reach

One day Bill Gates finally dies and goes to Heaven. Upon reaching the pearly white gates, he sees Saint

In a west Texas town, employees in a medium-sized warehouse noticed the smell of gas. Sensibly, management

A man was in a long line at Target. As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms,

In a company there's this tai-chi king. His tai-chi has reached the level where even the boss could do

In San Francisco, a man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into a local branch and wrote,

A man walking down the street noticed a small boy trying to reach the doorbell of a house. Even when

There was girl who was a prostitute, but her grandmother didn't know about her occupation.One day, the

A blond man showed up at work one day with a black eye. When his co-workers saw him they asked him what

At Night. The wife had curled up ready to go to sleep, and the husband put his A typical married couple

A guy walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, "Listen, I have three girls coming over tonight.

A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him. As he sits down, the bartender comes over and

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain

A man with a bad stomach complaint goes to his local doctor and asks him what he can do. The doctor replies

After gaining a small family inheritance, a redneck family was visiting a mall. The father and son were

There's this guy who's in the market for a used motorcycle. Always wanted a nice big hog. So he's shopping

This boy has just taken his girlfriend back to her home after being out together, and when they reach

RelationshipsWhen a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and

A drunk in a bar barfs all over his own shirt.

It was a dark, foggy night. A man was wandering

A blonde and a brunette are in a bar. As they order

A plane leaves Los Angeles airport under the control

A blonde was out on a date. Her date said you

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop. Right away they

How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb? ââ,¬Å"Such

Saddam Hussein and George Bush are seated next

20. The cucumber has left the salad. 19. I can

1. If being chased through town, you can usually

Ignoring the fact that George Bush declined Saddam

A man hated his wife's cat and he decided to get

A truck driver had a 2 day lay-over during the

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods,

I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary

A preacher woke up one Sunday morning and looked

Dear Mr. Blix, Welcome to Iraq! It is so good

SICKNESS AND RELATED LEAVE: We will no longer

A guy was taking a new bus route for the first

It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered

Questions and answers selected from tests in Springdale,

Oil Change instructions for Women: Pull up to

Fifty Ways To Annoy Osama bin Laden If You're Invited

(tip: don't try these if you're not willing to

Whether the cause is a previous night of drinking

I. Know that although the cat has the advantage

An English guy was very ill and his son went to

In this world God made Eve first and one day he

A guy was standing in front of the gorilla cage

A blonde walked into her final exam very nervous.

A drunk had been at a pub all night. At last call,

A young couple is out for a romantic Valentine's

A 13 year-old old paperboy knocks on the door of

Little Johnny was walking down the hallway at school.

While walking home from work one day, Frank saw

A man was working on a preacher's car in a garage

As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection. A thick

The preacher stood before the congregation. ''Brothers

There was a cowboy riding down a trail on his horse

A young man is wandering around the zoo looking

1) Large, loft-style apartments in New York City

Knock, knock? "Who's there?" A midget who couldn't

A young hillbilly always went out to the barn to

One day little Danny was in Sunday School, and

I'll get a world record for this. Let me reach

What do you get when you cross a rooster and a

Two old friends/enemies who love to take the piss

One day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was

A little boy came home from school one day and

One Sunday afternoon an older couple was listening

This guy lives in Westchester, NY and goes to

A teacher, a thief and a lawyer all die in the

An older single woman was shopping at the grocery

The European Union commissioners have announced

If you throw a party, the worst thing you can do

One day a preacher goes to visit an elderly lady.

Pete and Larry had not seen each other in many

A millionaire decides to throw a massive party

The preacher was very distraught after the death

A woman walks into a restaurant and sits down.

1. Throughly clean the toilet. 2. Add the required

This blonde woman went to Canada to seek her fortune

A preacher wanted to raise money for his church

Jesus and Moses went golfing. Jesus was about

Three little old ladies were sitting on a park

One day a man was stuck in bumper to bumper traffic,

Ole was on his death bed. But before he died,

A couple went to church every week, but every

(Disclaimer--Some of this stuff is illegal.) *Ask

One day three old ladies were sitting on a park

For years it has been believed that electric bulbs

Following a tragic boating accident, a husband

One day this Preacher decided that he would skip

One day, a man walks into a bar with an ostrich

A man lives in a highrise on the 15th floor. Every

The Perfect Dump -- Every once in a while, each

How many lawyers does it take to change a light

A dying man smells his favorite oatmeal raisin

Bill and Joe go into a hotel. The hotel has 100

10) When people go the speed limit in the fast

A train hits a bus load of nuns and they all perish.

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and

Once upon a time there lived a woman in Brampton

One day, there was a man sitting on a bus. Since

One day an old man and his wife were sitting in

A travelling salesman is out in the country selling

* We got off the Titanic first. * We can scare

1) You try to enter your password on the microwave.

It's wise to remember how easily e-mail can be

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my

Mr. Johnson, a businessman from Wisconsin, went

Dearest John, I went to the door today and the

In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop a beautiful

A minister wound up the services one morning by

A leprechaun and his friend walked into a bar one

Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after

A young man is at a bus stop in New York. He sees

There once was this deacon and this preacher, and

There are approximately two billion children (persons

Betty & Tim were killed in an auto accident on

"Bartender, gimme 'nother drink, says a very drunk

What do you get when you mix a rooster with a

A man claimed he could name any animal that was

A little boy was playing in his sandbox when the

One day a blonde was outside of her apartment on

One night, God spoke to a preacher to tell him

A preacher's wife was contemplating what she

A guy goes over to his friend's house and knocks

There's a guy and a lady sitting on the porch.

There were three preachers: a Catholic, a Baptist,

Three little boys were looking for a summer job.

There was a mamma mole, a papa mole, and a baby

A doctor, an engineer, a rabbi and a lawyer were

These individual quotes were reportedly taken from

One day this man says to his wife, "Lets take a

Lesson number one: A crow was sitting on a tree,

A little old lady goes into the Chase Manhattan

I'm sitting on this plane, eating my dinner, when

Two guys were hiking through the jungle when they

A man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy

A survey of top personnel executives of 100 major

    An Irishman, an Englishman and

After the church service, a little boy told the

In a trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes through

Cross my heart this happened to someone. This guy

This guy has always dreamed of owning a Harley

A policeman directing traffic at a busy city intersection

The wealthy, high-society mother of a 17-year-old

Twas the Night before Christmas, and all through

A madam opened the brothel door to see an elderly

A panda walks into a bar. He sits down, and asks

A cab driver reaches the Pearly Gates and announces

A blonde is speaking to her psychiatrist. "I'm

There were three old ladies sitting on a park bench

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to

A guy is standing at a urinal when he notices that

NAME: "Expecteria Trouserius" (Trouser Snake) LOCATION:

    What to not say to the nice

A man noticed a woman in the grocery store with

A group of third, fourth and fifth graders accompanied

BETTER HOLD ON TO THOSE PANTIES...THEY COULD COME

A guy walked into a pro-shop with a gorilla. "Is

    A guy is sitting at a bar in

    Stupid people should have to

    While inspecting their honeymoon

A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine. It

An old guy walks into a bar and asks for a bottle

A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he

Four college alumni were climbing a mountain one

Remember the book "Men are from Mars, Women are

This is a true story from the WordPerfect helpline.

An Irishman, Englishman and Scotsman go into a

Ã, Ã, Ã,  Reaching the end of a job interview,

A young female teacher was giving an assignment

Crazy Mike the Biker walks into a pharmacy and

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night.

A strong young man at a construction site was bragging that he could out do anyone in a feat of strength.

A man walks into a bar, he sees two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. He asks the barman, "Why

Next time you have a bad day at work...think of this guy: Rob is a commercial saturation diver for

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight

A guy is going on a tour of a factory that produces various latex products. At the first stop, he

A man was walking into the hospital for a routine examination the other day. Just as he reached the

A plane was taking off from Kennedy. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain

A man and a woman, who have never met before, but are both married to other people, found themselves

A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older

A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the

In the past, employees were permitted to make trips to the restroom under informal guidelines. Effective

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb

After working most of her life Grandma finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her

1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow. 2. Money will buy a fine

A Japanese company ( Toyota ) and an American company (General Motors decided to have a canoe race

An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that

TO: MR. JAMES THATCHER, BRAND MANAGER, PROCTER & GAMBLE. Dear Mr. Thatcher, I have been a loyal

There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby so he went before the congregation and asked for

Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder and made a spectacle of himself? Doctors

There was a boy standing on a corner selling fish. He was saying, "Dam fish for sale, dam fish for

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son

It's wise to remember how easily email can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences. Consider

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders.

A man once spent days looking for his new hat. Finally, he decided that he'd go to church on Sunday

welve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row,

A contestant on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" had reached the final plateau. If she answered the

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried the

There was a midget down in Texas whose testicles ached almost all the time. The midget went to

Three men die and meet Peter at the pearly gates. "In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of the University

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought

A group of Kentucky second, third, and fourth graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on

A contestant on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire" had reached the final plateau. If she answered the

You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track. Logic is a systematic method

This preacher was looking for a good used lawnmower one day. He found one at a yard sale that Little

Here's a prime example of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus" offered by an English professor

Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch

I came across this exercise suggested for seniors, to build muscle strength in the arms and shoulders.

by David Letterman 10. The cucumber has left the salad. 9. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower

I, __________________________, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely

One year at Christmas my mom went to my sister's house for the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be Able to get to the top of that tree," sighed

WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (the actual AP headline) Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego,

On a given night, 2 death row inmates are scheduled to be electrocuted on old sparky. While one execution

Here in Kentucky, you don't see too many people hang-gliding. Bubba decided to save up and get a hang-glider.

The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of

This is true !! It details what to do if an anaconda attacks you. Excerpt is from the US Government

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. "So, how is everything going?" inquired

A young doctor had moved out to a small rural community to replace the retiring country doctor. The

* Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong. * Keep skunks and bankers and

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. As he sits, the waitress comes

This happened about a month ago just outside a little town in the bayou country of Louisiana, and

One day a father of a very wealthy family took his son on a trip to the country with the firm purpose

How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?" Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day

A young man, who was also an avid golfer, found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He

A Mexican man becomes an instant millionaire after winning the lottery. With his newfound wealth,

A hillbilly went hunting one day in Oklahoma and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his

[The year would not be complete without the Darwin Awards - awarded every year to the persons who

Any woman can have the body of a 21-year-old, as long as she buys him a few drinks first. My memory's

The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as

I. There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa

Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered. Some

She married and had 11 children. Her husband died. She married again and had 7 more children. Again,

George Carlin Speaks Out... I Am Your Worst Nightmare. I am a BAD American. I am George Carlin. I

A man comes up to the cashier and she notices that his fly was open. She looks at him and says, "Your

One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river.

Some people say that I'm superficial, but that's just on the surface. On one hand, I'm indecisive;

The preacher's Sunday sermon was "Forgive Your Enemies." He asked how many of the congregation have

It was Saturday night and the preacher still hadn't been able to think of a sermon for the next morning.

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. "In honor of

There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby. The preacher went to the congregation and asked

Here's why . According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were kids in the 40's,

(This is supposedly a true story.) If you have children you will probably relate to this father.

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of

A young banker decided to get his first tailor-made suit. So he went to the finest tailor in town

On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things

There was a midget down in Texas whose testicles hurt and ached almost all the time. The midget went

Scenario: You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a

One day an Irishman, who has been stranded on a desert island for over ten long years, sees an unusual

A dedicated shop steward was at a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels.

The local vicar is having a bath, and he's a little bored, so he decides to, 'pleasure' himself. He's

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan

randpa and grandma were watching the television evangelical show and the preacher said, if the viewers

This is a compilation of actual Church Bulletins and Service bloopers... Our next song is "Angels

It's even hotter than usual in Phoenix, 116 degrees sets a new record, the Associated Press reports: About

Storming into his lawyer's office, a Texas oil magnate demanded that divorce proceedings begin at once

While waiting in line at the bank, a co-worker developed a very loud case of hiccups. By the time

Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed

A pious man who had reached the age of 105 suddenly stopped going to synagogue. Alarmed by the old

Two old pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane by going back to the place where they first

The husband didn't want to play in the "Couples Alternate Shot Tournament" at the club, but he reluctantly

Two gay gentlemen were walking through a zoo. They came across the gorillas and after a while they

A young preacher was contacted by the local funeral director to hold a grave-side committal service

A chief and an admiral were sitting in the barber shop. They were both just getting finished with

A preacher went to his church office on Monday morning and discovered a dead mule (jackass to the

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the

A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife so he went to a psychiatrist. The

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in

An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his IRS agent and his lawyer (both church members),

A man who absolutely hated his wife's cat decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm.

For a computer programming class, I sat directly across from someone, and our computers were facing

A preacher was telling his congregation that anything they could think of, old or new, was discussed

A man is waiting for wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of

A man was in a long line at the grocery store. As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten

A businessman and his secretary, overcome by passion, retire to his house for what is popularly termed

An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman are all playing golf with their wives. The Englishman's wife

Guy in a bar playing pool has a pet monkey. Monkey jumps onto the table, grabs the cue ball and stuffs

A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, "We have special requirements

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young Engineer fresh out

One day a nice young couple were on their way to the Justice of the Peace to get married. They had

A local preacher was dissatisfied with the small amount in the collection plates each Sunday. Someone

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how TRUE this is! They actually have a chili

Three men were trekking through the desert and came across a magician. The magician was standing at

One morning a local highway department crew reaches their job-site and realizes they have forgotten

"Is it proper for a man to profit from the mistakes of another?" a parishioner asked his minister. "Definitely

A man with a nagging secret couldn't keep it any longer. In the confessional he admitted that for years

A farmer purchases an old, run-down, abandoned farm with plans to turn it into a thriving enterprise.

A man traveling by plane was in urgent need of a restroom facility. But each time he tried, it was

A state trooper pulls a car over on a lonely back road and approaches the blonde lady driver. "Ma'am,

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me

Two men arrive at the Pearly Gates at about the same time, both wanting to know if they will be admitted

There was a preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance that he could get, he could be found on the

A boy takes his girlfriend back to her home after being out together, and when they reach the front

A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength.

A young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling like expensive perfume. She turns to

A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going into the clouds. As any of us would do,

A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to walk

A man with a bad stomach complaint goes to his doctor and asks him what he can do. The doctor replies

Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear. He

A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell

A woman took her dog to the vet. She said, "I think my dog is dead". The doctor laid the dog on the

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans

A blonde woman competed with a brunette woman and a redheaded woman in the Breast Stroke division of

A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her 6th grade class one day. It was a large assignment

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing.

An 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw,

A man and wife attended church one evening, and the wife decided that it was time to stop her husband

A man was walking along the beach and found a bottle. He looked around and didn't see anyone so

A doctor, and engineer, a rabbi and a lawyer were debating who was the world's first professional. The