nothing

Joke
Fun
Comedy
Quote



Jokes

Deduction

A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write

Married For 25 Years

This guy and this girl have been married for about 25 years and there sex just wasent happening anymore.

LIGHTS OUT

In a west Texas town, employees in a medium-sized warehouse noticed the smell of gas. Sensibly, management

GUARANTEED WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM

A man was ordered by his doctor to lose 75 lbs. due to very serious health risks. As he wondered how

Blow Job

A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender "Gimme a triple!"So the bartender pours him up a triple

Penis size

A man with a 20-inch penis went to his doctor to complain that he was unable to get any women to have

One Shot

A man decided to buy a new telescope for his rifle. He goes to a rifle shop, and asks the clerk to show

Airbag

A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady forty miles per hour. The wife is behind the

Car Joke

AUDI:Another Ugly Deutsche InventionBMW:Bought My WifeBrings Me WomenBrings More Women butBroke My WalletCHEVROLET:Can

Coffee and Captain

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain

Peanuts

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, then catch them

The King & The Sorcerer

A king travels through the desert, when he suddenly discovers a man captured under a big rock, he throws

Mexican Border

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He has two large bags over his shoulders. The guard

Needs

A husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. Their passion is heating up. Then the wife stops and

Ask too many times

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? Well, I hope you remember my story when they

Blanket

A Brunette, a Redhead and a Blonde escape a burning building by climbing tothe roof. Firemen are on

Sex Therapy - Florida Style

A Florida couple, both well into their 80s, go

Needs

Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed.

Xtreme Makeovers

Three Texas plastic surgeons were playing golf

Button Smashers

Saddam Hussein and President George W. Bush meet

Plastic Surgery Miracles

Three Texas plastic surgeons were playing golf

First impressions are everything

Q: What did the prositutes knee say to the other? A:

Death waits

There were three men on death row, a Brit, an American,

Move Out Of My Space!

There were three astronauts an American, a Russian,

Fast as You Can

A young man goes out and buys the best car on the

Things Couldn't Be Nurse

A man is lying in bed in a hospital with an oxygen

Doctor Demented

A British doctor, a German doctor and an American

George Bush , Saddam Hussein and General ...

George Bush, Saddam Hussein and General Cosgrove

Whats Love Got To Do With It?

What did Ike say to Tina when she came in late

The Great Saddam and Bush Debate

Ignoring the fact that George Bush declined Saddam

Potato in the Pants

James was on the beach, and could not understand

Oceans Apart

What did the Atlantic Ocean say to the Pacific

Osama and Bush Have a Dog Fight

Bush and Osama decided to settle the war once and

Lost with Translation

The American Dairy Association was so successful

A Little Help From the Shakes

There was a 40 year old man called Ian, and he

Vetoed Valentine Promotions

Valentines Day is here again, and with it the perfect

People Who Should've Won This Years Nobel Prize

1. Britney Spears & Eminem Who, combined, have

Hans Across Iraq

Dear Mr. Blix, Welcome to Iraq! It is so good

The President's Puzzle

Dick Cheney walks into the Oval Office and sees

How To Prepare Chicken...

A waiter asks a man, ââ,¬Å"May I take your

Comedy Central's Alleged Humor

Season's Beatings There's gotta be a better way

New Rules For Employment

SICKNESS AND RELATED LEAVE: We will no longer

Little Johnny's Prognosis

A young mother was having a consultation with a

Holiday Eating Tips - For The Sane

I hate aspects of this time of year. Not for its

Genie and the Taliban

Three guys: a Canadian, Osama bin Laden, and Uncle

Immaculate Pop Hybrids

What do you get when you cross Mariah Carey and

Retired Marine

A retired US Marine was looking for a new job.

Supermarket Mother

A young man was walking through a supermarket to

Fart Glossary

ART FART= it's such a beauty you want to immortalize

How To Bathe A Cat

I. Know that although the cat has the advantage

God Made Eve First

In this world God made Eve first and one day he

Medical Miracles

A Japanese man was boasting about how his country

Shaky Hands

Three old men were talking about how much their

Making a Good Impression

Don't Say This to Your New Girlfriend's Parents... 1.

Summer School for Slackers

Fail a class? Drop one too many? Don't worry about

Final Exam Failure

Last semester I took macroeconomics and didn't

Two fraternity brothers...

Two fraternity brothers decide to go sailing one

The Paperboy

A 13 year-old old paperboy knocks on the door of

Ned: The Most Popular Man in the World

Bill and Ned walk into a fast food joint one afternoon

Having a Beer With Your Brothers

A man walks into a bar and orders three beers.

The Crabby Cabbie

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the

Religions of the World

Taoism: Shit happens. Buddhism: If shit happens,

Birth Signs

AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18) You have an inventive

Deathbed Confession

The was a man who had four kids, all gorgeous,

Ode To A Snack That Would Not Fall

Once upon a workday dreary, my stomach grumbled

Feminine Farting

Why do women always fart only when they go to the

Rules of the Southern Lifestyle

All good Southerners already know these, but in

Gorilla Chase!

There was a man who owned a giant gorilla and he'd

The Mailbox

A man moved into a new apartment, and he decided

Politically Speaking

"My uncle ran for Senate last year." "Really?

Miraculous Recovery

At the scene of a terrible road accident, a guy

Legs Open

Q: What did the blonde's left leg say to the right

The Sexy Negligee

One morning, seventy-five year old Marvin is

Smart Cape Bretoner

These three men were stranded on an island: a Nefoundlander,

Sperm Counting

There was this guy that went to the doctor to get

Joe's Accident

There was a man named Joe playing baseball on his

Scientific Beer Study

Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested

Blonde - Contractor

There was a woman who wanted to repaint her house,

Monster Tag

There was a guy driving down the road when he ran

Blonde Brains

Q: What's the difference between a blonde's brain

Marriage Made In Heaven

A couple were driving to a church to get married.

Oh My God!

There were three nuns talking and one nun said,

Chores on the Farm

A young boy comes down to breakfast one morning.

Lepechaun at Augusta

One day, a man was golfing when he hit his ball

My Three Whores

There are three whores sitting in a bar. The

Mrs. Andrews & Her Lost Love

Mrs. Andrews named her cat Love because it was

Three Rednecks

Three rednecks are talking about how stupid their

Nurse Nancy

Two doctors are in the hallway complaining about

Beauty & The Beach

What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing --

Monster.com

A man was driving along a dusty road, when he ran

Isolated Duty

A guy who was in the Air Force had just spent a

The Cross-Eyed Cow

One day, a farmer was tending to his livestock

Peanut In Your Ear

One evening, a man was at home watching TV and

Making a Confession

A drunken man staggered into a Catholic church,

Signs You are Growing Older

You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay

The Blind Guy Polemic

An almost blind guy walked into a sexy lingerie

Masochism Tango

What did the sadist do to the masochist? Nothing!

Capitol Parrot

One day while at the White House, the maid was

The Prom Dress

A month before Prom night the daughter goes to

Tick, Tick, Tick, Tick, Broom!

What's the difference between a broom and a fifteen-year

Gorilla in Heat

A certain zoo had acquired a very rare species

The Soldier

There was a soldier that enlisted in the army to

Little Johnny And Santy Claus

Dear Santa: You must be surprised that I am writing

Don't Listen to Him

A couple had been married for many years, and their

Newlywed Redneck

You could be a redneck if you were just married

Stumped Doc

A man goes to see the doctor and tells the doc

Frog With Special Diet

One night a man walked into a bar with a brown

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman

One day, an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman

No-Legged Dog!

What do you call a dog with no legs? Nothing...it's

It'll Burn Through Anything

A husband and wife were having some problems in

Computer Diagnosis

One day Bill complained to his friend that his

Astrological Signs

ARIES (Mar 21-Apr 19) You are the pioneer type

In Praise of Older Women

(which in our society means over 25) An older

On a Deserted Island

A regular guy and Tyra Banks are the only survivors

Memory Loss

Two very elderly ladies were enjoying the sunshine

Aggies R Dum

There was an Aggie, a Longhorn, and a Bug Eater.

Lucky MotherDucker

Once there was a farmer. He had two teenage sons.

The Newlyweds and the Doorknob

A newlywed couple arrives in their sumptuous honeymoon

Scratchy Lottery

A couple walked into the supermarket. They looked

Fun With Cops

(Disclaimer--Some of this stuff is illegal.) *Ask

A Little Head

This guy with a really small head walks into a

American Technology

A group of doctors were at a convention in Switzerland.

Jesus and his Father

One time in heaven Saint Peter said to Jesus,

Southerner Moves North

Jan.10 5:00 P.M. It's starting to snow. The

Sharing An Order

There was an elderly couple that went to McDonald's.

I'm Smelly Down There, Doc

A woman visits her physician. After waiting for

The Fridge

Bertha was worried about her husband George, so

Endurance Tests

Three hang-glider pilots, one Irish, one Australian,

Clemson Wedding -- A long, true story

This is a true story about a recent wedding that

Little Big Fart

There was this Indian chief who was straining to

Mrs. James Black Cloth

One day, Mrs. James was taking a shower, when suddenly

Things That Make You Say Damn!

10) When people go the speed limit in the fast

Intelligent Life?

Aliens from Somewhere-Out-There just landed on

Wedding Night

A woman from Alabama, who knew absolutely nothing

Blondes on a Rope

There were 11 blondes and one brunette on a rope

Hold Me

Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed.

A Few Philisophical Statements...

Always take the time to smell the roses... and

It Happened at 40,000 Feet

While cruising at 40,000 feet, the airplane shuddered

Drastic Diet

A fellow was ordered to lose 75 pounds, due to

Leggy Blonde

What did the blondes right leg say to the left

What a Scotsman Wears Under His Kilt

A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path

Blondes and Virgins

Q: What do virgins and blondes have in common?

Vending Machine and Blonde

Q: What is the difference between a blonde and

Top 10 Reasons to Live in Manitoba

1. You wake up one morning to find you suddenly

St. Paul vs. Minneapolis

Did you hear that everyone in Minneapolis quit

Blonde and Elephants

Q: What did the blonde say when she saw a herd

What Not To Say To A Cop

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my

Some Examples of Murphy's Law

Murphy's Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.

Innocent Couple

A young, innocent couple got married. On the first

C'mere Pig

What do you get when you cross a lawyer and a pig?

Under The Bed

One night, three guys are at a bar talking and

The Birds and the Bees

A father asked his son, Little Johnny, if he knew

The Poetry of the Tides, My Friends

What did one ocean say to the beach? Nothing

Baby Hermaphrodite

A woman gives birth to a baby and afterward the

The Hamster Show

A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender if

Three Drunk Men

These three guys got together one day and were

Proof That Santa Doesn't Exist - For Nerds!

There are approximately two billion children (persons

The Poopie List

Ghost Poopie- The kind where you feel the poopie

God Is Missing

Two 6 year old boys were attending religous school

The Runs

A guy was walking down the road, to a city about

A Real Watch Dog

A blind man walked into a bank with his seeing-eye

Golf LOFT

One time at a local golf course three shitty players

The Back Door...Toothpick

One night a bartender was closing up his bar and

Material Safety Data Sheet

Element: Woman Symbol: Wo Discoverer: Adam

World's Toughest Cowboy

Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out

The First Profession

A doctor, an engineer, a rabbi and a lawyer were

Three Men and a Stripper

Three men went into a stripper bar and this stripper

Jacko Christmas

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and

"The O.J. Murder Trial" by Dr.Seuss

I did not kill my lovely wife. I did not slash

What A Wheat-y Blond Joke

Two dumb blondes were driving through the middle

Corporate Lessons

Lesson number one: A crow was sitting on a tree,

Nothing But an Old Pedophile

A man came home from work to find his girlfriend

Banker Joke

A little old lady goes into the Chase Manhattan

Pays To Be A Cabbie

A minister has just died and is standing in line

Jet Fuel Alcoholics

Two airplane mechanics named Bob and Tim work at

Laugh Lines

Man to wife: ''Boy, you are getting old, look at

Field of Dreams?

A farmer's crop was ruined for the year and he

Smokin' Dope

Two guys get busted for smoking dope, so they have

Comin' 'Cross the Ohio River

There was a Kentucky redneck and an Ohio buckeye,

That's A Good Question

What's white and fourteen inches long? Absolutely

Tampons Got That Ill Communication

Q: What did one tampon say to the other? A: Nothing.

The Best Pub

A Scottish man, an Englishman and an Irishman were

Running Around Blindly

A policeman directing traffic at a busy city intersection

Well, Son, That's The Elephant's...

A couple took their young son for his first visit

Mexican Smuggler

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle.

At His Finger Tips

A guy is tossing peanuts into the air and catching

Speaking Women-ese

WHAT WOMEN SAY & REALLY MEAN: CAN'T WE JUST

Handy Worplace Phrases

Some pretty 'useful' phrases you, too, can use

Bio-Optic Organized Knowledge Device

    BOOK is a revolutionary breakthrough in

Peopling The Earth

A Catholic, a Baptist, and a Mormon are bragging

Nun in a Cab

A nun gets into a cab and the cab driver won't

Translating Male Phrases

"I'm going fishing." Really means... "I'm going

Tickle These, Elmo

A women desperately looking for work goes into

Bumper Sticker Sayings

1. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

Mama mia, what's a honeymoon?

    Two Italian virgins get married

Cowboy, Rancher, Farm Animals...

A cowboy was passing by a ranch and decided to

Who Runs the Human Body?

In the human body, which organ is in charge? All

Six Shots of Jagermeister!?

A young man sits down at a bar. "What can I get

Grandpa the Nudist

A man was walking down the street when he noticed

Policeman

    What to not say to the nice

Little Old Lady Knows How to Gamble

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada

Oversensitive About His Missing Ears

Steve was in a terrible accident at work. However,

The Legend of the Christmas Tree Angel

Santa was very cross. It was Christmas Eve and

Extra! Extra! Drunk Man Farts in Bed

A guy comes home from the bar drunk one night around

Dating vs. Marriage

When you are dating..... Farting is never an

The Stupid Paratrooper

About ten recruits are making their first parachute

Accidental Bonding

A woman and man get into a car accident. Both

10 Things Men Won't Say

Let's watch Lifetime! Sex is overrated. I don't

You're Probably Aged 23 to 28

You learned to swim about the same time Jaws

First-Time Golfer

A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his

Praying for the Lottery

One Sunday, Shane walks into a church and kneels

Celebrity Computer Viruses

Monica Lewinsky virus: Sucks all the memory

One Chicken, One Road, Many Reasons

Why did the chicken cross the road? KINDERGARTEN

Little Johnny's Big Answer

It is near the end of the school year.  The

Room with a View

A couple, both age 67, went to a sex therapist's

From the WordPerfect Help Desk

This is a true story from the WordPerfect helpline.

Have Yourself a PC Little Christmas

    'Twas the night before Christmas

A setback in Iraqi-American relations

Saddam Hussein and George W. Bush meet up in Baghdad

Add It Up: Relationship Guide

    For all you guys out there who

You Need Elephant Muscles

Jack tells his doctor how he can no longer sustain

Men & Women Of Chemistry

Element Name: MAN Symbol: XY Atomic Weight: (180

Bill Of No Rights

Our Rights: The following was written by State

Dear God

A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two

Skin Transplant Surgery

A married couple was in a terrible accident where

Horny Old Ladies

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch,

You Bet Your (Sex) Life

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend,

Mozart Beyond the Grave

When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard.

The Amazing Health Computer

One day, Jeffrey complained to his friend, "My

New Office Policy

Dress Code: 1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary. 2) If we see

White Zinfandel

Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she

Men's Rules

1. Men are NOT mind readers. 2. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put

Bad Day

Next time you have a bad day at work...think of this guy: Rob is a commercial saturation diver for

You May Be A Taliban If ...

With apologies to Jeff Foxworthy, US troops in Afghanistan prove they've retained their sense

Fifty One Years of Math 1957 - 2008

1. Teaching Math In 1950s A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production

Shoot First

One of the best marksmen in the FBI was passing through a small town. Everywhere he saw evidences

Men's Translations

"I'M GOING FISHING" Means: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream

Take Off

A plane was taking off from Kennedy. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain

$100.00

A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened Then

The Island

A retired corporate executive, now a widower, decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean

50th Wedding Anniversary

A man and his wife were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, agreed

Trip to the Zoo

A young boy goes to the zoo with his father. As they are passing the elephant exhibit the youngster

Classy Insults

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." Winston Churchill "A modest

Anesthetic

A hillbilly was making his first visit to a hospital where his teenage son was about to have an operation. Watching

Company Policy

Dress Code: 1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary. 2) If we see

Moped

A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO It is also the most

Having Fun with a Telemarketer

Me: Hello. AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T. Me: Is this AT&T? AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T. Me: This is

Grandma's Birth Control Pills

After working most of her life Grandma finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her

What a Woman Really Wants

King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could

Outsource the President?

Congress Votes to Outsource Presidency, Washington, DC (AP) Congress today announced that the office

More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes

Last week my tie caught on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with an ax! I met the surgeon general.

The Dying Man

A priest was preparing a man for his long journey into the night. Whispering firmly, the priest

Insomnia

A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia. The doctor gave him a thorough examination, found

Hair Dryer

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may

Tool Glossary

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your

The Lexus

A lady walked into a Lexus dealership just to browse. Suddenly, she spotted the most beautiful car

Social Security Sex

Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?" "Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security

Christmas Story for people having a bad day....

When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the

Priest In Airport Customs

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may

Car in a Ditch

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help

Murphy's Lesser-Known Dictums

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. He

Operating Room

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room. The

Beer Research

Last month, National University of Lesotho scientists released the results of a recent analysis that

Your Abbreviated Guide to Proper YankeeTalk

If your unfortunate enough to have to visit Yankee Country - like Boston (pronounced BAH-stin), this

Losing Weight

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program. The next day, there's a knock

Ten Thoughts to Ponder for 2006

# 10 Life is sexually transmitted. # 9 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which

Bear Facts

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of the University

Flight 293

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the

Different Father

A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The

Murphy's Technology Laws

You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track. Logic is a systematic method

May 22 New Approved Holiday

Slap Your Co-Worker Day is Coming!! May 22 is the official Slap Your Irritating Co-workers Holiday:

Pull on it

This preacher was looking for a good used lawnmower one day. He found one at a yard sale that Little

McDonalds

A German tourist walks into a McDonald's in New York City and orders a beer. (In Germany and many

Yahoo for the Indian

An attractive woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down.

A Letter To My Dogs & Cats

Dear Dogs and Cats, The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes

Honeymoon Prank

Bill had always been a prankster. As each of his friends were married, Bill made sure some type of

Final Battle

Bush and Osama decided to settle the war once and for all. They sat down and decided to settle the

History Lesson

History began some 12,000 years ago.(Actually, it was 40,000 years ago.) Humans existed as members

Sarcastic Remarks For Work

And your crybaby whinny opinion would be...? This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting. I

The Ten Year Old

A father asked his 10 year-old son if he knew about the birds and the bees. "I don't want to know!"

Make Me a Virgin

Concerned about her relationship, a woman approaches her doctor and says "Doc, I'm getting married

Cabbie and the Nun

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices the very handsome cab driver won't stop

Rules of the South

Save all manner of bacon grease. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let

Dear Husband

Dear Husband: I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been

More Laws

The Law of Volunteering" If you dance with a grizzly bear, you had better let him lead. "The Law

Warning! New STD Alert!

The Center for Disease Control has issued a warning about a new virulent strain of Sexually Transmitted

Noah in America

In the year 2005, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said, "Once

Truth Be Told

A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The

Half a Head of Lettuce

A man in the Florida supermarket tries to buy half a head of lettuce. The very young produce assistant

Wisdom Of Homer

THE WIT AND THE WISDOM OF HOMER J.SIMPSON "Now son, you don't want to drink beer. That''s for Daddys,

General Conversations

Useful phrases when dealing with the general population. Try to incorporate these into your conversations

Buddy

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to

Health Advice

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true? A: Your heart is only

The Bridge

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly the sky clouded above his head

Computer Helpline

Helpdesk: What kind of computer do you have? Female customer: A white one... -------------------------------------------------------------------- Hi,

Fishing Buddies

At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady truck up a conversation and

Notice Of Revocation Of U.S. Independence

To the citizens of the United States of America: In the light of your failure to elect a competent

Recent Medical Research Results

Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption,

Getting Ready For Bed

John and his wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full length mirror

Santa Claus:An Engineers Perspective

I. There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa

The Angel

Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip...but there were problems everywhere.

Change

A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist. "Come now," coaxed the doctor,

The Tables are Turned

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured

Bad Translations From Places Afar

In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the day. During that time we regret that you

Occupations

Accountant - Someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing. Auditor - Someone

Olympic Gold

A Russian and an Newfoundland wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic Gold medal. Before the

Weight Loss Program

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program. The next day, there's a

God and the Blonde Nun

One night a blonde nun was praying in her room when God appeared before her. "My daughter, you have

Things you would love to say out loud at work....

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of sh*t . 2. I don't know what your

Deep Hole

Two guys are walking through the woods and come across this big deep hole. "Wow...that looks deep."

Heaven

There were two lovers, who were really into spiritualism and reincarnation. They vowed that if either

Tech Support Conversations Part Deaux

I once received a fax with a note on the bottom to fax the document back to the sender when I was

Time Tested

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as

The Good, The Bad and The Ugly

1. Good: Your wife is pregnant. Bad: It's triplets. Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago. 2.

The Hypnotist

A woman has had serious headaches for several years and has tried everything; been to several doctors

Bumper Stickers You Might Want

He, who laughs last, thinks slowest. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film. A

Computer Women

A .. HARD-DISK Woman: She remembers everything you say and do,FOREVER.!!! B... WINDOWS Woman:

Church Bell

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's

More Things to Think About

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. Gardening

Olympic Wrestling

A Russian and an American wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic Gold Medal. Before the final

Words Women Use

FINE This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to

Convert

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan

Useful Military Warnings

"Aim towards the Enemy." - Instruction printed on U.S. Rocket Launcher "When the pin is pulled,

Blonde Cowboy

The Sheriff in a small Texas town walks out in the street and sees a blonde cowboy coming down the

Crazy Teacher

The teacher noticed that Johnny had been daydreaming for a long time. She decided to get his attention. "Johnny,"

Pregnant

Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a physical, only to find out that she's pregnant. She is furious...

Post Office

A man worked in a post office. His job was to process all mail that had illegible addresses. One

Girls Night Out

Two women friends had gone for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the

Her Diary/His Diary

HER DIARY Saturday night I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to

Getting the most from your I.T. department

1. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards,

Nursing Home Negotiations

Two elderly residents, one male and one female, were sitting alone in the lobby of their nursing home

Abbot and Costello: Computer Shopping

ABBOT: Ultimate Super Duper Computer Store. Can I help you? COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up

Vegas Cab Driver

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back and

Updated Employee Handbook

DRESS CODE It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you

Test Tickle

A woman desperately looking for work went into a factory. The personnel manager looked over her resume

The Ant and the Grasshopper

CLASSIC VERSION: The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house

Diary Of A Mad Viagra Housewife:

Dear Diary: Day 1 Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When

Men are like ...

Men are like ....... Laxatives ...... They irritate the @#%$ out of you. Men are like ........

Girl Drinks

Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what

Horse Race

A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse. The horse's trainer meets him

Adult Video

A blonde named Mary decides to do something really wild. Something she hasn't done before, so she

Virus Alert

An entire new strain of viruses has just been uncovered and we wanted to get this information to you

Last Laugh

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the

Sperm Count

A 75 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar

Bridge To Hawaii

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed

Scotsman Kilt

A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a large amount of whisky at a

Beethoven

When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was

Stuttering Dilemma

A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a department store and asks, "W-w-w-where's

Jesus is Watching You!

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around looking for valuables and when

Switched Inputs

For a computer programming class, I sat directly across from someone, and our computers were facing

Hospital Trolley

A beautiful young girl is about to undergo a minor operation. She's laid on a hospital trolley bed

Relationship Guide

Add It Up: Relationship Guide For all you guys out there who just can't figure it out, here it is:

Mice

Three Pastors were having lunch together at a diner. The first Pastor said, "Ya know, since summer

The Amazon Parrot

When Uncle Charlie died of old age, Bill was bequeathed his uncle's prized Amazon parrot. This parrot

Useful Work Phrases

Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view. The fact that no one

Snatch Eating Frogs

This woman goes to a pet store to purchase some dog food. She puts the bag of food up on the counter

Rules That Guys Wish Women Knew:

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. 2. Learn to work the toilet seat; if

Old Ladies

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing. One lady turns and asks, "Do

Going Back to the Doctor

A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist. "Come now," coaxed the doctor,

Being Followed

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady

Nurse Jenny

Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Jenny. "She's incredibly dumb.

Getting Permission to Play Golf

Four married men were golfing. While at the fourth hole, the first man said, "you have no idea what

Speeding Ticket

A driver is pulled over by a policeman. Man: Is there a problem Officer? Officer: Sir, you were

Base Hit

A Boston fan, a Yankees fan, and Pamela Anderson are sitting together in a train. The train enters

Juan the Smuggle

*Juan the Smuggler* Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He has two large bags

Old Graveyard

Three rednecks, Bubba, Earl and Jeb, were stumbling home late one night and found themselves on the

Work Disability

A man was being interviewed for a job. "Were you in the service?" asked the interviewer. "Yes,

Prince Charles and the Genie

Prince Charles finds an ancient wine bottle in the cellar of Windsor Castle. When he opens it a genie

3 Honeymoon Nights

Three sisters decided to get married on the same day to save their parents the expense of separate

Why Worry?

In life there are two things to worry about: either you are well or you are sick. If you are well then

Phone Network Discovery

German scientists dug 50 metres underground and discovered small pieces of copper. After studying these

The Cannibals

Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat. They

A Million Dollars

A man was walking through a forest pondering life. He walked, pondered, walked, and pondered. He felt

Lucky Frog

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices

Jesus is Calling You

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and

Singing Bullfrog

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me

Two Scotsmen

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of

Farting Competition

A man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying in bed for a few minutes the man cuts a fart. His

George's Two Assholes

A man died in a horrible fire. The mortician thought it was George, but the body was so badly burned

Credit Card Fun

A man received a bill for his as yet unused credit card stating that he owed $0.00. He ignored it and

Just One More Time

A man walks into a bar with his dog and orders two glasses of whiskey. He proposes a toast and both

Automatic Aeroplane

The world's first fully computerized airliner was ready for its maiden flight without pilots or crew.

Bagpipes

Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Mann went to study at an English university and was living in the

Assassins

Two assassins are hired to kill a dictator in South America. They follow his every move for months,

You Can Bet on It

Two unemployed guys are talking. One says, "I'm going to become a lion tamer." The other replies, "That's

Sign From God

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident. Both of their cars are totally demolished but

Reasonable Doubt

A defendant was on trial for murder in Oklahoma. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there

Dumb Nurse

Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about nurse Jenny. "She's incredibly dumb.

Pull, Buddy, Pull

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to

Control Over Wives

Three mates are down the pub. Bill and Joe are arguing about the amount of control they have over

The Rude Parrot

David received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse

Work Accident

Merv was in a terrible accident at work. He fell through a floor tile and ripped off both of his ears.

The World's first Profession

A doctor, and engineer, a rabbi and a lawyer were debating who was the world's first professional. The