Jokes
A computer walks into a bar
A computer walks into a bar and sits down to order a drink. The bartender looks over at him and says,
GUARANTEED WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM
A man was ordered by his doctor to lose 75 lbs. due to very serious health risks. As he wondered how
Donuts
A man walks into a hamburger shop and orders a regular meal. Later, the waitress brings his meal to him.He
Natchitoches
Two tourists were traveling through Louisiana. As they approached Natchitoches, they started arguing
Last Bowl
A man goes into a cafe and sits down. A waitress comes to take his order, and he asks her, "What's the
High Birth Rate
A little town had a high birth rate that had attracted the attention of the sociologists at the state
Escapes From Prison
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.He breaks into a house to look for money and
How do you know a guy is a virgin
A very 'straight and honest' girl is going to Town. Before she left, her mother gave her some advice:
Everything is big in Texas
There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats
Chick With Long Legs
A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him. As he sits down, the bartender comes over and
Mongolian VD
An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While China, he is very sexually promiscuous and does not
Help Yourself With The Grass
One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass
Marriage
How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.The most effective
Monkey
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts
Bud
A girl walks into a bar and asks for a Bud. The bartender gives it to her, she drinks it, and passes
The King & The Sorcerer
A king travels through the desert, when he suddenly discovers a man captured under a big rock, he throws
Legs
A few fraternity brothers needed to fill a science requirement in order to graduate, so they spent weeks
Mexican Border
Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He has two large bags over his shoulders. The guard
Five More Yards
In Scotland, the most important time for a young lad is when he "comes of age" and is allowed to purchase
Last Chicken
A man goes to a restaurant and orders a chicken dish. By the time the food is ready and he is about to
Elevator
After gaining a small family inheritance, a redneck family was visiting a mall. The father and son were
Intercom
This boy has just taken his girlfriend back to her home after being out together, and when they reach
Timid Patient
A psychiatrist advised his timid little patient to assert himself. "Don't let your wife bully you. Go
Irish Pub Sausage
Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't
Share and Share Alike
An elderly couple walk into a fast food restaurant.
Coffee, No Cream
A man walks into a coffee shop and places his order. "I'd
New Holidays for a New Year
Mark your calendar with the multitude of holidays
Don't Leave 'Em Hanging
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.
Free of Charge
A neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink.
Slick Willy
Bill Clinton, George W. Bush, and Ross Perot are
Blonde Bet
A blonde and a brunette are in a bar. As they order
I Bet You Can't...
A man walks into a bar and orders shots for the
Punchlines With Absolutely No Context
ââ,¬Å"No, no, no!ââ,¬Â said the penguin,
A man went on vacation to Texas...
A man went on vacation to Texas. He went into a
There was a man who loved baked beans...
There was a man who loved baked beans, but they
After Great Britain's Beer Festival...
After Great Britain's Beer Festival, all the brewery
A Scotsman is on holiday in New York City...
A Scotsman is on holiday in New York City. It's
An airline's passenger cabin was being ...
An airline's passenger cabin was being served by
A Brunette a red head and a blonde were in ...
A brunette, a red-head and a blonde were in jail
Two nuns from France were coming to New York...
Two nuns from France were coming to New York.
There was this redneck that walked into a ...
There was this redneck that walked into a bar and
The Bible for Dummies
AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows. BULLETIN:
Celebrity Sayings
Angelina Jolie: I am so in love with my brother
Frenchman Walks into a Bar
A frenchman walks into a bar, smiles at the landlord
The Geography of Men and Women
The Geography of a Woman Between the ages of
The Monkey Goes Where the Wind Blows ...
This week, the Bush administration finally released
The Great Saddam and Bush Debate
Ignoring the fact that George Bush declined Saddam
Trouble
A man walks into a bar. Bartender asks what'll
10 Reasons You Know You Bought a Bad Computer
1. Lower corner of screen has the words "Etch-a-sketch"
3 Please
An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks
A Leprechaun and his Bodily Fluids
One day a man walked in a bar with a box. He sat
Penis Requests a Raise
I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary
Another Dumb Mama Joke
Yo mama so dumb, she tried putting M&Ms in alphabetical
Assembly Required
A gynecologist tired of his profession, and wanting
One hungry Bush...
One day George W. Bush and Dick Cheney walk into
String in the Pants = Clean Hands
A man went to a cafe and ordered some soup. Half
Massively Kewl Knock Knock Jokes!!!
Knock, knock Whoââ,¬â"¢s there? Sorry,
How To Prepare Chicken...
A waiter asks a man, ââ,¬Å"May I take your
New Rules For Employment
SICKNESS AND RELATED LEAVE: We will no longer
Limey Penguin
A penguin walks into a bar and asks for a sandwich
Takeout Small Talk
A man goes to a restaurant, orders some takeout,
Bar Bet
One night a man decides to visit his local bar.
Monkey Balls
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He
Bullfight Buffet
A man goes to Spain and attends a bullfight. Afterwards
The NEW Poopie List!
Years of straining with poopie-ing, we can only
Christmas Songs for Shrinks
Schizophrenia: Do You Hear What I Hear? Multiple
Top 10 Benefits of Being A Woman
Women got off the Titanic first. Women can scare
50 Ways To Annoy Osama bin Laden...
Fifty Ways To Annoy Osama bin Laden If You're Invited
Brunette Jokes
"Oh my god! A brunette walked into a doctor's office
Bar, Guy, Endless Possibilities
A bar walks into a guy. The bar orders a liver,
Yo daddy's so dumb... court
Yo daddy is so dumb that he went to court and
Latino Martial Arts
This small Latino man walks into a bar, sits, and
Planet of the Apes: Secrets Revealed
* Silicon-enhanced chests and lips reveal that
Signs You Picked the Wrong ISP
10. Their company logo: two tin cans and a length
A squad of American soldiers was patrolling...
A squad of American soldiers was patrolling the
Dubya, Obviously Not Jewish
One day George W. went out to dinner with a Jewish
Beer Machismo
After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London,
Hot Babe in Bar
A hot babe goes into a bar and orders a 'sex on
Bush and Cheney Lunch
President Bush and Dick Cheney are having lunch
Special High Intensity Teaching
In order to assure the highest levels of quality
Summer School for Slackers
Fail a class? Drop one too many? Don't worry about
Fun Things to Do at a Drive-Thru
1. Drive through the drive-thru in reverse and
NOAH's ARK - A Modern Tale
And the Lord spoke to Noah: ''In six months I'm
Ned: The Most Popular Man in the World
Bill and Ned walk into a fast food joint one afternoon
Having a Beer With Your Brothers
A man walks into a bar and orders three beers.
Birth Signs
AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18) You have an inventive
Gynecologist Grease Monkey
A gynecologist was getting sick of his job and
Funny Answering Machine Messages
1) The president is not in his/her office at this
Secrets of a Successful Date
Before you leave your house... 1. Put on a little
Best Way of Skipping Out on a Check
Bring a sock puppet with you to the restaurant.
Bar: Horny Wife, Pooped Husband
A man walks into a bar and orders a double, obviously
Comfortable
Two sisters, a blonde and a brunette, inherit the
Fall-Down Drunk
A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering
Rules of the Southern Lifestyle
All good Southerners already know these, but in
All You Can Drink
A man walks into a bar, sits down on a bench and
Bulgy Protrudy Is What They Call Me
This middle-aged guy wakes up one morning and notices
Tea Time
An American cowboy was traveling in England and
How To Be Annoying (A Guide)
* Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people
Hillbilly Newlyweds
A newly married hillbilly couple decided they wanted
Nuns Should Beware San Francisco Buses
One Friday night in San Fransisco, a man hops a
Math Trouble
A little girl was failing math. Her mother enrolled
Hell Freezes Over
Dr. Schambaugh, of the University of Oklahoma School
Mushroom into Bar
A mushroom goes into a bar and sits down to order
Pizza, Pizza
A guy ordered a pizza, and Luigi behind the counter
Jeeves
A wealthy wife and husband were leaving to go to
Hierarchy
From: General Manager To: Departmental
Bar: Alien Poker
An alien walked into a bar and sat down next to
Capon Fear
Why was the chicken afraid of the chicken? Far
Incontinent Leprechaun
One day a man walked in a bar with a box. He sat
Turtle Soup
A waitress walks up to a man to take his order.
Yo mama's so stupid... asphalt
Yo mama's so stupid she thought asphalt was a rectal
Red Ball Express
All drivers for Red Ball Express had orders to
Dirty Jokes and Beer
A woman walks into a bar and orders a drink. A
Big Testicles
A tourist is in Spain, and goes to a fancy restaurant
"Hey, Nice Tie''
A man walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a
Grass Eater
A man was riding in the back of his limousine when
Work Policies
In order to assure the highest levels of quality
Taste It
A customer in a restuarant orders a bowl of soup.
Dickens and the Martini
Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini.
Top 10 Ways to Insult The Elderly
1: You tell them that you went to the museum, saw
Sheep Soup
There was a man with a restaurant near a construction
Star Trek: Riker's Death
Why did Riker die in the battle? Picard
Father Murphy's Donkey
Father Murphy was a very poor priest in a very
Yo mama's so stupid... order
Yo mama is so stupid, that when they said, Order
Bar: Guy and a Picture of a Hottie
This guy, about 40, walks into a bar and orders
Bishop And The Ass
A preacher wanted to raise money for his church
Queen & Celibacy
Long time ago, in the land of Persia there lived
The Lady and the Facelift
A 47 year-old lady gets a facelift. It turns out
Arkansas Fried Chicken
What do you get when you order a 'Hillary Clinton'
Two Drunks
One night two drunks were wandering the town trying
Astrological Signs
ARIES (Mar 21-Apr 19) You are the pioneer type
Madonna, Britney and Christina
Due to a mixup on Grammy night, Madonna, Britney
The Firing Squad
A man was scheduled to go before a firing squad
Lunch Anyone?
A little old lady sits at the luncheonette counter
Vampire Beverages
Three vampires walked into a bar. The first one
Good Can of Corn
There were three couples, one elderly, one middle
Dumb Drunk
A guy walks into a bar and he orders a whiskey.
Punny Pun Pun
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but
Guess My Age
A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday.
Hippie and the Nun
One day a Hippie gets onto a bus. He sees a beautiful
The Penguin
A penguin was driving his car down the highway
In the Groove
A hippie saunters into an urban Bar & Grill and
Southerner Moves North
Jan.10 5:00 P.M. It's starting to snow. The
Huntin' License
A man named Jed went hunting near the border of
Sharing An Order
There was an elderly couple that went to McDonald's.
Top 10 Reasons To Live On Prince Edward
1. Even though more people live on Vancouver Island,
Cheap Cat
One day, a man walks into a bar with an ostrich
The Halloween Costume
There once was a man with a bald head and a pegleg
I'm Only Tribute Drinking
A man moves from Ireland to New York City, leaving
The Day After Thanksgiving
It was the day after Thanksgiving and all thru
All I Want Is a Beer!
A man was out of town on business. While sitting
The Three Stars
One day avant-garde violinist Malcolm Goldstein,
Drunk Superhero
Two guys were sitting at a bar on the 40th floor
Culture Shock
Two immigrants arrive in the United States and
Ten Husbands, Still a Virgin
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced
Drunken Man and Blonde
After a really good party a man walks into a bar
Mexican Green, Pink, and Yellow
A White man explaining to a Mexican man says that
Mighty Mouse
Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough
Five Pigs In a Bar
Five pigs were standing outside a bar. The first
The Leper
A man walks into a pub and sits down at a table.
Gassy Broad
Once upon a time there lived a woman in Brampton
It Happened at 40,000 Feet
While cruising at 40,000 feet, the airplane shuddered
Drastic Diet
A fellow was ordered to lose 75 pounds, due to
Consulting Fun
Last week I took some friends out to a restaurant,
A Good Mystery
A mystery-lover takes his place in the theater
The Three Little Pigs
Once upon a time, Three Little Pigs walk into a
Rare Disorder
A man sees a growth coming out from the center
Benefits of Being Female
* We got off the Titanic first. * We can scare
Pasta & Pudendum
A guy walks into a restaurant and orders spaghetti.
Panda Bear
A panda bear walks into a restaurant and orders
Shoulda Quit While...
A man and woman had a son but when he was born
Blonde Kidnapper
A blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise
The Injured Thumb
A man went into a restaurant and ordered his meal.
The Blonde's Special Order
A brunette, a redhead and a blonde went to an ice
Bad Car Day
A police officer pulled over a driver and informed
Computer Gender
Women claim that computers should be referred to
Peeing Leprechaun
A leprechaun and his friend walked into a bar one
Five Surgeons
Five surgeons were taking a coffee break and
Three Strings Walk Into a Bar
There were three strings that walked into the bar.
Things Found Only In America
1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your
Pool Anyone?
Jimmy White walks into a bar and orders a beer,
Octogenarian Barroom Chat
Two old people hit it off at a singles bar. After
Blonde in Natchitoches
Two tourists were traveling through Louisiana.
Laxative Cough Therapy
A man is working at a pharmaceutical store, and
Hungry Monkey
A man and his monkey walk into a bar. The man walks
Dog Day Afternoon
A guy walks into a bar and orders 6 shooters. The
12 Shots
A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and
Why Coffee Is Better Than Women
You don't have to put cream in your coffee to
Cuban Delicacy
A tourist has been visiting Cuba for a week. He
Pork Pie
A man walks into a bar with a pork pie on his head.
Blonde and Pizza
A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if
Murphy's Laws of Combat
* If the enemy is in range, so are you Incoming
Mermaid Sex
This guy went into a bar and ordered a beer. He
Signs You've had Too Much of The '90s
1. Your reason for not staying in touch with family
Sheik That Rooster
A Rolls Royce pulls up in front of a really expensive
If Ever You're Choking...
A woman goes into a restaurant in a small town
Top 10 Ways to Get Rid of Telemarketers
10) Pretend you don't speak English. 9) Say
The Retirement Party
The boss is finally old enough to retire from the
Piss Drunk
One night a man decides to visit his local bar.
Spider Diet
What do spiders like to order at a fast food restaurant?
The Lord Giveth...
When the Lord gave out brains, I thought he said
The Snail and the Dung Beetle
Once, a long, long time ago, in a small village
Beer Goggles
Joe stopped at his favorite watering hole after
You Can't Stop The Voodoo
A businessman was about to go on a long business
Sob Story
When an attractive young girl returned from her
Yes, Mr. Bear
A guy goes out one day, hunting for bear. After
String Theory
A string walks into a bar with a few friends and
Squawks
Squawks are problems left behind by airplane pilots
Blonde at Starbucks
A blonde is working at the local Starbucks. A lady
Respecting the First Lady
George W. Bush walks into a restaurant in Washington
The Pizza
An American businessman goes to Japan on a business
Fly In My Guinness
An Irishman, an Englishman and
Beer Brothers
A man walks into a pub and says, "Give me three
Louisiana Tourist Attraction
Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As
Free Drinks! Free Drinks!
A man in a bar has a couple of beers, and the bartender
Babe-raham Lincoln
An older man wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat
Mexican Restaurant Specialty
A couple go to Mexico City for
What Do You Need So Much Milk for Ma'am?
A milkman was delivering on his round when he came
Christmas in West Virginia
Twas the Night before Christmas, and all through
Mexican Smuggler
Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle.
Little Kid's Books
'You Were an Accident' 'Strangers Have the Best
Joe and Wanda had a small apartment...
Joe and Wanda had a small apartment in the city
Mr. or Mrs. Computer
Is your computer male or female? As you are aware,
Tiger Woods Wouldn't Do That
Tiger Woods A couple were on
You're Not From Around Here, Are Ya?
A guy walks into a bar down in Alabama and orders
Another Weekend At The Home
Willy, a mental patient, mimes driving a car as
The Nuns and The Blind Man
Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent,
Bumper Sticker Sayings
1. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
Eighteen Double Vodkas
A guy walked into a bar one day and said to the
Viagra Worked -- Now Let's Try These...
With Viagra such a hit, Pfizer
True [Stupid] Crime Stories
A Denton, Texas man was arrested for filing a false
Bar... Alabama
This guy walks into a bar down in Alabama and orderes
Yo Mama's So Ugly... Taco Bell
Yo mama's so ugly, she's like Taco Bell. When people
You Know You're From Michigan When...
1) You define summer as three months of bad
Who's the Most Fun to Operate On?
Four surgeons were sitting around discussing
Bar: Cheese Sandwich
A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign hanging
How to Write a College Paper
1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well-lighted
Bar... Monkey
A guy walks in to a bar with his pet monkey. He
Keeping In Under The Kilt
In Scotland, the most important time for a young
Oreo Psycho-Personality Test
Psychologists have discovered
Barbie Turns 40
Yes, it's hard to believe, but
Gravity-Defying Tequila
A guy is sitting at a bar in
Truck Driver & The Bikers
A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for
Mmmmmmmilk
A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine. It
One Chicken, One Road, Many Reasons
Why did the chicken cross the road? KINDERGARTEN
Men vs. Women vs. the Short Story
Remember the book "Men are from Mars, Women are
Flies In The Beer
An Irishman, Englishman and Scotsman go into a
Doctor's Orders
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's
Women's T-shirt Slogans
Next mood swing: 6 minutes I hate everybody, you're next. And your point is.............? I
Why did the chicken cross the road?
BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a CHANGE! The chicken
Kick in the Ass
Katie Couric, Charlie Gibson, Brian Williams and a tough old US Marine Sergeant were captured by
The Senator
While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul
AWOL
A sailor was caught AWOL as he tried to sneak on board his ship at about 3 am. The chief petty officer
Janitor or Millionaire
Closer Than You Think! An unemployed man goes to apply for a job with Microsoft as a janitor. The
Hired Hand
A banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year old rancher, in town. Tom had lost his wife a year
The Irish Virgin
In a tiny village on the Irish coast lived an old lady, a virgin and very proud of it. Sensing that
Perfect Service
A customer walks into a restaurant and notices a large sign on the wall, "$500 IF WE FAIL TO FILL
Being 6 Again
A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied. On
Really Bad Day
It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new
Kittens
Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the
Classy Insults
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." Winston Churchill "A modest
I Wanna Go Home
An Englishman A Scotsman and an Irishman are all setting in a bar in New York discussing about how
The 5 Questions Most Feared By Men
1. What are you thinking about? 2. Do you love me? 3. Do I look fat in this? 4. Do you think
Two Drops
A lady went to the bar on a cruise ship, and ordered a Scotch, with two drops of water. The bartender
Twice in One Day
A priest and a rabbi are walking down the street together, and they both want a drink, but they have
Muscular Man
A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender can't help but stare at the
Indian Winter
It Was Already Late Fall And The Indians On A Remote Reservation In South Dakota Asked Their New Chief
Women
Between the ages of 15-18, a woman is like China or Iran. Developing at a sizzling rate with a lot
Pirate in a Bar
A man was sitting at a bar when he noticed a pirate walk in the front door. The pirate had a peg leg, a
Tourists
Three tourists were driving through Wales. As they were approaching Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch,
Outsource the President?
Congress Votes to Outsource Presidency, Washington, DC (AP) Congress today announced that the office
Did the Chicken Cross the Road?
DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with
A Modern Day Parable
A Japanese company ( Toyota ) and an American company (General Motors decided to have a canoe race
The Dying Man
A priest was preparing a man for his long journey into the night. Whispering firmly, the priest
Ponderisms
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. Garden
Bad Puns...no really!
Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder and made a spectacle of himself? Doctors
Two Pints
Mark and Paul stopped into an English pub for a drink. They called the proprietor over and asked him
First Drink
A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son
Just Like Frank
A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the
A Man and his Ostrich
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders.
Southern Law
Down south, Bubba called his attorney and asked, "Is it true they's suin' them cigarette companies
Alabama Quarter
Hang on to any of the new State of Alabama quarters. If you have them; they may be worth much more
High Birth Rate
A little town in southern Illinois had a sensational birth rate, and scientists decided to visit the
Losing Weight
A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program. The next day, there's a knock
Being Six Again
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife turning back and forth, looking at
Tourist
A tourist from Albegestan goes on his first overseas trip. Upon arriving, he is visibly puzzled filling
Murphy's Technology Laws
You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track. Logic is a systematic method
Ten Husbands
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.On their wedding night, she told
Men Are From Mars
Here's a prime example of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus" offered by an English professor
McDonalds
A German tourist walks into a McDonald's in New York City and orders a beer. (In Germany and many
Classic Affair
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer. "Certainly, Sir , that'll be one
Bill Maher's New Rules
New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people
6 Double Vodkas
A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas." The barman says,
Coincidence
A chicken farmer went into a local tavern and took a seat at the bar next to a woman patron and orders
Axioms
Life isn't like a box of chocolates; it's more like a jar of jalapenos: you never know what's going
A Letter To My Dogs & Cats
Dear Dogs and Cats, The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes
Spanish Lesson
A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated
New Darwin Awards 2005
In case you have been waiting breathlessly for this year's Darwin Awards, here they are. The awards
Everything Is Big In Texas
There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats
Honeymoon Prank
Bill had always been a prankster. As each of his friends were married, Bill made sure some type of
Personal Ads
Mafia leader seeks sleazy woman who can dodge bullets, meet in rat-infested motels, and speak Russian.
Panexa
No matter what you do or where you go, you're always going to be yourself. And Panexa knows this. Your
Christmas Carols for the Psychologically Challenged
1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear? 2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Queens
Cannibal's Restaurant
Three explorers became lost in the jungle and wandered for days with no food and little water... One
Sarcastic Remarks For Work
And your crybaby whinny opinion would be...? This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting. I
Life in Hell
Ole and Sven from International Falls, Minnesota die and wake up in Hell. The devil stops in to check
Teaching Math
Teaching Math in 1950: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5
Beer
After the North American Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The
Logical Science
Researchers released a list of foods and activities to help combat osteoporosis, the dreaded disorder
Best Out of the Office Messages
1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared
Total Eclipse of Communication
From : Managing Director To : Executive Director "Tomorrow morning there will be a total eclipse
An Old Farmer's Advice
* Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong. * Keep skunks and bankers and
Warning! New STD Alert!
The Center for Disease Control has issued a warning about a new virulent strain of Sexually Transmitted
Ostrich
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. As he sits, the waitress comes
Scared Stiff
This happened about a month ago just outside a little town in the bayou country of Louisiana, and
Noah in America
In the year 2005, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said, "Once
Snake Model
Differential Theory of US Armed Forces (Snake Model) upon encountering a snake in the Area of Operations
Dogs with Light Bulbs
How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?" Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day
A Dog's Life
If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise. - Unknown Some days you're the dog; some
High Octane Blonde
A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair
Bear in the Woods
Two guys were walking in the woods one day, and they all of a sudden came across a bear. The bear noticed
Halo Statue
A Mexican man becomes an instant millionaire after winning the lottery. With his newfound wealth,
A Panda in a Bar
A panda walked into a bar. He went up to the bar and said "I'd like a steak and kidney pie and a Coke
Nacho Cheese
A Mexican family crosses the border to the Land of Milk and Honey where the streets are supposed
Karate Chop
There was a little guy sitting at a bar drinking a beer. A while later a huge guy walked into the bar
Notice Of Revocation Of U.S. Independence
To the citizens of the United States of America: In the light of your failure to elect a competent
The Hillbilly and the Game Warden
A hillbilly went hunting one day in Oklahoma and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his
Minister takes a Airplane Flight
A minister was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas. After the plane was airborne, drink orders
Going to War
Written by Phil Maggitti Going to War with the Army that We Want. WASHINGTON, D.C. - President
Christmas Carols for the Psychiatrically Challenge
SCHIZOPHRENIA: Do you Hear What I Hear? MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER: We Three Kings Disoriented
Signs Found In The Kitchen
So this isn't Home Sweet Home ... Adjust! Ring bell for maid service. If no answer, do it yourself! I
The Geography of Women
Between the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild,
Bad Translations From Places Afar
In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the day. During that time we regret that you
New Quarters Recalled
Hang on to any of the new State of Arkansas quarters. If you have them, they may be worth much more
Weight Loss Program
A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program. The next day, there's a
Ice Cream Parlor
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up
Things you would love to say out loud at work....
1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of sh*t . 2. I don't know what your
Long Cold Winter
It was October and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new Chief if the coming winter was
Cave Excavation
A team of American and British archaeologists was excavating in Israel when they came upon a cave.
Crossing the Border
Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border. The Italian Customs Officer stops them
Cultural Differences Explained
Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad. Canadians: Are rather indignant about
Jewelry Store
A white-haired old man walked into a jewelry store on a Friday, with a beautiful young lady at his
Little Head
A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender hands him the beer and says,
Stella Awards
It's time once again to consider the candidates for the annual Stella Awards. The Stella's are named
More Things to Think About
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. Gardening
Three Tough Mice
Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each
Typical Canadian Male Baby
A Canadian is drinking in a New York bar when he gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning
Canadian Quarter Recall
Hang on to any of the new Newfoundland quarters. If you have them, they may be worth much more than
Things To Say When You're Stressed
1. Okay, okay! I take it back. Unf*ck you. 2. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing. 3. Well,
Things That are Difficult to Say When You're Drunk
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK: Indubitably Innovative Preliminary Cinnamon THINGS
Horse's Ass
A man walked into a bar near Lexington, KY and ordered a beer just as former President Clinton appeared
Diner
One day George W. Bush and Dick Cheney walk into a diner. A waitress walks up to them and asks if
Glass Eye
A guy walks into a bar. He sits down at the end of the bar, next to another guy, who was the only
Stop Light!
Two cars were waiting at a stoplight. The light turned green, but the man didn't notice it. A woman
Politicians Who Run Our Country
Here are some observations about the politicians who run our country. They are from a Washington, D.C.travel
A Woman and a Baby
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the
Cajun Logic
A Cajun named Thibideaux went to his doctor to determine the source of his malady. The doctor, After
Virus Warning: Missus
Description Missus manifests as a female humanoid providing cooking/cleaning features, and a sitting-room/TV
NASA
When NASA was preparing for the Apollo Project, it took the astronauts to a Navajo reservation in
Farmer John
Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an
In The Beautiful South Pacific
On a group of beautiful deserted tropical islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people
Blind Man
Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior
Sweet Old Couple Sharing
A little old couple walked slowly into a McDonalds one cold winter evening. They looked out of place
How to Mess with the IRS
(Internal Revenue Service, an agency of the government to whom Americans pay taxes on their salary.) --Always
Canadian Tourism Website
These questions about Canada were posted on an international tourism website and obviously the answers
The Spoon
I took some friends out to dinner last week, and I noticed a spoon in the shirt pocket of our waiter
A Baseball Story
Jose is 17 years old and lives in Mexico. All his life he has wanted to see an American baseball game.
Correct Change Please
A friend and I were standing in line at a fast-food restaurant, waiting to place our order. There
At The Restaurant
A man and a beautiful woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress (taking another
A Hole Problem
The boss ordered one of his men to dig a hole eight feet deep. After the job was completed the boss
Cake
Little Johnny walked into the kitchen, saw his mother making a cake and announced, "I'll be playing
Tough Texans
A brigade of Iraqi soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand
The Surgeons
Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on. The first surgeon says,
Nerd Season
trucker hauling computers and accessories is driving down the highway late one night when he sees
Best Friend
A man was feeling very depressed and walked into a bar and ordered a triple scotch whiskey. As the
Prize Bull
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few
Martini
A fellow came into a bar and ordered a martini. Before drinking it, he removed the olive and carefully
Shirt Pocket
A businessman entered a tavern, sat down at the bar, and ordered a double martini on the rocks. After
Late Doctors Appointment
Doctor: "I see you're over a month late for your appointment. Don't you know that nervous disorders require
Phone Book
Two salesmen were writing up their orders when the conversation came around to last night's big date. "So,
Drinking Problems
A man is waiting for wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born
Taxidermist
This guy walks into a bar down in Alabama and orders a Grape Nehi. Surprised, the bartender looks around
Physical Chemistry Midterm
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry midterm. The answer
The Tourist
A tourist goes into a restaurant in Spain and orders the specialty of the house. When his dinner arrives,
Buying Condoms
A very proper man started going into the neighbourhood pharmacy every week to buy 2 dozen boxes of
Eggs
A farmer in the country noticed that a gentleman would fish at the lake (close to the farmer's house)
Maintenance Complaints
Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual
Bravest Troops
Top brass from the Army, Navy and Marine Corps were arguing about who had the bravest troops. They
The Cowboy
A cowboy walks into a bar in Texas, orders three mugs of beer and sits in the back room, drinking
Mexican Bandit
The story is told of a Mexican bandit who robbed a Texas bank of $250,000 and escaped across the river. A
Best Excuses for Not Going to Work
1.) "If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all
A Kinder, Gentler System
A "Kinder, Gentler System" Sony has announced its own computer operating system now available on
She's SOOOO blonde...
..she sent me a fax with a stamp on it ...she thought a quarterback was a refund ...she tried to
Eating Grass
One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating
The Pharmacist
Dude walks into a pharmacy laughing hysterically, orders 2 condoms, still laughing, pays the pharmacist
Mongolian VD
An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While in China, he is very sexually promiscuous and
Blonde Boater - True Story
Blonde Boater A True Story Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an
Juan the Smuggle
*Juan the Smuggler* Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He has two large bags
Inebriated Lady
A very inebriated lady walked into a bar shortly before closing time, sat at the bar and ordered,
12 Year Old Bottle of Scotch
A man walks into a bar and orders a 12-year-old scotch. The bartender, believing that the customer
Ahh to be six again!
A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied.
Bleeding for Hours
A streetwalker was visiting her doctor for a regular check-up. "Any specific problems you should
The Tongue
A very good looking man walks into a singles bar, gets a drink and has a seat. During the course of
Drinking Buddies
A guy walks into a bar and asks for three beers. The bartender puts them up and then watches the guy
Phone Network Discovery
German scientists dug 50 metres underground and discovered small pieces of copper. After studying these
Blind Man Telling Blonde Joke
A blind man and his guide dog enter a bar and find their way to a barstool. After ordering a drink
Job Test Cheater
Two young engineers applied for a single position at a computer company. They both had the same
Sharing Everything
A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald's. He noticed that they had ordered
Just One More Time
A man walks into a bar with his dog and orders two glasses of whiskey. He proposes a toast and both
Mother's Day
Two children ordered their mother to stay in bed one Mother's Day morning. As she lay there looking
Watch where you Lean
A boy takes his girlfriend back to her home after being out together, and when they reach the front
Orders Up
A young man at his first job as a waiter in a diner has a large trucker sit down at the counter and
Be the Boss
A henpecked husband was advised by a psychiatrist to assert himself. "You don't have to let your wife
Insanity
John and David were both patients in a Mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital
Pianist's Monkey
A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. He sips it and sets it down. A monkey swings across the bar
Out of Towner
A guy walked into a bar in Alabama and ordered a white wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looked
Four Surgeons
Four surgeons were sitting around discussing who they like to operate on. The first surgeon said,
Not Their Day
A policeman pulled a car over and told the driver he had won $5,000 dollars in the seatbelt competition.
Visit to the Doctor
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the
Facelift
A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $ 5,000 and feels really good about the
Jacob and the Lotto
A guy called Jacob finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial
The General
The general was confined to the military hospital for treatment of a minor malady. For almost
The Elevator
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw,
Breakfast Order
A resident in a seaside hotel breakfast room called over the head waiter one morning. "I
The Kind Lawyer
One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating