second

A man was ordered by his doctor to lose 75 lbs. due to very serious health risks. As he wondered how

The new hooker just finished her first trick. When she came back down to the street , the seasoned veterans

Two children were sitting outside a clinic. One of them was crying very loudly.2nd Child: Why are you

A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions

A very sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her vaginal lips reduced in size

In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.In the second year, the woman speaks

An 80 year old man is having his annual checkup at his doctor's office. He says to the doctor, "I've

3 Men are walking through the jungle when they are captured by native tribesman. The tribesman take the

An Arab has spent many days crossing the desert without finding a source of water. It gets so bad that

A very 'straight and honest' girl is going to Town. Before she left, her mother gave her some advice:

Michael Jordan made over $300,000 a game. That equals $10,000 a minute, at an average of 30 minutes per

mom: "wake up son, it's time for you to go to school."son: "but mom, i don't wanna go to school."mom:

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats

Four friends reunited at a party after 30 years. After a few laughs and drinks, one of them had to go

Mr Samy Vellu attends a UN meeting on space exploration by 2008. He is representing the Malaysian Prime

A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him. As he sits down, the bartender comes over and

Three guys died and went to heaven. St Paul was there looking down at the three of them, one is a reknowned

A man is out in the Chinese wilderness and he's hopelessly lost. It's been nearly three weeks since he's

Three vampires were on a tree, each bragging about being the best vampire of the three. All of the sudden,

Little Johnny watched the science teacher start the experiment with the worms.Four worms were placed

First-year students at a Medical School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human

A blonde dials 911 to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass

How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.The most effective

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners

This couple goes to an agricultural show way out in the countryside a fine Sunday afternoon, & are watching

An Arab has spent many days crossing the desert without finding a source of water. It gets so bad that

A man with a bad stomach complaint goes to his local doctor and asks him what he can do. The doctor replies

One day, after striking gold in Alaska, a Lonesome miner came down from the mountains and walked into

Three men stand before St. Peter awaiting admission into Heaven. However, St. Peter has been informed

There were these three guys. They had been walking for 3 days and were very tired. They found a hotel,

A Chinese man arranged for a hooker to come to his room for the evening. Once in the room they undressed,

One morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when she notices a strange little man at the bottom

Superman is flying around one day and he's feeling kinda horny. So he finds Batman sitting on top of

Sometime after Sidney died, his widow, Tillie, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and

This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities

A guy was setting up like a bank account or something like that, and he was being taken care of by a

RelationshipsWhen a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and

Three co-workers are bored during their lunch break, so they decide to go to the roof of their building

A Blonde goes to a barber and asks for a haircut.

A Doctor was addressing a large audience: "The

George W. was out jogging one morning along the

A big-city California lawyer went duck hunting

There were three priests in a railroad station,

A teacher asks her class, ââ,¬Å"If there

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After

Saddam Hussein and President George W. Bush meet

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all

A tourist is picked up by a cabbie in New York

Two guys are picked up by cops for drugs and are

Two sperm are swimming in a women's body.One sperm

Three boys were sitting on some steps watching

Yo mama so poor, when I asked her to use the bathroom,

Two blondes meet in Heaven. "How did you die?",

Three men are on a plane. The first one throws

A tribal leader finds that his wife has had a white

Two men are sitting around drinking. One guys says

Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front

A young man goes out and buys the best car on the

George W. Bush was out jogging one morning when

Two bats are going for their midnight feed. After

One day in the middle of the desert a man's car

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop. Right away they

Three men had been stuck on an island for ten years. Just

Yo mama's had more pricks than a second-hand dartboard!

After Great Britain's Beer Festival, all the brewery

A little boy and a little girl were taking a bath.

A brunette, a red-head and a blonde were in jail

Three blondes died and found themselves standing

How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb? ââ,¬Å"Such

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

Ignoring the fact that George Bush declined Saddam

A secretary for a foreign embassy was entertaining

Three engineers were in the bathroom standing at

Bush and Osama decided to settle the war once and

There was a competition to cross the English channel

There are three nuns in a sanctuary who are about

The American Dairy Association was so successful

There are these 3 vampires. The first vampire walks

1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all

A stoner stumbles out of a party, and starts to

Two hobbits walk into a bar where one of them picks

But everybody looks funny naked! You woke me

A man is sitting in a pub, when a guy with an incredibly

Three couples went to see a minister to find out

Three Americans were up against a very large Russian

Years of straining with poopie-ing, we can only

This guy walks into a bar near a concert hall with

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he

1. Hijack wheelchairs and speed around the hallways.

A jumbo-sized freshman went to try out for the

486: The average IQ needed to understand a PC.

Three women are discussing their teenage daughters.

"It was too bad I wasn't a second baseman; then

Two delicate blossoms of Southern femininity, one

A blonde buys two horses and she can't tell them

NASA sends a space shuttle up with two pigs and

I. Know that although the cat has the advantage

Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar.

During the Super Bowl, there was another football

Three cowboys were hanging out in a bar, discussing

Three old men were talking about how much their

Juan Valdez names his mule after you. You chew

Three couples went in to see the minister about

A drunk had been at a pub all night. At last call,

Four Catholic ladies were having coffee one afternoon.

There was this nouveau riche blond girl, who went

The bell-ringer for the church had just passed

A man walks into a bar and orders three beers.

Two twin brother, virgin midgets decide to get

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the

Three explorers were hiking through a vast forest

There were these three bees trapped in a hive.

Two women, one from the north and one from the

Three guys begin work at a toothbrush company as

A man went over to his girl's place for a little

The finals of the National Poetry Contest last

Why did the one-handed man cross the road? To

Three clergymen were sitting in a boat, fishing.

One day three men were walking along and came upon

There were these two fleas in a bar. The first

Three Americans were up against a very large Russian

A blonde dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates,

One day three dwarfs went walking and saw a sign

On a rainy night, three guys were driving through

Two guys are committing a robbery. One of them

The Li'l Rascals are sitting in class and the teacher

Three nuns were taking a walk one day. ''I was

There are three men in the bathroom, two Englishmen

A Welshman, an Englishman and a Irishman were being

A traveling salesman checked into a futuristic

Q: What is the difference between a boat and a

A man strolls into a pharmacy and asks the assistant

There were three dogs at a veternarian's office,

There was a nintey-year-old lady who was still

Two old friends, who hadn't seen each other in

Three nuns decided to quit so they went to the

A farmer rears 25 young hens and one old cock.

A man dies and goes to Hell. The devil greets him. "You

1.Stick your palm open under the stall wall and

There were three NASCAR fans on their way to a

Three couples went to a resturant. The women wanted

Q: My fiancee still has feelings for his old girlfriends.

Two guys are playing golf. The first guy says,

A small north Florida wild animal park had acquired

A zookeeper approaches three boys standing near

A frog leaps out of the magical forest where he

One day there was a woman who was about to have

Once there was a guy that went in a whorehouse

There were three pregnant women sitting together.

How To Shower Like A Woman... * Take off clothing

There are three whores sitting in a bar. The

Three men were in a NASA conference room to decide

Two gay men are walking down the street trying

Why does it take longer to run from second base

An old farmer decided it was time to get a new

A scientist gets on a train to go to New York.

A lady walks into the local record store. "Do

This guy dies and goes to heaven. When he gets

One day a government worker was digging through

Maria gets married and has 17 children. Then her

One day Adam's teacher told the class that everyone

[NOTE: This joke must be told out loud to someone

A man was in a bad accident and was injured. But

Little Tommy went into his parent's bedroom one

Three rednecks are talking about how stupid their

Two doctors are in the hallway complaining about

One day a man goes into a hotel and asks for a

Three drifters are roaming the countryside for

The ringmaster of a traveling circus was looking

It is a normal drill day at the Marine base in

One fall day Bill was out raking leaves when he

A man went to England on a trip and met a woman

Three rabbits escape from a testing lab and find

There were three dogs at a vet's office. The

Two guys are drinking in a bar. Soon, a gorgeous

What if Data Ran Windows98? WORF: Captain, there

A lady shows up at her doctor's appointment. The

There were these two bums and they were hungry

One day, three boys were walking over a bridge

There are three types of sex in a marriage. The

One day this guy was sitting at this bar in Chicago

There were these two guys working late in a morgue,

A man dies and goes to Hell. The devil offers to

Two brothers, Bob and Tom, both work for a lumberyard.

Once upon a time there were two men. One of them

A certain zoo had acquired a very rare species

One day a woman, pregnant with triplets, was walking

Father Murphy was a very poor priest in a very

Two old ladies were standing on a street corner

A man who was having heart trouble went to the

Three guys die and end up at the gates of heaven,

A road consturction manager needed to hire someone

There was a guy on the beach with about 25 gorgeous

Two southern ladies are sitting at the country

Three guys were in a bar and they heard a woman

You might be a redneck if it takes two twinkies,

Two guys die in a car accident and an angel descends

A man walks into a bar with three little ducks

A guy decides it's time he got married. He gives

Three men want to marry the king's most beautiful

Two lesbians walk into a whorehouse and ask for

3 bums were outside a bar.The first one went in

Three girls asked their mother if they could invite

Three men were sitting in a bar one day. they were

One night two drunks were wandering the town trying

A man wakes up to find his dog, dead, lying next

A man asked God how much a million dollars was

Three women were at the doctor's office for the

Three vampires walked into a bar. The first one

Three men were walking down a street and found

Three little old ladies were sitting on a park

A king wanted to improve the mood of his favorite

Two guys are at their house. They decide to play

Once there was a farmer. He had two teenage sons.

On a senior citizens bus tour, while the passengers

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but

One day three old ladies were sitting on a park

Many women are afraid of their first mammogram,

Three friends die and go to heaven. The first guy

Three penises were talking to each other and the

Three couples want to join a church, but the pastor

Three gay men died, and were cremated. Their lovers

St. Peter was standing outside the gates of heaven

There was this little boy who had no name. One

When women see a ''caution'' sign, they carefully

This lady goes to a vet and learns that that if

One day Gary Condit's wife died and went to heaven,

Jan.10 5:00 P.M. It's starting to snow. The

It was flooding in California. As the flood waters

A mother had three daughters and at their weddings

A blonde came home from school one day and said

There were three guys who where rowing a canoe

One day, a man walks into a bar with an ostrich

A women is getting married for her fourth time

Three blondes were taking a walk in the country

Tell me everything you know...I have a few seconds

Three idiots decide to go hunting. The first one

Two guys were sitting at a bar on the 40th floor

How many lawyers does it take to change a light

A teacher was teaching her second grade class about

One day four nuns are called to the priests chambers.

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are on the

Patient has two teenage children, but no other

A woman calls a clinic and says she hasn't been

Aliens from Somewhere-Out-There just landed on

Two guys were walking their dogs and came across

Hillary Clinton died and went to Heaven. St. Peter

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that. 2.

Once there was this man whose car broke down.

Three bears came out of hibernation and they were

A lady ran into the lobby at a golf course. ''I've

But everybody looks funny naked! You woke me

Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough

Five pigs were standing outside a bar. The first

Two bored casino dealers were waiting at the craps

There were three men who got stranded on an island.

* The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, ''What's

There were two muffins sitting in an oven. The

While cruising at 40,000 feet, the airplane shuddered

A fellow was ordered to lose 75 pounds, due to

Three men are at the FBI Building for a job interview.

A mystery-lover takes his place in the theater

Once upon a time, Three Little Pigs walk into a

Two guys are hitting the links at their local golf

Q: Where do you go when your hand falls off?

Three little boys were sitting around talking about

Why do women like making love to Greg Norman, the

A blonde, brunette and a redhead had a breaststroke

Two guys both have 9 a.m. appointments at a vasectomy

A beautiful middle aged woman finally decided to

1) You try to enter your password on the microwave.

Two guys meet in heaven, and are chatting about

There was a man who was drivivng down the road

There were two blondes as roommates and they both

Three blondes were witnesses to a crime, so they

Two women are digging in the garden. One pulls

One day, two drunks were stumbling around in the

Three men sat at a bar discussing the Christmas

In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop a beautiful

Five surgeons were taking a coffee break and

Once upon a time there were three men lost in a

Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital

There were three strings that walked into the bar.

Three nuns die, but they all have to answer one

One night, three guys are at a bar talking and

Bob, a lawyer, was driving home over the Golden

Three Englishmen were getting soused in a pub,

Q. What is the definition of disgusting? A.

One day there were three boys walking down the

There were these 3 criminals who had just robbed

A cowboy was riding through an old abandoned canyon

NASA decided to send a shuttle into space with

These three guys got together one day and were

Two nuns are riding a bike down a road and the

Two guys are in mental instituition. One guy

Three women were sitting around talking about their

Forrest Gump dies and goes to heaven. The gatekeeper

"I hope I'm not poisonous," said the first snake. "Why?"

These three guys are out having a relaxing day

Every day two blonde women would come out of work

There are approximately two billion children (persons

Ghost Poopie- The kind where you feel the poopie

Three blonde friends were walking home from a party

These two boys were talking about their sex lives

Once there were three bats. They lived in a cave

A guy was walking down the road, to a city about

A gorilla walks into a bar. The bartender comes

One day, three flies were sitting in a garbage

There were three men standing at the Pearly Gates

Three lawyers died and went to hell. Satan told

A woman went camping and while she was out she

A young priest was visting a convent. One day he

The phone rang at the motor pool and an authoritative

Transcript of the actual radio conversation of

A farmer walked into a bar with a horse. He said,

Three mice are sitting in a bar. The first one

There were three extremely poor men. They were

Why did the one-handed man cross the road?

Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out

A teacher decides that she is going to teach her

Two blondes are driving down the freeway chugging

There was a man once that was always talking about

* If the enemy is in range, so are you Incoming

There's this fellow with a parrot. And the parrot

Three men went into a stripper bar and this stripper

This guy is suffering from extereme abdominal pain

An atomic bomb went off in Washington and everyone

This guy went into a bar and ordered a beer. He

A Rolls Royce pulls up in front of a really expensive

A haggard old lady is riding in a posh hotel's

Three men walk into a bar and the barman says,

One morning, a man approached the first tee, only

1) Spend all day at a fast food restaurant, seeing

Did you hear the new penalty for speeding in Illinois?

10) Pretend you don't speak English. 9) Say

Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit lived in the same forest,

A guy admired the hair of three girls. He walked

A farmer had 3 beautiful daughters who were getting

Lesson number one: A crow was sitting on a tree,

Five men and one woman wash up on a desert island

A man with no legs is lying on the beach, when

A father has three daughters that are all getting

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all enter a

It's the first day of school, and the teacher announces

A teacher asks her class, "If there are five birds

This lady is throwing a party where each guest

Two guys get busted for smoking dope, so they have

Three men heard rumors of a mountaintop where God

Three vampires walk into a bar. The first one says,

    There is a man who has three girlfriends,

A man in a bar has a couple of beers, and the bartender

    Three blokes enter a disabled

Three guys are sitting in a bar when the first

1) Chest Trays 2) NFRU (Not for Recreational

A new guy in town walks into a bar and notices

A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned

As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I can get

It was mailman George's last day on the job after

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology

Two engineering students were walking across campus

Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting

These two guys meet after not having seen each

There were three old ladies sitting on a park bench

At a pharmacy, a blonde asked to use the infant

Tiger Woods     A couple were on

Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically

Joe was moderately successful in his career, but

An old man from a far off land was once on the

Maria is a devout Catholic. She gets married and

A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog,

Three couples were married and stayed at the same

A young couple were married and they were having

Two cowboys are leanin' up against the rail at

    A few months ago, there was

Two Texans were having the blue plate special at

Ã, Ã, Ã,  Two young guys were picked up

There were three babies in a woman's womb, and

Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group discussing

Four surgeons were sitting around discussing

    Four old Catholic women are

Steve was in a terrible accident at work. However,

But Doctor, You HAVE To! In Turkey, Mehmet Esirgen, 52,

A man gets to his seat on the plane, and is surprised

A little old lady was sitting on her front porch

Three friends die in a car accident and they

BETTER HOLD ON TO THOSE PANTIES...THEY COULD COME

Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher

Two men drove to a gas station for a fill-up

About ten recruits are making their first parachute

A secretary for a foreign embassy was entertaining

A woman announces to her friend that she is getting

    Three nuns were talking. "I

-It is always possible to park directly outside

Two guys were hiking in the mountains when they

A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for

Three guys are convicted of a very serious crime,

$ Michael Jordan having "retired,"

    Two explorers are flying over

Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died yesterday

Remember the book "Men are from Mars, Women are

    'Twas the night before Christmas

Three nuns die and go to heaven where they are

1. In the company of females, intercourse

A judge was punishing three men because they had

Saddam Hussein and George W. Bush meet up in Baghdad

Three couples went in to see the minister to see

No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize

    The Reverend John Fuzz was pastor

Three guys died and when they got to the pearly

Some of the finest quotes from the Honorable Marion

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch,

    Dear Son,    

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED: 1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats. 2)

Dress Code: 1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary. 2) If we see

A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack! "Help

Next time you have a bad day at work...think of this guy: Rob is a commercial saturation diver for

The George W Bush Presidential Lie-berry is now in the planning stages. You'll want to be the first

Joan, who was a rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on

Two bees met in a field. One said to the other, "How are things going?" "Really bad," said the second

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Wairarapa. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell

Two old guys were sitting in the park, talking, when the subject turned to getting older. The first

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough

Closer Than You Think! An unemployed man goes to apply for a job with Microsoft as a janitor. The

A man was walking into the hospital for a routine examination the other day. Just as he reached the

Tom did like he always does, kissing his wife, crawling into bed and falling to sleep. All of a sudden,

A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor,

After hearing a couple's complaints that their intimate life wasn't what it used to be, the sex counselor

At a recent convention of biological scientists, one researcher remarked to another, "Did you know

A new manager spends a week at his new office with the manager he is replacing. On the last day

A hunter was rushed into the emergency room with a bear trap clamped onto his testicles. As the horrified

A man and a woman, who have never met before, but are both married to other people, found themselves

One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates,

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new

A highway patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and

Four college friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to go up to Dallas

A young boy goes to the zoo with his father. As they are passing the elephant exhibit the youngster

Customer: Hi. How much is your paint? Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things. Customer:

I believe in having sex on the first date. At my age, there may not be a second date. Senior Campbell's

This husband and wife were playing on the ninth green when she collapsed from a heart attack. "Please

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the

In the past, employees were permitted to make trips to the restroom under informal guidelines. Effective

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." Winston Churchill "A modest

Dress Code: 1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary. 2) If we see

A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO It is also the most

Three salesmen were bragging who is the best. The first said, that he is so good he sold a color

A priest and a rabbi are walking down the street together, and they both want a drink, but they have

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender can't help but stare at the

A couple of rednecks went on vacation in Colorado. They flew to Denver and rented a car to sight see.

A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls. They

A Japanese company ( Toyota ) and an American company (General Motors decided to have a canoe race

TWO DUCK HUNTERS FROM WISCONSIN: ABSOLUTELY A TRUE STORY HEARD ON A WISCONSIN RADIO STATION REPORTING

Last week my tie caught on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with an ax! I met the surgeon general.

A cowboy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar. But decides, what the heck,"

Three women were sitting around talking about their sex lives. The first said, "I think my husband's

A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank

1. You must first learn to pronounce the city name, it is L. A. 2. The morning rush hour is from

On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules: "The

A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated

Eddie was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed. She told him "Tomorrow

This is a true account recorded in the incident log of Jasper Cty, SC Sheriff's Office. An elderly

A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if

Two guys and a union worker were fishing on a lake one day, when Jesus walked across the water and

On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons. Early one morning, the woman

Dick Cheney and George W. Bush were having breakfast at the White House. The attractive waitress asks

A woman married three times walked into a bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk that she was

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders.

A couple arrived at town hall seconds before closing time, and caught a judge just as he was about

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by kids) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff.

The Reverend John Fuzz was a pastor of a small congregation in a little Pennsylvania town. One day, walking

Two nicely dressed ladies happen to start up a conversation during an endless wait in the LAX airport.

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room. The

There were two old men sitting on a park bench passing the day away talking. One old man asked the

Three men died in a car accident and met Jesus himself at the Pearly Gates. The Lord spoke unto

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program. The next day, there's a knock

REVISED HIGH SCHOOL MATH PROFICIENCY EXAM FOR SO. CAL. NAME______________________________ GANG

Three men die and meet Peter at the pearly gates. "In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter

Three elderly men are at the doctor's office for a memory test. The doctor asks the first man, "What

A group of Kentucky second, third, and fourth graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on

A contestant on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire" had reached the final plateau. If she answered the

Pretty soon, I won't be able to do anything except sit in my chair and read! I must send my thanks

"An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they

You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track. Logic is a systematic method

DINING OUT 1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly

Here's a prime example of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus" offered by an English professor

At a college with a shady reputation, the new dean responded to investigations into the basketball

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon. Four worms

There were three little boys visiting their grandparents. The oldest came out and asked his grandpa,

Bubba decided it was time to purchase a new saw to help clear his heavily timbered property. A salesman

Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help

These three men went into business together and the first one said: "I put up sixty-five percent

1. A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired. 2. What's the definition of a will? (It's

On the first day, God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats

Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring another bull onto the ranch,

Subject: PRESIDENTIAL LIBRARY DESTROYED BY FLOOD ... GEORGE W. BUSH PRESIDENTIAL LIBRARY DESTROYED

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be Able to get to the top of that tree," sighed

Bush and Osama decided to settle the war once and for all. They sat down and decided to settle the

George W. was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing

A young fellow at the state fair stood watching an old Indian. Above the old Indian was a sign that

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party. After several drinks, one

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead show up for the same job interview. The brunette is the first

Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large raging violent river. Needing to

Customer: Hi. How much is your paint? Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things. Customer:

Two Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods. All of a sudden one of the Indians ran

An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will. She told her rabbi she had two final requests.

Two fellows from Alabama were sitting around talking one afternoon. After a while the first fellow

1. The patient refused autopsy. 2. The patient has no previous history of suicides. 3. Patient

A man standing in line at a check out counter of a grocery store was very surprised when a very

The Law of Volunteering" If you dance with a grizzly bear, you had better let him lead. "The Law

Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton and Al Gore were in an airplane that crashed. They're up in heaven, and

The couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted

A redhead, a brunette and a blonde were lunching together, discussing what they thought the worlds

* Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong. * Keep skunks and bankers and

Two deaf men were talking on their coffee break about being out late the night before. The first

It is with the saddest heart that I have to pass on the following news about a great American icon.. Veteran

Commandment 1. Marriages are made in heaven. But so again are thunder and lightning. Commandment

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. As he sits, the waitress comes

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds

Differential Theory of US Armed Forces (Snake Model) upon encountering a snake in the Area of Operations

This was developed as an age test by an R&D department at Harvard University. Take your time and

My other car is a bomb This vehicle makes wide right turns into buildings Allah is my co-pilot My

A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of alcohol, so

Two guys were walking in the woods one day, and they all of a sudden came across a bear. The bear noticed

A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the

This is a true story.. An elderly Florida lady did her shopping, and upon returning to her car,

Dr. Phil was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You

Two Middle East mothers are sitting in the cafe strip chatting over a pint of goat's milk. The older

A hillbilly went hunting one day in Oklahoma and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his

Three blondes died and found themselves standing before St. Peter. He told them that before they could

You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were

A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused

*Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal. *I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. *WANTED:

I. There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa

Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered. Some

She married and had 11 children. Her husband died. She married again and had 7 more children. Again,

Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, and Al Gore were in an airplane that crashed. They're up in heaven,

A city slicker, named Tommy, was on vacation in Texas. His hosts, being very hospitable, invited him

Three old Italian spinsters die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program. The next day, there's a

The finals of the National Youth Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. One was a student

This is how today's media would have reported the Normandy invasion to free those living under German

Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide. The first guy says to the second

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. "In honor of

A teacher asks her class, ''If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how

It is with the saddest heart that I have to pass on the following news about a great American icon.. Veteran

A farmer has three sons. One day, his oldest boy comes to him and pleads with him that he is graduating

Who says cops don't have a sense of humor? The following were taken off of actual police car videos

Two guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge. The

A woman was on the witness stand, accused of poisoning her husband. "After you put poison in the

1. Never take a beer to a job interview. 2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting

The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death

Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "I'd like

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender hands him the beer and says,

Essential NEW WORDS FOR 2004 editions for the work-place vocabulary: BLAMESTORMING Sitting around

Three priests were in a train station on their way home to Pittsburgh. Behind the ticket counter

Little Johnny watched the science teacher start the experiment with the worms. Four worms were

Warning on a bottle of drain cleaner: "If you do not understand, or cannot read, all directions,

After a round of golf, four ladies sat around the club house, chatting. Seeing the ladies, the Pro

It's time once again to consider the candidates for the annual Stella Awards. The Stella's are named

The day finally arrived; Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St.

George Bush goes to a primary [elementary] school to talk about the war. After his talk, he opens

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. Gardening

Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each

Two robins were sitting in a tree. "I'm really hungry," said the first one. "Let's fly down and

Scenario: You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a

A dedicated shop steward was at a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels.

Cinderella is now 95 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits

We are sick and tired of hearing about how dumb people in the South are. We challenge any so-called

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "10 lamb

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how

"Aim towards the Enemy." - Instruction printed on U.S. Rocket Launcher "When the pin is pulled,

The Doctor said: "The good news is I can cure your headaches...The bad news is that it will require

John Madden was in Dallas to announce a football game one weekend when he noticed a special telephone

An office manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through

One day, after striking gold in Alaska, a lonesome miner came down from the mountains and walked into

Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two prostitutes and take them to their separate hotel

A man had a ticket for the theater but when he was seated by the usher, he found that he was just

Proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night the drunk led the way

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats are. The first man was an Engineer, the second

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary in London, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner

A Policeman was drilling 3 blondes, who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in

What do you expect from such simple creatures!? Their last name stays put. The garage is all

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back and

After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for a younger woman. The house was in his name

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped

God looked at earth and wanted to know what kind of behaviour that was going on. He decided to send

DRESS CODE It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you

Maria, an Italian woman was extrememly religious. When she was married, she refused to use protection because

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his

Two elderly gentlemen, who had been without sex for several years, decided they needed to visit a

Two deaf men were talking on their coffee break about being out late the night before. The first

One day God and Adam were walking the garden. God told Adam that it was time to populate the Earth.

Jose is 17 years old and lives in Mexico. All his life he has wanted to see an American baseball game.

A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse. The horse's trainer meets him

The chief of staff of the US Army decided that he would personally intervene in the recruiting crisis

Two old pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane by going back to the place where they first

The Reverend John Fuzz was a pastor of a small congregation in a little Pennsylvania town. One day,

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look

Boudreaux went into the fish market to apply for a job. The boss thought to himself - I'm not hiring

Two women get on an elevator. The first woman reeks of perfume and the second says, "What's that

At a convention of biological scientists, one researcher remarks to another, "Did you know that in

A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His camel dies of thirst. He's crawling

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on. The first surgeon says,

This guy walks into a quiet bar. He is carrying three ducks, one in each hand and one under his left

A group of girlfriends are on vacation, when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads, "For

These three men went into business together and the first one said: "I put up sixty-five percent

So I went to the store the other day, I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out

A man was feeling very depressed and walked into a bar and ordered a triple scotch whiskey. As the

After dying in a car crash, three friends go to Heaven for orientation. They are all asked the same

A blonde was standing on the river bank looking confused when she spotted another blonde across the

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls

Three doctors were driving together to the hospital when they had an accident and all three died.

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm.

Bob, a lawyer, was driving home over the Golden Gate Bridge after spending a great day on the ocean

Sometime after Sidney died, his widow, Tillie, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and

Tom, Dick and Harry were in the pub, a week before Xmas, enjoying a few quiet drinks, when they decided

Two 80 year old men sat talking over the weather and the latest in medical science, and such, when

A beautiful young girl is about to undergo a minor operation. She's laid on a hospital trolley bed

A blonde phoned police to report that thieves had been in her car. "They've stolen the dashboard,

A lady is golfing with some friends. After sinking her first putt, she's on her way down the path

A young fellow at the state fair stood watching an old Indian. Above the old Indian was a sign that

A lady was standing on a street corner waiting for a bus when she happened to notice a weight machine.

These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to go up to Dallas

DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You

Three Pastors were having lunch together at a diner. The first Pastor said, "Ya know, since summer

A cowboy walks into a bar in Texas, orders three mugs of beer and sits in the back room, drinking

Three blondes died and are at the gates of heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates

A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a 1999 Ferrari GTO. It is also most expensive

This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation between a US naval ship and Canadian authorities

Two rednecks met in a bar and decided that they weren't going anywhere in life so thought they should

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing. One lady turns and asks, "Do

One day, after striking gold in Alaska, a lonesome miner came down from the mountains and walked into

A blonde who's down on her luck is walking through a luxurious neighbourhood looking for odd jobs to

Two guys are out hiking. All of a sudden, a bear starts chasing them. They climb a tree, but

A Truck Driver was driving down the highway when he saw a priest at the side of the Road. He stopped

There was a typical blond. She had long, blonde hair, blue eyes, and she was sick of all the blonde

Dude walks into a pharmacy laughing hysterically, orders 2 condoms, still laughing, pays the pharmacist

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day,

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, Interviews, and testing

Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Jenny. "She's incredibly dumb.

The passenger tapped the cab driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed, lost

An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While in China, he is very sexually promiscuous and

Four married men were golfing. While at the fourth hole, the first man said, "you have no idea what

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in South Louisiana. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into

A guy goes over to his friends house, rings the bell. The wife answers the door. "Hi, is Tony

Three women sitting in a bar having a drink. Their boyfriends are all named Georgie. One day they decide

There is an opening for a secretarial position. The man conducting the interviews asks each candidate

Three men were trekking through the desert and came across a magician. The magician was standing at

Four catholic ladies were having coffee...The first catholic woman tells her friends "My son is a priest.

St Peter is standing at heaven's gate when a man walks up. "Welcome to heaven my son. What did you

A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills

A chemistry instructor wanted to teach his ninth grade class about the evils of liquor, so he created

A very good looking man walks into a singles bar, gets a drink and has a seat. During the course of

Three elderly men are at the doctor for a memory test. The doctor says to the first man, "What is three

A traveling salesman checked into a futuristic motel. Realizing he needed a haircut before his next

It was a sunny Saturday morning on the course and I was beginning my pre-shot routine, visualizing

Prince Charles finds an ancient wine bottle in the cellar of Windsor Castle. When he opens it a genie

Three sisters decided to get married on the same day to save their parents the expense of separate

There were two men trying to decide what to do for a living. They went to see a counsellor, and he

Two rednecks were given a special SAT test to meet their admission requirements to the Military Academy.

A man was walking through a forest pondering life. He walked, pondered, walked, and pondered. He felt

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices

Three men are sitting naked in the sauna. Suddenly there is a beeping sound. The first man presses

Three prospective church goers attend a meeting with the clergy of a local church and ask to become

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of

Some not too smart gangsters decide to rob a bank. After several days of planning they agree on the

There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. The brunette looked

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day,

Two Martians land in the middle of the night in a closed gas station. They get out of their space ship.

Three nurses went to heaven, and were awaiting their turn with St. Peter to plead their case to enter

A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. "You aren't so good in bed either!"

An elderly lady finished her shopping and, upon return to the parking lot, found four men in her car.

Two confirmed bachelors were sitting and talking. Their conversation drifted from politics to cooking.

Two men arrive at the Pearly Gates at about the same time, both wanting to know if they will be admitted

There was a man who had three girlfriends, but he did not know which one to marry. So he decided to

A young man was delighted to finally be asked home to meet the parents. He was quite nervous about

One day God and Adam were walking in the garden. God told Adam it was time to populate the earth. He

A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to walk

Three business men were sitting in a bar, drinking and discussing how stupid their wives were. The

Two women that are dog owners are arguing about which dog is smarter.... First Woman : "My dog is

A man with a bad stomach complaint goes to his doctor and asks him what he can do. The doctor replies

Five doctors went duck hunting one day. Included in the group were a GP, a pediatrician, a psychiatrist,

A woman's husband was cheating on her. The woman and her husband got a divorce and the woman went on

Three guys that all worked bulding high rise buildings sat down to lunch one day. The first one opens

A blonde dials 911 to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains

Four surgeons were sitting around discussing who they like to operate on. The first surgeon said,

A young couple got married, and in their family, it was tradition that the best man dance with the

A blonde woman competed with a brunette woman and a redheaded woman in the Breast Stroke division of

Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about nurse Jenny. "She's incredibly dumb.

A guy goes over to his friend's house, rings the bell, and the wife answers. "Hi, is Tony home?"

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules. "The

A man and wife attended church one evening, and the wife decided that it was time to stop her husband

A middle-aged couple, with two beautiful daughters, An autopsy professor was giving an introductory

Three guys died and when St. Peter met them at the pearly gates, he said, "I know that you guys are

There were three friends Chris, John and Keith, who decided one sunny day to go for a walk in the

It was George the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all

Merv was in a terrible accident at work. He fell through a floor tile and ripped off both of his ears.

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating

Costello: Hey, Abbott! Abbot: Yes, Lou? Costello: I just got my first computer. Abbot: