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Warning on a curling iron: Do Not Insert Curling Iron Into Any Bodily Orifice... My bathroom has inadequate

Enough with the Poking, Lets Just Have Sex He pokes her, she pokes him, they poke each other back

1. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue. 2. Press any key to continue or any other key to

Last year, my friend upgraded his GirlFriend 3.1 to GirlFriendPlus1.0 (marketing name: Fiancee1.0). Recently

A computer science student is studying under a tree and another pulls up on a flashy new bike. The first

The young man said to his sweetheart,"We're going to have a great time tonight. I have three theater

There was this construction worker on the 3rd floor of this unfinished building. He needed a hand saw,

A man was ordered by his doctor to lose 75 lbs. due to very serious health risks. As he wondered how

Most people hate to parallel park. The other day, I saw this woman trying to get out of a tight parking

A father, passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything

A man walks into a bank,yells at the old lady at the teller window, he needs to open a "fuckin bank account".

This story occurred on Melbourne radio. One of the stations has a competition where they ring someone

The big-game hunter walked into the bar and bragged to everyone about his skills as a hunter. The man

A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender "Gimme a triple!"So the bartender pours him up a triple

The man came home drunk at four in the morning, and his wife was all over him, yelling at him, crying

One day, a girl walked up to her mother and looked at her mother's hair and sadly said: "Why is some

A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away.She protested, "But we don't

A lawyer returns to his parked BMW to find the headlights broken and considerable damage. There's no

A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions

This one is long but well worth reading!In case your frustration level rises today, this is for everyone

Two Indians and a West Virginia Hillbilly were walking in the woods. All of a sudden, one of the Indians

A man with a 20-inch penis went to his doctor to complain that he was unable to get any women to have

Little Johnny greeted his mother at the door after she had been out of town all week and said, "Mommy,

A man decided to buy a new telescope for his rifle. He goes to a rifle shop, and asks the clerk to show

There was girl who was a prostitute, but her grandmother didn't know about her occupation.One day, the

There was this case in the hospital's Intensive Care ward where patients always died in the same bed

One day, a young cowboy and a cowgirl decided to get married. He was a man of the world and she was an

A blond man showed up at work one day with a black eye. When his co-workers saw him they asked him what

A little girl accidentally walks in on her father while he's getting dressed. She points to his dick

A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things to be self-sufficient

A very 'straight and honest' girl is going to Town. Before she left, her mother gave her some advice:

When a woman is 18, she is a football - 22 men going after her.When she is 28, she is a hockey ball -

Four friends reunited at a party after 30 years. After a few laughs and drinks, one of them had to go

A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him. As he sits down, the bartender comes over and

There was this little boy about 12 years old walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a

A typical macho man married a typical good-looking lady.After the wedding, he laid down the following

Bill Clinton is visiting a school. In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example

Three guys died and went to heaven. St Paul was there looking down at the three of them, one is a reknowned

A man is out in the Chinese wilderness and he's hopelessly lost. It's been nearly three weeks since he's

A young man called John died and he went to Heaven to begin his afterlife journey. However, he was stopped

A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady forty miles per hour. The wife is behind the

AUDI:Another Ugly Deutsche InventionBMW:Bought My WifeBrings Me WomenBrings More Women butBroke My WalletCHEVROLET:Can

The bank robbers had tied and gagged the bank cahier after learning the combination to the safe and had

A middle-aged woman has a heart attack and is sent to a hospital. While on the operating table, she

A man is out drinking with his buddies one night and suddenly realizes he has stayed out too late and

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single

TO: All employeesFROM: The bossDATE: August 3, 2000RE: Foul LanguageIt has been brought to management's

A man had been driving all night and by morning was still far from his destination. He decided to stop

A telephone rang, and someone picked it up.A voice from the other side said, "Is your number 444 444

Maria had just got married and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding

The other day, my friends and I went to a "Ladies Night Club."One of the girls wanted to impress the

Two men with babies bump into each other at the mall- I am very sorry about that, I didn't see you I

At school, a boy was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that

A very large, old, building was being torn down in Chicago to make room for a new skyscraper. Due to

An old man and his young wife were getting divorce at a local court. But the custody of children posed

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party.She got a terrible headache and told her husband

A Husband and Wife go to the hospital to deliver their child. The doctor meets them and tells them that

How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.The most effective

An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action

An elderly couple were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary, so they decided to return to the little

This couple goes to an agricultural show way out in the countryside a fine Sunday afternoon, & are watching

There's a guy sitting inside a bar, just staring at his drink for about a half-hour. Then, this big truck

Farmer Joe was suing a trucking company for injuries sustained in an accident. In court, the company's

A man with a bad stomach complaint goes to his local doctor and asks him what he can do. The doctor replies

A man suspected his wife of seeing another man. So, he hired a famous Chinese detective, Mee Lookee Yu,

A lady approaches her priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots,

A little girl was asked what she wanted most for her birthday and she declared: "A baby brother.""Daddy

Three men stand before St. Peter awaiting admission into Heaven. However, St. Peter has been informed

Once there was this doctor that moved out to the country to become a farmer. He said to himself, "Well,

A man was on trial for selling drugs, and a neighbor was called as a witness. ,The defense attorney asked,

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, then catch them

A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car

There was once a Scotsman and an Englishman who lived next door to each other. The Scotsman owned a hen

A few fraternity brothers needed to fill a science requirement in order to graduate, so they spent weeks

Little Johnny was a young boy, just potty trained. When he went to the bathroom though, he hit everything

At school, Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret,

A Chinese man arranged for a hooker to come to his room for the evening. Once in the room they undressed,

TEACHER: Why are you late?WEBSTER: Because of the sign.TEACHER: What sign?WEBSTER: The one that says,

A Texan, a Californian, and Oregonian are out riding horses. The Texan pulls out an expensive bottle

A shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected

Little John was playing with his airplane in the back yard and his mother was in the kitchen washing

A man goes to a restaurant and orders a chicken dish. By the time the food is ready and he is about to

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of

This is really embarrassing for the mother, do read on.This is a Singapore story (supposedly)... Hilarious!

There's this guy who's in the market for a used motorcycle. Always wanted a nice big hog. So he's shopping

RelationshipsWhen a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and

Three co-workers are bored during their lunch break, so they decide to go to the roof of their building

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit

A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a bottle laying in the street. Suddenly out

Two Norwegian men were driving near Mt. Horab, a Norwegian community in Wisconsin, when they noticed

Some time ago, there was this artist, who worked from a studio in his home. He specialized in nudes,

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't

An elderly couple walk into a fast food restaurant.

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari

Mark your calendar with the multitude of holidays

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.

Mrs. Bacciagalupe comes to visit her son Anthony

A 65-year-old woman gave birth to a baby boy. When

An Irish daughter had not been home for over five

One night, George W. Bush is tossing restlessly

There was this case in the hospital's Intensive

Two eggs are in a frying pan and one says ââ,¬Å"Man

1. How many trarlokks does it take to trokkclap

What's the real punishment for bigamy? More than

Two atoms are walking down the road and one exclaims,

What do you call twelve naked guys sitting on each

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.

A big-city California lawyer went duck hunting

A very flat-chested woman finally decided she needed

One day, a priest decides to take a walk to the

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After

Here are the top nine comments made by sports commentators

Here's a dilemma... With all your honor and dignity,

George W. Bush is visiting a primary school and

"If we don't change the direction we're going,

One night, George W. Bush is tossing restlessly

Here's a dilemma for you... With all your honor

Three Texas plastic surgeons were playing golf

Saddam Hussein and President George W. Bush meet

A guy dies and goes to heaven. His tour guide starts

Bush's mother prayed fervently that GW would grow

Three Texas plastic surgeons were playing golf

A little boy came down to breakfast. Since he lived

Two lawyers are leaving the office. ââ,¬Å"I

A woman visiting her doctorââ,¬â"¢s office

A woman goes to see a psychiatrist. ââ,¬Å"Doctor,ââ,¬Â

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all

A driver was pulled over by a police officer for

Q: What did one chair say to another chair? A:

Two guys are picked up by cops for drugs and are

Two sperm are swimming in a women's body.One sperm

An old man and a old woman met at an retirement

Little Johnny was in class when the teacher asked,

Two lions are walking along the beach. One turns

A blonde, a brunette, and a red head are swimming

Q: What did the DNA say to the other DNA? A: Do

Two cowboys walk into a roadhouse to wash the trail

A man was walking through the forest, when he suddenly

Q: What did the saggy breast say to the other saggy

Q: What did the prositutes knee say to the other? A:

Two blondes meet in Heaven. "How did you die?",

Two blondes and a brunette fell off a cliff, handing

While the teacher was conducting her class, Little

The Principal of an elementary school went into

A Canadian, an American and a China man are stranded

A man walks into a bar and orders shots for the

A manager walks into his office and sees a blonde

Two men are sitting around drinking. One guys says

A blonde and a lawyer sit next to each other on

1. Gain weight. At least 30 pounds. 2. Stop exercising.

What did the mother turkey say to her disobedient

A blonde, a red head, and a brunette were walking

Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving

On Irish radio there is a guy called Larry Gogan

RANDOM AND CHEAP MARTHA STEWART JOKES What is

ââ,¬Å"No, no, no!ââ,¬Â said the penguin,

A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was

Cindy Lou Edleman Performs Quality Sexual Favors

One day, a policeman walked by and saw a drunk

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple''s

A blonde was out on a date. Her date said you

A Norwegian took a trip to Fargo, North Dakota.

A British doctor, a German doctor and an American

A woman and a baby were in the doctorââ,¬â"¢s

A woman arrives at the Pearly Gates and finds St.

Two bats are going for their midnight feed. After

There were two blondes at the park. One says,

A tourist walks into a curio shop and sees a life-like

Yo mama is so poor, I saw her walking down the

One day in the middle of the desert a man's car

1. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead

A man has six children and is very proud of his

A bear was chasing a little rabbit. "Stop running

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop. Right away they

A blonde goes into a music store and asks the guy

An Amish woman and her son are walking through

There was a man who loved baked beans, but they

After Great Britain's Beer Festival, all the brewery

There was a young girl who loved to wear skirts

The pope and a lawyer are on the elevator to heaven.

After dying a grisly death in an Afghan cave, Osama

Three men were in a sauna. An Italian, a German,

A little boy and a little girl were taking a bath.

A blonde rings up an airline. She asks, "How

Two hedgehogs are in the middle of the road and

How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb? ââ,¬Å"Such

Two nuns from France were coming to New York.

