should

Gordon Brown, George Bush and Saparmurat Niyazov are flying to a world economic summit. Saparmurat looks

A plane takes off from the Tbilisi airport in Georgia. A passenger storms the pilot's cabin, waving an

1. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue. 2. Press any key to continue or any other key to

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts

A man walks into a hamburger shop and orders a regular meal. Later, the waitress brings his meal to him.He

A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage

One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered

mom: "wake up son, it's time for you to go to school."son: "but mom, i don't wanna go to school."mom:

A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion.

It was the first day of school and a new student, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth

A rugged cowboy from Brokeback Mountain, Wyoming, goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run.

TO: All employeesFROM: The bossDATE: August 3, 2000RE: Foul LanguageIt has been brought to management's

A guy has a talking dog. He brings it to a talent scout. "This dog can speak English," he claims to the

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain

A very large, old, building was being torn down in Chicago to make room for a new skyscraper. Due to

An old man and his young wife were getting divorce at a local court. But the custody of children posed

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, Harry,

Qn: Why is fish cunning ?Ans: cos yu pian mi fen (fish lie to bee hoon)Qn: What animal falls down the

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.The wife said,

A man with a bad stomach complaint goes to his local doctor and asks him what he can do. The doctor replies

A man comes home from a tough day of work looking to unwind. After a relaxing dinner with his wife,

A man is having problems with his dick, which certainly had seen better times. He consults a doctor who,

A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He has two large bags over his shoulders. The guard

The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of

A sixteen year old girl went to a priest for confession."Father, I called a guy son of a bitch yesterday.""Why

RelationshipsWhen a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and

Back in the time of the Samurai there was a powerful emperor who needed anew head Samurai so he sent

A man wearing a Democratic pin walks into a bar

What do you get when you cross an egg with a sperm? An

There were four country churches in a small Texas

Three hicks were working on a telephone tower -

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts

Q: What animal should you never play cards with?

What do you call twelve naked guys sitting on each

A rather attractive woman goes up to the register

Here are the top nine comments made by sports commentators

A guy walks into a dentist's office and says, "I

"If we don't change the direction we're going,

A little boy came down to breakfast. Since he lived

A biker walks into a yuppie bar and shouts, ââ,¬Å"All

A woman visiting her doctorââ,¬â"¢s office

A tourist is picked up by a cabbie in New York

Nervous Taxi Driver A passenger in a taxi leaned

A brunette goes to the doctor and says, "Everywhere

A couple wants a divorce, but first they must decide

Two blondes and a brunette fell off a cliff, handing

There were five people on a crashing air plane.

A lawyer is standing in a long line at the post

1. Gain weight. At least 30 pounds. 2. Stop exercising.

RANDOM AND CHEAP MARTHA STEWART JOKES What is

Dear Abby: My husband is a liar and a cheat. He

What animal should you never play cards with? A

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop. Right away they

There was a young girl who loved to wear skirts

The pope and a lawyer are on the elevator to heaven.

In school one day, the teacher decided that in

Two rednecks, Bubba and Cooter, decided that they

A plane is on its way to Houston when a blonde

How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb? ââ,¬Å"Such

An Irish man with a crooked back walks into a coffee

During a recent staff meeting in Heaven, God, Moses,

1. If being chased through town, you can usually

This week, the Bush administration finally released

An old farmer went to town to see a movie. The

Three engineers were in the bathroom standing at

A priest and pastor from the local parishes are

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods,

What a woman says, what she really means... I

Eddie went shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally

An engineer died and ended up in Hell. He was not

A woman and a man got into a really bad car accident.

Traditional Capitalism: You have two cows. You

Dear Tech Support: Last year I upgraded from

George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening? Condi:

A pirate walks into a bar with a peg leg, a parrot

How many men does it take to open a beer? None,

Buy me a beer if you want the story told Of why

SICKNESS AND RELATED LEAVE: We will no longer

1. ââ,¬Å"If my heart were a baked potato,

A penguin walks into a bar and asks for a sandwich

But everybody looks funny naked! You woke me

An old farmer went to town to see a movie. The

It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered

10. Keep your back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder

A man was nervously pacing around the waiting room

Two guys are drinking together, when one of them

Both have been called "the greatest enemy of men" Think

I hate aspects of this time of year. Not for its

Remake of "Roots" starring Michael Jackson Performance

Why are there no female astronauts on the moon?

You know you're in trouble when... 1. The McDonald's

1) Pretend to be one of the Bush family. Doesn't

1. I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no

Q. How do you annoy your girlfriend during sex? A.

A woman is at a doctor's office. She begs the

This small Latino man walks into a bar, sits, and

George W. Bush told Dick Cheney, "I really hate

In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller,

George W. Bush was giving a third-grader a lesson

All quotes 100% authentic, and courtesey of George

Fred and his brother, "Donkey" walk into a pub

Once a madman said, "Do you know there is a war

Whether the cause is a previous night of drinking

One day little Johnny was walking up a hill pulling

1. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes. 2.

Dear U.S. Citizens, I have the distinguished honor

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." ...George

A sardarji was working as editor in a daily newspaper.

George W. Bush, Clinton, and Gore were all in heaven,

1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless

The way this game works is every time the word

OBJECTIVE To disengage said bra without looking

Two junior co-eds went to the movies one night.

Fail a class? Drop one too many? Don't worry about

Four Catholic ladies were having coffee one afternoon.

A mother goes to visit her daughter. She walks

A 13 year-old old paperboy knocks on the door of

These are excuse notes from parents (with their

10) You married your cousin's brother's wife 9)

Bill and Ned walk into a fast food joint one afternoon

While walking home from work one day, Frank saw

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the

AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18) You have an inventive

The manager of a megastore came to check on his

Three explorers were hiking through a vast forest

As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection. A thick

Jack and Betty are celebrating their 50th wedding

Once upon a workday dreary, my stomach grumbled

Two women, one from the north and one from the

Bring a sock puppet with you to the restaurant.

There was an old man named Bozo, and all he had

Did you hear about the cannibal who came home late

1) Stand on top of the high board and say you won't

Three clergymen were sitting in a boat, fishing.

The king of a small African nation had an elegant

This guy walks into a bar with his golden retriever.

Why should volleyballers work at the cemetery?

If a farmer was only able to choose between buying

* Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people

1) Large, loft-style apartments in New York City

This guy hears that there's good bear hunting up

A man drives to a gas station and has his tank

A boy comes running into the kitchen and says,

A newly married hillbilly couple decided they wanted

There are three men in the bathroom, two Englishmen

A group of men go up into the mountains to go bear

A traveling salesman checked into a futuristic

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at

Two football players, Bubba and Tiny, were taking

There was a nintey-year-old lady who was still

A farmer rears 25 young hens and one old cock.

A man dies and goes to Hell. The devil greets him. "You

1.Stick your palm open under the stall wall and

A young boy caught sight of his mother changing

A man, Bob, and his friend Joe went out hunting.

Insider's Guide to the Male Vocabulary ''Haven't

Q: My fiancee still has feelings for his old girlfriends.

Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested

A frog leaps out of the magical forest where he

1. People who point at their wrist while asking

Once there was a guy that went in a whorehouse

A young boy comes down to breakfast one morning.

A guy and his son go into a bar. The son is a

Three men were in a NASA conference room to decide

If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

[NOTE: This joke must be told out loud to someone

A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box

A tall blonde and a tall brunette are stading in

A man was driving along a dusty road, when he ran

Three drifters are roaming the countryside for

The ringmaster of a traveling circus was looking

The Alaska Department of Fish and Game recently

A young man goes home from a war to see his mother

If you throw a party, the worst thing you can do

How many perverts does it take to put in a light

A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver

In the realm of the Mighty King Gates who has pulled

How many men does it take to open a beer? None.

Little Joey was sitting in the back of class rubbing

10. Does this come in children's sizes? 9.

A man decided to march in the holy crusades. Concluding

A couple had been married 10 years. One afternoon,

The preacher was very distraught after the death

There was a baby born in the hospital and he weighed

A grade school teacher comes into class one morning

Why should you only put 239 beans in bean soup?

An eye doctor, a heart surgeon and an HMO executive

10) Collect potatoes. Paint faces on them and

ARIES (Mar 21-Apr 19) You are the pioneer type

MEMORANDUM RE: Computer Software Warning Last

When the nurse was bathing a female patient who

A little old lady sits at the luncheonette counter

A man decided to spend the night with a prostitute.

There was once a stockbroker who had made a ton

FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes

A wife comes in and yells, ''Honey, pack your clothes!

One day, a man was fishing on a dock across from

* You wonder why singers Sting, Wolf Blitzer, and

A big hulking hooligan walks into a bar, slams

Three men all die on Christmas Day, and arrive

A woman goes over to her married son's house and

Hey, did you hear about the cannibal who arrived

Rule One: I am aware that it is concidered fashionable

Bob walks into a public bathroom and notices a

Q: What can a goose do, that a duck can't do and

The Smiths had no children and decided to use a

When the body was first made, all the parts wanted

How many lawyers does it take to change a light

* Take shopping carts for the express purpose of

There was a chicken farmer who owned a talking

*Stand on top of the high board and say you won't

But everybody looks funny naked! You woke me

How do you know Princess Diana had dandruff?

When a doctor is checking your prostate gland,

About ten years ago, George Bush was visiting Mikhail

There was this couple that had twins and they couldn't

Little Johnny was in the kitchen playing with his

An old lady's husband had just died and she felt

A retired gentleman went to apply for Social Security.

A woman keeps asking her husband if her boobs are

There was a young man whose parents beat him all

There was a man whose elbow hurt so he told his

Hallo? Is this Giganta? Giganta Crotchetta? Oh,

A man and woman had a son but when he was born

A man went into a restaurant and ordered his meal.

Two men went hunting. Joe had been hunting all

Dearest John, I went to the door today and the

A brunette, a redhead and a blonde went to an ice

Women claim that computers should be referred to

One day there were two men walking down a dirt

Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital

An old man goes to his doctor and says, “I

What sexual position should a woman use to make

A woman pregnant with her first child paid a visit

I'm currently running the latest version of GirlFriend

One night, as a couple lies down for bed, the husband

An elderly couple decided to take a cruise to spice

A blonde says to a brunette, ''Excuse me, but each

Q: What should you do if you come across an elephant?

How many men does it take to open a beer?

A doctor had the reputation of helping couples

This newlywed couple is in bed and the man rolls

A fat dude goes to his doctors, because he needed

A very respected Captain in the foreign legion

1: Passionate kiss like spider's web. Soon lead

A guy enters a bar and he finds a friend of his.

A woman went camping and while she was out she

There's this husband and wife that have twin beds

A boy awoke and wanted breakfast so he told his

A math teacher and his wife were both 54 years

This city guy just bought a 400 acre ranch. He's

Yo mama is so fat they tie a rope around her shoulders

A man walks into a bar with a sandwich on his shoulder.

I know I haven't known you for a very long time,

The young fellow was about to be married and was

A preacher's wife was contemplating what she

What can a goose do that a duck can't but a lawyer

There were three preachers: a Catholic, a Baptist,

Q: How do blondes pierce their ears ? A:

A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if

This guy is suffering from extereme abdominal pain

Why did Santa have to go to the hospital? Because

* It can be up or down. It's more fun when it's

There was an old lady walking down the streets

1. Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.

These individual quotes were reportedly taken from

The following are a sampling of REAL answers

As he is quietly watching television at home, a

One morning, a man approached the first tee, only

1) Spend all day at a fast food restaurant, seeing

How does every ethnic joke start? By looking

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment

A newly married man was discussing his honeymoon.

Two hunters are stalking through the forest when

A guy goes out one day, hunting for bear. After

Why shouldn't you tell a secret around a clock?

One day this cop pulls over a blonde for speeding.

Q: What can a goose do, that a duck can''t do and

A first grade teacher collected well-known proverbs.

    One day many years ago, a fisherman's

Two couples were playing cards.  John accidentally

Sister Mary Katherine lived in a convent, a block

A man who smelled like a distillery flopped down

Twas the Night before Christmas, and all through

Little Johnny asks his mother how old she is.

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle.

As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I can get

Ted and Julie go to bed with one another for the

These two guys meet after not having seen each

"You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women,

I called a company and asked to speak to Bob.

Is your computer male or female? As you are aware,

All-Purpose Excuse Form, designed to get you out

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates.

Due to widespread panic about the Y2K bug, Internet

An old man from a far off land was once on the

A Catholic, a Baptist, and a Mormon are bragging

    Dick Cheney, President Bush

A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the

When the ark's door was closed, Noah called a meeting

A women desperately looking for work goes into

    Two Italian virgins get married

The following letters were taken from an actual

A couple has returned from their honeymoon and

Are you considering having children? To determine

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed

There was this couple who had been married for

In the human body, which organ is in charge? All

A man who was a little slow was visiting his wife

One night, as a couple lies down for bed, the husband

NAME: "Expecteria Trouserius" (Trouser Snake) LOCATION:

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada

    Four old Catholic women are

This guy is not getting along so well with his

'Twas the night before crisis, And behind White

One day little Johnny went to his father, and asked

The scene was a tiny mountain village in a remote

A woman and man get into a car accident. Both

    Psychologists have discovered

I know I haven't known you very long and I shouldn't

This should be sung to the tune "A Few of

    A young man just got a new job

    Stupid people should have to

NICKNAMES If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose

    A herd of buffalo can only move

    Two explorers are flying over

Those who have it would be devastated if it

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed

"Yes" = No "No" = Yes "Maybe"

A farmhand is driving 'round the farm, checking

1. In the company of females, intercourse

    The following information was

People are always on the lookout for a new diet.

    The Reverend John Fuzz was pastor

1. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A

Dear __________________________,    

December 14, 1972 My dearest darling John:

A man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them

One day, Jeffrey complained to his friend, "My

Dress Code: 1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary. 2) If we see

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind

Husband and wife are in bed together. She feels his hand rubbing her shoulder. She: "Oh, that

Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she

"Doctor, my child has swallowed a magnet!" "Don't panic, the magnet should pass through his system

You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "What human body part increases to ten

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself ~~'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.' --

With apologies to Jeff Foxworthy, US troops in Afghanistan prove they've retained their sense

A society lady runs into the employment office one day and demands a maid "right now". It seems

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul

A banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year old rancher, in town. Tom had lost his wife a year

A man was walking into the hospital for a routine examination the other day. Just as he reached the

INFORMATION YOU NEED TO HELP YOU CHOOSE YOUR NEXT HEALTH PLAN .. Q. What does HMO stand for? A.

A film crew was on location deep in the desert. One day an old Indian went up to the director and

A tour bus driver drives with a bus full of Sun City Christmas Shopper Seniors down a highway, when

There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table

There was a Midwestern phone company that was going to hire one team of telephone pole installers,

A plane was taking off from Kennedy. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain

Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this computer virus. It

A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older

A World War II pilot is reminiscing before school children about his flying days during the war.

Two couples were playing poker one evening. Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When

Customer: Hi. How much is your paint? Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things. Customer:

An angel suddenly appears at a faculty meeting and tells the dean of the college that, in return for

A very large, old, building was being torn down in Chicago to make room for a new skyscraper. Due

In the past, employees were permitted to make trips to the restroom under informal guidelines. Effective

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." Winston Churchill "A modest

Dress Code: 1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary. 2) If we see

A first grade teacher collected old, well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined

The Best and Worst Comments Received: "Text is useless. I use it to kill roaches in my room."

I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Pal at Big W and standing inline at the check out. A

It Was Already Late Fall And The Indians On A Remote Reservation In South Dakota Asked Their New Chief

1. If you are choking on an ice cube simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! 2.

Congress Votes to Outsource Presidency, Washington, DC (AP) Congress today announced that the office

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with

Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Carolyn that the doctor said he only

I had checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely so I thought I'd get me one of those

1. You must first learn to pronounce the city name, it is L. A. 2. The morning rush hour is from

A blonde's car gets a flat tire on the Interstate one day So she eases it over onto the shoulder of

Bubba went to a psychiatrist. "I've got problems. Everytime I go to bed I think there's somebody under

One day, there was a catastrophic event that caused all living creatures on Earth to die. To sort things

People who live in glass houses should make love in the basement. Never read the fine print. There

A teacher notices that a little boy at the back of the class is squirming around, scratching his

An elderly couple, Ray and Bessie, are "snowbirds" in Texas. Ray had always wanted a pair of authentic

Even if you aren't a skier, you'll be able to appreciate the humor of the slopes as written by a New

Dorothy and Edna, two "senior" widows, are talking. Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me

An elderly couple was watching television one evening. The wife said, "I am going to get a dish of

(We take you now to the Oval Office.) George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening? Condi:

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers

Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary. Suddenly,

your breasts must think i'm good lookin cause they keep lookin at me. Hey baby, you keep running

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son

A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the

To all Employees: It has been brought to Management's attention that some individuals throughout

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by kids) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff.

A first grade school teacher in Virginia had twenty-five students in her class. She presented each

The Reverend John Fuzz was a pastor of a small congregation in a little Pennsylvania town. One day, walking

Panicking when her toddler swallowing a tiny magnet; my sister, Betty, rushed him to the emergency

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play - normally one club and two balls. 2. Play

Last month, National University of Lesotho scientists released the results of a recent analysis that

An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living the last of his life in a nursing home. One day he appeared to

During a visit to a hospital for the mentally infirm, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion

A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about

After getting all of The Pope's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow?

# 10 Life is sexually transmitted. # 9 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which

1.Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue. 2.Press any key to continue or any other key to quit. 3.Press

A friend of mine has a big Labrador retriever. While I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the

A tourist from Albegestan goes on his first overseas trip. Upon arriving, he is visibly puzzled filling

In light of the rising frequency of human - grizzly bear conflicts, the Alaska Department of Fish

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought

DINING OUT 1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly

Bill and Hillary are at a Yankees home game, sitting in the first row, With the Secret Service people

here is a dangerous virus being passed electronically, orally and by hand. This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.

One Friday afternoon, two secretaries were hanging around the water cooler at the office. "Veronica,

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder

I came across this exercise suggested for seniors, to build muscle strength in the arms and shoulders.

Little Johnny had a cussing problem and his father was getting tired of it. He decided to ask his

Into a belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is

Life isn't like a box of chocolates; it's more like a jar of jalapenos: you never know what's going

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 7-year-old hockey players aside and asked,

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated

There once was a man who owned a sausage factory, and he was showing his arrogant preppy son around

I, __________________________, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started. During

Bill had always been a prankster. As each of his friends were married, Bill made sure some type of

For those of you who are not "fortunate" enough to live in California, here is a copy of the California

Twas the day after Christmas, and all through the house, Every creature was hurtin', even the mouse. The

No matter what you do or where you go, you're always going to be yourself. And Panexa knows this. Your

10. Every Tuesday he insists it's his turn to be the siren. 9. He is starting to develop a crush

A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event, hosted by a local liberal arts college.

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: 1 October 2005 RE: Christmas

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself

History began some 12,000 years ago.(Actually, it was 40,000 years ago.) Humans existed as members

Save all manner of bacon grease. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let

1. No cars up on blocks for longer than three weeks. 2. No changing your oil in the street. 3.

The Mr. Right Rejection Letter Form Dear [____rejectee's name here_____], I regret to inform

Teaching Math in 1950: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5

Name of Boyfriend/Fiancé/Husband: I request permission for a leave of absence from the highest

Customer: Hi. How much is your paint? Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things. Customer:

A couple in their nineties are BOTH having problems remembering things. They decide to go to the doctor

Q: How can you tell if a fax came from a blonde? A: It has a stamp on it. Q: Why do blondes have

The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500 man elite fighting unit called the US REDNECK

I checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely so I thought I'd get me one of those

From : Managing Director To : Executive Director "Tomorrow morning there will be a total eclipse

1. The patient refused autopsy. 2. The patient has no previous history of suicides. 3. Patient

"Remember, never ask a geek "why"; just nod your head and back away slowly... " Dan Wineman Memory

If Recipes were like tax forms.... * Line 1. Butter, a minimum of half a pound (8 oz.), but not

NUDITY I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible

1. Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found 2. hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works

A young doctor had moved out to a small rural community to replace the retiring country doctor. The

A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds, and he entered a patient's room to find

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds

From: Chief of Operations Subject: Proper Narrative Descriptions It has come to our attention from

In a small fishing village, a Newfoundlander was walking up the wharf carrying two - at least three

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very, very dark, so

Fidel dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, St. Peter tells him that he is not on the list and

The power mower was broken and wouldn't run. A lady kept hinting to her husband that he should get

Bill and Hillary are at the Yankee's World Series Game 6; sitting in the first row, with the Secret

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat

An old couple is having breakfast when the old woman says to her husband, "Just think, honey, we've

THE WIT AND THE WISDOM OF HOMER J.SIMPSON "Now son, you don't want to drink beer. That''s for Daddys,

Old Farmer Went To Town To See A Movie The Ticket Agent Asked, "sir, What's That On Your Shoulder?"

Bubba applied for an engineering position at a Lake Charles refinery. A Yankee applied for the same

Sitting on the edge of the highway waiting to catch speeders, a state police officer saw a car driving

A construction worker goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I'm constipated." The doctor examines

People who live in glass houses should make love in the basement. Never read the fine print. There

1.) Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. 2.) If

If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise. - Unknown Some days you're the dog; some

Note: Sometimes a story comes along that needs no polishing or enhancement to make it better.

A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the

The following are new Windows messages that are under consideration for the Windows XP: 1. Enter

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true? A: Your heart is only

A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem. The

A day before his 15th birthday, the son of a wealthy family was asked by his father, `Well my son,

A man drives his date up to lovers lane and parks. "I have to be honest with you" the woman says as

A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded,

After a night on the town, a young woman brought a new friend home for a late-night drink. "You can't

Sam and Bessie are senior citizens, and Sam has always wanted an expensive pair of alligator cowboy

To the citizens of the United States of America: In the light of your failure to elect a competent

A new business was opening and one of the owners friends sent flowers for the occasion. but when

[The year would not be complete without the Darwin Awards - awarded every year to the persons who

Three guys were working on a high rise building project: Steve, Bill and Charlie. Steve falls off and

Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption,

George Carlin Speaks Out... I Am Your Worst Nightmare. I am a BAD American. I am George Carlin. I

A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist. "Come now," coaxed the doctor,

Some of us Southerners are pretty skeptical of horoscopes and the people that read them. If we are

Back in the time of the Samurai there was a powerful emperor who needed a new head Samurai so he sent

In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the day. During that time we regret that you

Some people say that I'm superficial, but that's just on the surface. On one hand, I'm indecisive;

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet

Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has

This is how today's media would have reported the Normandy invasion to free those living under German

15. "Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby." 14. "I sure hope your

Ralph returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours

I know you have an interest in poker - here's a twist. Two couples were playing cards one evening.

WASHINGTON, DC (AP) - Congress approved sweeping legislation, which provides new benefits for many

Two guys are walking through the woods and come across this big deep hole. "Wow...that looks deep."

It was the first day of school in Marietta, Georgia, and a new student named Suzuki, the son of a Japanese

10 INDISPUTABLE TRUTHS BLACK PEOPLE KNOW, BUT WHITE PEOPLE WON'T ADMIT: 1. Elvis is dead. 2.

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck,

For those of you who are not "fortunate" enough to live in California, here is a copy of the California

Seems God was just about done with creating the universe but he had two extra things left over in

How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened when she brings it. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Why

It was October and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new Chief if the coming winter was

The story behind the letter below is that there is this nutball in Newport, Rhode Island named Scott

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me.

Attached is some correspondence which actually occurred between a London hotel's staff and one of

I once received a fax with a note on the bottom to fax the document back to the sender when I was

Here's why . According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were kids in the 40's,

(This is supposedly a true story.) If you have children you will probably relate to this father.

Dear Abby, I am a crack dealer in Beaumont, Texas who has recently been diagnosed as a carrier

George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to hell where the devil is waiting for him. "I

1. Never take a beer to a job interview. 2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as

This year, I resolve to ... 1. Gain weight. At least 30 pounds. 2. Stop exercising. Waste of time. 3.

Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad. Canadians: Are rather indignant about

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been

Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "I'd like

Dear Tech Support: Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slow down

Rhonda went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the

There were two brothers. One was very good and tried always to live right and be helpful. His brother

A friend just got back from a holiday ski trip to Utah with the kind of story that warms the cockles

Scenario: You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a

I promise you cannot read these and not laugh out loud! These are real notes written from parents

A nun, really needing to go to the bathroom, walked into a neighborhood pub. The place was hopping

After eight days of backpacking with my wife, we were looking pretty scruffy. One morning she came

1. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever! Unless you actually

FINE This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to

Some of us Southerners are pretty skeptical of horoscopes and the people that read them. If we are

man died and went to The Judgment. St. Peter met him at the Gates of Heaven and said, "Before you

I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your bed rock. I can't find my puppy, can you

12. Specifications are for the weak and timid! 11. This machine is a piece of GAGH! I need dual

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The

The cowhand got paid on Friday and immediately rode into town and proceeded to the nearest bar and

An eighteen-year-old Italian girl tells her mom that she has missed her period for two months. Very

An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She's chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when

randpa and grandma were watching the television evangelical show and the preacher said, if the viewers

1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I wan' all dem kids to do what I do,

Here are some observations about the politicians who run our country. They are from a Washington, D.C.travel

If you recall the old Hollywood Squares show, this will bring a tear to your eyes. They are worth

There was an old man, a boy, and a donkey. They were going to town and it was decided that the boy

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not live forever, because

A customer service award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being so clever

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. 2. If

A man was traveling north to Alberta. He needed to use the bathroom and so at a rest stop he goes into

A retired gentleman went to the social security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind

You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop, and you see

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back and

A wife arrived home from a shopping trip and was shocked to find her husband in bed with a lovely

A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed,

DRESS CODE It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of

By Scott Roeben was a very wise man. But you'd never know it because he used such fancy-schmancy

CLASSIC VERSION: The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house

INSTRUCTIONS FOR MICROSOFT'S NEW TV DINNER PRODUCT: You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing

Little Jenny walked into the kitchen one day and looked up at her mother, who was busy cooking dinner.

The Reverend John Fuzz was a pastor of a small congregation in a little Pennsylvania town. One day,

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to 10

The Wisconsin State Dept of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen and golfers

A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams.

A young preacher was contacted by the local funeral director to hold a grave-side committal service

The Smiths were unable to conceive children, and decided to use a surrogate father to start their

Hung Chow calls in to work and says, "Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache,

A preacher went to his church office on Monday morning and discovered a dead mule (jackass to the

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on. The first surgeon says,

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the

One day, Mom was cleaning junior's room, and in the closet she found a bondage S+M magazine. This

There was a little old lady standing at a corner. She had both hands holding her hat on while the

A man returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners

The staff at a local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's

The American businessman was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with

A beautiful young girl is about to undergo a minor operation. She's laid on a hospital trolley bed

A man is waiting for wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born

A man was constipated, so he decided to go to the doctor. The doctor examined him and explained, "I'm

A policeman was patrolling a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw

Frank was excited about his new rifle, and decided to try bear hunting. He spotted a small brown

A policeman cruising past a bar after closing time notices two motor bikes still parked out front.

A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds, and he entered a patient's room to find

A woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond rings, a

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. --Henny Youngman The best way

1.) "If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to

Two rednecks met in a bar and decided that they weren't going anywhere in life so thought they should

A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist. "Come now," coaxed the doctor,

A little johnny comes down for breakfast, since they live on a farm, his mother asks him if he has

Alaskan Birthday Party Sam has been in business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He

A blonde who's down on her luck is walking through a luxurious neighbourhood looking for odd jobs to

A guy gets home, runs into his house, slams the door and says, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!

Dude walks into a pharmacy laughing hysterically, orders 2 condoms, still laughing, pays the pharmacist

The passenger tapped the cab driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed, lost

This memo is from an unnamed computer company. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral

On a plane bound for New York the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class

*Juan the Smuggler* Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He has two large bags

1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers. 2. What do you do if your

A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer. "If I lose

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly

A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes

An engineer dies and reports to hell. Pretty soon, the engineer getsdissatisfied with the level

A man was called in for an audit by the IRS. So he asked his accountant for advice on what to wear.

A streetwalker was visiting her doctor for a regular check-up. "Any specific problems you should

A tourist from Bulgaria visited the United States on his first overseas trip. Upon arrival at the Immigration

Four catholic ladies were having coffee...The first catholic woman tells her friends "My son is a priest.

A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years. On this visit

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home

A traveling salesman checked into a futuristic motel. Realizing he needed a haircut before his next

A policeman cruising past a pub after closing time notices two motor bikes still parked out the front.

God summons St. Peter and says, "St. Peter, we have a problem. Heaven is full. However, we have a

This young fellow was about to be married and was asking his grandfather about sex. He asked how

An unemployed guy goes door-to-door looking for work. One home-owner hands him a brush and a tin of

Three sisters decided to get married on the same day to save their parents the expense of separate

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman

On little Larry's first day of first grade, he raised his hand as soon as the teacher came into the

A guy gets home, runs into his house, slams the door and says, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices

A Scotsman was out having a very good time on Saturday night sampling the local product and on the

A blind man and his guide dog enter a bar and find their way to a barstool. After ordering a drink

A man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist asked, "Yes

John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about

A computer programmer happens across a frog in the road. The frog pipes up, "I'm really a beautiful

Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!" "But

Two Martians land in the middle of the night in a closed gas station. They get out of their space ship.

Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price, but it's missing a

An elderly lady finished her shopping and, upon return to the parking lot, found four men in her car.

A guy went to his doctor full of anger. "Doc," he said, "I feel like killing my wife. You've got to

All the good knights were leaving for the Crusades. One knight told his best friend - "My bride

"Daddy, where did I come from?" the seven-year-old asked. It was a moment for which her parents

A farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed them for ham and bacon. After several weeks, he notices

There was a preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance that he could get, he could be found on the

A country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was so far out, there was no

There once was a lady who was very concerned about her missing parrot. Not knowing what to do, she

A lady is having a bad day at the tables in Vegas. Down to her last $100, completely exasperated, she

A crusty old marine corps colonel found himself at a gala event downtown, hosted by a local liberal

A man with a bad stomach complaint goes to his doctor and asks him what he can do. The doctor replies

A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell

Five doctors went duck hunting one day. Included in the group were a GP, a pediatrician, a psychiatrist,

A child custody case was held in court. The judge felt that the mother and father were both fit to

An elderly pair (he a widower, she a widow) meet in a retirement village. They seem to hit it off;

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop somewhere in Washington DC. Picking through the objects

A priest was taking a shortcut through an alley one day and came upon a young boy who was masturbating. "My

Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. By mistake, St.Peter directs him to go below. So,

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident. Both of their cars are totally demolished but

Back in the old Wild West, there were two blond cowpokes, Jeff and Dave. One day, the two were enjoying

On this morning a woman and her baby were taking a bus. As she entered the bus the driver says "Wow

Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says, "I want the men to make two lines.

Hank was amazed at the length of the funeral procession going down Main Street. Watching awhile he

A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the

A captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed

On a plane bound for New York, the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class

A guy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what guys and girls do

A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he wants to buy a pet that can do everything. The

A woman was cleaning her attic with her cat by her side for company. Amongst the boxes and old papers

There were three friends Chris, John and Keith, who decided one sunny day to go for a walk in the

It was George the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all

A man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist asked, "Yes

A guy dials his home phone from work. A strange woman answers. The guy says, "Who is this?"

Costello: Hey, Abbott! Abbot: Yes, Lou? Costello: I just got my first computer. Abbot: