press

When you are counting objects, you go "0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D...". When asked about a bus schedule,

A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write

1. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue. 2. Press any key to continue or any other key to

A printer consists of 3 main parts: The Jammed Paper Tray The Power Switch and The flashing red light Also......If

A business man met a beautiful girl and asked her to spend the night with him for $500. And she did.Before

St. Peter is leafing through the Big Book to see if the guy is worthy of entering. After several minutes,

A young man called John died and he went to Heaven to begin his afterlife journey. However, he was stopped

TO: All employeesFROM: The bossDATE: August 3, 2000RE: Foul LanguageIt has been brought to management's

The other day, my friends and I went to a "Ladies Night Club."One of the girls wanted to impress the

A guy has a talking dog. He brings it to a talent scout. "This dog can speak English," he claims to the

A Texas business man, while in Japan for some business meetings and a few rounds of golf, arrived in

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners

A man is having problems with his dick, which certainly had seen better times. He consults a doctor who,

A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous & sexy young

A Chinese man arranged for a hooker to come to his room for the evening. Once in the room they undressed,

After gaining a small family inheritance, a redneck family was visiting a mall. The father and son were

There's this guy who's in the market for a used motorcycle. Always wanted a nice big hog. So he's shopping

Back in the time of the Samurai there was a powerful emperor who needed anew head Samurai so he sent

1. There''s no "Donny & Marie Hanukkah Special"

Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers

A gentleman on a flight to Atlanta had a serious

Here's a dilemma... With all your honor and dignity,

Here's a dilemma for you... With all your honor

Saddam Hussein and President George W. Bush meet

Two guys are picked up by cops for drugs and are

A couple wants a divorce, but first they must decide

A blonde women is sitting in her garage, alone,

Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving

Why are New Yorkers always depressed?The light

Two doctors opened an office in a small town. They

A woman and a baby were in the doctorââ,¬â"¢s

1. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead

Three men were in a sauna. An Italian, a German,

A beautiful woman loved to garden, but couldn't

Two rednecks, Bubba and Cooter, decided that they

There were five blondes and one brunette holding

A man is opening a restaurant and he asks one of

Yo mama shirt so tight, when I shook her hand I

This week, the Bush administration finally released

I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary

Shaggy,Shania Twain, and Britney Spears go in a

A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when

Knock, knock Whoââ,¬â"¢s there? Sorry,

My genitals are so gigantic, and yours so woefully

How many manic depressives does it take to screw

A guy came home one day after getting fired from

But everybody looks funny naked! You woke me

According to a news report, a certain private school

At a nursing home in Florida, a group of senior

You've lost the feeling below your ankles. When

Schizophrenia: Do You Hear What I Hear? Multiple

Q. How do you annoy your girlfriend during sex? A.

1. Hijack wheelchairs and speed around the hallways.

President George W. Bush was getting angry about

Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look

George W. Bush is sitting in a hotel lobby, planning

In a class on abnormal psychology, the instructor

G. W. Bush was very depressed that people were

1. Always looks like he's pledging allegiance.

A reporter cornered George W. Bush at a press conference:

George W. Bush is sitting in a hotel lobby, planning

The bumper sticker on your car reads: "What Would

A drunk had been at a pub all night. At last call,

10) You married your cousin's brother's wife 9)

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby

Once upon a workday dreary, my stomach grumbled

Before you leave your house... 1. Put on a little

There was this hunk at a trade fair, flashing his

Do you know why New Yorkers are always so depressed?

A wealthy business man and his wife are looking

A man is sitting on a bench in the park reading

1. The Female always makes THE RULES. 2. THE

Dr. Schambaugh, of the University of Oklahoma School

THINGY (thing-ee) n. For a female: Any part under

Q: My fiancee still has feelings for his old girlfriends.

There was a man named Joe playing baseball on his

I'll get a world record for this. Let me reach

A blonde decides to show her husband that despite

Why was the chicken afraid of the chicken? Far

How To Shower Like A Woman... * Take off clothing

A guy just died and he's at the pearly gates,

An Englishman, a Frenchman and an Irishman were

All drivers for Red Ball Express had orders to

There were three boys all in third grade: an Asian

A woman walks into a bar and orders a drink. A

A blonde is on a four-engine plane crossing the

This Avon lady was out selling her wares. She

Pete and Larry had not seen each other in many

What if Data Ran Windows98? WORF: Captain, there

A sailor and a pirate walk into a bar. They sit

A guy sees a sign outside a bar that says "Piano

A southern minister was completing a temperance

A guy walks into a store. He goes up to the clerk

There was an Aggie, a Longhorn, and a Bug Eater.

A king wanted to improve the mood of his favorite

Once there was a farmer. He had two teenage sons.

Many women are afraid of their first mammogram,

A married couple was walking down the street when

A farmer was in a bar drinking and looking all

Why do you put a baby in a blender feet first? So

There was a woman who was interested in getting

It is Rennaissance Italy and Lothario and his friend

Patient has two teenage children, but no other

This old guy goes into a church in a small town

* Take shopping carts for the express purpose of

But everybody looks funny naked! You woke me

A woman was engaged to get married. She had never

Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough

How do you press the mute button on a blonde?

Once upon a time there lived a woman in Brampton

Last week I took some friends out to a restaurant,

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town,

A man is having terrible headaches, he can't stand

An old wizard was walking through a park when he

1. When the elevator doors close, exclaim loudly

1) You try to enter your password on the microwave.

Did you hear about the depressed proctologist?

Zeus and Thor are up on Mt. Olympus and Thor is

Once upon a time there were three men lost in a

1) Wine her. 2) Dine her. 3) Call her. 4) Hug

A married couple went to the hospital to have their

These three guys are out having a relaxing day

10. Likes people that oppress him: teachers, parents,

A little boy was playing in his sandbox when the

Element: Woman Symbol: Wo Discoverer: Adam

A dying man gathered his best friends - a lawyer,

Saturday 1:00 A.M. Alarm clock rings. 2:00

One time, back in the day, a boy named Johnny was

1. Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.

Once there were 3 little pigs who lived together

1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or

The boss is finally old enough to retire from the

There was a hooker who lived in a condo on Lake

A Scottish man, an Englishman and an Irishman were

Why do women pass less gas than men? Because

40. Oh I just couldn't. Hell, she's only

At a southern university, students in the psychology

    White House staffers were perplexed

A visiting professor at the University of Montana

As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I can get

"You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women,

Members of Congress...people of America....I banged

All-Purpose Excuse Form, designed to get you out

   As you grow older, what lost

Joe was moderately successful in his career, but

The other day, my friends and I went to this Ladies

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to

A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest

During a busy pre-Christmas day at Sydney airport,

Three couples were married and stayed at the same

A little old lady wanted to join a biker club. She

Cats' facial expressions. The need for the same

A southern minister was completing a temperance

Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group discussing

But Doctor, You HAVE To! In Turkey, Mehmet Esirgen, 52,

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN...compliment her, cuddle

Sitting by the window in her convent, Sister Anne

There was a world famous painter who, in the prime

    In Lebanon, men are legally allowed

    Yes, it's hard to believe, but

A married couple went to the hospital to have their

1) Page yourself over the intercom.  Don't

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town,

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed

Which Valentine's Day gift would you like? To determine

There has been a recent discovery among archives

Listen my children, and you shall hear Of

The North has sun-dried toe-mah-toes The South

"I'm hungry." = I'm hungry. "I'm

Saddam Hussein and George W. Bush meet up in Baghdad

    For all you guys out there who

Jack tells his doctor how he can no longer sustain

Our Rights: The following was written by State

A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two

December 14, 1972 My dearest darling John:

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows the rancher says to Amy, "The artificial-insemination

A young Chinese couple get married. She's a virgin, and truth be told he's a virgin too, but she

"Doctor, my child has swallowed a magnet!" "Don't panic, the magnet should pass through his system

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique

Next time you have a bad day at work...think of this guy: Rob is a commercial saturation diver for

Irish greyhound racing authorities have banned trainers from giving dogs the anti-impotence drug Viagra

I was in the Express Lane at the store, quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a client

A group of guys and one girl are sitting together at a ball game. During the game the guys notice

Two doctors, a psychiatrist and a proctologist, opened an office in a small town and put up a sign

The psychiatrists were attending their first seminar on emotional extremes. "Just to establish

A guy had been feeling down for so long that he finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist.

A young woman was having a physical examination and was embarrassed because of a weight problem. As

Jim was annoyed when his blonde wife told him that a car had backed into her, damaging a fender, and

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new

A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500. They did their

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." Winston Churchill "A modest

Yesterday I went to the doctor for my yearly physical. My blood pressure was high, my cholesterol

Bad Metaphors from Stupid Student Essays (actually these are mostly similes, see Literary Terms) Her

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, "Esther,

Me: Hello. AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T. Me: Is this AT&T? AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T. Me: This is

Entries in a Dog's Diary: 7 am - Oh boy! A walk! My favorite! 8 am - Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite! 9

A Blonde Texan city girl, marries a Texas rancher. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows

A priest from Ireland was assigned to a Texas diocese. One morning, Father O'Malley rose from his

1. If you are choking on an ice cube simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! 2.

A Japanese company ( Toyota ) and an American company (General Motors decided to have a canoe race

When you are counting objects, you go "0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D...". When asked about a bus schedule,

I had checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely so I thought I'd get me one of those

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your

As You Slide Down the Banister of Life, Remember: 1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an

On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons. Early one morning, the woman

When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the

Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary. Suddenly,

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son

To all Employees: It has been brought to Management's attention that some individuals throughout

Joe grew up in Jamaica, then moved away to attend college and law school. He decided to come back

Panicking when her toddler swallowing a tiny magnet; my sister, Betty, rushed him to the emergency

A guy was invited to an old friends' home for dinner. His buddy preceded every request to his

A Hawaii woodpecker and a California woodpecker were arguing about which place had the toughest trees.

An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living the last of his life in a nursing home. One day he appeared to

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife turning back and forth, looking at

1.Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue. 2.Press any key to continue or any other key to quit. 3.Press

Dear Mrs. Fenton, Over the past six months, your husband, Mr. Bill Fenton has been causing quite

Before the 2001 inauguration of George Bush, he was invited to a get-acquainted tour of the White

You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track. Logic is a systematic method

Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people

This not a widely known fact, mainly because of the little-known popularity of the celebrity involved.

We've all had the annoying experience of calling up a hotline and waiting on the phone for eons to

I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the Super Wal-Mart Shopping Center and rolled down the car

There once was a man who owned a sausage factory, and he was showing his arrogant preppy son around

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: 1 October 2005 RE: Christmas

10. Your Viagra prescription includes a Popsicle stick and some duct tape. 9. The only 100% covered

A man and his friend were enjoying Deer Hunting Season in rural Arkansas near a blacktop highway. A

Save all manner of bacon grease. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let

Name of Boyfriend/Fiancé/Husband: I request permission for a leave of absence from the highest

Two doctors opened offices in a small town and put up a sign reading, "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry

I checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely so I thought I'd get me one of those

1. The patient refused autopsy. 2. The patient has no previous history of suicides. 3. Patient

NUDITY I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat

I would not say that the future is necessarily less predictable than the past. I think the past was

A man in the Florida supermarket tries to buy half a head of lettuce. The very young produce assistant

While the barber is lathering the man up for his shave, the man expresses to the barber how he has

The following are new Windows messages that are under consideration for the Windows XP: 1. Enter

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true? A: Your heart is only

At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady truck up a conversation and

D A M N I T O L Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours. ST. M O

A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They

Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip...but there were problems everywhere.

Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered. Some

SCHIZOPHRENIA: Do you Hear What I Hear? MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER: We Three Kings Disoriented

PRESS RELEASE: Prime Minister of Canada to Visit Washington Statement by the Press Secretary President

Amy, a blonde city girl, marries a farmer. One morning, on his way out to the fields, the farmer says

Back in the time of the Samurai there was a powerful emperor who needed a new head Samurai so he sent

In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the day. During that time we regret that you

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls

Once again, The Washington Post published its yearly contest in which readers are asked to supply

1. Jesse Jackson, Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called "Ministers

Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new

THINGY (thing-ee) n. female: Any part under a car's hood. male: The strap fastener on a woman's

PARIS HILTON CALLS FOR END TO SWIFT BOAT FLAP Says It's drawing Attention Away From Her Hotel

How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened when she brings it. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Why

A man attempting to set up his new printer called the printer's tech Support number, complaining about

A cop stops a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. Since he's in a good mood that

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally

There were three boys all in third grade: an Asian boy, a Spanish boy and a redneck. They were trying

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington recently was faced with a unique

Modern medicine has come up with some great new stuff to make life easier ...: St. Mom's Wort ~

Essential NEW WORDS FOR 2004 editions for the work-place vocabulary: BLAMESTORMING Sitting around

10. Sometimes stays in bed till after 6 am. 9. In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women

Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each

Scenario: You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a

man died and went to The Judgment. St. Peter met him at the Gates of Heaven and said, "Before you

An investment counselor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept

The Doctor said: "The good news is I can cure your headaches...The bad news is that it will require

An office manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the Archangel

Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two prostitutes and take them to their separate hotel

Here are some observations about the politicians who run our country. They are from a Washington, D.C.travel

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the

This is a test for men only and all "real men" will answer "C" to all of these questions. However,

A customer service award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being so clever

A Chinese couple gets married - and she's a virgin. Truth be told, he is none too experienced either.

SUNDAY: 0800 - My 33 Sons 0830 - Osama Knows Best 0900 - I Dream of Mohammed 0930 - Let's

These are actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. Her face was a perfect oval,

A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto

It's even hotter than usual in Phoenix, 116 degrees sets a new record, the Associated Press reports: About

At a nursing home a group of seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments. "My arms

By Scott Roeben was a very wise man. But you'd never know it because he used such fancy-schmancy

CLASSIC VERSION: The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house

INSTRUCTIONS FOR MICROSOFT'S NEW TV DINNER PRODUCT: You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing

I took some friends out to dinner last week, and I noticed a spoon in the shirt pocket of our waiter

Today is my daughters 18th birthday......I'm so glad that this I my last....damn child support payment.

A man was feeling very depressed and walked into a bar and ordered a triple scotch whiskey. As the

A group of guys and one girl are sitting together at a ball game. During the game the guys notice

At an outdoor press conference, Al Gore was addressing harsh criticism of being "lifeless as a statue." "That

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have

A married couple went to he hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners

Three men - an American, a Japanese and an Irishman - were sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly there

A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona and sees that the car's oil-pressure light is on.

A man walked into a therapist's office looking very depressed. "Doc, you've got to help me. I can't

Add It Up: Relationship Guide For all you guys out there who just can't figure it out, here it is:

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry midterm. The answer

One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual Christmas gift for

The ambassador of a small African nation chanced to visit Russia, and was entertained by his opposite

As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Wilson became increasingly furious with her husband, who was

A little blonde girl comes back from school one evening. She runs to her mum and says: "Mummy today

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. --Henny Youngman The best way

1.) "If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all

A little old lady wanted to join a biker club. She knocked on the door of a local biker club and a

Two rednecks met in a bar and decided that they weren't going anywhere in life so thought they should

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how TRUE this is! They actually have a chili

A philosopher went into a closet for ten years to contemplate the question, What is life? When he came

Seems this hillbilly came to town carrying a jug of moonshine in one hand and a shotgun in the other.

Every Sunday, a little old lady placed $1,000 in the collection plate. This went on for weeks until

A man traveling by plane was in urgent need of a restroom facility. But each time he tried, it was

German scientists dug 50 metres underground and discovered small pieces of copper. After studying these

By the time John pulled into the little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room

A circus owner walked into a shop to see everyone crowded around a table watching a little show. On

Three men are sitting naked in the sauna. Suddenly there is a beeping sound. The first man presses

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money. The old guy fingered his expensive wool

A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a Lawyer are in a train. The Russian takes a bottle of the

An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he called his lawyer. "I want to become

A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell

For weeks a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister

A ten-year-old boy was failing math. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis, but to no

A woman goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw,

A principal of a small middle school had a problem with a few of the older girls starting to use

There were three friends Chris, John and Keith, who decided one sunny day to go for a walk in the

A man walked into a therapists office looking very depressed, "Doc, you've got to help me. I can't

Costello: Hey, Abbott! Abbot: Yes, Lou? Costello: I just got my first computer. Abbot: