phone

When you are counting objects, you go "0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D...". When asked about a bus schedule,

A man was ordered by his doctor to lose 75 lbs. due to very serious health risks. As he wondered how

A husband and wife were having breakfast. The husband was ensconced behind his morning paper."You had

The man came home drunk at four in the morning, and his wife was all over him, yelling at him, crying

This one is long but well worth reading!In case your frustration level rises today, this is for everyone

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see

Ah huay went for a job interview, and when the manager saw him wearing a colorful shirt, golden hair,

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter."What are you

A telephone rang, and someone picked it up.A voice from the other side said, "Is your number 444 444

A blonde dials 911 to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her

A married couple was watching the show, "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?" Atthe end of the show, the

At a seminar called "Stress and Disease" by Dr. Nickolas Hall, an expert in psychobiology, gave an example

John had just won first prize at a cat show and had received a 10-day cruise to the Puerto Rico. The

RelationshipsWhen a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.

An elderly lady phoned her telephone company to

Three hicks were working on a telephone tower -

How do amoebas keep in touch? With cell phones.

A Blonde goes to a barber and asks for a haircut.

Worldââ,¬â"¢s thinnest books 20. BEAUTY

One day a man forgot to tell his wife the couches

Once upon a time there were three little pigs.

Little Johnny was in class when the teacher asked,

Three men, an American, an Arab, and a Chinese

Yo mama is so stupid she put a phone in her butt

Cindy Lou Edleman Performs Quality Sexual Favors

A blonde wearing a headset walks into a barbershop

Understanding Marketing You see a fabulous girl/guy

There was a man who loved baked beans, but they

A blond gets a new cell phone from her husband. The

A blonde rings up an airline. She asks, "How

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus

Saddam Hussein was sitting down wondering who to

Saddam Hussein and George Bush are seated next

There was a guy who worked for Blockbuster video.

A secretary for a foreign embassy was entertaining

A man hated his wife's cat and he decided to get

Saddam Hussein phoned President Bush and said,

Two men were hunting in the woods when, all of

There was a 40 year old man called Ian, and he

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her

Once a blonde went to the library to get a book.

George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening? Condi:

Yo mama is so dumb, she tripped over a cordless

You'd better watch out, You'd better not cry, You'd

The real reason the administration doesn't want

Ice Cube Mix Tricycle Kickstand Solar Flashlight Dehydrated

A man had a terrible passion for baked beans, but

Why are there no female astronauts on the moon?

How does one human embryo talk to another human

Fifty Ways To Annoy Osama bin Laden If You're Invited

If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company,

1. Blast the Phantom of the Opera at midnight and

Q. How do you annoy your girlfriend during sex? A.

A secretary goes into her boss' office and asks,

A jumbo-sized freshman went to try out for the

George W. Bush told Dick Cheney, "I really hate

How did the telephone operator propose to his girlfriend? He

10. Their company logo: two tin cans and a length

All quotes 100% authentic, and courtesey of George

1. Your dog rather rub up against the wall than

A guy phones a law firm and says, "I want to speak

A private was serving duties at his barracks in

A gynecologist was getting sick of his job and

1) The president is not in his/her office at this

Before you leave your house... 1. Put on a little

Dear Jennifer, I have an interesting

One day, the phone rang, and a little boy answered. "May

You know you're in a redneck hotel when you phone

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead team were sent

* Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people

Q: Why do they have so much trouble with the phone

There once was a little kid named Billy who loved

Police arrested Joe Bloggs, a 27-year old white

Yo mama's so fat, she's got more chins than a Hong

* Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell

Q: How do you burn an idiot's face? A: Phone

A man was walking down the street and on the

If you love something, set it free. If it comes

A guy burned both of his ears... so they were asking

Why are E.T.'s eyes so big? Because he saw

A 55-year old man, who was born on May 5th, has

Q: Why did Bill Clinton give up the saxophone?

What do you get when you cross a rooster and a

You're just like a telephone -- even a three-year-old

A man comes home late one night, drunk. "Where

I lost my phone number. Could I have yours?

A guy dials his home and a strange woman answers.

What's the difference between a blonde and a payphone?

A woman was in bed having sex with her husband's

Yo Mama's so ugly, on halloween, she had to trick-or-treat

There's a senior citizen driving on the highway.

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus

You know you're a computer nerd when you know more

A man walks into a bar and sits down right across

It's Saturday morning and Bob's just about to set

This Story is true!!! For all of you who occasionally

There was a contruction worker who was working

10. You're so tired you now answer the phone,

A man walks into a bar with three little ducks

A man walks outside to his car for work, when he

(which in our society means over 25) An older

One day a man goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot.

10. I think of you as a brother. Translation: You

1) All of your friends have @ in their names

1. Ride mechanical horses with coins fished out

What do you get when you cross a dog with a telephone?

This is a true story about a recent wedding that

The Perfect Dump -- Every once in a while, each

A guy comes home early one day from work. And

What did the guy's carphone answering machine say?

Why couldn't the skunk use her phone? It was

A comedian, new to the profession, is looking for

How did the skunk call home? On his smell-ular

About ten years ago, George Bush was visiting Mikhail

Once upon a time there lived a woman in Brampton

A fellow was ordered to lose 75 pounds, due to

One day, there was a man sitting on a bus. Since

Q: What's the difference between cell phones and

One day, a blonde's neighbor goes over to her house,

Yo Mama is so stupid, she tripped over a cordless

Why was the blonde afraid to have phone sex?

Hallo? Is this Giganta? Giganta Crotchetta? Oh,

1) You try to enter your password on the microwave.

A blonde went to go get her haircut wearing pair

What do you give the woman who has everything?

Yo Mama's so ugly, she had to trick-or-treat over

A blonde goes to a doctor because both of her ears

The FDA is considering additional warnings on beer

10. That shirt is very becoming on you. Then again

What do you get when you mix a rooster with a

The phone rang at the motor pool and an authoritative

It was this little girl's first day of school and

Man: Doc, you've gotta help me. I'm hearing voices

Yo' mama so dumb she stuck the phone up her ass

If Oracle made toasters... They'd claim their

10) Pretend you don't speak English. 9) Say

Yo mama's so dumb, she stuck the phone up her ass

One day two girls were trying out for the school

Your mama so nasty, that after we had phone sex

A young businessman had just started his own firm.

A survey of top personnel executives of 100 major

An American businessman goes to Japan on a business

She is so blonde, she thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican

Yo mama's so fat, the telephone company gave her

Yo mama's so fat, she's got more chins than a Chinese

Women think they already know everything, but wait...training

Three guys are sitting in a bar when the first

Everyone who ticks him or her off gets a $26,000

Male Seminarsby Females 1.  Combatting 

A blonde is speaking to her psychiatrist. "I'm

If the government is going to put health warning

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates.

An 83-year old woman decided that she'd seen and

Tiger Woods     A couple were on

Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically

Hillary Clinton went for her annual exam. After

During a busy pre-Christmas day at Sydney airport,

Three couples were married and stayed at the same

A young blonde stock broker was bored with her

A Denton, Texas man was arrested for filing a false

The following letters were taken from an actual

A woman is in bed with her lover, who also happens

1) Everyone around you has an attitude problem. 2)

Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group discussing

"COMPETITIVE SALARY"  We remain

1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well-lighted

A man had a terrible passion for baked beans, but

Did you hear? Bill Clinton stopped playing the

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway,

I did not do it in a car I did not do it

A secretary for a foreign embassy was entertaining

A guy gets home early from work and hears strange

A man phones home from the office and tells his

    Yes, it's hard to believe, but

NICKNAMES If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose

A young boy asked his mother, "Ma, is it true

A frustrated wife got some Viagra for her husband.

A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine. It

A blonde walks into the hairdresser with headphones

    Curators at India's Baroda Museum

A man goes to the confessional. "Forgive me father,

Listen my children, and you shall hear Of

Run one lap around the office at top speed

Ã, Ã, Ã,  If you receive an e-mail

1)  A Guide to Arab Democracies 2) 

Monica's Diary Entry 1 Dear Diary, I'm so excited!

An elderly lady phoned her telephone company to report that her telephone failed to ring when her

A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack! "Help

1. Men are NOT mind readers. 2. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put

Police arrested Malcolm Davidson, a 27 year-old white male resident of Wilmington, NC, in a pumpkin

A man goes to the confessional. "Forgive me father, for I have sinned." "What is your sin, my

With apologies to Jeff Foxworthy, US troops in Afghanistan prove they've retained their sense

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a client

Closer Than You Think! An unemployed man goes to apply for a job with Microsoft as a janitor. The

There was a Midwestern phone company that was going to hire one team of telephone pole installers,

An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover

A blonde is roller-skating down the board-walk one day. She's just skating along in her lycra pants,

A married fellow gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes

I believe in having sex on the first date. At my age, there may not be a second date. Senior Campbell's

An employee who had a terrible history for taking time off phoned in again one Monday morning: "I'm

Me: Hello. AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T. Me: Is this AT&T? AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T. Me: This is

It Was Already Late Fall And The Indians On A Remote Reservation In South Dakota Asked Their New Chief

When you are counting objects, you go "0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D...". When asked about a bus schedule,

Last week my tie caught on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with an ax! I met the surgeon general.

(Actual letter from an Iowa resident and sent to his senator) The Honorable Tom Harkin 731 Hart

I had checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely so I thought I'd get me one of those

1. You must first learn to pronounce the city name, it is L. A. 2. The morning rush hour is from

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the

A fifteen year-old boy came home with a new Chevrolet Avalanche and his parents began to yell and scream,

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's

A woman named Jill stood up at her church's Testimony Meeting one Sunday morning, took the microphone

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal

A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor

A teacher notices that a little boy at the back of the class is squirming around, scratching his

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's

(We take you now to the Oval Office.) George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening? Condi:

Joe grew up in Jamaica, then moved away to attend college and law school. He decided to come back

16. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed Your Ass Out All Day Long 15. If I Can't Be

Hang on to any of the new State of Alabama quarters. If you have them; they may be worth much more

10. You ticked him off once and your next phone bill was $20,000. 9. He's won the Publisher's Clearing

A contestant on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" had reached the final plateau. If she answered the

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg. It's tough

"Are you religious? Because I could be the answer to your prayers." "Is there an airport nearby

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program. The next day, there's a knock

A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about

Rabbi Bernstein was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body.

10. Your visa card and your belt both hit their limit. 9. She's been wearing an engagement ring

Before the 2001 inauguration of George Bush, he was invited to a get-acquainted tour of the White

A contestant on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire" had reached the final plateau. If she answered the

Pretty soon, I won't be able to do anything except sit in my chair and read! I must send my thanks

While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a U.S. Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale

Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch

We've all had the annoying experience of calling up a hotline and waiting on the phone for eons to

A guy went to his travel agent and tried to book a two-week cruise for himself and his lady friend.

Try this... On your way home from work, stop at a pharmacy and purchase a rectal thermometer made

For those of you who are not "fortunate" enough to live in California, here is a copy of the California

My daughter called me at work to say I was to phone Ian at my bank. The operator asked me what Ian's

It was last Wednesday night, and I was sitting in my room watching television when the phone rang. "Hello?" A

The coach had put together the perfect team for the New Orleans Saints. The only thing missing was

Pedro was trying to get into the U.S.legally through Immigration. The Officer said "Pedro, you have

1) The new policy on sexual harassment includes your photo. 2) The Security guard makes a complete

I checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely so I thought I'd get me one of those

At dawn the telephone rings. "Hello, Senor Humphrey? This is Ernesto the caretaker at your country

NUDITY I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible

A redhead, a brunette and a blonde were lunching together, discussing what they thought the worlds

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. "What are you

January - Took her new scarf back to the store because it was too tight. February - Couldn't work

George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening? Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the

Note: Sometimes a story comes along that needs no polishing or enhancement to make it better.

Leah phones her husband at work, "Izzy, do you have time for a chat?" "Sorry, darling, this is not

D A M N I T O L Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours. ST. M O

A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears and

[The year would not be complete without the Darwin Awards - awarded every year to the persons who

Man "Haven't we met before?" Woman "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic." Man "Haven't

George W. Bush and his veep running mate, Dick Cheney were talking, when George W. said, "I hate all

An overweight blonde consulted her doctor for advice. The doctor advised that she run 10 miles a day

Hang on to any of the new State of Arkansas quarters. If you have them, they may be worth much more

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program. The next day, there's a

You live in Arizona when.. 1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade. 2. You

What the Job Ad says & What it means: Advancement opportunity: Sh*t job Entry level Really

For those of you who are not "fortunate" enough to live in California, here is a copy of the California

It was October and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new Chief if the coming winter was

Attached is some correspondence which actually occurred between a London hotel's staff and one of

A man attempting to set up his new printer called the printer's tech Support number, complaining about

Here's why . According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were kids in the 40's,

World's thinnest Books available at a bookstore near you. FRENCH WAR HEROES by Jacques Chirac HOW

I phoned up a really gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day. We lost track of time, chatting

Male Seminars by Females 1. Combatting Stupidity 2. You, Too, Can Do Housework 3. PMS: Learn

An elderly lady phoned her telephone company to report that her telephone failed to ring when her friends

RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE WITH THE FOLLOWING QUALIFICATIONS: 1. WON'T

Modern medicine has come up with some great new stuff to make life easier ...: St. Mom's Wort ~

A white-haired old man walked into a jewelry store on a Friday, with a beautiful young lady at his

A Canadian is drinking in a New York bar when he gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning

Hang on to any of the new Newfoundland quarters. If you have them, they may be worth much more than

John Madden was in Dallas to announce a football game one weekend when he noticed a special telephone

An eighteen-year-old Italian girl tells her mom that she has missed her period for two months. Very

It was this little girl's first day of school and the teacher asked her what her name was and she

A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what had had happened to her ears?

Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a physical, only to find out that she's pregnant. She is furious...

Here are some observations about the politicians who run our country. They are from a Washington, D.C.travel

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take

Two women friends had gone for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the

10. "Clocks are five hours fast" 9. "Everybody's speaking some crazy foreign language" 8. "Harry

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo Project, it took the astronauts to a Navajo reservation in

Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an

A customer service award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being so clever

1. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards,

What do you expect from such simple creatures!? Their last name stays put. The garage is all

One day, a blonde's neighbor goes over to her house, sees the blonde crying, and asks her what happened.

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She

Police arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22-year-old white male, resident of Dacula, GA, in a pumpkin patch

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of

A fifteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began to scream, "Where did you get

Your coworker has 8 body piercing and none are visible. You make over $300,000 and still can't

25. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye. 24. Her Teeth Was Stained, But

An old man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell

A vet gets a midnight phone call from a farmer. "I`ve got a very constipated cow - been like it for

Jason wanted to get his blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary, but also something

Three men - an American, a Japanese and an Irishman - were sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly there

A man who absolutely hated his wife's cat decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks

Two salesmen were writing up their orders when the conversation came around to last night's big date. "So,

Little Johnny's mother was trying hard to get the catsup to come out of the bottle. During her struggle

A man was sitting at home one evening, when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, a 6 foot

It's Saturday morning and John's just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes that he

A blonde phoned police to report that thieves had been in her car. "They've stolen the dashboard,

Did you hear what happened?" Jim asked when he saw me walking down the hallway at work. "Hear

..she sent me a fax with a stamp on it ...she thought a quarterback was a refund ...she tried to

An engineer dies and reports to hell. Pretty soon, the engineer getsdissatisfied with the level

Mrs. Peterson phoned the repairman because her dishwasher quit working. He couldn't accommodate her

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have

German scientists dug 50 metres underground and discovered small pieces of copper. After studying these

Three men are sitting naked in the sauna. Suddenly there is a beeping sound. The first man presses

There was this guy and he was driving along until he got a flat. He spotted a near-by farm and decided

A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. "You aren't so good in bed either!"

A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs

A woman is becoming increasingly worried that she might never find a mate. She wonders if there is

A blonde dials 911 to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. By mistake, St.Peter directs him to go below. So,

"I've pulled you over for speeding, Ma'am. Could I see your drivers license?" "What's a license???"

An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had

It's two o'clock in the morning and a husband and wife are asleep, when suddenly the phone rings.

A lonely frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and asked what his future holds. His Personal

The manager of a liquor store gets a midnight phone call at home: - Hello! - At what time does the

A guy phones a law office and says, "I want to speak to my lawyer." The receptionist replies, "I'm

A man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss concerned about all his employees well

A guy dials his home phone from work. A strange woman answers. The guy says, "Who is this?"

An airline captain was helping a new blonde flight attendant prepare for her first overnight trip. Upon