ready

DOS Beer: Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the directions carefully

US Presidential nominee Barack Obama may have beaten Hillary Clinton but he has lost a Gmail id by his

Enough with the Poking, Lets Just Have Sex He pokes her, she pokes him, they poke each other back

A computer walks into a bar and sits down to order a drink. The bartender looks over at him and says,

This story occurred on Melbourne radio. One of the stations has a competition where they ring someone

A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away.She protested, "But we don't

A little town had a high birth rate that had attracted the attention of the sociologists at the state

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see

One day, a young cowboy and a cowgirl decided to get married. He was a man of the world and she was an

At Night. The wife had curled up ready to go to sleep, and the husband put his A typical married couple

An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While China, he is very sexually promiscuous and does not

It was the final examination for an introductory English course at the UW. Like many such freshman courses,

It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When

A man comes home from a tough day of work looking to unwind. After a relaxing dinner with his wife,

A man is having problems with his dick, which certainly had seen better times. He consults a doctor who,

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, then catch them

A few fraternity brothers needed to fill a science requirement in order to graduate, so they spent weeks

A man goes to a restaurant and orders a chicken dish. By the time the food is ready and he is about to

A husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. Their passion is heating up. Then the wife stops and

This boy has just taken his girlfriend back to her home after being out together, and when they reach

Three co-workers are bored during their lunch break, so they decide to go to the roof of their building

One sunny day in 2008, an old man approached the

Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed.

There was a man who had worked all of his life,

One morning, a man got on an elevator on the fourth

Why did the zombie baby cross the road? To wreak

A man has six children and is very proud of his

A blonde decides she wants to go ice fishing. So

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus

A guy walks into a coffee shop and sees President

Yo mama''s so fat, she dont need the Internet -

What did Ike say to Tina when she came in late

Yo mama's like a shotgun, 2 cocks and she's ready

AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows. BULLETIN:

A man hated his wife's cat and he decided to get

There was a couple who did not want their children

A truck driver had a 2 day lay-over during the

What a woman says, what she really means... I

Eddie went shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally

A husband is at home watching a football game when

A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when

I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I

Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the

A woman arrives home from work and her husband

1. My fellow Americans, I have taken much into

I think Santa Claus is a woman... I hate to be

Ever since the Bush daughters got into trouble

Thousands of people flock to the annual Burning

George W. Bush was giving a third-grader a lesson

All quotes 100% authentic, and courtesey of George

An Alabama man turned 18 and went to a local house

1. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes. 2.

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." ...George

A Japanese man was boasting about how his country

In order to assure the highest levels of quality

Don't Say This to Your New Girlfriend's Parents... 1.

A young schoolboy was having a hard time pronouncing

These are excuse notes from parents (with their

Why are women's wedding dress' colored white?

It's the spring of 1957 and Bobby, a pretty hip

It was Saturday morning and Jake, an avid hunter,

All good Southerners already know these, but in

Two aliens land their plasmic cosmo craft in Jack

Police arrested Joe Bloggs, a 27-year old white

This letter was started by a woman, like yourself,

Why is it so difficult to find men who are caring,

This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load

10. Nobody cares if you act stupid. 9. You can

One day there was a woman who was about to have

An old farmer decided it was time to get a new

There is a accordion player driving home from a

A guy had a date with this really hot blonde. He

A man was in the waiting room at the hospital,

"When you getting married to your girlfriend?" "I

There was a little boy and a little girl in a

I'm gonna tell you a joke that'll make your tits

A woman walks into a bar and orders a drink. A

There was a guy, who was the most buff guy, and

Three drifters are roaming the countryside for

The ringmaster of a traveling circus was looking

In order to assure the highest levels of quality

A man comes home from work and sits in his recliner

Her version: Oh did I mention or did I not? Well

One evening, a man was at home watching TV and

If you throw a party, the worst thing you can do

What if Data Ran Windows98? WORF: Captain, there

Billy was 14 and just started jerking off. He loved

What's the difference between Saddam Hussein and

After World War II, an American soldier was going

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus

One day two boys were walking through the woods

The preacher was very distraught after the death

Once upon a time there were two men. One of them

There was this man who had a dog. Every Sunday

Jake was watching vigilantly at his dying wife's

Three girls asked their mother if they could invite

Yo mama's like a shotgun -- one cock and she's

(which in our society means over 25) An older

The sky was dark The moon was high We were

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. Walking

Three women are about to be executed. One''s a

A man was eating in a fancy restaurant, and there

A couple was getting ready to go to a Halloween

Things a Man Would Do if He Woke up with a Vagina 10.

A man moves from Ireland to New York City, leaving

A man was out of town on business. While sitting

The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with

The Smiths had no children and decided to use a

One day in a small redneck town in the middle of

After a really good party a man walks into a bar

A young man and a young woman were soon to be married,

A woman was engaged to get married. She had never

A man and and a woman from Alabama don't want any

There was a couple who did not want their children

Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed.

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town,

On the night of the prom, a boy's girlfriend is

What's the difference between a hooker, a nymphomaniac,

A man and wife were celebrating their 50-year anniversary,

Two guys are speeding through Texas when a state

1) You try to enter your password on the microwave.

Dearest John, I went to the door today and the

This old couple is ready to go to sleep so the

Bob, a lawyer, was driving home over the Golden

There were two blondes, one was on one side of

A blonde and a guy were out on a date and they

Why did Senator Hillary Clinton decide run for

NASA decided to send a shuttle into space with

This hous wife got tired of being alone everyday

10. That shirt is very becoming on you. Then again

It's the spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick

Bloke: Would you shag me for a million pounds? Bird:

"Please remove your blouse and bra," says the doctor

I know I haven't known you for a very long time,

Hugh Hefner and Dennis Weaver were both at a party

You don't have to put cream in your coffee to

* If the enemy is in range, so are you Incoming

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves

A couple was getting ready to go out to celebrate

1) Spend all day at a fast food restaurant, seeing

A farmer had 3 beautiful daughters who were getting

Once, a long, long time ago, in a small village

There was a little boy who got up one morning and

Two elderly folks in a nursing home wanted to get

Two brothers are getting ready for school. One

Women think they already know everything, but wait...training

Two old biddies were talking about their lives

A man in a bar has a couple of beers, and the bartender

    This is an actual job application

Twas the Night before Christmas, and all through

WHAT WOMEN SAY & REALLY MEAN: CAN'T WE JUST

I called a company and asked to speak to Bob.

Intelligence Test Instructions: Write each of

Due to widespread panic about the Y2K bug, Internet

Tiger Woods     A couple were on

   As you grow older, what lost

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to

1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB -- $850/offer AMANA

"No, really, I'm OK to drive."    

"I'm going fishing." Really means... "I'm going

The following letters were taken from an actual

Are you considering having children? To determine

Three guys, a teenager, his father and his grandfather

    A fireman came from work one

But Doctor, You HAVE To! In Turkey, Mehmet Esirgen, 52,

I know I haven't known you very long and I shouldn't

    DETROIT--With third-quarter

Date     It's the Spring of 1957

    A herd of buffalo can only move

There once was a farmer who was raising 3 daughters

TO: Boss FROM: Blondie RE: Changing Calendars from

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town,

There has been a recent discovery among archives

Listen my children, and you shall hear Of

"Yes" = No "No" = Yes "Maybe"

An FM station has a competition where they ring

    The following information was

1. Wear your glasses. Make sure your partner is actually in the bed. 2. Set timer for 3 minutes,

A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack! "Help

1. Men are NOT mind readers. 2. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put

"Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit." "It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch." "He

Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, were chatting about their relationships

Police arrested Malcolm Davidson, a 27 year-old white male resident of Wilmington, NC, in a pumpkin

An infantry brigade was training in the summer heat, learning methods to counter offensive tactics.

A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant

Closer Than You Think! An unemployed man goes to apply for a job with Microsoft as a janitor. The

It was March 6, 1836. On that fateful day, Davy Crockett woke up and rose from his bunk on the main

A very traditional elderly woman was enjoying a good game of bridge with her girlfriends one evening.

"I'M GOING FISHING" Means: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream

After a day fishing on Lake Michigan, a fisherman is walking from the pier carrying two brown trout

A guy walks into a bar and sees a gorgeous woman nursing a drink. Walking up behind her he says:

Customer: Hi. How much is your paint? Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things. Customer:

A young woman was preparing for her wedding. She asked her mother to go out and buy a nice long black

This husband and wife were playing on the ninth green when she collapsed from a heart attack. "Please

A priest and a rabbi are walking down the street together, and they both want a drink, but they have

1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't. 2..

Me: Hello. AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T. Me: Is this AT&T? AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T. Me: This is

It Was Already Late Fall And The Indians On A Remote Reservation In South Dakota Asked Their New Chief

On that fateful day, Davy Crockett woke up and walked from his bunk on the floor of the Alamo up to

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting

TO: MR. JAMES THATCHER, BRAND MANAGER, PROCTER & GAMBLE. Dear Mr. Thatcher, I have been a loyal

Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged. However, while working as

There was a boy standing on a corner selling fish. He was saying, "Dam fish for sale, dam fish for

As You May Already Know, It Is A Sin For A Taliban Male To See Any Woman Other Than His Wife Naked

Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon

Some retired deputy sheriffs went to a retreat in the mountains. To save money, they decided to sleep

It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car.

Before the 2001 inauguration of George Bush, he was invited to a get-acquainted tour of the White

You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track. Logic is a systematic method

Young Chuck, moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver

This preacher was looking for a good used lawnmower one day. He found one at a yard sale that Little

here is a dangerous virus being passed electronically, orally and by hand. This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people

Having a rough day? Just in case you've had a rough day, here's a stress management technique recommended

A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job. The officer wants to ask her a few questions.... Officer:

A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends. Every day they would sit

Grandpa watched Tommy pull a worm out of the ground and told him that he would give him 10 bucks if

Bill had always been a prankster. As each of his friends were married, Bill made sure some type of

Mafia leader seeks sleazy woman who can dodge bullets, meet in rat-infested motels, and speak Russian.

Personal Ads That Were Probably NEVER Answered SWM: Roommate needed for six bedroom north side condo. $800/month

For those of you who are not "fortunate" enough to live in California, here is a copy of the California

Ole vas vorking at da fish plant up nort in Dulut vhen he accidently cut off all ten off his fingers. He

Concerned about her relationship, a woman approaches her doctor and says "Doc, I'm getting married

Save all manner of bacon grease. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let

A Texas family of football supporters head out one Saturday to the outlet mall to do their tax-free

Pedro was trying to get into the U.S.legally through Immigration. The Officer said "Pedro, you have

A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100.00. The farmer

There was a loser who couldn't get a date. He went to a bar and asked a guy how to get a date. The

Here in Kentucky, you don't see too many people hang-gliding. Bubba decided to save up and get a hang-glider.

Customer: Hi. How much is your paint? Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things. Customer:

Hillary Clinton is out jogging. she passes a young boy selling puppies. "Buy a puppy Ma'am?"

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite

Fidel dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, St. Peter tells him that he is not on the list and

Useful phrases when dealing with the general population. Try to incorporate these into your conversations

Two guys were walking in the woods one day, and they all of a sudden came across a bear. The bear noticed

This is an actual job application that a 17 year old boy submitted to McDonald's in Florida... and

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything

Bubba Joe's first military assignment was to a military induction center, and--because he was a good

John and his wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full length mirror

Written by Phil Maggitti Going to War with the Army that We Want. WASHINGTON, D.C. - President

Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip...but there were problems everywhere.

"People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on

I think Santa Claus is a woman .... I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's

George Carlin Speaks Out... I Am Your Worst Nightmare. I am a BAD American. I am George Carlin. I

A Russian and an Newfoundland wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic Gold medal. Before the

It's the spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Bobby's a pretty hip guy

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of sh*t . 2. I don't know what your

A business man got on an elevator.when he entered,there was a blonde already inside who greeted him

For those of you who are not "fortunate" enough to live in California, here is a copy of the California

A blonde was hunched over the bar, toothpick in hand, spearing futilely at the olive in her drink.

A woman had 8 children, all of them boys. So, one day a magazine sent a journalist to her house for

A married couple was watching volleyball game at a beach when the wife spotted a couple in the bleachers.

1. Put bi-focals on . double check that you're with the right partner. 2. Set alarm on your clock

Attached is some correspondence which actually occurred between a London hotel's staff and one of

Harold was an old man. He was sick and in the hospital. There was one young nurse that just drove him

CHILD : Dad, where did I come from? DAD : Okay, we had to have this conversation some day!......

Redmond, WA - Microsoft Corporation has reconfirmed its commitment to bringing the "total PC experience"

A lawyer is sitting in a bar having a drink when a beautiful women sits down next to him. The lawyer

A Canadian is drinking in a New York bar when he gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning

A Russian and an American wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic Gold Medal. Before the final

Two men are driving through Pennsylvania when they get pulled over by a State Trooper. The cop walks

"Aim towards the Enemy." - Instruction printed on U.S. Rocket Launcher "When the pin is pulled,

An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She's chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when

My wife of 14 years is convinced she has Mad Cow disease... ... After all, she had a fast food taco

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take

This is a test for men only and all "real men" will answer "C" to all of these questions. However,

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not live forever, because

1. "I can't find it." MEANS: It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I am completely clueless.

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself that he starts

ABBOT: Ultimate Super Duper Computer Store. Can I help you? COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up

Police arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22-year-old white male, resident of Dacula, GA, in a pumpkin patch

What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever. What do attorneys use for birth control? Their

This memo is to announce the development of a new software system which will be Year 2000 compliant.

A young preacher was contacted by the local funeral director to hold a grave-side committal service

The Smiths were unable to conceive children, and decided to use a surrogate father to start their

10. Golfer: Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake! Caddy: Think you can keep your head down

Jones came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have

Bob, a lawyer, was driving home over the Golden Gate Bridge after spending a great day on the ocean

This old couple is ready to go to sleep so the old man lays on the bed but the old woman lays on the

A beautiful young girl is about to undergo a minor operation. She's laid on a hospital trolley bed

After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt

A blonde was listening to Two men at a party talking about the recent space program. not wanting to

Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view. The fact that no one

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the sea, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded

A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at

Almost 150 years ago, President Lincoln found it necessary to hire a private investigator - Alan

Alaskan Birthday Party Sam has been in business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He

A blonde who's down on her luck is walking through a luxurious neighbourhood looking for odd jobs to

A man was in his yard mowing the grass when his blonde neighbor came out of the house and went straight

An 8-year-old girl asks her father, "Daddy, what is sex?" The father is somewhat surprised that she

An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While in China, he is very sexually promiscuous and

A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,HONEY, COULD YOU FIX

A gorgeous young woman gets into a taxi one day. On the way, the cabby asks her, "Hey baby, would

A lawyer, a priest, and a young boy were in a plane that was going to crash, yet they only had 2 parachutes.

Mrs. Peterson phoned the repairman because her dishwasher quit working. He couldn't accommodate her

Two guys driving through Texas get pulled over by a state trooper. The cop walks up and taps on the

One day a woman arrives home from work and her husband notices she's wearing a diamond necklace. He

The widow takes a look at her dear departed one night before the funeral and, to her horror, finds

German scientists dug 50 metres underground and discovered small pieces of copper. After studying these

By the time John pulled into the little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room

The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques

Three prospective church goers attend a meeting with the clergy of a local church and ask to become

Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!" "But

A man has a heart attack and is brought to the hospital ER. The doctor tells him that he will not live

Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price, but it's missing a

The world's first fully computerized airliner was ready for its maiden flight without pilots or crew.

Two assassins are hired to kill a dictator in South America. They follow his every move for months,

A boy takes his girlfriend back to her home after being out together, and when they reach the front

Little Johnny and his grandmother were shopping in a department store. Little Johnny wanted to go

A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to walk

It's the first of April, and Joe is out of town on business. He returns home to find out that his wife

A young lady stops by her grandmother's house on the way to a dance. She wants to introduce her boy

At a recent Sacramento PC User's Group meeting, a company was demonstrating its latest speech-recognition

Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his

TO: Boss FROM: Blondie RE: Changing Calendars from Y2K I hope that I haven't misunderstood your

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself that he starts

Three women were about to be executed. One was a brunette, one a redhead, and the other a blonde.

A dentist was getting ready to clean an elderly lady's teeth. He noticed that she was a little nervous,