says to the man, "That's a great looking

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and

Some not too smart gangsters decide to rob a bank. After several days of planning they agree on the

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at

One day long ago, a man and woman got married. The man told the woman that there would always be a

There was this guy and he was driving along until he got a flat. He spotted a near-by farm and decided

Two Martians land in the middle of the night in a closed gas station. They get out of their space ship.

A fellow was walking through a cemetery one dark and stormy night. As he got well into the cemetery,

Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price, but it's missing a

Bill and Moe had started with only five hundred dollars between them, but they had built up a computer

All the good knights were leaving for the Crusades. One knight told his best friend - "My bride

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. As they lay down for the night, Holmes said:

A man left work one Friday afternoon. But, it being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the

Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Mann went to study at an English university and was living in the

In the back woods of Kentucky, the redneck's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the

A boy takes his girlfriend back to her home after being out together, and when they reach the front

A henpecked husband was advised by a psychiatrist to assert himself. "You don't have to let your wife

Grandpa was showing little Johnny around the farm, and when they came to the corral, he explained,

Father O''Grady was standing at the door after Sunday Mass, when Mary Clancy came up to him, tears

An elderly couple, still very loving after all these years, is shocked when the woman's doctor says

A man is in a bar and he gets really drunk and he goes home. He comes back the next day to get his

An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation,

Aging Mildred was a 93 year old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her

A man decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at

Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam, "What is wrong with

Every night after dinner, Merle took off for the local watering hole. He would spend the whole evening

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing.

A very attractive young lady was sitting in a fine restaurant one night. Waiting for her date as

A ninety-year-old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, when a young man walks by and asks him what's

A guy called Jacob finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, and as they had not been dating

A priest and a nun are on their way back home from a trip when their car breaks down. They are unable

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof

There was once a sheep farmer who had a French farm hand working with him to help castrate his

An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself that he starts

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party. The wife came down with a terrible headache

A couple made a deal that whoever died first, they would come back and inform the other of the

The general was confined to the military hospital for treatment of a minor malady. For almost

A principal of a small middle school had a problem with a few of the older girls starting to use

The manager of a liquor store gets a midnight phone call at home: - Hello! - At what time does the

A young wanna-be stud is vactioning alone in Hawaii. He hits the beach, hoping to meet some young

Three mates are down the pub. Bill and Joe are arguing about the amount of control they have over

It was George the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of

An airline captain was helping a new blonde flight attendant prepare for her first overnight trip. Upon