sleep

Original List aged 20: 1. Handsome 2. Charming 3. Financially successful 4. A caring listener 5.

Warning on a curling iron: Do Not Insert Curling Iron Into Any Bodily Orifice... My bathroom has inadequate

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts

A husband and wife were having breakfast. The husband was ensconced behind his morning paper."You had

One night, a husband and wife were having a conversation during dinner:WOMAN: What would you do if I

The big-game hunter walked into the bar and bragged to everyone about his skills as a hunter. The man

A little town had a high birth rate that had attracted the attention of the sociologists at the state

At Night. The wife had curled up ready to go to sleep, and the husband put his A typical married couple

Michael Jordan made over $300,000 a game. That equals $10,000 a minute, at an average of 30 minutes per

A man is out in the Chinese wilderness and he's hopelessly lost. It's been nearly three weeks since he's

A man is out drinking with his buddies one night and suddenly realizes he has stayed out too late and

A man had been driving all night and by morning was still far from his destination. He decided to stop

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party.She got a terrible headache and told her husband

A Texas business man, while in Japan for some business meetings and a few rounds of golf, arrived in

There was this guy sunbathing in the nude at the beach. Well, this little girl comes up to him, so he

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the

A married couple was watching the show, "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?" Atthe end of the show, the

A little guy gets on a plane and sits next to the window.A few minutes later, a big, heavy, strong, mean-looking,

There were these three guys. They had been walking for 3 days and were very tired. They found a hotel,

A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He has two large bags over his shoulders. The guard

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of

This boy has just taken his girlfriend back to her home after being out together, and when they reach

Mrs. Bacciagalupe comes to visit her son Anthony

One night, George W. Bush is tossing restlessly

A Blonde goes to a barber and asks for a haircut.

What did the groupie get sleeping with the entire

One night, George W. Bush is tossing restlessly

Two college roommates are about to go to bed. The

Little Mary always fell asleep at Sunday school

On Irish radio there is a guy called Larry Gogan

FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS, CLASS OF 2003! First of all

A blonde wearing a headset walks into a barbershop

You're so stupid, you sleep with a measuring tape

A man goes to the nursing home to visit his 84

Saddam Hussein and George Bush are seated next

Yo mama so dumb, she tried to wake up a sleeping

What a woman says, what she really means... I

I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary

A husband is at home watching a football game when

Once again the female staff will be offering courses

A kid goes to his dad and asks, "Dad, what are

Knock, knock Whoââ,¬â"¢s there? Sorry,

Buy me a beer if you want the story told Of why

A husband and wife were lying in bed together one

Doctor Dave slept with one of his patients and

1. Hijack wheelchairs and speed around the hallways.

Over a gynecologist's office: "Dr. Jones, at your

Original List (age 22): 1. Handsome 2. Charming 3.

1. Your name must be Daisy, because I have the

1. Your dog rather rub up against the wall than

A woman goes to a psychiatrist and says, ''Doctor,

A drunk had been at a pub all night. At last call,

I'M GLAD I'M A MAN I'm glad I'm a man, you better

On a beautiful deserted island in the middle of

AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18) You have an inventive

One night a man rolls over in bed and gives his

There was an old man named Bozo, and all he had

If a light sleeper can't sleep with a light on,

Why did the squirrel sleep on his stomach? To

A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering

There were these two fleas in a bar. The first

In the year 3000, animals rule the Earth; they

On a rainy night, three guys were driving through

What do you call a nun who sleep walks? A

There was a lady, who had a dog that she loved,

Q: Did you hear about the narcoleptic priest?

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm

Son: Dad, I have to do a special report for school.

There were three dogs at a veternarian's office,

Howard had felt guilty all day long. No matter

Dr. Schambaugh, of the University of Oklahoma School

1.Stick your palm open under the stall wall and

Insider's Guide to the Male Vocabulary ''Haven't

Q: My fiancee still has feelings for his old girlfriends.

There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from

12. In the Star Wars universe, weapons are rarely,

Barbara Walters was doing a documentary on the

This guy was really sleepy and needed a place to

There were three guys in a car. One driving, the

A boy told his mom, "I couldn't sleep last night

A guy had a date with this really hot blonde. He

A travelling salesman's car breaks down in the

Every morning a man drives to the dock, and every

A man and his wife were sitting in church, the

Mary can't stand Sunday school, but her brother

A man was driving along a dusty road, when he ran

A man and his wife were invited to a swanky masked

There was this guy who always went out drinking

Three rabbits escape from a testing lab and find

There were three dogs at a vet's office. The

Once upon a time, there was a cat who died. When

Sleeping Beauty, Hercules and Don Juan are sitting

How many perverts does it take to put in a light

There was a young man from Peru Who fell asleep

One day a blonde is sitting on a plane next to

If a light sleeper sleeps lighter with the light

Three guys walk into a motel and find out there

What's the difference between light and hard? You

On a long walk in the woods, Johhny found himself

There was this man who had a dog. Every Sunday

Q: What is your date of birth? A: July fifteenth.

Jake was watching vigilantly at his dying wife's

10. You're so tired you now answer the phone,

Mary had a little sheep With this sheep She

One day, a little boy asks his father what the

Long time ago, in the land of Persia there lived

Dave's friends came up to him after work one day

ARIES (Mar 21-Apr 19) You are the pioneer type

(which in our society means over 25) An older

There were three couples, one elderly, one middle

A couple went to church every week, but every

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

The was a man named George who got a new job.

Three men were on a road trip. their car broke

The seven dwarves were on a bus, they started to

10) ''They told me at the blood bank this might

What do you call a sleepwalking nun? A Roamin'

Things a Man Would Do if He Woke up with a Vagina 10.

A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive

A teacher was teaching her second grade class about

A woman calls a clinic and says she hasn't been

Last night I got temporary amnesia and I totally

Once there was this man whose car broke down.

But everybody looks funny naked! You woke me

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping

* The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, ''What's

There was a man sunbathing on a beach naked. A

A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town,

you grind your coffee beans in your mouth. you

A travelling salesman is out in the country selling

Hallo? Is this Giganta? Giganta Crotchetta? Oh,

A travelling salesman was out in the country one

Dearest John, I went to the door today and the

A blonde went to go get her haircut wearing pair

Murphy's Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.

A young, innocent couple got married. On the first

This old couple is ready to go to sleep so the

They are independent. They don't listen. They

There is this extremely horny guy who loves to

Why'd the redneck cross the road? Because he

One night, as a couple lies down for bed, the husband

What's the definition of innocence? A nun working

A hundred prostitutes in Washington D.C. were asked

A young boy of four was going into hospital to

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful

Why was the blonde having trouble sleeping?

Two friends, Bob and John were discussing sex before

There's this husband and wife that have twin beds

Q: What do you call two gay guys in a sleeping

Yo' mama is so fat when she fell over she rocked

There were three extremely poor men. They were

A little boy is walking along on a nude beach.

You don't have to put cream in your coffee to

Two drunks are at a bar, drinking up a storm. One

Q: Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine

* If the enemy is in range, so are you Incoming

You lose arguments with inanimate objects. You

Saturday 1:00 A.M. Alarm clock rings. 2:00

To my darling wife: During the past year,

A security man has a dream that the plane his boss

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather

A little old lady goes into the Chase Manhattan

What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer.

Once, a long, long time ago, in a small village

A minister has just died and is standing in line

Woman: Attempt to wake husband. Feed baby. Make

A kangaroo mom with seven babies in her pouch told

Yo' mama so stupid, she put a ruler next to her

Some mornings I wake up grouchy... and on others

Q. What''s the ultimate rejection?A. When you''re

An escaped convict broke into a house and tied

Twas the Night before Christmas, and all through

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle.

Male Seminarsby Females 1.  Combatting 

Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting

WHAT WOMEN SAY & REALLY MEAN: CAN'T WE JUST

Intelligence Test Instructions: Write each of

A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment.

Bill was in the hospital for a complete check-up.

Two married buddies are out drinking one night

1. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

A cowboy was passing by a ranch and decided to

One night, as a couple lies down for bed, the husband

    One day, a man named Tony died.  

1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well-lighted

'Twas the night before crisis, And behind White

A guy comes home from the bar drunk one night around

You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore. Your

A lawyer lies dying, his partner of 40 years by

Big Busted Women -can get a taxi on the worst

A man and a woman who have never met before find

    The Penis requests a promotion

$ Michael Jordan having "retired,"

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town,

ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE: Warning keep out

"Yes" = No "No" = Yes "Maybe"

    The following information was

"I'm hungry." = I'm hungry. "I'm

    For all you guys out there who

John invited his mother over for dinner. During

ASTROLOGY: tells us about you and your future

December 14, 1972 My dearest darling John:

Bill and Hillary are fast asleep in the First Bedroom,

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night.

If you want someone who will bring you the paper without first tearing it apart to remove the sports

I'm reading an incredibly interesting book about antigravity. "I just can't put it down." I am

Find out what those dating terms really mean ATTRACTION..... the act of associating horniness with

Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually, she slept throught the class.

A drunk man who smelled like booze sat down on a bench next to a priest. The man's tie was stained,

A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, "You have been a good cat all

An infantry brigade was training in the summer heat, learning methods to counter offensive tactics.

An exhausted looking blonde dragged himself in to the doctor's office. "Doctor, there are dogs

Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other

Closer Than You Think! An unemployed man goes to apply for a job with Microsoft as a janitor. The

Tom did like he always does, kissing his wife, crawling into bed and falling to sleep. All of a sudden,

A man and a woman, who have never met before, but are both married to other people, found themselves

Two old women were sitting on a bench waiting for their bus. The buses were running late, and a lot

1. What are you thinking about? 2. Do you love me? 3. Do I look fat in this? 4. Do you think

The Best and Worst Comments Received: "Text is useless. I use it to kill roaches in my room."

Entries in a Dog's Diary: 7 am - Oh boy! A walk! My favorite! 8 am - Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite! 9

After working most of her life Grandma finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her

Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all talking one day. Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe

1. If you are choking on an ice cube simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! 2.

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.'

Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Carolyn that the doctor said he only

A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia. The doctor gave him a thorough examination, found

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men

"Late again," the third-grade teacher said to little Sammy. "It's not my fault, Miss Crabtree. You

A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if

Bubba went to a psychiatrist. "I've got problems. Everytime I go to bed I think there's somebody under

Two married friends are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says, "You know I don't

#10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22. #9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for

A newlywed couple returned to their apartment after being on their honeymoon. "Care to go upstairs

Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed my

1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them. 2. Having sex in a twin bed is out

A little town in southern Illinois had a sensational birth rate, and scientists decided to visit the

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room. The

Last summer John met a woman while on vacation and fell head over heels in love with her. On the last

"Are you religious? Because I could be the answer to your prayers." "Is there an airport nearby

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was

"Hillary Clinton's 506-page memoirs has come out. So much of her personality shines through, that

Some retired deputy sheriffs went to a retreat in the mountains. To save money, they decided to sleep

Married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment,

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After

A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early

I've never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come

Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the

Q. When is a retiree's bedtime? A. Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch. Q. How many

Dear Dogs and Cats, The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes

On the first day, God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage

And your crybaby whinny opinion would be...? This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting. I

Hello, my name is William and I suffer from guilt for not forwarding 50 billion fucking chain letters

Dear Husband: I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida, are all excited about their decision to get

Wife: Oh, come on. Husband: Leave me alone! Wife: It won't take long. Husband: I won't be

Two deaf men were talking on their coffee break about being out late the night before. The first

Commandment 1. Marriages are made in heaven. But so again are thunder and lightning. Commandment

1. "Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife." 2. "I've always wanted

After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride Virginia, Luigi stopped by his old

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat

Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to get his wife's test results. The lab technician says to

A man went to a psychiatrist for his phobia. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get

1.) Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. 2.) If

A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem

[The year would not be complete without the Darwin Awards - awarded every year to the persons who

You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were

A man fell asleep on the beach.He woke up several hours later and suffered a severe sunburn to his

A gentleman was just out of surgery for a appendicitus. His wife sat calmly beside him holding his

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured

Female Prayer: Before I lay me down to sleep , I pray for a man, who's not a creep, One who's

"Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine." "I love cats...they taste just like chicken" "Out

Ralph returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's

1. Jesse Jackson, Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called "Ministers

Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new

There was a man named George who got a new job. His fellow employees always met for a round of golf

I'm worried that I'm losing my wife's love," the husband told the counselor. "Has she started to

There were two lovers, who were really into spiritualism and reincarnation. They vowed that if either

Male Seminars by Females 1. Combatting Stupidity 2. You, Too, Can Do Housework 3. PMS: Learn

A lawyer is sitting in a bar having a drink when a beautiful women sits down next to him. The lawyer

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the present time, it is worth reflecting on

Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them. Having sex in a twin bed is out

Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a cow born in Canada

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't

Warning on a bottle of drain cleaner: "If you do not understand, or cannot read, all directions,

One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer.

Two robins were sitting in a tree. "I'm really hungry," said the first one. "Let's fly down and

I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your bed rock. I can't find my puppy, can you

If you recall the old Hollywood Squares show, this will bring a tear to your eyes. They are worth

A Cajun named Thibideaux went to his doctor to determine the source of his malady. The doctor, After

A husband and wife were traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours

On a group of beautiful deserted tropical islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go

HER DIARY Saturday night I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. 2. If

By Scott Roeben was a very wise man. But you'd never know it because he used such fancy-schmancy

Two deaf men were talking on their coffee break about being out late the night before. The first

Little Johnny comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad,

In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed because of stupidity, here are some actual

For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much partying, but now I found out

A vet gets a midnight phone call from a farmer. "I`ve got a very constipated cow - been like it for

Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room with only a table and

A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a large amount of whisky at a

A poor vagabond, traveling a country road in England, tired and hungry, came to a roadside inn with

A man returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have

Doctor Joe had slept with one of his patients and had felt guilty all day long. No matter how

The American businessman was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with

This old couple is ready to go to sleep so the old man lays on the bed but the old woman lays on the

Add It Up: Relationship Guide For all you guys out there who just can't figure it out, here it is:

MARKETING: You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry midterm. The answer

A good Irishman, John O'Reilly, met regularly with his toastmasters club. One evening they were hitting

A couple were golfing one day on a very exclusive golf course, lined with million-dollar houses.

There was a girl who went to sunday school and always fell asleep. One day the teacher asked and pointed

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they

A pregnant Irish woman from Dublin is involved in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep

ATTRACTION - the act of associating horniness with a particular person. LOVE AT 1st SIGHT - what

*Juan the Smuggler* Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He has two large bags

In France, the young assistant pastors do not live in the main rectory. That is reserved for the

Three sisters decided to get married on the same day to save their parents the expense of separate

Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to collect his wife's test results. The lab tech says to him,

Three guys go on a skiing holiday together and to save money they rented only one room. After a full

Three prospective church goers attend a meeting with the clergy of a local church and ask to become

One day long ago, a man and woman got married. The man told the woman that there would always be a

My husband was just coming out of anesthesia after a series of tests in the hospital, and I was sitting

An elderly couple, still very loving after all these years, is shocked when the woman's doctor says

After driving for about six hours, a trucker decides to pull over and sleep for a little while. As

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing.

A priest and a nun are on their way back home from a trip when their car breaks down. They are unable

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party. The wife came down with a terrible headache

It's two o'clock in the morning and a husband and wife are asleep, when suddenly the phone rings.

A couple made a deal that whoever died first, they would come back and inform the other of the

A man and wife attended church one evening, and the wife decided that it was time to stop her husband

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of