Jokes
Deduction
A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write
Married For 25 Years
This guy and this girl have been married for about 25 years and there sex just wasent happening anymore.
LIGHTS OUT
In a west Texas town, employees in a medium-sized warehouse noticed the smell of gas. Sensibly, management
GUARANTEED WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM
A man was ordered by his doctor to lose 75 lbs. due to very serious health risks. As he wondered how
Blow Job
A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender "Gimme a triple!"So the bartender pours him up a triple
Penis size
A man with a 20-inch penis went to his doctor to complain that he was unable to get any women to have
One Shot
A man decided to buy a new telescope for his rifle. He goes to a rifle shop, and asks the clerk to show
Airbag
A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady forty miles per hour. The wife is behind the
Car Joke
AUDI:Another Ugly Deutsche InventionBMW:Bought My WifeBrings Me WomenBrings More Women butBroke My WalletCHEVROLET:Can
Coffee and Captain
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain
Peanuts
One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, then catch them
The King & The Sorcerer
A king travels through the desert, when he suddenly discovers a man captured under a big rock, he throws
Mexican Border
Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He has two large bags over his shoulders. The guard
Needs
A husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. Their passion is heating up. Then the wife stops and
Ask too many times
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? Well, I hope you remember my story when they
Blanket
A Brunette, a Redhead and a Blonde escape a burning building by climbing tothe roof. Firemen are on
Sex Therapy - Florida Style
A Florida couple, both well into their 80s, go
Needs
Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed.
Xtreme Makeovers
Three Texas plastic surgeons were playing golf
Button Smashers
Saddam Hussein and President George W. Bush meet
Plastic Surgery Miracles
Three Texas plastic surgeons were playing golf
First impressions are everything
Q: What did the prositutes knee say to the other? A:
Death waits
There were three men on death row, a Brit, an American,
Move Out Of My Space!
There were three astronauts an American, a Russian,
Fast as You Can
A young man goes out and buys the best car on the
Things Couldn't Be Nurse
A man is lying in bed in a hospital with an oxygen
Doctor Demented
A British doctor, a German doctor and an American
George Bush , Saddam Hussein and General ...
George Bush, Saddam Hussein and General Cosgrove
Whats Love Got To Do With It?
What did Ike say to Tina when she came in late
The Great Saddam and Bush Debate
Ignoring the fact that George Bush declined Saddam
Potato in the Pants
James was on the beach, and could not understand
Oceans Apart
What did the Atlantic Ocean say to the Pacific
Osama and Bush Have a Dog Fight
Bush and Osama decided to settle the war once and
Lost with Translation
The American Dairy Association was so successful
A Little Help From the Shakes
There was a 40 year old man called Ian, and he
Vetoed Valentine Promotions
Valentines Day is here again, and with it the perfect
People Who Should've Won This Years Nobel Prize
1. Britney Spears & Eminem Who, combined, have
Hans Across Iraq
Dear Mr. Blix, Welcome to Iraq! It is so good
The President's Puzzle
Dick Cheney walks into the Oval Office and sees
How To Prepare Chicken...
A waiter asks a man, ââ,¬Å"May I take your
Comedy Central's Alleged Humor
Season's Beatings There's gotta be a better way
New Rules For Employment
SICKNESS AND RELATED LEAVE: We will no longer
Little Johnny's Prognosis
A young mother was having a consultation with a
Holiday Eating Tips - For The Sane
I hate aspects of this time of year. Not for its
Genie and the Taliban
Three guys: a Canadian, Osama bin Laden, and Uncle
Immaculate Pop Hybrids
What do you get when you cross Mariah Carey and
Retired Marine
A retired US Marine was looking for a new job.
Supermarket Mother
A young man was walking through a supermarket to
Fart Glossary
ART FART= it's such a beauty you want to immortalize
How To Bathe A Cat
I. Know that although the cat has the advantage
God Made Eve First
In this world God made Eve first and one day he
Medical Miracles
A Japanese man was boasting about how his country
Shaky Hands
Three old men were talking about how much their
Making a Good Impression
Don't Say This to Your New Girlfriend's Parents... 1.
Summer School for Slackers
Fail a class? Drop one too many? Don't worry about
Final Exam Failure
Last semester I took macroeconomics and didn't
Two fraternity brothers...
Two fraternity brothers decide to go sailing one
The Paperboy
A 13 year-old old paperboy knocks on the door of
Ned: The Most Popular Man in the World
Bill and Ned walk into a fast food joint one afternoon
Having a Beer With Your Brothers
A man walks into a bar and orders three beers.
The Crabby Cabbie
A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the
Religions of the World
Taoism: Shit happens. Buddhism: If shit happens,
Birth Signs
AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18) You have an inventive
Deathbed Confession
The was a man who had four kids, all gorgeous,
Ode To A Snack That Would Not Fall
Once upon a workday dreary, my stomach grumbled
Feminine Farting
Why do women always fart only when they go to the
Rules of the Southern Lifestyle
All good Southerners already know these, but in
Gorilla Chase!
There was a man who owned a giant gorilla and he'd
The Mailbox
A man moved into a new apartment, and he decided
Politically Speaking
"My uncle ran for Senate last year." "Really?
Miraculous Recovery
At the scene of a terrible road accident, a guy
Legs Open
Q: What did the blonde's left leg say to the right
The Sexy Negligee
One morning, seventy-five year old Marvin is
Smart Cape Bretoner
These three men were stranded on an island: a Nefoundlander,
Sperm Counting
There was this guy that went to the doctor to get
Joe's Accident
There was a man named Joe playing baseball on his
Scientific Beer Study
Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested
Blonde - Contractor
There was a woman who wanted to repaint her house,
Monster Tag
There was a guy driving down the road when he ran
Blonde Brains
Q: What's the difference between a blonde's brain
Marriage Made In Heaven
A couple were driving to a church to get married.
Oh My God!
There were three nuns talking and one nun said,
Chores on the Farm
A young boy comes down to breakfast one morning.
Lepechaun at Augusta
One day, a man was golfing when he hit his ball
My Three Whores
There are three whores sitting in a bar. The
Mrs. Andrews & Her Lost Love
Mrs. Andrews named her cat Love because it was
Three Rednecks
Three rednecks are talking about how stupid their
Nurse Nancy
Two doctors are in the hallway complaining about
Beauty & The Beach
What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing --
Monster.com
A man was driving along a dusty road, when he ran
Isolated Duty
A guy who was in the Air Force had just spent a
The Cross-Eyed Cow
One day, a farmer was tending to his livestock
Peanut In Your Ear
One evening, a man was at home watching TV and
Making a Confession
A drunken man staggered into a Catholic church,
Signs You are Growing Older
You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay
The Blind Guy Polemic
An almost blind guy walked into a sexy lingerie
Masochism Tango
What did the sadist do to the masochist? Nothing!
Capitol Parrot
One day while at the White House, the maid was
The Prom Dress
A month before Prom night the daughter goes to
Tick, Tick, Tick, Tick, Broom!
What's the difference between a broom and a fifteen-year
Gorilla in Heat
A certain zoo had acquired a very rare species
The Soldier
There was a soldier that enlisted in the army to
Little Johnny And Santy Claus
Dear Santa: You must be surprised that I am writing
Don't Listen to Him
A couple had been married for many years, and their
Newlywed Redneck
You could be a redneck if you were just married
Stumped Doc
A man goes to see the doctor and tells the doc
Frog With Special Diet
One night a man walked into a bar with a brown
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman
One day, an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman
No-Legged Dog!
What do you call a dog with no legs? Nothing...it's
It'll Burn Through Anything
A husband and wife were having some problems in
Computer Diagnosis
One day Bill complained to his friend that his
Astrological Signs
ARIES (Mar 21-Apr 19) You are the pioneer type
In Praise of Older Women
(which in our society means over 25) An older
On a Deserted Island
A regular guy and Tyra Banks are the only survivors
Memory Loss
Two very elderly ladies were enjoying the sunshine
Aggies R Dum
There was an Aggie, a Longhorn, and a Bug Eater.
Lucky MotherDucker
Once there was a farmer. He had two teenage sons.
The Newlyweds and the Doorknob
A newlywed couple arrives in their sumptuous honeymoon
Scratchy Lottery
A couple walked into the supermarket. They looked
Fun With Cops
(Disclaimer--Some of this stuff is illegal.) *Ask
A Little Head
This guy with a really small head walks into a
American Technology
A group of doctors were at a convention in Switzerland.
Jesus and his Father
One time in heaven Saint Peter said to Jesus,
Southerner Moves North
Jan.10 5:00 P.M. It's starting to snow. The
Sharing An Order
There was an elderly couple that went to McDonald's.
I'm Smelly Down There, Doc
A woman visits her physician. After waiting for
The Fridge
Bertha was worried about her husband George, so
Endurance Tests
Three hang-glider pilots, one Irish, one Australian,
Clemson Wedding -- A long, true story
This is a true story about a recent wedding that
Little Big Fart
There was this Indian chief who was straining to
Mrs. James Black Cloth
One day, Mrs. James was taking a shower, when suddenly
Things That Make You Say Damn!
10) When people go the speed limit in the fast
Intelligent Life?
Aliens from Somewhere-Out-There just landed on
Wedding Night
A woman from Alabama, who knew absolutely nothing
Blondes on a Rope
There were 11 blondes and one brunette on a rope
Hold Me
Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed.
A Few Philisophical Statements...
Always take the time to smell the roses... and
It Happened at 40,000 Feet
While cruising at 40,000 feet, the airplane shuddered
Drastic Diet
A fellow was ordered to lose 75 pounds, due to
Leggy Blonde
What did the blondes right leg say to the left
What a Scotsman Wears Under His Kilt
A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path
Blondes and Virgins
Q: What do virgins and blondes have in common?
Vending Machine and Blonde
Q: What is the difference between a blonde and
Top 10 Reasons to Live in Manitoba
1. You wake up one morning to find you suddenly
St. Paul vs. Minneapolis
Did you hear that everyone in Minneapolis quit
Blonde and Elephants
Q: What did the blonde say when she saw a herd
What Not To Say To A Cop
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my
Some Examples of Murphy's Law
Murphy's Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Innocent Couple
A young, innocent couple got married. On the first
C'mere Pig
What do you get when you cross a lawyer and a pig?
Under The Bed
One night, three guys are at a bar talking and
The Birds and the Bees
A father asked his son, Little Johnny, if he knew
The Poetry of the Tides, My Friends
What did one ocean say to the beach? Nothing
Baby Hermaphrodite
A woman gives birth to a baby and afterward the
The Hamster Show
A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender if
Three Drunk Men
These three guys got together one day and were
Proof That Santa Doesn't Exist - For Nerds!
There are approximately two billion children (persons
The Poopie List
Ghost Poopie- The kind where you feel the poopie
God Is Missing
Two 6 year old boys were attending religous school
The Runs
A guy was walking down the road, to a city about
A Real Watch Dog
A blind man walked into a bank with his seeing-eye
Golf LOFT
One time at a local golf course three shitty players
The Back Door...Toothpick
One night a bartender was closing up his bar and
Material Safety Data Sheet
Element: Woman Symbol: Wo Discoverer: Adam
World's Toughest Cowboy
Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out
The First Profession
A doctor, an engineer, a rabbi and a lawyer were
Three Men and a Stripper
Three men went into a stripper bar and this stripper
Jacko Christmas
What's the difference between Michael Jackson and
"The O.J. Murder Trial" by Dr.Seuss
I did not kill my lovely wife. I did not slash
What A Wheat-y Blond Joke
Two dumb blondes were driving through the middle
Corporate Lessons
Lesson number one: A crow was sitting on a tree,
Nothing But an Old Pedophile
A man came home from work to find his girlfriend
Banker Joke
A little old lady goes into the Chase Manhattan
Pays To Be A Cabbie
A minister has just died and is standing in line
Jet Fuel Alcoholics
Two airplane mechanics named Bob and Tim work at
Laugh Lines
Man to wife: ''Boy, you are getting old, look at
Field of Dreams?
A farmer's crop was ruined for the year and he
Smokin' Dope
Two guys get busted for smoking dope, so they have
Comin' 'Cross the Ohio River
There was a Kentucky redneck and an Ohio buckeye,
That's A Good Question
What's white and fourteen inches long? Absolutely
Tampons Got That Ill Communication
Q: What did one tampon say to the other? A: Nothing.
The Best Pub
A Scottish man, an Englishman and an Irishman were
Running Around Blindly
A policeman directing traffic at a busy city intersection
Well, Son, That's The Elephant's...
A couple took their young son for his first visit
Mexican Smuggler
Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle.
At His Finger Tips
A guy is tossing peanuts into the air and catching
Speaking Women-ese
WHAT WOMEN SAY & REALLY MEAN: CAN'T WE JUST
Handy Worplace Phrases
Some pretty 'useful' phrases you, too, can use
Bio-Optic Organized Knowledge Device
BOOK is a revolutionary breakthrough in
Peopling The Earth
A Catholic, a Baptist, and a Mormon are bragging
Nun in a Cab
A nun gets into a cab and the cab driver won't
Translating Male Phrases
"I'm going fishing." Really means... "I'm going
Tickle These, Elmo
A women desperately looking for work goes into
Bumper Sticker Sayings
1. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
Mama mia, what's a honeymoon?
Two Italian virgins get married
Cowboy, Rancher, Farm Animals...
A cowboy was passing by a ranch and decided to
Who Runs the Human Body?
In the human body, which organ is in charge? All
Six Shots of Jagermeister!?
A young man sits down at a bar. "What can I get
Grandpa the Nudist
A man was walking down the street when he noticed
Policeman
What to not say to the nice
Little Old Lady Knows How to Gamble
A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada
Oversensitive About His Missing Ears
Steve was in a terrible accident at work. However,
The Legend of the Christmas Tree Angel
Santa was very cross. It was Christmas Eve and
Extra! Extra! Drunk Man Farts in Bed
A guy comes home from the bar drunk one night around
Dating vs. Marriage
When you are dating..... Farting is never an
The Stupid Paratrooper
About ten recruits are making their first parachute
Accidental Bonding
A woman and man get into a car accident. Both
10 Things Men Won't Say
Let's watch Lifetime! Sex is overrated. I don't
You're Probably Aged 23 to 28
You learned to swim about the same time Jaws
First-Time Golfer
A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his
Praying for the Lottery
One Sunday, Shane walks into a church and kneels
Celebrity Computer Viruses
Monica Lewinsky virus: Sucks all the memory
One Chicken, One Road, Many Reasons
Why did the chicken cross the road? KINDERGARTEN
Little Johnny's Big Answer
It is near the end of the school year. The
Room with a View
A couple, both age 67, went to a sex therapist's
From the WordPerfect Help Desk
This is a true story from the WordPerfect helpline.
Have Yourself a PC Little Christmas
'Twas the night before Christmas
A setback in Iraqi-American relations
Saddam Hussein and George W. Bush meet up in Baghdad
Add It Up: Relationship Guide
For all you guys out there who
You Need Elephant Muscles
Jack tells his doctor how he can no longer sustain
Men & Women Of Chemistry
Element Name: MAN Symbol: XY Atomic Weight: (180
Bill Of No Rights
Our Rights: The following was written by State
Dear God
A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two
Skin Transplant Surgery
A married couple was in a terrible accident where
Horny Old Ladies
Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch,
You Bet Your (Sex) Life
A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend,
Mozart Beyond the Grave
When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard.
The Amazing Health Computer
One day, Jeffrey complained to his friend, "My
New Office Policy
Dress Code: 1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary. 2) If we see
White Zinfandel
Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she
Men's Rules
1. Men are NOT mind readers. 2. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put
Bad Day
Next time you have a bad day at work...think of this guy: Rob is a commercial saturation diver for
You May Be A Taliban If ...
With apologies to Jeff Foxworthy, US troops in Afghanistan prove they've retained their sense
Fifty One Years of Math 1957 - 2008
1. Teaching Math In 1950s A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production
Shoot First
One of the best marksmen in the FBI was passing through a small town. Everywhere he saw evidences
Men's Translations
"I'M GOING FISHING" Means: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream
Take Off
A plane was taking off from Kennedy. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain
$100.00
A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened Then
The Island
A retired corporate executive, now a widower, decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean
50th Wedding Anniversary
A man and his wife were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, agreed
Trip to the Zoo
A young boy goes to the zoo with his father. As they are passing the elephant exhibit the youngster
Classy Insults
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." Winston Churchill "A modest
Anesthetic
A hillbilly was making his first visit to a hospital where his teenage son was about to have an operation. Watching
Company Policy
Dress Code: 1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary. 2) If we see
Moped
A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO It is also the most
Having Fun with a Telemarketer
Me: Hello. AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T. Me: Is this AT&T? AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T. Me: This is
Grandma's Birth Control Pills
After working most of her life Grandma finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her
What a Woman Really Wants
King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could
Outsource the President?
Congress Votes to Outsource Presidency, Washington, DC (AP) Congress today announced that the office
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
Last week my tie caught on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with an ax! I met the surgeon general.
The Dying Man
A priest was preparing a man for his long journey into the night. Whispering firmly, the priest
Insomnia
A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia. The doctor gave him a thorough examination, found
Hair Dryer
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may
Tool Glossary
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your
The Lexus
A lady walked into a Lexus dealership just to browse. Suddenly, she spotted the most beautiful car
Social Security Sex
Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?" "Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security
Christmas Story for people having a bad day....
When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the
Priest In Airport Customs
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may
Car in a Ditch
An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help
Murphy's Lesser-Known Dictums
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. He
Operating Room
Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room. The
Beer Research
Last month, National University of Lesotho scientists released the results of a recent analysis that
Your Abbreviated Guide to Proper YankeeTalk
If your unfortunate enough to have to visit Yankee Country - like Boston (pronounced BAH-stin), this
Losing Weight
A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program. The next day, there's a knock
Ten Thoughts to Ponder for 2006
# 10 Life is sexually transmitted. # 9 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which
Bear Facts
A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of the University
Flight 293
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the
Different Father
A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The
Murphy's Technology Laws
You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track. Logic is a systematic method
May 22 New Approved Holiday
Slap Your Co-Worker Day is Coming!! May 22 is the official Slap Your Irritating Co-workers Holiday:
Pull on it
This preacher was looking for a good used lawnmower one day. He found one at a yard sale that Little
McDonalds
A German tourist walks into a McDonald's in New York City and orders a beer. (In Germany and many
Yahoo for the Indian
An attractive woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down.
A Letter To My Dogs & Cats
Dear Dogs and Cats, The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes
Honeymoon Prank
Bill had always been a prankster. As each of his friends were married, Bill made sure some type of
Final Battle
Bush and Osama decided to settle the war once and for all. They sat down and decided to settle the
History Lesson
History began some 12,000 years ago.(Actually, it was 40,000 years ago.) Humans existed as members
Sarcastic Remarks For Work
And your crybaby whinny opinion would be...? This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting. I
The Ten Year Old
A father asked his 10 year-old son if he knew about the birds and the bees. "I don't want to know!"
Make Me a Virgin
Concerned about her relationship, a woman approaches her doctor and says "Doc, I'm getting married
Cabbie and the Nun
A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices the very handsome cab driver won't stop
Rules of the South
Save all manner of bacon grease. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let
Dear Husband
Dear Husband: I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been
More Laws
The Law of Volunteering" If you dance with a grizzly bear, you had better let him lead. "The Law
Warning! New STD Alert!
The Center for Disease Control has issued a warning about a new virulent strain of Sexually Transmitted
Noah in America
In the year 2005, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said, "Once
Truth Be Told
A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The
Half a Head of Lettuce
A man in the Florida supermarket tries to buy half a head of lettuce. The very young produce assistant
Wisdom Of Homer
THE WIT AND THE WISDOM OF HOMER J.SIMPSON "Now son, you don't want to drink beer. That''s for Daddys,
General Conversations
Useful phrases when dealing with the general population. Try to incorporate these into your conversations
Buddy
An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to
Health Advice
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true? A: Your heart is only
The Bridge
A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly the sky clouded above his head
Computer Helpline
Helpdesk: What kind of computer do you have? Female customer: A white one... -------------------------------------------------------------------- Hi,
Fishing Buddies
At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady truck up a conversation and
Notice Of Revocation Of U.S. Independence
To the citizens of the United States of America: In the light of your failure to elect a competent
Recent Medical Research Results
Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption,
Getting Ready For Bed
John and his wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full length mirror
Santa Claus:An Engineers Perspective
I. There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa
The Angel
Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip...but there were problems everywhere.
Change
A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist. "Come now," coaxed the doctor,
The Tables are Turned
I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured
Bad Translations From Places Afar
In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the day. During that time we regret that you
Occupations
Accountant - Someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing. Auditor - Someone
Olympic Gold
A Russian and an Newfoundland wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic Gold medal. Before the
Weight Loss Program
A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program. The next day, there's a
God and the Blonde Nun
One night a blonde nun was praying in her room when God appeared before her. "My daughter, you have
Things you would love to say out loud at work....
1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of sh*t . 2. I don't know what your
Deep Hole
Two guys are walking through the woods and come across this big deep hole. "Wow...that looks deep."
Heaven
There were two lovers, who were really into spiritualism and reincarnation. They vowed that if either
Tech Support Conversations Part Deaux
I once received a fax with a note on the bottom to fax the document back to the sender when I was
Time Tested
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as
The Good, The Bad and The Ugly
1. Good: Your wife is pregnant. Bad: It's triplets. Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago. 2.
The Hypnotist
A woman has had serious headaches for several years and has tried everything; been to several doctors
Bumper Stickers You Might Want
He, who laughs last, thinks slowest. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film. A
Computer Women
A .. HARD-DISK Woman: She remembers everything you say and do,FOREVER.!!! B... WINDOWS Woman:
Church Bell
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's
More Things to Think About
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. Gardening
Olympic Wrestling
A Russian and an American wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic Gold Medal. Before the final
Words Women Use
FINE This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to
Convert
A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan
Useful Military Warnings
"Aim towards the Enemy." - Instruction printed on U.S. Rocket Launcher "When the pin is pulled,
Blonde Cowboy
The Sheriff in a small Texas town walks out in the street and sees a blonde cowboy coming down the
Crazy Teacher
The teacher noticed that Johnny had been daydreaming for a long time. She decided to get his attention. "Johnny,"
Pregnant
Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a physical, only to find out that she's pregnant. She is furious...
Post Office
A man worked in a post office. His job was to process all mail that had illegible addresses. One
Girls Night Out
Two women friends had gone for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the
Her Diary/His Diary
HER DIARY Saturday night I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to
Getting the most from your I.T. department
1. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards,
Nursing Home Negotiations
Two elderly residents, one male and one female, were sitting alone in the lobby of their nursing home
Abbot and Costello: Computer Shopping
ABBOT: Ultimate Super Duper Computer Store. Can I help you? COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up
Vegas Cab Driver
A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back and
Updated Employee Handbook
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A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the
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A 75 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar
Bridge To Hawaii
A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed
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A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a large amount of whisky at a
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When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was
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A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a department store and asks, "W-w-w-where's
Jesus is Watching You!
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around looking for valuables and when
Switched Inputs
For a computer programming class, I sat directly across from someone, and our computers were facing
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A beautiful young girl is about to undergo a minor operation. She's laid on a hospital trolley bed
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Add It Up: Relationship Guide For all you guys out there who just can't figure it out, here it is:
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Three Pastors were having lunch together at a diner. The first Pastor said, "Ya know, since summer
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When Uncle Charlie died of old age, Bill was bequeathed his uncle's prized Amazon parrot. This parrot
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This woman goes to a pet store to purchase some dog food. She puts the bag of food up on the counter
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Old Ladies
Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing. One lady turns and asks, "Do
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A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist. "Come now," coaxed the doctor,
Being Followed
A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady
Nurse Jenny
Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Jenny. "She's incredibly dumb.
Getting Permission to Play Golf
Four married men were golfing. While at the fourth hole, the first man said, "you have no idea what
Speeding Ticket
A driver is pulled over by a policeman. Man: Is there a problem Officer? Officer: Sir, you were
Base Hit
A Boston fan, a Yankees fan, and Pamela Anderson are sitting together in a train. The train enters
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*Juan the Smuggler* Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He has two large bags
Old Graveyard
Three rednecks, Bubba, Earl and Jeb, were stumbling home late one night and found themselves on the
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A man was being interviewed for a job. "Were you in the service?" asked the interviewer. "Yes,
Prince Charles and the Genie
Prince Charles finds an ancient wine bottle in the cellar of Windsor Castle. When he opens it a genie
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Three sisters decided to get married on the same day to save their parents the expense of separate
Why Worry?
In life there are two things to worry about: either you are well or you are sick. If you are well then
Phone Network Discovery
German scientists dug 50 metres underground and discovered small pieces of copper. After studying these
The Cannibals
Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat. They
A Million Dollars
A man was walking through a forest pondering life. He walked, pondered, walked, and pondered. He felt
Lucky Frog
A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices
Jesus is Calling You
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and
Singing Bullfrog
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me
Two Scotsmen
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of
Farting Competition
A man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying in bed for a few minutes the man cuts a fart. His
George's Two Assholes
A man died in a horrible fire. The mortician thought it was George, but the body was so badly burned
Credit Card Fun
A man received a bill for his as yet unused credit card stating that he owed $0.00. He ignored it and
Just One More Time
A man walks into a bar with his dog and orders two glasses of whiskey. He proposes a toast and both
Automatic Aeroplane
The world's first fully computerized airliner was ready for its maiden flight without pilots or crew.
Bagpipes
Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Mann went to study at an English university and was living in the
Assassins
Two assassins are hired to kill a dictator in South America. They follow his every move for months,
You Can Bet on It
Two unemployed guys are talking. One says, "I'm going to become a lion tamer." The other replies, "That's
Sign From God
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident. Both of their cars are totally demolished but
Reasonable Doubt
A defendant was on trial for murder in Oklahoma. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there
Dumb Nurse
Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about nurse Jenny. "She's incredibly dumb.
Pull, Buddy, Pull
An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to
Control Over Wives
Three mates are down the pub. Bill and Joe are arguing about the amount of control they have over
The Rude Parrot
David received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse
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Merv was in a terrible accident at work. He fell through a floor tile and ripped off both of his ears.
The World's first Profession
A doctor, and engineer, a rabbi and a lawyer were debating who was the world's first professional. The