really

DOS Beer: Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the directions carefully

Joan, on an airplane, strikes up a conversation with the geeky computer programmer sitting next to her. "Where

One day Bill Gates finally dies and goes to Heaven. Upon reaching the pearly white gates, he sees Saint

A father, passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything

This one is long but well worth reading!In case your frustration level rises today, this is for everyone

You may not be able to party after marriage if your wife is like this one.............:)Newlyweds This

You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as

Two Indians and a West Virginia Hillbilly were walking in the woods. All of a sudden, one of the Indians

A man and his wife were working in their garden one day and the man looks over at his wife and says:"Your

A blond man showed up at work one day with a black eye. When his co-workers saw him they asked him what

A big-rig operator stopped to pick up a female hitchhiker wearing REALLY short shorts."Say, what's your

An old man was sitting on a bench crying when a lady approached him and asked if she could help. The

A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things to be self-sufficient

Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new home. It's fun to cook for Tim. Today I made an angel

A judge was interviewing a women regarding her pending divorce and asked, "What are the grounds for your

St. Peter is leafing through the Big Book to see if the guy is worthy of entering. After several minutes,

A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion.

A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady forty miles per hour. The wife is behind the

The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his late

TO: All employeesFROM: The bossDATE: August 3, 2000RE: Foul LanguageIt has been brought to management's

A very large, old, building was being torn down in Chicago to make room for a new skyscraper. Due to

Two astronauts, a man and a women, were on a mission to go to Mars and make contact with intelligent

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, Harry,

An elderly couple were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary, so they decided to return to the little

This couple goes to an agricultural show way out in the countryside a fine Sunday afternoon, & are watching

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's.He shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter

It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When

Three men stand before St. Peter awaiting admission into Heaven. However, St. Peter has been informed

A king travels through the desert, when he suddenly discovers a man captured under a big rock, he throws

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car

1. My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom.2. GROW YOUR OWN DOPE, PLANT A MAN.3. All Men Are Animals,

In Scotland, the most important time for a young lad is when he "comes of age" and is allowed to purchase

A man goes to a restaurant and orders a chicken dish. By the time the food is ready and he is about to

This is really embarrassing for the mother, do read on.This is a Singapore story (supposedly)... Hilarious!

A husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. Their passion is heating up. Then the wife stops and

Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there, the guy

This boy has just taken his girlfriend back to her home after being out together, and when they reach

John was talking to his fiancée, Rebecca, and he said, "Be honest, now, baby. How am I as a lover?"To

Three co-workers are bored during their lunch break, so they decide to go to the roof of their building

A Brunette, a Redhead and a Blonde escape a burning building by climbing tothe roof. Firemen are on

Back in the time of the Samurai there was a powerful emperor who needed anew head Samurai so he sent

A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a bottle laying in the street. Suddenly out

A guy was seated next to a 10-year-old girl on

A little girl and her dog are walking through the

Harry, Bill and Steve are sitting at the corner

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble

One day Little Sally got her "monthly bleeding"

10. Wanna come play on my slip and slide? 9.

A gentleman on a flight to Atlanta had a serious

Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed.

Here are the top nine comments made by sports commentators

There's a teacher in a small Texas town. She asks

Secretaries Powell and Rumsfeld are sitting in

A tourist is picked up by a cabbie in New York

One morning, a man got on an elevator on the fourth

A brunette goes to the doctor and says, "Everywhere

Q: What makes five pounds of fat look really good? A:

A man walks into a bar and orders shots for the

1. Gain weight. At least 30 pounds. 2. Stop exercising.

A blonde, a red head, and a brunette were walking

Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple''s

George W. Bush was out jogging one morning when

Person 1: Did you know saddam has a bounty on his

A seismologist, a meteorologist, and a fireman

Two nuns from France were coming to New York.

Hercules, Snow White and Quasimodo were sitting

Angelina Jolie: I am so in love with my brother

* When speaking fast you can make yourself sound

The Geography of a Woman Between the ages of

A 70-year-old man went to the doctor's for a physical.

A boy walks into his parents room to find his mom

A Drunken Night A guy wakes up in a drunken stupor,

I saw an interview in which an expert on military

Saddam Hussein phoned President Bush and said,

The American Dairy Association was so successful

We have come to learn that bombing really works.

What a woman says, what she really means... I

A woman and a man got into a really bad car accident.

A young punk gets on a bus and sits down in directly

Once again the female staff will be offering courses

A gynecologist tired of his profession, and wanting

A few days before his proctological exam, a one

A man had a bad case of stuttering. He went to

One day a little boy asks his mom questions about

Why did the 3 blondes jump off the building? They

Knock, Knock Whoââ,¬â"¢s there? I know

1. ââ,¬Å"If my heart were a baked potato,

A manager at a General Store is teaching a young,

But everybody looks funny naked! You woke me

A man takes his wife to a livestock show. They

A guy was driving his truck along the interstate,

On the first day of school in Houston, a teacher

You're so fat, when you sit around the house you

"There are only two reasons to sit in the back

Two guys are drinking together, when one of them

I hate aspects of this time of year. Not for its

December 1 - Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey.

1. My fellow Americans, I have taken much into

Little Johnny walks into a pharmacy and brings

Fifty Ways To Annoy Osama bin Laden If You're Invited

If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company,

1. Blast the Phantom of the Opera at midnight and

Q. How do you annoy your girlfriend during sex? A.

A woman goes to a plastic surgeon who specializes

1. Hijack wheelchairs and speed around the hallways.

This lady is on an airplane and is seated next

A Yankees fan was enjoying himself at the game

George W. Bush told Dick Cheney, "I really hate

Did you hear what Lizzie Grubman did Friday night? Crashed

Where do the characters go when I use my backspace

Tony Blair Interviewed by Peter Jennings Peter

All quotes 100% authentic, and courtesey of George

JENNA'S PREDICAMENT Do we really wonder why Jenna

10) My fellow Americans, I have been lying to you

Whether the cause is a previous night of drinking

I. Know that although the cat has the advantage

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." ...George

There's a teacher in a small Texas town. She asks

1. Your salary is less than your tuition. 2. Your

People get really upset when you use the "F" word.

Advantages 1. It can get really weird 2. Someone

Possible Courses: ESSENTIALS OF BONG DESIGN: Discover

OBJECTIVE To disengage said bra without looking

A guy and a girl are lying in a dorm-room bed after

And the Lord spoke to Noah: ''In six months I'm

A young couple is out for a romantic Valentine's

There were these three guys at a football game

11) I'm spiking the punch at the reception. That'll

A man reluctantly attends his laywer's funeral

There once was this guy who was going on a date

Taoism: Shit happens. Buddhism: If shit happens,

A gynecologist was getting sick of his job and

Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a

Two friends, named Harry and George, go on a trip

Jack and Betty are celebrating their 50th wedding

Once upon a workday dreary, my stomach grumbled

Before you leave your house... 1. Put on a little

It's the spring of 1957 and Bobby, a pretty hip

What's the difference between prayer in church

A man walks into a bar and orders a double, obviously

1) Stand on top of the high board and say you won't

There were these two fleas in a bar. The first

"My uncle ran for Senate last year." "Really?

A man is sitting at a bar one night, wearing a

Two aliens land their plasmic cosmo craft in Jack

A ventriloquist is sitting onstage at a comedy

Police arrested Joe Bloggs, a 27-year old white

One morning, seventy-five year old Marvin is

Son: Dad, I have to do a special report for school.

This couple have just met in a bar, really hit

Two football players, Bubba and Tiny, were taking

The Pope walked into a car dealership one day to

A man hails a taxi, and gets inside. "5th and

An elderly couple are watching the 700 Club. The

One Sunday morning, a priest wakes up and decides

A guy walks into a bar, sits down and says to the

A guy ordered a pizza, and Luigi behind the counter

Bob was joining the army and they were handing

Insider's Guide to the Male Vocabulary ''Haven't

Q: My fiancee still has feelings for his old girlfriends.

There was blonde who wanted to go on a diet. She

Sandra and her husband Jim are expecting a baby

Albert Einstein used to go to dinners where he

There was a woman who wanted to repaint her house,

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a

"I met my wife at a singles' bar." "Really?" "I

10. Nobody cares if you act stupid. 9. You can

Why are lawyers buried 10 feet underground?

1. People who point at their wrist while asking

John, who was in financial difficulty, walked into

A blonde decides to show her husband that despite

Johnny was playing outside when he really had to

This guy was really sleepy and needed a place to

A guy just died and he's at the pearly gates,

An old farmer decided it was time to get a new

A market researcher called at a house and his knock

One night, a father passed by his son's room and

This really fat guy wanted to lose weight. He tried

A guy had a date with this really hot blonde. He

A man was in the waiting room at the hospital,

This guy dies and goes to heaven. When he gets

Once there was a blonde who really needed some

A married couple was on holiday in Pakistan. They

A blonde has just gotten a new sports car. She

A guy went to a whore house and asked the lady

Once there was a blonde driving home from work

"You remind me of a famous movie star." "Really?

One day, the Pope is visiting America and driving

The Pope goes to New York. He is picked up at

There was a guy that was stranded on an island.

A young man wished to purchase a present for his

One day a man was pissing in a public bathroom

Bill Gates is hanging out with the chairman of

This lady walks into her boss's office one day

1: You tell them that you went to the museum, saw

A father, mother, and son were going to Europe

There were three dogs at a vet's office. The

A man loses his hat, so he goes to church to steal

A fat woman and a skinny woman were sitting together

Two guys are drinking in a bar. Soon, a gorgeous

President Clinton and the Pope died on the same

In the realm of the Mighty King Gates who has pulled

At school one day, the teacher was trying to approach

Two blondes suddenly got into bird hunting and

An old man and a young man work together in an

A month before Prom night the daughter goes to

Three guys walk into a motel and find out there

Two brothers, Bob and Tom, both work for a lumberyard.

The world is going to end in three days, so God

A woman went to the doctor's and complained of

A real tough guy dies and goes to hell, well he

A blonde told her doctor that she was really worried

A woman walks into a tattoo parlor. She gets into

This Story is true!!! For all of you who occasionally

A nun wanted to enter a racehorse into a race.

This blonde woman went to Canada to seek her fortune

A city girl was driving back to town after attending

Three guys were in a bar and they heard a woman

A man died and went to straight down to hell. The

A reverend was walking in a big city park, when

Jake was watching vigilantly at his dying wife's

A man goes to see the doctor and tells the doc

1. Look at the size of his putter. 2. Oh,

These two Scottish characters are chatting. One

Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study

Dave's friends came up to him after work one day

One day Bill complained to his friend that his

Due to a mixup on Grammy night, Madonna, Britney

A little boy went to the bathroom at school, but

A man walks into a whorehouse looking for a little

One day a man was stuck in bumper to bumper traffic,

A man is driving with wife, when he is pulled over

A guy sees a classified ad that says "Will give

A newlywed couple arrives in their sumptuous honeymoon

One day a man goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot.

A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday.

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.

This guy with a really small head walks into a

Once upon a time, there was a river. The Nile River,

A very thirsty guy realizes that he's just walked

There was a man who just got out of the army.

Horace was born with only one arm but he managed

A boy was meeting his girlfriend's parents for

There was a lady at a bar. Every time she wanted

A reporter heard that a farmer had animals that

The young playboy took a blind date to an amusement

1. Ride mechanical horses with coins fished out

Three dicks are talking about what their owners

One day, a man walks into a bar with an ostrich

There's this Amish girl and she tells her mom that

After working out in the gym, Bill, a gay man was

A blonde got a dent in her car and took it in to

A man was out of town on business. While sitting

Two men were out fishing, when they found a lamp

There once was a woman who had a boyfriend that

There was a man who would come home blind drunk

The Smiths had no children and decided to use a

The Perfect Dump -- Every once in a while, each

One day, Mrs. James was taking a shower, when suddenly

Once there was a group of vampire bats that lived

A frog goes into a bank, and hops up on the desk

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced

A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking

After a really good party a man walks into a bar

Two old men in a retirement village were sitting

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot

A young man and a young woman were soon to be married,

*Stand on top of the high board and say you won't

Taoism: Shit happens. Confucianism: Confucious

A group of guys are on their way to a party, but

But everybody looks funny naked! You woke me

A woman was engaged to get married. She had never

So this guy walks into a whorehouse and asks the

A man goes to a doctor for his annual prostate

There was this man who really had to go to the

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison.

The three remaining members of Pink Floyd get in

A woman walks in to a tattoo parlor and tells the

1. Get Your Biscuits In The Oven and Your Buns

On the night of the prom, a boy's girlfriend is

There's a bunch of doctors gathered together at

1. You never run out of wheat 2. Those cool Saskatchewan

Q: What does a blonde do when it gets cold?

* We got off the Titanic first. * We can scare

A woman walks into a gynecologist's office for

There was a blonde who was tired of all the blonde

1) You try to enter your password on the microwave.

There was a man who was drivivng down the road

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my

Dearest John, I went to the door today and the

10) Are poisonous snakes really venomous? 9) Is

A brunette, a redhead and a blonde went to an ice

This blonde gets pulled over by a cop, who walks

Zeus and Thor are up on Mt. Olympus and Thor is

Fred, Bob, and Mike were driving down the street

Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital

According to the latest issue of Nature Biotechnology,

Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after

A father asked his son, Little Johnny, if he knew

A woman gives birth to a baby and afterward the

Last 10 Things a Man Would Say: 10. I think Barry

A Mismatched Pair of Gloves A young man wished

It's a beautiful day and love is in the air. Marie

Two guys are in mental instituition. One guy

How Bill and Hillary really met: They both dated

A woman who was rather old-fashioned, delicate,

These three guys are out having a relaxing day

The FDA is considering additional warnings on beer

A guy who has a stuttering problem says to his

There was a dentist, an electrician, a salesperson,

These two boys were talking about their sex lives

A guy was walking down the road, to a city about

A little girl came home from school and told her

A blonde was standing outside a fast food store,

It's the spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick

A grandpa walks into a grandson's apartment and

One day, three flies were sitting in a garbage

There were three men standing at the Pearly Gates

Titles Considered for Monica's Autobiography 1.

Dan wakes up on Monday morning, staggers into the

One day, there was a cowboy riding a horse in the

A man comes home to his wife, and he is chuckling.

The young fellow was about to be married and was

Did you get any under the tree? I think your

One day, a blonde named Sally was putting together

1. Your Jedi robe is a camouflage color. 2.

A man and his wife are stranded on a desert island.

There's this fellow with a parrot. And the parrot

Belts. Women use belts an an accessory, guys use

A girl wants to borrow the car from her dad, so

A couple was getting ready to go out to celebrate

1. Your reason for not staying in touch with family

These individual quotes were reportedly taken from

An elderly husband and wife noticed that they were

One day this man says to his wife, "Lets take a

A Rolls Royce pulls up in front of a really expensive

The boss is finally old enough to retire from the

Q: Why was the Egyptian boy confused? A: His

It's a really hot day and this penguin is having

Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful

The seven dwarves are in Rome and they go on a

Q: Why can't blondes parallel park? A: Because

Five men and one woman wash up on a desert island

1) So your daughter's a hooker,and it spoiled your

A man walks into a bar and sees a man sitting beside

It was a really hot day and this blonde decided

Chelsea had the most exciting news. She burst

When an attractive young girl returned from her

Are you really that bald or is your neck just blowing

Q: What did one lesbian frog say to the other?

How can you tell if your girlfriend really likes

Two guys were hiking through the jungle when they

An old lady sits on her front porch, rocking away

Yo' mama so fat, that when she sits around the

There was a hooker who lived in a condo on Lake

A survey of top personnel executives of 100 major

Why is a laundromat a really bad place to pick

In a trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes through

An escaped convict broke into a house and tied

Joe took his blind date to the carnival. "What

Sue and Sally meet at their 30th class reunion,

1. The mouse is referred to as a "critter."

Two old biddies were talking about their lives

Make love, not war. Hell, do both: get married! *

Shit is a powerful word. Just think of all the

A madam opened the brothel door to see an elderly

A visiting professor at the University of Montana

A couple comes up to a wishing well. The guy leans

Male Seminarsby Females 1.  Combatting 

Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting

WHAT WOMEN SAY & REALLY MEAN: CAN'T WE JUST

If the government is going to put health warning

A WOMAN'S GUIDE WHAT A MAN IS REALLY SAYING WHILE

Some pretty 'useful' phrases you, too, can use

"You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women,

Members of Congress...people of America....I banged

Due to widespread panic about the Y2K bug, Internet

Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically

   As you grow older, what lost

    For the first time in many years,

"No, really, I'm OK to drive."    

A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest

"I'm going fishing." Really means... "I'm going

A young blonde stock broker was bored with her

A women desperately looking for work goes into

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to

First and foremost, we are not obligated to do

Two cowboys are leanin' up against the rail at

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says,

A woman is in bed with her lover, who also happens

There was a great loss today in the entertainment

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny

This guy is not getting along so well with his

Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher

A woman went to the mall to buy Valentine's Day

In Scotland, the most important time for a young

    William and Mildred were married

Consumption of alcohol may make you think you

I did not do it in a car I did not do it

About ten recruits are making their first parachute

Once upon a time, there was a little old man who

I know I haven't known you very long and I shouldn't

    Yes, it's hard to believe, but

    DETROIT--With third-quarter

    A guy is sitting at a bar in

A lady was walking past a pet store when a parrot

    One day, a mechanic was working

Ru Paul, Bill Gates, and Roger Ebert are all struck

An executive was in a bind. He had to get rid

Date     It's the Spring of 1957

Two priests were going to Hawaii on vacation and

One night, the Potato family sat down to dinner.

A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine. It

Two church members were going door to door, and

Monica Lewinsky virus: Sucks all the memory

It is near the end of the school year.  The

A man goes to the doctor with a long history of

This is a true story from the WordPerfect helpline.

"Yes" = No "No" = Yes "Maybe"

Run one lap around the office at top speed

Jack tells his doctor how he can no longer sustain

ASTROLOGY: tells us about you and your future

Introductory Chemistry at Duke has been taught

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's,

1. Cover your stump before you hump. 2. Before

A young punk gets on the cross-town bus. He's got

Dear __________________________,    

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend,

December 14, 1972 My dearest darling John:

A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job

Monica's Diary Entry 1 Dear Diary, I'm so excited!

One day, Jeffrey complained to his friend, "My

Bubbles and Barbie, two blonde sisters had promised their Uncle, who had been a seafaring gentleman

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail and tripped over a large snake and fell,

A young Chinese couple get married. She's a virgin, and truth be told he's a virgin too, but she

Find out what those dating terms really mean ATTRACTION..... the act of associating horniness with

So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day... Look at the bright side, she's a really

1. Men are NOT mind readers. 2. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put

BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a CHANGE! The chicken

Irish greyhound racing authorities have banned trainers from giving dogs the anti-impotence drug Viagra

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said,

Police arrested Malcolm Davidson, a 27 year-old white male resident of Wilmington, NC, in a pumpkin

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating,the wives left the table

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul

Two bees met in a field. One said to the other, "How are things going?" "Really bad," said the second

A group of guys and one girl are sitting together at a ball game. During the game the guys notice

Do you know someone like this? A guy walks into the local welfare office for his monthly check.

Never buy a 'new' brand of beer because 'it was on sale.' If we're in the backyard and the TV in

That's a bit expensive just for a dare isn't it? I saw a dress just like that one in Woolworths

Tom did like he always does, kissing his wife, crawling into bed and falling to sleep. All of a sudden,

A very traditional elderly woman was enjoying a good game of bridge with her girlfriends one evening.

A minister concluded that his church was getting into serious financial troubles. Coincidentally,

George Bush meets with the Queen of England. He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient

At a recent convention of biological scientists, one researcher remarked to another, "Did you know

A builder and a priest are out for a game of golf one afternoon. Unfortunately the builder wasn't

A young woman was having a physical examination and was embarrassed because of a weight problem. As

INFORMATION YOU NEED TO HELP YOU CHOOSE YOUR NEXT HEALTH PLAN .. Q. What does HMO stand for? A.

A World War II pilot is reminiscing before school children about his flying days during the war.

One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates,

A blonde is roller-skating down the board-walk one day. She's just skating along in her lycra pants,

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new

A retired corporate executive, now a widower, decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean

A man and his wife were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, agreed

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns

A very large, old, building was being torn down in Chicago to make room for a new skyscraper. Due

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." Winston Churchill "A modest

A priest and a rabbi are walking down the street together, and they both want a drink, but they have

The Best and Worst Comments Received: "Text is useless. I use it to kill roaches in my room."

Me: Hello. AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T. Me: Is this AT&T? AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T. Me: This is

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender can't help but stare at the

other day my neighbour, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway just jumping for joy!

A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls. They

A man and his wife were working in their garden 1 day and the man looks over at his wife and says

King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them?

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with

Sue and Sally meet at their 30th class reunion, and they haven't seen each other since graduation.

TWO DUCK HUNTERS FROM WISCONSIN: ABSOLUTELY A TRUE STORY HEARD ON A WISCONSIN RADIO STATION REPORTING

Back a few years ago, I went over to my neighbors house.(She was a blonde), and for some reason she

A cowboy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar. But decides, what the heck,"

I had checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely so I thought I'd get me one of those

TO: MR. JAMES THATCHER, BRAND MANAGER, PROCTER & GAMBLE. Dear Mr. Thatcher, I have been a loyal

Eddie was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed. She told him "Tomorrow

A fifteen year-old boy came home with a new Chevrolet Avalanche and his parents began to yell and scream,

The old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years he had faithfully served the people of the nation's

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants. Marriage changes

Joe passed away. His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last guests departed

A couple had only been married for two weeks and the husband, although very much in love, couldn't

The subway car was packed. It was rush hour, and many people were forced to stand. One particularly

As You Slide Down the Banister of Life, Remember: 1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an

One day god is in a really good mood and looks down from the heavens and sees a statue of a man and

An Italian, an Irishman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a Sydney construction site. The foreman

your breasts must think i'm good lookin cause they keep lookin at me. Hey baby, you keep running

A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the

To all Employees: It has been brought to Management's attention that some individuals throughout

1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen. 2. When you get to

Joe grew up in Jamaica, then moved away to attend college and law school. He decided to come back

Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss, But I only slept with you, because I was pissed. I

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by kids) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff.

The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his late

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their

After getting all of The Pope's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver

# 10 Life is sexually transmitted. # 9 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which

Jack had a blind date with Jill for the prom and, as the evening progressed, he found himself attracted

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of the University

It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car.

A very disheveled, unattractive, profoundly obese, smelly, mean acting, nasty in EVERY sense of the

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought

You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track. Logic is a systematic method

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.On their wedding night, she told

The Washington Post asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting,

One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on an exotic parrot. He really wanted this

There were three little boys visiting their grandparents. The oldest came out and asked his grandpa,

A German tourist walks into a McDonald's in New York City and orders a beer. (In Germany and many

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Take Care of the Big Rocks First A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in

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A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. He played with his toys in her bedroom while

Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring another bull onto the ranch,

I really wanted to send out some sort of holiday greeting but it is so difficult in today's world to

A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event, hosted by a local liberal arts college.

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he called his grandson to his bed. "Grandson I wanna you lisin

A young fellow at the state fair stood watching an old Indian. Above the old Indian was a sign that

A father asked his 10 year-old son if he knew about the birds and the bees. "I don't want to know!"

During class, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asks the students: "Students, If you were on

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A gas station in Mississippi was trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a sign saying, "Free

Two Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods. All of a sudden one of the Indians ran

I checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely so I thought I'd get me one of those

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God... "Lord, I have a problem!" "What's the

A man standing in line at a check out counter of a grocery store was very surprised when a very

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A man walked into the women's department of Macy's in New York City.He found a saleslady, and told

This happened about a month ago just outside a little town in the bayou country of Louisiana, and

Bill and Hillary are at the Yankee's World Series Game 6; sitting in the first row, with the Secret

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat

A man in the Florida supermarket tries to buy half a head of lettuce. The very young produce assistant

THE WIT AND THE WISDOM OF HOMER J.SIMPSON "Now son, you don't want to drink beer. That''s for Daddys,

Useful phrases when dealing with the general population. Try to incorporate these into your conversations

Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle.

Bush and Powell were sitting in a bar. A guy walked in and asked the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Powell?" The

A minister concluded that his church was getting into serious financial troubles. While checking the

Two guys were walking in the woods one day, and they all of a sudden came across a bear. The bear noticed

One night, a little blind boy's mother said to him, "Anthony, if you pray really, REALLY hard tonight,

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and

A day before his 15th birthday, the son of a wealthy family was asked by his father, `Well my son,

A woman was chatting with her next-door neighbor. "I feel really good today. I started out this morning

It was spring in the old west. The cowboys rode the still snow choked trails looking for cattle

Leah phones her husband at work, "Izzy, do you have time for a chat?" "Sorry, darling, this is not

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A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded,

Hillary Clinton gets elected President and is spending her first night in the White House. She has

Alabama: Yes, We Have Electricity Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong! Arizona: But It's A

At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady truck up a conversation and

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything

To the citizens of the United States of America: In the light of your failure to elect a competent

A new business was opening and one of the owners friends sent flowers for the occasion. but when

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for

"People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on

George W. Bush and his veep running mate, Dick Cheney were talking, when George W. said, "I hate all

A guy took his blonde girl friend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their

Some of us Southerners are pretty skeptical of horoscopes and the people that read them. If we are

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured

Back in the time of the Samurai there was a powerful emperor who needed a new head Samurai so he sent

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet

Always wear brown shoes when Congress is in session. If the First Daughters are wearing short skirts,

A Russian and an Newfoundland wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic Gold medal. Before the

It's the spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Bobby's a pretty hip guy

One night a blonde nun was praying in her room when God appeared before her. "My daughter, you have

Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, boss I no come work today, I really sick. I got headache,

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of sh*t . 2. I don't know what your

WASHINGTON, DC (AP) - Congress approved sweeping legislation, which provides new benefits for many

Two guys are walking through the woods and come across this big deep hole. "Wow...that looks deep."

1. Jesse Jackson, Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called "Ministers

You live in Arizona when.. 1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade. 2. You

One day, a shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same

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You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the finance committee refuses to provide funds for the

Little Johnny 's next door neighbors had a baby. Unfortunately, the little baby was born with no ears. When

They wanted to allow divorced women to compete in the Miss America pageant. Was that a good idea? Do

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A farmer has three sons. One day, his oldest boy comes to him and pleads with him that he is graduating

There were two lovers, who were really into spiritualism and reincarnation. They vowed that if either

Seems God was just about done with creating the universe but he had two extra things left over in

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A man decides to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the

Thor, the Viking God of Thunder, and his pal Odin were up in Valhalla, when suddenly Thor said to Odin,

The story behind the letter below is that there is this nutball in Newport, Rhode Island named Scott

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Here's why . According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were kids in the 40's,

This year, I resolve to ... 1. Gain weight. At least 30 pounds. 2. Stop exercising. Waste of time. 3.

I phoned up a really gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day. We lost track of time, chatting

Male Seminars by Females 1. Combatting Stupidity 2. You, Too, Can Do Housework 3. PMS: Learn

On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender hands him the beer and says,

A woman has had serious headaches for several years and has tried everything; been to several doctors

1 . Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants. 2. Marriage changes

A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 years old and

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The

A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life?" A little girl in the back row raised

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. Gardening

Two robins were sitting in a tree. "I'm really hungry," said the first one. "Let's fly down and

Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant. "Sid," asked Al, "Are there any Jews in China?"

A nun, really needing to go to the bathroom, walked into a neighborhood pub. The place was hopping

A week after their marriage, the Redneck newlyweds paid a visit to their doctor... "I can't figure

A Russian and an American wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic Gold Medal. Before the final

FINE This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to

Some of us Southerners are pretty skeptical of horoscopes and the people that read them. If we are

man died and went to The Judgment. St. Peter met him at the Gates of Heaven and said, "Before you

A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital. Just before he was

A guy walks into a bar ... once inside, he realizes it's a gay bar, but he decides, "What the heck,

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes

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A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan

12. Specifications are for the weak and timid! 11. This machine is a piece of GAGH! I need dual

Two cars were waiting at a stoplight. The light turned green, but the man didn't notice it. A woman

A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party. He doesn't know what costume to wear

Sherry lost her husband almost four years ago and still hasn't gotten out of her mourning stage. Her

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take

This is a test for men only and all "real men" will answer "C" to all of these questions. However,

Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an

1. "I can't find it." MEANS: It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I am completely clueless.

A guy went to a psychiatrist because he was having severe problems with his sex life. The psychiatrist

A southern farmer got in his pickup and drove several miles to a neighboring farm and knocked on the

Two 90-year-olds had been dating for some time, when the man told the woman, "I think it's time we

A Policeman was drilling 3 blondes, who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in

The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his

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An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table

Police arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22-year-old white male, resident of Dacula, GA, in a pumpkin patch

A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed,

The Washington Post's Style Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary,

A woman desperately looking for work went into a factory. The personnel manager looked over her resume

A lawyer died and arrived at the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter asked him, "What have you done to merit

By Scott Roeben was a very wise man. But you'd never know it because he used such fancy-schmancy

Your coworker has 8 body piercing and none are visible. You make over $300,000 and still can't

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An American tourist in London found himself needing to go to the bathroom something terrible. After

A New Hampshireman stops by a cafe for breakfast. After paying the tab, he checks his pockets and

Little Jenny walked into the kitchen one day and looked up at her mother, who was busy cooking dinner.

A man and his wife were driving through country on his way from New York to California. Looking

A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse. The horse's trainer meets him

Before Linda became engaged, she was quite the beauty, and didn't mind letting her boyfriend know

A blonde named Mary decides to do something really wild. Something she hasn't done before, so she

At a convention of biological scientists, one researcher remarks to another, "Did you know that in

The following story was written by Andrew Marlatt. It first appeared on SatireWire on Feb. 1, 2002

The Smiths were unable to conceive children, and decided to use a surrogate father to start their

Hung Chow calls in to work and says, "Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache,

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on. The first surgeon says,

This little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with passing gas, but

OK, I'm the only female in a house full of guys. 4 sons and a hubby. Toilet seat is never down...etc. SOOOOoooooooooo

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's, and walked up to the woman behind the counter

A man was out, driving happily along in his car late one Saturday night. Before too long, a cop pulled

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed

A group of guys and one girl are sitting together at a ball game. During the game the guys notice

A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a department store and asks, "W-w-w-where's

A young couple had been married for a couple of months, but the man was always after his wife to quit

A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona and sees that the car's oil-pressure light is on.

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm.

A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things to be self-sufficient

For a computer programming class, I sat directly across from someone, and our computers were facing

"You're in remarkable shape for a man your age," said the doctor to the ninety-year old man after

A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone (a male

MARKETING: You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in

A lady is golfing with some friends. After sinking her first putt, she's on her way down the path

A young fellow at the state fair stood watching an old Indian. Above the old Indian was a sign that

Lil' Johnny's mother took her 5 year old son with her to the bank on a busy Friday. They were in

When the surgeon came to see his blonde patient on the day after her operation, she asked him somewhat

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to

This guy sees a sign in front of a house "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells

An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the

DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You

A man takes his wife to the cattle show. They start heading down the alley that houses all the bulls.

Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view. The fact that no one

1.) "If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. 2. Learn to work the toilet seat; if

Alaskan Birthday Party Sam has been in business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He

A man and his wife were working in their garden one day and the man looks over at his wife and says:

A blonde who's down on her luck is walking through a luxurious neighbourhood looking for odd jobs to

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day,

One day a nice young couple were on their way to the Justice of the Peace to get married. They had

In a small cathedral a janitor was cleaning the pews between services when he was approached by the

The passenger tapped the cab driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed, lost

A Boston fan, a Yankees fan, and Pamela Anderson are sitting together in a train. The train enters

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how TRUE this is! They actually have a chili

A Bible study group was discussing the unforeseen possibility of sudden death. "We will all die

A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at

A philosopher went into a closet for ten years to contemplate the question, What is life? When he came

One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying: "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and

A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills

One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on a parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he

A very good looking man walks into a singles bar, gets a drink and has a seat. During the course of

At Cambridge University during an examination one day a bright young student popped up and asked the

Dave was the vice-president of ACME inc. One day the president,Mr. Smith called him into his office.He

A young punk gets on the cross town bus and sits down in the only vacant seat, directly across from

This young fellow was about to be married and was asking his grandfather about sex. He asked how

A man traveling by plane was in urgent need of a restroom facility. But each time he tried, it was

Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat. They

By the time John pulled into the little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room

An old sailor was out walking on the dock one day when he met a former ship mate of his. They had not

One night a man walks into a bar with a pig. The bartender says to the man, "That's a great looking

A young lady whom thought she was overweight went to see a dietician. She walked into his office and

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me

A computer programmer happens across a frog in the road. The frog pipes up, "I'm really a beautiful

There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. The brunette looked

One day the Pope is coming to America in his Limo and he said to the driver, "Why don't you let me

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day,

"Daddy, where did I come from?" the seven-year-old asked. It was a moment for which her parents

A young man was delighted to finally be asked home to meet the parents. He was quite nervous about

A crusty old marine corps colonel found himself at a gala event downtown, hosted by a local liberal

An elderly couple, still very loving after all these years, is shocked when the woman's doctor says

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The

Five doctors went duck hunting one day. Included in the group were a GP, a pediatrician, a psychiatrist,

A man is in a bar and he gets really drunk and he goes home. He comes back the next day to get his

A man came into his wife's room one day. "If I were, say, disfigured, would you still love me?" he

A man decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at

A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she cut off a truck driver.

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail, and he tripped over a large snake and fell,

After driving for about six hours, a trucker decides to pull over and sleep for a little while. As

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans

Back in the old Wild West, there were two blond cowpokes, Jeff and Dave. One day, the two were enjoying

A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $ 5,000 and feels really good about the

A priest was asked to dinner by one of his parishioners who he knew being an unkempt housekeeper.

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, and as they had not been dating

It was a warm, sunny Sunday, so a man and his wife decided to take in the zoo. They spent the day,

A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the

A guy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what guys and girls do

A cute little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it

A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he wants to buy a pet that can do everything. The

David received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse

Three guys died and when St. Peter met them at the pearly gates, he said, "I know that you guys are

One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for

Costello: Hey, Abbott! Abbot: Yes, Lou? Costello: I just got my first computer. Abbot:

A guy was seated next to a 10-year-old girl on an airplane. Being bored, he turned to the girl and