person

Gordon Brown, George Bush and Saparmurat Niyazov are flying to a world economic summit. Saparmurat looks

US Presidential nominee Barack Obama may have beaten Hillary Clinton but he has lost a Gmail id by his

Enough with the Poking, Lets Just Have Sex He pokes her, she pokes him, they poke each other back

This story occurred on Melbourne radio. One of the stations has a competition where they ring someone

A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions

This one is long but well worth reading!In case your frustration level rises today, this is for everyone

Michael Jordan made over $300,000 a game. That equals $10,000 a minute, at an average of 30 minutes per

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats

A young man called John died and he went to Heaven to begin his afterlife journey. However, he was stopped

A person visited the government matchmaker for marriage, SDU, and requested, "I am looking for a spouse.

TEACHER: Why are you late?WEBSTER: Because of the sign.TEACHER: What sign?WEBSTER: The one that says,

At a seminar called "Stress and Disease" by Dr. Nickolas Hall, an expert in psychobiology, gave an example

There's this guy who's in the market for a used motorcycle. Always wanted a nice big hog. So he's shopping

How many Whigs does it take to light an oil lamp? One,

What do you call a person who likes to hang around

Mark your calendar with the multitude of holidays

A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush

Here are the top nine comments made by sports commentators

What''s that over there? Not a bull, but a person

A guy dies and goes to heaven. His tour guide starts

A blonde is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory.

God was talking to Adam one day when Adam begins

1. Gain weight. At least 30 pounds. 2. Stop exercising.

Cindy Lou Edleman Performs Quality Sexual Favors

A British doctor, a German doctor and an American

1. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead

Person 1: Did you know saddam has a bounty on his

How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb? ââ,¬Å"Such

George and Laura Bush were on a private jet en

Saddam Hussein was sitting down wondering who to

1. If being chased through town, you can usually

A secretary for a foreign embassy was entertaining

Eddie went shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally

Two men were hunting in the woods when, all of

Once a blonde went to the library to get a book.

Dear Tech Support: Last year I upgraded from

"I believe Men and Fish can coexist together peacfully." "I

1. ââ,¬Å"If my heart were a baked potato,

Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the

It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered

Schizophrenia: Do You Hear What I Hear? Multiple

Fifty Ways To Annoy Osama bin Laden If You're Invited

If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company,

1) Pretend to be one of the Bush family. Doesn't

(tip: don't try these if you're not willing to

Q: What does a drummer use for contraception? A:

Here's what the heck they mean in the Lone Star

Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look

10. Their company logo: two tin cans and a length

More beer. More cheese. More sex. Vitamin fortified

In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller,

Whether the cause is a previous night of drinking

ART FART= it's such a beauty you want to immortalize

John Rocker was on a NY subway and many people

Advantages 1. It can get really weird 2. Someone

1. Your dog rather rub up against the wall than

What do you call a mentally disabled person in

A private was serving duties at his barracks in

An office exec was interviewing a blonde for an

So, a gay man goes to church one Sunday. As the

A man moved into a new apartment, and he decided

Definition of a Lawyer: A person who puts two men

* Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people

1) Large, loft-style apartments in New York City

Three men, an Scot, an English man and a sumo wrestler

A man dies and goes to Hell. The devil greets him. "You

One Sunday, a priest asked one of the church janitor

This guy buys a new motorcycle. The salesperson

John, who was in financial difficulty, walked into

What's the difference between a person trying to

Q: What is worse than ten dead people in one trashcan?

A newspaper reporter went to interview an old man

1.Come out of the stall with wet hands. 2.Pour

1: You tell them that you went to the museum, saw

Sleeping Beauty, Hercules and Don Juan are sitting

A man is riding aimlessly through the desert on

A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel.

A man dies and goes to Hell. The devil offers to

A soldier at the Pentagon got out of the shower,

This Story is true!!! For all of you who occasionally

There was a soldier that enlisted in the army to

A grade school teacher comes into class one morning

Q: What is your date of birth? A: July fifteenth.

So this new bar opens and the owner can't think

St. Peter and God talking. God says, "St. Peter,

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.

A group of doctors were at a convention in Switzerland.

One day there were four people absent from class.

Horace was born with only one arm but he managed

Following a tragic boating accident, a husband

1. Ride mechanical horses with coins fished out

A twenty-five-year-old man walks into a bar and

A man came in to heaven and God wanted to go on

One day, Saint Peter called up to Heaven Bill Clinton,

How many lawyers does it take to change a light

Artery: Study of paintings Bacteria: Backdoor

After a really good party a man walks into a bar

Hillary Clinton died and went to Heaven. St. Peter

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that. 2.

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and

But everybody looks funny naked! You woke me

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison.

Last week I took some friends out to a restaurant,

Q. What is the diference between like and love?

Words can't describe your outfit, so I'll just

1. When the elevator doors close, exclaim loudly

* We got off the Titanic first. * We can scare

1) You try to enter your password on the microwave.

Person 1: Knock, Knock Person 2: Who''s there?

There was this guy named John that went to heaven.

The ability to tell a person to go to hell in such

One night a robber broke into a home and heard

There are approximately two billion children (persons

There was a dentist, an electrician, a salesperson,

These two persons are discussing whether the state

A man wanted to buy his wife a unique birthday

There were three men standing at the Pearly Gates

A blonde wanted to buy personalized license plates

John went on vacation to Helopisa. As soon as he

A dying man gathered his best friends - a lawyer,

WASHINGTON STATE ATTORNEY SEASON AND BAG LIMITS

Q: What do lawyers use as contraceptives? A:

An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but

A blonde is walking down the street with a pig

A telemarketer was trying to make a particularly

Two blondes are walking down the street when one

* It can be up or down. It's more fun when it's

I did not kill my lovely wife. I did not slash

1. Your reason for not staying in touch with family

These individual quotes were reportedly taken from

10. You're guaranteed to get at least a little

1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or

1) Spend all day at a fast food restaurant, seeing

10) Pretend you don't speak English. 9) Say

A little old lady goes into the Chase Manhattan

There was a young country boy who was very bright.

A man was heading to England and his next-door

Q: How does a crazy person travel through the woods?

A dentist is talking to his patient about the sanitary

A survey of top personnel executives of 100 major

Q: What do lawyers use as contraceptives? A: Their

This guy has always dreamed of owning a Harley

Q: What do lawyers use for birth control?A: Their personalities.

A man in a bar has a couple of beers, and the bartender

    White House staffers were perplexed

A milkman was delivering on his round when he came

Adam was walking around the garden of Eden, moping.

At the 1994 annual awards dinner given for Forensic

As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I can get

A mortician was working late one night. It was

I called a company and asked to speak to Bob.

    BOOK is a revolutionary breakthrough in

Due to widespread panic about the Y2K bug, Internet

Joe was moderately successful in his career, but

A guy dies and goes to heaven. It's a slow day

    Dick Cheney, President Bush

1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB -- $850/offer AMANA

    Johnny meets a girl on the street.

A women desperately looking for work goes into

1. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

    With Viagra such a hit, Pfizer

The following letters were taken from an actual

Breakfast: 1/2 grapefruit 1 slice whole wheat

A man who was a little slow was visiting his wife

Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group discussing

"COMPETITIVE SALARY"  We remain

But Doctor, You HAVE To! In Turkey, Mehmet Esirgen, 52,

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates

10) You are guaranteed to get at least a little

A secretary for a foreign embassy was entertaining

One Sunday a pastor asked his congregation to consider

    Psychologists have discovered

    Yes, it's hard to believe, but

You learned to swim about the same time Jaws

-It is always possible to park directly outside

$ Michael Jordan having "retired,"

Q: Where does an Irish person go on a vacation?

Monica Lewinsky virus: Sucks all the memory

    Curators at India's Baroda Museum

Why did the chicken cross the road? KINDERGARTEN

Remember the book "Men are from Mars, Women are

Which Valentine's Day gift would you like? To determine

There has been a recent discovery among archives

15 - You spent Sunday night in jail for cow-tipping

An FM station has a competition where they ring

    The following information was

Run one lap around the office at top speed

"I'm hungry." = I'm hungry. "I'm

Ã, Ã, Ã,  Reaching the end of a job interview,

    For all you guys out there who

ASTROLOGY: tells us about you and your future

No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize

Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling

From an article in the Wall Street Journal, about

Dear __________________________,    

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED: 1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats. 2)

Dress Code: 1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary. 2) If we see

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady

Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she

Find out what those dating terms really mean ATTRACTION..... the act of associating horniness with

Dear employee: As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for all department areas, we are

A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crab. A female crew member took the

1. Men are NOT mind readers. 2. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put

BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a CHANGE! The chicken

Genuine extracts from Letters Sent to Landlords: I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's

On his way out of church after mass, Frank stopped at the door to speak to the minister. "Would it

One of the best marksmen in the FBI was passing through a small town. Everywhere he saw evidences

In the early 20th Century, Thomas Edison was spreading the word about electricity. Once, while

Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this computer virus. It

A US Air Force C-141 is scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland at midnight. During the pilot's

An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new

In the past, employees were permitted to make trips to the restroom under informal guidelines. Effective

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." Winston Churchill "A modest

1. What are you thinking about? 2. Do you love me? 3. Do I look fat in this? 4. Do you think

Dress Code: 1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary. 2) If we see

The Pope just finished a tour of the East Coast and was taking a limousine to the airport. Since he'd

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined

Me: Hello. AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T. Me: Is this AT&T? AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T. Me: This is

Rules for hunting lawyers Washington state attorney season and bag limits -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1300.01

Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all talking one day. Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe

Congress Votes to Outsource Presidency, Washington, DC (AP) Congress today announced that the office

Prior to our wedding, David and I met with the minister to discuss our marriage ceremony and various

A Japanese company ( Toyota ) and an American company (General Motors decided to have a canoe race

To a person in the US, it is anybody from the South. To somebody in the South, it is anybody in

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. Garden

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your

A woman named Jill stood up at her church's Testimony Meeting one Sunday morning, took the microphone

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants. Marriage changes

A lady walked into a Lexus dealership just to browse. Suddenly, she spotted the most beautiful car

A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at a

One day little Johnny went to school. His teacher said they were going to play a game. She would place

This coming week is National Mental Health Care week. You can do your part by remembering to contact

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by kids) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff.

In a small town in alabama, joe bob decides it's time for his cousin, 19 year-old Billy Bob, to learn

During a visit to a hospital for the mentally infirm, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow?

# 10 Life is sexually transmitted. # 9 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which

1. Illiterate? Write today for free help. 2. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try

"Hillary Clinton's 506-page memoirs has come out. So much of her personality shines through, that

Before the 2001 inauguration of George Bush, he was invited to a get-acquainted tour of the White

It's out! Brand new edition of... "You know you're A redneck when......" 1. You take your dog for

Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his

Slap Your Co-Worker Day is Coming!! May 22 is the official Slap Your Irritating Co-workers Holiday:

DINING OUT 1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly

The Washington Post asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting,

Here's a prime example of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus" offered by an English professor

On his way out of church, Frank stopped at the door to speak to the minister. "Would it be right,"

Having a rough day? Just in case you've had a rough day, here's a stress management technique recommended

This not a widely known fact, mainly because of the little-known popularity of the celebrity involved.

We've all had the annoying experience of calling up a hotline and waiting on the phone for eons to

Try this... On your way home from work, stop at a pharmacy and purchase a rectal thermometer made

I, __________________________, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started. During

In case you have been waiting breathlessly for this year's Darwin Awards, here they are. The awards

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats

Personal Ads That Were Probably NEVER Answered SWM: Roommate needed for six bedroom north side condo. $800/month

Dear Employee: As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we are forced

A Somali arrives in Minneapolis as a new immigrant to the United States. He stops the first person

No matter what you do or where you go, you're always going to be yourself. And Panexa knows this. Your

I really wanted to send out some sort of holiday greeting but it is so difficult in today's world to

Subject: PRESIDENTIAL LIBRARY DESTROYED BY FLOOD ... GEORGE W. BUSH PRESIDENTIAL LIBRARY DESTROYED

1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear? 2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Queens

A company had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Management said, "Someone might steal from

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: 1 October 2005 RE: Christmas

History began some 12,000 years ago.(Actually, it was 40,000 years ago.) Humans existed as members

And your crybaby whinny opinion would be...? This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting. I

10. Guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack. 9. If you get tired, wait 10 minutes

Save all manner of bacon grease. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let

Smart Ass Answer #5: A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As

The Mr. Right Rejection Letter Form Dear [____rejectee's name here_____], I regret to inform

An Irishman an Englishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar in Sydney. The view was fantastic,

From : Managing Director To : Executive Director "Tomorrow morning there will be a total eclipse

The Law of Volunteering" If you dance with a grizzly bear, you had better let him lead. "The Law

* Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong. * Keep skunks and bankers and

The Center for Disease Control has issued a warning about a new virulent strain of Sexually Transmitted

It is with the saddest heart that I have to pass on the following news about a great American icon.. Veteran

From: Chief of Operations Subject: Proper Narrative Descriptions It has come to our attention from

This was developed as an age test by an R&D department at Harvard University. Take your time and

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. 2. One tequila, two tequila, three

1.) Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. 2.) If

If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise. - Unknown Some days you're the dog; some

This is an actual job application that a 17 year old boy submitted to McDonald's in Florida... and

A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded,

Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyerwitz loses $500 on a single

[The year would not be complete without the Darwin Awards - awarded every year to the persons who

Man "Haven't we met before?" Woman "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic." Man "Haven't

I. There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa

SCHIZOPHRENIA: Do you Hear What I Hear? MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER: We Three Kings Disoriented

Some of us Southerners are pretty skeptical of horoscopes and the people that read them. If we are

In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the day. During that time we regret that you

Accountant - Someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing. Auditor - Someone

Once again, The Washington Post published its yearly contest in which readers are asked to supply

The preacher's Sunday sermon was "Forgive Your Enemies." He asked how many of the congregation have

Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has

Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Congress said

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of sh*t . 2. I don't know what your

WASHINGTON, DC (AP) - Congress approved sweeping legislation, which provides new benefits for many

10 INDISPUTABLE TRUTHS BLACK PEOPLE KNOW, BUT WHITE PEOPLE WON'T ADMIT: 1. Elvis is dead. 2.

One day, a shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same

What the Job Ad says & What it means: Advancement opportunity: Sh*t job Entry level Really

It is with the saddest heart that I have to pass on the following news about a great American icon.. Veteran

Who says cops don't have a sense of humor? The following were taken off of actual police car videos

The story behind the letter below is that there is this nutball in Newport, Rhode Island named Scott

Attached is some correspondence which actually occurred between a London hotel's staff and one of

Picture yourself near a stream. Birds are softly chirping in the crisp, cool, mountain air.

Here's why . According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were kids in the 40's,

Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border. The Italian Customs Officer stops them

1. Never take a beer to a job interview. 2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young

World's thinnest Books available at a bookstore near you. FRENCH WAR HEROES by Jacques Chirac HOW

This year, I resolve to ... 1. Gain weight. At least 30 pounds. 2. Stop exercising. Waste of time. 3.

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of

Dear Tech Support: Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slow down

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the present time, it is worth reflecting on

Modern medicine has come up with some great new stuff to make life easier ...: St. Mom's Wort ~

I hope that this will once again confirm that the most important information in your life won't come

Essential NEW WORDS FOR 2004 editions for the work-place vocabulary: BLAMESTORMING Sitting around

1 . Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants. 2. Marriage changes

In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the back of

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. Gardening

1. Okay, okay! I take it back. Unf*ck you. 2. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing. 3. Well,

Some of us Southerners are pretty skeptical of horoscopes and the people that read them. If we are

An investment counselor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept

In a small town in Tennessee, Big Bubba decides it's time for his son, 18 year old Billy Bob, to

A US Air Force C-141 was scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland at midnight. During the pilot's

Despite how you may have personally felt about the issue, there was a good logical reason for removing

There's an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery.

The Doctor said: "The good news is I can cure your headaches...The bad news is that it will require

An eighteen-year-old Italian girl tells her mom that she has missed her period for two months. Very

Two cars were waiting at a stoplight. The light turned green, but the man didn't notice it. A woman

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not live forever, because

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. 2. If

1. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards,

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto

After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for a younger woman. The house was in his name

The Washington Post's Style Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary,

DRESS CODE It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you

A woman desperately looking for work went into a factory. The personnel manager looked over her resume

A lawyer died and arrived at the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter asked him, "What have you done to merit

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of

Bob dies and goes to the pearly gates where he waits in line. As he draws closer he sees there are

I took some friends out to dinner last week, and I noticed a spoon in the shirt pocket of our waiter

Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what

The chief of staff of the US Army decided that he would personally intervene in the recruiting crisis

What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever. What do attorneys use for birth control? Their

This memo is to announce the development of a new software system which will be Year 2000 compliant.

10. Golfer: Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake! Caddy: Think you can keep your head down

I live in Texas. I also have two friends that are blonde and sisters. One day, they approached

An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he has never

Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room with only a table and

The staff at a local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's

One day, Jesus and the Devil were both working on their computers. Jesus was typing away. The Devil

A man walked into a therapist's office looking very depressed. "Doc, you've got to help me. I can't

Add It Up: Relationship Guide For all you guys out there who just can't figure it out, here it is:

MARKETING: You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in

A "Kinder, Gentler System" Sony has announced its own computer operating system now available on

You might be a Redneck Jedi if..... you ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with y'all." your

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young Engineer fresh out

ATTRACTION - the act of associating horniness with a particular person. LOVE AT 1st SIGHT - what

This memo is from an unnamed computer company. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how TRUE this is! They actually have a chili

There is an opening for a secretarial position. The man conducting the interviews asks each candidate

A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years. On this visit

It was a sunny Saturday morning on the course and I was beginning my pre-shot routine, visualizing

A man and a woman are riding next to each other in first class. The man sneezes, pulls out his wang

Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price, but it's missing a

Bill and Moe had started with only five hundred dollars between them, but they had built up a computer

Morris the matchmaker approached a single woman and told her he had a husband for her. "I'm ashamed

Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam, "What is wrong with

A defendant was on trial for murder in Oklahoma. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, and as they had not been dating

There was this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery.

An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had

A lonely frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and asked what his future holds. His Personal

A man walked into a therapists office looking very depressed, "Doc, you've got to help me. I can't

An airline captain was helping a new blonde flight attendant prepare for her first overnight trip. Upon