sound

Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new home. It's fun to cook for Tim. Today I made an angel

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party.She got a terrible headache and told her husband

Once there was this doctor that moved out to the country to become a farmer. He said to himself, "Well,

Two Norwegian men were driving near Mt. Horab, a Norwegian community in Wisconsin, when they noticed

Why do Scotsmen wear kilts? Because the sound of

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.

Gaye Males - Real Estate Agent Rodger Bumpass

God was talking to Adam one day when Adam begins

Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving

A Norwegian took a trip to Fargo, North Dakota.

There was a man who loved baked beans, but they

* When speaking fast you can make yourself sound

There was a competition to cross the English channel

The American Dairy Association was so successful

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods,

A kid goes to his dad and asks, "Dad, what are

Dear Mr. Blix, Welcome to Iraq! It is so good

SICKNESS AND RELATED LEAVE: We will no longer

My genitals are so gigantic, and yours so woefully

Years of straining with poopie-ing, we can only

You've lost the feeling below your ankles. When

If you think no Christmas dinner is complete

A man had a terrible passion for baked beans, but

It's legal to earn money playing hockey Many people

My answer to "What to do with Bin Laden?" Well,

Fifty Ways To Annoy Osama bin Laden If You're Invited

A guy says, "Doc, you gotta help me. Every time

If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company,

One day a secretary is leaving on her lunch break,

Whether the cause is a previous night of drinking

A man from Atlanta moved to New York. As he wandered

10. See me after class. 9. Did you even read the

SEX CONTRACT I, _______________________, hereby

OBJECTIVE To disengage said bra without looking

Fail a class? Drop one too many? Don't worry about

A drunk had been at a pub all night. At last call,

A young couple is out for a romantic Valentine's

I'M GLAD I'M A MAN I'm glad I'm a man, you better

11) I'm spiking the punch at the reception. That'll

An Irishman is sitting at the end of a bar. He

Taoism: Shit happens. Buddhism: If shit happens,

A private was serving duties at his barracks in

1) Stand on top of the high board and say you won't

An eighty-year-old man is sitting on a park bench,

Son: Dad, I have to do a special report for school.

A man hails a taxi, and gets inside. "5th and

10. This is your captain speaking and I don't feel

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were

It was recess and the pre-schoolers came in. The

How To Shower Like A Woman... * Take off clothing

A guy went to a whore house and asked the lady

A man comes home late one night, drunk. "Where

A couple has been married for 50 years. One day

A man and his wife were invited to a swanky masked

It is a normal drill day at the Marine base in

1.Come out of the stall with wet hands. 2.Pour

A lady shows up at her doctor's appointment. The

A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel.

What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!

A man walks into a bar with three little ducks

One night two drunks were wandering the town trying

A guy sees a classified ad that says "Will give

There was once a stockbroker who had made a ton

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. Walking

A boy comes home one day and runs up to his mom.

Rule One: I am aware that it is concidered fashionable

Once there was a substitute teacher taking over

A guy comes home early one day from work. And

A blonde is walking down the street and a car pulled

Aliens from Somewhere-Out-There just landed on

*Stand on top of the high board and say you won't

Taoism: Shit happens. Confucianism: Confucious

Last week I took some friends out to a restaurant,

A travelling salesman is out in the country selling

A travelling salesman was out in the country one

It's wise to remember how easily e-mail can be

Two men went hunting. Joe had been hunting all

A lady went to a plastic surgeon to see what he

One day there were two men walking down a dirt

I'm currently running the latest version of GirlFriend

There are approximately two billion children (persons

A fat dude goes to his doctors, because he needed

A fellow walks into a bar very down on himself.

This city guy just bought a 400 acre ranch. He's

Little DJ has his first day at school. His Mom

Two construction workers were working on the 30th

Whats orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.

An elderly husband and wife noticed that they were

As he is quietly watching television at home, a

Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful

Shit is a powerful word. Just think of all the

An old man and woman were married for years, even

Twas the Night before Christmas, and all through

Some pretty 'useful' phrases you, too, can use

Intelligence Test Instructions: Write each of

    For the first time in many years,

A very old couple book a honeymoon suite in a five-star

A pretty young blonde visiting her new doctor for

A mother was walking down the hall when she heard

Two married buddies are out drinking one night

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to

A woman is in bed with her lover, who also happens

Two Texans were having the blue plate special at

This guy is not getting along so well with his

A man had a terrible passion for baked beans, but

This should be sung to the tune "A Few of

A frustrated wife got some Viagra for her husband.

    A sixty-four-year-old man is

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night.

Dress Code: 1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary. 2) If we see

A young Chinese couple get married. She's a virgin, and truth be told he's a virgin too, but she

1. Men are NOT mind readers. 2. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put

Next time you have a bad day at work...think of this guy: Rob is a commercial saturation diver for

A guy is going on a tour of a factory that produces various latex products. At the first stop, he

A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, "You have been a good cat all

I believe in having sex on the first date. At my age, there may not be a second date. Senior Campbell's

In the past, employees were permitted to make trips to the restroom under informal guidelines. Effective

Dress Code: 1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary. 2) If we see

Bad Metaphors from Stupid Student Essays (actually these are mostly similes, see Literary Terms) Her

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar. Woods turns to Wonder and says: How is the singing career

I had checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely so I thought I'd get me one of those

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting

TO: MR. JAMES THATCHER, BRAND MANAGER, PROCTER & GAMBLE. Dear Mr. Thatcher, I have been a loyal

A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if

Two married friends are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says, "You know I don't

A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the

It's wise to remember how easily email can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences. Consider

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. He

Old West Phrases That Will Never Sound The Same After "Brokeback Mountain"... 1. "I'm gonna pump

Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his

A man called home to his wife and said, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my

There were three little boys visiting their grandparents. The oldest came out and asked his grandpa,

Having a rough day? Just in case you've had a rough day, here's a stress management technique recommended

These three men went into business together and the first one said: "I put up sixty-five percent

Life isn't like a box of chocolates; it's more like a jar of jalapenos: you never know what's going

I, __________________________, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely

It was last Wednesday night, and I was sitting in my room watching television when the phone rang. "Hello?" A

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself

Here is a chicken recipe that also includes the use of popcorn as a stuffing - imagine that! When

WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (the actual AP headline) Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego,

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage

Two golfing friends were about to tee off, when one fellow noticed that his partner had but one golf

Steve complained to his friend Al that lovemaking with his wife was becoming routine and boring. "Get

1) The new policy on sexual harassment includes your photo. 2) The Security guard makes a complete

I checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely so I thought I'd get me one of those

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God... "Lord, I have a problem!" "What's the

This happened about a month ago just outside a little town in the bayou country of Louisiana, and

Once upon a time there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter. However,

Helpdesk: What kind of computer do you have? Female customer: A white one... -------------------------------------------------------------------- Hi,

A young Technician and his General Manager board a train headed through the mountains on its way to

[The year would not be complete without the Darwin Awards - awarded every year to the persons who

I. There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa

Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered. Some

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of sh*t . 2. I don't know what your

WASHINGTON, DC (AP) - Congress approved sweeping legislation, which provides new benefits for many

Two guys are walking through the woods and come across this big deep hole. "Wow...that looks deep."

10 INDISPUTABLE TRUTHS BLACK PEOPLE KNOW, BUT WHITE PEOPLE WON'T ADMIT: 1. Elvis is dead. 2.

The story behind the letter below is that there is this nutball in Newport, Rhode Island named Scott

Picture yourself near a stream. Birds are softly chirping in the crisp, cool, mountain air.

Here's why . According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were kids in the 40's,

George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to hell where the devil is waiting for him. "I

A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in

SYMPTOM - Feet cold and wet. SOLUTION - Glass being held at incorrect angle. Rotate glass so that

Essential NEW WORDS FOR 2004 editions for the work-place vocabulary: BLAMESTORMING Sitting around

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't

He, who laughs last, thinks slowest. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film. A

Scenario: You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a

Clem pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Jed where he'd first had sex. "It

1. When you get pulled over, say "What's wrong, ossifer, there's no blood in my alcohol?" 2. When

A primary school teacher decided to see how many of the city kids knew what sounds farm animals made.

A Chinese couple gets married - and she's a virgin. Truth be told, he is none too experienced either.

These are actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. Her face was a perfect oval,

DRESS CODE It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of

Clem pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Jed where he'd first had sex. "It was

A plastic surgeon invented a radical new face lift procedure and was explaining it to a prospective

Morris complained to his friend Irving, that love making with his wife was becoming routine and boring. "Get

A blonde named Mary decides to do something really wild. Something she hasn't done before, so she

God and Adam are talking in the Garden of Eden one day and God asks "How are you doing?" Adam replies

These three men went into business together and the first one said: "I put up sixty-five percent

Three men - an American, a Japanese and an Irishman - were sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly there

A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated

Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view. The fact that no one

A blonde who's down on her luck is walking through a luxurious neighbourhood looking for odd jobs to

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day,

A Boston fan, a Yankees fan, and Pamela Anderson are sitting together in a train. The train enters

God summons St. Peter and says, "St. Peter, we have a problem. Heaven is full. However, we have a

A little boy wakes up 3 nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents room.

During his visit to the United States, the Pope met with President Clinton. Instead of just an hour

Three men are sitting naked in the sauna. Suddenly there is a beeping sound. The first man presses

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day,

A first grade class comes in from recess. Teacher asks Alice: "What did you do at recess?" Alice

Three business men were sitting in a bar, drinking and discussing how stupid their wives were. The

An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation,

Little DJ has his first day at school. His Mom was real worried, and when she picked him up from school

A priest was taking a shortcut through an alley one day and came upon a young boy who was masturbating. "My

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing.

A ninety-year-old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, when a young man walks by and asks him what's

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party. The wife came down with a terrible headache

It was George the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all