problem

A 93 year old man sitting on the street, crying. A woman asks him, what’s wrong? The old man

A woman goes to the doctor's office and says to him. "Doctor, I've got a strange problem I need your

A man walks into a bank,yells at the old lady at the teller window, he needs to open a "fuckin bank account".

A man with a 20-inch penis went to his doctor to complain that he was unable to get any women to have

One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered

A wife arrived home from a shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed naked, with a

A man is out drinking with his buddies one night and suddenly realizes he has stayed out too late and

TO: All employeesFROM: The bossDATE: August 3, 2000RE: Foul LanguageIt has been brought to management's

A man had been driving all night and by morning was still far from his destination. He decided to stop

Sam and a beautiful woman walk into a very posh Beverly Hills furrier. "Show the lady your finest mink!"

An old man and his young wife were getting divorce at a local court. But the custody of children posed

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, Harry,

PPO = Preferred Provider OrganizationHMO = Health Maintenance OrganizationThe Queen of England was visiting

A lady approaches her priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots,

A man is having problems with his dick, which certainly had seen better times. He consults a doctor who,

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, then catch them

A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car

The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of

A guy was talking with his friend in a bar and told him, "My sex life sucks, just when things start to

A man goes to a restaurant and orders a chicken dish. By the time the food is ready and he is about to

There's this guy who's in the market for a used motorcycle. Always wanted a nice big hog. So he's shopping

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? Well, I hope you remember my story when they

A husband and wife came for counseling after 20

A sad man walks into a bar, and the bartender asks

An elderly lady phoned her telephone company to

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble

A Florida couple, both well into their 80s, go

How many programmers does it take to screw in a

George W. was out jogging one morning along the

One day Little Sally got her "monthly bleeding"

A gentleman on a flight to Atlanta had a serious

A blonde is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory.

A motorcycle cop pulled over a Lamborghini Diablo

A guy goes to his doctor because heââ,¬â"¢s

Mickey and Minnie have been having problems for

Q: Why is the math book always upset? A: Because

A young man goes out and buys the best car on the

George W. Bush was out jogging one morning when

Once there was a man who was peacefully driving

Halle Berry got a $500,000 bonus for her much-ballyhooed,

A very religious man lived right next door to an

Dear Tech Support: Last year I upgraded from

A man had a bad case of stuttering. He went to

God: Men, what car you get in Heaven will depend

I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I

Two hobbits walk into a bar where one of them picks

"There are only two reasons to sit in the back

Three couples went to see a minister to find out

A modern Orthodox Jewish couple, preparing for

According to a news report, a certain private school

This woman owned two Dachshunds, a male and a female. A

I think Santa Claus is a woman... I hate to be

If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company,

Q. How do you annoy your girlfriend during sex? A.

A guy goes to see a doctor and when they get into

A rookie pitcher was struggling at the mound, so

I. Know that although the cat has the advantage

John Rocker was on a NY subway and many people

In this world God made Eve first and one day he

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." ...George

During his campaign, George W. Bush and his advisors

A man walked into the office of the eminent psychiatrist

Advantages 1. It can get really weird 2. Someone

This guy was having a problem with mice in his

Three couples went in to see the minister about

A woman went to her priest with a problem. "Father,

And the Lord spoke to Noah: ''In six months I'm

One day Kermit the Frog was looking sad. Fozzie

There was this nouveau riche blond girl, who went

Two guys are at the doctor's office, each has got

AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18) You have an inventive

A woman and her husband go to the doctor because

This middle-aged guy wakes up one morning and notices

One day the king of a fairly large country was

In the year 3000, animals rule the Earth; they

Two aliens land their plasmic cosmo craft in Jack

A man is in court for murder and the judge says,

One Friday night in San Fransisco, a man hops a

This guy goes to the doctors office and tells the

A farmer rears 25 young hens and one old cock.

Bubba was Alabama's star lineman. He was great

The elderly man told his wife he was going to sign

There was a Irishman, Mexican, and a blond guy,

A small north Florida wild animal park had acquired

A redneck felt sick and decided to go to the doctor.

A little boy came home from school one day and

An Englishman, a Frenchman and an Irishman were

Once there was a blonde who really needed some

A group of students had a biology lab. As a part

A very old couple wanted to have children, so

One day Pinocchio came to Gepetto with a problem.

The Pope goes to New York. He is picked up at

Mary can't stand Sunday school, but her brother

Two attorneys boarded a flight out of Seattle.

This guy lives in Westchester, NY and goes to

A man walks into a bar and sees a large chest of

One evening, a man was at home watching TV and

If you throw a party, the worst thing you can do

President Clinton and the Pope died on the same

In the realm of the Mighty King Gates who has pulled

A lady shows up at her doctor's appointment. The

A blonde has been working in a broom factory since

The world is going to end in three days, so God

"Jimmy," says the teacher, "what would happen if

Once upon a time there were two men. One of them

A certain zoo had acquired a very rare species

An Eskimo man awoke one day with the urge to go

This Story is true!!! For all of you who occasionally

A road consturction manager needed to hire someone

A very sick man is in the hospital, and on many

This blonde woman went to Canada to seek her fortune

An English prisoner of war was held by the Germans.

A man walks into a bar with three little ducks

Woman: I have a problem. Doctor: Well, are you

The problem with political jokes is that they get

A husband and wife were having some problems in

One day Bill complained to his friend that his

ARIES (Mar 21-Apr 19) You are the pioneer type

MEMORANDUM RE: Computer Software Warning Last

There were three couples, one elderly, one middle

For years it has been believed that electric bulbs

A newlywed couple had a slight problem when it

There's a man in the prison hospital on death row

This guy is having an affair with a married woman

10) ''They told me at the blood bank this might

How many programmers does it take to screw in a

Bill Clinton and the Pope die on the same day,

1. Everybody assumes you're an asshole 2. Racism

A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive

One day, Saint Peter called up to Heaven Bill Clinton,

Bob walks into a public bathroom and notices a

There once was a very distraught woman, who was

A guy has a bad habit: He loves to hit pedestrians

A young man and a young woman were soon to be married,

A teacher asked a pupil a question, but she could

A man goes to a doctor for his annual prostate

About ten years ago, George Bush was visiting Mikhail

There was an Asian lady who married an English

Always take the time to smell the roses... and

Once upon a time there lived a woman in Brampton

Little Johnny was in the kitchen playing with his

A state trooper spied a car puttering along at

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town,

* We got off the Titanic first. * We can scare

What did one math book say to the other math book?

Women claim that computers should be referred to

Zeus and Thor are up on Mt. Olympus and Thor is

This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up.

Grandfather and grandson, on a stroll on their

I'm currently running the latest version of GirlFriend

''Man who do business in whorehouse get jerked

A beautiful young blond woman boards a plane to

These three guys are out having a relaxing day

A guy who has a stuttering problem says to his

A man was walking on the beach when he happened

Two 6 year old boys were attending religous school

Jesus and Moses are walking along the beach when

A fat dude goes to his doctors, because he needed

A guy enters a bar and he finds a friend of his.

A fellow walks into a bar very down on himself.

A man visits the doctor's because he has a severe

There's this husband and wife that have twin beds

For the first time in, oh, a decade, I think, something

There was a boss who was told by his boss that

Q: How many Computer Scientists does it take to

How many union guys does it take to change a lightbulb?

You lose arguments with inanimate objects. You

This guy is suffering from extereme abdominal pain

To my darling wife: During the past year,

An elderly husband and wife noticed that they were

How many teamsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

All men are idiots, and I married their King.

The following are a sampling of REAL answers

As he is quietly watching television at home, a

One morning, a man approached the first tee, only

Dear Tide, I have always used your product

There was once a man who had problems satisfying

A bald man with a peg leg gets invited to a costume

There's a woman that has a big problem when it

George W. Bush, Dick Cheney, Colin Powell, and

A man goes to his doctor and says, ''Doctor, Doctor,

Three men heard rumors of a mountaintop where God

Squawks are problems left behind by airplane pilots

A married man visits a sex therapist because he

A dentist is talking to his patient about the sanitary

One day a farmer was sitting around with one of

You might be a redneck if you think subdivision

Cross my heart this happened to someone. This guy

Women think they already know everything, but wait...training

20) "That's weird..." 19) "It's

As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I can get

One day a group of eminent scientists got together

There was a little boy named Johnny who used to

Male Seminarsby Females 1.  Combatting 

1. Life is sexually transmitted. 2. Two wrongs

1. You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

Doris and Fred had started their retirement years

Is your computer male or female? As you are aware,

Due to widespread panic about the Y2K bug, Internet

Joe was moderately successful in his career, but

Sam and a beautiful woman walk into a very posh

A young blonde stock broker was bored with her

A women desperately looking for work goes into

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to

A guy walked into a bar one day and said to the

    On preparing to return home

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says,

A farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster and

1) Everyone around you has an attitude problem. 2)

The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven. He's

"COMPETITIVE SALARY"  We remain

    Marol spent her wedding night

The scene was a tiny mountain village in a remote

    Stupid people should have to

    One day, a mechanic was working

A man went to visit his doctor. "Doc, my arm hurts

Ã, Ã, Ã,  A teenage boy and his grandfather

TO: Boss FROM: Blondie RE: Changing Calendars from

An army major visits the sick soldiers, goes up

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town,

A couple, both age 67, went to a sex therapist's

A businessman returns from the far east. After

A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the

A farmhand is driving 'round the farm, checking

1. In the company of females, intercourse

A woman went to her priest with a problem. "Father,

    For all you guys out there who

Jack tells his doctor how he can no longer sustain

Three couples went in to see the minister to see

Introductory Chemistry at Duke has been taught

A blonde wanted to sell her car, but couldn't find

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's

One day, Jeffrey complained to his friend, "My

An elderly lady phoned her telephone company to report that her telephone failed to ring when her

1. Men are NOT mind readers. 2. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put

BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a CHANGE! The chicken

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique

Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak. But all

Four United States Presidents get caught up in a tornado.... and off they whirled to the land

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul

Two bees met in a field. One said to the other, "How are things going?" "Really bad," said the second

In a tiny village on the Irish coast lived an old lady, a virgin and very proud of it. Sensing that

A guy had been feeling down for so long that he finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist.

A women accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the

A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems

A young woman was having a physical examination and was embarrassed because of a weight problem. As

INFORMATION YOU NEED TO HELP YOU CHOOSE YOUR NEXT HEALTH PLAN .. Q. What does HMO stand for? A.

One day George was betting on the ponies nearly losing his shirt, when he noticed a priest who had

A new manager spends a week at his new office with the manager he is replacing. On the last day

A blonde is roller-skating down the board-walk one day. She's just skating along in her lycra pants,

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new

A retired corporate executive, now a widower, decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean

Four college friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to go up to Dallas

Customer: Hi. How much is your paint? Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things. Customer:

The ambitious coach of a girls track team gives the squad steroids. The teams performance soars. They

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the

Yesterday I went to the doctor for my yearly physical. My blood pressure was high, my cholesterol

A young Southern boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 of the way through the semester, he has foolishly

A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO It is also the most

The Best and Worst Comments Received: "Text is useless. I use it to kill roaches in my room."

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar. Woods turns to Wonder and says: How is the singing career

Congress Votes to Outsource Presidency, Washington, DC (AP) Congress today announced that the office

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with

"Doctor," the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore. "Mr.

An eighty year old man was having an annual physical. As the doctor was listening to his heart with

The latest poll taken by the office of the Governor of Texas asked whether people who live in Texas

A husband and wife came for counselling after 25 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was,

Bubba went to a psychiatrist. "I've got problems. Everytime I go to bed I think there's somebody under

Over drinks one afternoon a buddy of mine and I were discussing former "loves". I told him that I once

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a

To all Employees: It has been brought to Management's attention that some individuals throughout

1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen. 2. When you get to

Hang on to any of the new State of Alabama quarters. If you have them; they may be worth much more

A Hawaii woodpecker and a California woodpecker were arguing about which place had the toughest trees.

Last summer John met a woman while on vacation and fell head over heels in love with her. On the last

Running Doe, a young Native American woman went to a doctor for her first ever physical exam. After

There was a midget down in Texas whose testicles ached almost all the time. The midget went to

I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy."

You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track. Logic is a systematic method

Little Johnny had a cussing problem and his father was getting tired of it. He decided to ask his

A woman went to the doctor's office and was seen by one of the new young doctors. After about four

This guy walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a freakin' checking

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas." The barman says,

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a good looking, older retired

Life isn't like a box of chocolates; it's more like a jar of jalapenos: you never know what's going

A young couple on the brink of divorce visit a marriage counsellor. The counsellor asks the wife what

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. He played with his toys in her bedroom while

George W. was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing

There will be no Nativity Scene in Washington, DC this year ! The Supreme Court has ruled that there

Two golfing friends were about to tee off, when one fellow noticed that his partner had but one golf

Dear Husband: I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida, are all excited about their decision to get

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.

Customer: Hi. How much is your paint? Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things. Customer:

A couple in their nineties are BOTH having problems remembering things. They decide to go to the doctor

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God... "Lord, I have a problem!" "What's the

At dawn the telephone rings. "Hello, Senor Humphrey? This is Ernesto the caretaker at your country

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. "So, how is everything going?" inquired

Tired of being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decides to solve both problems

A man and woman were having marriage problems, and decided to end their union after a very short time

1. "I got kicked out of Riverdance for using my arms." - Michael Flatley (lead Riverdancer) 2.

In the year 2005, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said, "Once

Fidel dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, St. Peter tells him that he is not on the list and

A man goes into hospital for a vasectomy. When he wakes up he's surrounded by several anxious looking

Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to get his wife's test results. The lab technician says to

THE WIT AND THE WISDOM OF HOMER J.SIMPSON "Now son, you don't want to drink beer. That''s for Daddys,

Useful phrases when dealing with the general population. Try to incorporate these into your conversations

If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise. - Unknown Some days you're the dog; some

Note: Sometimes a story comes along that needs no polishing or enhancement to make it better.

A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem

A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem. The

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and

A Mexican man becomes an instant millionaire after winning the lottery. With his newfound wealth,

Helpdesk: What kind of computer do you have? Female customer: A white one... -------------------------------------------------------------------- Hi,

Dear Tech Support: Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the

Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip...but there were problems everywhere.

"People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on

I think Santa Claus is a woman .... I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's

George Carlin Speaks Out... I Am Your Worst Nightmare. I am a BAD American. I am George Carlin. I

Some of us Southerners are pretty skeptical of horoscopes and the people that read them. If we are

I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem. If swimming is so good for your

"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand." Woody

Hang on to any of the new State of Arkansas quarters. If you have them, they may be worth much more

Accountant - Someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing. Auditor - Someone

A wife arrived home from a shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed naked, with

A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. While the religious one prayed day in, day

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of sh*t . 2. I don't know what your

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck,

A woman had 8 children, all of them boys. So, one day a magazine sent a journalist to her house for

I'm worried that I'm losing my wife's love," the husband told the counselor. "Has she started to

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me.

I once received a fax with a note on the bottom to fax the document back to the sender when I was

Here's why . According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were kids in the 40's,

Dear Abby, I am a crack dealer in Beaumont, Texas who has recently been diagnosed as a carrier

George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to hell where the devil is waiting for him. "I

A biker stopped by the local Harley Shop to have his bike repaired. They couldn't do the work while

Male Seminars by Females 1. Combatting Stupidity 2. You, Too, Can Do Housework 3. PMS: Learn

An elderly lady phoned her telephone company to report that her telephone failed to ring when her friends

Dear Tech Support: Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slow down

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington recently was faced with a unique

Essential NEW WORDS FOR 2004 editions for the work-place vocabulary: BLAMESTORMING Sitting around

There was a midget down in Texas whose testicles hurt and ached almost all the time. The midget went

Russian President Putin called President George W. Bush with an emergency. "Our largest condom factory

Hang on to any of the new Newfoundland quarters. If you have them, they may be worth much more than

1. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever! Unless you actually

Some of us Southerners are pretty skeptical of horoscopes and the people that read them. If we are

Here are some conversations that actually happened between help desk people and their customers. Customer:

A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital. Just before he was

An eighteen-year-old Italian girl tells her mom that she has missed her period for two months. Very

The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven. He's met by the reception committee, and after a whirlwind

A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party. He doesn't know what costume to wear

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take

Description Missus manifests as a female humanoid providing cooking/cleaning features, and a sitting-room/TV

FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80's, slim, 5'4" (used to be 5'6"), searching

Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Rick the computer guy, to come over. Rick clicked

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go

A guy went to a psychiatrist because he was having severe problems with his sex life. The psychiatrist

1. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards,

What do you expect from such simple creatures!? Their last name stays put. The garage is all

There was this Asian lady married to an English gentleman and they lived in London. The poor lady

Storming into his lawyer's office, a Texas oil magnate demanded that divorce proceedings begin at once

A woman desperately looking for work went into a factory. The personnel manager looked over her resume

Hubby - You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why? Wife - When there is a problem,

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of

I took some friends out to dinner last week, and I noticed a spoon in the shirt pocket of our waiter

Dear Diary: Day 1 Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem doctor. Every time we're in bed

A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse. The horse's trainer meets him

The boss ordered one of his men to dig a hole eight feet deep. After the job was completed the boss

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife

A blonde named Mary decides to do something really wild. Something she hasn't done before, so she

An entire new strain of viruses has just been uncovered and we wanted to get this information to you

This little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with passing gas, but

A few years ago, the Sierra Club and the U.S. Forest Service were presenting an alternative to Wyoming

A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems

A lawyer from New York was transferred to a small frontier town during the settlement of the West.

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have

A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona and sees that the car's oil-pressure light is on.

Three doctors were driving together to the hospital when they had an accident and all three died.

"Diane, I just don't understand?! I don't have a boyfriend or a husband, I can never get a date and

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm.

A man walked into a therapist's office looking very depressed. "Doc, you've got to help me. I can't

Add It Up: Relationship Guide For all you guys out there who just can't figure it out, here it is:

A businessman and his secretary, overcome by passion, retire to his house for what is popularly termed

These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to go up to Dallas

Three Pastors were having lunch together at a diner. The first Pastor said, "Ya know, since summer

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual

After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford

The story is told of a Mexican bandit who robbed a Texas bank of $250,000 and escaped across the river. A

Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view. The fact that no one

This woman goes to a pet store to purchase some dog food. She puts the bag of food up on the counter

A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a 1999 Ferrari GTO. It is also most expensive

A couple were golfing one day on a very exclusive golf course, lined with million-dollar houses.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. 2. Learn to work the toilet seat; if

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating

A woman walks into a tattoo parlour. 'Do you do custom work?' she asks the artist. 'Why of course!' 'Good.

Alaskan Birthday Party Sam has been in business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He

A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn't been feeling well. The doctor examines him,

Blonde Boater A True Story Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an

This memo is from an unnamed computer company. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral

A driver is pulled over by a policeman. Man: Is there a problem Officer? Officer: Sir, you were

A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes

1. When you run away in the middle of a perfectly good leg humping. 2. Blaming your

A man was called in for an audit by the IRS. So he asked his accountant for advice on what to wear.

A streetwalker was visiting her doctor for a regular check-up. "Any specific problems you should

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his

A man tells a doctor, "I think my wife's going deaf. What can I do?" The doctor says, "Well, try

Dave was the vice-president of ACME inc. One day the president,Mr. Smith called him into his office.He

God summons St. Peter and says, "St. Peter, we have a problem. Heaven is full. However, we have a

There were two men trying to decide what to do for a living. They went to see a counsellor, and he

Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to collect his wife's test results. The lab tech says to him,

There was a man with a daughter, son, and a wife. The man and his wife were not having very good sex

On little Larry's first day of first grade, he raised his hand as soon as the teacher came into the

Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was

On preparing to return home from an out of town trip, a man got a small puppy as a present for his

By the time John pulled into the little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room

A bear is sitting in the middle of a forest taking the biggest shit of his life and feeling dam good

A drill sergeant was known to be brusque with his men. His lieutenant warned him to try to be more

A man received a bill for his as yet unused credit card stating that he owed $0.00. He ignored it and

An elderly lady finished her shopping and, upon return to the parking lot, found four men in her car.

A young man was delighted to finally be asked home to meet the parents. He was quite nervous about

A boy takes his girlfriend back to her home after being out together, and when they reach the front

A magician worked on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so

A woman is becoming increasingly worried that she might never find a mate. She wonders if there is

An elderly pair (he a widower, she a widow) meet in a retirement village. They seem to hit it off;

A priest was taking a shortcut through an alley one day and came upon a young boy who was masturbating. "My

Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the

TO: Boss FROM: Blondie RE: Changing Calendars from Y2K I hope that I haven't misunderstood your

A priest and a nun are on their way back home from a trip when their car breaks down. They are unable

A truck driver would amuse himself by running over lawyers he would see walking down the side of the

A woman goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female

A cute little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it

A principal of a small middle school had a problem with a few of the older girls starting to use

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating

A man walked into a therapists office looking very depressed, "Doc, you've got to help me. I can't

A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place: Man: What's the problem

Costello: Hey, Abbott! Abbot: Yes, Lou? Costello: I just got my first computer. Abbot:

so michael jackson is on his private plane...and he's in the back with a bunch of little boys. So