Once there was a man who was peacefully driving

Saddam Hussein was sitting down wondering who to

Saddam Hussein & his chauffeur were driving down

A smart blonde, a stupid blonde and Santa Claus

Saddam Hussein and George Bush are seated next

There was this redneck that walked into a bar and

At a club, 50 Cent, Britney Spears, and JLO are

There were two bums walkin down a road. They both

There was an old couple sitting at a table. The

A blonde was headed to Detroit. She got on the

One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob, "If

Yo mama so dumb she climbed a glass wall to see

EXCITABLE : Shorts half twisted around, cannot

Angelina Jolie: I am so in love with my brother

1. If being chased through town, you can usually

* When speaking fast you can make yourself sound

What do you call a Frenchman with a sheep under

This week, the Bush administration finally released

Ignoring the fact that George Bush declined Saddam

A secretary for a foreign embassy was entertaining

A Michigan man was having coffee and croissants

Two gorgeous blonde biologists were in the field

Three engineers were in the bathroom standing at

A man hated his wife's cat and he decided to get

A priest and pastor from the local parishes are

There was a competition to cross the English channel

At a high school an English teacher is busy with

A blonde began a job as an elementary school counselor

The golf course was haunted by a malicious, evil

There once was a lowly snail, who was busily crawling

A Drunken Night A guy wakes up in a drunken stupor,

An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks

One day a man walked in a bar with a box. He sat

One day Saddam Hussein was walking in the desert

Little girl: "Why does your son say, 'Cluck, cluck,

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods,

What a woman says, what she really means... I

Eddie went shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally

I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother started

Two cows were talking in the field. One cow says,

A very religious man lived right next door to an

A woman and a man got into a really bad car accident.

A blond was driving along a country road, listening

Two men were hunting in the woods when, all of

There was a 40 year old man called Ian, and he

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her

1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon

Once a blonde went to the library to get a book.

Traditional Capitalism: You have two cows. You

A kid goes to his dad and asks, "Dad, what are

Once there were two farmers. One had a daughter

Dear Tech Support: Last year I upgraded from

A guy goes to his eye doctor for an examination.

One day a little boy asks his mom questions about

1. Britney Spears & Eminem Who, combined, have

"I believe Men and Fish can coexist together peacfully." "I

P. Diddy, Britney Spears, and Eminem all die and

A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when

Two sausages were frying in a frying pan. One says

Whats another name for a push-up bra? False advertisement.

One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, "Please

A man went to a cafe and ordered some soup. Half

There was a blonde, a brunette, and a red head.

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all

Knock, knock Whoââ,¬â"¢s there? Sorry,

Not to cuss. Not to cohabitate. Not to use that

A man and a woman are driving down the same road

Buy me a beer if you want the story told Of why

Season's Beatings There's gotta be a better way

I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I

My genitals are so gigantic, and yours so woefully

Two hobbits walk into a bar where one of them picks

Two goldfish were in their tank. One turns to

1. ââ,¬Å"If my heart were a baked potato,

A manager at a General Store is teaching a young,

Two condoms are walking down a street in San Francisco

But everybody looks funny naked! You woke me

A man goes to a restaurant, orders some takeout,

One night a man decides to visit his local bar.

A man is sitting in a pub, when a guy with an incredibly

A young mother was having a consultation with a

In a city park stood two statues, one female and

A guy was taking a new bus route for the first

On the first day of school in Houston, a teacher

"There are only two reasons to sit in the back

Little Johnny asks, "Mommy, where do babies come

A husband and wife, out enjoying a round of golf,

10. Keep your back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder

Feudalism: You have two cows. Your lord takes some

Years of straining with poopie-ing, we can only

A modern Orthodox Jewish couple, preparing for

Little David comes home from first grade and tells

At a nursing home in Florida, a group of senior

What did one fat chick say to the other? Who cares,

Oil Change instructions for Women: Pull up to

A man was nervously pacing around the waiting room

A man had a terrible passion for baked beans, but

An English professor told her students that there

At a remote monastery deep in the woods, the monks

I hate aspects of this time of year. Not for its

What did Osama name his last daughter? Camela

The Keith Richards: Smoked lungfish on a toasted

Remake of "Roots" starring Michael Jackson Performance

Little Johnny was in class and the teacher announced

George W. Bush and Osama bin Laden are having a

"Mommy, mommy! What a pretty dress!" "Shut-up.

How does one human embryo talk to another human

I think Santa Claus is a woman... I hate to be

If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company,

1) Pretend to be one of the Bush family. Doesn't

(tip: don't try these if you're not willing to

1. I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no

What's the difference between F.Lee Bailey and

Q. How do you annoy your girlfriend during sex? A.

I saw your dad walking down the street the other

Doctor Dave slept with one of his patients and

1. Hijack wheelchairs and speed around the hallways.

A GOOD ONE... enjoy. There was this case in the

Two guys were working at a sawmill one day when

Gary Condit is found dead with a smile on his face.

A retired US Marine was looking for a new job.

A ship of Marines is sailing along one day when

A army doctor walked into a room to check on his

A blonde is driving along a deserted country road

This small Latino man walks into a bar, sits, and

What's grosser than gross? Kissing your grandmother

What's grosser than gross? You eat a bowl of cornflakes

What's grosser than gross? Giving your grandmother

What's grosser than gross? When you are dreaming

Bush and Cheney went hunting, killed a giant buck,

How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far

A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with

A young man was walking through a supermarket to

Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look

What did one computer say to the other? 010101101010101010101

10. Their company logo: two tin cans and a length

Britney Spears and Christina Aguliera were building

"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired." "The

Three women are discussing their teenage daughters.

A squad of American soldiers was patrolling the

"It was too bad I wasn't a second baseman; then

President Dubya was awakened one night by an urgent

Two delicate blossoms of Southern femininity, one

10) My fellow Americans, I have been lying to you

A guy about to tee off was approached by a man

Way back in '97 I wondered why those bands like

A blonde buys two horses and she can't tell them

A woman was visiting an Indian reservation one

A man was having an affair with a married woman.

Fred and his brother, "Donkey" walk into a pub

Mary Lou, the blonde, was out playing in the garden

One day George W. went out to dinner with a Jewish

Once a madman said, "Do you know there is a war

An Alabama man turned 18 and went to a local house

Whether the cause is a previous night of drinking

frederick the slimy cock was sucking penis when

I. Know that although the cat has the advantage

Cinderella was having her period and couldn't go

10) You have to explain to most foreigners that

A few clues to being a true Louisianan: 1. Your

A member of the United States Senate, known for

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." ...George

"Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise

Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar.

At one point during a game, the coach said to one

POST GAME DISCUSSION Two Rams fans were standing

A Giants fan is in Baltimore for the weekend and

During the Super Bowl, there was another football

G. W. Bush was very depressed that people were

A Japanese man was boasting about how his country

--That comment about Elton being "twice the woman"

One sportsman goes up to a non-athletic man and

One day two kids were wandering around near a stream.

Bush and Gore went fishing. Gore went on one side

Men, please read this if you go to bars or clubs: Guys,

A stoner walks into a gas station and asks the

A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and

In order to assure the highest levels of quality

SEX CONTRACT I, _______________________, hereby

Advantages 1. It can get really weird 2. Someone

The way this game works is every time the word

OBJECTIVE To sit in a cubicle and stare at a monitor

Jesus was worried about the drug epidemic plaguing

Possible Courses: ESSENTIALS OF BONG DESIGN: Discover

Two fraternity brothers decide to go sailing one

Two blondes are shopping at the mall. When they

A woman went to her priest with a problem. "Father,

A kid walks into a lunchroom at school and sees

On the seventh day, God said, "Let there be football."

One day, on a notice board, a message was written:

1. Drive through the drive-thru in reverse and

There's a fire at the whorehouse -- some come out

A Fairy Tale for the Woman of the New Millennium:Once

And the Lord spoke to Noah: ''In six months I'm

How can you tell if a West Virginia girl is a virgin?

A mother goes to visit her daughter. She walks

There once was this group of strange beings called

There were these three guys at a football game

A young schoolboy was having a hard time pronouncing

Herman and his brother, Trevor live on a farm in

These are excuse notes from parents (with their

Little Johnny was walking down the hallway at school.

10) You married your cousin's brother's wife 9)

You might be a redneck Jedi if you say, "Luke I

One day a blonde and a redhead were playing together

While walking home from work one day, Frank saw

A couple had been married for a long time, but

A man walks into a bar and orders three beers.

Two twin brother, virgin midgets decide to get

Q. What did saggy boob say to the other saggy

On a beautiful deserted island in the middle of

Two guys are at the doctor's office, each has got

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the

Taoism: Shit happens. Buddhism: If shit happens,

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby

AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18) You have an inventive

A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup.

A private was serving duties at his barracks in

A man was walking down the beach when he found

The was a man who had four kids, all gorgeous,

God, Jesus and John the Baptist are playing golf

1) The president is not in his/her office at this

Late one Friday in Dublin, a policeman spotted

The preacher stood before the congregation. ''Brothers

There was a 80 year-old man that married a 21 year-old

What's the difference between your mother and a

Two women, one from the north and one from the

Before you leave your house... 1. Put on a little

Three guys begin work at a toothbrush company as

Paddy 'n' Mick join the army, and are put on street

The finals of the National Poetry Contest last

Two nuns are at a traffic light, when a man starts

A Scottish wife, an English wife, and an Irish

Johnny comes back from school crying and says,

A traveling salesman approached an old farmhouse

The St. Louis Symphony was playing Beethoven's

Two sisters, a blonde and a brunette, inherit the

A girl was going on her first date and her grandmother

Q. What is another word for lesbian? A. Vagi-terian

Never trust a dog to watch your food. - Patrick,

It was Saturday morning and Jake, an avid hunter,

All good Southerners already know these, but in

A man walks into a bar, sits down on a bench and

Three hillbillies are sitting on a porch. One says,

There was a man who owned a giant gorilla and he'd

This middle-aged guy wakes up one morning and notices

Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked

Four guys went golfing; one went in the clubhouse

One day three men were walking along and came upon

The king of a small African nation had an elegant

A man jumps off a building at the same time that

One day, the Mayor of Whatsville came to Little

What's the difference between a saloon and an elephant

Two guys are sitting next to each other on an airplane. "The

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead team were sent

If a farmer was only able to choose between buying

A blonde dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates,

Two whales are swimming along one day, bored. One

* Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people

A wealthy business man and his wife are looking

A new contract for Santa has finally been negotiated.

Two aliens land their plasmic cosmo craft in Jack

Three guys are in a doctor's office. One is a drunk,

On a rainy night, three guys were driving through

One fine day in the middle of class at school,

Two guys are committing a robbery. One of them

1) Large, loft-style apartments in New York City

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from his recent

So this guy is in Rhode Island hunting for geese.

Yo Mama is so ugly when she was kidnapped her mother

An elderly woman comes home and finds her daughter

This guy hears that there's good bear hunting up

A boy comes running into the kitchen and says,

There was a lady, who had a dog that she loved,

One Monday morning, Grover picking up the kids

There were four fleas on a woman's thighs. Two

One day three women went camping - a blonde, a

A woman goes to the hospital, and her doctor gives

There are three men in the bathroom, two Englishmen

This letter was started by a woman, like yourself,

How do two psychiatrists greet each other?

There was a young woman who lived with her grandmother.

Brittany was on her deathbed, with her husband

There was a woman who had very small breasts and

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm

Q: What do you call a hundred blondes stacked up

A traveling salesman checked into a futuristic

Son: Dad, I have to do a special report for school.

What did one lesbian vampire say to the other?

A man strolls into a pharmacy and asks the assistant

There were three dogs at a veternarian's office,

The other day I saw a ''Honk if you love Jesus''

Howard had felt guilty all day long. No matter

Two blondes are on opposite sides of a lake. "How

There once was a toad that was excluded from all

There was a nintey-year-old lady who was still

A little girl was failing math. Her mother enrolled

Two old friends, who hadn't seen each other in

A man left his cat with his brother while he went

Three nuns decided to quit so they went to the

Did you ever hear bout the crazy old man from Georgia?

10. This is your captain speaking and I don't feel

Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their

Start with a cage containing five monkeys. In the

Dr. Schambaugh, of the University of Oklahoma School

How many actors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

THINGY (thing-ee) n. For a female: Any part under

This guy was driving along a country road. Along

What did one wall say to the other? I'll meet

A guy walks into a bar, sits down and says to the

A young boy caught sight of his mother changing

What did the one shepherd say to the other shepherd?

Two little snakes were hissing near their pit.

One Sunday, a priest asked one of the church janitor

One day this guy goes in to the doctor's office

Insider's Guide to the Male Vocabulary ''Haven't

Bubba was Alabama's star lineman. He was great

Q: My fiancee still has feelings for his old girlfriends.

A man was walking down the street and on the

Christmas was just around the corner, and a father

Sandra and her husband Jim are expecting a baby

A woman walks in a bar and asks the bartender if

A small north Florida wild animal park had acquired

Two gay guys are walking past a funeral home and

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by

I was walking home when I noticed a couple of robins

A frog leaps out of the magical forest where he

One day there was a woman who was about to have

Once, in a small town, lived a man named Jack.

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing, so after getting

I'll get a world record for this. Let me reach

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1. A few fries short of a Happy Meal. 2. The

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One stops and

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There were three nuns talking and one nun said,

A woman goes to a doctor, and says, "Doctor I want

Once there was a sperm named Stanley. When all

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You so ugly, when you were born the doctor smacked

A pilot was forced to make a crash landing in a

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A young boy comes down to breakfast one morning.

A guy and his son go into a bar. The son is a

A mafioso's son sits at his desk writing a Christmas

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There were three pregnant women sitting together.

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There are three whores sitting in a bar. The

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A traveling salesman is in West Virginia when he

Barnum & Bailey was transferring the circus from

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A woman walks into a saloon and stands on a chair.

You're so poor that yesterday I saw your mother

There once was a scientist who studied frogs. One

Three men were in a NASA conference room to decide

Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence? To

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How can you tell if a redneck's daughter is on

You know about the 39 Heaven's Gate culters who

A market researcher called at a house and his knock

Two old friends/enemies who love to take the piss

A little boy came home from school one day and

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After praying nonstop for eight years, God finally

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It's the first day of kindergarten, and the teacher

A farmer had just bought some pigs for breeding,

All drivers for Red Ball Express had orders to

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Every morning a man drives to the dock, and every

A redneck takes his daughter to the doctor to get

There were three boys all in third grade: an Asian

Adam and Eve were standing opposite to each other

What's the diffrence between Michael Jackson and

A blond guy and a brunette girl were happily married

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What did one guy's leg say to the other? “Look

Two hungry cannibals are walking through the forest

"Do you ever get horny?" said one widow to the

Little Tommy went into his parent's bedroom one

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A teacher was teaching a class of five year olds

A man comes home late one night, drunk. "Where

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Two lawyers are walking down the street, when a

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One day a man and his wife went golfing, as they

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A kid walks by his parents having sex asks what's

A man walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a

If a blonde and a brunette jump off a building

Mary can't stand Sunday school, but her brother

Two attorneys boarded a flight out of Seattle.

This guy lives in Westchester, NY and goes to

A mother took her kid to the park one day and the

A man was driving along a dusty road, when he ran

A man and his wife were invited to a swanky masked

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Two rednecks were sitting on their porch one afternoon

Three drifters are roaming the countryside for

It is a normal drill day at the Marine base in

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A nun comes to her Mother Superior and asks her

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You're so stupid, your mother told you to go buy

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One fall day Bill was out raking leaves when he

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A man went to England on a trip and met a woman

A man comes home from work and sits in his recliner

This guy buys an old bottle at a yardsale. Upon

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A woman goes to an ice cream parlor and asks for

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One day in the city a bus driver was making his

There were these two people in a bar, a boy and

There was a perfect man and a perfect woman. They

Two guys are drinking in a bar. Soon, a gorgeous

Who invented the first computer in Biblical Times?

The European Union commissioners have announced

One day, a pod of whales was swimming along when

Sleeping Beauty, Hercules and Don Juan are sitting

What did the lesbian frog say to the other lesbian

Two brothers went downstairs for breakfast, where

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How many perverts does it take to put in a light

Pete and Larry had not seen each other in many

In the realm of the Mighty King Gates who has pulled

Little Joey was sitting in the back of class rubbing

"Man," said one sperm. "When are we going to get

Being a huge Elvis fan, a pretty, young woman strolled

Your teeth are so busted that you can kiss your

One day a lady walks into a pet store to buy her

A guy walks into a bar with his dog on a leash

There was a man named Benny who loved to take

A month before Prom night the daughter goes to

If I had one cricket ball in one hand, and another

There were two little crabs who met in Florida

Three guys walk into a motel and find out there

An owner offered one hundred dollars to anyone

What another word for a gay farmer? A jolly

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Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the state fair

There are three types of sex in a marriage. The

One day two boys were walking through the woods

One day this guy was sitting at this bar in Chicago

This guy is standing outside on his balcony on

There were three men at a bar. One man got drunk

Three sons left home to make their fortunes, and

There were these two guys working late in a morgue,

Two blondes realize that their apartment is on

A new law recently passed in Arkansas. When a couple

Two brothers, Bob and Tom, both work for a lumberyard.

Did you hear about the florist's twins? Why

"Jimmy," says the teacher, "what would happen if

The preacher was very distraught after the death

Once upon a time there were two men. One of them

The proprietor of an adult store steps out to run

Three men were flying in a plane, when they decided

Three guys go to a hotel. They tell the man behind

George of the Jungle lived all alone in the jungle

A certain zoo had acquired a very rare species

Good: Your children are sexually active. Bad: With

One day a woman, pregnant with triplets, was walking

Father Murphy was a very poor priest in a very

A woman walks into a bank in New York City and

A woman walks into a tattoo parlor. She gets into

Two old ladies were standing on a street corner

What did one duck say to the other? What? "Social

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road? A: To

On a long walk in the woods, Johhny found himself

This Story is true!!! For all of you who occasionally

There was a soldier that enlisted in the army to

Dear Santa: You must be surprised that I am writing

Two rednecks meet on a dusty country road. One

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A guy with two black eyes walks into church one

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A guy sees a sign outside a bar that says "Piano

A nun wanted to enter a racehorse into a race.

A couple had been married for many years, and their

A doctor notices a sidewalk stand that says 'brains

Two residents at a nursing home became good friends.

Q: What did one undertaker say to the other?

Q: What is your date of birth? A: July fifteenth.

A man died and went to straight down to hell. The

Jake was watching vigilantly at his dying wife's

An English prisoner of war was held by the Germans.

A preacher wanted to raise money for his church

What''s the difference between Michael Jackson

Two guys always catch the train to work together;

A brunette walks into a bar and says, "Gimme an

A lady walks into a bar and says,'' Barkeep, gimme

Four guys are flying to Japan in their own jet.

These two Scottish characters are chatting. One

One day, a little boy asks his father what the

A southern girl returned home after a summer with

Little Red Riding Hood was packing her things.

10) Collect potatoes. Paint faces on them and

A man is participating in a golf tournament. He

Q: Why is it so hard to replace Vanna White?

Three girls asked their mother if they could invite

Two gay men decide to get themselves chased by

It was the night of prom, and Sally didn't have

Three turtles, Joe, Steve, and Poncho, decide

A Jewish mother bought her son two pairs of socks

3 Irish monks have passed all tests, except for

Q: What did one flea say to the other flea? A:

A news reporter decided to do a column on old Southern

A French guy, an American guy and a Cuban guy are

ARIES (Mar 21-Apr 19) You are the pioneer type

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A regular guy and Tyra Banks are the only survivors

A man wakes up to find his dog, dead, lying next

Three guys are in a strip club. One guy walks over

Two very elderly ladies were enjoying the sunshine

Q: What's the difference between Lesbians and Wheat

A mother was sitting on the couch reading a book

You are in a room with three monkeys. One holds

After an overnight flight to meet my father at

A king wanted to improve the mood of his favorite

Ma and Pa are sitting out on the front porch one

A man took a poop in a gas station and then realized

Yesterday I called your brother a fag and he hit

Two guys are at their house. They decide to play

Once there was a farmer. He had two teenage sons.

A guy walks into a bar and he orders a whiskey.

Three contractors were visiting a tourist attraction

One day, Mr. Phillard rushed his pregnant wife

A newlywed couple arrives in their sumptuous honeymoon

One day a man goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot.

A man decided to spend the night with a prostitute.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but

There was once a Scotsman and an Englishman who

FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes

Two men leave a store. One man walks to his Corvette,

Old Mother Hubbard went to her cupboard to fetch

This guy goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor shows

A city slicker went to the country to buy a pig.

What's the difference between a toad and a horny

Many women are afraid of their first mammogram,

Three friends die and go to heaven. The first guy

Three penises were talking to each other and the

My wife came home the other night and told me to

There was this teacher who was teaching young kids

A boy comes home one day and runs up to his mom.

For years it has been believed that electric bulbs

There were three southern belles that were sisters,

If a man and a woman get married in Texas and move

Mother Superior called a young novice into her

A newlywed couple had a slight problem when it

Once upon a time, there was a river. The Nile River,

There's a man in the prison hospital on death row

Bob and Bill are driving down the road going about

10. I think of you as a brother. Translation: You

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The was a man named George who got a new job.

A guy's driving down a country road when he comes

There was this little boy who had no name. One

What did the dad say when his son said, ''Dad I'm

One day there were four people absent from class.

How do you make 100 old ladies yell, "FUCK!" at

A boy was meeting his girlfriend's parents for

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A mother is making a cake for her three sons when

A man and his son are in a car accident and are

A hippie saunters into an urban Bar & Grill and

Q: What did did the mother duck say to the little

If a couple from Tennessee get a legal divorce,

Jan.10 5:00 P.M. It's starting to snow. The

A reporter heard that a farmer had animals that

One day, a man was fishing on a dock across from

The young playboy took a blind date to an amusement

1) All of your friends have @ in their names

Following a tragic boating accident, a husband

It was flooding in California. As the flood waters

1. Ride mechanical horses with coins fished out

A man goes into a psychiatric hospital to visit

A man named Jed went hunting near the border of

A mother had three daughters and at their weddings

Three men all die on Christmas Day, and arrive

A woman goes over to her married son's house and

What did the blonde mother say to the blonde daughter? "If

A blonde came home from school one day and said

There was a blonde driving down the road one day.

At the nursing home, Abe and Edna had struck up

Three dicks are talking about what their owners

A blonde had two horses, but she couldn't tell

Two blondes are nailing in roof tiles. One of them

Peter's mother has three kids. The first two

One day a boy and his mother were watching Cinemax

My wife asked me to take her to the zoo the other

A man came in to heaven and God wanted to go on

Two cannibals just got their hands on a corpse.

Bill Clinton and the Pope die on the same day,

Two aliens land on the earth, near L.A. They get

Things a Man Would Do if He Woke up with a Vagina 10.

Has anyone ever said to you, ''Do you know Jack

A woman visits her physician. After waiting for

1. You are sandwiched between French assholes and

One day Ed, known for always being broke and shabby,

1. Everybody assumes you're an asshole 2. Racism

There once was a man with a bald head and a pegleg

One day, Saint Peter called up to Heaven Bill Clinton,

A guy walks into a doctor''s office. He has a

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A young boy walks into a whore house dragging a

Three railroad workers, a Chinese man, an Italian,

Two midgets on a bender in Vegas hire two hookers

Bob walks into a public bathroom and notices a

Two guys are golfing on a course that is right

An insect falls into a mug of beer. English Man:

A man was out of town on business. While sitting

A Cork, Ireland radio station was holding an on-air

Q: What is the difference between a tire and 365

This pothead walks into a store and says to the

What is the difference between a jeweler and a

Three idiots decide to go hunting. The first one

Sherlock Holmes and Watson were walking through

This is a true story about a recent wedding that

The Smiths had no children and decided to use a

A man's house is on fire. He runs out of the house

One day avant-garde violinist Malcolm Goldstein,

Two cannibals are eating dinner and one says, "I

Two guys were sitting at a bar on the 40th floor

When the body was first made, all the parts wanted

Slash, a well-known murderer, had been on death

What did one undertaker say to the other? Pass

How many lawyers does it take to change a light

A biker had been injured in an accident and was

There were these two vampires talking. One says

Once there was a substitute teacher taking over

There was once a pair of high school sweethearts.

A teacher was teaching her second grade class about

A guy comes home early one day from work. And

What's the difference between David Beckham and

Once there was a group of vampire bats that lived

A cop pulled over a car for swerving all over the

Q: A smart blond, Santa and a pregnant woman are

It is Rennaissance Italy and Lothario and his friend

Two fellas are fishing in a boat under a bridge.

Once a man walked into a bar and sat down at a

Patient has two teenage children, but no other

A blonde, brunette and redhead are in a desert.

In the suburbs, there's grass. In the ghetto,

What's the difference between Simba and O.J. Simpson?

One day God came to Adam to pass on some news.

Aliens from Somewhere-Out-There just landed on

There were 2 whales swimming around who were very

Q: Why do they pay sperm donors? A: Because otherwise

There was this virgin that was going out on a date

One day a little girl came running into her house

A man had an idea that could make him rich. After

A man was drinking in a bar when he noticed this

* Take shopping carts for the express purpose of

1) You always know if you are the first one to

A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking

After a really good party a man walks into a bar

Two old men in a retirement village were sitting

Hillary Clinton died and went to Heaven. St. Peter

A young man and a young woman were soon to be married,

Once there was a liitle boy in church. He had to

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that. 2.

Two missionaries in Africa were apprehended by

Just as mom walks though the door, little Jonny

A group of guys are on their way to a party, but

One day, a blonde went to the doctor's office with

But everybody looks funny naked! You woke me

What do polar bears have that no other animal has?

A woman was engaged to get married. She had never

Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough

There was a man who had a 25 inch penis, so he

At a high school an English teacher is busy with

Five pigs were standing outside a bar. The first

A man and and a woman from Alabama don't want any

Once there lived a mother who had two sons who

A very rich man met a beautiful lady and he decided

Two bored casino dealers were waiting at the craps

Q: Why did the Siamese twins move to England?

Why was the rooster so unhappy? Because

A teacher asked a pupil a question, but she could

A man goes to a doctor for his annual prostate

One Sunday morning, a little girl and her mother

Yo mama's so fat, when she walks down the street

Yankee Doodle went to town A-riding on his mother Every

About ten years ago, George Bush was visiting Mikhail

There was this couple that had twins and they couldn't

Guy 1: Hey! Why do you smoke cigarettes even though

Always take the time to smell the roses... and

What did one surfer say to the other? DUDE!

The teacher was checking her student roster on

What did the tampon say to the other tampon in

John and Bob were inseparable childhood friends.

* The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, ''What's

Once upon a time there lived a woman in Brampton

While cruising at 40,000 feet, the airplane shuddered

A fellow was ordered to lose 75 pounds, due to

There was this American tourist in Mexico, and

Last week I took some friends out to a restaurant,

Two golfers meet on the same golf course, on the

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town,

The strident prosecutor begins: ''Ladies and

Two guys walk into a bar and sit down to eat their

One day, there was a man sitting on a bus. Since

you grind your coffee beans in your mouth. you

A guy runs into a bar and says, "Bartender, quick!

Did you hear about the guy who screwed his sister-in-law?

A tiny but dignified old lady was among a group

"Guess what I got for my mother for Christmas?

There were three men in a bar. All three were

There once was a man who decided to go scuba diving

There's a bunch of doctors gathered together at

One day, a blonde's neighbor goes over to her house,

One day an old man and his wife were sitting in

A husband and wife had four boys. The odd part

Once upon a time Nasa decided to send 3 astronauts

Two guys are hitting the links at their local golf

One day a father and son are flying a kite. The

In the beginning was the Plan. And then came

A secretary goes to the company stockroom and requisitions

A typical macho man married typical good-looking

An old wizard was walking through a park when he

1. When the elevator doors close, exclaim loudly

How many dicks can a redneck girl take at a time?

A man was sitting next to a very attractive woman

Two prostitutes are standing on the corner and

A blonde, brunette and a redhead had a breaststroke

A drunk guy is telling a bartender how much he

Why did Helen Keller masturbate with only one hand?

A reporter went up into the hills of West Virginia

This man decided that on his birthday he was going

Mother: Come on, Victor, you have to get out of

One night three guys wanted to rob a bank. They

A young boy took his bag of M&M's, grabbed the

Two guys meet in heaven, and are chatting about

A man and woman had a son but when he was born

Two drivers came to a bridge over which only one

A biology class student conducted an experiment

20) With chocolate size doesn't matter; it's always

There was a man who was drivivng down the road

What did one math book say to the other math book?

A group of guys were chatting with a good-looking

One day there were two boys playing by a stream

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my

A 7-year-old and his 4-year-old brother are upstairs

A guy is in a bar with a bunch of his friends.

A brunette, a redhead and a blonde went to an ice

This blonde gets pulled over by a cop, who walks

A blonde co-ed is looking at a bulletin board and

What is the difference between Rush Limbaugh and

Women claim that computers should be referred to

Three men sat at a bar discussing the Christmas

A leprechaun and his friend walked into a bar one

A first-grade teacher asks her students to give

Q: If mothers have Mother's Day and fathers have

Two blondes are waiting at a bus stop. When a

Zeus and Thor are up on Mt. Olympus and Thor is

One day there were two men walking down a dirt

Once upon a time there were three men lost in a

Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital

There were three blondes living together. Blonde

What did one lesbian say to the other? You da'

Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after

Q: What''s the difference between a gynecologist

A little girl came running into the house crying

A good-looking woman walks into a bar wearing a

Two hookers were riding around town with a sign

A young boy walks in on his mother in the bathtub.

A little boy walks in on his parents having sex

A nun was telling some other nuns about how she

A guy and girl are in a hot 'n' heavy makeout session,

Three men are at a bar, and two of the men are

You wake up face down on the pavement. You

Grandfather and grandson, on a stroll on their

There were two blondes, one was on one side of

A man was relaxing with his evening paper, when

What does D.A.M stand for? Mothers

A Mismatched Pair of Gloves A young man wished

There is this extremely horny guy who loves to

Why'd the redneck cross the road? Because he

A cowboy was riding through an old abandoned canyon

A blonde goes to a doctor because both of her ears

I'm currently running the latest version of GirlFriend

Want to hear a dirty joke? A man fell in mud.

A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender if

Finally, something other than smiley faces....

One man says, ''You mean they are still together

NASA decided to send a shuttle into space with

Yo mama is so fat that her measurements are 36-24-36,

A young man joined the Army and signed up with

A woman who was rather old-fashioned, delicate,

A man was sitting at the bar in a watering hole

A man walked into work on Monday with two black

There were these two guys at the pub, and one guy

Why do mother kangaroos hate it when it rains?

Every day two blonde women would come out of work

A blonde walks into a restaurant to get some lunch,

There are approximately two billion children (persons

There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of

There was a dentist, an electrician, a salesperson,

What's the difference between yo' mama and a walrus?

A Jewish guy's mother gave him two sweaters for

A young boy of four was going into hospital to

This hous wife got tired of being alone everyday

A dwarf and a normal woman met at a party. The

These two persons are discussing whether the state

Q: What did one casket say to the other casket?

These two boys were talking about their sex lives

What's another name for undercover cops? Pigs-in-a-blanket.

Two men were in a pub. One man said, "Did you

There are two flies sitting on a pile of poo.

Once there were three bats. They lived in a cave

What's the difference between Clint Eastwood and

A guy was walking down the road, to a city about

What do you call a redneck with a pig under one

Two guys were working for the city. One would

A gorilla walks into a bar. The bartender comes

A little girl came home from school and told her

A very respected Captain in the foreign legion

A guy from Texas and a guy from Arkansas are driving

1: Passionate kiss like spider's web. Soon lead

A blind man walked into a bank with his seeing-eye

I had to go to the hospital the other day to get

"Bartender, gimme 'nother drink, says a very drunk

What's the difference between a blonde and a Ritz

One time at a local golf course three shitty players

A man wanted to buy his wife a unique birthday

How many men does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One night a bartender was closing up his bar and

A fellow walks into a bar very down on himself.

A woman went camping and while she was out she

Cannibal Son: Mom, I don't like my brother anymore!

10. Likes people that oppress him: teachers, parents,

There once was a toad who was a bit different than

A young priest was visting a convent. One day he

A boy awoke and wanted breakfast so he told his

Once there were these two morons sitting on a rock.

A young deaf-mute couple got married. At first

Why doesn't a blonde talk during sex? Because

A couple has just finished having sex. They ALWAYS

A little kid walks into a movie theater one day.

Yo' mama is so fat you have to grease the door

A math teacher and his wife were both 54 years

What is the difference between your mother and

Three mice are sitting in a bar. The first one

Q: What's another name for a tampon? A: Beaver

A grade school teacher was asking students what

A dying man gathered his best friends - a lawyer,

A salesman from KFC walked up to the Pope and offers

What's the difference between a catfish and a

One day, there was a cowboy riding a horse in the

On the day of her wedding to Prince Edward, Sophie

What did one candle say to the other candle?

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Hugh Hefner and Dennis Weaver were both at a party

There were three extremely poor men. They were

It was another Payday and I was tired of Mr.

Why did the bunny hop around on one leg? Because

Did you hear about the couple that "96ed?"

Why did the indecisive chicken cross the road?

Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out

A blonde goes into a world wide message center

A guy goes over to his friend's house and knocks

What did one butt cheek say to the other?“Together

Two drunks are at a bar, drinking up a storm. One

SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction,

A tourist has been visiting Cuba for a week. He

A young Irish lad had fallen in love with a girl

There's a guy and a lady sitting on the porch.

There was a guy in a bar and he asked the bartender

It was this little girl's first day of school and

1. Your Jedi robe is a camouflage color. 2.

Question: What is the irritating part about a blonde's

Two construction workers were working on the 30th

Bob is a regular guy out at a local bar One night

A man and his wife are stranded on a desert island.

Q: What did the blond customer say after reading

A blonde named Anna had a near death experience.

Q: What is it called when a blonde blows in another

What do you call a 12 year old girl from Louisiana

A salesman rang the door bell and little Johnny

What are the top three reasons why it's awful to

One time, back in the day, a boy named Johnny was

Two blondes are walking down the street when one

A guy goes to a nightclub and when the bouncer

There are 2 clones, one of the clones is real nice

A girl wants to borrow the car from her dad, so

A man goes into a sperm bank and says, "I'd like

Little Tommy runs into the bathroom one day to

Why are there no fertility clinics in Arkansas?

An atomic bomb went off in Washington and everyone

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves

A newlywed couple were on their honeymoon and were

* It can be up or down. It's more fun when it's

To my darling wife: During the past year,

There was an old lady walking down the streets

1. Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.

These individual quotes were reportedly taken from

There was this pot-head walking down a road when

One day, a mother was taking a bath when her 5

One day this man says to his wife, "Lets take a

A Rolls Royce pulls up in front of a really expensive

A haggard old lady is riding in a posh hotel's

Once there were 3 little pigs who lived together

1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or

Three men walk into a bar and the barman says,

One morning, a man approached the first tee, only

Dear Tide, I have always used your product

1) You can GET chocolate. 2) “If you love

If Oracle made toasters... They'd claim their

10) Pretend you don't speak English. 9) Say

Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to

Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk.

Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit lived in the same forest,

Two dumb blondes were driving through the middle

One fine day in the middle of the night, two dead

Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful

3 Stages of Sex: 1. House Sex - When you are newly

One day Bill Clinton decides to go on a jog. While

The seven dwarves are in Rome and they go on a

One night a man decides to visit his local bar.

Yo mama is so fat that when she asked, “Why

There was a doctor that had been having sex with

One friend was talking with another friend about

Two blondes are on opposite sides of a lake. One

Two blondes were shopping at the mall. When they

There are two cows in a field. One says to the

What does a redneck girl and the Unabomber have

What did one shark say to the other? Airline food

One day little Bill was playing in the sand out

A man from another country came to the U.S. and

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment

The pentagon said they had too many generals running

Chelsea had the most exciting news. She burst

Two couples go away on a two-week holiday together.

A couple was boasting to another couple about their

You're a redneck if you hear the phrase "Take out

Did you hear the one about the cannibal who passed

A guy in the locker room saw another guy with a

A newly married man was discussing his honeymoon.

What did one of the blonde's legs say to the other

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all enter a

Son: ''Dad, where did all of my intelligence come

Two hunters are stalking through the forest when

A guy goes out one day, hunting for bear. After

A blonde walked into a gas station and said to

Q: What did one lesbian frog say to the other?

There were three men working at the top of a building.

A man who always plays golf sees a beautiul woman

Your mama so fat, she's been married for 20 years

This lady is throwing a party where each guest

A kangaroo mom with seven babies in her pouch told

How many minutes does it take a blonde to screw

Two blondes are walking down the road when one

What did one gay sperm say to the other gay sperm?

One day God came to Adam and said, ''I've got some

Did you hear about the leper poker game? One

An old lady sits on her front porch, rocking away

What does one penny say to the other penny?

Did you know that there are 265 bones in the human

A man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy

Bob and Jim walk into a bar. Bob says, ''Hey Donkeyboy,

Two brothers are getting ready for school. One

One day three women were at a beauty parlor talking

A survey of top personnel executives of 100 major

Q: What did one tampon say to the other? A: Nothing.

One day a farmer was sitting around with one of

    An Irishman, an Englishman and

A man walks into a pub and says, "Give me three

Some mornings I wake up grouchy... and on others

Q: Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest senator

You might be a redneck if your mother has ammo

Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and

Q. What's another name for pickled bread?A. Dill-dough!

Q. What's the difference between a tire and 365

A guy walked into a bar with a pet alligator by

Yo mama is so fat that her driver's license says,

You might be a redneck if you only need another

You might be a redneck if you have more than one

Cross my heart this happened to someone. This guy

A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated

40. Oh I just couldn't. Hell, she's only

"Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated." "What

This guy has always dreamed of owning a Harley

Women think they already know everything, but wait...training

Sue and Sally meet at their 30th class reunion,

Two old biddies were talking about their lives

There were three women who always hung their laundry

A man was walking through a wealthy neighborhood

    One day many years ago, a fisherman's

A man in a bar has a couple of beers, and the bartender

A couple took their young son for his first visit

    Some people are sitting in a

Make love, not war. Hell, do both: get married! *

Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful,

Shit is a powerful word. Just think of all the

Every day I give thanks to the Goddess: I have

Sister Mary Katherine lived in a convent, a block

The wealthy, high-society mother of a 17-year-old

An old man and woman were married for years, even

    This is an actual job application

One day, a diver was enjoying the aquatic world

1) You're Different -- And That's Bad 2)

At the 1994 annual awards dinner given for Forensic

Little Johnny asks his mother how old she is.

Little Johnny, on a day when he was being particularly

'You Were an Accident' 'Strangers Have the Best

An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her

As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I can get

Teacher: "Four crows are on the fence. The

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing

Three engineering students were gathered together

A guy is tossing peanuts into the air and catching

Ted and Julie go to bed with one another for the

Male Seminarsby Females 1.  Combatting 

1. Life is sexually transmitted. 2. Two wrongs

Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. 

When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first

These two guys meet after not having seen each

The lineage is finally revealed. Many people are

A woman going through the change of life went to

At a pharmacy, a blonde asked to use the infant

"You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women,

Members of Congress...people of America....I banged

      AT&T fired President John

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow.

Is your computer male or female? As you are aware,

Intelligence Test Instructions: Write each of

A family was having some people to dinner. At

    BOOK is a revolutionary breakthrough in

Due to widespread panic about the Y2K bug, Internet

Tiger Woods     A couple were on

Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically

Two men are on opposite sides of the earth. One

   As you grow older, what lost

Joe was moderately successful in his career, but

A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife:

Proof That Jewish Was Jewish: 1. He went into

The other day, my friends and I went to this Ladies

A guy dies and goes to heaven. It's a slow day

A Catholic, a Baptist, and a Mormon are bragging

On the last day of kindergarten, all the children

One Sunday morning, everyone in one bright, beautiful,

A guy goes into a drugstore to buy condoms. "What

Hillary Clinton went for her annual exam. After

1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB -- $850/offer AMANA

A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment.

"No, really, I'm OK to drive."    

It seems there was two brothers by the same name

Willy, a mental patient, mimes driving a car as

One evening, a family brings their frail, elderly

Three couples were married and stayed at the same

A big shot businessman had to spend a couple of

After several years of serving the church in a

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent,

A mother was walking down the hall when she heard

Two married buddies are out drinking one night

There are three men in a hotel each wanting

A guy goes to visit his grandmother and he brings

1. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

A little boy is playing with his new football and

Ethel is a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and

A guy walked into a bar one day and said to the

    Two Italian virgins get married

    With Viagra such a hit, Pfizer

Two cowboys are leanin' up against the rail at

After a Christmas break, a teacher asked her young

The following letters were taken from an actual

A couple has returned from their honeymoon and

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says,

    A few months ago, there was

A nerdy little accountant is sent to jail for embezzlement

It seems that a young couple had just gotten married

Cats' facial expressions. The need for the same

Two Texans were having the blue plate special at

Breakfast: 1/2 grapefruit 1 slice whole wheat

A farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster and

There was this couple who had been married for

In the human body, which organ is in charge? All

Two little boys go into the grocery store. One

Ã, Ã, Ã,  Two young guys were picked up

There were three babies in a woman's womb, and

Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group discussing

    A trucker who had driven his

NAME: "Expecteria Trouserius" (Trouser Snake) LOCATION:

The Atlanta School Board, feeling left out by the

    What to not say to the nice

Four surgeons were sitting around discussing

Two kids were having the standard argument about

Will the Real Dummy Please Stand Up?! AT&T

    Four old Catholic women are

1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well-lighted

    Marol spent her wedding night

But Doctor, You HAVE To! In Turkey, Mehmet Esirgen, 52,

A man noticed a woman in the grocery store with

Santa was very cross. It was Christmas Eve and

The perfect man is gentle, And never cruel or mean. He

A man gets to his seat on the plane, and is surprised

A little old lady was sitting on her front porch

It has long been rumored that W. R. Grace Co. was

One day little Johnny went to his father, and asked

A group of third, fourth and fifth graders accompanied

A man had a terrible passion for baked beans, but

BETTER HOLD ON TO THOSE PANTIES...THEY COULD COME

Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher

A couple had two little boys, ages eight and ten,

Joe woke up one morning with an enormous boner

The scene was a tiny mountain village in a remote

Two statues stood in a city park: one female and

When you are dating..... Farting is never an

1. I'll swallow it all.. I love the taste.

A woman and man get into a car accident. Both

A secretary for a foreign embassy was entertaining

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a

Two ladies are sitting next to each other on a

    Psychologists have discovered

Cover charge:  $15.00 Round of drinks: 

A guy gets home early from work and hears strange

In the back woods of Arkansas, Mr. Stewart's wife

You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore. Your

    In Lebanon, men are legally allowed

    Yes, it's hard to believe, but

    DETROIT--With third-quarter

    A guy is sitting at a bar in

A newlywed couple just moved into their new house.

    Stupid people should have to

    Three nuns were talking. "I

-It is always possible to park directly outside

A lawyer lies dying, his partner of 40 years by

Ru Paul, Bill Gates, and Roger Ebert are all struck

A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for

A few clowns short of a circus.Ã, Ã, 

NICKNAMES If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose

    A little girl asked her mother

A young boy asked his mother, "Ma, is it true

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached

A frustrated wife got some Viagra for her husband.

A man and a woman who have never met before find

One night, the Potato family sat down to dinner.

    One morning, while she was making

One day two deaf-mutes meet on the street. They

A married couple went to the hospital to have their

Bobby Knight, after living a full life, died. When

An army major visits the sick soldiers, goes up

    Two explorers are flying over

Monica Lewinsky virus: Sucks all the memory

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling

    Curators at India's Baroda Museum

Dr. Seuss as Technical Writer If a packet hits

Why did the chicken cross the road? KINDERGARTEN

Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died yesterday

Remember the book "Men are from Mars, Women are

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town,

Donny is a 17-year-old ninth grader who is becoming

ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE: Warning keep out

Which Valentine's Day gift would you like? To determine

There has been a recent discovery among archives

Microsoft's Latest Venture    

This is a true story from the WordPerfect helpline.

A businessman returns from the far east. After

You know your grandparents are doing it when... 10.

On the day of the Royal Wedding, Sofia was getting

For a couple years I've been blaming it on iron

An FM station has a competition where they ring

    The following information was

An Irishman, Englishman and Scotsman go into a

A woman went to her priest with a problem. "Father,

Run one lap around the office at top speed

    Monica walks into her dry cleaning

People are always on the lookout for a new diet.

"I'm hungry." = I'm hungry. "I'm

Saddam Hussein and George W. Bush meet up in Baghdad

A young female teacher was giving an assignment

Jack tells his doctor how he can no longer sustain

John invited his mother over for dinner. During

ASTROLOGY: tells us about you and your future

A blonde wanted to sell her car, but couldn't find

During WW II an American soldier had been on the

MICROSOFT NEWS RELEASE: It has come to our attention

A waitress walks up to one of her tables in a New

No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize

Who lit the fuse on your tampon? Support Cannibalism

Our Rights: The following was written by State

This is not meant to be crude. It is strictly for

Three guys died and when they got to the pearly

A married couple was in a terrible accident where

A Polish man was taking a flight on a commercial

Dear __________________________,    

Two boys are playing football in Central Park when

A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch,

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend,

September 15     

Last name: ________________ First name (check

    Dear Son,    

Monica's Diary Entry 1 Dear Diary, I'm so excited!

A man is driving down a steep, narrow mountain

Four men, an Engineer, an Accountant, a Chemist

If you want someone who will bring you the paper without first tearing it apart to remove the sports

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED: 1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats. 2)

Charlie's wife, Lucy, had been after him for several weeks to paint the seat on their commode. Finally,

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows the rancher says to Amy, "The artificial-insemination

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend. When I was 16 I got a girlfriend,

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver

A psychotherapist was enjoying a growing practice since he graduated college. So much so that he could

Joe Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock (MADE IN JAPAN ) for 6am . While his coffeepot

I'm reading an incredibly interesting book about antigravity. "I just can't put it down." I am

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: 'Hi, how are you?' I'm

A young Chinese couple get married. She's a virgin, and truth be told he's a virgin too, but she

Find out what those dating terms really mean ATTRACTION..... the act of associating horniness with

1. Men are NOT mind readers. 2. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put

Two college students, Frank and Matt, are riding on a New York City subway when a beggar approaches

A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm wasting my time," she said to her

BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a CHANGE! The chicken

Genuine extracts from Letters Sent to Landlords: I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle

In California Unleaded gas went to $4.00 a gallon last Thursday. Sister Mary Ann, who worked for

Next time you have a bad day at work...think of this guy: Rob is a commercial saturation diver for

A mother and a baby camel were talking one day when the baby camel asked, "Mom, why do we have these

Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, were chatting about their relationships

1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out. 2. Age is a very high price to pay for

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself ~~'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.' --

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old

The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. On

Creation vs Evolution has been settled! A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating,the wives left the table

With apologies to Jeff Foxworthy, US troops in Afghanistan prove they've retained their sense

All of his life Ole had heard stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather

Katie Couric, Charlie Gibson, Brian Williams and a tough old US Marine Sergeant were captured by

Jose and Carlos are panhandlers......They panhandle in different areas of town. Carlos panhandles

A man returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport after midnight,

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul

Two bees met in a field. One said to the other, "How are things going?" "Really bad," said the second

An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop. "Ma'am,

On his way out of church after mass, Frank stopped at the door to speak to the minister. "Would it

Morty and Saul, are out one afternoon on a lake when their boat starts sinking. Saul the banker

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Wairarapa. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.

Never buy a 'new' brand of beer because 'it was on sale.' If we're in the backyard and the TV in

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6 year old.

Two doctors, a psychiatrist and a proctologist, opened an office in a small town and put up a sign

Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other

A husband and wife were sitting around one day drinking a bottle of wine. The husband turns to his

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned

In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest

A man was walking into the hospital for a routine examination the other day. Just as he reached the

Tom did like he always does, kissing his wife, crawling into bed and falling to sleep. All of a sudden,

Michael was feeling ill at work, and left after lunch to go home. He walked into the house and found

When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol.

Two male friends are out golfing one Saturday afternoon. After finishing one hole, they wait for

A nun was in a hurry on her way to her job at the local Catholic Charity Hospital when her car suddenly

A man went on a business trip to China and wanted to buy some gifts for his kids. He went to a shop

A redneck farmer from back in the hills walked twelve miles, one way, to the general store. "Heya,

George Bush meets with the Queen of England. He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient

At a recent convention of biological scientists, one researcher remarked to another, "Did you know

A builder and a priest are out for a game of golf one afternoon. Unfortunately the builder wasn't

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company,

Maria had just got married and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding

The only cow in a small Kentucky town stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found

a.. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity. b.. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian

One day George was betting on the ponies nearly losing his shirt, when he noticed a priest who had

A hunter visited another hunter and was given a tour of his home. In the den was a stuffed lion. The

A tour bus driver drives with a bus full of Sun City Christmas Shopper Seniors down a highway, when

There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table

A man and a woman, who have never met before, but are both married to other people, found themselves

A World War II pilot is reminiscing before school children about his flying days during the war.

Jim was annoyed when his blonde wife told him that a car had backed into her, damaging a fender, and

A US Air Force C-141 is scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland at midnight. During the pilot's

An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover

A blonde is roller-skating down the board-walk one day. She's just skating along in her lycra pants,

A retired corporate executive, now a widower, decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean

A married fellow gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes

A young girl from Ireland leaves home to find work in the bright lights of London. She comes home

Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome. One has a cross in front of him; the other

A man and his wife were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, agreed

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns

A young boy goes to the zoo with his father. As they are passing the elephant exhibit the youngster

Way down in Louisiana, Boudreaux's old lady had been pregnant for some time and now the time had come.

On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher. The florist's son brought

A lady is throwing a party for her granddaughter, and had gone all out..... a caterer, band, and a

A young woman was preparing for her wedding. She asked her mother to go out and buy a nice long black

Mary was having an affair during the day while her husband was at work. One day, she was in bed with

A very large, old, building was being torn down in Chicago to make room for a new skyscraper. Due

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." Winston Churchill "A modest

An Englishman A Scotsman and an Irishman are all setting in a bar in New York discussing about how

A young Southern boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 of the way through the semester, he has foolishly

A mother and her young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The son turned

Two old women were sitting on a bench waiting for their bus. The buses were running late, and a lot

A lady went to the bar on a cruise ship, and ordered a Scotch, with two drops of water. The bartender

Three salesmen were bragging who is the best. The first said, that he is so good he sold a color

Bad Metaphors from Stupid Student Essays (actually these are mostly similes, see Literary Terms) Her

A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?" Mom replies,

The Best and Worst Comments Received: "Text is useless. I use it to kill roaches in my room."

Have You Ever Been Guilty Of Looking At Others Your Own Age And Thinking, "surely I Can't Look

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, "Esther,

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender can't help but stare at the

A couple of rednecks went on vacation in Colorado. They flew to Denver and rented a car to sight see.

other day my neighbour, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway just jumping for joy!

Entries in a Dog's Diary: 7 am - Oh boy! A walk! My favorite! 8 am - Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite! 9

A Blonde Texan city girl, marries a Texas rancher. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows

I met an older woman at a bar last night. She wasn't bad for 57, we drank and bullsh*tted a bit,

King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could

Congress Votes to Outsource Presidency, Washington, DC (AP) Congress today announced that the office

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with

Sue and Sally meet at their 30th class reunion, and they haven't seen each other since graduation.

Once upon a time, two little boys, Sammy and Tim, were sharing a room in the hospital. As they were

A grandmother was pushing her little grandchild around Wal- Mart in a buggy. Each time she put something

A Japanese company ( Toyota ) and an American company (General Motors decided to have a canoe race

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was

TWO DUCK HUNTERS FROM WISCONSIN: ABSOLUTELY A TRUE STORY HEARD ON A WISCONSIN RADIO STATION REPORTING

A guy receives an ad in the mail for a golf resort where everything costs one dollar. He jumps at the

Last week my tie caught on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with an ax! I met the surgeon general.

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.'

(Actual letter from an Iowa resident and sent to his senator) The Honorable Tom Harkin 731 Hart

Old tribal wisdom says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to

Grandma's letter; She is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes: Dear

A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in D.C.. One from New Jersey,

Little Zachary was doing poorly in math. His parents, after exhausting all other incentives, finally

Three friends had a good friend named Joe and he was, naturally, an eternal optimist. At every bad

A woman was unhappy with the way her laundry was done at the local Chinese Laundry, so she wrote a

A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch

Two young boys walk into a pharmacy one day, pick out a box of Tampax and proceed to the checkout counter.

A 2006 study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year. Another recent study

1. You must first learn to pronounce the city name, it is L. A. 2. The morning rush hour is from

An old man and woman were married for many years, even though, they hated each other. When they had

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has

A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place. A

Jack was sitting in an airplane when another guy took the seat beside him. Jack noticed that the guy

This is a true account recorded in the incident log of Jasper Cty, SC Sheriff's Office. An elderly

A husband and wife came for counselling after 25 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was,

A fifteen year-old boy came home with a new Chevrolet Avalanche and his parents began to yell and scream,

When asked by their host if she would like another drink, the attractive blonde bowed her head slightly

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your

What, you ask, is "Butt dust?" Read on and you'll discover the joy in it! These have to be original

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died,

One day, there was a catastrophic event that caused all living creatures on Earth to die. To sort things

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal

Joe passed away. His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last guests departed

There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby so he went before the congregation and asked for

A young man got a license to trap furs for the winter in Alaska. After buying supplies in a local town

Even if you aren't a skier, you'll be able to appreciate the humor of the slopes as written by a New

1) This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6) 2) Oysters' balls are

Two married friends are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says, "You know I don't

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with

Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder and made a spectacle of himself? Doctors

On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons. Early one morning, the woman

#10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22. #9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for

A woman married three times walked into a bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk that she was

A newlywed couple returned to their apartment after being on their honeymoon. "Care to go upstairs

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend. When I was 16 I got a girlfriend,

Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around Home Depot when they collide. The

A Lady goes to Toys R Us to buy a Barbie doll. She tells the clerk that she needs to buy a Barbie

Jack's grandfather left him $10 million, and the next week Diane agreed to marry him. After three months

your breasts must think i'm good lookin cause they keep lookin at me. Hey baby, you keep running

One day while Little Johnny and his freind Arnie were playing out in the back yard,they started talking

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a

Mark and Paul stopped into an English pub for a drink. They called the proprietor over and asked him

Golf balls are like eggs. They're white, they're sold by the dozen, and every week you have to buy more. A

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son

A young Southern couple got married and went on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately

WATER...... It has been scientifically proven that if we drink 1 liter Of water each day, at the end

As You May Already Know, It Is A Sin For A Taliban Male To See Any Woman Other Than His Wife Naked

Joe grew up in Jamaica, then moved away to attend college and law school. He decided to come back

Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss, But I only slept with you, because I was pissed. I

There was a church down in Southwest Texas that had a very big-busted organist. Her breasts were so

A couple arrived at town hall seconds before closing time, and caught a judge just as he was about

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by kids) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff.

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that,

What's the difference between girls aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58, 68 and 78? At 8 - You take her

Hang on to any of the new State of Alabama quarters. If you have them; they may be worth much more

The teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra.

At Heathrow Airport in England, a 300 ft. red carpet was stretched out to Air Force One and President

A little town in southern Illinois had a sensational birth rate, and scientists decided to visit the

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room. The

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play - normally one club and two balls. 2. Play

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their

A contestant on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" had reached the final plateau. If she answered the

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags, one in each hand. There's

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg. It's tough

An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop.

There were two old men sitting on a park bench passing the day away talking. One old man asked the

If your unfortunate enough to have to visit Yankee Country - like Boston (pronounced BAH-stin), this

The only cow in a small town in Arkansas stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found

Last summer John met a woman while on vacation and fell head over heels in love with her. On the last

Annoyed by the professor of anatomy who liked to tell "naughty" stories during class, a group of female

An old man, a boy, and a donkey were on their way to town. The boy was riding the donkey. As they

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program. The next day, there's a knock

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried the

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was

On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow?

# 10 Life is sexually transmitted. # 9 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which

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1.Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue. 2.Press any key to continue or any other key to quit. 3.Press

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of the University

During training exercises, the lieutenant driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck

One day the teacher decides to play an animal game. She holds up a picture of a giraffe and asks if

I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy."

The wife comes home early and finds her husband in their master bedroom making love to a beautiful,

10. Your visa card and your belt both hit their limit. 9. She's been wearing an engagement ring

Two elderly women were in a beauty parlor getting their hair done, when in walked a young chick with

Deep in the back woods, of Letcher County Kentucky a hillbilly's wife went into labor in the middle

Dear Mrs. Fenton, Over the past six months, your husband, Mr. Bill Fenton has been causing quite

Recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex: The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. This

A group of Kentucky second, third, and fourth graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on

Police in Turkey have arrested a 30-year-old shop assistant After he was found lying naked with a

On a train from London to Manchester, an American was telling off the Englishman sitting across

The Internal Revenue sends their auditor (a nasty little man named Shea) to audit a synagogue. The

A contestant on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire" had reached the final plateau. If she answered the

They met at the singles club meeting and discovered over time that they enjoyed each other's company. After

Pretty soon, I won't be able to do anything except sit in my chair and read! I must send my thanks

"An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they

A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The

You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track. Logic is a systematic method

It's out! Brand new edition of... "You know you're A redneck when......" 1. You take your dog for

Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his

Slap Your Co-Worker Day is Coming!! May 22 is the official Slap Your Irritating Co-workers Holiday:

A mother and her very young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The little

DINING OUT 1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly

I've never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come

In Florida, an atheist became incensed over the preparation for Easter and Passover holidays and decided

Mary Clancy goes up to Father McGuire after his Sunday mor ning service, and she's in tears. He says,

A man called home to his wife and said, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my

A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie. The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes. The

Here's a prime example of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus" offered by an English professor

I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court. I noticed an old man watching a teenager

Two scottish nuns have just arrived in the USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the

A college pizza delivery boy arrived at the house of Mr.Smith. He delivered the pizza to his trailer.

A teenage girl comes home from school and asks her mother. "Is it true what Rita just told me? Babies

here is a dangerous virus being passed electronically, orally and by hand. This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer

According to the FBI, most modern-day bank robberies are "unsophisticated and unprofessional crimes,"

On his way out of church, Frank stopped at the door to speak to the minister. "Would it be right,"

Some women are gathered and the subject of conversation turns to sex and then birth control. The first

A little old lady goes into the store to do some shopping. She is bewildered over the large selection

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder

During the banquet celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary, Tom was asked to give his friends a

Little Johnny had a cussing problem and his father was getting tired of it. He decided to ask his

A woman went to the doctor's office and was seen by one of the new young doctors. After about four

This not a widely known fact, mainly because of the little-known popularity of the celebrity involved.

Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas." The barman says,

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez. "How was he killed?" asked

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a good looking, older retired

WASHINGTON, D.C. - A white house source stated that Congress is considering awarding Vice-President

I don't understand. After the last child was born, she told me we had to cut back on expenses, I had

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking and one blonde says to the other, "Which

Take Care of the Big Rocks First A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in

One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 7-year-old hockey players aside and asked,

Dear Dogs and Cats, The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated

There once was a man who owned a sausage factory, and he was showing his arrogant preppy son around

An older couple had a son, who was still living with them. The parents were a little worried, as the

Grandpa watched Tommy pull a worm out of the ground and told him that he would give him 10 bucks if

BACHELOR: A guy who has avoided the opportunity to make some woman miserable. BRIDE: A woman

In case you have been waiting breathlessly for this year's Darwin Awards, here they are. The awards

On the first day, God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at

There was a German, an Italian and a Missouri Redneck on death row. The warden gave them a choice

A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block? Mom replies,

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. He played with his toys in her bedroom while

Personal Ads That Were Probably NEVER Answered SWM: Roommate needed for six bedroom north side condo. $800/month

For those of you who are not "fortunate" enough to live in California, here is a copy of the California

A Somali arrives in Minneapolis as a new immigrant to the United States. He stops the first person

1. Gain weight. At least 30 pounds. 2. Stop exercising. Waste of time. 3. Read less. Makes you

Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring another bull onto the ranch,

One year at Christmas my mom went to my sister's house for the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible

An older Jewish man married a younger woman. After several months, the young woman complained that

No matter what you do or where you go, you're always going to be yourself. And Panexa knows this. Your

I really wanted to send out some sort of holiday greeting but it is so difficult in today's world to

It was last Wednesday night, and I was sitting in my room watching television when the phone rang. "Hello?" A

10. Every Tuesday he insists it's his turn to be the siren. 9. He is starting to develop a crush

In a small Southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone

A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event, hosted by a local liberal arts college.

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he called his grandson to his bed. "Grandson I wanna you lisin

Some friars were behind in their belfry payments, so they opened a small florist shop to raise the

All of his life George from Cape Breton had heard stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: 1 October 2005 RE: Christmas

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself

TO: Honorable Secretary of Agriculture Washington, D.C. Dear Sir, My friend, Buba Peterson,

The coach had put together the perfect team for the New Orleans Saints. The only thing missing was

History began some 12,000 years ago.(Actually, it was 40,000 years ago.) Humans existed as members

And your crybaby whinny opinion would be...? This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting. I

Two golfing friends were about to tee off, when one fellow noticed that his partner had but one golf

A young girl on a year's training course in South Africa recently received a "Dear John" letter from her

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party. After several drinks, one

As a court clerk, I am well-versed in the jury-selection process. First a computer randomly selects

John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called pullets

Save all manner of bacon grease. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let

Hello, my name is William and I suffer from guilt for not forwarding 50 billion fucking chain letters

A Texas family of football supporters head out one Saturday to the outlet mall to do their tax-free

Dear Husband: I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been

A big corporation recently hired several cannibals in the interest of cultural diversity. You are

Smart Ass Answer #5: A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.

On a given night, 2 death row inmates are scheduled to be electrocuted on old sparky. While one execution

The Mr. Right Rejection Letter Form Dear [____rejectee's name here_____], I regret to inform

AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659---CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY A lady about 8 months pregnant got on

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One

An elderly man goes into his doctors office for an annual physical. After a while, the doctor comes

Name of Boyfriend/Fiancé/Husband: I request permission for a leave of absence from the highest

A father watched his daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent

I am very detail-oreinted. My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability

After the North American Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The

A family is sitting around the supper table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of breasts

Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large raging violent river. Needing to

Two doctors opened offices in a small town and put up a sign reading, "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry

The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of

Two Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods. All of a sudden one of the Indians ran

An Irishman an Englishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar in Sydney. The view was fantastic,

For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you

Mrs. Shapiro, the Matchmaker, goes to see Mr. Cohen, a confirmed bachelor for many years. "Mr. Cohen,

When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly

This is true !! It details what to do if an anaconda attacks you. Excerpt is from the US Government

At dawn the telephone rings. "Hello, Senor Humphrey? This is Ernesto the caretaker at your country

1. The patient refused autopsy. 2. The patient has no previous history of suicides. 3. Patient

A boy was taking care of his baby sister while his parents went to town shopping. He decided to go

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. "So, how is everything going?" inquired

A big shot executive had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses

Little Tommy was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything; tutors, flash cards,

NUDITY I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible

MIDDLETOWN, Ohio (AP) - The city's tax superintendent has been suspended without pay for a week for

The Iowa Wage and Hour Department claimed a man owning a small farm was not paying proper wages to

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched with horror as her ball headed directly towards

Way down in Louisiana, Bubba's old lady had been pregnant for some time and now the time had come.

A redhead, a brunette and a blonde were lunching together, discussing what they thought the worlds

* Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong. * Keep skunks and bankers and

A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds, and he entered a patient's room to find

It is with the saddest heart that I have to pass on the following news about a great American icon.. Veteran

1. "I got kicked out of Riverdance for using my arms." - Michael Flatley (lead Riverdancer) 2.

January - Took her new scarf back to the store because it was too tight. February - Couldn't work

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. As he sits, the waitress comes

This happened about a month ago just outside a little town in the bayou country of Louisiana, and

In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft;

In the year 2005, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said, "Once

In a small fishing village, a Newfoundlander was walking up the wharf carrying two - at least three

Differential Theory of US Armed Forces (Snake Model) upon encountering a snake in the Area of Operations

As we age, our priorities change .. The other day I came home and was greeted by my wife, dressed only

Fidel dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, St. Peter tells him that he is not on the list and

One day a father of a very wealthy family took his son on a trip to the country with the firm purpose

My other car is a bomb This vehicle makes wide right turns into buildings Allah is my co-pilot My

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. 2. One tequila, two tequila, three

Police Officer O'Leary is cruising around in his patrol car one night. He's on the lookout for trouble.

A man goes into hospital for a vasectomy. When he wakes up he's surrounded by several anxious looking

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat

I would not say that the future is necessarily less predictable than the past. I think the past was

A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The

An old couple is having breakfast when the old woman says to her husband, "Just think, honey, we've

A man in the Florida supermarket tries to buy half a head of lettuce. The very young produce assistant

Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to get his wife's test results. The lab technician says to

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside.

THE WIT AND THE WISDOM OF HOMER J.SIMPSON "Now son, you don't want to drink beer. That''s for Daddys,

Bubba applied for an engineering position at a Lake Charles refinery. A Yankee applied for the same

Enclosed is my 2005 Form 1040, together with payment. Please take note of the attached article from

As a crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a five-year-old boy who picks

A man is in his front yard attempting to fly a kite with his son. However, every time the kite gets

If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise. - Unknown Some days you're the dog; some

Note: Sometimes a story comes along that needs no polishing or enhancement to make it better.

Two guys were walking in the woods one day, and they all of a sudden came across a bear. The bear noticed

A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned. The doctor told

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the

A wife reports, My Husband, not happy with my mood swings so he bought me a mood ring the other day

One night, a little blind boy's mother said to him, "Anthony, if you pray really, REALLY hard tonight,

A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the

The following are new Windows messages that are under consideration for the Windows XP: 1. Enter

10. Your top player scores 20 points a game, but most of them are in the wrong basket. 9. You spend

A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem. The

A day before his 15th birthday, the son of a wealthy family was asked by his father, `Well my son,

John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Georgia. After

This is a true story.. An elderly Florida lady did her shopping, and upon returning to her car,

Helpdesk: What kind of computer do you have? Female customer: A white one... -------------------------------------------------------------------- Hi,

Part of Air Canada's recent settlement with the Unions was hiring handicapped people! So, the other

A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded,

A young Technician and his General Manager board a train headed through the mountains on its way to

Alabama: Yes, We Have Electricity Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong! Arizona: But It's A

Dr. Phil was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You

Dear Tech Support: Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the

At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady truck up a conversation and

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery

A Mexican family crosses the border to the Land of Milk and Honey where the streets are supposed

There was a little guy sitting at a bar drinking a beer. A while later a huge guy walked into the bar

One day a fella was driving home when he suddenly realized that it was his daughter's birthday and

A group of previous kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade. The

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from his recent accident were serious enough to take the trucking company

Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyerwitz loses $500 on a single

Who said men don't remember anniversaries? A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband

1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out. 2. Age is a very high price to pay for

The NHL Players Association (NHLPA) announced today that they are upset at the NHL for planning to

D A M N I T O L Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours. ST. M O

Two Middle East mothers are sitting in the cafe strip chatting over a pint of goat's milk. The older

To the citizens of the United States of America: In the light of your failure to elect a competent

A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears and

A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They

[The year would not be complete without the Darwin Awards - awarded every year to the persons who

You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were

The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as

A guy walks into a bar with his dog on a leash the barman says, "Geez that's a weird dog: he's stumpy-legged,

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named

The young couple invited their aged parson for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing

Written by Phil Maggitti Going to War with the Army that We Want. WASHINGTON, D.C. - President

*Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal. *I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. *WANTED:

* Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot. * Learn from your parents' mistakes

I. There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa

Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered. Some

I think Santa Claus is a woman .... I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's

You Know You've Had Too Much Christmas Cheer When... 1. You notice your tie sticking out of your

So this isn't Home Sweet Home ... Adjust! Ring bell for maid service. If no answer, do it yourself! I

A man is sitting at the bar in his local tavern, furiously imbibing shots of whiskey. One of his friends

A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place. A

George Carlin Speaks Out... I Am Your Worst Nightmare. I am a BAD American. I am George Carlin. I

There were two blondes who went deep into the frozen woods searching for a Christmas tree. After

Amy, a blonde city girl, marries a farmer. One morning, on his way out to the fields, the farmer says

A guy took his blonde girl friend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their

Some of us Southerners are pretty skeptical of horoscopes and the people that read them. If we are

One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river.

"Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine." "I love cats...they taste just like chicken" "Out

"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand." Woody

In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the day. During that time we regret that you

Hang on to any of the new State of Arkansas quarters. If you have them, they may be worth much more

Married Priests in Catholic Church a Long Time Coming Prosecutors Want Victim in Courtroom During

Some people say that I'm superficial, but that's just on the surface. On one hand, I'm indecisive;

Accountant - Someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing. Auditor - Someone

Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and going into the woods. Curious, he follows

Thought you might enjoy this message I received from one of my more politically oriented friends.....

10. Pair of edible Depends found on bedroom floor. 9. Lately, at night, they put their teeth

A Russian and an Newfoundland wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic Gold medal. Before the

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program. The next day, there's a

Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has

The finals of the National Youth Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. One was a student

This is how today's media would have reported the Normandy invasion to free those living under German

Whitey was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers called pullets and

One night a blonde nun was praying in her room when God appeared before her. "My daughter, you have

A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. While the religious one prayed day in, day

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of sh*t . 2. I don't know what your

A little boy was playing with a worm one day at his grandpa's house. Grandpa jokingly tells the young

Two blondes living in Texas were sitting on a bench talking........and the one blonde says to the

WASHINGTON, DC (AP) - Congress approved sweeping legislation, which provides new benefits for many

The world's most avid baseball fan, a blonde, had arrived early at the stadium for the first game

Two guys are walking through the woods and come across this big deep hole. "Wow...that looks deep."

It was the first day of school in Marietta, Georgia, and a new student named Suzuki, the son of a Japanese

10 INDISPUTABLE TRUTHS BLACK PEOPLE KNOW, BUT WHITE PEOPLE WON'T ADMIT: 1. Elvis is dead. 2.

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck,

Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new

What the Job Ad says & What it means: Advancement opportunity: Sh*t job Entry level Really

For those of you who are not "fortunate" enough to live in California, here is a copy of the California

Someone out there either has too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble. (wait till you see the

A blonde was hunched over the bar, toothpick in hand, spearing futilely at the olive in her drink.

It was Saturday night and the preacher still hadn't been able to think of a sermon for the next morning.

THINGY (thing-ee) n. female: Any part under a car's hood. male: The strap fastener on a woman's

Little Johnny 's next door neighbors had a baby. Unfortunately, the little baby was born with no ears. When

A three year old walked over to the pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in the doctors office. He

There was a man named George who got a new job. His fellow employees always met for a round of golf

There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby. The preacher went to the congregation and asked

PARIS HILTON CALLS FOR END TO SWIFT BOAT FLAP Says It's drawing Attention Away From Her Hotel

It is with the saddest heart that I have to pass on the following news about a great American icon.. Veteran

Who says cops don't have a sense of humor? The following were taken off of actual police car videos

There were two lovers, who were really into spiritualism and reincarnation. They vowed that if either

Seems God was just about done with creating the universe but he had two extra things left over in

Two guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge. The

The story behind the letter below is that there is this nutball in Newport, Rhode Island named Scott

Attached is some correspondence which actually occurred between a London hotel's staff and one of

I once received a fax with a note on the bottom to fax the document back to the sender when I was

A man attempting to set up his new printer called the printer's tech Support number, complaining about

Here's why . According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were kids in the 40's,

After his death, Osama bin Laden went to heaven. There he was greeted by George Washington, who

Dear Abby, I am a crack dealer in Beaumont, Texas who has recently been diagnosed as a carrier

1. Never take a beer to a job interview. 2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting

A biker stopped by the local Harley Shop to have his bike repaired. They couldn't do the work while

There are a lot of folks who can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in America. Well,

This year, I resolve to ... 1. Gain weight. At least 30 pounds. 2. Stop exercising. Waste of time. 3.

Redmond, WA - Microsoft Corporation has reconfirmed its commitment to bringing the "total PC experience"

The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death

Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad. Canadians: Are rather indignant about

I phoned up a really gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day. We lost track of time, chatting

Male Seminars by Females 1. Combatting Stupidity 2. You, Too, Can Do Housework 3. PMS: Learn

Dear Tech Support: Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slow down

There were three boys all in third grade: an Asian boy, a Spanish boy and a redneck. They were trying

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly

So anyvay, late one night, Lena vakes Ole and says, "I tink its time!" So Ole fired up the Yohn Deere

A young Catholic man goes to confession and says, "Father, it has been one month since my last confession.

Two 90 yr. old men decided to go to there local whore house one more time before it was to late. They

Modern medicine has come up with some great new stuff to make life easier ...: St. Mom's Wort ~

1. Good: Your wife is pregnant. Bad: It's triplets. Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago. 2.

A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in

SYMPTOM - Feet cold and wet. SOLUTION - Glass being held at incorrect angle. Rotate glass so that

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender hands him the beer and says,

I hope that this will once again confirm that the most important information in your life won't come

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't

A large woman wearing a sleeveless sun dress walked into a pub in England. She raised her right arm

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar one day and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes,

A mother of five decides to get plastic surgery on her privates so her husband can enjoy the snugness

Warning on a bottle of drain cleaner: "If you do not understand, or cannot read, all directions,

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious

He, who laughs last, thinks slowest. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film. A

There were two brothers. One was very good and tried always to live right and be helpful. His brother

An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other. When they had

A mother enters her daughter's bedroom and sees a letter over the bed. With the worst premonition,

This is the best lawyer story of the year, decade, and probably the century. A Charlotte, NC, lawyer

A science teacher asked her students "Children, if you could own one mineral what would it be? one

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's

It's time once again to consider the candidates for the annual Stella Awards. The Stella's are named

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals had a habit

One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer.

There were two old geezers living in the backwoods of the Ozarks...Rufus and Clarence. They lived

George Bush goes to a primary [elementary] school to talk about the war. After his talk, he opens

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. Gardening

Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the

A fresh-faced lad on the eve of his wedding night asks his mother, "Mom, why are wedding dresses white?"

A friend just got back from a holiday ski trip to Utah with the kind of story that warms the cockles

I promise you cannot read these and not laugh out loud! These are real notes written from parents

A nun, really needing to go to the bathroom, walked into a neighborhood pub. The place was hopping

Last year I replaced several windows in my house and they were the expensive double-pane energy

Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids. Never take life seriously.

Hang on to any of the new Newfoundland quarters. If you have them, they may be worth much more than

A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off. "How

I was scheduled to fly from North Carolina to Germany, where my husband was stationed in the military.

A Russian and an American wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic Gold Medal. Before the final

1. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever! Unless you actually

Cinderella is now 95 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits

Some of us Southerners are pretty skeptical of horoscopes and the people that read them. If we are

Clem pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Jed where he'd first had sex. "It

man died and went to The Judgment. St. Peter met him at the Gates of Heaven and said, "Before you

A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital. Just before he was

A US Air Force C-141 was scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland at midnight. During the pilot's

A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table,

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful (and intelligent) pet dachshund

Toward the end of the golf course, Dave somehow managed to hit his ball into the woods finding it

A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play.

An office manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through

A man walked into a bar near Lexington, KY and ordered a beer just as former President Clinton appeared

An eighteen-year-old Italian girl tells her mom that she has missed her period for two months. Very

A man returning home a day early from a business trip got into a taxi at the airport. It was after

It was this little girl's first day of school and the teacher asked her what her name was and she

A young woman asks her mother, "Mom, how many kind of penises are there?" The mother, surprised,

Miriam was dying and on her deathbed, she gave final instructions to her husband Sidney. "Sidney,

Jack has died. His lawyer is standing before the family and reads out Jack's Last Will and Testament. "To

A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what had had happened to her ears?

A guy walks into a bar. He sits down at the end of the bar, next to another guy, who was the only

randpa and grandma were watching the television evangelical show and the preacher said, if the viewers

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently

1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I wan' all dem kids to do what I do,

You are different and that's bad. Pop goes the hamster......and other great microwave games. What

One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her husband in bed with another woman. She

A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party. He doesn't know what costume to wear

A man worked in a post office. His job was to process all mail that had illegible addresses. One

Sherry lost her husband almost four years ago and still hasn't gotten out of her mourning stage. Her

If you recall the old Hollywood Squares show, this will bring a tear to your eyes. They are worth

1. When you get pulled over, say "What's wrong, ossifer, there's no blood in my alcohol?" 2. When

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take

Description Missus manifests as a female humanoid providing cooking/cleaning features, and a sitting-room/TV

Two women friends had gone for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the

FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80's, slim, 5'4" (used to be 5'6"), searching

Two men were digging a ditch on a very hot day. One said to the other, "Why are we down in this hole

There was an old man, a boy, and a donkey. They were going to town and it was decided that the boy

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo Project, it took the astronauts to a Navajo reservation in

Students in an advanced biology class were taking a mid-term. The last question, worth 70 points or

A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's final exam. He said there would

This is a test for men only and all "real men" will answer "C" to all of these questions. However,

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not live forever, because

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks and cleans from time to time, and

Johnny and his wife went to the State Fair every year. Every year Johnny would say, "I'd like to ride

A nun was going to Chicago. She went to the airport and sat down waiting for her flight. She looked

On a group of beautiful deserted tropical islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself that he starts

These are actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. Her face was a perfect oval,

Proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night the drunk led the way

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. 2. If

A man was traveling north to Alberta. He needed to use the bathroom and so at a rest stop he goes into

News just in of Microsoft's latest venture: Microsoft Corporation has taken another step toward dominating

One evening a father overheard his son saying his prayers "God bless Mommy, Daddy and Grammy. Goodbye

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats are. The first man was an Engineer, the second

A southern farmer got in his pickup and drove several miles to a neighboring farm and knocked on the

A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior

This is a compilation of actual Church Bulletins and Service bloopers... Our next song is "Angels

A little old couple walked slowly into a McDonalds one cold winter evening. They looked out of place

ABBOT: Ultimate Super Duper Computer Store. Can I help you? COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up

What do you expect from such simple creatures!? Their last name stays put. The garage is all

After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for a younger woman. The house was in his name

While attending a marriage seminar on communication, Wally and his wife Carolyn listened to the instructor