right

Gordon Brown, George Bush and Saparmurat Niyazov are flying to a world economic summit. Saparmurat looks

Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop." Customer "Ok." Tech Support: "Did

In a west Texas town, employees in a medium-sized warehouse noticed the smell of gas. Sensibly, management

A man was ordered by his doctor to lose 75 lbs. due to very serious health risks. As he wondered how

Granddad pulls out a beer and the little boy says, "Grandpa, can I have one of those?"Grandpa says "Is

What a Woman Says:"This place is a mess! C'mon,You and I need to clean up.Your stuff is lying on the

In San Francisco, a man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into a local branch and wrote,

This story occurred on Melbourne radio. One of the stations has a competition where they ring someone

The big-game hunter walked into the bar and bragged to everyone about his skills as a hunter. The man

A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away.She protested, "But we don't

"How'd you do it?" the doctor asked as he was setting farmer Joe Brown's broken leg."Well Doc," said

A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions

This one is long but well worth reading!In case your frustration level rises today, this is for everyone

You may not be able to party after marriage if your wife is like this one.............:)Newlyweds This

The teacher, in an attempt to stimulate their minds, asked the class the following question, " What is

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his

A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!"I grabbed my stuff,

A man and his wife were working in their garden one day and the man looks over at his wife and says:"Your

An Arab has spent many days crossing the desert without finding a source of water. It gets so bad that

Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new home. It's fun to cook for Tim. Today I made an angel

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats

A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him. As he sits down, the bartender comes over and

There was this little boy about 12 years old walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a

A man is out in the Chinese wilderness and he's hopelessly lost. It's been nearly three weeks since he's

A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out the camel suddenly

A man is out drinking with his buddies one night and suddenly realizes he has stayed out too late and

An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While China, he is very sexually promiscuous and does not

A man and his wife check into a hotel. The husband wants to have a drink at the bar, but his wife is

A very large, old, building was being torn down in Chicago to make room for a new skyscraper. Due to

A guy met a girl at a nightclub, and she invited him back to her place for the night.When they arrived

Two astronauts, a man and a women, were on a mission to go to Mars and make contact with intelligent

An Arab has spent many days crossing the desert without finding a source of water. It gets so bad that

A woman walks into a drug store to buy tampons. She notices a group of tampons stacked on a table in

Farmer Joe was suing a trucking company for injuries sustained in an accident. In court, the company's

One day, after striking gold in Alaska, a Lonesome miner came down from the mountains and walked into

The young clerk's responsibilities included bringing the judge a hot cup of coffee at the start of every

Three men stand before St. Peter awaiting admission into Heaven. However, St. Peter has been informed

A man was on trial for selling drugs, and a neighbor was called as a witness. ,The defense attorney asked,

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car

There was once a Scotsman and an Englishman who lived next door to each other. The Scotsman owned a hen

TEACHER: Why are you late?WEBSTER: Because of the sign.TEACHER: What sign?WEBSTER: The one that says,

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theater. When the usher came by and noticed

A shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected

The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of

Little John was playing with his airplane in the back yard and his mother was in the kitchen washing

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and

There's this guy who's in the market for a used motorcycle. Always wanted a nice big hog. So he's shopping

One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit

Two Norwegian men were driving near Mt. Horab, a Norwegian community in Wisconsin, when they noticed

Q: How many bleached-blonde, boney, right-wing,

A man wearing a Democratic pin walks into a bar

A little girl and her dog are walking through the

Mark your calendar with the multitude of holidays

A magazine reporter is traveling through a rainforest,

George Bush, Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld are

An elderly lady phoned her telephone company to

A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush

One night, George W. Bush is tossing restlessly

A blond died her hair brown because she was tired

1. How many trarlokks does it take to trokkclap

One day Little Sally got her "monthly bleeding"

Two hicks from West Virginia got married and were

A rather attractive woman goes up to the register

One day, a priest decides to take a walk to the

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After

A firefighter is working on the engine outside

George W. Bush is visiting a primary school and

"If we don't change the direction we're going,

One night, George W. Bush is tossing restlessly

Two lawyers are leaving the office. ââ,¬Å"I

A guy goes to his doctor because heââ,¬â"¢s

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her

Nervous Taxi Driver A passenger in a taxi leaned

Q: What's bright eyed and bushy tailed? A: A squirrel

Q: What did the left leg say to the right leg? A:

Yo mama so poor, when I asked her to use the bathroom,

While the teacher was conducting her class, Little

Yo mama so dirty, she made Right Guard go left.

Two men are sitting around drinking. One guys says

A man dies and goes to Heaven. When he arrives

RANDOM AND CHEAP MARTHA STEWART JOKES What is

When Jane initially met Tarzan of the Jungle, she

A young man goes out and buys the best car on the

A jock and a geek applying for the same job. The

A bear was chasing a little rabbit. "Stop running

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop. Right away they

Two rednecks, Bubba and Cooter, decided that they

A plane is on its way to Houston when a blonde

There was this lawyer who drove his shiny new Lexus

George Bush, Saddam Hussein and General Cosgrove

Saddam Hussein was sitting down wondering who to

Osama and Saddam are walking through a desert when

20. The cucumber has left the salad. 19. I can

EXCITABLE : Shorts half twisted around, cannot

Angelina Jolie: I am so in love with my brother

1. If being chased through town, you can usually

"As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure." -

10. For your birthday, you get the head of an infidel

This week, the Bush administration finally released

Ignoring the fact that George Bush declined Saddam

A man hated his wife's cat and he decided to get

A blonde began a job as an elementary school counselor

There once was a lowly snail, who was busily crawling

One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and

An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks

A leprechaun walks into a bar, and he see's a sign

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1.

The American Dairy Association was so successful

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods,

A very religious man lived right next door to an

An engineer died and ended up in Hell. He was not

A young punk gets on a bus and sits down in directly

Traditional Capitalism: You have two cows. You

A husband is at home watching a football game when

Once again the female staff will be offering courses

Gwen met Randy at a nightclub. They hit it off,

A few days before his proctological exam, a one

1) Compassionativity is not a word. 2) Social

1. Britney Spears & Eminem Who, combined, have

George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening? Condi:

One day George W. Bush and Dick Cheney walk into

A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when

A preacher woke up one Sunday morning and looked

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all

Knock, knock Whoââ,¬â"¢s there? Sorry,

I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I

A manager at a General Store is teaching a young,

A guy was taking a new bus route for the first

It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered

Three couples went to see a minister to find out

Feudalism: You have two cows. Your lord takes some

A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview

Oil Change instructions for Women: Pull up to

A man was nervously pacing around the waiting room

Yo mama is so stupid, I told her Christmas was

I think Santa Claus is a woman... I hate to be

Yo mama's so big, fat and clumsy, when she tried

MONDAY 8:00 - "Husseinfeld" 8:30 - "Mad About Everything" 9:00

If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company,

He meets Satan, who says, "You are supposed to

A 12 inch pianist walks into a bar, looks at the

Q. How do you annoy your girlfriend during sex? A.

A retired US Marine was looking for a new job.

Some say George W. Bush quit drinking because of

George W. Bush told Dick Cheney, "I really hate

Over a gynecologist's office: "Dr. Jones, at your

Where do the characters go when I use my backspace

A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with

Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look

One day Adam and Eve notice God standing before

A squad of American soldiers was patrolling the

A rookie pitcher was struggling at the mound, so

All quotes 100% authentic, and courtesey of George

Are you harboring a fugitive- Hu Yu Hai Ding See

Fred and his brother, "Donkey" walk into a pub

What do you call a fart? A turd honking for

An Alabama man turned 18 and went to a local house

Whether the cause is a previous night of drinking

I. Know that although the cat has the advantage

10) You have to explain to most foreigners that

1. I'll turn capital punishment into a new game

A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and

1. Your name must be Daisy, because I have the

SEX CONTRACT I, _______________________, hereby

You're convinced that chirping birds are Satan's

A guy was standing in front of the gorilla cage

1. Your dog rather rub up against the wall than

1. With a little effort, you could pull the bags

Three couples went in to see the minister about

"Husseinfeld" "Mad About Everything" "U.S. Military

A drunk had been at a pub all night. At last call,

Two Arkansans meet on a dusty, country road. One

Why was the lawyer skimming the Bible right before

And the Lord spoke to Noah: ''In six months I'm

A mother goes to visit her daughter. She walks

An Irishman is sitting at the end of a bar. He

Two guys are at the doctor's office, each has got

There once was this guy who was going on a date

A man is in a hospital bed completly wrapped up

God, Jesus and John the Baptist are playing golf

A gynecologist was getting sick of his job and

1) The president is not in his/her office at this

The preacher stood before the congregation. ''Brothers

Two friends, named Harry and George, go on a trip

Jack and Betty are celebrating their 50th wedding

Once upon a workday dreary, my stomach grumbled

There was an old man named Bozo, and all he had

Why are men just like carpet? Once you lay 'em

There was a cowboy riding down a trail on his horse

A young man is wandering around the zoo looking

A man walks into a bar and orders a double, obviously

One day, a woman comes out with a bunch of trash

All good Southerners already know these, but in

There was a man who owned a giant gorilla and he'd

Three clergymen were sitting in a boat, fishing.

An Irishman and Englishman and a Scotsman walk

Q: What do a man and a driveway have in common?

One right can't make a wrong. But two Wrights can

One day, a farmer walked into a bar and asked the

1) Large, loft-style apartments in New York City

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from his recent

1. The Female always makes THE RULES. 2. THE

Q: There is a house. The front is facing south

Q: What did the blonde's left leg say to the right

A black cow was standing in the middle of the

Yo mama's so poor, I saw her walking down the street

One Friday night in San Fransisco, a man hops a

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at

Two football players, Bubba and Tiny, were taking

A man with an average handicap decides to play

A man strolls into a pharmacy and asks the assistant

A drunk is driving through the city and his car

The U.S. Government decided to take an experiment

A man hails a taxi, and gets inside. "5th and

A farmer rears 25 young hens and one old cock.

There were three NASCAR fans on their way to a

There was this guy that went to the doctor to get

Did you hear that Bill Gates bought the world-wide

This guy buys a new motorcycle. The salesperson

A blonde got three tattoos: one of Jeff Gordon

Christmas was just around the corner, and a father

A man on a plane asked the stewardess if he could

A frog leaps out of the magical forest where he

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing, so after getting

I'll get a world record for this. Let me reach

What did the right ball say to the left ball?

A man walked into a curio store and was shopping

Ken and Bruce were very bored and very gay. Suddenly

A woman goes to a doctor, and says, "Doctor I want

Once there was a guy that went in a whorehouse

A plumber attended to a leaking faucet at a neurosugeon's

There are three whores sitting in a bar. The

Barbara Walters was doing a documentary on the

A woman walks into a saloon and stands on a chair.

There is this third grade class with this kid named

Two gay men are walking down the street trying

What do guys and ceramic tiles have in common?

A little boy came home from school one day and

One day, Farmer Brown went behind his barn and

A guy went to a whore house and asked the lady

There was an old man named Bill, and one of the

Once there was a blonde driving home from work

(Setting: A furious lightsaber duel is underway.

A man and his wife were sitting in church, the

There were three boys all in third grade: an Asian

A blond guy and a brunette girl were happily married

A very old couple wanted to have children, so

The Pope goes to New York. He is picked up at

Billy's homework assignment is to think of a true

A small guy enters an elevator and notices a huge

One day a man and his wife went golfing, as they

Three fans are walking to Fenway Park for the Red

This guy lives in Westchester, NY and goes to

A teacher, a thief and a lawyer all die in the

One day a man goes into a hotel and asks for a

The ringmaster of a traveling circus was looking

Once there were two twins, Joe and John. Joe was

1) Excitable -- Shorts half-twisted around, cannot

A man went to England on a trip and met a woman

Her version: Oh did I mention or did I not? Well

Why can Captain Kirk hear so well? Because

There were three dogs at a vet's office. The

An old man went to the social security office to

If you throw a party, the worst thing you can do

There once was a girl named Suzy Brown Said no

A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver

Pete and Larry had not seen each other in many

In the realm of the Mighty King Gates who has pulled

A man is riding aimlessly through the desert on

What if Data Ran Windows98? WORF: Captain, there

A month before Prom night the daughter goes to

Three guys walk into a motel and find out there

A certain zoo had acquired a very rare species

A man walks into a bar and sits down right across

A woman walks into a restaurant and sits down.

