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One day Bill Gates finally dies and goes to Heaven. Upon reaching the pearly white gates, he sees Saint

A woman goes to the doctor's office and says to him. "Doctor, I've got a strange problem I need your

A man was ordered by his doctor to lose 75 lbs. due to very serious health risks. As he wondered how

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In San Francisco, a man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into a local branch and wrote,

A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!"I grabbed my stuff,

A blond man showed up at work one day with a black eye. When his co-workers saw him they asked him what

Question : Ms. America, how do you describe a male organ in your country?Ms. America : Well, I can

A rugged cowboy from Brokeback Mountain, Wyoming, goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run.

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single

A very large, old, building was being torn down in Chicago to make room for a new skyscraper. Due to

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, Harry,

A girl walks into a bar and asks for a Bud. The bartender gives it to her, she drinks it, and passes

One sunny day in 2008, an old man approached the

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble

Two little potatoes are standing on the street

One night, George W. Bush is tossing restlessly

One night, George W. Bush is tossing restlessly

Knock knock You dumb ass, Iââ,¬â"¢m the

A lawyer is standing in a long line at the post

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Why did the zombie baby cross the road? To wreak

Three blondes died and found themselves standing

How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb? ââ,¬Å"Such

Three engineers were in the bathroom standing at

A priest and pastor from the local parishes are

A blonde began a job as an elementary school counselor

A truck driver had a 2 day lay-over during the

I saw an interview in which an expert on military

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Once again the female staff will be offering courses

Joe and Wanda had a small apartment in the city.

A modern Orthodox Jewish couple, preparing for

1) Pretend to be one of the Bush family. Doesn't

One day a secretary is leaving on her lunch break,

One day Adam and Eve notice God standing before

A squad of American soldiers was patrolling the

POST GAME DISCUSSION Two Rams fans were standing

1. Always looks like he's pledging allegiance.

George W. Bush, Clinton, and Gore were all in heaven,

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A guy was standing in front of the gorilla cage

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A young man is wandering around the zoo looking

A man moved into a new apartment, and he decided

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A black cow was standing in the middle of the

A group of men go up into the mountains to go bear

Mrs. Flebs, a teacher, was standing in front of

A drunk is driving through the city and his car

A zookeeper approaches three boys standing near

Back in the day, when they stamped each can in

Some time ago President Clinton was hosting a state

A pilot was forced to make a crash landing in a

One day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was

This guy dies and goes to heaven. When he gets

Adam and Eve were standing opposite to each other

A small guy enters an elevator and notices a huge

A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box

There's a fine line between fishing and standing

It is a normal drill day at the Marine base in

In order to assure the highest levels of quality

Q: What do you call a bunch of gay guys standing

A man went to England on a trip and met a woman

A man is riding aimlessly through the desert on

A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel.

This guy is standing outside on his balcony on

A man walks into a bar and sits down right across

Two old ladies were standing on a street corner

Two lawyers, Jon and Amanpreet, head out for their

There was a soldier that enlisted in the army to

A 47 year-old lady gets a facelift. It turns out

A guy was riding down the road when he saw a

A French guy, an American guy and a Cuban guy are

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The local bar was so sure that its bartender was

One day, Mr. Phillard rushed his pregnant wife

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but

A girl was standing talking to her friends when

A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday.

A pretty blonde woman is driving down a country

St. Peter was standing outside the gates of heaven

When women see a ''caution'' sign, they carefully

What do you call 10 blondes standing in a circle? A

Jesus was standing on a hill talking to his people. ''He

A midget is riding a bus when a blonde steps on

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Rule One: I am aware that it is concidered fashionable

Bob walks into a public bathroom and notices a

There were 3 basketball players, one each from

There was a woman who was interested in getting

How many lawyers does it take to change a light

Once there was a substitute teacher taking over

In the suburbs, there's grass. In the ghetto,

An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds

Q: Two blondes are standing on top of the Empire

Five pigs were standing outside a bar. The first

One day a medical professor and his class were

While cruising at 40,000 feet, the airplane shuddered

A fellow was ordered to lose 75 pounds, due to

The three remaining members of Pink Floyd get in

you grind your coffee beans in your mouth. you

A tiny but dignified old lady was among a group

Two prostitutes are standing on the corner and

Susan was standing on a street corner when Bob

What do you have if there are 100 rabbits standing

Abe and Sara are in their 80's. One day Abe comes

A blonde woman and a red-headed woman are taken

There was a guy walking down the street when he

It's a beautiful day and love is in the air. Marie

A doctor at an (insane) asylum decided to take

An elderly couple decided to take a cruise to spice

What is confusion? Confusion is 20 lesbians

It's a nasty day, and a guy gets pulled over for

A blonde was standing outside a fast food store,

A man walks in his room after work and is suprised

There were three men standing at the Pearly Gates

There was this guy who wanted to quit smoking.

A couple has just finished having sex. They ALWAYS

Dan wakes up on Monday morning, staggers into the

It was another Payday and I was tired of Mr.

A preacher's wife was contemplating what she

There is this couple, and the wife is very self

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An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but

What do you call a buncha blondes standing ear

One day a new vacuum salesman is going door-to-door

An atomic bomb went off in Washington and everyone

A man was digging in his garden, when his shovel

Yo mama is so fat that when she asked, “Why

A minister has just died and is standing in line

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment

You're so small you could milk a cow standing up.

This lady is throwing a party where each guest

Q: What did Clinton say when asked if he had used

Larry, a local football star, is jogging down the

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock

At the 1994 annual awards dinner given for Forensic

Little Johnny, on a day when he was being particularly

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology

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Joe and Wanda had a small apartment in the city

Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting

One day while jogging, a middle-aged man noticed

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Two cowboys are leanin' up against the rail at

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A young lady was standing in front of a shoe store

A guy is standing at a urinal when he notices that

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About ten recruits are making their first parachute

A frustrated wife got some Viagra for her husband.

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Some of the finest quotes from the Honorable Marion

A man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night.

BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a CHANGE! The chicken

Four United States Presidents get caught up in a tornado.... and off they whirled to the land

A society lady runs into the employment office one day and demands a maid "right now". It seems

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul

In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest

Tom did like he always does, kissing his wife, crawling into bed and falling to sleep. All of a sudden,

A guy walks into a bar and sees a gorgeous woman nursing a drink. Walking up behind her he says:

A very large, old, building was being torn down in Chicago to make room for a new skyscraper. Due

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb

The following is an exchange of correspondence between a customer and the Irish Railway Company: Larnrod

Me: Hello. AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T. Me: Is this AT&T? AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T. Me: This is

I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Pal at Big W and standing inline at the check out. A

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender can't help but stare at the

A hunter walking through the jungle, found a huge, dead dinosaur, with a pigmy standing beside it.

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was

TWO DUCK HUNTERS FROM WISCONSIN: ABSOLUTELY A TRUE STORY HEARD ON A WISCONSIN RADIO STATION REPORTING

An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that

(Actual letter from an Iowa resident and sent to his senator) The Honorable Tom Harkin 731 Hart

Herbert A. Millington Chair - Search Committee 412A Clarkson Hall, Whitson University College Hill,

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she

Some time ago Mr. Clinton was hosting a state dinner when at the last minute his regular cook took

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material

A lady walked into a Lexus dealership just to browse. Suddenly, she spotted the most beautiful car

There was a boy standing on a corner selling fish. He was saying, "Dam fish for sale, dam fish for

A pretty blonde woman is driving down a country road in her new sports car when something goes wrong

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play - normally one club and two balls. 2. Play

A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror while her husband reads in bed. "I feel horrible,

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program. The next day, there's a knock

After getting all of The Pope's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver

Some retired deputy sheriffs went to a retreat in the mountains. To save money, they decided to sleep

Some women are gathered and the subject of conversation turns to sex and then birth control. The first

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people

I came across this exercise suggested for seniors, to build muscle strength in the arms and shoulders.

How many members of the Bush administration does it take to change a light bulb? 1. One to deny

9. Promises to improve foreign relations with Hawaii. 8. Runs a series of attack ads against Martin

One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When

In case you have been waiting breathlessly for this year's Darwin Awards, here they are. The awards

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she

1. No cars up on blocks for longer than three weeks. 2. No changing your oil in the street. 3.

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One

Name of Boyfriend/Fiancé/Husband: I request permission for a leave of absence from the highest

I am very detail-oreinted. My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability

--Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife

A man standing in line at a check out counter of a grocery store was very surprised when a very

1. Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found 2. hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works

Commandment 1. Marriages are made in heaven. But so again are thunder and lightning. Commandment

Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A woman walked by and asked

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. 2. One tequila, two tequila, three

A man in the Florida supermarket tries to buy half a head of lettuce. The very young produce assistant

Michael and his wife live in Minnesota. One winter morning while listening to WCCO, they hear the announcer

Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyerwitz loses $500 on a single

Three blondes died and found themselves standing before St. Peter. He told them that before they could

John and his wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full length mirror

Written by Phil Maggitti Going to War with the Army that We Want. WASHINGTON, D.C. - President

She married and had 11 children. Her husband died. She married again and had 7 more children. Again,

A man comes up to the cashier and she notices that his fly was open. She looks at him and says, "Your

One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river.

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program. The next day, there's a

WASHINGTON, DC (AP) - Congress approved sweeping legislation, which provides new benefits for many

What the Job Ad says & What it means: Advancement opportunity: Sh*t job Entry level Really

Seems God was just about done with creating the universe but he had two extra things left over in

A man decides to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the

Male Seminars by Females 1. Combatting Stupidity 2. You, Too, Can Do Housework 3. PMS: Learn

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she

A white-haired old man walked into a jewelry store on a Friday, with a beautiful young lady at his

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender hands him the beer and says,

A woman has had serious headaches for several years and has tried everything; been to several doctors

1 . Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants. 2. Marriage changes

A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff,

FINE This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to

Clem pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Jed where he'd first had sex. "It

A Hunter walking through the jungle found a huge dead dinosaur with a pigmy standing beside it. Amazed,

While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball, and seeing none around it

Jack has died. His lawyer is standing before the family and reads out Jack's Last Will and Testament. "To

Sherry lost her husband almost four years ago and still hasn't gotten out of her mourning stage. Her

Two men were digging a ditch on a very hot day. One said to the other, "Why are we down in this hole

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door.

CLASSIC VERSION: The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house

Clem pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Jed where he'd first had sex. "It was

The chief of staff of the US Army decided that he would personally intervene in the recruiting crisis

A friend and I were standing in line at a fast-food restaurant, waiting to place our order. There

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing

A man had just been laid off from work. He was standing on the railing of a high bridge getting read

A man goes into an elevator, looks around and notices that he is alone except for this great, big,

THE VALUE OF UNDIES-- Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle... From

Colin was struggling to decide what to wear to go to a fancy costume party. Then he had a bright idea. When

A girl was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know. One day, the police raided a whole

An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he has never

Gary and Martin were standing at the urinals in a public lavatory, when Gary glanced over and noticed

Bill Clinton took a jog near his new home in Chappaqua. And on each run, he happened to jog past a

There was a little old lady standing at a corner. She had both hands holding her hat on while the

A blonde was standing on the river bank looking confused when she spotted another blonde across the

A DOCTOR at an asylum decided to take his inmates to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached

A new young blonde bride calls her mother in tears. She sobs, "Robert doesn't appreciate what I do

A man was sitting at home one evening, when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, a 6 foot

Frank was excited about his new rifle, and decided to try bear hunting. He spotted a small brown

A lady was standing on a street corner waiting for a bus when she happened to notice a weight machine.

Four older men stand on the first tee. Just as Ralph is about to hit his tee shot, a funeral procession

Lil' Johnny's mother took her 5 year old son with her to the bank on a busy Friday. They were in

A travelling salesman of agricultural machinery was on a three week tour through the hinterlands of

While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear

A rookie police officer was out for his first ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call

An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the

At the Urinal, An accountant, a lawyer and a cowboy were standing side-by-side using the urinal. The

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. 2. Learn to work the toilet seat; if

Alaskan Birthday Party Sam has been in business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day,

It was early one morning when the Pastor heard a noise outside his door. When he opened it, he found

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how TRUE this is! They actually have a chili

The parish was very poor and the priest tried everything he could to raise money. But the Bingo

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly

An Irishman who had a little to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car

Three men were trekking through the desert and came across a magician. The magician was standing at

St Peter is standing at heaven's gate when a man walks up. "Welcome to heaven my son. What did you

A man tells a doctor, "I think my wife's going deaf. What can I do?" The doctor says, "Well, try

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners

A guy goes to a girl's house for the first time, and she shows him into the living room. She excuses

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day,

A farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed them for ham and bacon. After several weeks, he notices

Father O''Grady was standing at the door after Sunday Mass, when Mary Clancy came up to him, tears

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred,

Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing.

Back in the old Wild West, there were two blond cowpokes, Jeff and Dave. One day, the two were enjoying

A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $ 5,000 and feels really good about the

A truck driver would amuse himself by running over lawyers he would see walking down the side of the

A man who had spent his whole life in the desert visited a friend. He'd never seen a train or the tracks

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for all the major status figures in Rome, Italy.

A middle-aged couple, with two beautiful daughters, An autopsy professor was giving an introductory