stick

Warning on a curling iron: Do Not Insert Curling Iron Into Any Bodily Orifice... My bathroom has inadequate

In San Francisco, a man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into a local branch and wrote,

An Arab has spent many days crossing the desert without finding a source of water. It gets so bad that

A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out the camel suddenly

The other day, my friends and I went to a "Ladies Night Club."One of the girls wanted to impress the

First-year students at a Medical School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, Harry,

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the

An Arab has spent many days crossing the desert without finding a source of water. It gets so bad that

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts

The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of

Ali married Aminah. Ali was so innocent that he did not know how to consummate the marriage (actually

A man goes to a restaurant and orders a chicken dish. By the time the food is ready and he is about to

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble

Two little potatoes are standing on the street

10. Wanna come play on my slip and slide? 9.

Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers

Once upon a time there were three little pigs.

A drunk in a bar barfs all over his own shirt.

A motorcycle cop pulled over a Lamborghini Diablo

Little Johnny and his grandfather have gone fishing.

A man walked in to his local butcher to find his

Q: Why was Tigger sticking his head in the toilet? A:

Yo mama's so fat, she applies lip stick with a

Yo mama so nasty, she makes Speed Stick deodorant

Two men are sitting around drinking. One guys says

FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS, CLASS OF 2003! First of all

A young man goes out and buys the best car on the

How do you drown a blonde? Put a scratch-n-sniff

A kangaroo walks into a bar. He tells the bartender,

Osama and Saddam are walking through a desert when

Yo mama smells so nasty, she makes speed stick

Angelina Jolie: Puckered squid in mammary sauce

1. If being chased through town, you can usually

An old farmer went to town to see a movie. The

Yo mama is like a postage stamp - you lick, you

"My Army invaded Kuwait and all I got was this

Yo mama like a stamp: You lick her stick her then

The American Dairy Association was so successful

1. They always wear protection 2. They

Yo mama so poor, when you ring her bell, she sticks

Dear Mr. Blix, Welcome to Iraq! It is so good

1. ââ,¬Å"If my heart were a baked potato,

A penguin walks into a bar and asks for a sandwich

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He

Say, "Damn, officer, you must have been going

An old farmer went to town to see a movie. The

It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered

Years of straining with poopie-ing, we can only

According to a news report, a certain private school

If you think no Christmas dinner is complete

Tonto and the Lone Ranger were riding across the

I hate aspects of this time of year. Not for its

December 1 - Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey.

Women got off the Titanic first. Women can scare

The Keith Richards: Smoked lungfish on a toasted

Why was Harry Potter kicked out of Hogwarts? He

Harry Potter and the Throbbing Muscle of Love Harry

It's legal to earn money playing hockey Many people

(tip: don't try these if you're not willing to

1. I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no

What does McDonalds and Michael Jackson have in

Why does Gary Condit's hair always stick up? He's

What's grosser than gross? Ten babies in one mail

Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look

More beer. More cheese. More sex. Vitamin fortified

With the overwhelming response to the CBS hit "Survivor",

The bumper sticker on your car reads: "What Would

I'M GLAD I'M A MAN I'm glad I'm a man, you better

Two guys are at the doctor's office, each has got

1) The president is not in his/her office at this

Before you leave your house... 1. Put on a little

Never trust a dog to watch your food. - Patrick,

An Irishman and Englishman and a Scotsman walk

How do you make five pounds of fat look sexy?

A virgin boy turns 18, and asks his dad for money

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead team were sent

There was this Indian who just came back from a

A new contract for Santa has finally been negotiated.

1) Large, loft-style apartments in New York City

So this guy is in Rhode Island hunting for geese.

''Did you ever find the guy?'' ''What guy?''

A man's occupation is to stick his cockulation

Three girls named Samantha, Janet and Rebecca were

Q: Why did they let the turkey join the band?

A man strolls into a pharmacy and asks the assistant

This guy goes to the doctors office and tells the

The other day I saw a ''Honk if you love Jesus''

1.Stick your palm open under the stall wall and

"What do you want to be when you grow up?" "A

What do Michael Jackson and McDonalds have in common?

Love's a sensation caused by temptation, a guy

Back in the day, when they stamped each can in

Some time ago President Clinton was hosting a state

Jack be nimble, Jack be quick Jack jumped over

If your ass was any more jiggly, Bill Cosby would

Q: Why doesn't Australia have any cheerleaders?

One day, a man was golfing when he hit his ball

How To Shower Like A Woman... * Take off clothing

This guy was really sleepy and needed a place to

What does a blonde do when her computer freezes?

How can you tell if a blonde was trying to drive

There was a brave with no sexual experience. He

A bald man with one leg wanted to go to a fancy

A kid walks by his parents having sex asks what's

Three fans are walking to Fenway Park for the Red

There was a guy that was stranded on an island.

Q: What is the difference between a woman with

Three drifters are roaming the countryside for

It is a normal drill day at the Marine base in

Bill Gates is hanging out with the chairman of

What do you get when you cross a centipede with

Two guys are drinking in a bar. Soon, a gorgeous

There was a cowboy and an Indian riding through

This guy who works at a pickle factory comes home

If you throw a party, the worst thing you can do

Little Joey was sitting in the back of class rubbing

A brunette is walking through the country, when

A couple had been married 10 years. One afternoon,

Yo mama is just like a campfire -- everyone gets

There was a soldier that enlisted in the army to

There was a guy on the beach with about 25 gorgeous

You so skinny, you strap popsicle sticks to your

What is the difference between a woman a pool

Two guys were driving down the road when they

Your armpits are so smelly they make speedstick

A 47 year-old lady gets a facelift. It turns out

There was an Indian chief who wanted to show his

One night, Sam went out drinking only to find the

Your mama's like a postage stamp: you lick her,

One night two drunks were wandering the town trying

MEMORANDUM RE: Computer Software Warning Last

(which in our society means over 25) An older

Three guys are in a strip club. One guy walks over

Yo' mama's lips so big, she doesn't use chapstick

A man took a poop in a gas station and then realized

An Aggie and a Longhorn had just bought a ranch

Yo Mama is so fat, she puts on lipstick with a

You're so anal retentive, you could stick a piece

A couple went to church every week, but every

How is a blonde like a postage stamp? You

(Disclaimer--Some of this stuff is illegal.) *Ask

A guy walks into a bar with an alligator. It's

One day a traveling salesman was driving down a

There was this one lady that bought a jar of pickles

Q: How can you tell a blonde's been in your fridge?

Q: How do you know that a blonde has been playing

A reporter asked Henry Ford the secret of his successful

The blonde walks into a drugstore and asks the

A man goes into a psychiatric hospital to visit

A Canadian was in France, out of his wallet he

Three dicks are talking about what their owners

There was a horny young lady named Lil, Who fucked

A woman visits her physician. After waiting for

There once was a man with a bald head and a pegleg

Why did the blonde have lipstick all over her steering

Q: What can a goose do, that a duck can't do and

Q: What do you get when you stick 32 rednecks in

* Take shopping carts for the express purpose of

How do you make a baby drink? Stick it in the

A train hits a bus load of nuns and they all perish.

What is the difference between a joystick and a

10) He is getting amazingly fast at typing with

Q: Who has the right of way any time? A: The

A guy sticks his head in the door of a barber shop

An old man and an old woman are sitting in a nursing

* The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, ''What's

A mystery-lover takes his place in the theater

A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus

A man sees a growth coming out from the center

Mr. Jones was an old man with Alzheimer's who lived

* We got off the Titanic first. * We can scare

Man who stick face in punchbowl get punch in nose.

Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come

10) Are poisonous snakes really venomous? 9) Is

This farmer has 500 hens but no rooster so he goes

Why do blondes wear green lipstick? Because

Bob, a lawyer, was driving home over the Golden

There was a guy walking down the street when he

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come

Once there was a bear taking a dump in the forest.

How do you piss off Winnie the Pooh? By

A young man joined the Army and signed up with

When someone says: ''Suck it'' or ''Blow me,''

There were these two guys at the pub, and one guy

A dwarf and a normal woman met at a party. The

Q: Why does the blonde Avon Lady walk funny?

A guy was walking down the road, to a city about

Q: Why do dogs lick their balls? A: Because they

What is brown and sticky? A stick.

1: Passionate kiss like spider's web. Soon lead

A man walks in his room after work and is suprised

A man and his monkey walk into a bar. The man walks

A couple has just finished having sex. They ALWAYS

Why did the blonde put lipstick on her forehead?

Tell yo' mama to stop changing the color of her

What goes in hard and comes out sticky and wet?

A car decided not to stop for a stop sign but

Man visits doctor with apple stuck in mouth,

Two blondes are driving down the freeway chugging

Q. How can you tell when a blonde has been using

There was a man once that was always talking about

Two rednecks are driving down the highway, drinking

What do you get when you cross a rooster with a

What's hard and hairy and sticks out of a mans

Three men went into a stripper bar and this stripper

The following are a sampling of REAL answers

Once there were 3 little pigs who lived together

A bald man with a peg leg gets invited to a costume

Q. Why are guys faster than girls? A. They

Man who drop watch in toilet bound to have shitty

What's grosser than gross? When you throw your

A blonde walked into a gas station and said to

A man goes to his doctor and says, ''Doctor, Doctor,

How can you tell if your girlfriend really likes

Squawks are problems left behind by airplane pilots

You stink so bad you make Right Guard turn left,

A dentist is talking to his patient about the sanitary

One day a farmer was sitting around with one of

Q: What's the difference between a female lawyer

Q: What can a goose do, that a duck can''t do and

You might be a redneck if you clean your fingernails

Yo mama's so smelly, her Sure deodorant is confused

1. The mouse is referred to as a "critter."

    A guy sticks his head into a

A man who smelled like a distillery flopped down

Twas the Night before Christmas, and all through

It was mailman George's last day on the job after

1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB -- $850/offer AMANA

"I'm going fishing." Really means... "I'm going

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to

1. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

A little boy is playing with his new football and

    Two Italian virgins get married

This is from an actual trial in the UK.    

Q: How does a redneck tell the difference between

Are you considering having children? To determine

1) Everyone around you has an attitude problem. 2)

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed

But Doctor, You HAVE To! In Turkey, Mehmet Esirgen, 52,

Santa was very cross. It was Christmas Eve and

A guy walks in to a bar with his pet monkey. He

A guy walked into a pro-shop with a gorilla. "Is

Once upon a time, there was a little old man who

    A herd of buffalo can only move

Two church members were going door to door, and

People are always on the lookout for a new diet.

No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize

Our Rights: The following was written by State

From an article in the Wall Street Journal, about

"Doctor, my child has swallowed a magnet!" "Don't panic, the magnet should pass through his system

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique

Next time you have a bad day at work...think of this guy: Rob is a commercial saturation diver for

Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually, she slept throught the class.

A drunk man who smelled like booze sat down on a bench next to a priest. The man's tie was stained,

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.

A blonde goes into a coffee shop and notices there's a "peel and win" sticker on her coffee cup. So

A minister concluded that his church was getting into serious financial troubles. Coincidentally,

"I'M GOING FISHING" Means: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream

There was a Midwestern phone company that was going to hire one team of telephone pole installers,

A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO It is also the most

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them?

TWO DUCK HUNTERS FROM WISCONSIN: ABSOLUTELY A TRUE STORY HEARD ON A WISCONSIN RADIO STATION REPORTING

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the

Grandma's letter; She is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes: Dear

Some time ago Mr. Clinton was hosting a state dinner when at the last minute his regular cook took

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. Garden

A teacher notices that a little boy at the back of the class is squirming around, scratching his

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's

Two married friends are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says, "You know I don't

When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the

Panicking when her toddler swallowing a tiny magnet; my sister, Betty, rushed him to the emergency

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags, one in each hand. There's

Ma was in the kitchen fiddlin around when she hollars out... "Pa you need to fix the outhouse!" Pa

Dear Dogs and Cats, The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes

In a small Southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone

10. Your Viagra prescription includes a Popsicle stick and some duct tape. 9. The only 100% covered

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself

And your crybaby whinny opinion would be...? This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting. I

AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659---CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY A lady about 8 months pregnant got on

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God... "Lord, I have a problem!" "What's the

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds

THE WIT AND THE WISDOM OF HOMER J.SIMPSON "Now son, you don't want to drink beer. That''s for Daddys,

Old Farmer Went To Town To See A Movie The Ticket Agent Asked, "sir, What's That On Your Shoulder?"

A man is in his front yard attempting to fly a kite with his son. However, every time the kite gets

A minister concluded that his church was getting into serious financial troubles. While checking the

You Know You've Had Too Much Christmas Cheer When... 1. You notice your tie sticking out of your

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of sh*t . 2. I don't know what your

A little boy was playing with a worm one day at his grandpa's house. Grandpa jokingly tells the young

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.

Two rednecks are driving down the highway, drinking their beer, when flashing lights from a policeman

Here's why . According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were kids in the 40's,

Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out.... "Pa, You need to go out and fix the

CHILD : Dad, where did I come from? DAD : Okay, we had to have this conversation some day!......

There are a lot of folks who can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in America. Well,

Jesus loves you...but everyone else thinks you are an ass. Impotence...Nature's way of saying

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington recently was faced with a unique

Warning on a bottle of drain cleaner: "If you do not understand, or cannot read, all directions,

A girl from Louisiana and a girl from the east coast were seated side by side on an airplane. The

After eight days of backpacking with my wife, we were looking pretty scruffy. One morning she came

Here are some conversations that actually happened between help desk people and their customers. Customer:

I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your bed rock. I can't find my puppy, can you

Two men are driving through Pennsylvania when they get pulled over by a State Trooper. The cop walks

Two cars were waiting at a stoplight. The light turned green, but the man didn't notice it. A woman

A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party. He doesn't know what costume to wear

1. When you get pulled over, say "What's wrong, ossifer, there's no blood in my alcohol?" 2. When

18. If you can't feed 'em, don't breed 'em!" 17. Jesus loves you...but everyone else thinks

A Lady about seven months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.

This memo is to announce the development of a new software system which will be Year 2000 compliant.

A blonde had just totalled her car in a horrific road accident but miraculously, she managed to pry

The following story was written by Andrew Marlatt. It first appeared on SatireWire on Feb. 1, 2002

A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His camel dies of thirst. He's crawling

A guy sticks his head in the barber shop and asks, "How long before I can et a haircut?" The barber

A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next to a priest. The drunk's

Lone Ranger and Tonto are riding across the plains when Tonto stops suddenly, climbs down, and puts his

A policeman cruising past a bar after closing time notices two motor bikes still parked out front.

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near an abandoned gas station. They approached the gas

A farmer in the country noticed that a gentleman would fish at the lake (close to the farmer's house)

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual

Guy in a bar playing pool has a pet monkey. Monkey jumps onto the table, grabs the cue ball and stuffs

1.) "If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all

A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went through the standard training,

There was a girl who went to sunday school and always fell asleep. One day the teacher asked and pointed

The blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some bottom deodorant. The pharmacist,

Farmer Gossman goes to the vet and says, "My horse is constipated." The vet says, "Take one of

A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer. "If I lose

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks "Hey, Buddy! how long before I can get a haircut?" The

A fellow stopped at a rural gas station and after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home

Two guys driving through Texas get pulled over by a state trooper. The cop walks up and taps on the

A policeman cruising past a pub after closing time notices two motor bikes still parked out the front.

A lady about seven months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.

A travelling ventriloquist on the road in between jobs decided to practice his craft before his next

A bear is sitting in the middle of a forest taking the biggest shit of his life and feeling dam good

Two Martians land in the middle of the night in a closed gas station. They get out of their space ship.

Two unemployed guys are talking. One says, "I'm going to become a lion tamer." The other replies, "That's

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained,

After driving for about six hours, a trucker decides to pull over and sleep for a little while. As

A principal of a small middle school had a problem with a few of the older girls starting to use

It was George the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all