George W. Bush was passing through an airplane

This Story is true!!! For all of you who occasionally

There once was a captain of a ship, and everyday

Two lawyers, Jon and Amanpreet, head out for their

Two rednecks meet on a dusty country road. One

A sailor and a pirate walk into a bar. They sit

Q: What is your date of birth? A: July fifteenth.

A man died and went to straight down to hell. The

Jake was watching vigilantly at his dying wife's

10. You're so tired you now answer the phone,

George W. Bush is sitting in the White House kitchen

1) If you and I were squirrels, I could bust a

Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study

A 47 year-old lady gets a facelift. It turns out

One night a man walked into a bar with a brown

Two gay men decide to get themselves chased by

Three turtles, Joe, Steve, and Poncho, decide

What did OJ say to Nicole just before he killed

(which in our society means over 25) An older

One misty Scottish morning a man is driving through

Nuns where repainting their chapel. They kept getting

Ma and Pa are sitting out on the front porch one

One day a man was stuck in bumper to bumper traffic,

A plane was once flying over an island when the

A newlywed couple arrives in their sumptuous honeymoon

A couple went to church every week, but every

A guy calls into a radio station and he says

Many women are afraid of their first mammogram,

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. Walking

A boy comes home one day and runs up to his mom.

For years it has been believed that electric bulbs

A very thirsty guy realizes that he's just walked

Bob and Bill are driving down the road going about

10. I think of you as a brother. Translation: You

ARKANSAS STATE RESIDENCY APPLICATION Name:

The was a man named George who got a new job.

A farmer was in a bar drinking and looking all

One day a guy walked into a pet store to buy a

Three guys were captured in Iraq as American spies

A hippie saunters into an urban Bar & Grill and

A cat and a chicken die but end up in the wrong

Jan.10 5:00 P.M. It's starting to snow. The

What did the right eye say to the left eye? Just

There was a blonde driving down the road one day.

There was a man who got into a car accident. He

One day, a man walks into a bar with an ostrich

A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive

Two guys are golfing on a course that is right

A man was out of town on business. While sitting

There was a man who would come home blind drunk

The Smiths had no children and decided to use a

A concerned husband goes to see the family doctor

One sunny Saturday morning, the first of a twosome

There were 3 basketball players, one each from

The Perfect Dump -- Every once in a while, each

Two guys were sitting at a bar on the 40th floor

Once there was a substitute teacher taking over

10) This doesn't look anything like you... 9)

A cop pulled over a car for swerving all over the

A man was drinking in a bar when he noticed this

* Take shopping carts for the express purpose of

What did the guy's carphone answering machine say?

One day Bob and Bubba went fishing. They were catching

A young man and a young woman were soon to be married,

Q: Who has the right of way any time? A: The

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that. 2.

Just as mom walks though the door, little Jonny

Once there was this man whose car broke down.

One day, a blonde went to the doctor's office with

But everybody looks funny naked! You woke me

A White man explaining to a Mexican man says that

So this guy walks into a whorehouse and asks the

Five pigs were standing outside a bar. The first

A man and and a woman from Alabama don't want any

A very rich man met a beautiful lady and he decided

How are men and tile alike? If you lay them

Always take the time to smell the roses... and

John and Bob were inseparable childhood friends.

A man was sprawled across three entire seats in

Once there were two chinese gentlemen named Mr.

What did the blondes right leg say to the left

Last week I took some friends out to a restaurant,

A state trooper spied a car puttering along at

A woman walks in to a tattoo parlor and tells the

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town,

One night, a police officer was staking out a particularly

A mystery-lover takes his place in the theater

One day, there was a man sitting on a bus. Since

On the night of the prom, a boy's girlfriend is

What a woman says: This place is a mess! C'mon,

A man is having terrible headaches, he can't stand

A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus

An old wizard was walking through a park when he

Man who stick face in punchbowl get punch in nose.

Hallo? Is this Giganta? Giganta Crotchetta? Oh,

There was once an old pheasant who was chatting

There was a guy walking down the street in San

Two guys meet in heaven, and are chatting about

A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right

A groom passes down the aisle of the church to

There was a man who was drivivng down the road

A man was grocery shopping one day when he passed

There were two blondes as roommates and they both

Men are like lava lamps. Fun to look at but not

A blonde co-ed is looking at a bulletin board and

Q: The male sex has two hobbies. What are they?

A leprechaun and his friend walked into a bar one

A man got pulled over by a cop because he was

Yo' mama like an elevator, you push the right button

This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up.

Last 10 Things a Man Would Say: 10. I think Barry

A young boy walks in on his mother in the bathtub.

If I cut off my right butt-cheek, will I be left

There is this extremely horny guy who loves to

One night, a cabbie was driving through the streets

A dog walks into a bar. He hops up on a bar stool

I'm currently running the latest version of GirlFriend

One day, a blonde went to go get lessons on how

A woman who was rather old-fashioned, delicate,

There are approximately two billion children (persons

Betty & Tim were killed in an auto accident on

This hous wife got tired of being alone everyday

To get married you need a wedding license, right?

There are two blondes playing golf. One tees off

The three wise men went to visit Jesus right after

10. That shirt is very becoming on you. Then again

A very respected Captain in the foreign legion

A newlywed couple had just arrived in their honeymoon

A farmer has to go out to plow his rental field

1: Passionate kiss like spider's web. Soon lead

A man wanted to buy his wife a unique birthday

A fellow walks into a bar very down on himself.

A woman went camping and while she was out she

Q: What did the right nut say to the left nut?

A man notice a little girl frolicking in the park

1. Not the brightest crayon in the box 2. Not

A young deaf-mute couple got married. At first

A policeman pulls over a driver for swerving in

Why are Blondes like pianos? Because when they're

Dan wakes up on Monday morning, staggers into the

A dying man gathered his best friends - a lawyer,

On the day of her wedding to Prince Edward, Sophie

One day a blonde was outside of her apartment on

Man visits doctor with apple stuck in mouth,

A man walking his son in the park one day came

A guy in a supermarket goes up to the cashier and

Q: Why did the blonde tattoo her zip code on her

* If the enemy is in range, so are you Incoming

How many teachers does it take to change a light

One day a new vacuum salesman is going door-to-door

A guy goes to a nightclub and when the bouncer

A man goes into a sperm bank and says, "I'd like

Where do you find a no legged dog? Right where

The following are a sampling of REAL answers

Once there were 3 little pigs who lived together

A woman goes into a restaurant in a small town

One morning, a man approached the first tee, only

Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk.

Yo' mama so old, I had to poke around for an hour

Two blondes were shopping at the mall. When they

A little old lady goes into the Chase Manhattan

There was a young country boy who was very bright.

1) So your daughter's a hooker,and it spoiled your

A man from another country came to the U.S. and

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment

A guy goes out one day, hunting for bear. After

Bill Clinton calls his intern. ''Come into the

A blonde walks into a drugstore and purchases a

Squawks are problems left behind by airplane pilots

Why did the blonde take a right into the ditch?

You stink so bad you make Right Guard turn left,

Once there were two best friends, named Fred and

A man walks into a pub and says, "Give me three

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first

Q: What did Clinton say when asked if he had used

Yo mama's so smelly, her Sure deodorant is confused

You might be a redneck if anyone in your family

Cross my heart this happened to someone. This guy

What a woman says: “This place is a mess!

If you and I were squirrels, could I bust

There were three women who always hung their laundry

    One day many years ago, a fisherman's

An older man wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat

Ã, Ã, Ã,  A truck driver was driving along

Shit is a powerful word. Just think of all the

Sister Mary Katherine lived in a convent, a block

A new guy in town walks into a bar and notices

Grandma went into Victoria's Secret and wanted

Twas the Night before Christmas, and all through

An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her

As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I can get

A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynecologist.

A gentleman is sitting next to the Pope on an airplane.

Male Seminarsby Females 1.  Combatting 

1. Life is sexually transmitted. 2. Two wrongs

WHAT WOMEN SAY & REALLY MEAN: CAN'T WE JUST

There were three old ladies sitting on a park bench

Members of Congress...people of America....I banged

All-Purpose Excuse Form, designed to get you out

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates.

Due to widespread panic about the Y2K bug, Internet

Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically

Joe was moderately successful in his career, but

    Dick Cheney, President Bush

On the last day of kindergarten, all the children

One Sunday morning, everyone in one bright, beautiful,

It seems there was two brothers by the same name

One evening, a family brings their frail, elderly

A man and his wife check into a hotel. The husband

A very old couple book a honeymoon suite in a five-star

Three couples were married and stayed at the same

A young couple were married and they were having

A young blonde stock broker was bored with her

Harry and his wife are having hard financial times,

There are three men in a hotel each wanting

A women desperately looking for work goes into

First and foremost, we are not obligated to do

Two cowboys are leanin' up against the rail at

After a Christmas break, a teacher asked her young

    On preparing to return home

A Denton, Texas man was arrested for filing a false

A cowboy was passing by a ranch and decided to

    A few months ago, there was

Breakfast: 1/2 grapefruit 1 slice whole wheat

The teacher says, "Today we are going to learn

A man who was a little slow was visiting his wife

Three guys, a teenager, his father and his grandfather

A man staggers into an emergency room with two

    One day, a man named Tony died.  

NAME: "Expecteria Trouserius" (Trouser Snake) LOCATION:

1) You define summer as three months of bad

Two kids were having the standard argument about

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny

Steve was in a terrible accident at work. However,

    Marol spent her wedding night

Santa was very cross. It was Christmas Eve and

Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher

Joe woke up one morning with an enormous boner

The headwaiter of a five-star, elegant restaurant

A guy walked into a pro-shop with a gorilla. "Is

Two men drove to a gas station for a fill-up

I did not do it in a car I did not do it

A woman and man get into a car accident. Both

One Sunday a pastor asked his congregation to consider

    Psychologists have discovered

A man phones home from the office and tells his

    DETROIT--With third-quarter

    A guy is sitting at a bar in

A judge asks a defendant to please stand. "You

This should be sung to the tune "A Few of

    Stupid people should have to

Marge was in bed with a man (not her husband).

Mom and Dad were trying to console Susie, whose

Three guys are convicted of a very serious crime,

Monica Lewinsky virus: Sucks all the memory

Remember the book "Men are from Mars, Women are

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town,

It is near the end of the school year.  The

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed

This is a true story from the WordPerfect helpline.

Listen my children, and you shall hear Of

    'Twas the night before Christmas

On the day of the Royal Wedding, Sofia was getting

An FM station has a competition where they ring

1. In the company of females, intercourse

    The following information was

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners.

Run one lap around the office at top speed

    For all you guys out there who

Three couples went in to see the minister to see

ASTROLOGY: tells us about you and your future

A young wife, her boorish husband and a young good

MICROSOFT NEWS RELEASE: It has come to our attention

Our Rights: The following was written by State

A guy sees his new neighbor out in his backyard,

A Redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery.

Some of the finest quotes from the Honorable Marion

"Husseinfeld" "Mad About Everything" "U.S. Military

1. Cover your stump before you hump. 2. Before

A young punk gets on the cross-town bus. He's got

Dear __________________________,    

Crazy Mike the Biker walks into a pharmacy and

One day at the end of class, little Johnny's teacher

Last name: ________________ First name (check

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night.

An elderly lady phoned her telephone company to report that her telephone failed to ring when her

A strong young man at a construction site was bragging that he could out do anyone in a feat of strength.

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows the rancher says to Amy, "The artificial-insemination

Dress Code: 1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary. 2) If we see

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail and tripped over a large snake and fell,

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady

Two lawyers, Bob and Bill, were having a heated exchange during a trial. The judge asked both lawyers

Next mood swing: 6 minutes I hate everybody, you're next. And your point is.............? I

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: 'Hi, how are you?' I'm

A young Chinese couple get married. She's a virgin, and truth be told he's a virgin too, but she

So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day... Look at the bright side, she's a really

BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a CHANGE! The chicken

The Pope was finishing his sermon. He ended it with the Latin phrase, "Tuti Homini" - Blessed be Mankind. A

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself ~~'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.' --

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a client

A society lady runs into the employment office one day and demands a maid "right now". It seems

An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop. "Ma'am,

On his way out of church after mass, Frank stopped at the door to speak to the minister. "Would it

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine

Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other

A truck driver was driving along the freeway saw a sign that read, 'Low Bridge overhead' but, before

Michael was feeling ill at work, and left after lunch to go home. He walked into the house and found

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied. On

A man went on a business trip to China and wanted to buy some gifts for his kids. He went to a shop

After hearing a couple's complaints that their intimate life wasn't what it used to be, the sex counselor

At a recent convention of biological scientists, one researcher remarked to another, "Did you know

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company,

INFORMATION YOU NEED TO HELP YOU CHOOSE YOUR NEXT HEALTH PLAN .. Q. What does HMO stand for? A.

There was a Midwestern phone company that was going to hire one team of telephone pole installers,

A World War II pilot is reminiscing before school children about his flying days during the war.

A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it,

One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates,

A blonde is roller-skating down the board-walk one day. She's just skating along in her lycra pants,

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new

A retired corporate executive, now a widower, decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean

You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a 'drop off', (The ground is 18-20

A young girl from Ireland leaves home to find work in the bright lights of London. She comes home

A very large, old, building was being torn down in Chicago to make room for a new skyscraper. Due

A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." Winston Churchill "A modest

Yesterday I went to the doctor for my yearly physical. My blood pressure was high, my cholesterol

A blonde was visiting Washington, DC for the first time. She wanted to see the Capital building. Unfortunately,

Dress Code: 1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary. 2) If we see

A lady went to the bar on a cruise ship, and ordered a Scotch, with two drops of water. The bartender

A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO It is also the most

In a small mid western conservative town, a new bar/tavern started a building to open up their business.

Me: Hello. AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T. Me: Is this AT&T? AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T. Me: This is

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender can't help but stare at the

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar. Woods turns to Wonder and says: How is the singing career

A man and his wife were working in their garden 1 day and the man looks over at his wife and says

A Blonde Texan city girl, marries a Texas rancher. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows

Marge was in bed with a man (not her husband). All of a sudden, they heard a noise downstairs. "Oh,

1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow. 2. Money will buy a fine

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically

A guy receives an ad in the mail for a golf resort where everything costs one dollar. He jumps at the

Last week my tie caught on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with an ax! I met the surgeon general.

A cowboy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar. But decides, what the heck,"

Grandma's letter; She is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes: Dear

Three friends had a good friend named Joe and he was, naturally, an eternal optimist. At every bad

A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch

I had checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely so I thought I'd get me one of those

Two young boys walk into a pharmacy one day, pick out a box of Tampax and proceed to the checkout counter.

1. You must first learn to pronounce the city name, it is L. A. 2. The morning rush hour is from

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one

TO: MR. JAMES THATCHER, BRAND MANAGER, PROCTER & GAMBLE. Dear Mr. Thatcher, I have been a loyal

"Late again," the third-grade teacher said to little Sammy. "It's not my fault, Miss Crabtree. You

A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if

A fifteen year-old boy came home with a new Chevrolet Avalanche and his parents began to yell and scream,

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died,

The old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years he had faithfully served the people of the nation's

A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter

Joe passed away. His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last guests departed

A lady walked into a Lexus dealership just to browse. Suddenly, she spotted the most beautiful car

A young couple on their wedding night were in their honeymoon suite. As they were undressing for bed,

A couple had only been married for two weeks and the husband, although very much in love, couldn't

Even if you aren't a skier, you'll be able to appreciate the humor of the slopes as written by a New

On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons. Early one morning, the woman

A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at a

(We take you now to the Oval Office.) George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening? Condi:

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son

A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders.

1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen. 2. When you get to

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by kids) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff.

Down south, Bubba called his attorney and asked, "Is it true they's suin' them cigarette companies

At Heathrow Airport in England, a 300 ft. red carpet was stretched out to Air Force One and President

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. He

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play - normally one club and two balls. 2. Play

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their

A contestant on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" had reached the final plateau. If she answered the

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags, one in each hand. There's

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg. It's tough

An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop.

An old man, a boy, and a donkey were on their way to town. The boy was riding the donkey. As they

A female officer arrested a man for drunk driving. The female officer tells the man: "Sir, you have

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow?

There was a midget down in Texas whose testicles ached almost all the time. The midget went to

You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a valley and on your right side

Some retired deputy sheriffs went to a retreat in the mountains. To save money, they decided to sleep

Dear Mrs. Fenton, Over the past six months, your husband, Mr. Bill Fenton has been causing quite

Old West Phrases That Will Never Sound The Same After "Brokeback Mountain"... 1. "I'm gonna pump

A contestant on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire" had reached the final plateau. If she answered the

A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early

"An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they

DINING OUT 1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly

The Washington Post asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting,

Bill and Hillary are at a Yankees home game, sitting in the first row, With the Secret Service people

A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie. The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes. The

Here's a prime example of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus" offered by an English professor

According to the FBI, most modern-day bank robberies are "unsophisticated and unprofessional crimes,"

On his way out of church, Frank stopped at the door to speak to the minister. "Would it be right,"

While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a U.S. Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people

A couple of blonde men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the blonde men walked in

Little Johnny had a cussing problem and his father was getting tired of it. He decided to ask his

This guy walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a freakin' checking

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a good looking, older retired

A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends. Every day they would sit

by David Letterman 10. The cucumber has left the salad. 9. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower

A man goes into a store and asks the clerk for some "Polish Sausage." The clerk looked at him and

After having been served in a Las Vegas cocktail lounge, a real southern gentleman beckoned the waitress

Grandpa watched Tommy pull a worm out of the ground and told him that he would give him 10 bucks if

In case you have been waiting breathlessly for this year's Darwin Awards, here they are. The awards

There was a German, an Italian and a Missouri Redneck on death row. The warden gave them a choice

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she

Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring another bull onto the ranch,

A frightened man dialed 911 to report! an assault. "I was coming in the back door," said the man to

An older Jewish man married a younger woman. After several months, the young woman complained that

No matter what you do or where you go, you're always going to be yourself. And Panexa knows this. Your

It was last Wednesday night, and I was sitting in my room watching television when the phone rang. "Hello?" A

Three explorers became lost in the jungle and wandered for days with no food and little water... One

10. Every Tuesday he insists it's his turn to be the siren. 9. He is starting to develop a crush

In a small Southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with

10. When filling out your driver's license application you give your IP address. 9. You no longer

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage

A young fellow at the state fair stood watching an old Indian. Above the old Indian was a sign that

Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says "Where in the hell have you been?" He

Smart Ass Answer #5: A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As

Wife: Oh, come on. Husband: Leave me alone! Wife: It won't take long. Husband: I won't be

The Mr. Right Rejection Letter Form Dear [____rejectee's name here_____], I regret to inform

During class, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asks the students: "Students, If you were on

Name of Boyfriend/Fiancé/Husband: I request permission for a leave of absence from the highest

--Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife

I checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely so I thought I'd get me one of those

David Letterman's Top 10 reasons why there are no black NASCAR drivers: (I bet his life will be miserable

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. "So, how is everything going?" inquired

Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton and Al Gore were in an airplane that crashed. They're up in heaven, and

NUDITY I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched with horror as her ball headed directly towards

One day, a kindergarten teacher said to the class of 5-year-olds, "I'll give $2 to the child who can

A man walked into the women's department of Macy's in New York City.He found a saleslady, and told

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. As he sits, the waitress comes

In the year 2005, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said, "Once

From: Chief of Operations Subject: Proper Narrative Descriptions It has come to our attention from

My other car is a bomb This vehicle makes wide right turns into buildings Allah is my co-pilot My

Bill and Hillary are at the Yankee's World Series Game 6; sitting in the first row, with the Secret

A man in the Florida supermarket tries to buy half a head of lettuce. The very young produce assistant

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia formally

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death they are close to just

What is a Cat? Cats do what they want. They rarely listen to you. They're totally unpredictable.

How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?" Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day

Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle.

Sitting on the edge of the highway waiting to catch speeders, a state police officer saw a car driving

George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening? Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the

While the barber is lathering the man up for his shave, the man expresses to the barber how he has

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says

This is an actual job application that a 17 year old boy submitted to McDonald's in Florida... and

A young man, who was also an avid golfer, found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true? A: Your heart is only

A day before his 15th birthday, the son of a wealthy family was asked by his father, `Well my son,

A Mexican man becomes an instant millionaire after winning the lottery. With his newfound wealth,

It was spring in the old west. The cowboys rode the still snow choked trails looking for cattle

Leah phones her husband at work, "Izzy, do you have time for a chat?" "Sorry, darling, this is not

Helpdesk: What kind of computer do you have? Female customer: A white one... -------------------------------------------------------------------- Hi,

A young Technician and his General Manager board a train headed through the mountains on its way to

Alabama: Yes, We Have Electricity Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong! Arizona: But It's A

At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady truck up a conversation and

After a night on the town, a young woman brought a new friend home for a late-night drink. "You can't

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from his recent accident were serious enough to take the trucking company

To the citizens of the United States of America: In the light of your failure to elect a competent

[The year would not be complete without the Darwin Awards - awarded every year to the persons who

Man "Haven't we met before?" Woman "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic." Man "Haven't

A man fell asleep on the beach.He woke up several hours later and suffered a severe sunburn to his

Written by Phil Maggitti Going to War with the Army that We Want. WASHINGTON, D.C. - President

*Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal. *I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. *WANTED:

I. There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa

I think Santa Claus is a woman .... I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's

George Carlin Speaks Out... I Am Your Worst Nightmare. I am a BAD American. I am George Carlin. I

Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, and Al Gore were in an airplane that crashed. They're up in heaven,

Amy, a blonde city girl, marries a farmer. One morning, on his way out to the fields, the farmer says

A guy took his blonde girl friend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their

Some of us Southerners are pretty skeptical of horoscopes and the people that read them. If we are

In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the day. During that time we regret that you

A college student challenged a senior citizen, saying, "It is impossible for your generation to understand

Some people say that I'm superficial, but that's just on the surface. On one hand, I'm indecisive;

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls

A Russian and an Newfoundland wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic Gold medal. Before the

A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. While the religious one prayed day in, day

Two guys are walking through the woods and come across this big deep hole. "Wow...that looks deep."

It was the first day of school in Marietta, Georgia, and a new student named Suzuki, the son of a Japanese

A business man got on an elevator.when he entered,there was a blonde already inside who greeted him

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck,

One day, a shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same

Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new

It was Saturday night and the preacher still hadn't been able to think of a sermon for the next morning.

There was a man named George who got a new job. His fellow employees always met for a round of golf

A farmer has three sons. One day, his oldest boy comes to him and pleads with him that he is graduating

Who says cops don't have a sense of humor? The following were taken off of actual police car videos

A woman had 8 children, all of them boys. So, one day a magazine sent a journalist to her house for

How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened when she brings it. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Why

1. Put bi-focals on . double check that you're with the right partner. 2. Set alarm on your clock

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me.

A team of American and British archaeologists was excavating in Israel when they came upon a cave.

I once received a fax with a note on the bottom to fax the document back to the sender when I was

Here's why . According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were kids in the 40's,

1. Never take a beer to a job interview. 2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as

You may not know that many nonliving things have a gender. For example... 1) Ziploc Bags- They

Male Seminars by Females 1. Combatting Stupidity 2. You, Too, Can Do Housework 3. PMS: Learn

An elderly lady phoned her telephone company to report that her telephone failed to ring when her friends

There were three boys all in third grade: an Asian boy, a Spanish boy and a redneck. They were trying

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she

A young Catholic man goes to confession and says, "Father, it has been one month since my last confession.

Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a cow born in Canada

SYMPTOM - Feet cold and wet. SOLUTION - Glass being held at incorrect angle. Rotate glass so that

A woman has had serious headaches for several years and has tried everything; been to several doctors

There was a midget down in Texas whose testicles hurt and ached almost all the time. The midget went

A large woman wearing a sleeveless sun dress walked into a pub in England. She raised her right arm

He, who laughs last, thinks slowest. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film. A

There were two brothers. One was very good and tried always to live right and be helpful. His brother

A .. HARD-DISK Woman: She remembers everything you say and do,FOREVER.!!! B... WINDOWS Woman:

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals had a habit

Russian President Putin called President George W. Bush with an emergency. "Our largest condom factory

George Bush goes to a primary [elementary] school to talk about the war. After his talk, he opens

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The

A friend just got back from a holiday ski trip to Utah with the kind of story that warms the cockles

A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff,

One day an Irishman, who has been stranded on a desert island for over ten long years, sees an unusual

A Russian and an American wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic Gold Medal. Before the final

FINE This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to

Cinderella is now 95 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits

Some of us Southerners are pretty skeptical of horoscopes and the people that read them. If we are

Clem pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Jed where he'd first had sex. "It

Here are some conversations that actually happened between help desk people and their customers. Customer:

I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your bed rock. I can't find my puppy, can you

A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital. Just before he was

A guy walks into a bar ... once inside, he realizes it's a gay bar, but he decides, "What the heck,

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK: Indubitably Innovative Preliminary Cinnamon THINGS

The Doctor said: "The good news is I can cure your headaches...The bad news is that it will require

An office manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through

One day, after striking gold in Alaska, a lonesome miner came down from the mountains and walked into

One day George W. Bush and Dick Cheney walk into a diner. A waitress walks up to them and asks if

A guy walks into a bar. He sits down at the end of the bar, next to another guy, who was the only

randpa and grandma were watching the television evangelical show and the preacher said, if the viewers

Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a physical, only to find out that she's pregnant. She is furious...

A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party. He doesn't know what costume to wear

1. When you get pulled over, say "What's wrong, ossifer, there's no blood in my alcohol?" 2. When

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take

There was an old man, a boy, and a donkey. They were going to town and it was decided that the boy

A female police officer arrests a guy for drunk driving. While reading him his Miranda Rights, the

Students in an advanced biology class were taking a mid-term. The last question, worth 70 points or

A husband and wife were traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours

A Chinese couple gets married - and she's a virgin. Truth be told, he is none too experienced either.

SUNDAY: 0800 - My 33 Sons 0830 - Osama Knows Best 0900 - I Dream of Mohammed 0930 - Let's

Walking through Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and

On the night of their 40th anniversary the reminiscing wife finds the negligee she wore on her wedding

1. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards,

That's not right... Sum Ting Wong Are you harboring a fugitive?... Hu Yu Hai Ding? See me

Two elderly residents, one male and one female, were sitting alone in the lobby of their nursing home

ABBOT: Ultimate Super Duper Computer Store. Can I help you? COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up

(Internal Revenue Service, an agency of the government to whom Americans pay taxes on their salary.) --Always

Storming into his lawyer's office, a Texas oil magnate demanded that divorce proceedings begin at once

While riding one day, a cowboy met an Indian riding along with a dog and a sheep and he began a conversation.

A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed,

The Washington Post's Style Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary,

DRESS CODE It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you

A woman desperately looking for work went into a factory. The personnel manager looked over her resume

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his

Mama and Papa bear were splitting up, and baby bear had to decide who he was going to live with.

These questions about Canada were posted on an international tourism website and obviously the answers

A fifteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began to scream, "Where did you get

INSTRUCTIONS FOR MICROSOFT'S NEW TV DINNER PRODUCT: You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing

Clem pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Jed where he'd first had sex. "It was

Men are like ....... Laxatives ...... They irritate the @#%$ out of you. Men are like ........

A guy goes to the Post Office to interview for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Are you a Veteran?" The

A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice. "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step,

The Pope was finishing his sermon. He ended it with the Latin phrase, "Tuti Homini" - Blessed be Mankind. A

The husband didn't want to play in the "Couples Alternate Shot Tournament" at the club, but he reluctantly

Colin was struggling to decide what to wear to go to a fancy costume party. Then he had a bright idea. When

Boudreaux went into the fish market to apply for a job. The boss thought to himself - I'm not hiring

A blonde had just totalled her car in a horrific road accident but miraculously, she managed to pry

"Grandma, how long have you and Grandpa been married?" asked young Nina. "Fifty years," Grandma

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in the tiny town of Johnstown got up early and went

A man decides he wants to have a pig roast, so he goes out to a pig farm to buy one. He agrees on

At a convention of biological scientists, one researcher remarks to another, "Did you know that in

The following story was written by Andrew Marlatt. It first appeared on SatireWire on Feb. 1, 2002

The Smiths were unable to conceive children, and decided to use a surrogate father to start their

I had an appointment to see a urologist who shared an office with several other doctors. The waiting

A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His camel dies of thirst. He's crawling

A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little boy next door

As a concierge at a posh resort, I was often asked about the ski facilities. One day a couple who

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In English," he said, "a double negative

A 75 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar

And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach and green and yellow vegetables of

A guy goes into a public washroom and has to use the only available urinal, between two elderly men.

A man was feeling very depressed and walked into a bar and ordered a triple scotch whiskey. As the

A lawyer from New York was transferred to a small frontier town during the settlement of the West.

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have

When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was

A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next to a priest. The drunk's

A man who absolutely hated his wife's cat decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks

Three doctors were driving together to the hospital when they had an accident and all three died.

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th

One day, Jesus and the Devil were both working on their computers. Jesus was typing away. The Devil

The American businessman was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with

Little Johnny's mother was trying hard to get the catsup to come out of the bottle. During her struggle

A man walked into a therapist's office looking very depressed. "Doc, you've got to help me. I can't

"I just love the French. They taste like chicken!" ---- Hannibal Lecter "I would rather have a

Add It Up: Relationship Guide For all you guys out there who just can't figure it out, here it is:

MARKETING: You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in

A man is waiting for wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer!"

One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual Christmas gift for

A young fellow at the state fair stood watching an old Indian. Above the old Indian was a sign that

Frank was excited about his new rifle, and decided to try bear hunting. He spotted a small brown

The townspeople did a little research and discovered they could get a cow from Moscow for 2000 rubles

There was a zebra who had lived her entire life in a zoo and was getting on in age so the zoo keeper

A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five

This farmer had an old rooster and he thought it might be time to get a new young rooster to service

DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You

This hillbilly kid goes into a drugstore and asks the druggist for a box of condoms. The druggist

Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated

A woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond rings, a

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual

When Uncle Charlie died of old age, Bill was bequeathed his uncle's prized Amazon parrot. This parrot

The story is told of a Mexican bandit who robbed a Texas bank of $250,000 and escaped across the river. A

1.) "If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all

One night, a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the

This woman goes to a pet store to purchase some dog food. She puts the bag of food up on the counter

You met him in prison. During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway. He tells you

Bob and his three golf buddies were out playing and were just starting on the back nine when Bob paused,

A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a 1999 Ferrari GTO. It is also most expensive

A couple were golfing one day on a very exclusive golf course, lined with million-dollar houses.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. 2. Learn to work the toilet seat; if

Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told Billy Bob that she would send someone

Two rednecks met in a bar and decided that they weren't going anywhere in life so thought they should

A woman walks into a tattoo parlour. 'Do you do custom work?' she asks the artist. 'Why of course!' 'Good.

A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, "We have special requirements

One day, after striking gold in Alaska, a lonesome miner came down from the mountains and walked into

A man and his wife were working in their garden one day and the man looks over at his wife and says:

There was a typical blond. She had long, blonde hair, blue eyes, and she was sick of all the blonde

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day,

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, Interviews, and testing

In a small cathedral a janitor was cleaning the pews between services when he was approached by the

The passenger tapped the cab driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed, lost

An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While in China, he is very sexually promiscuous and

President George W. Bush is visiting an elementary school today and he visits one of the 4th

"What's the difference between a nail, a screw and a bolt?" the woodwork teacher asked Judi, the

A man walks into a bar and orders a 12-year-old scotch. The bartender, believing that the customer

A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes

An engineer dies and reports to hell. Pretty soon, the engineer getsdissatisfied with the level

A blonde, brunette, and a red head were all in a race swimming breastroke accross the english

A man was called in for an audit by the IRS. So he asked his accountant for advice on what to wear.

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied.

A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,HONEY, COULD YOU FIX

A philosopher went into a closet for ten years to contemplate the question, What is life? When he came

An Irishman who had a little to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car

A man woke up every morning and passed gas. After about eight or nine years of marriage, his wife finally

A man tells a doctor, "I think my wife's going deaf. What can I do?" The doctor says, "Well, try

A fellow stopped at a rural gas station and after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft

A chemistry instructor wanted to teach his ninth grade class about the evils of liquor, so he created

A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years. On this visit

At Cambridge University during an examination one day a bright young student popped up and asked the

A young punk gets on the cross town bus and sits down in the only vacant seat, directly across from

The widow takes a look at her dear departed one night before the funeral and, to her horror, finds

A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine-year-old son

Three sisters decided to get married on the same day to save their parents the expense of separate

There was a party that many rich people attended. The host had recently built a tank with many alligators,

On preparing to return home from an out of town trip, a man got a small puppy as a present for his

By the time John pulled into the little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room

An old sailor was out walking on the dock one day when he met a former ship mate of his. They had not

A bear is sitting in the middle of a forest taking the biggest shit of his life and feeling dam good

A Scotsman was out having a very good time on Saturday night sampling the local product and on the

A drill sergeant was known to be brusque with his men. His lieutenant warned him to try to be more

Two deputies in the Sheriff's Office, one who had been in town for ten years and the other who had

A blind man and his guide dog enter a bar and find their way to a barstool. After ordering a drink

A state trooper pulls a car over on a lonely back road and approaches the blonde lady driver. "Ma'am,

Three prospective church goers attend a meeting with the clergy of a local church and ask to become

John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about

In the old Wild West, a Eastern newspaper correspondent had just arrived in a new Western town when

A man died in a horrible fire. The mortician thought it was George, but the body was so badly burned

A blonde is driving down the road. She notices that she is low on gas, so she stops at the gas station.

A lawyer, laying on his deathbed in his bedroom, called to his wife and told her to run and get the

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day,

A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain. "Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor. "You

A man has a heart attack and is brought to the hospital ER. The doctor tells him that he will not live

The teacher asked little Johnny, "What's two and two?". He counted 1-2-3-4 on his fingers and said,

A father and son went fishing one day. While they were out on the water, the boy suddenly became curious

A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, bee-lines for a butcher shop and steals a roast. The butcher

A guy went to his doctor full of anger. "Doc," he said, "I feel like killing my wife. You've got to

There was a preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance that he could get, he could be found on the

Two assassins are hired to kill a dictator in South America. They follow his every move for months,

A henpecked husband was advised by a psychiatrist to assert himself. "You don't have to let your wife

A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength.

A woman wanted a pet so she went to the local pet shop. She looked at the dogs and the cats but finally

A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to walk

A lady is having a bad day at the tables in Vegas. Down to her last $100, completely exasperated, she

An elderly couple, still very loving after all these years, is shocked when the woman's doctor says

A gorilla escapes from the zoo and after 3 weeks, the zoo keepers give up looking for him. Some time

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes

During her annual checkup, the well-constructed miss was asked to disrobe and climb onto the examining

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The

Three guys that all worked bulding high rise buildings sat down to lunch one day. The first one opens

A man and his wife check into a hotel. The husband wants to have a drink at the bar, but his wife is

A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for the local butcher shop and steals a roast off

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail, and he tripped over a large snake and fell,

A few days after Christmas, a mother working in the kitchen, was listening to her son play with his

At a restaurant, one of the customers noticed that all of the waiters had two spoons in their vest

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. By mistake, St.Peter directs him to go below. So,

A football coach of an all Redneck team walked into the locker room before a game, looked over to his

A young wife, her boorish husband and a young good looking sailor were shipwrecked on an island. One

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing.

Back in the old Wild West, there were two blond cowpokes, Jeff and Dave. One day, the two were enjoying

On this morning a woman and her baby were taking a bus. As she entered the bus the driver says "Wow

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, and as they had not been dating

A Redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Austin to claim it where the man verifies

A priest and a nun are on their way back home from a trip when their car breaks down. They are unable

A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while

A ten-year-old boy was failing math. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis, but to no

A captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed

A guy is stranded on an island with only a Doberman and a pig for company. There's plenty of food

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for all the major status figures in Rome, Italy.

The cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the theater. When the usher came by and noticed

There were two evil brothers. They were rich, and used their money to keep their ways from the public

A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he wants to buy a pet that can do everything. The

Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde jokes that she had her hair cut and dyed

A man and wife attended church one evening, and the wife decided that it was time to stop her husband

David received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse

There were three men playing a round of golf, Moses, Jesus, and an old man. They get to the 18th

A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice. "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more

A dentist was getting ready to clean an elderly lady's teeth. He noticed that she was a little nervous,

Merv was in a terrible accident at work. He fell through a floor tile and ripped off both of his ears.

A man walked into a therapists office looking very depressed, "Doc, you've got to help me. I can't

Costello: Hey, Abbott! Abbot: Yes, Lou? Costello: I just got my first computer. Abbot: