remember

When you are counting objects, you go "0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D...". When asked about a bus schedule,

Original List aged 20: 1. Handsome 2. Charming 3. Financially successful 4. A caring listener 5.

This one is long but well worth reading!In case your frustration level rises today, this is for everyone

An old man was sitting on a bench crying when a lady approached him and asked if she could help. The

Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went to breakfast

How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.The most effective

An elderly couple were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary, so they decided to return to the little

The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? Well, I hope you remember my story when they

Harry, Bill and Steve are sitting at the corner

Mark your calendar with the multitude of holidays

A gentleman on a flight to Atlanta had a serious

Here's a dilemma for you... With all your honor

A guy goes to his doctor because heââ,¬â"¢s

RANDOM AND CHEAP MARTHA STEWART JOKES What is

The British speech: "If you are ferocious in battle,

One day in the middle of the desert a man's car

My First Time The sky was dark, The moon was high, All

Why are blonde jokes so short? So that brunettes

There was an old couple sitting at a table. The

10. When he enters a room there is a burst of purple

A secretary for a foreign embassy was entertaining

A Drunken Night A guy wakes up in a drunken stupor,

Eddie went shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally

1. Your dog rides in your truck more than your

Dear Tech Support: Last year I upgraded from

A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when

Dear Mr. Blix, Welcome to Iraq! It is so good

There was this woman see, and she takes a lover

But everybody looks funny naked! You woke me

Oil Change instructions for Women: Pull up to

I hate aspects of this time of year. Not for its

A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with

NASA sends a space shuttle up with two pigs and

Whether the cause is a previous night of drinking

I. Know that although the cat has the advantage

An English guy was very ill and his son went to

Original List (age 22): 1. Handsome 2. Charming 3.

1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless

Juan Valdez names his mule after you. You chew

Advantages 1. It can get really weird 2. Someone

A man walks into a bar and orders three beers.

On a beautiful deserted island in the middle of

Jack and Betty are celebrating their 50th wedding

Two weeks ago was my forty-fifth birthday, and

A young man is wandering around the zoo looking

Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked

Q: Do you remember blowing Mr.Bubbles when you

In class one day, Mr. Johnson pulled Johnny over

A wealthy business man and his wife are looking

A blonde's redhead decides to show her a neat way

This guy hears that there's good bear hunting up

Three girls named Samantha, Janet and Rebecca were

Two football players, Bubba and Tiny, were taking

This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load

* Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell

As usual, things were not going well at the United

Some time ago President Clinton was hosting a state

There is a accordion player driving home from a

There was a long line of souls before the gate

A couple has been married for 50 years. One day

The dean of a women's college, addressing her charges,

10) Who the hell Begets anymore? 9) Memo to Adam:

A man loses his hat, so he goes to church to steal

A real tough guy dies and goes to hell, well he

Three guys go to a hotel. They tell the man behind

This Story is true!!! For all of you who occasionally

A city girl was driving back to town after attending

Q: What is your date of birth? A: July fifteenth.

Four guys are flying to Japan in their own jet.

10) Collect potatoes. Paint faces on them and

Two very elderly ladies were enjoying the sunshine

A newlywed couple arrives in their sumptuous honeymoon

There was a guy in the middle of the desert and

A pretty blonde woman is driving down a country

For years it has been believed that electric bulbs

An American businessman is on a business trip

Three guys were captured in Iraq as American spies

One time in heaven Saint Peter said to Jesus,

A woman woke up in the middle of the night and

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot

One day Bob and Bubba went fishing. They were catching

A group of guys are on their way to a party, but

But everybody looks funny naked! You woke me

* The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, ''What's

What will Bill Clinton always be remembered for

It's wise to remember how easily e-mail can be

A blonde got lost in her car in a snowstorm. She

A woman who was rather old-fashioned, delicate,

The FDA is considering additional warnings on beer

Mr. Maxwell, the Founder/President of Maxwell House

One evening a mom and dad and two sons are watching

A man claimed he could name any animal that was

Once there was man named Jim, who let his dog out

On the day of her wedding to Prince Edward, Sophie

Q: Why are dumb blonde jokes so short? A:

An elderly husband and wife noticed that they were

All men are idiots, and I married their King.

The following are a sampling of REAL answers

The boss is finally old enough to retire from the

Jon and Dan were in a mental institution. This

There was once a man who had problems satisfying

1) So your daughter's a hooker,and it spoiled your

Two brothers are getting ready for school. One

Q: What will history remember Bill Clinton as? A:

A man in a bar has a couple of beers, and the bartender

Shit is a powerful word. Just think of all the

Every day I give thanks to the Goddess: I have

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock

Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting

If the government is going to put health warning

A woman going through the change of life went to

All-Purpose Excuse Form, designed to get you out

Due to widespread panic about the Y2K bug, Internet

1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB -- $850/offer AMANA

"I'm going fishing." Really means... "I'm going

Breakfast: 1/2 grapefruit 1 slice whole wheat

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed

Consumption of alcohol may make you think you

I did not do it in a car I did not do it

A secretary for a foreign embassy was entertaining

You learned to swim about the same time Jaws

This should be sung to the tune "A Few of

NICKNAMES If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose

    A herd of buffalo can only move

Remember the book "Men are from Mars, Women are

There has been a recent discovery among archives

On the day of the Royal Wedding, Sofia was getting

    The following information was

A woman came up behind her husband while he was

1. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A

Monica's Diary Entry 1 Dear Diary, I'm so excited!

1. Wear your glasses. Make sure your partner is actually in the bed. 2. Set timer for 3 minutes,

So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day... Look at the bright side, she's a really

The George W Bush Presidential Lie-berry is now in the planning stages. You'll want to be the first

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's

Morty and Saul, are out one afternoon on a lake when their boat starts sinking. Saul the banker

Two old guys were sitting in the park, talking, when the subject turned to getting older. The first

When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol.

A new manager spends a week at his new office with the manager he is replacing. On the last day

"I'M GOING FISHING" Means: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream

A World War II pilot is reminiscing before school children about his flying days during the war.

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new

A young boy goes to the zoo with his father. As they are passing the elephant exhibit the youngster

Way down in Louisiana, Boudreaux's old lady had been pregnant for some time and now the time had come.

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the

Have You Ever Been Guilty Of Looking At Others Your Own Age And Thinking, "surely I Can't Look

1. If you are choking on an ice cube simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! 2.

When you are counting objects, you go "0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D...". When asked about a bus schedule,

TWO DUCK HUNTERS FROM WISCONSIN: ABSOLUTELY A TRUE STORY HEARD ON A WISCONSIN RADIO STATION REPORTING

An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that

---My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be. ---

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.'

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting

Some time ago Mr. Clinton was hosting a state dinner when at the last minute his regular cook took

I've sure gotten old. I've had 2 By-pass surgeries. A hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate

What, you ask, is "Butt dust?" Read on and you'll discover the joy in it! These have to be original

As You Slide Down the Banister of Life, Remember: 1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an

Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary. Suddenly,

Golf balls are like eggs. They're white, they're sold by the dozen, and every week you have to buy more. A

A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the

It's wise to remember how easily email can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences. Consider

A pretty blonde woman is driving down a country road in her new sports car when something goes wrong

This coming week is National Mental Health Care week. You can do your part by remembering to contact

A man once spent days looking for his new hat. Finally, he decided that he'd go to church on Sunday

The AMA and NZMA has declared that the long term implications of drugs or medical procedures must

In a small town in alabama, joe bob decides it's time for his cousin, 19 year-old Billy Bob, to learn

REVISED HIGH SCHOOL MATH PROFICIENCY EXAM FOR SO. CAL. NAME______________________________ GANG

Ok now, you and the lil missus is walkin home frum a good day of doin yur cumunity servis hours when

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After

Here's a prime example of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus" offered by an English professor

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people

This not a widely known fact, mainly because of the little-known popularity of the celebrity involved.

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he called his grandson to his bed. "Grandson I wanna you lisin

A young girl on a year's training course in South Africa recently received a "Dear John" letter from her

Save all manner of bacon grease. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let

A couple in their nineties are BOTH having problems remembering things. They decide to go to the doctor

A man standing in line at a check out counter of a grocery store was very surprised when a very

"Remember, never ask a geek "why"; just nod your head and back away slowly... " Dan Wineman Memory

Born 1903-Died 1942 Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car was on the way down. It was. ****************************** In

Way down in Louisiana, Bubba's old lady had been pregnant for some time and now the time had come.

* Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong. * Keep skunks and bankers and

A man walked into the women's department of Macy's in New York City.He found a saleslady, and told

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat

At the police station, Bubba explained to the police officer why his cousins shot him. "Well," Bubba

Alabama: Yes, We Have Electricity Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong! Arizona: But It's A

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer

A group of previous kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade. The

Who said men don't remember anniversaries? A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband

D A M N I T O L Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours. ST. M O

Two Middle East mothers are sitting in the cafe strip chatting over a pint of goat's milk. The older

Any woman can have the body of a 21-year-old, as long as she buys him a few drinks first. My memory's

*Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal. *I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. *WANTED:

A man comes up to the cashier and she notices that his fly was open. She looks at him and says, "Your

Some people say that I'm superficial, but that's just on the surface. On one hand, I'm indecisive;

1. Jesse Jackson, Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called "Ministers

1. Put bi-focals on . double check that you're with the right partner. 2. Set alarm on your clock

A man attempting to set up his new printer called the printer's tech Support number, complaining about

Here's why . According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were kids in the 40's,

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as

Male Seminars by Females 1. Combatting Stupidity 2. You, Too, Can Do Housework 3. PMS: Learn

Dear Tech Support: Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slow down

So anyvay, late one night, Lena vakes Ole and says, "I tink its time!" So Ole fired up the Yohn Deere

Modern medicine has come up with some great new stuff to make life easier ...: St. Mom's Wort ~

SYMPTOM - Feet cold and wet. SOLUTION - Glass being held at incorrect angle. Rotate glass so that

A woman has had serious headaches for several years and has tried everything; been to several doctors

I hope that this will once again confirm that the most important information in your life won't come

25. Come up with 50 new shades of gray for Martha Stewart Paints. 24. Start marketing new "Martha

He, who laughs last, thinks slowest. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film. A

A .. HARD-DISK Woman: She remembers everything you say and do,FOREVER.!!! B... WINDOWS Woman:

Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday and I wasn't feeling too good that morning. I went to breakfast

1. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever! Unless you actually

Clem pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Jed where he'd first had sex. "It

In a small town in Tennessee, Big Bubba decides it's time for his son, 18 year old Billy Bob, to

My wife of 14 years is convinced she has Mad Cow disease... ... After all, she had a fast food taco

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take

FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80's, slim, 5'4" (used to be 5'6"), searching

On a group of beautiful deserted tropical islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people

1. "I can't find it." MEANS: It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I am completely clueless.

A husband and wife were having a fine dining experience at their exclusive country club when this

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. 2. If

On the night of their 40th anniversary the reminiscing wife finds the negligee she wore on her wedding

After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, an old hillbilly decided it was time

1. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards,

This is a compilation of actual Church Bulletins and Service bloopers... Our next song is "Angels

Your coworker has 8 body piercing and none are visible. You make over $300,000 and still can't

Clem pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Jed where he'd first had sex. "It was

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetie for Valentine's Day. As they had not been

A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse. The horse's trainer meets him

Two old pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane by going back to the place where they first

trucker hauling computers and accessories is driving down the highway late one night when he sees

A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5 year old son playing with his new electric train

A man complains to a friend, "I can't take it anymore." "What's wrong?" his concerned friend asks.

The Scene: The Pearly Gates to Heaven. St Peter is receptionist at the entrance. - A cat shows up.

A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five

Eager to try it out, he takes one as soon as he gets home, and waits for his wife to come home from

A cowboy walks into a bar in Texas, orders three mugs of beer and sits in the back room, drinking

WHAT'S BLACK AND BLUE AND BROWN AND LAYING IN A DITCH? A brunette who's told too many blonde jokes. WHAT

A woman came up behind her husband while he was enjoying his morning coffee and slapped him on the back

A blonde who's down on her luck is walking through a luxurious neighbourhood looking for odd jobs to

Dude walks into a pharmacy laughing hysterically, orders 2 condoms, still laughing, pays the pharmacist

1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers. 2. What do you do if your

A blind rabbit and a blind snake meet each other. Neither one remembers what kind of animal they are,

There was a mine in a small town that completely collapsed. One of the engineers who miraculously survived

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home

A guy says, "I remember the first time I used alcohol as a substitute for women." "Yeah what happened?"

A farmer purchases an old, run-down, abandoned farm with plans to turn it into a thriving enterprise.

Three sisters decided to get married on the same day to save their parents the expense of separate

A man traveling by plane was in urgent need of a restroom facility. But each time he tried, it was

Little Johnny goes to class one day to find that he has a substitute teacher. As the class gets settled

There were two ministers who met each Sunday morning riding to their particular church. They both enjoyed

A cat shows up at the Pearly gates of heaven. St. Peter says, "I know you! You were a very nice

A circus owner walked into a shop to see everyone crowded around a table watching a little show. On

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at

One day long ago, a man and woman got married. The man told the woman that there would always be a

Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price, but it's missing a

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred,

A few days after Christmas, a mother working in the kitchen, was listening to her son play with his

A priest was taking a shortcut through an alley one day and came upon a young boy who was masturbating. "My

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, and as they had not been dating

A truck driver would amuse himself by running over lawyers he would see walking down the side of the

A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked him what he was doing there.

A man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife