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Joke
Fun
Comedy
Quote



Jokes

A computer walks into a bar

A computer walks into a bar and sits down to order a drink. The bartender looks over at him and says,

GUARANTEED WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM

A man was ordered by his doctor to lose 75 lbs. due to very serious health risks. As he wondered how

Donuts

A man walks into a hamburger shop and orders a regular meal. Later, the waitress brings his meal to him.He

Natchitoches

Two tourists were traveling through Louisiana. As they approached Natchitoches, they started arguing

Last Bowl

A man goes into a cafe and sits down. A waitress comes to take his order, and he asks her, "What's the

High Birth Rate

A little town had a high birth rate that had attracted the attention of the sociologists at the state

Escapes From Prison

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.He breaks into a house to look for money and

How do you know a guy is a virgin

A very 'straight and honest' girl is going to Town. Before she left, her mother gave her some advice:

Everything is big in Texas

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats

Chick With Long Legs

A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him. As he sits down, the bartender comes over and

Mongolian VD

An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While China, he is very sexually promiscuous and does not

Help Yourself With The Grass

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass

Marriage

How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.The most effective

Monkey

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts

Bud

A girl walks into a bar and asks for a Bud. The bartender gives it to her, she drinks it, and passes

The King & The Sorcerer

A king travels through the desert, when he suddenly discovers a man captured under a big rock, he throws

Legs

A few fraternity brothers needed to fill a science requirement in order to graduate, so they spent weeks

Mexican Border

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He has two large bags over his shoulders. The guard

Five More Yards

In Scotland, the most important time for a young lad is when he "comes of age" and is allowed to purchase

Last Chicken

A man goes to a restaurant and orders a chicken dish. By the time the food is ready and he is about to

Elevator

After gaining a small family inheritance, a redneck family was visiting a mall. The father and son were

Intercom

This boy has just taken his girlfriend back to her home after being out together, and when they reach

Timid Patient

A psychiatrist advised his timid little patient to assert himself. "Don't let your wife bully you. Go

Irish Pub Sausage

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't

Share and Share Alike

An elderly couple walk into a fast food restaurant.

Coffee, No Cream

A man walks into a coffee shop and places his order. "I'd

New Holidays for a New Year

Mark your calendar with the multitude of holidays

Don't Leave 'Em Hanging

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.

Free of Charge

A neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink.

Slick Willy

Bill Clinton, George W. Bush, and Ross Perot are

Blonde Bet

A blonde and a brunette are in a bar. As they order

I Bet You Can't...

A man walks into a bar and orders shots for the

Punchlines With Absolutely No Context

ââ,¬Å"No, no, no!ââ,¬Â said the penguin,

A man went on vacation to Texas...

A man went on vacation to Texas. He went into a

There was a man who loved baked beans...

There was a man who loved baked beans, but they

After Great Britain's Beer Festival...

After Great Britain's Beer Festival, all the brewery

A Scotsman is on holiday in New York City...

A Scotsman is on holiday in New York City. It's

An airline's passenger cabin was being ...

An airline's passenger cabin was being served by

A Brunette a red head and a blonde were in ...

A brunette, a red-head and a blonde were in jail

Two nuns from France were coming to New York...

Two nuns from France were coming to New York.

There was this redneck that walked into a ...

There was this redneck that walked into a bar and

The Bible for Dummies

AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows. BULLETIN:

Celebrity Sayings

Angelina Jolie: I am so in love with my brother

Frenchman Walks into a Bar

A frenchman walks into a bar, smiles at the landlord

The Geography of Men and Women

The Geography of a Woman Between the ages of

The Monkey Goes Where the Wind Blows ...

This week, the Bush administration finally released

The Great Saddam and Bush Debate

Ignoring the fact that George Bush declined Saddam

Trouble

A man walks into a bar. Bartender asks what'll

10 Reasons You Know You Bought a Bad Computer

1. Lower corner of screen has the words "Etch-a-sketch"

3 Please

An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks

A Leprechaun and his Bodily Fluids

One day a man walked in a bar with a box. He sat

Penis Requests a Raise

I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary

Another Dumb Mama Joke

Yo mama so dumb, she tried putting M&Ms in alphabetical

Assembly Required

A gynecologist tired of his profession, and wanting

One hungry Bush...

One day George W. Bush and Dick Cheney walk into

String in the Pants = Clean Hands

A man went to a cafe and ordered some soup. Half

Massively Kewl Knock Knock Jokes!!!

Knock, knock Whoââ,¬â"¢s there? Sorry,

How To Prepare Chicken...

A waiter asks a man, ââ,¬Å"May I take your

New Rules For Employment

SICKNESS AND RELATED LEAVE: We will no longer

Limey Penguin

A penguin walks into a bar and asks for a sandwich

Takeout Small Talk

A man goes to a restaurant, orders some takeout,

Bar Bet

One night a man decides to visit his local bar.

Monkey Balls

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He

Bullfight Buffet

A man goes to Spain and attends a bullfight. Afterwards

The NEW Poopie List!

Years of straining with poopie-ing, we can only

Christmas Songs for Shrinks

Schizophrenia: Do You Hear What I Hear? Multiple

Top 10 Benefits of Being A Woman

Women got off the Titanic first. Women can scare

50 Ways To Annoy Osama bin Laden...

Fifty Ways To Annoy Osama bin Laden If You're Invited

Brunette Jokes

"Oh my god! A brunette walked into a doctor's office

Bar, Guy, Endless Possibilities

A bar walks into a guy. The bar orders a liver,

Yo daddy's so dumb... court

Yo daddy is so dumb that he went to court and

Latino Martial Arts

This small Latino man walks into a bar, sits, and

Planet of the Apes: Secrets Revealed

* Silicon-enhanced chests and lips reveal that

Signs You Picked the Wrong ISP

10. Their company logo: two tin cans and a length

A squad of American soldiers was patrolling...

A squad of American soldiers was patrolling the

Dubya, Obviously Not Jewish

One day George W. went out to dinner with a Jewish

Beer Machismo

After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London,

Hot Babe in Bar

A hot babe goes into a bar and orders a 'sex on

Bush and Cheney Lunch

President Bush and Dick Cheney are having lunch

Special High Intensity Teaching

In order to assure the highest levels of quality

Summer School for Slackers

Fail a class? Drop one too many? Don't worry about

Fun Things to Do at a Drive-Thru

1. Drive through the drive-thru in reverse and

NOAH's ARK - A Modern Tale

And the Lord spoke to Noah: ''In six months I'm

Ned: The Most Popular Man in the World

Bill and Ned walk into a fast food joint one afternoon

Having a Beer With Your Brothers

A man walks into a bar and orders three beers.

Birth Signs

AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18) You have an inventive

Gynecologist Grease Monkey

A gynecologist was getting sick of his job and

Funny Answering Machine Messages

1) The president is not in his/her office at this

Secrets of a Successful Date

Before you leave your house... 1. Put on a little

Best Way of Skipping Out on a Check

Bring a sock puppet with you to the restaurant.

Bar: Horny Wife, Pooped Husband

A man walks into a bar and orders a double, obviously

Comfortable

Two sisters, a blonde and a brunette, inherit the

Fall-Down Drunk

A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering

Rules of the Southern Lifestyle

All good Southerners already know these, but in

All You Can Drink

A man walks into a bar, sits down on a bench and

Bulgy Protrudy Is What They Call Me

This middle-aged guy wakes up one morning and notices

Tea Time

An American cowboy was traveling in England and

How To Be Annoying (A Guide)

* Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people

Hillbilly Newlyweds

A newly married hillbilly couple decided they wanted

Nuns Should Beware San Francisco Buses

One Friday night in San Fransisco, a man hops a

Math Trouble

A little girl was failing math. Her mother enrolled

Hell Freezes Over

Dr. Schambaugh, of the University of Oklahoma School

Mushroom into Bar

A mushroom goes into a bar and sits down to order

Pizza, Pizza

A guy ordered a pizza, and Luigi behind the counter

Jeeves

A wealthy wife and husband were leaving to go to

Hierarchy

From: General Manager To: Departmental

Bar: Alien Poker

An alien walked into a bar and sat down next to

Capon Fear

Why was the chicken afraid of the chicken? Far

Incontinent Leprechaun

One day a man walked in a bar with a box. He sat

Turtle Soup

A waitress walks up to a man to take his order.

Yo mama's so stupid... asphalt

Yo mama's so stupid she thought asphalt was a rectal

Red Ball Express

All drivers for Red Ball Express had orders to

Dirty Jokes and Beer

A woman walks into a bar and orders a drink. A

Big Testicles

A tourist is in Spain, and goes to a fancy restaurant

"Hey, Nice Tie''

A man walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a

Grass Eater

A man was riding in the back of his limousine when

Work Policies

In order to assure the highest levels of quality

Taste It

A customer in a restuarant orders a bowl of soup.

Dickens and the Martini

Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini.

Top 10 Ways to Insult The Elderly

1: You tell them that you went to the museum, saw

Sheep Soup

There was a man with a restaurant near a construction

Star Trek: Riker's Death

Why did Riker die in the battle? Picard

Father Murphy's Donkey

Father Murphy was a very poor priest in a very

Yo mama's so stupid... order

Yo mama is so stupid, that when they said, “Order

Bar: Guy and a Picture of a Hottie

This guy, about 40, walks into a bar and orders

Bishop And The Ass

A preacher wanted to raise money for his church

Queen & Celibacy

Long time ago, in the land of Persia there lived

The Lady and the Facelift

A 47 year-old lady gets a facelift. It turns out

Arkansas Fried Chicken

What do you get when you order a 'Hillary Clinton'

Two Drunks

One night two drunks were wandering the town trying

Astrological Signs

ARIES (Mar 21-Apr 19) You are the pioneer type

Madonna, Britney and Christina

Due to a mixup on Grammy night, Madonna, Britney

The Firing Squad

A man was scheduled to go before a firing squad

Lunch Anyone?

A little old lady sits at the luncheonette counter

Vampire Beverages

Three vampires walked into a bar. The first one

Good Can of Corn

There were three couples, one elderly, one middle

Dumb Drunk

A guy walks into a bar and he orders a whiskey.

Punny Pun Pun

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but

Guess My Age

A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday.

Hippie and the Nun

One day a Hippie gets onto a bus. He sees a beautiful

The Penguin

A penguin was driving his car down the highway

In the Groove

A hippie saunters into an urban Bar & Grill and

Southerner Moves North

Jan.10 5:00 P.M. It's starting to snow. The

Huntin' License

A man named Jed went hunting near the border of

Sharing An Order

There was an elderly couple that went to McDonald's.

Top 10 Reasons To Live On Prince Edward

1. Even though more people live on Vancouver Island,

Cheap Cat

One day, a man walks into a bar with an ostrich

The Halloween Costume

There once was a man with a bald head and a pegleg

I'm Only Tribute Drinking

A man moves from Ireland to New York City, leaving

The Day After Thanksgiving

It was the day after Thanksgiving and all thru

All I Want Is a Beer!

A man was out of town on business. While sitting

The Three Stars

One day avant-garde violinist Malcolm Goldstein,

Drunk Superhero

Two guys were sitting at a bar on the 40th floor

Culture Shock

Two immigrants arrive in the United States and

Ten Husbands, Still a Virgin

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced

Drunken Man and Blonde

After a really good party a man walks into a bar

Mexican Green, Pink, and Yellow

A White man explaining to a Mexican man says that

Mighty Mouse

Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough

Five Pigs In a Bar

Five pigs were standing outside a bar. The first

The Leper

A man walks into a pub and sits down at a table.

Gassy Broad

Once upon a time there lived a woman in Brampton

It Happened at 40,000 Feet

While cruising at 40,000 feet, the airplane shuddered

Drastic Diet

A fellow was ordered to lose 75 pounds, due to

Consulting Fun

Last week I took some friends out to a restaurant,

A Good Mystery

A mystery-lover takes his place in the theater

The Three Little Pigs

Once upon a time, Three Little Pigs walk into a

Rare Disorder

A man sees a growth coming out from the center

Benefits of Being Female

* We got off the Titanic first. * We can scare

Pasta & Pudendum

A guy walks into a restaurant and orders spaghetti.

Panda Bear

A panda bear walks into a restaurant and orders

Shoulda Quit While...

A man and woman had a son but when he was born

Blonde Kidnapper

A blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise

The Injured Thumb

A man went into a restaurant and ordered his meal.

The Blonde's Special Order

A brunette, a redhead and a blonde went to an ice

Bad Car Day

A police officer pulled over a driver and informed

Computer Gender

Women claim that computers should be referred to

Peeing Leprechaun

A leprechaun and his friend walked into a bar one

Five Surgeons

Five surgeons were taking a coffee break and

Three Strings Walk Into a Bar

There were three strings that walked into the bar.

Things Found Only In America

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your

Pool Anyone?

Jimmy White walks into a bar and orders a beer,

Octogenarian Barroom Chat

Two old people hit it off at a singles bar. After

Blonde in Natchitoches

Two tourists were traveling through Louisiana.

Laxative Cough Therapy

A man is working at a pharmaceutical store, and

Hungry Monkey

A man and his monkey walk into a bar. The man walks

Dog Day Afternoon

A guy walks into a bar and orders 6 shooters. The

12 Shots

A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and

Why Coffee Is Better Than Women

You don't have to put cream in your coffee to

Cuban Delicacy

A tourist has been visiting Cuba for a week. He

Pork Pie

A man walks into a bar with a pork pie on his head.

Blonde and Pizza

A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if

Murphy's Laws of Combat

* If the enemy is in range, so are you Incoming

Mermaid Sex

This guy went into a bar and ordered a beer. He

Signs You've had Too Much of The '90s

1. Your reason for not staying in touch with family

Sheik That Rooster

A Rolls Royce pulls up in front of a really expensive

If Ever You're Choking...

A woman goes into a restaurant in a small town

Top 10 Ways to Get Rid of Telemarketers

10) Pretend you don't speak English. 9) Say

The Retirement Party

The boss is finally old enough to retire from the

Piss Drunk

One night a man decides to visit his local bar.

Spider Diet

What do spiders like to order at a fast food restaurant?

The Lord Giveth...

When the Lord gave out brains, I thought he said

The Snail and the Dung Beetle

Once, a long, long time ago, in a small village

Beer Goggles

Joe stopped at his favorite watering hole after

You Can't Stop The Voodoo

A businessman was about to go on a long business

Sob Story

When an attractive young girl returned from her

Yes, Mr. Bear

A guy goes out one day, hunting for bear. After

String Theory

A string walks into a bar with a few friends and

Squawks

Squawks are problems left behind by airplane pilots

Blonde at Starbucks

A blonde is working at the local Starbucks. A lady

Respecting the First Lady

George W. Bush walks into a restaurant in Washington

The Pizza

An American businessman goes to Japan on a business

Fly In My Guinness

    An Irishman, an Englishman and

Beer Brothers

A man walks into a pub and says, "Give me three

Louisiana Tourist Attraction

Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As

Free Drinks! Free Drinks!

A man in a bar has a couple of beers, and the bartender

Babe-raham Lincoln

An older man wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat

Mexican Restaurant Specialty

    A couple go to Mexico City for

What Do You Need So Much Milk for Ma'am?

A milkman was delivering on his round when he came

Christmas in West Virginia

Twas the Night before Christmas, and all through

Mexican Smuggler

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle.

Little Kid's Books

'You Were an Accident' 'Strangers Have the Best

Joe and Wanda had a small apartment...

Joe and Wanda had a small apartment in the city

Mr. or Mrs. Computer

Is your computer male or female? As you are aware,

Tiger Woods Wouldn't Do That

Tiger Woods     A couple were on

You're Not From Around Here, Are Ya?

A guy walks into a bar down in Alabama and orders

Another Weekend At The Home

Willy, a mental patient, mimes driving a car as

The Nuns and The Blind Man

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent,

Bumper Sticker Sayings

1. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

Eighteen Double Vodkas

A guy walked into a bar one day and said to the

Viagra Worked -- Now Let's Try These...

    With Viagra such a hit, Pfizer

True [Stupid] Crime Stories

A Denton, Texas man was arrested for filing a false

Bar... Alabama

This guy walks into a bar down in Alabama and orderes

Yo Mama's So Ugly... Taco Bell

Yo mama's so ugly, she's like Taco Bell. When people

You Know You're From Michigan When...

1) You define summer as three months of bad

Who's the Most Fun to Operate On?

Four surgeons were sitting around discussing

Bar: Cheese Sandwich

A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign hanging

How to Write a College Paper

1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well-lighted

Bar... Monkey

A guy walks in to a bar with his pet monkey. He

Keeping In Under The Kilt

In Scotland, the most important time for a young

Oreo Psycho-Personality Test

    Psychologists have discovered

Barbie Turns 40

    Yes, it's hard to believe, but

Gravity-Defying Tequila

    A guy is sitting at a bar in

Truck Driver & The Bikers

A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for

Mmmmmmmilk

A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine. It

One Chicken, One Road, Many Reasons

Why did the chicken cross the road? KINDERGARTEN

Men vs. Women vs. the Short Story

Remember the book "Men are from Mars, Women are

Flies In The Beer

An Irishman, Englishman and Scotsman go into a

Doctor's Orders

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's

Women's T-shirt Slogans

Next mood swing: 6 minutes I hate everybody, you're next. And your point is.............? I

Why did the chicken cross the road?

BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a CHANGE! The chicken

Kick in the Ass

Katie Couric, Charlie Gibson, Brian Williams and a tough old US Marine Sergeant were captured by

The Senator

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul

AWOL

A sailor was caught AWOL as he tried to sneak on board his ship at about 3 am. The chief petty officer

Janitor or Millionaire

Closer Than You Think! An unemployed man goes to apply for a job with Microsoft as a janitor. The

Hired Hand

A banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year old rancher, in town. Tom had lost his wife a year

The Irish Virgin

In a tiny village on the Irish coast lived an old lady, a virgin and very proud of it. Sensing that

Perfect Service

A customer walks into a restaurant and notices a large sign on the wall, "$500 IF WE FAIL TO FILL

Being 6 Again

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied. On

Really Bad Day

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new

Kittens

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the

Classy Insults

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." Winston Churchill "A modest

I Wanna Go Home

An Englishman A Scotsman and an Irishman are all setting in a bar in New York discussing about how

The 5 Questions Most Feared By Men

1. What are you thinking about? 2. Do you love me? 3. Do I look fat in this? 4. Do you think

Two Drops

A lady went to the bar on a cruise ship, and ordered a Scotch, with two drops of water. The bartender

Twice in One Day

A priest and a rabbi are walking down the street together, and they both want a drink, but they have

Muscular Man

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender can't help but stare at the

Indian Winter

It Was Already Late Fall And The Indians On A Remote Reservation In South Dakota Asked Their New Chief

Women

Between the ages of 15-18, a woman is like China or Iran. Developing at a sizzling rate with a lot

Pirate in a Bar

A man was sitting at a bar when he noticed a pirate walk in the front door. The pirate had a peg leg, a

Tourists

Three tourists were driving through Wales. As they were approaching Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch,

Outsource the President?

Congress Votes to Outsource Presidency, Washington, DC (AP) Congress today announced that the office

Did the Chicken Cross the Road?

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with

A Modern Day Parable

A Japanese company ( Toyota ) and an American company (General Motors decided to have a canoe race

The Dying Man

A priest was preparing a man for his long journey into the night. Whispering firmly, the priest

Ponderisms

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. Garden

Bad Puns...no really!

Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder and made a spectacle of himself? Doctors

Two Pints

Mark and Paul stopped into an English pub for a drink. They called the proprietor over and asked him

First Drink

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son

Just Like Frank

A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the

A Man and his Ostrich

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders.

Southern Law

Down south, Bubba called his attorney and asked, "Is it true they's suin' them cigarette companies

Alabama Quarter

Hang on to any of the new State of Alabama quarters. If you have them; they may be worth much more

High Birth Rate

A little town in southern Illinois had a sensational birth rate, and scientists decided to visit the

Losing Weight

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program. The next day, there's a knock

Being Six Again

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife turning back and forth, looking at

Tourist

A tourist from Albegestan goes on his first overseas trip. Upon arriving, he is visibly puzzled filling

Murphy's Technology Laws

You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track. Logic is a systematic method

Ten Husbands

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.On their wedding night, she told

Men Are From Mars

Here's a prime example of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus" offered by an English professor

McDonalds

A German tourist walks into a McDonald's in New York City and orders a beer. (In Germany and many

Classic Affair

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer. "Certainly, Sir , that'll be one

Bill Maher's New Rules

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people

6 Double Vodkas

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas." The barman says,

Coincidence

A chicken farmer went into a local tavern and took a seat at the bar next to a woman patron and orders

Axioms

Life isn't like a box of chocolates; it's more like a jar of jalapenos: you never know what's going

A Letter To My Dogs & Cats

Dear Dogs and Cats, The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes

Spanish Lesson

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated

New Darwin Awards 2005

In case you have been waiting breathlessly for this year's Darwin Awards, here they are. The awards

Everything Is Big In Texas

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats

Honeymoon Prank

Bill had always been a prankster. As each of his friends were married, Bill made sure some type of

Personal Ads

Mafia leader seeks sleazy woman who can dodge bullets, meet in rat-infested motels, and speak Russian.

Panexa

No matter what you do or where you go, you're always going to be yourself. And Panexa knows this. Your

Christmas Carols for the Psychologically Challenged

1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear? 2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Queens

Cannibal's Restaurant

Three explorers became lost in the jungle and wandered for days with no food and little water... One

Sarcastic Remarks For Work

And your crybaby whinny opinion would be...? This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting. I

Life in Hell

Ole and Sven from International Falls, Minnesota die and wake up in Hell. The devil stops in to check

Teaching Math

Teaching Math in 1950: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5

Beer

After the North American Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The

Logical Science

Researchers released a list of foods and activities to help combat osteoporosis, the dreaded disorder

Best Out of the Office Messages

1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared

Total Eclipse of Communication

From : Managing Director To : Executive Director "Tomorrow morning there will be a total eclipse

An Old Farmer's Advice

* Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong. * Keep skunks and bankers and

Warning! New STD Alert!

The Center for Disease Control has issued a warning about a new virulent strain of Sexually Transmitted

Ostrich

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. As he sits, the waitress comes

Scared Stiff

This happened about a month ago just outside a little town in the bayou country of Louisiana, and

Noah in America

In the year 2005, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said, "Once

Snake Model

Differential Theory of US Armed Forces (Snake Model) upon encountering a snake in the Area of Operations

Dogs with Light Bulbs

How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?" Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day

A Dog's Life

If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise. - Unknown Some days you're the dog; some

High Octane Blonde

A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair

Bear in the Woods

Two guys were walking in the woods one day, and they all of a sudden came across a bear. The bear noticed

Halo Statue

A Mexican man becomes an instant millionaire after winning the lottery. With his newfound wealth,

A Panda in a Bar

A panda walked into a bar. He went up to the bar and said "I'd like a steak and kidney pie and a Coke

Nacho Cheese

A Mexican family crosses the border to the Land of Milk and Honey where the streets are supposed

Karate Chop

There was a little guy sitting at a bar drinking a beer. A while later a huge guy walked into the bar

Notice Of Revocation Of U.S. Independence

To the citizens of the United States of America: In the light of your failure to elect a competent

The Hillbilly and the Game Warden

A hillbilly went hunting one day in Oklahoma and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his

Minister takes a Airplane Flight

A minister was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas. After the plane was airborne, drink orders

Going to War

Written by Phil Maggitti Going to War with the Army that We Want. WASHINGTON, D.C. - President

Christmas Carols for the Psychiatrically Challenge

SCHIZOPHRENIA: Do you Hear What I Hear? MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER: We Three Kings Disoriented

Signs Found In The Kitchen

So this isn't Home Sweet Home ... Adjust! Ring bell for maid service. If no answer, do it yourself! I

The Geography of Women

Between the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild,

Bad Translations From Places Afar

In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the day. During that time we regret that you

New Quarters Recalled

Hang on to any of the new State of Arkansas quarters. If you have them, they may be worth much more

Weight Loss Program

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program. The next day, there's a

Ice Cream Parlor

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up

Things you would love to say out loud at work....

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of sh*t . 2. I don't know what your

Long Cold Winter

It was October and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new Chief if the coming winter was

Cave Excavation

A team of American and British archaeologists was excavating in Israel when they came upon a cave.

Crossing the Border

Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border. The Italian Customs Officer stops them

Cultural Differences Explained

Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad. Canadians: Are rather indignant about

Jewelry Store

A white-haired old man walked into a jewelry store on a Friday, with a beautiful young lady at his

Little Head

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender hands him the beer and says,

Stella Awards

It's time once again to consider the candidates for the annual Stella Awards. The Stella's are named

More Things to Think About

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. Gardening

Three Tough Mice

Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each

Typical Canadian Male Baby

A Canadian is drinking in a New York bar when he gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning

Canadian Quarter Recall

Hang on to any of the new Newfoundland quarters. If you have them, they may be worth much more than

Things To Say When You're Stressed

1. Okay, okay! I take it back. Unf*ck you. 2. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing. 3. Well,

Things That are Difficult to Say When You're Drunk

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK: Indubitably Innovative Preliminary Cinnamon THINGS

Horse's Ass

A man walked into a bar near Lexington, KY and ordered a beer just as former President Clinton appeared

Diner

One day George W. Bush and Dick Cheney walk into a diner. A waitress walks up to them and asks if

Glass Eye

A guy walks into a bar. He sits down at the end of the bar, next to another guy, who was the only

Stop Light!

Two cars were waiting at a stoplight. The light turned green, but the man didn't notice it. A woman

Politicians Who Run Our Country

Here are some observations about the politicians who run our country. They are from a Washington, D.C.travel

A Woman and a Baby

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the

Cajun Logic

A Cajun named Thibideaux went to his doctor to determine the source of his malady. The doctor, After

Virus Warning: Missus

Description Missus manifests as a female humanoid providing cooking/cleaning features, and a sitting-room/TV

NASA

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo Project, it took the astronauts to a Navajo reservation in

Farmer John

Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an

In The Beautiful South Pacific

On a group of beautiful deserted tropical islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people

Blind Man

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior

Sweet Old Couple Sharing

A little old couple walked slowly into a McDonalds one cold winter evening. They looked out of place

How to Mess with the IRS

(Internal Revenue Service, an agency of the government to whom Americans pay taxes on their salary.) --Always

Canadian Tourism Website

These questions about Canada were posted on an international tourism website and obviously the answers

The Spoon

I took some friends out to dinner last week, and I noticed a spoon in the shirt pocket of our waiter

A Baseball Story

Jose is 17 years old and lives in Mexico. All his life he has wanted to see an American baseball game.

Correct Change Please

A friend and I were standing in line at a fast-food restaurant, waiting to place our order. There

At The Restaurant

A man and a beautiful woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress (taking another

A Hole Problem

The boss ordered one of his men to dig a hole eight feet deep. After the job was completed the boss

Cake

Little Johnny walked into the kitchen, saw his mother making a cake and announced, "I'll be playing

Tough Texans

A brigade of Iraqi soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand

The Surgeons

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on. The first surgeon says,

Nerd Season

trucker hauling computers and accessories is driving down the highway late one night when he sees

Best Friend

A man was feeling very depressed and walked into a bar and ordered a triple scotch whiskey. As the

Prize Bull

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few

Martini

A fellow came into a bar and ordered a martini. Before drinking it, he removed the olive and carefully

Shirt Pocket

A businessman entered a tavern, sat down at the bar, and ordered a double martini on the rocks. After

Late Doctors Appointment

Doctor: "I see you're over a month late for your appointment. Don't you know that nervous disorders require

Phone Book

Two salesmen were writing up their orders when the conversation came around to last night's big date. "So,

Drinking Problems

A man is waiting for wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born

Taxidermist

This guy walks into a bar down in Alabama and orders a Grape Nehi. Surprised, the bartender looks around

Physical Chemistry Midterm

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry midterm. The answer

The Tourist

A tourist goes into a restaurant in Spain and orders the specialty of the house. When his dinner arrives,

Buying Condoms

A very proper man started going into the neighbourhood pharmacy every week to buy 2 dozen boxes of

Eggs

A farmer in the country noticed that a gentleman would fish at the lake (close to the farmer's house)

Maintenance Complaints

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual

Bravest Troops

Top brass from the Army, Navy and Marine Corps were arguing about who had the bravest troops. They

The Cowboy

A cowboy walks into a bar in Texas, orders three mugs of beer and sits in the back room, drinking

Mexican Bandit

The story is told of a Mexican bandit who robbed a Texas bank of $250,000 and escaped across the river. A

Best Excuses for Not Going to Work

1.) "If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all

A Kinder, Gentler System

A "Kinder, Gentler System" Sony has announced its own computer operating system now available on

She's SOOOO blonde...

..she sent me a fax with a stamp on it ...she thought a quarterback was a refund ...she tried to

Eating Grass

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating

The Pharmacist

Dude walks into a pharmacy laughing hysterically, orders 2 condoms, still laughing, pays the pharmacist

Mongolian VD

An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While in China, he is very sexually promiscuous and

Blonde Boater - True Story

Blonde Boater A True Story Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an

Juan the Smuggle

*Juan the Smuggler* Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He has two large bags

Inebriated Lady

A very inebriated lady walked into a bar shortly before closing time, sat at the bar and ordered,

12 Year Old Bottle of Scotch

A man walks into a bar and orders a 12-year-old scotch. The bartender, believing that the customer

Ahh to be six again!

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied.

Bleeding for Hours

A streetwalker was visiting her doctor for a regular check-up. "Any specific problems you should

The Tongue

A very good looking man walks into a singles bar, gets a drink and has a seat. During the course of

Drinking Buddies

A guy walks into a bar and asks for three beers. The bartender puts them up and then watches the guy

Phone Network Discovery

German scientists dug 50 metres underground and discovered small pieces of copper. After studying these

Blind Man Telling Blonde Joke

A blind man and his guide dog enter a bar and find their way to a barstool. After ordering a drink

Job Test Cheater

Two young engineers applied for a single position at a computer company. They both had the same

Sharing Everything

A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald's. He noticed that they had ordered

Just One More Time

A man walks into a bar with his dog and orders two glasses of whiskey. He proposes a toast and both

Mother's Day

Two children ordered their mother to stay in bed one Mother's Day morning. As she lay there looking

Watch where you Lean

A boy takes his girlfriend back to her home after being out together, and when they reach the front

Orders Up

A young man at his first job as a waiter in a diner has a large trucker sit down at the counter and

Be the Boss

A henpecked husband was advised by a psychiatrist to assert himself. "You don't have to let your wife

Insanity

John and David were both patients in a Mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital

Pianist's Monkey

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. He sips it and sets it down. A monkey swings across the bar

Out of Towner

A guy walked into a bar in Alabama and ordered a white wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looked

Four Surgeons

Four surgeons were sitting around discussing who they like to operate on. The first surgeon said,

Not Their Day

A policeman pulled a car over and told the driver he had won $5,000 dollars in the seatbelt competition.

Visit to the Doctor

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the

Facelift

A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $ 5,000 and feels really good about the

Jacob and the Lotto

A guy called Jacob finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial

The General

The general was confined to the military hospital for treatment of a minor malady. For almost

The Elevator

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw,

Breakfast Order

A resident in a seaside hotel breakfast room called over the head waiter one morning. "I

The Kind Lawyer

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating