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Jokes

Beers For Geeks

DOS Beer: Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the directions carefully

Dentist

Patient : How much to have this tooth pulled?Dentist : $90.00.Patient : $90.00 for just a few minutes

Natchitoches

Two tourists were traveling through Louisiana. As they approached Natchitoches, they started arguing

Never hire a man to do a woman's job

A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions

Jackass

This one is long but well worth reading!In case your frustration level rises today, this is for everyone

Airbag

A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady forty miles per hour. The wife is behind the

Custody

An old man and his young wife were getting divorce at a local court. But the custody of children posed

Who Died the Worst Death?

Three men stand before St. Peter awaiting admission into Heaven. However, St. Peter has been informed

Three Words

A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous & sexy young

Butler

A wealthy couple had plans to go to an evening ball. So they advised their butler that they were giving

Let's Talk

A guy was seated next to a 10-year-old girl on

Girl and Dog

A little girl and her dog are walking through the

Gourmet Reporter

A magazine reporter is traveling through a rainforest,

Hamburger Restaurant

A rather attractive woman goes up to the register

Three Kicks

A big-city California lawyer went duck hunting

CIA Test

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After

A Moral Dilemma

Here's a dilemma... With all your honor and dignity,

Picture Says a Thousand Words

Here's a dilemma for you... With all your honor

License to Kill

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all

Don't Choke

Two cowboys walk into a roadhouse to wash the trail

RANDOM AND CHEAP MARTHA STEWART JOKES

RANDOM AND CHEAP MARTHA STEWART JOKES What is

Punchlines With Absolutely No Context

ââ,¬Å"No, no, no!ââ,¬Â said the penguin,

My First Time

My First Time The sky was dark, The moon was high, All

Marriage Requirments

A secretary for a foreign embassy was entertaining

Osama and Bush Have a Dog Fight

Bush and Osama decided to settle the war once and

The CIA had an opening for an assassin.

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all

Nursing Home Chit Chat

At a nursing home in Florida, a group of senior

Bush at the Wheel

Some say George W. Bush quit drinking because of

Cow Pat Lip Gloss

An old cowhand came riding into town on a hot,

The Crabby Cabbie

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the

Texan Poetry

The finals of the National Poetry Contest last

Comfortable

Two sisters, a blonde and a brunette, inherit the

Gorilla Chase!

There was a man who owned a giant gorilla and he'd

The Bear Hunter

A group of men go up into the mountains to go bear

Brooms & Carrotsticks

Bob was joining the army and they were handing

The Little Fire Engine

A little boy, wearing a big red fire hat, was riding

Hurting My Buttercups

One fine sunny morning a man decides to go golfing.

Rabid Dogs are Useful

One fall day Bill was out raking leaves when he

Babe Watch

This guy is standing outside on his balcony on

The Jackass Story

This Story is true!!! For all of you who occasionally

Three's a Crowd

A man was shipwrecked with his dog and a sheep

Barnyard Poem

The sky was dark The moon was high We were

The Hurt Bird and the Shit

One day a man was stuck in bumper to bumper traffic,

Ole and the Lefse

Ole was on his death bed. But before he died,

Preparing for Your Mammogram

Many women are afraid of their first mammogram,

Dark Suckers

For years it has been believed that electric bulbs

Upholding the Cloth

A priest wanted to convince a prostitute to turn

In the Family Closet

Just as mom walks though the door, little Jonny

Sitting at a Bar...

A woman is sitting at a bar, enjoying an after

The Millennium Kid

Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital

Baby Hermaphrodite

A woman gives birth to a baby and afterward the

Bob and the Asshole

Bob, a lawyer, was driving home over the Golden

Blonde in Natchitoches

Two tourists were traveling through Louisiana.

Walka Walka

A couple has been together for thirty years and

World's Toughest Cowboy

Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out

A Definite Definition

A teacher decides that she is going to teach her

Tomato Family Outing

Once upon a time there was a family of tomatoes

The Deer Hunt

Saturday 1:00 A.M. Alarm clock rings. 2:00

The Retirement Party

The boss is finally old enough to retire from the

Man, I Feel Like A Woman

I'm sitting on this plane, eating my dinner, when

Feeling Like A Woman

In a trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes through

Louisiana Tourist Attraction

Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As

A Real Ball Buster

"Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated." "What

Nickel-Diming Johnny

There was a little boy named Johnny who used to

An Old Fart

One evening, a family brings their frail, elderly

The Blonde and The Jaguar

A young blonde stock broker was bored with her

Rating Gals

Two cowboys are leanin' up against the rail at

Applying for a Job at the CIA

    A few months ago, there was

The Talented Parrot

This guy is not getting along so well with his

Be Careful With That Viagra

Q: Did you hear about the man who swallowed his

The Old Lady's Three Wishes

A little old lady was sitting on her front porch

West Virginia Custody Battle

The scene was a tiny mountain village in a remote

The Stupid Paratrooper

About ten recruits are making their first parachute

Pre-Nuptial Agreements

A secretary for a foreign embassy was entertaining

An Act of Charity

One Sunday a pastor asked his congregation to consider

Celebrity Computer Viruses

Monica Lewinsky virus: Sucks all the memory

Add It Up: Relationship Guide

    For all you guys out there who

Car Accident

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver

Kids Are So Smart These Days

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said,

The Duck and the Lawyer

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Wairarapa. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell

Choking

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine

The Wall

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall

Struck by a Bus

A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in New York City. He lies dying on the sidewalk as a

Greenland

A US Air Force C-141 is scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland at midnight. During the pilot's

Muscular Man

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender can't help but stare at the

Tourists

Three tourists were driving through Wales. As they were approaching Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch,

Alabama Preacher and the KKK

An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that

Three Words

A guy meets a hooker in a bar. She says, "This is your lucky night. I''ve got a special game for you. I''ll

The Dying Priest

The old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years he had faithfully served the people of the nation's

Biker's Dog

A highly timid little man, ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, "Um,

Being Six Again

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife turning back and forth, looking at

The Rednecks Kitchen

Ok now, you and the lil missus is walkin home frum a good day of doin yur cumunity servis hours when

Martha Stewart's Tips for Rednecks

DINING OUT 1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly

Final Battle

Bush and Osama decided to settle the war once and for all. They sat down and decided to settle the

Deer Hunting Season

A man and his friend were enjoying Deer Hunting Season in rural Arkansas near a blacktop highway. A

Anaconda Attacks

This is true !! It details what to do if an anaconda attacks you. Excerpt is from the US Government

Computer Quotes

"Remember, never ask a geek "why"; just nod your head and back away slowly... " Dan Wineman Memory

Cookies

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite

Scared Stiff

This happened about a month ago just outside a little town in the bayou country of Louisiana, and

The Marine Way

As a crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a five-year-old boy who picks

Custody of the Children

A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem. The

New Computer Viruses

The George Bush Virus - Causes your computer to keep looking for viruses of mass destruction. The

Defective Parrot

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet

Redneck Timbuktu

The finals of the National Youth Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. One was a student

Ice Cream Parlor

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up

TGIF

A business man got on an elevator.when he entered,there was a blonde already inside who greeted him

Redneck Tips

1. Never take a beer to a job interview. 2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting

Pleasure

The woman entered the room, and with a knowing smile teasing her full lips,she sank into the comfort

An Indecent Proposal

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally

Transatlantic Flight

On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things

Nookie Green

A young Catholic man goes to confession and says, "Father, it has been one month since my last confession.

Little Head

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender hands him the beer and says,

Savings

A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 years old and

Irishman on a Desert Island

One day an Irishman, who has been stranded on a desert island for over ten long years, sees an unusual

C-141

A US Air Force C-141 was scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland at midnight. During the pilot's

Witness

A man returning home a day early from a business trip got into a taxi at the airport. It was after

Television Evangelical Show

randpa and grandma were watching the television evangelical show and the preacher said, if the viewers

Farmer John

Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an

Sweet Old Couple Sharing

A little old couple walked slowly into a McDonalds one cold winter evening. They looked out of place

Vegas Cab Driver

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back and

Curtain Rod

After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for a younger woman. The house was in his name

Getting Old

At a nursing home a group of seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments. "My arms

Virus Alert

An entire new strain of viruses has just been uncovered and we wanted to get this information to you

100 Year Old

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th

Six Foot

Bob, a lawyer, was driving home over the Golden Gate Bridge after spending a great day on the ocean

A Real Ball Buster

"Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated." "What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement.

Relationship Guide

Add It Up: Relationship Guide For all you guys out there who just can't figure it out, here it is:

Assassin Test

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, Interviews, and testing

Louisiana Law

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in South Louisiana. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into

Speeding Ticket

A driver is pulled over by a policeman. Man: Is there a problem Officer? Officer: Sir, you were

Seducing a Barman

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman

Penguin Game

A Mexican newspaper reports that bored Royal Air Force pilots stationed on the Falkland Islands have

On a Lonely Island

A guy is stranded on an island with only a Doberman and a pig for company. There's plenty of food

The Old Cowhand

The old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The local sheriff watched from his

How about nuclear power?

A guy was seated next to a 10-year-old girl on an airplane. Being bored, he turned to the girl and