several

DOS Beer: Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the directions carefully

On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said: "Sir, do you realize your wife fell

There was a huge nut tree by the cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and

A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions

A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!"I grabbed my stuff,

One day, a young cowboy and a cowgirl decided to get married. He was a man of the world and she was an

An Arab has spent many days crossing the desert without finding a source of water. It gets so bad that

A couple who had 2 kids decided that whenever they wanted sex, they would use code words so the children

At Night. The wife had curled up ready to go to sleep, and the husband put his A typical married couple

A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him. As he sits down, the bartender comes over and

A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out the camel suddenly

St. Peter is leafing through the Big Book to see if the guy is worthy of entering. After several minutes,

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.An earlier discussion had led

First-year students at a Medical School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human

An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.The wife said,

An Arab has spent many days crossing the desert without finding a source of water. It gets so bad that

Farmer Joe was suing a trucking company for injuries sustained in an accident. In court, the company's

Three men stand before St. Peter awaiting admission into Heaven. However, St. Peter has been informed

A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn

Some time ago, there was this artist, who worked from a studio in his home. He specialized in nudes,

One sunny day in 2008, an old man approached the

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.

Mrs. Bacciagalupe comes to visit her son Anthony

A Florida couple, both well into their 80s, go

A Doctor was addressing a large audience: "The

A gentleman on a flight to Atlanta had a serious

Three Texas plastic surgeons were playing golf

Three Texas plastic surgeons were playing golf

A blonde is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory.

A guyââ,¬â"¢s been dating the girl of his

A driver was pulled over by a police officer for

Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving

There was a man who loved baked beans, but they

James was on the beach, and could not understand

A man had a bad case of stuttering. He went to

At a nursing home in Florida, a group of senior

December 1 - Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey.

If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company,

An Auburn student spent a holiday in New Mexico

Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look

A few clues to being a true Louisianan: 1. Your

While walking home from work one day, Frank saw

This middle-aged guy wakes up one morning and notices

An American cowboy was traveling in England and

A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from his recent

This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load

There were three NASCAR fans on their way to a

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine.

A guy just died and he's at the pearly gates,

A blonde was driving across several states to go

There was a brave with no sexual experience. He

One day a teacher went into her class room and

This guy lives in Westchester, NY and goes to

A farm boy who had just finished his schooling

A man notices a peculiar rash on his chest. The

One evening, a man was at home watching TV and

If you throw a party, the worst thing you can do

What if Data Ran Windows98? WORF: Captain, there

This Story is true!!! For all of you who occasionally

Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study

10) Collect potatoes. Paint faces on them and

(Disclaimer--Some of this stuff is illegal.) *Ask

One day, an old guy gets on a bus. Several minutes

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.

Jan.10 5:00 P.M. It's starting to snow. The

Following a tragic boating accident, a husband

One day four boys were playing soccer in the schoolyard.

The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with

The Smiths had no children and decided to use a

One day avant-garde violinist Malcolm Goldstein,

A biker had been injured in an accident and was

Tarzan falls from his vine while he is swinging

A man walks into a pub and sits down at a table.

Always take the time to smell the roses... and

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison.

While cruising at 40,000 feet, the airplane shuddered

Last week I took some friends out to a restaurant,

One night, a police officer was staking out a particularly

A travelling salesman is out in the country selling

A beautiful middle aged woman finally decided to

1) You try to enter your password on the microwave.

A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right

A woman who was rather old-fashioned, delicate,

A young boy of four was going into hospital to

For the first time in, oh, a decade, I think, something

A dying man gathered his best friends - a lawyer,

The young fellow was about to be married and was

There is this couple, and the wife is very self

An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but

A man and his wife are stranded on a desert island.

Yo mama's so fat that she has several smaller fat

Joe stopped at his favorite watering hole after

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment

Cross my heart this happened to someone. This guy

A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated

    One day many years ago, a fisherman's

    White House staffers were perplexed

A few months after his parents were divorced, Little

    NBC 8:00 Friends 8:30

When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first

I called a company and asked to speak to Bob.

   As you grow older, what lost

A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked

A big shot businessman had to spend a couple of

After several years of serving the church in a

This is from an actual trial in the UK.    

    A few months ago, there was

A man who was a little slow was visiting his wife

    A trucker who had driven his

There was a world famous painter who, in the prime

The new minister's wife had a baby. The minister

    One day a hunter was walking

A few clowns short of a circus.Ã, Ã, 

A photographer for a national magazine was assigned

    Curators at India's Baroda Museum

A couple, both age 67, went to a sex therapist's

A businessman returns from the far east. After

People are always on the lookout for a new diet.

John invited his mother over for dinner. During

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's

A man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them

A strong young man at a construction site was bragging that he could out do anyone in a feat of strength.

Charlie's wife, Lucy, had been after him for several weeks to paint the seat on their commode. Finally,

Next time you have a bad day at work...think of this guy: Rob is a commercial saturation diver for

After his legs had been broken in an accident, Mr. Miller sued for damages, claiming that he was

An infantry brigade was training in the summer heat, learning methods to counter offensive tactics.

Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak. But all

As the manager of our hospital's softball team, I was responsible for returning equipment to the proper

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator? The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator,

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough

Closer Than You Think! An unemployed man goes to apply for a job with Microsoft as a janitor. The

A minister concluded that his church was getting into serious financial troubles. Coincidentally,

A builder and a priest are out for a game of golf one afternoon. Unfortunately the builder wasn't

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company,

A film crew was on location deep in the desert. One day an old Indian went up to the director and

A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older

A World War II pilot is reminiscing before school children about his flying days during the war.

A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to take pictures of a great forest fire. He was

Bad Metaphors from Stupid Student Essays (actually these are mostly similes, see Literary Terms) Her

It Was Already Late Fall And The Indians On A Remote Reservation In South Dakota Asked Their New Chief

Three women were sitting around talking about their sex lives. The first said, "I think my husband's

Old tribal wisdom says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders.

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play - normally one club and two balls. 2. Play

1. Illiterate? Write today for free help. 2. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try

Police in Turkey have arrested a 30-year-old shop assistant After he was found lying naked with a

Before the 2001 inauguration of George Bush, he was invited to a get-acquainted tour of the White

They met at the singles club meeting and discovered over time that they enjoyed each other's company. After

DINING OUT 1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly

A man called home to his wife and said, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my

At a college with a shady reputation, the new dean responded to investigations into the basketball

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a good looking, older retired

Mafia leader seeks sleazy woman who can dodge bullets, meet in rat-infested motels, and speak Russian.

An older Jewish man married a younger woman. After several months, the young woman complained that

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself

WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (the actual AP headline) Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego,

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party. After several drinks, one

John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called pullets

A big corporation recently hired several cannibals in the interest of cultural diversity. You are

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One

Teaching Math in 1950: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5

A big shot executive had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched with horror as her ball headed directly towards

A young doctor had moved out to a small rural community to replace the retiring country doctor. The

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. As he sits, the waitress comes

From: Chief of Operations Subject: Proper Narrative Descriptions It has come to our attention from

Differential Theory of US Armed Forces (Snake Model) upon encountering a snake in the Area of Operations

A man goes into hospital for a vasectomy. When he wakes up he's surrounded by several anxious looking

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back,

A minister concluded that his church was getting into serious financial troubles. While checking the

A young man, who was also an avid golfer, found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly the sky clouded above his head

Dear Tech Support: Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from his recent accident were serious enough to take the trucking company

[The year would not be complete without the Darwin Awards - awarded every year to the persons who

A man fell asleep on the beach.He woke up several hours later and suffered a severe sunburn to his

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured

In a recent Channel 4 news broadcast, it was announced that Lorena Bobbitt's sister Louella was arrested

A Russian and an Newfoundland wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic Gold medal. Before the

This is how today's media would have reported the Normandy invasion to free those living under German

Whitey was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers called pullets and

An elderly man went to his doctor and said, "Doc, I think I'm getting senile. Several times lately,

It was October and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new Chief if the coming winter was

1. Never take a beer to a job interview. 2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of

Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad. Canadians: Are rather indignant about

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly

RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE WITH THE FOLLOWING QUALIFICATIONS: 1. WON'T

Historical information you need to know about shipping Manure: In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything

1. Good: Your wife is pregnant. Bad: It's triplets. Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago. 2.

A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in

A woman has had serious headaches for several years and has tried everything; been to several doctors

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious

A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff,

Last year I replaced several windows in my house and they were the expensive double-pane energy

A Russian and an American wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic Gold Medal. Before the final

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take

Students in an advanced biology class were taking a mid-term. The last question, worth 70 points or

This is a test for men only and all "real men" will answer "C" to all of these questions. However,

A southern farmer got in his pickup and drove several miles to a neighboring farm and knocked on the

At a nursing home a group of seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments. "My arms

King Arthur was in Merlin's laboratory where the great wizard was showing him his latest creation.

Two elderly gentlemen, who had been without sex for several years, decided they needed to visit a

A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband. Now he had been slipping in and

*A few clowns short of a circus *A few fries short of a Happy Meal *An experiment in Artificial Stupidity *A

An old farmer had owned a large farm for several years and in the back forty it had a nice pond,

A young woman who had been married for several years was growing more and more frustrated at her husband's

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife

A young preacher was contacted by the local funeral director to hold a grave-side committal service

The Smiths were unable to conceive children, and decided to use a surrogate father to start their

I had an appointment to see a urologist who shared an office with several other doctors. The waiting

A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His camel dies of thirst. He's crawling

An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he has never

Bill Clinton took a jog near his new home in Chappaqua. And on each run, he happened to jog past a

A lawyer from New York was transferred to a small frontier town during the settlement of the West.

A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a department store and asks, "W-w-w-where's

The staff at a local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's

The American businessman was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with

A man walked into a therapist's office looking very depressed. "Doc, you've got to help me. I can't

A man was sitting at home one evening, when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, a 6 foot

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of

Frank was excited about his new rifle, and decided to try bear hunting. He spotted a small brown

A reporter was doing a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War. She noted

One night, a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the

Four married men were golfing. While at the fourth hole, the first man said, "you have no idea what

Two blondes decide to go duck hunting. Neither one of them has ever been duck hunting before and

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his

A man tells a doctor, "I think my wife's going deaf. What can I do?" The doctor says, "Well, try

A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years. On this visit

This young fellow was about to be married and was asking his grandfather about sex. He asked how

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners

Times change. Recently there was a demonstration by a large number of students at several Howard

The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques

A man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist asked, "Yes

A young lady whom thought she was overweight went to see a dietician. She walked into his office and

Some not too smart gangsters decide to rob a bank. After several days of planning they agree on the

A guy went to visit a friend at the hospital. His friend was all busted up and in several casts. After

A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, bee-lines for a butcher shop and steals a roast. The butcher

"Daddy, where did I come from?" the seven-year-old asked. It was a moment for which her parents

A farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed them for ham and bacon. After several weeks, he notices

A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength.

It's the first of April, and Joe is out of town on business. He returns home to find out that his wife

A redneck farmer was disturbed when he found out his son was masturbating several times a day out in

A blonde went to her mail box several times before it was even time for the mailman to make his rounds.

A lady was picking up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she

There was a huge nut tree by the cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes

A man walked into a therapists office looking very depressed, "Doc, you've got to help me. I can't

A man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist asked, "Yes