something

- How do you define optimism? - A banker who irons five shirts on a Sunday. - What is the diffrence

One day Bill Gates finally dies and goes to Heaven. Upon reaching the pearly white gates, he sees Saint

One day, a girl walked up to her mother and looked at her mother's hair and sadly said: "Why is some

A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage

This one is long but well worth reading!In case your frustration level rises today, this is for everyone

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his

There was girl who was a prostitute, but her grandmother didn't know about her occupation.One day, the

Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new home. It's fun to cook for Tim. Today I made an angel

A guy walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, "Listen, I have three girls coming over tonight.

A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him. As he sits down, the bartender comes over and

A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out the camel suddenly

It was the first day of school and a new student, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth

Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went to breakfast

An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While China, he is very sexually promiscuous and does not

A man with a bad stomach complaint goes to his local doctor and asks him what he can do. The doctor replies

A little girl was asked what she wanted most for her birthday and she declared: "A baby brother.""Daddy

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, then catch them

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He has two large bags over his shoulders. The guard

Ali married Aminah. Ali was so innocent that he did not know how to consummate the marriage (actually

A guy was setting up like a bank account or something like that, and he was being taken care of by a

There's this guy who's in the market for a used motorcycle. Always wanted a nice big hog. So he's shopping

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? Well, I hope you remember my story when they

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari

Mark your calendar with the multitude of holidays

There was this case in the hospital's Intensive

What do you get when you cross a blue whale and

One night, George W. Bush is tossing restlessly

A tourist is picked up by a cabbie in New York

It was a dark, foggy night. A man was wandering

Three men, an American, an Arab, and a Chinese

A manager walks into his office and sees a blonde

Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving

On Irish radio there is a guy called Larry Gogan

RANDOM AND CHEAP MARTHA STEWART JOKES What is

A young man goes out and buys the best car on the

One day, a policeman walked by and saw a drunk

A jock and a geek applying for the same job. The

A blonde was out on a date. Her date said you

A seismologist, a meteorologist, and a fireman

One day, a blonde left work early to go home and

Yo mama's so ugly, the last time I saw something

Once there was a man who was peacefully driving

A drunk leprechaun was staggering home with a pint

One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and

A truck driver had a 2 day lay-over during the

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1.

What a woman says, what she really means... I

Men are like fine wine: They all start out as grapes,

A gynecologist tired of his profession, and wanting

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy

Season's Beatings There's gotta be a better way

SICKNESS AND RELATED LEAVE: We will no longer

One day, an old lady went to the store to get some

A manager at a General Store is teaching a young,

But everybody looks funny naked! You woke me

If you love something, set it free. If it comes

According to a news report, a certain private school

Questions and answers selected from tests in Springdale,

A man was nervously pacing around the waiting room

I hate aspects of this time of year. Not for its

Little Johnny was in class and the teacher announced

Fifty Ways To Annoy Osama bin Laden If You're Invited

Q. How do you annoy your girlfriend during sex? A.

1. Hijack wheelchairs and speed around the hallways.

A GOOD ONE... enjoy. There was this case in the

Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look

Britney Spears had just bought her new car and

All quotes 100% authentic, and courtesey of George

10) My fellow Americans, I have been lying to you

A man was having an affair with a married woman.

An English guy was very ill and his son went to

In this world God made Eve first and one day he

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." ...George

One day two kids were wandering around near a stream.

1. Your salary is less than your tuition. 2. Your

A reporter remarked to George W. Bush: "It must

A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get

A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and

1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless

A woman goes to a psychiatrist and says, ''Doctor,

1. Drive through the drive-thru in reverse and

And the Lord spoke to Noah: ''In six months I'm

A man walked into an ice cream shop... Man: I'd

These are excuse notes from parents (with their

A man walks into a bar and orders three beers.

Bob just moved from New York City to Alabama. He

Q: Why can you never trust a woman? A: How can

Why do brunettes know so many blonde jokes? Gives

1) The president is not in his/her office at this

Late one Friday in Dublin, a policeman spotted

Once upon a workday dreary, my stomach grumbled

Two weeks ago was my forty-fifth birthday, and

Before you leave your house... 1. Put on a little

''My God! What happened to you?'' the bartender

All good Southerners already know these, but in

Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked

A man was unemployed and bored, so he decided to

Q. What is the square root of sixty-nine? A.

There was this Indian who just came back from a

There once was a little kid named Billy who loved

Boy: Will you punish me for something i didn't

1. The Female always makes THE RULES. 2. THE

Three girls named Samantha, Janet and Rebecca were

One morning, seventy-five year old Marvin is

Brittany was on her deathbed, with her husband

The other day I saw a ''Honk if you love Jesus''

Three nuns decided to quit so they went to the

One day, a man went into the doctor because he

There were three NASCAR fans on their way to a

A young boy caught sight of his mother changing

Three couples went to a resturant. The women wanted

Two robbers are talking in their shared jail cell:

Insider's Guide to the Male Vocabulary ''Haven't

There was a man named Joe playing baseball on his

There was a Irishman, Mexican, and a blond guy,

A construction worker on the third floor of a building

There was a woman who wanted to repaint her house,

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by

10. Nobody cares if you act stupid. 9. You can

There was an older man who'd married a younger

1. People who point at their wrist while asking

If you love something, set it free. If it comes

From: General Manager To: Departmental

A redneck felt sick and decided to go to the doctor.

A woman walks into a saloon and stands on a chair.

An old farmer decided it was time to get a new

A man walks into a bar next to an extremely hot

It's the first day of kindergarten, and the teacher

A married couple was on holiday in Pakistan. They

A travelling salesman's car breaks down in the

There was an old man named Bill, and one of the

A woman walks into a bar and orders a drink. A

Why don't you slip into something comfortable…like

A man is looking in the classified ads for a job.

A guy who was in the Air Force had just spent a

The priest and the rabbi were on a plane flying

A customer in a restuarant orders a bowl of soup.

A newspaper reporter went to interview an old man

There was an old woman on a plane, sitting next

One evening, a man was at home watching TV and

One day in the city a bus driver was making his

A man loses his hat, so he goes to church to steal

One day, a wife goes up to her husband and asks

One day a lady walks into a pet store to buy her

A lady with a frog stuck to her head comes to the

Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the state fair

This Story is true!!! For all of you who occasionally

A guy with two black eyes walks into church one

A guy sees a sign outside a bar that says "Piano

Q: What is your date of birth? A: July fifteenth.

Jake was watching vigilantly at his dying wife's

Two Bedouins were in the middle of a desert. When

One day, a little boy asks his father what the

Little Johnny has to write a story about someone

One day this little girl's dad came home and she

St. Peter and God talking. God says, "St. Peter,

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but

If a man says something in the woods and no woman

Once upon a time, there was a river. The Nile River,

There's a man in the prison hospital on death row

10. I think of you as a brother. Translation: You

When women see a ''caution'' sign, they carefully

Q: What does a redneck say to his friend after

What did the right eye say to the left eye? Just

A man walking along the beach finds a magic lamp

Why did God invent a man first? She wanted

1. The poorest, stupidest, drunkest province in

Three men all die on Christmas Day, and arrive

Rule One: I am aware that it is concidered fashionable

A man was out of town on business. While sitting

A concerned husband goes to see the family doctor

One day avant-garde violinist Malcolm Goldstein,

A teacher was teaching her second grade class about

Artery: Study of paintings Bacteria: Backdoor

Once there was a group of vampire bats that lived

A teacher was having a tasting day where she would

Bill and Joe go into a hotel. The hotel has 100

Every year, Grandma and her grandkids, Suzy, Jill,

A Scottish man heads for home after spending the

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment

A blind guy, a deaf guy, and an armless guy were

*Stand on top of the high board and say you won't

But everybody looks funny naked! You woke me

A man goes to a doctor for his annual prostate

A long time ago, a cowboy was captured by the Indians.

Words can't describe your outfit, so I'll just

One night three guys wanted to rob a bank. They

10. She's a goblin! 9. I'd like to get a

One day there were two boys playing by a stream

A guy is in a bar with a bunch of his friends.

One day the farmer walked out to his field to feed

This blonde gets pulled over by a cop, who walks

This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up.

This old couple is ready to go to sleep so the

There were three strings that walked into the bar.

A woman gives birth to a baby and afterward the

How do you know when a man's going to say something

There was a guy walking down the street when he

There were these 3 criminals who had just robbed

A cowboy was riding through an old abandoned canyon

A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender if

Finally, something other than smiley faces....

Little Johnny was sitting in class one day, when

A beautiful young blond woman boards a plane to

Two guys are in mental instituition. One guy

These three guys are out having a relaxing day

Q: How do you know when a blonde is going to say

The FDA is considering additional warnings on beer

These two friends are about to go to a club. One

Do you know what a wok is? It's something

Ask for a seat for your imaginary friend Bobo.

Once there was man named Jim, who let his dog out

For the first time in, oh, a decade, I think, something

A wife comes home and tells her husband, “Dear,

A preacher's wife was contemplating what she

One day, shortly after having her ninth baby, the

What is the square root of 69? Ate something.

A guy goes to a nightclub and when the bouncer

There was an old lady walking down the streets

1. Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.

All men are idiots, and I married their King.

10. You're guaranteed to get at least a little

The boss is finally old enough to retire from the

A little old lady goes into the Chase Manhattan

On Father's Day, a little boy decides to make his

Two men named Cecil and Scott live together. One

A blonde walked into a gas station and said to

There were three men working at the top of a building.

A man who always plays golf sees a beautiul woman

Squawks are problems left behind by airplane pilots

Sag! You're It! Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy 20

Yo mama's so ugly, the last time I saw something

Q. What is the definition of "making love?" A:

You might be a redneck if you have to go outside

A first grade teacher collected well-known proverbs.

"Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated." "What

    According to inside contacts,

A woman went into a pet shop to buy her boyfriend

    An elderly woman entered a large

20) "That's weird..." 19) "It's

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle.

An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her

A gentleman is sitting next to the Pope on an airplane.

A mortician was working late one night. It was

It was mailman George's last day on the job after

A guy is tossing peanuts into the air and catching

If the government is going to put health warning

An old man in Mississippi is sitting on his front

During a busy pre-Christmas day at Sydney airport,

One fine day, Jim and Bob are out golfing. Jim

A young blonde stock broker was bored with her

A big shot businessman had to spend a couple of

After several years of serving the church in a

70-year-old George went for his annual physical.

Breakfast: 1/2 grapefruit 1 slice whole wheat

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed

A man staggers into an emergency room with two

A young man sits down at a bar. "What can I get

Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group discussing

1) You define summer as three months of bad

1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well-lighted

Consumption of alcohol may make you think you

10) You are guaranteed to get at least a little

Once upon a time, there was a little old man who

A man phones home from the office and tells his

You learned to swim about the same time Jaws

Ru Paul, Bill Gates, and Roger Ebert are all struck

Two guys were hiking in the mountains when they

1) Page yourself over the intercom.  Don't

"Men are like fine wine.  They all start

This is a true story from the WordPerfect helpline.

"Yes" = No "No" = Yes "Maybe"

    For all you guys out there who

Introductory Chemistry at Duke has been taught

Who lit the fuse on your tampon? Support Cannibalism

    The Reverend John Fuzz was pastor

This is not meant to be crude. It is strictly for

From an article in the Wall Street Journal, about

Dear __________________________,    

Crazy Mike the Biker walks into a pharmacy and

A newlywed couple on their honeymoon gets to the

Monica's Diary Entry 1 Dear Diary, I'm so excited!

A strong young man at a construction site was bragging that he could out do anyone in a feat of strength.

1. Men are NOT mind readers. 2. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique

In California Unleaded gas went to $4.00 a gallon last Thursday. Sister Mary Ann, who worked for

1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out. 2. Age is a very high price to pay for

Bill meets Doug shopping at the mall and sees he has a small gift wrapped box. "It's my wife's

An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop. "Ma'am,

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6 year old.

A husband and wife were sitting around one day drinking a bottle of wine. The husband turns to his

In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest

That's a bit expensive just for a dare isn't it? I saw a dress just like that one in Woolworths

The owner of a drugstore walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall with an odd look on

A man walks into the dentist's office and after the dentist examines him, the dentist says, "That

A nun was in a hurry on her way to her job at the local Catholic Charity Hospital when her car suddenly

A redneck farmer from back in the hills walked twelve miles, one way, to the general store. "Heya,

a.. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity. b.. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the

One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates,

A highway patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and

A retired corporate executive, now a widower, decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean

Four college friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to go up to Dallas

A man and his wife were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, agreed

Customer: Hi. How much is your paint? Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things. Customer:

An angel suddenly appears at a faculty meeting and tells the dean of the college that, in return for

The ambitious coach of a girls track team gives the squad steroids. The teams performance soars. They

A young Southern boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 of the way through the semester, he has foolishly

A mother and her young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The son turned

Woman's Quote of the Day: "Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our

A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO It is also the most

Bad Metaphors from Stupid Student Essays (actually these are mostly similes, see Literary Terms) Her

The following is an exchange of correspondence between a customer and the Irish Railway Company: Larnrod

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, "Esther,

Me: Hello. AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T. Me: Is this AT&T? AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T. Me: This is

A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls. They

A grandmother was pushing her little grandchild around Wal- Mart in a buggy. Each time she put something

A Japanese company ( Toyota ) and an American company (General Motors decided to have a canoe race

TWO DUCK HUNTERS FROM WISCONSIN: ABSOLUTELY A TRUE STORY HEARD ON A WISCONSIN RADIO STATION REPORTING

Grandma's letter; She is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes: Dear

I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to

A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated

TO: MR. JAMES THATCHER, BRAND MANAGER, PROCTER & GAMBLE. Dear Mr. Thatcher, I have been a loyal

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. Garden

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died,

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal

A woman sat in the waiting room when her octogenarian husband was in the examination room for his

A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the

A pretty blonde woman is driving down a country road in her new sports car when something goes wrong

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders.

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was

There was a church down in Southwest Texas that had a very big-busted organist. Her breasts were so

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by kids) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff.

A first grade school teacher in Virginia had twenty-five students in her class. She presented each

The Reverend John Fuzz was a pastor of a small congregation in a little Pennsylvania town. One day, walking

At Heathrow Airport in England, a 300 ft. red carpet was stretched out to Air Force One and President

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. He

An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop.

A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about

After getting all of The Pope's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver

Jack had a blind date with Jill for the prom and, as the evening progressed, he found himself attracted

Three men die and meet Peter at the pearly gates. "In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter

One day the teacher decides to play an animal game. She holds up a picture of a giraffe and asks if

10. Your visa card and your belt both hit their limit. 9. She's been wearing an engagement ring

Before the 2001 inauguration of George Bush, he was invited to a get-acquainted tour of the White

MONDAY: It's fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately.

A contestant on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire" had reached the final plateau. If she answered the

A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The

You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track. Logic is a systematic method

It's out! Brand new edition of... "You know you're A redneck when......" 1. You take your dog for

Slap Your Co-Worker Day is Coming!! May 22 is the official Slap Your Irritating Co-workers Holiday:

Bill and Hillary are at a Yankees home game, sitting in the first row, With the Secret Service people

Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people

Into a belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is

1. Sag, you're it. 2. Hide and go pee. 3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear. 4. Kick

by David Letterman 10. The cucumber has left the salad. 9. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower

A man goes into a store and asks the clerk for some "Polish Sausage." The clerk looked at him and

BACHELOR: A guy who has avoided the opportunity to make some woman miserable. BRIDE: A woman

In case you have been waiting breathlessly for this year's Darwin Awards, here they are. The awards

A 57-year-old woman was arrested for shoplifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, "What

Love- When your eyes meet across a crowded room. Lust- When your tongues meet across a crowded room. Marriage-

One year at Christmas my mom went to my sister's house for the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible

A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event, hosted by a local liberal arts college.

You might be a redneck if .... You've ever had Thanksgiving dinner on a Ping-Pong table. Thanksgiving

10. Guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack. 9. If you get tired, wait 10 minutes

Concerned about her relationship, a woman approaches her doctor and says "Doc, I'm getting married

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party. After several drinks, one

Save all manner of bacon grease. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let

Hello, my name is William and I suffer from guilt for not forwarding 50 billion fucking chain letters

A Texas family of football supporters head out one Saturday to the outlet mall to do their tax-free

A big corporation recently hired several cannibals in the interest of cultural diversity. You are

The Mr. Right Rejection Letter Form Dear [____rejectee's name here_____], I regret to inform

Customer: Hi. How much is your paint? Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things. Customer:

Memory was something you lost with age An application was for employment A program was a TV show A

From : Managing Director To : Executive Director "Tomorrow morning there will be a total eclipse

A big shot executive had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses

NUDITY I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible

The couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted

Tired of being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decides to solve both problems

* Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong. * Keep skunks and bankers and

Commandment 1. Marriages are made in heaven. But so again are thunder and lightning. Commandment

1. "Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife." 2. "I've always wanted

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. As he sits, the waitress comes

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds

Bill and Hillary are at the Yankee's World Series Game 6; sitting in the first row, with the Secret

I would not say that the future is necessarily less predictable than the past. I think the past was

A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside.

THE WIT AND THE WISDOM OF HOMER J.SIMPSON "Now son, you don't want to drink beer. That''s for Daddys,

Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle.

As a crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a five-year-old boy who picks

Note: Sometimes a story comes along that needs no polishing or enhancement to make it better.

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly the sky clouded above his head

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer

1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out. 2. Age is a very high price to pay for

[The year would not be complete without the Darwin Awards - awarded every year to the persons who

John and his wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full length mirror

* Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot. * Learn from your parents' mistakes

Miss Bea, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was much admired

Some of us Southerners are pretty skeptical of horoscopes and the people that read them. If we are

"Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine." "I love cats...they taste just like chicken" "Out

Some people say that I'm superficial, but that's just on the surface. On one hand, I'm indecisive;

One night a blonde nun was praying in her room when God appeared before her. "My daughter, you have

WASHINGTON, DC (AP) - Congress approved sweeping legislation, which provides new benefits for many

1. Jesse Jackson, Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called "Ministers

You live in Arizona when.. 1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade. 2. You

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck,

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the finance committee refuses to provide funds for the

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. "In honor of

A farmer has three sons. One day, his oldest boy comes to him and pleads with him that he is graduating

How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened when she brings it. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Why

A man attempting to set up his new printer called the printer's tech Support number, complaining about

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly

Rhonda went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington recently was faced with a unique

A white-haired old man walked into a jewelry store on a Friday, with a beautiful young lady at his

Essential NEW WORDS FOR 2004 editions for the work-place vocabulary: BLAMESTORMING Sitting around

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious

He, who laughs last, thinks slowest. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film. A

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. Gardening

I promise you cannot read these and not laugh out loud! These are real notes written from parents

Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday and I wasn't feeling too good that morning. I went to breakfast

FINE This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to

Some of us Southerners are pretty skeptical of horoscopes and the people that read them. If we are

An investment counselor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept

Here are some conversations that actually happened between help desk people and their customers. Customer:

There's an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery.

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against wall. The owner asks the

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful (and intelligent) pet dachshund

My wife of 14 years is convinced she has Mad Cow disease... ... After all, she had a fast food taco

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take

Two women friends had gone for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the

Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an

Johnny and his wife went to the State Fair every year. Every year Johnny would say, "I'd like to ride

A customer service award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being so clever

One fine day, Jim and Bob are out golfing. Jim slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He grabs

These are actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. Her face was a perfect oval,

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. 2. If

1. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards,

A little old couple walked slowly into a McDonalds one cold winter evening. They looked out of place

ABBOT: Ultimate Super Duper Computer Store. Can I help you? COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up

(Internal Revenue Service, an agency of the government to whom Americans pay taxes on their salary.) --Always

God looked at earth and wanted to know what kind of behaviour that was going on. He decided to send

A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed,

An American tourist in London found himself needing to go to the bathroom something terrible. After

Dear Diary: Day 1 Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When

Little Jenny walked into the kitchen one day and looked up at her mother, who was busy cooking dinner.

A man and his wife were driving through country on his way from New York to California. Looking

A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse. The horse's trainer meets him

The Reverend John Fuzz was a pastor of a small congregation in a little Pennsylvania town. One day,

A blonde named Mary decides to do something really wild. Something she hasn't done before, so she

The following story was written by Andrew Marlatt. It first appeared on SatireWire on Feb. 1, 2002

Jason wanted to get his blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary, but also something

An Arkansas woman is in the welfare office filling out forms. The welfare officer asks her how many

Three men - an American, a Japanese and an Irishman - were sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly there

A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona and sees that the car's oil-pressure light is on.

This old couple is ready to go to sleep so the old man lays on the bed but the old woman lays on the

A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone (a male

"Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated." "What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement.

Add It Up: Relationship Guide For all you guys out there who just can't figure it out, here it is:

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of

One afternoon while doing some work in the garden I noticed my dog dragging something under the fence.

A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five

A very proper man started going into the neighbourhood pharmacy every week to buy 2 dozen boxes of

An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the

These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to go up to Dallas

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. --Henny Youngman The best way

This woman goes to a pet store to purchase some dog food. She puts the bag of food up on the counter

A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a 1999 Ferrari GTO. It is also most expensive

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. 2. Learn to work the toilet seat; if

A man was in his yard mowing the grass when his blonde neighbor came out of the house and went straight

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day,

The passenger tapped the cab driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed, lost

An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While in China, he is very sexually promiscuous and

*Juan the Smuggler* Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He has two large bags

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how TRUE this is! They actually have a chili

1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers. 2. What do you do if your

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly

A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at

The priest in a small Irish village was very fond of the chickens he kept in the hen house out the

A man was in a bar all day and he had to use the bathroom. He was in there for a while, yelling. The

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home

God summons St. Peter and says, "St. Peter, we have a problem. Heaven is full. However, we have a

Two buddies were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other had a Chihuahua. As

A guy goes to the pharmacist and says, "Listen, these two girls are coming over this weekend, and they

An Arkansas woman is in the welfare office filling out forms. The welfare officer asks her how many

Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was

Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat. They

A blind man and his guide dog enter a bar and find their way to a barstool. After ordering a drink

A man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist asked, "Yes

Three prospective church goers attend a meeting with the clergy of a local church and ask to become

Some not too smart gangsters decide to rob a bank. After several days of planning they agree on the

A baby was born with the ability to talk. The first thing he said when he was born was, "Are you

One day long ago, a man and woman got married. The man told the woman that there would always be a

A guy went to visit a friend at the hospital. His friend was all busted up and in several casts. After

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day,

A couple of pals had the following conversation recently: "Hey Larry, going away on holiday again?" "Yes,

A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength.

A crusty old marine corps colonel found himself at a gala event downtown, hosted by a local liberal

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of

A man decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at

A priest was taking a shortcut through an alley one day and came upon a young boy who was masturbating. "My

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. By mistake, St.Peter directs him to go below. So,

There was this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery.

There were three men playing a round of golf, Moses, Jesus, and an old man. They get to the 18th

Three guys died and when St. Peter met them at the pearly gates, he said, "I know that you guys are

It was George the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all

A man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist asked, "Yes