pants

A man was in a long line at Target. As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms,

There was this construction worker on the 3rd floor of this unfinished building. He needed a hand saw,

A guy walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, "Listen, I have three girls coming over tonight.

Maria had just got married and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, Harry,

A king travels through the desert, when he suddenly discovers a man captured under a big rock, he throws

A few fraternity brothers needed to fill a science requirement in order to graduate, so they spent weeks

A man goes to a restaurant and orders a chicken dish. By the time the food is ready and he is about to

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? Well, I hope you remember my story when they

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble

A drunk in a bar barfs all over his own shirt.

A guyââ,¬â"¢s been dating the girl of his

Q: Why was Oprah stopped at the airport? A: She

Q: Why did Michael Jackson run to Wal-Mart? A:

Yo mama's pants so tight, when she farts, it comes

Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving

A man at a retirement home was walking around with

A trucker picks up a hitchhiker who climbs up in

Why did Michael Jackson rush to Wal-Mart? Because

Osama and Saddam are walking through a desert when

Yo mama is so nasty, she puts ice down her pants

EXCITABLE : Shorts half twisted around, cannot

An old farmer went to town to see a movie. The

Why did Helen Keller wear tight pants? So u could

A pirate walks into a bar with a peg leg, a parrot

A man went to a cafe and ordered some soup. Half

An old farmer went to town to see a movie. The

Years of straining with poopie-ing, we can only

You've lost the feeling below your ankles. When

Pass My Shotgun Psychotic Mood Shift Perpetual

How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges? What

What do farts and Enrique Iglesias have in common? a.

What is the sharpest thing in the world? A Fart.

1. Blast the Phantom of the Opera at midnight and

A guy goes to see a doctor and when they get into

What will the FBI say when they go to Gary Condit's

Q: Why does Congressman Gary Condit wear pants? A:

One day Lone Ranger and his side kick Tonto were

George W. Bush was caught breaking the White House

--That comment about Elton being "twice the woman"

1. Your name must be Daisy, because I have the

A guy was standing in front of the gorilla cage

1. Two World Wars and one World Cup 2. Proper

A 13 year-old old paperboy knocks on the door of

There was a cowboy riding down a trail on his horse

There once was pirate captain who, whenever it

Yo mama is so dumb that she got locked in the bathroom

Once upon a time, there was a king who thought

One day, a farmer walked into a bar and asked the

Two guys are committing a robbery. One of them

So this guy is in Rhode Island hunting for geese.

5. Does this look infected to you? 4. Would

Two teenagers were walking through a park when

There was a woman who had very small breasts and

This guy goes to the doctors office and tells the

A man, Bob, and his friend Joe went out hunting.

A man walks into a bar with an alligator on a

The elderly man told his wife he was going to sign

There was a man named Joe playing baseball on his

A construction worker on the third floor of a building

It was Christmas Eve, and a lady hadn't had sex

A man walks into a bar one day and asks the bartender

Is that Windex in your pants? Because I can

You might be a redneck if every time you see a

One night, a father passed by his son's room and

A married couple was on holiday in Pakistan. They

All drivers for Red Ball Express had orders to

There were three boys all in third grade: an Asian

There was a guy, who was the most buff guy, and

This guy lives in Westchester, NY and goes to

1) Excitable -- Shorts half-twisted around, cannot

An old man went to the social security office to

There were these two people in a bar, a boy and

This guy who works at a pickle factory comes home

A man is riding aimlessly through the desert on

Hey baby, are those space pants? Cuz your butt

Billy was 14 and just started jerking off. He loved

A month before Prom night the daughter goes to

A man walks into a bar and sits down right across

If my pants aren't at my ankles, don't open your

There was a guy on the beach with about 25 gorgeous

A guy sees a sign outside a bar that says "Piano

There was this man who had a dog. Every Sunday

Three guys were in a bar and they heard a woman

Knock, knock! Who's there? Polar. Polar who? Polar

A young woman experienced car trouble late one

A man and his wife were on their honeymoon. The

Yo mama is so stupid, she poured ice down her

One night two drunks were wandering the town trying

Why do firemen wear red suspenders? To hold

(which in our society means over 25) An older

A guy walks into a bar with an alligator. It's

Yo mama's so nasty, she has to put ice down her

Once upon a time there were these two bums walking

A farmer was in a bar drinking and looking all

What do Micheal Jackson and JC Penny have in common? Boys'

1. Ride mechanical horses with coins fished out

A man named Jed went hunting near the border of

Rule One: I am aware that it is concidered fashionable

Little Johnny walked in one day on his daddy in

One sunny Saturday morning, the first of a twosome

A guy walks into a pub and says, ''Can you remove

You might be a redneck if you see a sign that says

A student is taking his final exams. He takes his

Three nuns used to go to the church from their

Once there was this man whose car broke down.

Q: What did the blonde do after she brushed her

A woman was engaged to get married. She had never

An old man and an old woman are sitting in a nursing

A man walks into a bar with a steering wheel shoved

A retired gentleman went to apply for Social Security.

Yo mama is so fat, she wore leather pants to a

A little boy wanted to be Bill Clinton for Halloween,

Did you hear about the guy with five penises?

Mr. Jones was an old man with Alzheimer's who lived

Man who stick face in punchbowl get punch in nose.

Why did the snowman drop his pants? He saw

A nun was telling some other nuns about how she

Why did the golf player take an extra pair of pants

A blonde and a guy were out on a date and they

Why do blondes go to Sears? Because the boys

Why did the belt get locked up? Because he

The FDA is considering additional warnings on beer

Ghost Poopie- The kind where you feel the poopie

A man was walking on the beach when he happened

There are two blondes playing golf. One tees off

A ship captain always asks for his red shirt when

A newlywed couple had just arrived in their honeymoon

"Bartender, gimme 'nother drink, says a very drunk

Do you want to know a funny joke? Pull down your

A man claimed he could name any animal that was

A little boy was playing in his sandbox when the

One day at the rest home, an old man and woman

A man arrived at a small village in India, and

A teacher decides that she is going to teach her

Why did the blonde get confused in the the bathroom?

Is there a mirror in your pocket? Because I can

Saturday 1:00 A.M. Alarm clock rings. 2:00

Belts. Women use belts an an accessory, guys use

A newlywed couple were on their honeymoon and were

There once a man who worked in a pickle factory.

A little old lady goes into the Chase Manhattan

The pentagon said they had too many generals running

Why was the washing machine laughing? Because

Bill Clinton calls his intern. ''Come into the

How can you tell if your girlfriend really likes

What was the working title for Mel Gibson's movie

Q: Did you hear about the Bill Clinton sale at clothing

Yo mama is so fat, she has to iron her pants on

Cross my heart this happened to someone. This guy

A guy heard from his doctor that masturbating before

If you and I were squirrels, could I bust

Every day I give thanks to the Goddess: I have

If the government is going to put health warning

One day the pre-school teacher said, “We're

An old man from a far off land was once on the

Q. Why did Frosty the Snowman pull down his pants?A.

    Johnny meets a girl on the street.

Harry and his wife are having hard financial times,

A little boy is playing with his new football and

    On preparing to return home

A Denton, Texas man was arrested for filing a false

A man is very ashamed of his penis because of the

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada

BETTER HOLD ON TO THOSE PANTIES...THEY COULD COME

A man is sitting next to a woman on a jet that

I did not do it in a car I did not do it

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed

15 - You spent Sunday night in jail for cow-tipping

Run one lap around the office at top speed

Jack tells his doctor how he can no longer sustain

A woman came up behind her husband while he was

1. Cover your stump before you hump. 2. Before

Dear __________________________,    

Crazy Mike the Biker walks into a pharmacy and

A newlywed couple on their honeymoon gets to the

A large, powerfully-built guy meets a woman at

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows the rancher says to Amy, "The artificial-insemination

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. 'Human beings are the only animals that

How The French Military uniform evolved A long time ago, the British and French were at War. During

A redneck farmer from back in the hills walked twelve miles, one way, to the general store. "Heya,

Maria had just got married and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding

A plane was taking off from Kennedy. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain

A blonde is roller-skating down the board-walk one day. She's just skating along in her lycra pants,

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns

Bad Metaphors from Stupid Student Essays (actually these are mostly similes, see Literary Terms) Her

I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Pal at Big W and standing inline at the check out. A

A Blonde Texan city girl, marries a Texas rancher. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows

TO: MR. JAMES THATCHER, BRAND MANAGER, PROCTER & GAMBLE. Dear Mr. Thatcher, I have been a loyal

"Late again," the third-grade teacher said to little Sammy. "It's not my fault, Miss Crabtree. You

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants. Marriage changes

A young couple on their wedding night were in their honeymoon suite. As they were undressing for bed,

Even if you aren't a skier, you'll be able to appreciate the humor of the slopes as written by a New

A five year old boy comes to visit his grandparents and notices his grandfather sitting on the porch,

your breasts must think i'm good lookin cause they keep lookin at me. Hey baby, you keep running

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their

There was a midget down in Texas whose testicles ached almost all the time. The midget went to

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the

Dear Mrs. Fenton, Over the past six months, your husband, Mr. Bill Fenton has been causing quite

A group of Kentucky second, third, and fourth graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on

Bill and Hillary are at a Yankees home game, sitting in the first row, With the Secret Service people

Signs Your Partner is Addicted to Internet Porn 1. During foreplay, he's always double-clicking

Two scottish nuns have just arrived in the USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.

According to the FBI, most modern-day bank robberies are "unsophisticated and unprofessional crimes,"

A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends. Every day they would sit

Investment tips for 2006.... for all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers

10. Your Viagra prescription includes a Popsicle stick and some duct tape. 9. The only 100% covered

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage

The Mr. Right Rejection Letter Form Dear [____rejectee's name here_____], I regret to inform

David Letterman's Top 10 reasons why there are no black NASCAR drivers: (I bet his life will be miserable

A man entered the bus with both of his front pants pockets full of golf balls, and sat down next to

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT: 1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is

Differential Theory of US Armed Forces (Snake Model) upon encountering a snake in the Area of Operations

Bill and Hillary are at the Yankee's World Series Game 6; sitting in the first row, with the Secret

Old Farmer Went To Town To See A Movie The Ticket Agent Asked, "sir, What's That On Your Shoulder?"

At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady truck up a conversation and

Sam and Bessie are senior citizens, and Sam has always wanted an expensive pair of alligator cowboy

A hillbilly went hunting one day in Oklahoma and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his

Amy, a blonde city girl, marries a farmer. One morning, on his way out to the fields, the farmer says

A guy took his blonde girl friend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls

Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and going into the woods. Curious, he follows

10 INDISPUTABLE TRUTHS BLACK PEOPLE KNOW, BUT WHITE PEOPLE WON'T ADMIT: 1. Elvis is dead. 2.

There were three boys all in third grade: an Asian boy, a Spanish boy and a redneck. They were trying

A man enters his favorite ritzy restaurant and while sitting at his regular table, he notices a gorgeous

1 . Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants. 2. Marriage changes

There was a midget down in Texas whose testicles hurt and ached almost all the time. The midget went

A friend just got back from a holiday ski trip to Utah with the kind of story that warms the cockles

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The

An office manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through

The Sheriff in a small Texas town walks out in the street and sees a blonde cowboy coming down the

A guy walks into a bar. He sits down at the end of the bar, next to another guy, who was the only

These are actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. Her face was a perfect oval,

A retired gentleman went to the social security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind

A wife arrived home from a shopping trip and was shocked to find her husband in bed with a lovely

Bob dies and goes to the pearly gates where he waits in line. As he draws closer he sees there are

Two old pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane by going back to the place where they first

THE VALUE OF UNDIES-- Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle... From

Colin was struggling to decide what to wear to go to a fancy costume party. Then he had a bright idea. When

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the

Gary and Martin were standing at the urinals in a public lavatory, when Gary glanced over and noticed

trucker hauling computers and accessories is driving down the highway late one night when he sees

Teacher asked her class to use 'definitely' in a sentence. Jane raised her hand and said, "The sky

The ambassador of a small African nation chanced to visit Russia, and was entertained by his opposite

A man was in a long line at the grocery store. As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten

Eager to try it out, he takes one as soon as he gets home, and waits for his wife to come home from

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the sea, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how TRUE this is! They actually have a chili

A man woke up every morning and passed gas. After about eight or nine years of marriage, his wife finally

One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying: "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and

An old man was in bed with his wife when suddenly he let out a loud fart. He yelled, "7 points!" His

A traveling salesman checked into a futuristic motel. Realizing he needed a haircut before his next

A sheriff walks into a saloon, and shouts for everyone's attention. "Has anyone seen Brown paper

On little Larry's first day of first grade, he raised his hand as soon as the teacher came into the

On preparing to return home from an out of town trip, a man got a small puppy as a present for his

A man and a woman are riding next to each other in first class. The man sneezes, pulls out his wang

Two men, sentenced to die in the electric chair on the same day, were led down to the room in which

"I've pulled you over for speeding, Ma'am. Could I see your drivers license?" "What's a license???"

A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $ 5,000 and feels really good about the

During camouflage training in Louisiana, a private disguised as a tree trunk had made a sudden move

A captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed

Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in the USA by boat and one says to the other, " I hear that the

A man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife