Jokes
A computer walks into a bar
A computer walks into a bar and sits down to order a drink. The bartender looks over at him and says,
Dear Dad
A father, passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything
Opening an Account in the Bank
A man walks into a bank,yells at the old lady at the teller window, he needs to open a "fuckin bank account".
Diary of a Young Wife
Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new home. It's fun to cook for Tim. Today I made an angel
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay
The world's smartest man
In a small airplane there were four people: the pilot, the Pope, Bill Gates and a hitchhiker. They were
Drinking Politics
A man wearing a Democratic pin walks into a bar
Gourmet Reporter
A magazine reporter is traveling through a rainforest,
Shrooming
A mushroom walks into a bar and asks for a drink,
I want my MTV
A blonde walks into Best Buy looking for a television.
RANDOM AND CHEAP MARTHA STEWART JOKES
RANDOM AND CHEAP MARTHA STEWART JOKES What is
A ham sandwich walks into a bar...
A ham sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender
An airline's passenger cabin was being ...
An airline's passenger cabin was being served by
How many lawyers does it take to change a...
How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb? ââ,¬Å"Such
The Bible for Dummies
AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows. BULLETIN:
Celebrity Sandwiches
Angelina Jolie: Puckered squid in mammary sauce
Top Ten Perks Of Being Saddam Hussein's Stepson
10. For your birthday, you get the head of an infidel
Penis Requests a Raise
I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary
50 Ways To Say ââ,¬Å"I Love Youââ,¬Â
1. ââ,¬Å"If my heart were a baked potato,
Bottom 50 Celebrity Sandwiches
The Keith Richards: Smoked lungfish on a toasted
50 Ways To Annoy Osama bin Laden...
Fifty Ways To Annoy Osama bin Laden If You're Invited
Bush is a Puppet?
President George W. Bush was getting angry about
Signs You Picked the Wrong ISP
10. Their company logo: two tin cans and a length
What Men Want
More beer. More cheese. More sex. Vitamin fortified
Yogi Berra Quotes
"Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise
A Giants fan in Baltimore
A Giants fan is in Baltimore for the weekend and
Megastore, Megasale
The manager of a megastore came to check on his
Irish DUI
Late one Friday in Dublin, a policeman spotted
Human Race
As an outside observer, what do you think of the
Rules of the Southern Lifestyle
All good Southerners already know these, but in
Bubba Claus
A new contract for Santa has finally been negotiated.
What Men Need Most
A traveling salesman checked into a futuristic
Nerdz
This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load
Mushroom into Bar
A mushroom goes into a bar and sits down to order
Scientific Beer Study
Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested
Women & Alcohol
Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains
Stress Defined
Stress: The confusion created when one's mind
Condom Brands
Nike Condoms: Just do it. Mentos Condoms: The
Big Testicles
A tourist is in Spain, and goes to a fancy restaurant
Two Of Dem Dere Lesbians
Two lesbians walk into a whorehouse and ask for
How to be Obnoxious in Jr. High...
1) In the middle of class, run to the middle of
Punny Pun Pun
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but
Heavenly HMO
St. Peter was standing outside the gates of heaven
All I Want Is A Drink
A very thirsty guy realizes that he's just walked
In the Groove
A hippie saunters into an urban Bar & Grill and
Hooligan Hijinx
A big hulking hooligan walks into a bar, slams
All I Want Is a Beer!
A man was out of town on business. While sitting
Lawyers and Lightbulbs, Case #3
How many lawyers does it take to change a light
Handbags
The Englishman's, Irishman's and Scotsman's wives
Things You Don't Want to Hear in the Airport
10.) ''We have a lost child at gate D-4, the bidding
Religious Views of the World
Taoism: Shit happens. Confucianism: Confucious
Flower Flub-o-rama
I sent flowers to someone who was moving to Florida
The Bottom Line
A cowboy rides his horse up to a saloon. All the
Pasta & Pudendum
A guy walks into a restaurant and orders spaghetti.
12 Days of Christmas
Dearest John, I went to the door today and the
Blonde & Cruise
A blonde co-ed is looking at a bulletin board and
Viagra Coffee
This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up.
That's A Buncha Bull
A man was visiting Spain and passed by a restaurant
Three Strings Walk Into a Bar
There were three strings that walked into the bar.
A Drunk Nose
A nose walks into a bar and asks for a drink.
The History of Cinco de Mayo
Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's
Sandwich
A man walks into a bar with a sandwich on his shoulder.
Cheese Sandwich
Bloke walks into a pub with a cheese sandwich
I Nearly Pissed Myself
Bob is a regular guy out at a local bar One night
Yo Mama's Like McDonald's
Yo' mama's like McDonald's, over 90 billion served
The Old Lady and The Hookers
There was an old lady walking down the streets
Rules of Bedroom Golf
1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment
String Theory
A string walks into a bar with a few friends and
Got Any Grapes?
A ducks walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?" The
Running Around Blindly
A policeman directing traffic at a busy city intersection
Sh#!
Shit is a powerful word. Just think of all the
Signs That You're A Drunk
1. You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
Real Stories of the Non-Technical
I called a company and asked to speak to Bob.
Hospital Food
Bill was in the hospital for a complete check-up.
Pay the Price
A man walks into a bar and says, "Excuse me,
Wacky News of the World
But Doctor, You HAVE To! In Turkey, Mehmet Esirgen, 52,
Sexgate Poem
'Twas the night before crisis, And behind White
Dumb Crooks Roundup
BETTER HOLD ON TO THOSE PANTIES...THEY COULD COME
Bribe and Groom
During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached
Jesus and Satan are having a conversation...
Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument
Bark like a Dogma
A poor minister was having trouble managing his
Pillsbury Doughboy Obituary
Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died yesterday
Contraceptives '98
Microsoft's Latest Venture
Paul Revere Ain't No Bill Clinton
Listen my children, and you shall hear Of
Wacked-Out Restaurant
A waitress walks up to one of her tables in a New
Professor of Logic
A guy sees his new neighbor out in his backyard,
The 12 Days of Christmas
December 14, 1972 My dearest darling John:
Titanic - The True Story
There are many stories related to the sinking of the "Titanic." Some have just come to light due to
Why did the chicken cross the road?
BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a CHANGE! The chicken
Chemistry Class
A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor,
Titanic
There are many stories related to the sinking of the "Titanic." Some have just come to light due to
Don't Mess with Women....
The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, "You Can Be THE Man Of Your House." He
Cowboy in a Gay Bar
A cowboy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar. But decides, what the heck,"
Aspiring Vet
There was once an aspiring veterinarian who put himself through veterinary school working nights as
Age is Wisdom
A young boy had just gotten his driver's license and inquired of his father if they could discuss his
The Dying Priest
The old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years he had faithfully served the people of the nation's
Bush Bumper Stickers
01/20/09 - End of an Error That's OK, I Wasn't Using My Civil Liberties Anyway If You Want a
Bad Puns...no really!
Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder and made a spectacle of himself? Doctors
The Rules For Bedroom Golf
1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play - normally one club and two balls. 2. Play
Beer Research
Last month, National University of Lesotho scientists released the results of a recent analysis that
Your Abbreviated Guide to Proper YankeeTalk
If your unfortunate enough to have to visit Yankee Country - like Boston (pronounced BAH-stin), this
Bear Facts
A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of the University
The Rednecks Kitchen
Ok now, you and the lil missus is walkin home frum a good day of doin yur cumunity servis hours when
Blonde Cookbook
MONDAY: It's fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately.
McDonalds
A German tourist walks into a McDonald's in New York City and orders a beer. (In Germany and many
Mayonaise
Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact
Bill Maher's New Rules
New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people
Car or Haircut
A young boy had just gotten his driver's permit and enquired of his father, if they could discuss
Georgia State Trooper
A Georgia State Trooper pulled a car over on I-95 about 2 miles south of the Georgia/South Carolina
Southern Dialect
After having been served in a Las Vegas cocktail lounge, a real southern gentleman beckoned the waitress
Signs That Your Are An Internet Geek
10. When filling out your driver's license application you give your IP address. 9. You no longer
Thanksgiving
You might be a redneck if .... You've ever had Thanksgiving dinner on a Ping-Pong table. Thanksgiving
Application for a Night Out with the Boys
Name of Boyfriend/Fiancé/Husband: I request permission for a leave of absence from the highest
Actual Lines from Resumes
I am very detail-oreinted. My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability
Best Out of the Office Messages
1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared
Hilliary Clinton
Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton and Al Gore were in an airplane that crashed. They're up in heaven, and
Murder at The Safeway
Tired of being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decides to solve both problems
NCAA Facts
1. What does the average Iowa player get on his SAT's? Drool. 2. What do you get when you put 32
What It Means To Be Poor
One day a father of a very wealthy family took his son on a trip to the country with the firm purpose
The Experiment
A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of alcohol, so
Best for the Country
Hillary Clinton gets elected President and is spending her first night in the White House. She has
Dr. Phil and Obsessions
Dr. Phil was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You
The Letter
A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything
Supplemental Insurance
Bubba Joe's first military assignment was to a military induction center, and--because he was a good
Recent Medical Research Results
Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption,
Clinton's in Heaven
Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, and Al Gore were in an airplane that crashed. They're up in heaven,
What is your Southern Sign?
Some of us Southerners are pretty skeptical of horoscopes and the people that read them. If we are
Why Math Is Taught In Schools
I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck,
Job Ads Made Easy
What the Job Ad says & What it means: Advancement opportunity: Sh*t job Entry level Really
The Farmer's Kids
A farmer has three sons. One day, his oldest boy comes to him and pleads with him that he is graduating
Backyard Archaeology
The story behind the letter below is that there is this nutball in Newport, Rhode Island named Scott
The World's Thinnest Books
World's thinnest Books available at a bookstore near you. FRENCH WAR HEROES by Jacques Chirac HOW
The Bell
After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of
Adult Education
Male Seminars by Females 1. Combatting Stupidity 2. You, Too, Can Do Housework 3. PMS: Learn
Female Hormones
Recently scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their
Letter to a Nosey Mom
A mother enters her daughter's bedroom and sees a letter over the bed. With the worst premonition,
Computer Women
A .. HARD-DISK Woman: She remembers everything you say and do,FOREVER.!!! B... WINDOWS Woman:
Southern Horoscope
Some of us Southerners are pretty skeptical of horoscopes and the people that read them. If we are
Gay Bar
A guy walks into a bar ... once inside, he realizes it's a gay bar, but he decides, "What the heck,
Convert
A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan
Brain Cramps
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not live forever, because
Customer Service
A customer service award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being so clever
Things That It Took Me Over 30 Years To Learn
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. 2. If
Getting the most from your I.T. department
1. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards,
Contraceptive98
News just in of Microsoft's latest venture: Microsoft Corporation has taken another step toward dominating
King Arthur
King Arthur was in Merlin's laboratory where the great wizard was showing him his latest creation.
Fast Drinking
A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, "What'll
Sisters of St. Francis
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his
You Know You're in California When...
Your coworker has 8 body piercing and none are visible. You make over $300,000 and still can't
The Ant and the Grasshopper
CLASSIC VERSION: The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house
Little Gas
"Sister Ann, aren't you putting on a little weight?" inquired Father Dan during his visit to the
Post Office Interview
A guy goes to the Post Office to interview for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Are you a Veteran?" The
Letter of Recommendation
When Peters learned that he was being fired, he went to see the head of human resources. "Since I've
The Surgeons
Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on. The first surgeon says,
The Way It Was
An old Indian chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a ceremonial pipe and eyeing two US
Lawyer from New York
A lawyer from New York was transferred to a small frontier town during the settlement of the West.
Three Doctors in Heaven
Three doctors were driving together to the hospital when they had an accident and all three died.
Push Ups
A drunk staggers into a bar demanding a beer. The bartender informed him that he was not allowed
The Pager
Lil' Johnny's mother took her 5 year old son with her to the bank on a busy Friday. They were in
The Tourist
A tourist goes into a restaurant in Spain and orders the specialty of the house. When his dinner arrives,
The Vibrator
As a mother passed her daughter's closed bedroom door,she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from
Rookie Police Officer
A rookie police officer was out for his first ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call
Grandmother's House
Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated
Role Reversal
A reporter was doing a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War. She noted
Sherlock Holmes and the Tent
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they
12 Year Old Bottle of Scotch
A man walks into a bar and orders a 12-year-old scotch. The bartender, believing that the customer
Lawyer in Heaven
A lawyer died. At the same moment, the Pope also died. They arrived at the gates of heaven at
Pastor and the Housekeeper
In France, the young assistant pastors do not live in the main rectory. That is reserved for the
Smartest Man in the World
A lawyer, a priest, and a young boy were in a plane that was going to crash, yet they only had 2 parachutes.
The Practical Engineer
There was a mine in a small town that completely collapsed. One of the engineers who miraculously survived
Unintended Results
A chemistry instructor wanted to teach his ninth grade class about the evils of liquor, so he created
Got Quackers?
A duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender for some quackers. The bartender explains that the bar
Futuristic Motel
A traveling salesman checked into a futuristic motel. Realizing he needed a haircut before his next
Beer Test
"Yesterday, scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their
Kilts
A Scotsman was out having a very good time on Saturday night sampling the local product and on the
Russians
A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of
Three Nurses
Three nurses went to heaven, and were awaiting their turn with St. Peter to plead their case to enter
Serving Her
Grandpa was showing little Johnny around the farm, and when they came to the corral, he explained,
The Funeral Procession
Hank was amazed at the length of the funeral procession going down Main Street. Watching awhile he
The General
The general was confined to the military hospital for treatment of a minor malady. For almost
Meet her Parents
A young woman brings home her fiancee to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father