perfect

An old woman dying in her old mans hand. Old man begs doctor for some help and says: -Please help,

A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away.She protested, "But we don't

A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!"I grabbed my stuff,

A wife arrived home from a shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed naked, with a

A Texan, a Californian, and Oregonian are out riding horses. The Texan pulls out an expensive bottle

Between the ages of 15 - 20 a woman is like Africa.She is half discovered, half wild.Between the ages

God was talking to Adam one day when Adam begins

Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving

1. If being chased through town, you can usually

A man hated his wife's cat and he decided to get

Valentines Day is here again, and with it the perfect

I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I

My genitals are so gigantic, and yours so woefully

It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered

What's the perfect break-up present to send someone

The Keith Richards: Smoked lungfish on a toasted

I think Santa Claus is a woman... I hate to be

More beer. More cheese. More sex. Vitamin fortified

Q: What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving? A:

AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18) You have an inventive

God, Jesus and John the Baptist are playing golf

A gynecologist was getting sick of his job and

As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection. A thick

An eighty-year-old man is sitting on a park bench,

What is the perfect wife? A good-looking, sex-starved

A man moved into a new apartment, and he decided

There once was a little kid named Billy who loved

1) Large, loft-style apartments in New York City

5. Does this look infected to you? 4. Would

What is Michael Jackson's idea of a perfect 10?

A traveling salesman checked into a futuristic

Q: My fiancee still has feelings for his old girlfriends.

Albert Einstein used to go to dinners where he

A man went to a gift store to buy his girlfriend

John, who was in financial difficulty, walked into

We all know those cute symbols made with keyboard

There was a perfect man and a perfect woman. They

A man was reading the paper when an ad caught his

A blonde has been working in a broom factory since

A soldier at the Pentagon got out of the shower,

Three guys die and end up at the gates of heaven,

A reverend was walking in a big city park, when

ARIES (Mar 21-Apr 19) You are the pioneer type

A man decided to spend the night with a prostitute.

Many women are afraid of their first mammogram,

It was flooding in California. As the flood waters

A man was eating in a fancy restaurant, and there

There once was a man with a bald head and a pegleg

Little Johnny walked in one day on his daddy in

The Perfect Dump -- Every once in a while, each

A man had an idea that could make him rich. After

A mystery-lover takes his place in the theater

Words can't describe your outfit, so I'll just

Eye halve a spelling chequer It came with my pea

One day, a blonde went to go get lessons on how

Finally, something other than smiley faces....

SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction,

Q: What is the definition of the perfect woman?

Bill Gates dies, and ascends to the Pearly Gates

Two rednecks are driving down the highway, drinking

There once a man who worked in a pickle factory.

If Oracle made toasters... They'd claim their

A little old lady goes into the Chase Manhattan

This guy has always dreamed of owning a Harley

All-Purpose Excuse Form, designed to get you out

Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically

Joe was moderately successful in his career, but

"I'm going fishing." Really means... "I'm going

A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny

The perfect man is gentle, And never cruel or mean. He

    Yes, it's hard to believe, but

I want to be a kid again. I want to go back to

This is a true story from the WordPerfect helpline.

    A sixty-four-year-old man is

From an article in the Wall Street Journal, about

Malamute x Pointer = Moot Point, favorites of lawyers

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail and tripped over a large snake and fell,

1. Men are NOT mind readers. 2. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put

You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." Winston Churchill "A modest

Bad Metaphors from Stupid Student Essays (actually these are mostly similes, see Literary Terms) Her

I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Pal at Big W and standing inline at the check out. A

"Doctor," the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore. "Mr.

Last week my tie caught on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with an ax! I met the surgeon general.

Three women were sitting around talking about their sex lives. The first said, "I think my husband's

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants. Marriage changes

Even if you aren't a skier, you'll be able to appreciate the humor of the slopes as written by a New

On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons. Early one morning, the woman

Golf balls are like eggs. They're white, they're sold by the dozen, and every week you have to buy more. A

A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the

A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror while her husband reads in bed. "I feel horrible,

There was a midget down in Texas whose testicles ached almost all the time. The midget went to

A friend of mine has a big Labrador retriever. While I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, and

"An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they

You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track. Logic is a systematic method

Bill had always been a prankster. As each of his friends were married, Bill made sure some type of

One beautiful December evening Pepito and his girlfriend Pepita were sitting by the side of the ocean.

The coach had put together the perfect team for the New Orleans Saints. The only thing missing was

Here is a chicken recipe that also includes the use of popcorn as a stuffing - imagine that! When

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage

1972: Long hair 2002: Longing for hair 1972: The perfect high 2002: The perfect high yield mutual

--Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife

This is true !! It details what to do if an anaconda attacks you. Excerpt is from the US Government

After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride Virginia, Luigi stopped by his old

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and

I think Santa Claus is a woman .... I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's

George Carlin Speaks Out... I Am Your Worst Nightmare. I am a BAD American. I am George Carlin. I

A wife arrived home from a shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed naked, with

One night a blonde nun was praying in her room when God appeared before her. "My daughter, you have

It was Saturday night and the preacher still hadn't been able to think of a sermon for the next morning.

Little Johnny 's next door neighbors had a baby. Unfortunately, the little baby was born with no ears. When

Two rednecks are driving down the highway, drinking their beer, when flashing lights from a policeman

(This is supposedly a true story.) If you have children you will probably relate to this father.

1 . Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants. 2. Marriage changes

There was a midget down in Texas whose testicles hurt and ached almost all the time. The midget went

A friend just got back from a holiday ski trip to Utah with the kind of story that warms the cockles

A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff,

Cinderella is now 95 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits

The Doctor said: "The good news is I can cure your headaches...The bad news is that it will require

John Madden was in Dallas to announce a football game one weekend when he noticed a special telephone

If you recall the old Hollywood Squares show, this will bring a tear to your eyes. They are worth

Students in an advanced biology class were taking a mid-term. The last question, worth 70 points or

1. "I can't find it." MEANS: It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I am completely clueless.

These are actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. Her face was a perfect oval,

3 contractors are in a bar after work enjoying a cold one, when a truck crashes into the bar killing

1. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards,

You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop, and you see

A wife arrived home from a shopping trip and was shocked to find her husband in bed with a lovely

These questions about Canada were posted on an international tourism website and obviously the answers

God and Adam are talking in the Garden of Eden one day and God asks "How are you doing?" Adam replies

The Army Airborne major was used to harassment from Air Force fliers about crazy Army paratroopers

A group of girlfriends are on vacation, when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads, "For

At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on her idea of the perfect mate to some of her

A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone (a male

One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual Christmas gift for

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. 2. Learn to work the toilet seat; if

Blonde Boater A True Story Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an

1. When you run away in the middle of a perfectly good leg humping. 2. Blaming your

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his

A traveling salesman checked into a futuristic motel. Realizing he needed a haircut before his next

A fellow comes to confession. "Father," he said, "forgive me for I have sinned." The priest asked,

There was a preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance that he could get, he could be found on the

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail, and he tripped over a large snake and fell,

A very attractive young lady was sitting in a fine restaurant one night. Waiting for her date as

A ninety-year-old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, when a young man walks by and asks him what's

There was a pilot flying a small single engine charter plane, with a couple of very important executives

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for all the major status figures in Rome, Italy.

There were two evil brothers. They were rich, and used their money to keep their ways from the public