quick

A man was in a long line at Target. As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms,

There was a huge nut tree by the cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and

In San Francisco, a man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into a local branch and wrote,

This one is long but well worth reading!In case your frustration level rises today, this is for everyone

A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!"I grabbed my stuff,

Question : Ms. America, how do you describe a male organ in your country?Ms. America : Well, I can

A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things to be self-sufficient

There was this little boy about 12 years old walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a

Three guys died and went to heaven. St Paul was there looking down at the three of them, one is a reknowned

The class was very noisy just now because there wasn't any teacher, but now everyone suddenly turned

Little Johnny watched the science teacher start the experiment with the worms.Four worms were placed

At school, a boy was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that

It was the final examination for an introductory English course at the UW. Like many such freshman courses,

There was once a Scotsman and an Englishman who lived next door to each other. The Scotsman owned a hen

At school, Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret,

This boy has just taken his girlfriend back to her home after being out together, and when they reach

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? Well, I hope you remember my story when they

One day when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someoneandwritten the word 'penis' in

A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a bottle laying in the street. Suddenly out

Some time ago, there was this artist, who worked from a studio in his home. He specialized in nudes,

A guy was seated next to a 10-year-old girl on

Mark your calendar with the multitude of holidays

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night

A blond died her hair brown because she was tired

Q. What's the definition of a Yankee? A. Same

A big-city California lawyer went duck hunting

One day, a priest decides to take a walk to the

It was a dark, foggy night. A man was wandering

James Bond walks intoa bar and takes a seat next

FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS, CLASS OF 2003! First of all

Once there was a man who was peacefully driving

EXCITABLE : Shorts half twisted around, cannot

This week, the Bush administration finally released

A secretary for a foreign embassy was entertaining

1. Lower corner of screen has the words "Etch-a-sketch"

A Drunken Night A guy wakes up in a drunken stupor,

I saw an interview in which an expert on military

A husband and wife entered the dentist's office.

A guy goes to a house of prostitution. He selects

1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon

Dear Tech Support: Last year I upgraded from

One day George W. Bush and Dick Cheney walk into

On the first day of school in Houston, a teacher

Joe and Wanda had a small apartment in the city.

10. Keep your back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder

Two guys are drinking together, when one of them

I hate aspects of this time of year. Not for its

My answer to "What to do with Bin Laden?" Well,

An Auburn student spent a holiday in New Mexico

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he

A ship of Marines is sailing along one day when

486: The average IQ needed to understand a PC.

Britney Spears had just bought her new car and

A man was having an affair with a married woman.

An Alabama man turned 18 and went to a local house

I. Know that although the cat has the advantage

Two Yankees fans are on a train up to Boston to

President Bush and Dick Cheney are having lunch

As a pre-med student at Washington University in

Advantages 1. It can get really weird 2. Someone

A drunk had been at a pub all night. At last call,

A young couple is out for a romantic Valentine's

AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18) You have an inventive

A private was serving duties at his barracks in

A gynecologist was getting sick of his job and

A man had a habit of buying things immediately

It was Saturday morning and Jake, an avid hunter,

One fine day in the middle of class at school,

Q: What do you call a one-man quickie? A: A yankee!

A young man gets sent to jail, and gets put into

A man strolls into a pharmacy and asks the assistant

A guy walks into a bar, sits down and says to the

A small north Florida wild animal park had acquired

Jack be nimble, Jack be quick Jack jumped over

(Setting: A furious lightsaber duel is underway.

A man was in a bad accident and was injured. But

This guy lives in Westchester, NY and goes to

Three drifters are roaming the countryside for

1) Excitable -- Shorts half-twisted around, cannot

A rather confident young man walks into a bar and

Billy was 14 and just started jerking off. He loved

A soldier at the Pentagon got out of the shower,

A certain zoo had acquired a very rare species

Good: Your children are sexually active. Bad: With

1. Throughly clean the toilet. 2. Add the required

This Story is true!!! For all of you who occasionally

This blonde woman went to Canada to seek her fortune

One day, there's a man and his wife driving along

A 47 year-old lady gets a facelift. It turns out

One day Bill complained to his friend that his

ARIES (Mar 21-Apr 19) You are the pioneer type

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when

A young girl and her boyfriend are driving down

A man walks into a whorehouse looking for a little

One day, a man walks into a whorehouse and says,

Three contractors were visiting a tourist attraction

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but

There was once a Scotsman and an Englishman who

For years it has been believed that electric bulbs

This guy is having an affair with a married woman

A man was eating in a fancy restaurant, and there

It was the day after Thanksgiving and all thru

A man was out of town on business. While sitting

A Cork, Ireland radio station was holding an on-air

A blind man walked into a diner and made a strange

The Smiths had no children and decided to use a

Artery: Study of paintings Bacteria: Backdoor

One day four nuns are called to the priests chambers.

* Take shopping carts for the express purpose of

A group of guys are on their way to a party, but

Two bored casino dealers were waiting at the craps

"Where are you going to take Vampira on your date?"

Last week I took some friends out to a restaurant,

A guy runs into a bar and says, "Bartender, quick!

An old wizard was walking through a park when he

It's wise to remember how easily e-mail can be

A 7-year-old and his 4-year-old brother are upstairs

In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop a beautiful

This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up.

Once a man saw a board outside his friend's office

What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand?

What's the quickest way to a man's heart? Through

Two guys were working for the city. One would

Little Johnny walked into his dad's bedroom one

Two blondes are driving down the freeway chugging

He's teaching her arithmetic, he said it was his

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all enter a

I'm sitting on this plane, eating my dinner, when

Cross my heart this happened to someone. This guy

A guy heard from his doctor that masturbating before

A married man goes to confessional and tells the

    One day many years ago, a fisherman's

1. Life is sexually transmitted. 2. Two wrongs

Joe and Wanda had a small apartment in the city

WHAT WOMEN SAY & REALLY MEAN: CAN'T WE JUST

"You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women,

An 83-year old woman decided that she'd seen and

An old man from a far off land was once on the

A guy goes into a drugstore to buy condoms. "What

Three couples were married and stayed at the same

A young blonde stock broker was bored with her

After several years of serving the church in a

Aging Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly

When the ark's door was closed, Noah called a meeting

A Denton, Texas man was arrested for filing a false

A blind man was describing his favorite sport -

Steve was in a terrible accident at work. However,

A little old lady was sitting on her front porch

20. The hole closed on him before he could penetrate

BETTER HOLD ON TO THOSE PANTIES...THEY COULD COME

Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher

Sitting by the window in her convent, Sister Anne

A man and his wife entered a dentist's office.

A secretary for a foreign embassy was entertaining

    Psychologists have discovered

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night

One day when the teacher walked to the black board,

An Ohio State University mortician student walked

    Every night after dinner, Merle

Dr. Seuss as Technical Writer If a packet hits

Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died yesterday

Which Valentine's Day gift would you like? To determine

A young female teacher was giving an assignment

    An OHIO STATE UNIVERSITY mortician

10. The quicker picker upper! 9. One a day,

Our Rights: The following was written by State

Two boys are playing football in Central Park when

A large, powerfully-built guy meets a woman at

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night.

One day, Jeffrey complained to his friend, "My

A brash young man strolls into a bar and takes a seat next to a stunningly attractive woman. He gives

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said,

A man walks in a bank, gets in line, and when it's his turn he pulls out a gun and robs the bank! But,

A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator? The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator,

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Wairarapa. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine

Closer Than You Think! An unemployed man goes to apply for a job with Microsoft as a janitor. The

A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor,

A nun was in a hurry on her way to her job at the local Catholic Charity Hospital when her car suddenly

A man went on a business trip to China and wanted to buy some gifts for his kids. He went to a shop

At a recent convention of biological scientists, one researcher remarked to another, "Did you know

An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married & settled down in their old neighborhood.

One day George was betting on the ponies nearly losing his shirt, when he noticed a priest who had

A new manager spends a week at his new office with the manager he is replacing. On the last day

A man and a woman, who have never met before, but are both married to other people, found themselves

A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older

Two couples were playing poker one evening. Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When

A highway patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and

No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do: 1.They replicate quickly - okay, Windows does

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon

A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda,

Have You Ever Been Guilty Of Looking At Others Your Own Age And Thinking, "surely I Can't Look

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was

I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to

Joe passed away. His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last guests departed

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with

Dick Cheney and George W. Bush were having breakfast at the White House. The attractive waitress asks

A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the

It's wise to remember how easily email can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences. Consider

welve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row,

A 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband, decided that

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play - normally one club and two balls. 2. Play

After getting all of The Pope's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of the University

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon. Four worms

According to the FBI, most modern-day bank robberies are "unsophisticated and unprofessional crimes,"

A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished,

One Friday afternoon, two secretaries were hanging around the water cooler at the office. "Veronica,

Rejected Titles Before Settling on BrokeBack Mountain: HIGH NOONER JEREMIAH'S JOHNSON TRUE,

9. Promises to improve foreign relations with Hawaii. 8. Runs a series of attack ads against Martin

When a woman wears leather clothing: A man's heart beats quicker, and his throat gets dry, and

Twas the day after Christmas, and all through the house, Every creature was hurtin', even the mouse. The

Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring another bull onto the ranch,

In a small Southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone

Shortly thereafter Jesse Jackson went to a Sears and started raising all kinds of hell in the appliance

An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married & settled down in their old neighborhood. To

WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (the actual AP headline) Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego,

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One

I am very detail-oreinted. My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability

The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of

--Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife

Born 1903-Died 1942 Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car was on the way down. It was. ****************************** In

A young doctor had moved out to a small rural community to replace the retiring country doctor. The

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very, very dark, so

A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of alcohol, so

If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise. - Unknown Some days you're the dog; some

Two guys were walking in the woods one day, and they all of a sudden came across a bear. The bear noticed

A young man, who was also an avid golfer, found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He

Leah phones her husband at work, "Izzy, do you have time for a chat?" "Sorry, darling, this is not

A panda walked into a bar. He went up to the bar and said "I'd like a steak and kidney pie and a Coke

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl. 2.

Married Priests in Catholic Church a Long Time Coming Prosecutors Want Victim in Courtroom During

I know you have an interest in poker - here's a twist. Two couples were playing cards one evening.

A blind man was describing his favorite sport... parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished,

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young

Dear Tech Support: Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slow down

A man enters his favorite ritzy restaurant and while sitting at his regular table, he notices a gorgeous

Little Johnny watched the science teacher start the experiment with the worms. Four worms were

After a round of golf, four ladies sat around the club house, chatting. Seeing the ladies, the Pro

One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer.

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. Gardening

A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff,

We are sick and tired of hearing about how dumb people in the South are. We challenge any so-called

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "10 lamb

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan

The Doctor said: "The good news is I can cure your headaches...The bad news is that it will require

A man walked into a bar near Lexington, KY and ordered a beer just as former President Clinton appeared

One day George W. Bush and Dick Cheney walk into a diner. A waitress walks up to them and asks if

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take

When a man in Macon, Georgia came upon a wild dog attacking a young boy, he quickly grabbed the animal

3 contractors are in a bar after work enjoying a cold one, when a truck crashes into the bar killing

A Policeman was drilling 3 blondes, who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in

A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, "What'll

I took some friends out to dinner last week, and I noticed a spoon in the shirt pocket of our waiter

Where does an Irish family go on vacation? A different bar. Did you hear about the Chinese couple

THE VALUE OF UNDIES-- Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle... From

A young preacher was contacted by the local funeral director to hold a grave-side committal service

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from pest-control company. One afternoon

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all

A brigade of Iraqi soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand

A man was feeling very depressed and walked into a bar and ordered a triple scotch whiskey. As the

At school Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret,

Ben was working at the lumberyard one day, pushing a tree through the saw, when he accidentally cut

A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things to be self-sufficient

A married man goes to confessional and tells the priest, "I had an affair with a woman - almost." The

One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual Christmas gift for

A man was in a long line at the grocery store. As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten

A travelling salesman of agricultural machinery was on a three week tour through the hinterlands of

This farmer had an old rooster and he thought it might be time to get a new young rooster to service

Top brass from the Army, Navy and Marine Corps were arguing about who had the bravest troops. They

Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and

A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives

When Uncle Charlie died of old age, Bill was bequeathed his uncle's prized Amazon parrot. This parrot

At the Urinal, An accountant, a lawyer and a cowboy were standing side-by-side using the urinal. The

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the sea, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room where their family member lay gravely

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in South Louisiana. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into

An Avon Lady was delivering products in a high-rise and was riding in the elevator. Suddenly, she had

A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may

A guy goes to the pharmacist and says, "Listen, these two girls are coming over this weekend, and they

A lawyer, laying on his deathbed in his bedroom, called to his wife and told her to run and get the

A man has a heart attack and is brought to the hospital ER. The doctor tells him that he will not live

A boy takes his girlfriend back to her home after being out together, and when they reach the front

Three women who work in the same office notice that their female boss has started leaving work early

Aging Mildred was a 93 year old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her

At school, a boy is told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that

There was a huge nut tree by the cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and

A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her 6th grade class one day. It was a large assignment

Every night after dinner, Merle took off for the local watering hole. He would spend the whole evening

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing.

A ten-year-old boy was failing math. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis, but to no

David received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse

Merv was in a terrible accident at work. He fell through a floor tile and ripped off both of his ears.

A guy was seated next to a 10-year-old girl on an airplane. Being bored, he turned to the girl and