probably

DOS Beer: Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the directions carefully

One day Bill Gates finally dies and goes to Heaven. Upon reaching the pearly white gates, he sees Saint

A computer science student is studying under a tree and another pulls up on a flashy new bike. The first

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.He breaks into a house to look for money and

Michael Jordan made over $300,000 a game. That equals $10,000 a minute, at an average of 30 minutes per

Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went to breakfast

It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When

The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of

The old man was a witness in a burglary trial. The defense lawyer asks Sam, "Did you see my client commit

What do you get when you cross an egg with a sperm? An

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her more

A firefighter is working on the engine outside

George W. Bush is visiting a primary school and

"If we don't change the direction we're going,

A woman visiting her doctorââ,¬â"¢s office

A plane is on its way to Houston when a blonde

There was an old couple sitting at a table. The

Angelina Jolie: I am so in love with my brother

Adam was talking to his friend at the bar, and

I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I

I think Santa Claus is a woman... I hate to be

Q. How do you annoy your girlfriend during sex? A.

A woman is at a doctor's office. She begs the

Where do the characters go when I use my backspace

"It was too bad I wasn't a second baseman; then

All quotes 100% authentic, and courtesey of George

JENNA'S PREDICAMENT Do we really wonder why Jenna

A Jewish temple is looking for a way to get the

1. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes. 2.

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." ...George

Advantages 1. It can get really weird 2. Someone

AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18) You have an inventive

The manager of a megastore came to check on his

Two weeks ago was my forty-fifth birthday, and

Before you leave your house... 1. Put on a little

It's the spring of 1957 and Bobby, a pretty hip

The other day I saw a ''Honk if you love Jesus''

A blonde heard that milk baths would make you beautiful.

I'll get a world record for this. Let me reach

One day, a farmer was tending to his livestock

An old man went to the social security office to

There are three types of sex in a marriage. The

Three turtles, Joe, Steve, and Poncho, decide

ARIES (Mar 21-Apr 19) You are the pioneer type

(which in our society means over 25) An older

10) ''They told me at the blood bank this might

1. Even though more people live on Vancouver Island,

1. You are sandwiched between French assholes and

1. When the elevator doors close, exclaim loudly

A group of guys were chatting with a good-looking

This blonde gets pulled over by a cop, who walks

Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after

A married couple went to the hospital to have their

I'm currently running the latest version of GirlFriend

It's the spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick

One time at a local golf course three shitty players

Little Tommy runs into the bathroom one day to

To my darling wife: During the past year,

The following are a sampling of REAL answers

The wealthy, high-society mother of a 17-year-old

At the 1994 annual awards dinner given for Forensic

Two engineering students were walking across campus

"No, really, I'm OK to drive."    

First and foremost, we are not obligated to do

There was this couple who had been married for

    Psychologists have discovered

Marge was in bed with a man (not her husband).

Mom and Dad were trying to console Susie, whose

Date     It's the Spring of 1957

$ Michael Jordan having "retired,"

A married couple went to the hospital to have their

Which Valentine's Day gift would you like? To determine

1. In the company of females, intercourse

Element Name: MAN Symbol: XY Atomic Weight: (180

Our Rights: The following was written by State

A guy sees his new neighbor out in his backyard,

Dear __________________________,    

A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave

1. Men are NOT mind readers. 2. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put

1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out. 2. Age is a very high price to pay for

Never buy a 'new' brand of beer because 'it was on sale.' If we're in the backyard and the TV in

Closer Than You Think! An unemployed man goes to apply for a job with Microsoft as a janitor. The

Tom did like he always does, kissing his wife, crawling into bed and falling to sleep. All of a sudden,

A women accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the

a.. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity. b.. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian

There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table

A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older

Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome. One has a cross in front of him; the other

A lady is throwing a party for her granddaughter, and had gone all out..... a caterer, band, and a

I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Pal at Big W and standing inline at the check out. A

Marge was in bed with a man (not her husband). All of a sudden, they heard a noise downstairs. "Oh,

1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow. 2. Money will buy a fine

Congress Votes to Outsource Presidency, Washington, DC (AP) Congress today announced that the office

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with

Grandma's letter; She is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes: Dear

I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to

TO: MR. JAMES THATCHER, BRAND MANAGER, PROCTER & GAMBLE. Dear Mr. Thatcher, I have been a loyal

People who live in glass houses should make love in the basement. Never read the fine print. There

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave

#10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22. #9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for

Question: What is the truest definition of Globalization? Answer: Princess Diana's death. Question:

Golf balls are like eggs. They're white, they're sold by the dozen, and every week you have to buy more. A

1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen. 2. When you get to

Last summer John met a woman while on vacation and fell head over heels in love with her. On the last

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried the

A friend of mine has a big Labrador retriever. While I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart

It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car.

Pretty soon, I won't be able to do anything except sit in my chair and read! I must send my thanks

A man goes into a store and asks the clerk for some "Polish Sausage." The clerk looked at him and

In case you have been waiting breathlessly for this year's Darwin Awards, here they are. The awards

Personal Ads That Were Probably NEVER Answered SWM: Roommate needed for six bedroom north side condo. $800/month

A Somali arrives in Minneapolis as a new immigrant to the United States. He stops the first person

One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches

It was last Wednesday night, and I was sitting in my room watching television when the phone rang. "Hello?" A

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the

The Mr. Right Rejection Letter Form Dear [____rejectee's name here_____], I regret to inform

There was a loser who couldn't get a date. He went to a bar and asked a guy how to get a date. The

- Your sister's a real knock-out. Is one of you adopted? - For the longest time I lived with a

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking

The couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted

A young doctor had moved out to a small rural community to replace the retiring country doctor. The

* Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong. * Keep skunks and bankers and

1. "Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife." 2. "I've always wanted

The power mower was broken and wouldn't run. A lady kept hinting to her husband that he should get

An old couple is having breakfast when the old woman says to her husband, "Just think, honey, we've

Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle.

People who live in glass houses should make love in the basement. Never read the fine print. There

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true? A: Your heart is only

1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out. 2. Age is a very high price to pay for

Man "Haven't we met before?" Woman "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic." Man "Haven't

One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of

I think Santa Claus is a woman .... I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's

Some of us Southerners are pretty skeptical of horoscopes and the people that read them. If we are

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet

It's the spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Bobby's a pretty hip guy

How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened when she brings it. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Why

Here's why . According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were kids in the 40's,

(This is supposedly a true story.) If you have children you will probably relate to this father.

Historical information you need to know about shipping Manure: In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything

25. Come up with 50 new shades of gray for Martha Stewart Paints. 24. Start marketing new "Martha

This is the best lawyer story of the year, decade, and probably the century. A Charlotte, NC, lawyer

Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday and I wasn't feeling too good that morning. I went to breakfast

Some of us Southerners are pretty skeptical of horoscopes and the people that read them. If we are

"Aim towards the Enemy." - Instruction printed on U.S. Rocket Launcher "When the pin is pulled,

A man was walking in the city, when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking bum

If you recall the old Hollywood Squares show, this will bring a tear to your eyes. They are worth

When a man in Macon, Georgia came upon a wild dog attacking a young boy, he quickly grabbed the animal

A blonde heard that milk baths make you beautiful so she left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons

A customer service award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being so clever

A nun was going to Chicago. She went to the airport and sat down waiting for her flight. She looked

A little old couple walked slowly into a McDonalds one cold winter evening. They looked out of place

Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed

INSTRUCTIONS FOR MICROSOFT'S NEW TV DINNER PRODUCT: You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing

NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial

A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little boy next door

A married couple went to he hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around looking for valuables and when

Two 80 year old men sat talking over the weather and the latest in medical science, and such, when

It's just too hot to wear clothes today," complained a man to his wife as he stepped out of the shower.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. 2. Learn to work the toilet seat; if

An old man was a witness in a burglary trial. The defense lawyer asks Sam, "Did you see my client

A man has a heart attack and is brought to the hospital ER. The doctor tells him that he will not live

A priest was taking a shortcut through an alley one day and came upon a young boy who was masturbating. "My

A defendant was on trial for murder in Oklahoma. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there

A priest and a nun are on their way back home from a trip when their car breaks down. They are unable

Costello: Hey, Abbott! Abbot: Yes, Lou? Costello: I just got my first computer. Abbot: