state

Warning on a curling iron: Do Not Insert Curling Iron Into Any Bodily Orifice... My bathroom has inadequate

On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said: "Sir, do you realize your wife fell

Enough with the Poking, Lets Just Have Sex He pokes her, she pokes him, they poke each other back

A man was in a long line at Target. As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms,

A man walks into a bank,yells at the old lady at the teller window, he needs to open a "fuckin bank account".

A little town had a high birth rate that had attracted the attention of the sociologists at the state

An Asian guy is having his "SNACK" (bread and jam) when an American man chuckling chewing gum, sits down

3 Men are walking through the jungle when they are captured by native tribesman. The tribesman take the

Mr Samy Vellu attends a UN meeting on space exploration by 2008. He is representing the Malaysian Prime

Three guys died and went to heaven. St Paul was there looking down at the three of them, one is a reknowned

An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While China, he is very sexually promiscuous and does not

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car

At a seminar called "Stress and Disease" by Dr. Nickolas Hall, an expert in psychobiology, gave an example

In Scotland, the most important time for a young lad is when he "comes of age" and is allowed to purchase

This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities

Mark your calendar with the multitude of holidays

1. How many trarlokks does it take to trokkclap

Me and my wife are almost inseparable, why just

Gaye Males - Real Estate Agent Rodger Bumpass

Three Texas plastic surgeons were playing golf

Saddam Hussein and President George W. Bush meet

Three Texas plastic surgeons were playing golf

James Bond walks intoa bar and takes a seat next

FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS, CLASS OF 2003! First of all

A young man goes out and buys the best car on the

CNN Late Breaking News! It has been reported that

How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb? ââ,¬Å"Such

10. For your birthday, you get the head of an infidel

10. Splash on a little goat's blood. 9. Play romantic

This week, the Bush administration finally released

Ignoring the fact that George Bush declined Saddam

An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks

1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon

Traditional Capitalism: You have two cows. You

Valentines Day is here again, and with it the perfect

Be brave -- ask US for more money. Salt and pepper

SICKNESS AND RELATED LEAVE: We will no longer

A man takes his wife to a livestock show. They

A guy was driving his truck along the interstate,

"There are only two reasons to sit in the back

Two guys are drinking together, when one of them

1. My fellow Americans, I have taken much into

Three guys: a Canadian, Osama bin Laden, and Uncle

Fifty Ways To Annoy Osama bin Laden If You're Invited

If you have a Virginia Tech football player and

Here's what the heck they mean in the Lone Star

486: The average IQ needed to understand a PC.

Q: How do you get a Maryland graduate off your

10) You have to explain to most foreigners that

A few clues to being a true Louisianan: 1. Your

A member of the United States Senate, known for

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." ...George

POST GAME DISCUSSION Two Rams fans were standing

A man walks up to the whitehouse and shouts to

SEX CONTRACT I, _______________________, hereby

And the Lord spoke to Noah: ''In six months I'm

10) You married your cousin's brother's wife 9)

Bill and Ned walk into a fast food joint one afternoon

Q: Will I be reincarnated? A: Not unless there

Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a

What's the state flower of West Virginia? A

The finals of the National Poetry Contest last

This woman is rushed to the hospital in critical

This middle-aged guy wakes up one morning and notices

A new contract for Santa has finally been negotiated.

Police arrested Joe Bloggs, a 27-year old white

The U.S. Government decided to take an experiment

Dr. Schambaugh, of the University of Oklahoma School

The elderly man told his wife he was going to sign

10. Nobody cares if you act stupid. 9. You can

Some time ago President Clinton was hosting a state

A group of hikers were being led through the wilderness

A blonde was driving across several states to go

There was a man with a restaurant near a construction

A blonde has been working in a broom factory since

A rather confident young man walks into a bar and

Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the state fair

A thief stuck a pistol in a man's ribs and said,

What is the best thing coming out of Iowa? Interstate

St. Peter was standing outside the gates of heaven

ARKANSAS STATE RESIDENCY APPLICATION Name:

10) ''They told me at the blood bank this might

A man was out of town on business. While sitting

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on an

Two immigrants arrive in the United States and

How many lawyers does it take to change a light

A student is taking his final exams. He takes his

Q:What does Bob Dole and the Empire State building

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced

Q: Two blondes are standing on top of the Empire

A man and and a woman from Alabama don't want any

Yo mama is so fat, she has a tattoo of the United

A man goes to a doctor for his annual prostate

When a doctor is checking your prostate gland,

* The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, ''What's

A state trooper spied a car puttering along at

The strident prosecutor begins: ''Ladies and

1. You live in the center of the universe 2. Your

Two guys are speeding through Texas when a state

What were Bill Clinton's Final Four picks?

Yo mama is so stupid she went to the Empire State

These two persons are discussing whether the state

A fellow walks into a bar very down on himself.

A freshman at Eagle Rock Junior High won first

A man visits the doctor's because he has a severe

Transcript of the actual radio conversation of

Element: Woman Symbol: Wo Discoverer: Adam

WASHINGTON STATE ATTORNEY SEASON AND BAG LIMITS

What do you get when you have a basement full of

* It can be up or down. It's more fun when it's

You're so fat, you use Interstate 95 as a slip

Knock knock! Who's there? Amaryllis.

When an attractive young girl returned from her

A survey of top personnel executives of 100 major

A man walks into a pub and says, "Give me three

    White House staffers were perplexed

As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I can get

When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first

JESUS is the Lord's shepherd. ELVIS dated Cybill

I called a company and asked to speak to Bob.

   As you grow older, what lost

A fellow bought a new Corvette and was out on an

    A woman walks into her accountant's

A big shot businessman had to spend a couple of

The Atlanta School Board, feeling left out by the

1) You define summer as three months of bad

But Doctor, You HAVE To! In Turkey, Mehmet Esirgen, 52,

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates

In Scotland, the most important time for a young

I did not do it in a car I did not do it

This should be sung to the tune "A Few of

An Ohio State University mortician student walked

    Every night after dinner, Merle

An old guy walks into a bar and asks for a bottle

Those who have it would be devastated if it

For a couple years I've been blaming it on iron

Saddam Hussein and George W. Bush meet up in Baghdad

    An OHIO STATE UNIVERSITY mortician

Our Rights: The following was written by State

    13> Driving your fellow Congressman

September 15     

Dress Code: 1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary. 2) If we see

A brash young man strolls into a bar and takes a seat next to a stunningly attractive woman. He gives

Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, were chatting about their relationships

Police arrested Malcolm Davidson, a 27 year-old white male resident of Wilmington, NC, in a pumpkin

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself ~~'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.' --

Four United States Presidents get caught up in a tornado.... and off they whirled to the land

A terrific explosion occurs in a gunpowder factory, and once all the mess has been cleared up, and

The only cow in a small Kentucky town stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found

Once my divorce was final, I went to the local Department of Motor Vehicles and asked to have my maiden

A US Air Force C-141 is scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland at midnight. During the pilot's

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of the Granville Presbyterian

The ambitious coach of a girls track team gives the squad steroids. The teams performance soars. They

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the

Dress Code: 1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary. 2) If we see

A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO It is also the most

The Pope just finished a tour of the East Coast and was taking a limousine to the airport. Since he'd

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, "Esther,

Rules for hunting lawyers Washington state attorney season and bag limits -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1300.01

Congress Votes to Outsource Presidency, Washington, DC (AP) Congress today announced that the office

(Actual letter from an Iowa resident and sent to his senator) The Honorable Tom Harkin 731 Hart

Old tribal wisdom says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible

A blonde's car gets a flat tire on the Interstate one day So she eases it over onto the shoulder of

Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age? Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old. Defense

Some time ago Mr. Clinton was hosting a state dinner when at the last minute his regular cook took

I've sure gotten old. I've had 2 By-pass surgeries. A hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal

When young Jose, newly arrived in the United States, made his first trip to Yankee Stadium, there were

On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons. Early one morning, the woman

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of a small Florida church found

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a

Hang on to any of the new State of Alabama quarters. If you have them; they may be worth much more

Willie Nelson's public statement regarding being caught with a bag of marijuana recently: "It's

welve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row,

A Hawaii woodpecker and a California woodpecker were arguing about which place had the toughest trees.

"Hillary Clinton's 506-page memoirs has come out. So much of her personality shines through, that

An Afghanistan diplomat visiting the US for the first time was being wined and dined by the State

Two couples went on a vacation together. One of the men stated, "Our sex life has become routine

You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track. Logic is a systematic method

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.On their wedding night, she told

Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, "I never want to live

While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a U.S. Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale

A father believed that his son was spending way too much time playing computer games. In an effort

Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help

Prior to her trip to Texas, Buffy (a New Yorker) confided to her co-workers she had three goals for

WASHINGTON, D.C. - A white house source stated that Congress is considering awarding Vice-President

9. Promises to improve foreign relations with Hawaii. 8. Runs a series of attack ads against Martin

Try this... On your way home from work, stop at a pharmacy and purchase a rectal thermometer made

A Georgia State Trooper pulled a car over on I-95 about 2 miles south of the Georgia/South Carolina

In case you have been waiting breathlessly for this year's Darwin Awards, here they are. The awards

A Somali arrives in Minneapolis as a new immigrant to the United States. He stops the first person

No matter what you do or where you go, you're always going to be yourself. And Panexa knows this. Your

Subject: PRESIDENTIAL LIBRARY DESTROYED BY FLOOD ... GEORGE W. BUSH PRESIDENTIAL LIBRARY DESTROYED

A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her, "Just so you know, I never

The coach had put together the perfect team for the New Orleans Saints. The only thing missing was

A young fellow at the state fair stood watching an old Indian. Above the old Indian was a sign that

Save all manner of bacon grease. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let

Name of Boyfriend/Fiancé/Husband: I request permission for a leave of absence from the highest

Well after all the witch hunts over the years by the French trying to prove he was using illegal substances.....they

1. The patient refused autopsy. 2. The patient has no previous history of suicides. 3. Patient

If Recipes were like tax forms.... * Line 1. Butter, a minimum of half a pound (8 oz.), but not

A big shot executive had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding. The state trooper smells

1. "I got kicked out of Riverdance for using my arms." - Michael Flatley (lead Riverdancer) 2.

In the year 2005, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said, "Once

From: Chief of Operations Subject: Proper Narrative Descriptions It has come to our attention from

1. What does the average Iowa player get on his SAT's? Drool. 2. What do you get when you put 32

Differential Theory of US Armed Forces (Snake Model) upon encountering a snake in the Area of Operations

A man goes into hospital for a vasectomy. When he wakes up he's surrounded by several anxious looking

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia formally

Sitting on the edge of the highway waiting to catch speeders, a state police officer saw a car driving

Note: Sometimes a story comes along that needs no polishing or enhancement to make it better.

A Mexican man becomes an instant millionaire after winning the lottery. With his newfound wealth,

Alabama: Yes, We Have Electricity Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong! Arizona: But It's A

The NHL Players Association (NHLPA) announced today that they are upset at the NHL for planning to

To the citizens of the United States of America: In the light of your failure to elect a competent

Bubba Joe's first military assignment was to a military induction center, and--because he was a good

[The year would not be complete without the Darwin Awards - awarded every year to the persons who

Written by Phil Maggitti Going to War with the Army that We Want. WASHINGTON, D.C. - President

"People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on

George Carlin Speaks Out... I Am Your Worst Nightmare. I am a BAD American. I am George Carlin. I

PRESS RELEASE: Prime Minister of Canada to Visit Washington Statement by the Press Secretary President

A West Virginia State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-79. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?" The

Hang on to any of the new State of Arkansas quarters. If you have them, they may be worth much more

Married Priests in Catholic Church a Long Time Coming Prosecutors Want Victim in Courtroom During

Some people say that I'm superficial, but that's just on the surface. On one hand, I'm indecisive;

10 INDISPUTABLE TRUTHS BLACK PEOPLE KNOW, BUT WHITE PEOPLE WON'T ADMIT: 1. Elvis is dead. 2.

You live in Arizona when.. 1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade. 2. You

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as

Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a cow born in Canada

This is the best lawyer story of the year, decade, and probably the century. A Charlotte, NC, lawyer

It's time once again to consider the candidates for the annual Stella Awards. The Stella's are named

FINE This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to

We are sick and tired of hearing about how dumb people in the South are. We challenge any so-called

Two men are driving through Pennsylvania when they get pulled over by a State Trooper. The cop walks

Can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 500 employees and has the following statistics: *29

A US Air Force C-141 was scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland at midnight. During the pilot's

A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play.

1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I wan' all dem kids to do what I do,

You are different and that's bad. Pop goes the hamster......and other great microwave games. What

Here are some observations about the politicians who run our country. They are from a Washington, D.C.travel

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor

This is a test for men only and all "real men" will answer "C" to all of these questions. However,

Johnny and his wife went to the State Fair every year. Every year Johnny would say, "I'd like to ride

1. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards,

Dilbert's Salary Theorem states that Engineers and scientists can never earn as much as business executives

A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale has hit Mexico. 150,000 Mexicans

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitols. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me,

Police arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22-year-old white male, resident of Dacula, GA, in a pumpkin patch

DRESS CODE It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you

Ahmed came to the United States from Iraq, and was here only a few months when he became very ill.

NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial

A plastic surgeon invented a radical new face lift procedure and was explaining it to a prospective

The Wisconsin State Dept of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen and golfers

For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much partying, but now I found out

The following story was written by Andrew Marlatt. It first appeared on SatireWire on Feb. 1, 2002

The makers of French's Mustard made the following recent statement: "We at the French's Company

A gastroenterologist claims these are actual comments made by his patients made while he was performing

At an outdoor press conference, Al Gore was addressing harsh criticism of being "lifeless as a statue." "That

Every Sunday, a little old lady placed $1,000 in the collection plate. This went on for weeks until

A new young blonde bride calls her mother in tears. She sobs, "Robert doesn't appreciate what I do

A lady is golfing with some friends. After sinking her first putt, she's on her way down the path

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry midterm. The answer

A young fellow at the state fair stood watching an old Indian. Above the old Indian was a sign that

A man was in a long line at the grocery store. As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten

Lil' Johnny's mother took her 5 year old son with her to the bank on a busy Friday. They were in

DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You

A man takes his wife to the cattle show. They start heading down the alley that houses all the bulls.

A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives

A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a 1999 Ferrari GTO. It is also most expensive

This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation between a US naval ship and Canadian authorities

A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, "We have special requirements

A new Mercedes owner was out on an interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze

A man walks into a store to buy a Barbie doll for his daughter. "How much is that Barbie in the window?",

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how TRUE this is! They actually have a chili

A Bible study group was discussing the unforeseen possibility of sudden death. "We will all die

Two men were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freight vessel. While

A tourist from Bulgaria visited the United States on his first overseas trip. Upon arrival at the Immigration

A man woke up every morning and passed gas. After about eight or nine years of marriage, his wife finally

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his

A nervous taxpayer was unhappily conversing with the IRS tax auditor who had come to review his records.

Two guys driving through Texas get pulled over by a state trooper. The cop walks up and taps on the

A one dollar bill met a 20 dollar bill and said, "Hey, where've you been? I haven't seen you around

On little Larry's first day of first grade, he raised his hand as soon as the teacher came into the

The old pastor made it to a practice to visit the parish school one day a week. He walked into the

During his visit to the United States, the Pope met with President Clinton. Instead of just an hour

A state trooper pulls a car over on a lonely back road and approaches the blonde lady driver. "Ma'am,

A man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist asked, "Yes

A man received a bill for his as yet unused credit card stating that he owed $0.00. He ignored it and

A young man was delighted to finally be asked home to meet the parents. He was quite nervous about

An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation,

Every night after dinner, Merle took off for the local watering hole. He would spend the whole evening

A defendant was on trial for murder in Oklahoma. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there

Two men are drinking in a bar at the top of the Empire State Building. One turns to the other and says:

A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked him what he was doing there.

A man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist asked, "Yes

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss concerned about all his employees well