paper

When you are counting objects, you go "0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D...". When asked about a bus schedule,

1. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue. 2. Press any key to continue or any other key to

A printer consists of 3 main parts: The Jammed Paper Tray The Power Switch and The flashing red light Also......If

A man was ordered by his doctor to lose 75 lbs. due to very serious health risks. As he wondered how

A husband and wife were having breakfast. The husband was ensconced behind his morning paper."You had

Two Indians and a West Virginia Hillbilly were walking in the woods. All of a sudden, one of the Indians

Three guys died and went to heaven. St Paul was there looking down at the three of them, one is a reknowned

A man had been driving all night and by morning was still far from his destination. He decided to stop

A guy has a talking dog. He brings it to a talent scout. "This dog can speak English," he claims to the

There was this guy sunbathing in the nude at the beach. Well, this little girl comes up to him, so he

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him

Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the gate, the angel tells Ford,"Well, you've been such a good

A boy and a girl in a PAP Kindergarden.The teacher gave the children some homework to do at home, and

A tired traveler pulls into a hotel around midnight. Very tired after a long day's trip he asks the clerk

A guy went to a whore house for a piece of ass, but only had 5.00. The madam suggested that he go and

A few fraternity brothers needed to fill a science requirement in order to graduate, so they spent weeks

There's this guy who's in the market for a used motorcycle. Always wanted a nice big hog. So he's shopping

Stan and John are walking to school one day and

A rather attractive woman goes up to the register

Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving

Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front

FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS, CLASS OF 2003! First of all

Yo mama so ghetto, she washes paper plates.

A jock and a geek applying for the same job. The

A redneck taped toilet paper to his television. He

Three men were in a sauna. An Italian, a German,

What did the blonde say after college? "Will that

An Irish man with a crooked back walks into a coffee

This desperate guy named Jim goes to the whorehouse

Q: What''s the connection between The Star Trek

1. If being chased through town, you can usually

Three engineers were in the bathroom standing at

1. Lower corner of screen has the words "Etch-a-sketch"

What a woman says, what she really means... I

Why did the elephant bring toilet paper to a party? Becase

1. Your dog rides in your truck more than your

SICKNESS AND RELATED LEAVE: We will no longer

One day, an old lady went to the store to get some

Years of straining with poopie-ing, we can only

If you think no Christmas dinner is complete

An Auburn student spent a holiday in New Mexico

A pancake that has fallen on the kitchen floor

One day a secretary is leaving on her lunch break,

A woman goes to a plastic surgeon who specializes

How can you tell a plane is filled with actors? When

Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look

A few clues to being a true Louisianan: 1. Your

1. Leave permanent markers by the dry-erase board. 2.

A sardarji was working as editor in a daily newspaper.

Last semester I took macroeconomics and didn't

One day, a guy was approached by a rich man who

A 13 year-old old paperboy knocks on the door of

These are excuse notes from parents (with their

A mid 20's bachelor walks into a grocery store

Josi frequently attends his church Bingo club,

Jack and Betty are celebrating their 50th wedding

A man had a habit of buying things immediately

When I die, bury me deep. Plant some reefer,

Two guys are in a bar. "Hey, I've got an idea

This guy walks into a bar with his golden retriever.

You're so skinny that you use dental floss as toilet

* Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people

A man is sitting on a bench in the park reading

There once was a little kid named Billy who loved

Q: What do the Starship Enterprise & toilet paper

One day three women went camping - a blonde, a

One day a miserable toothbrush sits down and says,

One day in class, the teacher told everyone to

This guy goes to the doctors office and tells the

1.Stick your palm open under the stall wall and

Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle

A mafioso's son sits at his desk writing a Christmas

An old couple is on a walk, when a pigeon flies

This really fat guy wanted to lose weight. He tried

Once there was a blonde who really needed some

One day Pinocchio came to Gepetto with a problem.

There was a guy on a golf course that he had never

Back in the days of cowboys and Indians, toilet

A woman was being raped by an escaped mental patient.

A newspaper reporter went to interview an old man

1.Come out of the stall with wet hands. 2.Pour

When the toilet paper of experience is depleted,

A drunken man staggered into a Catholic church,

A man was reading the paper when an ad caught his

A sexy lady in a bar walks up to the counter and

What's black and white and red all over? A newspaper!

Do you know how to cook toilet paper? Brown

Father Murphy was a very poor priest in a very

A man walks into a bar and sits down right across

There once was a captain of a ship, and everyday

A preacher wanted to raise money for his church

A woman had been married so many times she was

One night a man walked into a bar with a brown

There once was a lady who was tired of living alone.

One day Bill complained to his friend that his

A news reporter decided to do a column on old Southern

A little boy went to the bathroom at school, but

A man took a poop in a gas station and then realized

What did the dog say when it sat on sandpaper?

ARKANSAS STATE RESIDENCY APPLICATION Name:

Your mama's so poor, she has to rinse & reuse toilet

A mother had three daughters and at their weddings

A Canadian was in France, out of his wallet he

Bill Clinton and the Pope die on the same day,

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on an

The Perfect Dump -- Every once in a while, each

A student is taking his final exams. He takes his

10) When people go the speed limit in the fast

Last night I got temporary amnesia and I totally

MAN: I'd like to buy some dog food. CHECKOUT LADY:

You're so ugly, you had to wear a paper sack to

There was this woman who wanted bigger boobs. So

Always take the time to smell the roses... and

A fellow was ordered to lose 75 pounds, due to

Q: What did Shakespeare say while he was shopping

A woman keeps asking her husband if her boobs are

A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus

Did you hear about the constipated accountant?

Words can't describe your outfit, so I'll just

There was a man whose elbow hurt so he told his

One night three guys wanted to rob a bank. They

A blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise

A man was grocery shopping one day when he passed

A blonde co-ed is looking at a bulletin board and

How many men does it take to change a roll of

Bob, a lawyer, was driving home over the Golden

Yo Mama is so skinny, that you had to use dental

A man was relaxing with his evening paper, when

There once was this deacon and this preacher, and

Ghost Poopie- The kind where you feel the poopie

How many men does it take to wallpaper a room?

There was a hound dog laying in the yard and an

A little boy is walking along on a nude beach.

You don't have to put cream in your coffee to

There was a woman who got married. Her husband

There is this couple, and the wife is very self

A guy in a supermarket goes up to the cashier and

Q: Why did the deaf blonde sit on a newspaper?

One time, back in the day, a boy named Johnny was

Belts. Women use belts an an accessory, guys use

Jon and Dan were in a mental institution. This

There was a young country boy who was very bright.

A man was heading to England and his next-door

''Add this up for me. A ton of sawdust, a ton of

You might be a redneck if your toilet paper has

This guy has always dreamed of owning a Harley

A man who smelled like a distillery flopped down

Some pretty 'useful' phrases you, too, can use

The lineage is finally revealed. Many people are

I called a company and asked to speak to Bob.

    BOOK is a revolutionary breakthrough in

   As you grow older, what lost

A fellow bought a new Corvette and was out on an

A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked

"I'm going fishing." Really means... "I'm going

When the ark's door was closed, Noah called a meeting

    On preparing to return home

Are you considering having children? To determine

    A young reporter once covered

1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well-lighted

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and

Sitting by the window in her convent, Sister Anne

A judge asks a defendant to please stand. "You

-It is always possible to park directly outside

Remember the book "Men are from Mars, Women are

"Yes" = No "No" = Yes "Maybe"

Three nuns die and go to heaven where they are

Run one lap around the office at top speed

    For all you guys out there who

A woman came up behind her husband while he was

MICROSOFT NEWS RELEASE: It has come to our attention

Last name: ________________ First name (check

    Dear Son,    

Four men, an Engineer, an Accountant, a Chemist

One day, Jeffrey complained to his friend, "My

If you want someone who will bring you the paper without first tearing it apart to remove the sports

Dress Code: 1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary. 2) If we see

A drunk man who smelled like booze sat down on a bench next to a priest. The man's tie was stained,

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the

In the past, employees were permitted to make trips to the restroom under informal guidelines. Effective

A young Southern boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 of the way through the semester, he has foolishly

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide

Dress Code: 1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary. 2) If we see

In a small mid western conservative town, a new bar/tavern started a building to open up their business.

The Best and Worst Comments Received: "Text is useless. I use it to kill roaches in my room."

When you are counting objects, you go "0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D...". When asked about a bus schedule,

A woman was unhappy with the way her laundry was done at the local Chinese Laundry, so she wrote a

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your

Dear Internal Revenue Service: Enclosed you will find my 2006 tax return showing that I owe $3,407.00 in

As You Slide Down the Banister of Life, Remember: 1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an

Even if you aren't a skier, you'll be able to appreciate the humor of the slopes as written by a New

A newlywed couple returned to their apartment after being on their honeymoon. "Care to go upstairs

Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss, But I only slept with you, because I was pissed. I

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by kids) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff.

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow?

1.Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue. 2.Press any key to continue or any other key to quit. 3.Press

After working for years, a hooker finally retired and, being afraid of spending the rest of her life

Dear Mrs. Fenton, Over the past six months, your husband, Mr. Bill Fenton has been causing quite

DINING OUT 1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly

Here's a prime example of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus" offered by an English professor

A little old lady goes into the store to do some shopping. She is bewildered over the large selection

You might be a redneck if .... You've ever had Thanksgiving dinner on a Ping-Pong table. Thanksgiving

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.

Well after all the witch hunts over the years by the French trying to prove he was using illegal substances.....they

Two doctors opened offices in a small town and put up a sign reading, "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry

Two Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods. All of a sudden one of the Indians ran

Little Tommy was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything; tutors, flash cards,

Tired of being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decides to solve both problems

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia formally

The new employee stood before the paper shredder looking confused. "Need some help?" a secretary

The following are new Windows messages that are under consideration for the Windows XP: 1. Enter

After a night on the town, a young woman brought a new friend home for a late-night drink. "You can't

[The year would not be complete without the Darwin Awards - awarded every year to the persons who

Pinocchio had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about splinters when they were having

In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the day. During that time we regret that you

Some people say that I'm superficial, but that's just on the surface. On one hand, I'm indecisive;

Three old Italian spinsters die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of sh*t . 2. I don't know what your

1. Jesse Jackson, Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called "Ministers

One day, the teacher walks into her classroom and announces to the class that on each Friday, she will

A man decides to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me.

I once received a fax with a note on the bottom to fax the document back to the sender when I was

Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border. The Italian Customs Officer stops them

1. Never take a beer to a job interview. 2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting

Essential NEW WORDS FOR 2004 editions for the work-place vocabulary: BLAMESTORMING Sitting around

25. Come up with 50 new shades of gray for Martha Stewart Paints. 24. Start marketing new "Martha

A woman answered her front door and found two little boys holding a list. "Lady," one of them explained,

I promise you cannot read these and not laugh out loud! These are real notes written from parents

This is a test for men only and all "real men" will answer "C" to all of these questions. However,

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not live forever, because

1. "I can't find it." MEANS: It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I am completely clueless.

These are actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. Her face was a perfect oval,

On the night of their 40th anniversary the reminiscing wife finds the negligee she wore on her wedding

- You only know three spices - salt, pepper and ketchup. - You design your Halloween costume to

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats are. The first man was an Engineer, the second

ABBOT: Ultimate Super Duper Computer Store. Can I help you? COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up

(Internal Revenue Service, an agency of the government to whom Americans pay taxes on their salary.) --Always

DRESS CODE It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you

The chief of staff of the US Army decided that he would personally intervene in the recruiting crisis

I live in Texas. I also have two friends that are blonde and sisters. One day, they approached

Two guys immigrate to America. On their first day off the boat they are wandering around New York

A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next to a priest. The drunk's

Three men - an American, a Japanese and an Irishman - were sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly there

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm.

Bob, a lawyer, was driving home over the Golden Gate Bridge after spending a great day on the ocean

One night, Pinnochio's girlfriend says to him, "This stinks. Every time we make love I get splinters." So

Tom, Dick and Harry were in the pub, a week before Xmas, enjoying a few quiet drinks, when they decided

Add It Up: Relationship Guide For all you guys out there who just can't figure it out, here it is:

Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the big table he looks into his small bowl.

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The salesgirl notices him and asks

Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view. The fact that no one

At the Urinal, An accountant, a lawyer and a cowboy were standing side-by-side using the urinal. The

This woman goes to a pet store to purchase some dog food. She puts the bag of food up on the counter

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to

A woman came up behind her husband while he was enjoying his morning coffee and slapped him on the back

A new Mercedes owner was out on an interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze

A driver is pulled over by a policeman. Man: Is there a problem Officer? Officer: Sir, you were

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly

One day, the teacher walks into her classroom and announces to the class that on each Friday, she will

This an interactive joke, so have a piece of paper and pen handy. A blonde woman walks into an auto

Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, dies and goes to heaven. At the gates,

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman

A man traveling by plane was in urgent need of a restroom facility. But each time he tried, it was

A sheriff walks into a saloon, and shouts for everyone's attention. "Has anyone seen Brown paper

On preparing to return home from an out of town trip, a man got a small puppy as a present for his

A Polish man was walking down the street, carrying a brown paper bag. He ran into one of his friends,

Curly is appearing for his University final examination which consists of Y/N type questions. He

Three men are sitting naked in the sauna. Suddenly there is a beeping sound. The first man presses

In the old Wild West, a Eastern newspaper correspondent had just arrived in a new Western town when

A Mexican newspaper reports that bored Royal Air Force pilots stationed on the Falkland Islands have

Two women that are dog owners are arguing about which dog is smarter.... First Woman : "My dog is

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained,

After driving for about six hours, a trucker decides to pull over and sleep for a little while. As

A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $ 5,000 and feels really good about the

A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he wants to buy a pet that can do everything. The

A woman was cleaning her attic with her cat by her side for company. Amongst the boxes and old papers

A man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife