pound

A man was ordered by his doctor to lose 75 lbs. due to very serious health risks. As he wondered how

You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as

A rugged cowboy from Brokeback Mountain, Wyoming, goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run.

A woman was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet."I want you to eat regularly for 2 days,

A fat man sees an ad that reads "Lose weight. Only

Q: What makes five pounds of fat look really good? A:

1. Gain weight. At least 30 pounds. 2. Stop exercising.

A blind man walks into a bar, taps the man next

One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods,

What do you call an annorexic with a yeast infection? A

1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon

1. Britney Spears & Eminem Who, combined, have

Knock, Knock Whos there? Highway. Highway who? Highway

Oil Change instructions for Women: Pull up to

I hate aspects of this time of year. Not for its

A blind man walks into a bar, taps the man next

What goes into 15 twice? Paula Poundstone's strap

I. Know that although the cat has the advantage

1. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes. 2.

Jesus was worried about the drug epidemic plaguing

Once upon a workday dreary, my stomach grumbled

Yo mama's so fat, she got busted in the airport

A Scottish wife, an English wife, and an Irish

What weighs 2000 pounds and lays at the bottom

An Irishman and Englishman and a Scotsman walk

How do you make five pounds of fat look sexy?

A guy is going on an ocean cruise, and he tells

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even

Did you hear about the first Viagra Baby? 7

Q: What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection?

What's the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?

Yo' mama so nasty, she took a bath and lost 40

Did you hear about the 120-pound guy with the 60-pound

What do you call a 350-pound stripper? Broke!

This really fat guy wanted to lose weight. He tried

A small guy enters an elevator and notices a huge

A man was driving along a dusty road, when he ran

Bill Gates is hanging out with the chairman of

Man who stuffs his own sausage, pounds his own

Her version: Oh did I mention or did I not? Well

There were these two people in a bar, a boy and

There once was a girl named Suzy Brown Said no

There was a baby born in the hospital and he weighed

A doctor notices a sidewalk stand that says 'brains

A city slicker went to the country to buy a pig.

What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection?

Patient has two teenage children, but no other

After a really good party a man walks into a bar

* The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, ''What's

A fellow was ordered to lose 75 pounds, due to

Once upon a time Nasa decided to send 3 astronauts

How do you get 1 1/2 pounds of meat out of a fly?

How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good? Put

A guy is drinking in a bar, and the bartender asks

A young man joined the Army and signed up with

There are approximately two billion children (persons

A guy (we'll call him Aaron) was laying down carpet

What weighs 2,000 pounds and pinches? An

What do you call a 900 pound woman with a yeast

Did you hear why Oprah got arrested? Airport

For the first time in, oh, a decade, I think, something

Bloke: Would you shag me for a million pounds? Bird:

How do you get five pounds of meat out of a fly?

Yo' mama's so hairy, she was walking down the street

A haggard old lady is riding in a posh hotel's

If Oracle made toasters... They'd claim their

Q: Why do hippos have sex underwater? A: Because

A bald man with a peg leg gets invited to a costume

A redneck boy runs into his house and proclaims,

Q: How do you know that Calista Flockhart (Ally

Yo mama's so ugly, yo dad first met her at the

Yo mama's so fat, the shadow of her butt weighs

Q: What is the ideal weight of a lawyer? A: About

Joe took his blind date to the carnival. "What

Twas the Night before Christmas, and all through

Little Johnny asks his mother how old she is.

Male Seminarsby Females 1.  Combatting 

A Denton, Texas man was arrested for filing a false

Are you considering having children? To determine

Three guys, a teenager, his father and his grandfather

    One day, a man named Tony died.  

20. The hole closed on him before he could penetrate

Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher

About ten recruits are making their first parachute

Ã, Ã, Ã,  An Egyptian man is walking through

1. In the company of females, intercourse

A new arrival in Hell was brought before the

A large, powerfully-built guy meets a woman at

1. Men are NOT mind readers. 2. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put

An Egyptian man is walking through the Cairo bazaar, when a stranger comes up to him and offers to

A young girl from Ireland leaves home to find work in the bright lights of London. She comes home

Three salesmen were bragging who is the best. The first said, that he is so good he sold a color

I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Pal at Big W and standing inline at the check out. A

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender can't help but stare at the

REVISED HIGH SCHOOL MATH PROFICIENCY EXAM FOR SO. CAL. NAME______________________________ GANG

A friend of mine has a big Labrador retriever. While I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart

1. Gain weight. At least 30 pounds. 2. Stop exercising. Waste of time. 3. Read less. Makes you

Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring another bull onto the ranch,

Arbitrator ar'-bi-tray-ter: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's. Avoidable uh-voy'-duh-buhl:

This is true !! It details what to do if an anaconda attacks you. Excerpt is from the US Government

1. The patient refused autopsy. 2. The patient has no previous history of suicides. 3. Patient

If Recipes were like tax forms.... * Line 1. Butter, a minimum of half a pound (8 oz.), but not

January - Took her new scarf back to the store because it was too tight. February - Couldn't work

In a small fishing village, a Newfoundlander was walking up the wharf carrying two - at least three

I. There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa

An overweight blonde consulted her doctor for advice. The doctor advised that she run 10 miles a day

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program. The next day, there's a

15. "Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby." 14. "I sure hope your

This year, I resolve to ... 1. Gain weight. At least 30 pounds. 2. Stop exercising. Waste of time. 3.

I phoned up a really gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day. We lost track of time, chatting

Male Seminars by Females 1. Combatting Stupidity 2. You, Too, Can Do Housework 3. PMS: Learn

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender hands him the beer and says,

A Canadian is drinking in a New York bar when he gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning

We are sick and tired of hearing about how dumb people in the South are. We challenge any so-called

Two cars were waiting at a stoplight. The light turned green, but the man didn't notice it. A woman

10. "Clocks are five hours fast" 9. "Everybody's speaking some crazy foreign language" 8. "Harry

A nun was going to Chicago. She went to the airport and sat down waiting for her flight. She looked

Proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night the drunk led the way

1. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards,

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary in London, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner

After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for a younger woman. The house was in his name

A blonde named Cindy decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no prior lessons or experience. Cindy

Little Jenny walked into the kitchen one day and looked up at her mother, who was busy cooking dinner.

A man decides he wants to have a pig roast, so he goes out to a pig farm to buy one. He agrees on

And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach and green and yellow vegetables of

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls

At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on her idea of the perfect mate to some of her

A woman had gained a few pounds. It was most noticeable to her when she squeezed into a pair of

A lady was standing on a street corner waiting for a bus when she happened to notice a weight machine.

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. --Henny Youngman The best way

A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went through the standard training,

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day,

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how TRUE this is! They actually have a chili

At Cambridge University during an examination one day a bright young student popped up and asked the

A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day,

A young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling like expensive perfume. She turns to

A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going into the clouds. As any of us would do,

A lady was picking up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience.