still

- How do you define optimism? - A banker who irons five shirts on a Sunday. - What is the diffrence

Last year, my friend upgraded his GirlFriend 3.1 to GirlFriendPlus1.0 (marketing name: Fiancee1.0). Recently

Customer: "I received the software update you sent, but I am still getting the same error message." Tech

There was a huge nut tree by the cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and

This one is long but well worth reading!In case your frustration level rises today, this is for everyone

A man with a 20-inch penis went to his doctor to complain that he was unable to get any women to have

One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered

There was girl who was a prostitute, but her grandmother didn't know about her occupation.One day, the

A very 'straight and honest' girl is going to Town. Before she left, her mother gave her some advice:

Michael Jordan made over $300,000 a game. That equals $10,000 a minute, at an average of 30 minutes per

A wife arrived home from a shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed naked, with a

There was this little boy about 12 years old walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a

A young man called John died and he went to Heaven to begin his afterlife journey. However, he was stopped

The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his late

A man had been driving all night and by morning was still far from his destination. He decided to stop

Maria had just got married and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party.She got a terrible headache and told her husband

A Husband and Wife go to the hospital to deliver their child. The doctor meets them and tells them that

How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.The most effective

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's.He shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter

The young clerk's responsibilities included bringing the judge a hot cup of coffee at the start of every

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts

A man was on trial for selling drugs, and a neighbor was called as a witness. ,The defense attorney asked,

A king travels through the desert, when he suddenly discovers a man captured under a big rock, he throws

One day, an "Ang Moh" from USA arrived at KLIA Airport. After he checked out from the customs,he felt

One morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when she notices a strange little man at the bottom

TEACHER: Why are you late?WEBSTER: Because of the sign.TEACHER: What sign?WEBSTER: The one that says,

In Scotland, the most important time for a young lad is when he "comes of age" and is allowed to purchase

A sixteen year old girl went to a priest for confession."Father, I called a guy son of a bitch yesterday.""Why

Ali married Aminah. Ali was so innocent that he did not know how to consummate the marriage (actually

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and

There's this guy who's in the market for a used motorcycle. Always wanted a nice big hog. So he's shopping

RelationshipsWhen a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and

Back in the time of the Samurai there was a powerful emperor who needed anew head Samurai so he sent

Between the ages of 15 - 20 a woman is like Africa.She is half discovered, half wild.Between the ages

In a small airplane there were four people: the pilot, the Pope, Bill Gates and a hitchhiker. They were

One night, George W. Bush is tossing restlessly

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night

1. How many trarlokks does it take to trokkclap

When will women be equal to men? When they can

One night, George W. Bush is tossing restlessly

A woman goes to see a psychiatrist. ââ,¬Å"Doctor,ââ,¬Â

Nervous Taxi Driver A passenger in a taxi leaned

One morning, a blonde decides to do a jig-saw puzzle

Two blondes meet in Heaven. "How did you die?",

Yo mama so dumb, she wrote anti-anti-jokes to be

A Canadian, an American and a China man are stranded

A man walks into a bar and orders shots for the

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender if

A young man goes out and buys the best car on the

Two doctors opened an office in a small town. They

A blind man walks into a bar, taps the man next

There was a man who loved baked beans, but they

Saddam Hussein was sitting down wondering who to

Yo mama is so fat, yo daddy is still climbing.

AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows. BULLETIN:

1. If being chased through town, you can usually

* When speaking fast you can make yourself sound

The Geography of a Woman Between the ages of

This week, the Bush administration finally released

James was on the beach, and could not understand

Two gorgeous blonde biologists were in the field

A blonde began a job as an elementary school counselor

An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks

A truck driver had a 2 day lay-over during the

Eddie went shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally

A guy goes to a house of prostitution. He selects

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on

1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon

I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I

1. ââ,¬Å"If my heart were a baked potato,

But everybody looks funny naked! You woke me

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He

A young mother was having a consultation with a

In a city park stood two statues, one female and

Years of straining with poopie-ing, we can only

Questions and answers selected from tests in Springdale,

At a nursing home in Florida, a group of senior

You've lost the feeling below your ankles. When

A highway patrol officer was driving up a mountain

A man was nervously pacing around the waiting room

A man had a terrible passion for baked beans, but

What's the difference between Osama bin Laden and

1. My fellow Americans, I have taken much into

Why are there no female astronauts on the moon?

How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges? What

A blind man walks into a bar, taps the man next

I think Santa Claus is a woman... I hate to be

Road rage: Who gives a BEEP! Why not raise a

A pancake that has fallen on the kitchen floor

What's the difference between a blonde and a hole

What's the difference between a wife and a job?

This small Latino man walks into a bar, sits, and

A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with

There were two old guys, Abe and Sol, sitting on

George Bush is so stupid, he's still looking for

All quotes 100% authentic, and courtesey of George

10) My fellow Americans, I have been lying to you

Bush is my shepherd I shall not lie He leadeth

A blonde buys two horses and she can't tell them

1. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes. 2.

A few clues to being a true Louisianan: 1. Your

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." ...George

You're convinced that chirping birds are Satan's

1. Two World Wars and one World Cup 2. Proper

And the Lord spoke to Noah: ''In six months I'm

11) I'm spiking the punch at the reception. That'll

Q: How can you tell if a blonde is a redneck? A:

On a beautiful deserted island in the middle of

There once was this guy who was going on a date

Old Mrs. Watkins awoke one spring morning to find

God, Jesus and John the Baptist are playing golf

Wife #1: Hey, Lynn, tell me this. How did you get

There was a 80 year-old man that married a 21 year-old

Once upon a workday dreary, my stomach grumbled

A Scottish wife, an English wife, and an Irish

Never trust a dog to watch your food. - Patrick,

There was a man who owned a giant gorilla and he'd

This middle-aged guy wakes up one morning and notices

Two guys are sitting next to each other on an airplane. "The

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead team were sent

Q: Why does Ford still manufacture cars and trucks?

A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care

Two aliens land their plasmic cosmo craft in Jack

There once was a little kid named Billy who loved

1) Large, loft-style apartments in New York City

A man drives to a gas station and has his tank

There are three men in the bathroom, two Englishmen

This guy goes to the doctors office and tells the

There once was a toad that was excluded from all

There was a nintey-year-old lady who was still

Dr. Schambaugh, of the University of Oklahoma School

There was this guy that went to the doctor to get

One day this guy goes in to the doctor's office

Q: My fiancee still has feelings for his old girlfriends.

There was a woman who wanted to repaint her house,

A wealthy wife and husband were leaving to go to

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were

A couple were driving to a church to get married.

A man walked into a curio store and was shopping

What's grosser than gross? When you're sitting

If a man is alone in the forest, without any women,

12. In the Star Wars universe, weapons are rarely,

Barbara Walters was doing a documentary on the

A lady walked into a bar and there were no seats

An old farmer decided it was time to get a new

One day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was

How many Harvard men does it take to screw in a

One night, a father passed by his son's room and

One day, Farmer Brown went behind his barn and

A man was in the waiting room at the hospital,

One day, a guy walks out from a shop to see someone

[NOTE: This joke must be told out loud to someone

A very old couple wanted to have children, so

There was a guy on a golf course that he had never

This guy lives in Westchester, NY and goes to

A mother took her kid to the park one day and the

A man and his wife were invited to a swanky masked

A guy who was in the Air Force had just spent a

Back in the days of cowboys and Indians, toilet

A young man goes home from a war to see his mother

Two college students are in Ireland for a vacation

This guy who works at a pickle factory comes home

A drunken man staggered into a Catholic church,

Did you hear about the blonde who got a pair of

In the realm of the Mighty King Gates who has pulled

Little Joey was sitting in the back of class rubbing

What if Data Ran Windows98? WORF: Captain, there

Being a huge Elvis fan, a pretty, young woman strolled

What's the difference between men and beer?

There are two lesbians and two gay guys. Both

What do you call a deer with no eyes? No

There were these two bums and they were hungry

Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the state fair

There are three types of sex in a marriage. The

A new law recently passed in Arkansas. When a couple

There was once a boy whose father gave him a duck,

A guy is on a trip with his girlfriend and he only

Father Murphy was a very poor priest in a very

This Story is true!!! For all of you who occasionally

There was a soldier that enlisted in the army to

10. You're so tired you now answer the phone,

Two Bedouins were in the middle of a desert. When

A blonde owned a small business that she was about

Four guys are flying to Japan in their own jet.

Three girls asked their mother if they could invite

Three men were sitting in a bar one day. they were

Q: There were two gay men and two lesbians moving

Three turtles, Joe, Steve, and Poncho, decide

(which in our society means over 25) An older

One day, a man walks into a whorehouse and says,

A rich lady gives her butler the night off because

One day, Mr. Phillard rushed his pregnant wife

A newlywed couple arrives in their sumptuous honeymoon

Bill Clinton is out jogging around in some of

Men are always whining about how we women suffocate

What has 500,000 feet and still can't walk? Jerry's

If a man says something in the woods and no woman

If a man and a woman get married in Texas and move

A very thirsty guy realizes that he's just walked

ARKANSAS STATE RESIDENCY APPLICATION Name:

Horace was born with only one arm but he managed

One day a traveling salesman was driving down a

This mafia family was in need of a collection

If a couple from Tennessee get a legal divorce,

Jan.10 5:00 P.M. It's starting to snow. The

1. Even though more people live on Vancouver Island,

A Texan is bragging to a New Englander. ââ,¬Å"In

A women is getting married for her fourth time

Things a Man Would Do if He Woke up with a Vagina 10.

A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive

Rule One: I am aware that it is concidered fashionable

A man moves from Ireland to New York City, leaving

Three blondes were taking a walk in the country

A man was out of town on business. While sitting

A Cork, Ireland radio station was holding an on-air

A blind man walked into a diner and made a strange

There once was a woman who had a boyfriend that

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on an

A concerned husband goes to see the family doctor

One sunny Saturday morning, the first of a twosome

Slash, a well-known murderer, had been on death

A teacher was teaching her second grade class about

One day a man is walking along the beach and sees

Patient has two teenage children, but no other

"My wife is an angel." "Lucky you. Mine's still

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced

After a really good party a man walks into a bar

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that. 2.

A group of guys are on their way to a party, but

But everybody looks funny naked! You woke me

Do you know what would be sick? If you sat in

There was a man who had a 25 inch penis, so he

Boy Monster: Did you get the big red heart I sent

Always take the time to smell the roses... and

* The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, ''What's

Once upon a time there lived a woman in Brampton

Two golfers meet on the same golf course, on the

1. Get Your Biscuits In The Oven and Your Buns

you grind your coffee beans in your mouth. you

1. You wake up one morning to find you suddenly

Did you hear the one about the blonde fox that

A man and wife were celebrating their 50-year anniversary,

1. When the elevator doors close, exclaim loudly

* We got off the Titanic first. * We can scare

Women claim that computers should be referred to

In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop a beautiful

A young, innocent couple got married. On the first

There were three blondes living together. Blonde

A blonde woman and a red-headed woman are taken

A married couple went to the hospital to have their

A woman pregnant with her first child paid a visit

I'm currently running the latest version of GirlFriend

One man says, ''You mean they are still together

A woman who was rather old-fashioned, delicate,

Betty & Tim were killed in an auto accident on

Ghost Poopie- The kind where you feel the poopie

There was a dentist, an electrician, a salesperson,

There is this dumb blonde who likes animals, but

There are two blondes playing golf. One tees off

A confused caller was having troubles printing

ââ,¬Å"Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a spoon.ââ,¬Â

A football player walked into a motel on a rainy

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's

10. Likes people that oppress him: teachers, parents,

Sperm1: How much longer tell we get to the egg?

A couple has just finished having sex. They ALWAYS

One day while a wife was working in the kitchen,

A couple has been together for thirty years and

Did you know, on a cool, still dark night, you

Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out

There is this couple, and the wife is very self

What's the difference between Al Gore and Elvis?

A tourist has been visiting Cuba for a week. He

Saturday 1:00 A.M. Alarm clock rings. 2:00

* It can be up or down. It's more fun when it's

To my darling wife: During the past year,

All men are idiots, and I married their King.

One morning, a man approached the first tee, only

If Oracle made toasters... They'd claim their

10) Pretend you don't speak English. 9) Say

Two dumb blondes were driving through the middle

Q: What's the difference between your wife and

There's a woman that has a big problem when it

A little old lady goes into the Chase Manhattan

It was a really hot day and this blonde decided

Son: ''Dad, where did all of my intelligence come

A man and his wife went to the doctor's office

What do you call a 90-year-old man who can still

Two brothers are getting ready for school. One

A man walks into a pub and says, "Give me three

You might be a redneck if you've been married three

Cross my heart this happened to someone. This guy

A policeman directing traffic at a busy city intersection

    One day many years ago, a fisherman's

    Three blokes enter a disabled

Two old guys, Abe and Sol, are sitting on a park

A man who smelled like a distillery flopped down

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock

Twas the Night before Christmas, and all through

At the 1994 annual awards dinner given for Forensic

A madam opened the brothel door to see an elderly

A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned

As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I can get

Is your computer male or female? As you are aware,

Tiger Woods     A couple were on

A fellow bought a new Corvette and was out on an

1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB -- $850/offer AMANA

A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog,

    A woman walks into her accountant's

"I'm going fishing." Really means... "I'm going

Three couples were married and stayed at the same

A mother was walking down the hall when she heard

Two married buddies are out drinking one night

Jack comes home from school with a great big smile

1. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

    Two Italian virgins get married

    With Viagra such a hit, Pfizer

Two cowboys are leanin' up against the rail at

A Denton, Texas man was arrested for filing a false

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says,

    A trucker who had driven his

A man gets to his seat on the plane, and is surprised

A guy walks in to a bar with his pet monkey. He

One day little Johnny went to his father, and asked

A man had a terrible passion for baked beans, but

BETTER HOLD ON TO THOSE PANTIES...THEY COULD COME

Joe woke up one morning with an enormous boner

Two statues stood in a city park: one female and

A guy walked into a pro-shop with a gorilla. "Is

In Scotland, the most important time for a young

Two men drove to a gas station for a fill-up

About ten recruits are making their first parachute

10) You are guaranteed to get at least a little

You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore. Your

    DETROIT--With third-quarter

You learned to swim about the same time Jaws

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night

Mom and Dad were trying to console Susie, whose

Yo mama's so fat that, after sex I rolled over

$ Michael Jordan having "retired,"

A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine. It

One day two deaf-mutes meet on the street. They

A married couple went to the hospital to have their

Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died yesterday

Those who have it would be devastated if it

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed

There has been a recent discovery among archives

A man goes to the doctor with a long history of

This is a true story from the WordPerfect helpline.

A farmhand is driving 'round the farm, checking

1. In the company of females, intercourse

The North has sun-dried toe-mah-toes The South

During WW II an American soldier had been on the

No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize

Who lit the fuse on your tampon? Support Cannibalism

Our Rights: The following was written by State

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's,

This is not meant to be crude. It is strictly for

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out

Yo Mama's so ugly, I can fuck her in any position

A Polish man was taking a flight on a commercial

A newlywed couple on their honeymoon gets to the

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch,

A new arrival in Hell was brought before the

September 15     

Last name: ________________ First name (check

A man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them

Monica's Diary Entry 1 Dear Diary, I'm so excited!

There are many stories related to the sinking of the "Titanic." Some have just come to light due to

The George W Bush Presidential Lie-berry is now in the planning stages. You'll want to be the first

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator? The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator,

An exhausted looking blonde dragged himself in to the doctor's office. "Doctor, there are dogs

Two doctors, a psychiatrist and a proctologist, opened an office in a small town and put up a sign

Closer Than You Think! An unemployed man goes to apply for a job with Microsoft as a janitor. The

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied. On

There are many stories related to the sinking of the "Titanic." Some have just come to light due to

A redneck farmer from back in the hills walked twelve miles, one way, to the general store. "Heya,

Maria had just got married and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding

INFORMATION YOU NEED TO HELP YOU CHOOSE YOUR NEXT HEALTH PLAN .. Q. What does HMO stand for? A.

"I'M GOING FISHING" Means: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream

One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates,

A US Air Force C-141 is scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland at midnight. During the pilot's

A retired corporate executive, now a widower, decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean

A man and his wife were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, agreed

Way down in Louisiana, Boudreaux's old lady had been pregnant for some time and now the time had come.

Mary was having an affair during the day while her husband was at work. One day, she was in bed with

A young Southern boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 of the way through the semester, he has foolishly

A blonde was visiting Washington, DC for the first time. She wanted to see the Capital building. Unfortunately,

A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO It is also the most

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, "Esther,

Me: Hello. AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T. Me: Is this AT&T? AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T. Me: This is

It Was Already Late Fall And The Indians On A Remote Reservation In South Dakota Asked Their New Chief

Between the ages of 15-18, a woman is like China or Iran. Developing at a sizzling rate with a lot

I met an older woman at a bar last night. She wasn't bad for 57, we drank and bullsh*tted a bit,

King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them?

A Japanese company ( Toyota ) and an American company (General Motors decided to have a canoe race

TWO DUCK HUNTERS FROM WISCONSIN: ABSOLUTELY A TRUE STORY HEARD ON A WISCONSIN RADIO STATION REPORTING

---My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be. ---

(Actual letter from an Iowa resident and sent to his senator) The Honorable Tom Harkin 731 Hart

A priest was preparing a man for his long journey into the night. Whispering firmly, the priest

Grandma's letter; She is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes: Dear

A woman was unhappy with the way her laundry was done at the local Chinese Laundry, so she wrote a

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one

I've sure gotten old. I've had 2 By-pass surgeries. A hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's

Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged. However, while working as

A lady walked into a Lexus dealership just to browse. Suddenly, she spotted the most beautiful car

A young man got a license to trap furs for the winter in Alaska. After buying supplies in a local town

Even if you aren't a skier, you'll be able to appreciate the humor of the slopes as written by a New

Two married friends are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says, "You know I don't

Three men were drinking at a bar -- a doctor, an attorney and a biker. As the doctor was drinking

Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary. Suddenly,

One of the airlines recently introduced a special half-fare rate for wives accompanying their husbands

A young Southern couple got married and went on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately

WATER...... It has been scientifically proven that if we drink 1 liter Of water each day, at the end

16. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed Your Ass Out All Day Long 15. If I Can't Be

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his

Down south, Bubba called his attorney and asked, "Is it true they's suin' them cigarette companies

The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his late

A guy was invited to an old friends' home for dinner. His buddy preceded every request to his

Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which, by mistake, happened to end up in a man's head.

After getting all of The Pope's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver

Mid-life is when you go to the doctor and you realize you are now so old, you have to pay someone

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife turning back and forth, looking at

There was a midget down in Texas whose testicles ached almost all the time. The midget went to

# 10 Life is sexually transmitted. # 9 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, and

One day the teacher decides to play an animal game. She holds up a picture of a giraffe and asks if

MONDAY: It's fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately.

They met at the singles club meeting and discovered over time that they enjoyed each other's company. After

You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track. Logic is a systematic method

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.On their wedding night, she told

DINING OUT 1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly

According to the FBI, most modern-day bank robberies are "unsophisticated and unprofessional crimes,"

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people

A woman went to the doctor's office and was seen by one of the new young doctors. After about four

Take Care of the Big Rocks First A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated

An older couple had a son, who was still living with them. The parents were a little worried, as the

After having been served in a Las Vegas cocktail lounge, a real southern gentleman beckoned the waitress

Twas the day after Christmas, and all through the house, Every creature was hurtin', even the mouse. The

An older Jewish man married a younger woman. After several months, the young woman complained that

No matter what you do or where you go, you're always going to be yourself. And Panexa knows this. Your

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: 1 October 2005 RE: Christmas

History began some 12,000 years ago.(Actually, it was 40,000 years ago.) Humans existed as members

And your crybaby whinny opinion would be...? This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting. I

Ole and Sven from International Falls, Minnesota die and wake up in Hell. The devil stops in to check

Dear Husband: I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been

The Mr. Right Rejection Letter Form Dear [____rejectee's name here_____], I regret to inform

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One

During class, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asks the students: "Students, If you were on

1) The new policy on sexual harassment includes your photo. 2) The Security guard makes a complete

10. Today is our what? 9. I got you a present worth a dollar for every time we had sex this year.

A family is sitting around the supper table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of breasts

An Irishman an Englishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar in Sydney. The view was fantastic,

This is true !! It details what to do if an anaconda attacks you. Excerpt is from the US Government

1. The patient refused autopsy. 2. The patient has no previous history of suicides. 3. Patient

Hillary Clinton is out jogging. she passes a young boy selling puppies. "Buy a puppy Ma'am?"

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched with horror as her ball headed directly towards

Way down in Louisiana, Bubba's old lady had been pregnant for some time and now the time had come.

A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past and looks up and says to the

1. "Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife." 2. "I've always wanted

This happened about a month ago just outside a little town in the bayou country of Louisiana, and

In the year 2005, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said, "Once

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. 2. One tequila, two tequila, three

I would not say that the future is necessarily less predictable than the past. I think the past was

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia formally

How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?" Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back,

1.) Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. 2.) If

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says

One night, a little blind boy's mother said to him, "Anthony, if you pray really, REALLY hard tonight,

This is an actual job application that a 17 year old boy submitted to McDonald's in Florida... and

It was spring in the old west. The cowboys rode the still snow choked trails looking for cattle

Helpdesk: What kind of computer do you have? Female customer: A white one... -------------------------------------------------------------------- Hi,

Any woman can have the body of a 21-year-old, as long as she buys him a few drinks first. My memory's

You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were

A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused

* Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot. * Learn from your parents' mistakes

"People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on

I think Santa Claus is a woman .... I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's

Back in the time of the Samurai there was a powerful emperor who needed a new head Samurai so he sent

Between the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild,

"Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine." "I love cats...they taste just like chicken" "Out

Some people say that I'm superficial, but that's just on the surface. On one hand, I'm indecisive;

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls

A wife arrived home from a shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed naked, with

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of sh*t . 2. I don't know what your

1. Jesse Jackson, Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called "Ministers

You live in Arizona when.. 1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade. 2. You

One day, a shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same

It was Saturday night and the preacher still hadn't been able to think of a sermon for the next morning.

How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened when she brings it. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Why

It was October and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new Chief if the coming winter was

A man attempting to set up his new printer called the printer's tech Support number, complaining about

1. Never take a beer to a job interview. 2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting

Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad. Canadians: Are rather indignant about

After three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning her husband about his lurid past. "C'mon,

So anyvay, late one night, Lena vakes Ole and says, "I tink its time!" So Ole fired up the Yohn Deere

3 Men were waiting to go to heaven. St Peter was at the gate and said, "However good you were to your

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't

There was a midget down in Texas whose testicles hurt and ached almost all the time. The midget went

25. Come up with 50 new shades of gray for Martha Stewart Paints. 24. Start marketing new "Martha

He, who laughs last, thinks slowest. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film. A

A woman answered her front door and found two little boys holding a list. "Lady," one of them explained,

There were two brothers. One was very good and tried always to live right and be helpful. His brother

A .. HARD-DISK Woman: She remembers everything you say and do,FOREVER.!!! B... WINDOWS Woman:

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's

There were two old geezers living in the backwoods of the Ozarks...Rufus and Clarence. They lived

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. Gardening

A friend just got back from a holiday ski trip to Utah with the kind of story that warms the cockles

Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant. "Sid," asked Al, "Are there any Jews in China?"

A nun, really needing to go to the bathroom, walked into a neighborhood pub. The place was hopping

Cinderella is now 95 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits

We are sick and tired of hearing about how dumb people in the South are. We challenge any so-called

Here are some conversations that actually happened between help desk people and their customers. Customer:

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead all tried out for the same job as road stripers. The boss told

A US Air Force C-141 was scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland at midnight. During the pilot's

Toward the end of the golf course, Dave somehow managed to hit his ball into the woods finding it

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the Archangel

Two cars were waiting at a stoplight. The light turned green, but the man didn't notice it. A woman

1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I wan' all dem kids to do what I do,

Sherry lost her husband almost four years ago and still hasn't gotten out of her mourning stage. Her

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take

FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80's, slim, 5'4" (used to be 5'6"), searching

Johnny and his wife went to the State Fair every year. Every year Johnny would say, "I'd like to ride

On a group of beautiful deserted tropical islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people

1. "I can't find it." MEANS: It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I am completely clueless.

HER DIARY Saturday night I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to

On the night of their 40th anniversary the reminiscing wife finds the negligee she wore on her wedding

- You only know three spices - salt, pepper and ketchup. - You design your Halloween costume to

1. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards,

One evening a father overheard his son saying his prayers "God bless Mommy, Daddy and Grammy. Goodbye

These, are real answers given by children. Q: Name the four seasons. A: Salt, pepper, mustard and

Two elderly residents, one male and one female, were sitting alone in the lobby of their nursing home

The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his

At a nursing home a group of seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments. "My arms

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of

These questions about Canada were posted on an international tourism website and obviously the answers

Your coworker has 8 body piercing and none are visible. You make over $300,000 and still can't

A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband. Now he had been slipping in and

This 80 year old woman thought she had the crabs, so she goes to the doctor. "Doctor I think I

Dear Diary: Day 1 Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When

25. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye. 24. Her Teeth Was Stained, But

Little Jenny walked into the kitchen one day and looked up at her mother, who was busy cooking dinner.

A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice. "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step,

A man and a beautiful woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress (taking another

The husband didn't want to play in the "Couples Alternate Shot Tournament" at the club, but he reluctantly

Where does an Irish family go on vacation? A different bar. Did you hear about the Chinese couple

What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever. What do attorneys use for birth control? Their

An older couple had a son, who was still living with his parents. The parents were a little worried,

Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which, by mistake, happened to end up in a man's head.

Jones came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting

A girl was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know. One day, the police raided a whole

This little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with passing gas, but

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In English," he said, "a double negative

A group of girlfriends are on vacation, when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads, "For

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's, and walked up to the woman behind the counter

A 75 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar

A married couple went to he hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor

In a city park stood two statues, one female and the other male. These two statues faced each other

"You're in remarkable shape for a man your age," said the doctor to the ninety-year old man after

In a tiny village lived an old maid. In spite of her old age, she was still a virgin. She was very

A man walked into a therapist's office looking very depressed. "Doc, you've got to help me. I can't

"I just love the French. They taste like chicken!" ---- Hannibal Lecter "I would rather have a

A man complains to a friend, "I can't take it anymore." "What's wrong?" his concerned friend asks.

A man is waiting for wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry midterm. The answer

A lady was standing on a street corner waiting for a bus when she happened to notice a weight machine.

A policeman cruising past a bar after closing time notices two motor bikes still parked out front.

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near an abandoned gas station. They approached the gas

Three Pastors were having lunch together at a diner. The first Pastor said, "Ya know, since summer

A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately

The story is told of a Mexican bandit who robbed a Texas bank of $250,000 and escaped across the river. A

Bob and his three golf buddies were out playing and were just starting on the back nine when Bob paused,

A couple were golfing one day on a very exclusive golf course, lined with million-dollar houses.

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing. One lady turns and asks, "Do

A new Mercedes owner was out on an interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze

Dude walks into a pharmacy laughing hysterically, orders 2 condoms, still laughing, pays the pharmacist

Blonde Boater A True Story Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an

There were two old guys, Abe and Sol, sitting on a bench in a park feeding pigeons and talking

Two blondes decide to go duck hunting. Neither one of them has ever been duck hunting before and

Two men were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freight vessel. While

A man was called in for an audit by the IRS. So he asked his accountant for advice on what to wear.

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied.

A gynecologist who had lost interest in his medical practice decided to change careers and enrolled

One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying: "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and

An old man was in bed with his wife when suddenly he let out a loud fart. He yelled, "7 points!" His

At Cambridge University during an examination one day a bright young student popped up and asked the

A policeman cruising past a pub after closing time notices two motor bikes still parked out the front.

It was a sunny Saturday morning on the course and I was beginning my pre-shot routine, visualizing

A blind man and his guide dog enter a bar and find their way to a barstool. After ordering a drink

John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at

There was this guy and he was driving along until he got a flat. He spotted a near-by farm and decided

The teacher asked little Johnny, "What's two and two?". He counted 1-2-3-4 on his fingers and said,

Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price, but it's missing a

An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he called his lawyer. "I want to become

A farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed them for ham and bacon. After several weeks, he notices

There was a preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance that he could get, he could be found on the

Three business men were sitting in a bar, drinking and discussing how stupid their wives were. The

An elderly couple, still very loving after all these years, is shocked when the woman's doctor says

One day, a man walks into a dentist's office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth. "Eighty

A mafia Don was golfing with two golf associates: a deaf man and his interpreter lawyer. Since the

A man came into his wife's room one day. "If I were, say, disfigured, would you still love me?" he

An elderly pair (he a widower, she a widow) meet in a retirement village. They seem to hit it off;

There was a huge nut tree by the cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and

A guy called Jacob finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial

During camouflage training in Louisiana, a private disguised as a tree trunk had made a sudden move

A priest and a nun are on their way back home from a trip when their car breaks down. They are unable

A truck driver would amuse himself by running over lawyers he would see walking down the side of the

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party. The wife came down with a terrible headache

A cute little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it

A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he wants to buy a pet that can do everything. The

A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice. "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more

A man walked into a therapists office looking very depressed, "Doc, you've got to help me. I can't