place

Warning on a curling iron: Do Not Insert Curling Iron Into Any Bodily Orifice... My bathroom has inadequate

1. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue. 2. Press any key to continue or any other key to

One day Bill Gates finally dies and goes to Heaven. Upon reaching the pearly white gates, he sees Saint

One night, a husband and wife were having a conversation during dinner:WOMAN: What would you do if I

What a Woman Says:"This place is a mess! C'mon,You and I need to clean up.Your stuff is lying on the

"How'd you do it?" the doctor asked as he was setting farmer Joe Brown's broken leg."Well Doc," said

This one is long but well worth reading!In case your frustration level rises today, this is for everyone

A very sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her vaginal lips reduced in size

A man with a 20-inch penis went to his doctor to complain that he was unable to get any women to have

A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!"I grabbed my stuff,

A man having trouble achieving an erection decides to consult a witch doctor.The witch doctor throws

Tarzan was walking through the jungle one day and got into a fight with a lion.The lion rips off one

A man walked into a bar one night. He went up to the bar and asked for a beer."Certainly, sir, that'll

Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new home. It's fun to cook for Tim. Today I made an angel

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats

A guy walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, "Listen, I have three girls coming over tonight.

A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him. As he sits down, the bartender comes over and

There was this little boy about 12 years old walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a

A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out the camel suddenly

A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion.

A young man called John died and he went to Heaven to begin his afterlife journey. However, he was stopped

Little Johnny watched the science teacher start the experiment with the worms.Four worms were placed

A man had been driving all night and by morning was still far from his destination. He decided to stop

Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went to breakfast

A man on a camel rode through miles of the sun-drenched desert searching for some sign of life. His supplies

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass

A guy met a girl at a nightclub, and she invited him back to her place for the night.When they arrived

An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action

Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the gate, the angel tells Ford,"Well, you've been such a good

Three men stand before St. Peter awaiting admission into Heaven. However, St. Peter has been informed

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts

A guy went to a whore house for a piece of ass, but only had 5.00. The madam suggested that he go and

At a seminar called "Stress and Disease" by Dr. Nickolas Hall, an expert in psychobiology, gave an example

Superman is flying around one day and he's feeling kinda horny. So he finds Batman sitting on top of

RelationshipsWhen a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and

An elderly couple walk into a fast food restaurant.

A man wearing a Democratic pin walks into a bar

A man walks into a coffee shop and places his order. "I'd

How many Victorian ladies does it take to change

Mark your calendar with the multitude of holidays

Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers

10. No roof damage from reindeer 9. Never a silent

A gentleman on a flight to Atlanta had a serious

A guy dies and goes to heaven. His tour guide starts

The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to

A blonde is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory.

A man having trouble achieving an erection decides

1. Gain weight. At least 30 pounds. 2. Stop exercising.

A man is lying in bed in a hospital with an oxygen

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop. Right away they

A bank robber was running from the law. The police

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

1. If being chased through town, you can usually

The Geography of a Woman Between the ages of

There was a competition to cross the English channel

I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary

The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI,

An engineer died and ended up in Hell. He was not

1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon

Gwen met Randy at a nightclub. They hit it off,

Not to cuss. Not to cohabitate. Not to use that

Season's Beatings There's gotta be a better way

I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I

SICKNESS AND RELATED LEAVE: We will no longer

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He

If you love something, set it free. If it comes

Little David comes home from first grade and tells

Questions and answers selected from tests in Springdale,

Oil Change instructions for Women: Pull up to

A female Olympic swimmer was talking with one of

December 1 - Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey.

How come the Taliban are not circumcised? It

Fifty Ways To Annoy Osama bin Laden If You're Invited

I think Santa Claus is a woman... I hate to be

A husband and wife were lying in bed together one

Q. How do you annoy your girlfriend during sex? A.

Over a gynecologist's office: "Dr. Jones, at your

An old cowhand came riding into town on a hot,

Where do the characters go when I use my backspace

Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look

More beer. More cheese. More sex. Vitamin fortified

One day George W. went out to dinner with a Jewish

An Alabama man turned 18 and went to a local house

Whether the cause is a previous night of drinking

Q: How do you get a Maryland graduate off your

Dear U.S. Citizens, I have the distinguished honor

A stoner walks into a gas station and asks the

A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and

In order to assure the highest levels of quality

Don't Say This to Your New Girlfriend's Parents... 1.

Advantages 1. It can get really weird 2. Someone

You're convinced that chirping birds are Satan's

OBJECTIVE To sit in a cubicle and stare at a monitor

1. Your dog rather rub up against the wall than

OBJECTIVE To disengage said bra without looking

On the seventh day, God said, "Let there be football."

How do you break a blonde's nose? Place a dildo

These are excuse notes from parents (with their

A hillbilly is sitting in a bar, drinking, when

Bob just moved from New York City to Alabama. He

1) The president is not in his/her office at this

Two friends, named Harry and George, go on a trip

Two weeks ago was my forty-fifth birthday, and

A man went over to his girl's place for a little

When I die, bury me deep. Plant some reefer,

All good Southerners already know these, but in

The king of a small African nation had an elegant

Q: What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?

* Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people

A new contract for Santa has finally been negotiated.

On a rainy night, three guys were driving through

A man is away on business, at a convention for

A group of men go up into the mountains to go bear

One Friday night in San Fransisco, a man hops a

This couple have just met in a bar, really hit

The Pope walked into a car dealership one day to

Start with a cage containing five monkeys. In the

A man dies and goes to Hell. The devil greets him. "You

An elderly couple are watching the 700 Club. The

1.Stick your palm open under the stall wall and

Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by

1. People who point at their wrist while asking

If you love something, set it free. If it comes

Some time ago President Clinton was hosting a state

From: General Manager To: Departmental

A pilot was forced to make a crash landing in a

12. In the Star Wars universe, weapons are rarely,

How To Shower Like A Woman... * Take off clothing

You're so poor that yesterday I saw your mother

This guy was really sleepy and needed a place to

An old farmer decided it was time to get a new

A middle aged woman lived alone except for her

This really fat guy wanted to lose weight. He tried

One day some fisherman caught tons of fish called

One day a guy and a girl were making out in her

A married couple was on holiday in Pakistan. They

A travelling salesman's car breaks down in the

What is long, hard, and stiff, is used inside a

Three fans are walking to Fenway Park for the Red

In order to assure the highest levels of quality

A man went to England on a trip and met a woman

There was a man with a restaurant near a construction

Once upon a time, there was a cat who died. When

The LAPD, the FBI, & the CIA are all trying to

The European Union commissioners have announced

What if Data Ran Windows98? WORF: Captain, there

A guy walks into a bar with his dog on a leash

There were two little crabs who met in Florida

Let's go to my place and play war -- I'll lay down

There was once a boy whose father gave him a duck,

Father Murphy was a very poor priest in a very

On a long walk in the woods, Johhny found himself

This Story is true!!! For all of you who occasionally

A man died and went to straight down to hell. The

An English prisoner of war was held by the Germans.

Long time ago, in the land of Persia there lived

Q: Why is it so hard to replace Vanna White?

One night two drunks were wandering the town trying

The sky was dark The moon was high We were

Nuns where repainting their chapel. They kept getting

Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the Gates,

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. Walking

For years it has been believed that electric bulbs

A cat and a chicken die but end up in the wrong

1. Ride mechanical horses with coins fished out

A man goes into a psychiatric hospital to visit

A man was eating in a fancy restaurant, and there

A couple was getting ready to go to a Halloween

1. The only place in North America to get bombed

Bill Clinton and the Pope die on the same day,

Rule One: I am aware that it is concidered fashionable

It was the day after Thanksgiving and all thru

Two guys are golfing on a course that is right

This is a true story about a recent wedding that

Artery: Study of paintings Bacteria: Backdoor

A woman calls a clinic and says she hasn't been

Two guys were walking their dogs and came across

One day, a man had an accident at work, which resulted

A comedian, new to the profession, is looking for

There were three men who got stranded on an island.

There was this man who really had to go to the

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison.

John and Bob were inseparable childhood friends.

Once upon a time there lived a woman in Brampton

Why do blondes wear big hoop earrings when they

I just got a skylight put into my place -- the

There was this American tourist in Mexico, and

The three remaining members of Pink Floyd get in

Last week I took some friends out to a restaurant,

A mystery-lover takes his place in the theater

What a woman says: This place is a mess! C'mon,

A travelling salesman is out in the country selling

Hallo? Is this Giganta? Giganta Crotchetta? Oh,

A groom passes down the aisle of the church to

A guy is in a bar with a bunch of his friends.

Murphy's Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.

In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop a beautiful

NASA decided to send a shuttle into space with

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your

This hous wife got tired of being alone everyday

A man wanted to go on holiday in Ibiza because

A man is working at a pharmaceutical store, and

A woman went camping and while she was out she

A man claimed he could name any animal that was

Q: Why do cowboys always have shit on their mustaches?

Element: Woman Symbol: Wo Discoverer: Adam

A dying man gathered his best friends - a lawyer,

A man comes home to his wife, and he is chuckling.

There once was a boy who named Odd. A lot of people

A guy in a supermarket goes up to the cashier and

If assholes could fly, this place would be an

A doctor, an engineer, a rabbi and a lawyer were

Saturday 1:00 A.M. Alarm clock rings. 2:00

There's this fellow with a parrot. And the parrot

An atomic bomb went off in Washington and everyone

A woman goes into a restaurant in a small town

One morning, a man approached the first tee, only

Dear Tide, I have always used your product

A human skeleton was going to fart in a crowded

Jon and Dan were in a mental institution. This

Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit lived in the same forest,

There was once a man who had problems satisfying

Once, a long, long time ago, in a small village

Squawks are problems left behind by airplane pilots

Women need a reason to have sex, men just need

A married man visits a sex therapist because he

An American businessman goes to Japan on a business

Why is a laundromat a really bad place to pick

A guy walked into a bar with a pet alligator by

What a woman says: “This place is a mess!

A man was walking through a wealthy neighborhood

    Three blokes enter a disabled

Shit is a powerful word. Just think of all the

    A couple go to Mexico City for

    This is an actual job application

A panda walks into a bar. He sits down, and asks

Some pretty 'useful' phrases you, too, can use

Members of Congress...people of America....I banged

I called a company and asked to speak to Bob.

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates.

    BOOK is a revolutionary breakthrough in

Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically

   As you grow older, what lost

Aging Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly

After a Christmas break, a teacher asked her young

The following letters were taken from an actual

Q: How does a redneck tell the difference between

Are you considering having children? To determine

Three guys, a teenager, his father and his grandfather

Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group discussing

NAME: "Expecteria Trouserius" (Trouser Snake) LOCATION:

"COMPETITIVE SALARY"  We remain

A blind man was describing his favorite sport -

1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well-lighted

But Doctor, You HAVE To! In Turkey, Mehmet Esirgen, 52,

A guy walks in to a bar with his pet monkey. He

BETTER HOLD ON TO THOSE PANTIES...THEY COULD COME

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates

Two ladies are sitting next to each other on a

One Sunday a pastor asked his congregation to consider

    In Lebanon, men are legally allowed

    DETROIT--With third-quarter

This should be sung to the tune "A Few of

    One day a hunter was walking

Big Busted Women -can get a taxi on the worst

    The Penis requests a promotion

An Ohio State University mortician student walked

Why did the chicken cross the road? KINDERGARTEN

A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the

    'Twas the night before Christmas

1. In the company of females, intercourse

    For all you guys out there who

Element Name: MAN Symbol: XY Atomic Weight: (180

ASTROLOGY: tells us about you and your future

    An OHIO STATE UNIVERSITY mortician

Introductory Chemistry at Duke has been taught

During WW II an American soldier had been on the

MICROSOFT NEWS RELEASE: It has come to our attention

Ã, Ã, Ã,  If you receive an e-mail

No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize

Our Rights: The following was written by State

    The Reverend John Fuzz was pastor

    13> Driving your fellow Congressman

Crazy Mike the Biker walks into a pharmacy and

A large, powerfully-built guy meets a woman at

    Dear Son,    

If you want someone who will bring you the paper without first tearing it apart to remove the sports

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED: 1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats. 2)

A girl from New York and a girl from the west coast were seated side by side on an airplane. The

Dress Code: 1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary. 2) If we see

Dear employee: As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for all department areas, we are

After his legs had been broken in an accident, Mr. Miller sued for damages, claiming that he was

1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out. 2. Age is a very high price to pay for

Katie Couric, Charlie Gibson, Brian Williams and a tough old US Marine Sergeant were captured by

A man and his wife were having an argument in bed. After the husband had finally had enough, he jumped up

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.

In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest

A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems

a.. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity. b.. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian

One day George was betting on the ponies nearly losing his shirt, when he noticed a priest who had

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the

A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older

An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover

A retired corporate executive, now a widower, decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean

A guy walks into a bar and sees a gorgeous woman nursing a drink. Walking up behind her he says:

Four college friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to go up to Dallas

A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500. They did their

A young woman was preparing for her wedding. She asked her mother to go out and buy a nice long black

1. What are you thinking about? 2. Do you love me? 3. Do I look fat in this? 4. Do you think

Dress Code: 1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary. 2) If we see

Entries in a Dog's Diary: 7 am - Oh boy! A walk! My favorite! 8 am - Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite! 9

Between the ages of 15-18, a woman is like China or Iran. Developing at a sizzling rate with a lot

I met an older woman at a bar last night. She wasn't bad for 57, we drank and bullsh*tted a bit,

1. If you are choking on an ice cube simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! 2.

Congress Votes to Outsource Presidency, Washington, DC (AP) Congress today announced that the office

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.'

I had checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely so I thought I'd get me one of those

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting

An old man and woman were married for many years, even though, they hated each other. When they had

Some time ago Mr. Clinton was hosting a state dinner when at the last minute his regular cook took

A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place. A

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. Garden

A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if

I've sure gotten old. I've had 2 By-pass surgeries. A hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants. Marriage changes

One day little Johnny went to school. His teacher said they were going to play a game. She would place

Golf balls are like eggs. They're white, they're sold by the dozen, and every week you have to buy more. A

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders.

1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen. 2. When you get to

1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them. 2. Having sex in a twin bed is out

A man once spent days looking for his new hat. Finally, he decided that he'd go to church on Sunday

The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, "It was a good idea to replace the first

The Reverend John Fuzz was a pastor of a small congregation in a little Pennsylvania town. One day, walking

A little town in southern Illinois had a sensational birth rate, and scientists decided to visit the

A Hawaii woodpecker and a California woodpecker were arguing about which place had the toughest trees.

If your unfortunate enough to have to visit Yankee Country - like Boston (pronounced BAH-stin), this

An old man, a boy, and a donkey were on their way to town. The boy was riding the donkey. As they

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow?

1.Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue. 2.Press any key to continue or any other key to quit. 3.Press

I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy."

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought

They met at the singles club meeting and discovered over time that they enjoyed each other's company. After

Pretty soon, I won't be able to do anything except sit in my chair and read! I must send my thanks

"An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon. Four worms

A teenage girl comes home from school and asks her mother. "Is it true what Rita just told me? Babies

According to the FBI, most modern-day bank robberies are "unsophisticated and unprofessional crimes,"

A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished,

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer. "Certainly, Sir , that'll be one

A man was driving down a quiet country lane when out into the road strayed a rooster. Whack! The rooster

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people

A father believed that his son was spending way too much time playing computer games. In an effort

During the banquet celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary, Tom was asked to give his friends a

Little Johnny had a cussing problem and his father was getting tired of it. He decided to ask his

Having a rough day? Just in case you've had a rough day, here's a stress management technique recommended

Life isn't like a box of chocolates; it's more like a jar of jalapenos: you never know what's going

Try this... On your way home from work, stop at a pharmacy and purchase a rectal thermometer made

An older couple had a son, who was still living with them. The parents were a little worried, as the

BACHELOR: A guy who has avoided the opportunity to make some woman miserable. BRIDE: A woman

In case you have been waiting breathlessly for this year's Darwin Awards, here they are. The awards

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats

Dear Employee: As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we are forced

I think that 'Clueless' was very deep. I think it was deep in the way that it was very light. I think

One year at Christmas my mom went to my sister's house for the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible

No matter what you do or where you go, you're always going to be yourself. And Panexa knows this. Your

I really wanted to send out some sort of holiday greeting but it is so difficult in today's world to

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: 1 October 2005 RE: Christmas

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself

Here is a chicken recipe that also includes the use of popcorn as a stuffing - imagine that! When

A man walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face. "What are you so happy about?" asks the

As a court clerk, I am well-versed in the jury-selection process. First a computer randomly selects

John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called pullets

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the

1. No cars up on blocks for longer than three weeks. 2. No changing your oil in the street. 3.

AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659---CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY A lady about 8 months pregnant got on

1) The new policy on sexual harassment includes your photo. 2) The Security guard makes a complete

There was a loser who couldn't get a date. He went to a bar and asked a guy how to get a date. The

An Irishman an Englishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar in Sydney. The view was fantastic,

--Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife

1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared

I checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely so I thought I'd get me one of those

Born 1903-Died 1942 Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car was on the way down. It was. ****************************** In

A young doctor had moved out to a small rural community to replace the retiring country doctor. The

The Center for Disease Control has issued a warning about a new virulent strain of Sexually Transmitted

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. As he sits, the waitress comes

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very, very dark, so

1. What does the average Iowa player get on his SAT's? Drool. 2. What do you get when you put 32

A man walks into a bar and sees a good-looking woman sitting on a stool. He walks up to her and says,

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat

I would not say that the future is necessarily less predictable than the past. I think the past was

How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?" Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day

Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle.

A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair

While the barber is lathering the man up for his shave, the man expresses to the barber how he has

This is an actual job application that a 17 year old boy submitted to McDonald's in Florida... and

The following are new Windows messages that are under consideration for the Windows XP: 1. Enter

A young man, who was also an avid golfer, found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He

Helpdesk: What kind of computer do you have? Female customer: A white one... -------------------------------------------------------------------- Hi,

A young Technician and his General Manager board a train headed through the mountains on its way to

A Mexican family crosses the border to the Land of Milk and Honey where the streets are supposed

A groom and his newlywed wife go to the Hilton on their honeymoon. They check in at the front, and

1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out. 2. Age is a very high price to pay for

The NHL Players Association (NHLPA) announced today that they are upset at the NHL for planning to

To the citizens of the United States of America: In the light of your failure to elect a competent

A new business was opening and one of the owners friends sent flowers for the occasion. but when

A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They

A minister was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas. After the plane was airborne, drink orders

Man "Haven't we met before?" Woman "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic." Man "Haven't

The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as

A guy walks into a bar with his dog on a leash the barman says, "Geez that's a weird dog: he's stumpy-legged,

I think Santa Claus is a woman .... I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's

You Know You've Had Too Much Christmas Cheer When... 1. You notice your tie sticking out of your

A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place. A

Between the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild,

"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand." Woody

Married Priests in Catholic Church a Long Time Coming Prosecutors Want Victim in Courtroom During

Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has

Whitey was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers called pullets and

The world's most avid baseball fan, a blonde, had arrived early at the stadium for the first game

A blind man was describing his favorite sport... parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished,

1. Jesse Jackson, Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called "Ministers

You live in Arizona when.. 1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade. 2. You

Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new

Someone out there either has too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble. (wait till you see the

The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are

Who says cops don't have a sense of humor? The following were taken off of actual police car videos

How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened when she brings it. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Why

Attached is some correspondence which actually occurred between a London hotel's staff and one of

Picture yourself near a stream. Birds are softly chirping in the crisp, cool, mountain air.

It's the only type of cooking a "real" man will do. When a man volunteers to do the 'BBQ' the following

George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to hell where the devil is waiting for him. "I

A cab driver pulled up at a stop sign near Central Park in New York. A stark naked woman jumped out

The woman entered the room, and with a knowing smile teasing her full lips,she sank into the comfort

This year, I resolve to ... 1. Gain weight. At least 30 pounds. 2. Stop exercising. Waste of time. 3.

The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of

Two 90 yr. old men decided to go to there local whore house one more time before it was to late. They

Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them. Having sex in a twin bed is out

Essential NEW WORDS FOR 2004 editions for the work-place vocabulary: BLAMESTORMING Sitting around

1 . Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants. 2. Marriage changes

Little Johnny watched the science teacher start the experiment with the worms. Four worms were

25. Come up with 50 new shades of gray for Martha Stewart Paints. 24. Start marketing new "Martha

Warning on a bottle of drain cleaner: "If you do not understand, or cannot read, all directions,

An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other. When they had

A girl from Louisiana and a girl from the east coast were seated side by side on an airplane. The

This is the best lawyer story of the year, decade, and probably the century. A Charlotte, NC, lawyer

The day finally arrived; Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St.

There were two old geezers living in the backwoods of the Ozarks...Rufus and Clarence. They lived

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. Gardening

A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff,

I promise you cannot read these and not laugh out loud! These are real notes written from parents

Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday and I wasn't feeling too good that morning. I went to breakfast

A nun, really needing to go to the bathroom, walked into a neighborhood pub. The place was hopping

Last year I replaced several windows in my house and they were the expensive double-pane energy

1. Okay, okay! I take it back. Unf*ck you. 2. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing. 3. Well,

We are sick and tired of hearing about how dumb people in the South are. We challenge any so-called

I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your bed rock. I can't find my puppy, can you

A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital. Just before he was

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the Archangel

An eighteen-year-old Italian girl tells her mom that she has missed her period for two months. Very

randpa and grandma were watching the television evangelical show and the preacher said, if the viewers

Two cars were waiting at a stoplight. The light turned green, but the man didn't notice it. A woman

Walking through Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and

Man Struck by Lightning faces Battery Charge Astronaut takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft Kids

A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They

A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale has hit Mexico. 150,000 Mexicans

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto

A little old couple walked slowly into a McDonalds one cold winter evening. They looked out of place

After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for a younger woman. The house was in his name

King Arthur was in Merlin's laboratory where the great wizard was showing him his latest creation.

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his

These questions about Canada were posted on an international tourism website and obviously the answers

I took some friends out to dinner last week, and I noticed a spoon in the shirt pocket of our waiter

Dear Diary: Day 1 Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When

NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial

A friend and I were standing in line at a fast-food restaurant, waiting to place our order. There

A Lady about seven months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.

Two old pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane by going back to the place where they first

The Reverend John Fuzz was a pastor of a small congregation in a little Pennsylvania town. One day,

IN PRISON...You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell. AT WORK....You spend most of your

The stockbroker received notice from the IRS that he was being audited. He showed up at the appointed

THE VALUE OF UNDIES-- Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle... From

This memo is to announce the development of a new software system which will be Year 2000 compliant.

A young preacher was contacted by the local funeral director to hold a grave-side committal service

This guy walks into a quiet bar. He is carrying three ducks, one in each hand and one under his left

A man was walking one day, when he came to this big house in a nice neighborhood. Suddenly he realized there

The only seat available on the train was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged French woman

Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room with only a table and

A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems

Every Sunday, a little old lady placed $1,000 in the collection plate. This went on for weeks until

Three doctors were driving together to the hospital when they had an accident and all three died.

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th

Bob, a lawyer, was driving home over the Golden Gate Bridge after spending a great day on the ocean

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around looking for valuables and when

Two salesmen were writing up their orders when the conversation came around to last night's big date. "So,

A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated

A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone (a male

Add It Up: Relationship Guide For all you guys out there who just can't figure it out, here it is:

MARKETING: You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns

One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual Christmas gift for

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his

One afternoon while doing some work in the garden I noticed my dog dragging something under the fence.

An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman are all playing golf with their wives. The Englishman's wife

The Saudi Ambassador to the UN has just finished giving a speech, and walks out into the lobby where

As a mother passed her daughter's closed bedroom door,she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from

These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to go up to Dallas

This farmer had an old rooster and he thought it might be time to get a new young rooster to service

A farmer in the country noticed that a gentleman would fish at the lake (close to the farmer's house)

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual

After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford

A "Kinder, Gentler System" Sony has announced its own computer operating system now available on

You met him in prison. During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway. He tells you

Blonde Boater A True Story Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an

This memo is from an unnamed computer company. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his

A guy walks into a bar and asks for three beers. The bartender puts them up and then watches the guy

A farmer purchases an old, run-down, abandoned farm with plans to turn it into a thriving enterprise.

Every Sunday, a little old lady placed $1,000 in the collection plate. This went on for weeks until

A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine-year-old son

Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, dies and goes to heaven. At the gates,

A lady about seven months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and

One day the Pope is coming to America in his Limo and he said to the driver, "Why don't you let me

Bill and Moe had started with only five hundred dollars between them, but they had built up a computer

A guy walked into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He put the alligator up on the bar. He turned

A country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was so far out, there was no

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of

Aging Mildred was a 93 year old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her

A mafia Don was golfing with two golf associates: a deaf man and his interpreter lawyer. Since the

At a restaurant, one of the customers noticed that all of the waiters had two spoons in their vest

A very attractive young lady was sitting in a fine restaurant one night. Waiting for her date as

A priest and a nun are on their way back home from a trip when their car breaks down. They are unable

A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the

An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had

A husband went to work at 9 in the morning as usual. For some reason he had to be back home later during

A woman goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for all the major status figures in Rome, Italy.

The old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The local sheriff watched from his

A woman was cleaning her attic with her cat by her side for company. Amongst the boxes and old papers

A doctor, and engineer, a rabbi and a lawyer were debating who was the world's first professional. The

A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place: Man: What's the problem

An airline captain was helping a new blonde flight attendant prepare for her first overnight trip. Upon