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George W. Bush is visiting a primary school and

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There was a blonde, a brunette and a red head.

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This guy breaks into a house, and starts stealin

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A blonde and a brunette are in a bar. As they order

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Q: Why did God give women more brain cells than

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An English professor told her students that there

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Why don't chickens wear underwear? Because their

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Two drunk guys stumble out of a bar and get into

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Three Doctors are dicussing which types of patients

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Three girls named Samantha, Janet and Rebecca were

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A market researcher called at a house and his knock

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Johnny's teacher asked the class how their weekends

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Three guys go to a hotel. They tell the man behind

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A man walks into a whorehouse and hands the madam

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A sailor and a pirate walk into a bar. They sit

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So this lady goes to her doctor and explains that

A grade school teacher comes into class one morning

A city girl was driving back to town after attending

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Three guys were in a bar and they heard a woman

Three girls are sitting around, totally bored

Four guys are flying to Japan in their own jet.

Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study

Long time ago, in the land of Persia there lived

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Three men were sitting in a bar one day. they were

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Two guys are at their house. They decide to play

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Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but

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This elderly Newfoundland fisherman is on his deathbed

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A married couple was walking down the street when

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Three men were on a road trip. their car broke

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Two cannibals just got their hands on a corpse.

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are crossing

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A blonde and a brunette are out driving, and the

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The Smiths had no children and decided to use a

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Three nuns used to go to the church from their

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A woman was engaged to get married. She had never

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Once a Frenchman, an Englishman and an Irishman

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Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping

The bakery called -- they want their rolls back!

While cruising at 40,000 feet, the airplane shuddered

A fellow was ordered to lose 75 pounds, due to

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An old lady's husband had just died and she felt

Last week I took some friends out to a restaurant,

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One day an old man and his wife were sitting in

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Three little boys were sitting around talking about

A man and wife were celebrating their 50-year anniversary,

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A poor man and woman sat down in their living room

An old wizard was walking through a park when he

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A young woman walks into an adult book store and

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One day a blonde and her friend and their parents

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Dearest John, I went to the door today and the

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One day the farmer walked out to his field to feed

One day, two drunks were stumbling around in the

Women claim that computers should be referred to

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A young, innocent couple got married. On the first

Five surgeons were taking a coffee break and

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One night, three guys are at a bar talking and

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Bob, a lawyer, was driving home over the Golden

Three men are at a bar, and two of the men are

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One afternoon, a princess decided to go for a ride

Three women were sitting around talking about their

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Every day two blonde women would come out of work

There are approximately two billion children (persons

Betty & Tim were killed in an auto accident on

There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of

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A doctor had the reputation of helping couples

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A couple has just finished having sex. They ALWAYS

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A couple has been together for thirty years and

A grade school teacher was asking students what

A dying man gathered his best friends - a lawyer,

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On the day of her wedding to Prince Edward, Sophie

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An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but

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As he is quietly watching television at home, a

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One fine day in the middle of the night, two dead

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The pentagon said they had too many generals running

A college psychology class was studing human reaction

A couple was boasting to another couple about their

Two airplane mechanics named Bob and Tim work at

What is the clumsiest insect? The Bumbling Bee.

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all enter a

What do blonde women put behind their ears to attract

Why don't blondes wear miniskirts in San Francisco?

What do Alexander the Great and Kermit the Frog

Q: Why did the coach give his football team lighters?

There were three men working at the top of a building.

This lady is throwing a party where each guest

Q. What do gay guys call their condoms? A.

Two guys get busted for smoking dope, so they have

Two elderly folks in a nursing home wanted to get

Did you hear about the leper poker game? One

Squawks are problems left behind by airplane pilots

A man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy

Why do little girls walk around with dead goldfish

There was a Kentucky redneck and an Ohio buckeye,

One day three women were at a beauty parlor talking

Because Dave works hard at the plant and spends

Once there were two best friends, named Fred and

Why were shopping carts invented? To teach women

Why do women pass less gas than men? Because

Q: What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried

A guy walked into a bar with a pet alligator by

You might be a redneck if you wonder how service

You might be a redneck if you wonder how service

Q: What do lawyers use as contraceptives? A: Their

In a trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes through

Sue and Sally meet at their 30th class reunion,

A policeman directing traffic at a busy city intersection

Two old biddies were talking about their lives

Q: What do lawyers use for birth control?A: Their personalities.

There were three women who always hung their laundry

    One day many years ago, a fisherman's

A couple took their young son for his first visit

Ã, Ã, Ã,  A Frenchman, an Englishman and

Shit is a powerful word. Just think of all the

    A couple go to Mexico City for

At a southern university, students in the psychology

    White House staffers were perplexed

Twas the Night before Christmas, and all through

A visiting professor at the University of Montana

Everyone who ticks him or her off gets a $26,000

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting

A guy is tossing peanuts into the air and catching

Joe and Wanda had a small apartment in the city

Why do women rub their eyes in the morning? Because

Doris and Fred had started their retirement years

      AT&T fired President John

I called a company and asked to speak to Bob.

Is your computer male or female? As you are aware,

    BOOK is a revolutionary breakthrough in

Due to widespread panic about the Y2K bug, Internet

Tiger Woods     A couple were on

Similarities between the Titanic video and the

A Catholic, a Baptist, and a Mormon are bragging

On the last day of kindergarten, all the children

One Sunday morning, everyone in one bright, beautiful,

What did Bill Gates' wife say to him on their wedding

A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest

A little old lady buys a pair of parrots, but cannot

One evening, a family brings their frail, elderly

A man and his wife check into a hotel. The husband

A very old couple book a honeymoon suite in a five-star

Three couples were married and stayed at the same

A young couple were married and they were having

A big shot businessman had to spend a couple of

A male whale and his mate were swimming around

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent,

    Two Italian virgins get married

    With Viagra such a hit, Pfizer

Two cowboys are leanin' up against the rail at

After a Christmas break, a teacher asked her young

A Denton, Texas man was arrested for filing a false

The following letters were taken from an actual

A couple has returned from their honeymoon and

Are you considering having children? To determine

It seems that a young couple had just gotten married

Two Texans were having the blue plate special at

Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to

Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group discussing

    One day, a man named Tony died.  

Four surgeons were sitting around discussing

Will the Real Dummy Please Stand Up?! AT&T

    Four old Catholic women are

1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well-lighted

    Marol spent her wedding night

But Doctor, You HAVE To! In Turkey, Mehmet Esirgen, 52,

'Twas the night before crisis, And behind White

A group of third, fourth and fifth graders accompanied

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates

Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher

A couple had two little boys, ages eight and ten,

A man decided to paint the toilet while his wife

There was an Englishman an Irishman and

    William and Mildred were married

These two eggs had just been married and were on

About ten recruits are making their first parachute

A woman and man get into a car accident. Both

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a

    Psychologists have discovered

    In Lebanon, men are legally allowed

    Yes, it's hard to believe, but

A newlywed couple just moved into their new house.

Harry and Martha were sitting down to their usual

Mr. Johnson had been retired for a year when his

Two guys were attending a party in the woods, when

-It is always possible to park directly outside

    One day a hunter was walking

    While inspecting their honeymoon

Two guys were hiking in the mountains when they

NICKNAMES If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose

Big Busted Women -can get a taxi on the worst

    A herd of buffalo can only move

Two priests were going to Hawaii on vacation and

On Tough Jobs that Involve Letters: “It's

$ Michael Jordan having "retired,"

There once was a farmer who was raising 3 daughters

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument

A married couple went to the hospital to have their

Two church members were going door to door, and

Four college alumni were climbing a mountain one

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling

Why did the chicken cross the road? KINDERGARTEN

Remember the book "Men are from Mars, Women are

It is near the end of the school year.  The

You know your grandparents are doing it when... 10.

    'Twas the night before Christmas

On the day of the Royal Wedding, Sofia was getting

An FM station has a competition where they ring

    The following information was

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners.

A woman went to her priest with a problem. "Father,

Run one lap around the office at top speed

A judge was punishing three men because they had

People are always on the lookout for a new diet.

ASTROLOGY: tells us about you and your future

1. Cats do what they want, when they want.

Introductory Chemistry at Duke has been taught

What do turtles and blondes have in common? If

Ã, Ã, Ã,  If you receive an e-mail

Our Rights: The following was written by State

    The Reverend John Fuzz was pastor

This is not meant to be crude. It is strictly for

A married couple was in a terrible accident where

Scientists at NASA have developed a gun built specifically

In 1993, the American Government funded a study

A newlywed couple on their honeymoon gets to the

A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to

One day at the end of class, little Johnny's teacher

September 15     

December 14, 1972 My dearest darling John:

The wedding date was set and the groom's three

    Dear Son,    

Monica's Diary Entry 1 Dear Diary, I'm so excited!

A man is driving down a steep, narrow mountain

Four men, an Engineer, an Accountant, a Chemist

Charlie's wife, Lucy, had been after him for several weeks to paint the seat on their commode. Finally,

Bubbles and Barbie, two blonde sisters had promised their Uncle, who had been a seafaring gentleman

Dress Code: 1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary. 2) If we see

Next mood swing: 6 minutes I hate everybody, you're next. And your point is.............? I

A young Chinese couple get married. She's a virgin, and truth be told he's a virgin too, but she

Dear employee: As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for all department areas, we are

Also known as 'women's intuition,' this sixth sense thing is no myth. Women seem to know what's going

Genuine extracts from Letters Sent to Landlords: I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique

Somewhere in the deep South, Bubba called an attorney and asked, "Is it true they're suing the cigarette

Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, were chatting about their relationships

Irish greyhound racing authorities have banned trainers from giving dogs the anti-impotence drug Viagra

Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak. But all

As the manager of our hospital's softball team, I was responsible for returning equipment to the proper

With apologies to Jeff Foxworthy, US troops in Afghanistan prove they've retained their sense

All of his life Ole had heard stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather

Katie Couric, Charlie Gibson, Brian Williams and a tough old US Marine Sergeant were captured by

1. Teaching Math In 1950s A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production

Morty and Saul, are out one afternoon on a lake when their boat starts sinking. Saul the banker

How The French Military uniform evolved A long time ago, the British and French were at War. During

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6 year old.

Two doctors, a psychiatrist and a proctologist, opened an office in a small town and put up a sign

The psychiatrists were attending their first seminar on emotional extremes. "Just to establish

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned

After hearing a couple's complaints that their intimate life wasn't what it used to be, the sex counselor

A minister concluded that his church was getting into serious financial troubles. Coincidentally,

At a recent convention of biological scientists, one researcher remarked to another, "Did you know

The only cow in a small Kentucky town stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found

An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married & settled down in their old neighborhood.

A tour bus driver drives with a bus full of Sun City Christmas Shopper Seniors down a highway, when

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall

A man took his old duck to the Doctor, concerned because the duck wouldn't eat. The Doctor explained

A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it,

An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover

Two couples were playing poker one evening. Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When

A retired corporate executive, now a widower, decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean

Four college friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to go up to Dallas

A man and his wife were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, agreed

A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500. They did their

Way down in Louisiana, Boudreaux's old lady had been pregnant for some time and now the time had come.

On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher. The florist's son brought

Teaching Math in 1950: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of

A young woman was preparing for her wedding. She asked her mother to go out and buy a nice long black

No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do: 1.They replicate quickly - okay, Windows does

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the

Three old mischievous Grandmas were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home. About then an old

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." Winston Churchill "A modest

An Englishman A Scotsman and an Irishman are all setting in a bar in New York discussing about how

Two old women were sitting on a bench waiting for their bus. The buses were running late, and a lot

Dress Code: 1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary. 2) If we see

In a small mid western conservative town, a new bar/tavern started a building to open up their business.

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it

Entries in a Dog's Diary: 7 am - Oh boy! A walk! My favorite! 8 am - Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite! 9

A man and his wife were working in their garden 1 day and the man looks over at his wife and says

It Was Already Late Fall And The Indians On A Remote Reservation In South Dakota Asked Their New Chief

Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all talking one day. Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe

Sue and Sally meet at their 30th class reunion, and they haven't seen each other since graduation.

Prior to our wedding, David and I met with the minister to discuss our marriage ceremony and various

A Japanese company ( Toyota ) and an American company (General Motors decided to have a canoe race

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was

TWO DUCK HUNTERS FROM WISCONSIN: ABSOLUTELY A TRUE STORY HEARD ON A WISCONSIN RADIO STATION REPORTING

Back a few years ago, I went over to my neighbors house.(She was a blonde), and for some reason she

Three women were sitting around talking about their sex lives. The first said, "I think my husband's

Grandma's letter; She is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes: Dear

1. You must first learn to pronounce the city name, it is L. A. 2. The morning rush hour is from

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men

An old man and woman were married for many years, even though, they hated each other. When they had

A blonde's car gets a flat tire on the Interstate one day So she eases it over onto the shoulder of

There was once an aspiring veterinarian who put himself through veterinary school working nights as

TO: MR. JAMES THATCHER, BRAND MANAGER, PROCTER & GAMBLE. Dear Mr. Thatcher, I have been a loyal

A husband and wife came for counselling after 25 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was,

When asked by their host if she would like another drink, the attractive blonde bowed her head slightly

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your

One day, there was a catastrophic event that caused all living creatures on Earth to die. To sort things

A woman named Jill stood up at her church's Testimony Meeting one Sunday morning, took the microphone

A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor

A young couple on their wedding night were in their honeymoon suite. As they were undressing for bed,

1) This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6) 2) Oysters' balls are

On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons. Early one morning, the woman

A newlywed couple returned to their apartment after being on their honeymoon. "Care to go upstairs

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers

Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around Home Depot when they collide. The

Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary. Suddenly,

One of the airlines recently introduced a special half-fare rate for wives accompanying their husbands

One day while Little Johnny and his freind Arnie were playing out in the back yard,they started talking

Mark and Paul stopped into an English pub for a drink. They called the proprietor over and asked him

A pretty blonde woman is driving down a country road in her new sports car when something goes wrong

A young Southern couple got married and went on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders.

To all Employees: It has been brought to Management's attention that some individuals throughout

As You May Already Know, It Is A Sin For A Taliban Male To See Any Woman Other Than His Wife Naked

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was

A first grade school teacher in Virginia had twenty-five students in her class. She presented each

Down south, Bubba called his attorney and asked, "Is it true they's suin' them cigarette companies

The Reverend John Fuzz was a pastor of a small congregation in a little Pennsylvania town. One day, walking

At Heathrow Airport in England, a 300 ft. red carpet was stretched out to Air Force One and President

The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his late

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play - normally one club and two balls. 2. Play

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their

A Hawaii woodpecker and a California woodpecker were arguing about which place had the toughest trees.

Last month, National University of Lesotho scientists released the results of a recent analysis that

A man took his old duck to the Doctor, concerned because the duck wouldn't eat. The Doctor

The only cow in a small town in Arkansas stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found

Annoyed by the professor of anatomy who liked to tell "naughty" stories during class, a group of female

An old man, a boy, and a donkey were on their way to town. The boy was riding the donkey. As they

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program. The next day, there's a knock

Rabbi Bernstein was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body.

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow?

After working for years, a hooker finally retired and, being afraid of spending the rest of her life

The wife comes home early and finds her husband in their master bedroom making love to a beautiful,

John works hard and spends two nights each week bowling and plays golf every Saturday. His wife

10. Your visa card and your belt both hit their limit. 9. She's been wearing an engagement ring

Subject: Story with a Moral Story with a Moral In 1923, Who Was: 1. President of the largest steel

Two elderly women were in a beauty parlor getting their hair done, when in walked a young chick with

In light of the rising frequency of human - grizzly bear conflicts, the Alaska Department of Fish

A group of Kentucky second, third, and fourth graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After

The Internal Revenue sends their auditor (a nasty little man named Shea) to audit a synagogue. The

They met at the singles club meeting and discovered over time that they enjoyed each other's company. After

Pretty soon, I won't be able to do anything except sit in my chair and read! I must send my thanks

Two couples went on a vacation together. One of the men stated, "Our sex life has become routine

A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The

A British company is developing computer chips that store music in women's breast implants. This is

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.On their wedding night, she told

It's out! Brand new edition of... "You know you're A redneck when......" 1. You take your dog for

Slap Your Co-Worker Day is Coming!! May 22 is the official Slap Your Irritating Co-workers Holiday:

In Florida, an atheist became incensed over the preparation for Easter and Passover holidays and decided

Here's a prime example of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus" offered by an English professor

Two scottish nuns have just arrived in the USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the

A teenage girl comes home from school and asks her mother. "Is it true what Rita just told me? Babies

According to the FBI, most modern-day bank robberies are "unsophisticated and unprofessional crimes,"

There were three little boys visiting their grandparents. The oldest came out and asked his grandpa,

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people

During the banquet celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary, Tom was asked to give his friends a

Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help

Prior to her trip to Texas, Buffy (a New Yorker) confided to her co-workers she had three goals for

A census taker in a rural area went up to a farmhouse and knocked. When a woman came to the door, he

1. A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired. 2. What's the definition of a will? (It's

A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends. Every day they would sit

Life isn't like a box of chocolates; it's more like a jar of jalapenos: you never know what's going

WASHINGTON, D.C. - A white house source stated that Congress is considering awarding Vice-President

Take Care of the Big Rocks First A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in

Q. When is a retiree's bedtime? A. Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch. Q. How many

Dear Dogs and Cats, The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated

I, __________________________, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely

An older couple had a son, who was still living with them. The parents were a little worried, as the

A man took his old duck to the Doctor, concerned because the duck wouldn't eat. The Doctor explained

Bill had always been a prankster. As each of his friends were married, Bill made sure some type of

Dear Employee: As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we are forced

I think that 'Clueless' was very deep. I think it was deep in the way that it was very light. I think

Twas the day after Christmas, and all through the house, Every creature was hurtin', even the mouse. The

Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring another bull onto the ranch,

No matter what you do or where you go, you're always going to be yourself. And Panexa knows this. Your

I really wanted to send out some sort of holiday greeting but it is so difficult in today's world to

Three explorers became lost in the jungle and wandered for days with no food and little water... One

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with

Some friars were behind in their belfry payments, so they opened a small florist shop to raise the

10. When filling out your driver's license application you give your IP address. 9. You no longer

All of his life George from Cape Breton had heard stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: 1 October 2005 RE: Christmas

An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married & settled down in their old neighborhood. To

The coach had put together the perfect team for the New Orleans Saints. The only thing missing was

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage

History began some 12,000 years ago.(Actually, it was 40,000 years ago.) Humans existed as members

A man and his friend were enjoying Deer Hunting Season in rural Arkansas near a blacktop highway. A

A young girl on a year's training course in South Africa recently received a "Dear John" letter from her

Ole and Sven from International Falls, Minnesota die and wake up in Hell. The devil stops in to check

A survey was conducted by asking women of what they thought of their ass. 85% of women said that

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party. After several drinks, one

Save all manner of bacon grease. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let

A Texas family of football supporters head out one Saturday to the outlet mall to do their tax-free

A big corporation recently hired several cannibals in the interest of cultural diversity. You are

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida, are all excited about their decision to get

1972: Long hair 2002: Longing for hair 1972: The perfect high 2002: The perfect high yield mutual

Two blondes were discussing their automobile mechanics. Said one blonde, "I was so worried that the

The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of

A couple in their nineties are BOTH having problems remembering things. They decide to go to the doctor

Q: How can you tell if a fax came from a blonde? A: It has a stamp on it. Q: Why do blondes have

From : Managing Director To : Executive Director "Tomorrow morning there will be a total eclipse

"Remember, never ask a geek "why"; just nod your head and back away slowly... " Dan Wineman Memory

David Letterman's Top 10 reasons why there are no black NASCAR drivers: (I bet his life will be miserable

Hillary Clinton is out jogging. she passes a young boy selling puppies. "Buy a puppy Ma'am?"

A big shot executive had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses

The couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted

Way down in Louisiana, Bubba's old lady had been pregnant for some time and now the time had come.

* Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong. * Keep skunks and bankers and

A man and woman were having marriage problems, and decided to end their union after a very short time

Two deaf men were talking on their coffee break about being out late the night before. The first

January - Took her new scarf back to the store because it was too tight. February - Couldn't work

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. As he sits, the waitress comes

In the year 2005, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said, "Once

From: Chief of Operations Subject: Proper Narrative Descriptions It has come to our attention from

1. What does the average Iowa player get on his SAT's? Drool. 2. What do you get when you put 32

One day a teacher was teaching religion, when she asked the class "What part of your body do you think

One day a father of a very wealthy family took his son on a trip to the country with the firm purpose

My other car is a bomb This vehicle makes wide right turns into buildings Allah is my co-pilot My

A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The

An old couple is having breakfast when the old woman says to her husband, "Just think, honey, we've

A man in the Florida supermarket tries to buy half a head of lettuce. The very young produce assistant

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia formally

What is a Cat? Cats do what they want. They rarely listen to you. They're totally unpredictable.

Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle.

1.) Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. 2.) If

If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise. - Unknown Some days you're the dog; some

Note: Sometimes a story comes along that needs no polishing or enhancement to make it better.

A minister concluded that his church was getting into serious financial troubles. While checking the

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years. One night, during one

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned. The doctor told

A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem. The

Part of Air Canada's recent settlement with the Unions was hiring handicapped people! So, the other

A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded,

Dr. Phil was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You

At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady truck up a conversation and

Three little boys were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to play with them. They decided

A groom and his newlywed wife go to the Hilton on their honeymoon. They check in at the front, and

Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyerwitz loses $500 on a single

Who said men don't remember anniversaries? A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband

The NHL Players Association (NHLPA) announced today that they are upset at the NHL for planning to

D A M N I T O L Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours. ST. M O

Bubba Joe's first military assignment was to a military induction center, and--because he was a good

Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption,

The young couple invited their aged parson for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing

Written by Phil Maggitti Going to War with the Army that We Want. WASHINGTON, D.C. - President

* Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot. * Learn from your parents' mistakes

I. There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa

Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered. Some

I think Santa Claus is a woman .... I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's

A city slicker, named Tommy, was on vacation in Texas. His hosts, being very hospitable, invited him

A guy took his blonde girl friend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their

Some of us Southerners are pretty skeptical of horoscopes and the people that read them. If we are

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured

One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river.

In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the day. During that time we regret that you

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls

Thought you might enjoy this message I received from one of my more politically oriented friends.....

10. Pair of edible Depends found on bedroom floor. 9. Lately, at night, they put their teeth

The preacher's Sunday sermon was "Forgive Your Enemies." He asked how many of the congregation have

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program. The next day, there's a

This is how today's media would have reported the Normandy invasion to free those living under German

Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide. The first guy says to the second

I know you have an interest in poker - here's a twist. Two couples were playing cards one evening.

You live in Arizona when.. 1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade. 2. You

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck,

Someone out there either has too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble. (wait till you see the

When the wise company president learned that his employees were tanking up on no-trace vodka martinis

A girl was visiting her blonde friend who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names

Little Johnny 's next door neighbors had a baby. Unfortunately, the little baby was born with no ears. When

A woman had 8 children, all of them boys. So, one day a magazine sent a journalist to her house for

There were two lovers, who were really into spiritualism and reincarnation. They vowed that if either

An elderly couple had been dating for some time. Finally they decided it was time for marriage. Before

How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened when she brings it. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Why

A prominent young attorney was on his way to court to begin arguments on a complex lawsuit when he

It was October and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new Chief if the coming winter was

A team of American and British archaeologists was excavating in Israel when they came upon a cave.

Two rednecks are driving down the highway, drinking their beer, when flashing lights from a policeman

After his death, Osama bin Laden went to heaven. There he was greeted by George Washington, who

George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to hell where the devil is waiting for him. "I

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of

Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad. Canadians: Are rather indignant about

It was the last day of school, and all the students were bringing presents for their teacher. A florist's

On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things

So anyvay, late one night, Lena vakes Ole and says, "I tink its time!" So Ole fired up the Yohn Deere

A man enters his favorite ritzy restaurant and while sitting at his regular table, he notices a gorgeous

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington recently was faced with a unique

Modern medicine has come up with some great new stuff to make life easier ...: St. Mom's Wort ~

Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a cow born in Canada

I hope that this will once again confirm that the most important information in your life won't come

Three priests were in a train station on their way home to Pittsburgh. Behind the ticket counter

Recently scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their

Warning on a bottle of drain cleaner: "If you do not understand, or cannot read, all directions,

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious

An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other. When they had

It's time once again to consider the candidates for the annual Stella Awards. The Stella's are named

Russian President Putin called President George W. Bush with an emergency. "Our largest condom factory

There were two old geezers living in the backwoods of the Ozarks...Rufus and Clarence. They lived

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The

A week after their marriage, the Redneck newlyweds paid a visit to their doctor... "I can't figure

We are sick and tired of hearing about how dumb people in the South are. We challenge any so-called

Some of us Southerners are pretty skeptical of horoscopes and the people that read them. If we are

Down South, Bubba called his attorney and asked, "Is it true they're suing the cigarette companies

Here are some conversations that actually happened between help desk people and their customers. Customer:

I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your bed rock. I can't find my puppy, can you

An office manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through

Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two prostitutes and take them to their separate hotel

One day George W. Bush and Dick Cheney walk into a diner. A waitress walks up to them and asks if

An eighteen-year-old Italian girl tells her mom that she has missed her period for two months. Very

One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her husband in bed with another woman. She

Sherry lost her husband almost four years ago and still hasn't gotten out of her mourning stage. Her

If you recall the old Hollywood Squares show, this will bring a tear to your eyes. They are worth

A Cajun named Thibideaux went to his doctor to determine the source of his malady. The doctor, After

Two women friends had gone for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the

A primary school teacher decided to see how many of the city kids knew what sounds farm animals made.

There was an old man, a boy, and a donkey. They were going to town and it was decided that the boy

This is a test for men only and all "real men" will answer "C" to all of these questions. However,

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not live forever, because

A husband and wife were having a fine dining experience at their exclusive country club when this

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go

Three members of a golf club were arguing loudly while the fourth member of their group lay dead in

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. 2. If

On the night of their 40th anniversary the reminiscing wife finds the negligee she wore on her wedding

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats are. The first man was an Engineer, the second

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary in London, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior

A Policeman was drilling 3 blondes, who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in

This is a compilation of actual Church Bulletins and Service bloopers... Our next song is "Angels

Two elderly residents, one male and one female, were sitting alone in the lobby of their nursing home

A little old couple walked slowly into a McDonalds one cold winter evening. They looked out of place

The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his

What do you expect from such simple creatures!? Their last name stays put. The garage is all

After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for a younger woman. The house was in his name

(Internal Revenue Service, an agency of the government to whom Americans pay taxes on their salary.) --Always

It's even hotter than usual in Phoenix, 116 degrees sets a new record, the Associated Press reports: About

There was a farmer who grew watermelons. He was doing pretty well, but he was disturbed by some local

At a nursing home a group of seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments. "My arms

King Arthur was in Merlin's laboratory where the great wizard was showing him his latest creation.

DRESS CODE It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you

Three old men are discussing their sex lives. The Italian man says, "Last week, my wife and I had

By Scott Roeben was a very wise man. But you'd never know it because he used such fancy-schmancy

Two elderly gentlemen, who had been without sex for several years, decided they needed to visit a

Your coworker has 8 body piercing and none are visible. You make over $300,000 and still can't

Two deaf men were talking on their coffee break about being out late the night before. The first

INSTRUCTIONS FOR MICROSOFT'S NEW TV DINNER PRODUCT: You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing

I took some friends out to dinner last week, and I noticed a spoon in the shirt pocket of our waiter

One night a teenage girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet her parents, and they were appalled

Men are like ....... Laxatives ...... They irritate the @#%$ out of you. Men are like ........

An old man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell

"Managing senior programmers is like herding cats." - -Dave Platt "Do not meddle in the affairs

1. It's an incentive to show up. 2. It reduces stress. 3. It leads to more honest communications. 4.

A man and a beautiful woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress (taking another

Two old pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane by going back to the place where they first

The Reverend John Fuzz was a pastor of a small congregation in a little Pennsylvania town. One day,

two Old Ladies Were Outside Their Nursing Home, Having A Smoke, When It Started To Rain. One Of The

What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever. What do attorneys use for birth control? Their

The Wisconsin State Dept of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen and golfers

A young woman who had been married for several years was growing more and more frustrated at her husband's

Two gay gentlemen were walking through a zoo. They came across the gorillas and after a while they

THE VALUE OF UNDIES-- Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle... From

Two blondes were playing golf at a foggy par three, and could see the flag, but not the green. Each

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in the tiny town of Johnstown got up early and went

An older couple had a son, who was still living with his parents. The parents were a little worried,

A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their

At a convention of biological scientists, one researcher remarks to another, "Did you know that in

The following story was written by Andrew Marlatt. It first appeared on SatireWire on Feb. 1, 2002

The Smiths were unable to conceive children, and decided to use a surrogate father to start their

A chief and an admiral were sitting in the barber shop. They were both just getting finished with

On their way home after celebrating their 25th anniversary, she thanks him for a wonderful evening.

Two guys immigrate to America. On their first day off the boat they are wandering around New York

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all

As a concierge at a posh resort, I was often asked about the ski facilities. One day a couple who

An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he has never

Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room with only a table and

OK, I'm the only female in a house full of guys. 4 sons and a hubby. Toilet seat is never down...etc. SOOOOoooooooooo

A group of girlfriends are on vacation, when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads, "For

Man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. So he walks down to the store only

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few

Jason wanted to get his blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary, but also something

An Arkansas woman is in the welfare office filling out forms. The welfare officer asks her how many

A married couple went to he hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor

An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his IRS agent and his lawyer (both church members),

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said, "TWO PROSTITUTES.......$50.00."

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls

Three men - an American, a Japanese and an Irishman - were sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly there

Husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband

Doctor Joe had slept with one of his patients and had felt guilty all day long. No matter how

Bob, a lawyer, was driving home over the Golden Gate Bridge after spending a great day on the ocean

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around looking for valuables and when

One day, Jesus and the Devil were both working on their computers. Jesus was typing away. The Devil

Two salesmen were writing up their orders when the conversation came around to last night's big date. "So,

Tom, Dick and Harry were in the pub, a week before Xmas, enjoying a few quiet drinks, when they decided

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry midterm. The answer

The ambassador of a small African nation chanced to visit Russia, and was entertained by his opposite

A lecturer teaching medicine was tutoring a class on 'Observation'. He took out a jar of yellow-coloured

Two Polish guys were taking their first train trip to Warsaw on the train. A vendor came down the

The townspeople did a little research and discovered they could get a cow from Moscow for 2000 rubles

An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman are all playing golf with their wives. The Englishman's wife

Two golfers were waiting their turn on the tee when a naked woman ran across the fairway and into

This guy sees a sign in front of a house "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells

These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to go up to Dallas

DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You

A reporter was doing a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War. She noted

After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford

A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. --Henny Youngman The best way

WHAT'S BLACK AND BLUE AND BROWN AND LAYING IN A DITCH? A brunette who's told too many blonde jokes. WHAT

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the sea, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. 2. Learn to work the toilet seat; if

Almost 150 years ago, President Lincoln found it necessary to hire a private investigator - Alan

A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida for a long weekend to thaw out during on particularly

A man decides to take the opportunity while his wife is away to paint the wooden toilet seat. The

A man and his wife were working in their garden one day and the man looks over at his wife and says:

There was a girl who went to sunday school and always fell asleep. One day the teacher asked and pointed

One day a nice young couple were on their way to the Justice of the Peace to get married. They had

Annoyed by the professor of anatomy who liked to tell "naughty" stories during class, a group of

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room where their family member lay gravely

President George W. Bush is visiting an elementary school today and he visits one of the 4th

A Bible study group was discussing the unforeseen possibility of sudden death. "We will all die

Never before had Sue looked in the box that her husband Fred kept under their bed. The box had been

Two men were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freight vessel. While

A lawyer died. At the same moment, the Pope also died. They arrived at the gates of heaven at

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly

A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes

A blonde, brunette, and a red head were all in a race swimming breastroke accross the english

Three women sitting in a bar having a drink. Their boyfriends are all named Georgie. One day they decide

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his

A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills

One morning a local highway department crew reaches their job-site and realizes they have forgotten

A traveling salesman checked into a futuristic motel. Realizing he needed a haircut before his next

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and take turns boasting of their adventures on the high seas. The

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have

Three sisters decided to get married on the same day to save their parents the expense of separate

An Arkansas woman is in the welfare office filling out forms. The welfare officer asks her how many

Two rednecks were given a special SAT test to meet their admission requirements to the Military Academy.

Ben and Haley had gotten up in years, and their memories weren't quite what they used to be. They

German scientists dug 50 metres underground and discovered small pieces of copper. After studying these

"Yesterday, scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their

Two hunters are walking through a forest looking for deer. When all of a sudden, a giant bear jumps

Three guys go on a skiing holiday together and to save money they rented only one room. After a full

There were two ministers who met each Sunday morning riding to their particular church. They both enjoyed

A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of

A blind man and his guide dog enter a bar and find their way to a barstool. After ordering a drink

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

Three men are sitting naked in the sauna. Suddenly there is a beeping sound. The first man presses

Three prospective church goers attend a meeting with the clergy of a local church and ask to become

A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald's. He noticed that they had ordered

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversations.

Three Kiwis and three Aussies are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three Aussies

Three babies are in their mother's womb. One of them says, "I want to be an artist, so everyone will

Some not too smart gangsters decide to rob a bank. After several days of planning they agree on the

One day long ago, a man and woman got married. The man told the woman that there would always be a

A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their wedding anniversary. The husband gave

A family is driving in their car on a holiday. A frog crosses the road and the husband, who is driving,

A man received a bill for his as yet unused credit card stating that he owed $0.00. He ignored it and

Two Martians land in the middle of the night in a closed gas station. They get out of their space ship.

Three nurses went to heaven, and were awaiting their turn with St. Peter to plead their case to enter

Bill and Moe had started with only five hundred dollars between them, but they had built up a computer

A man walks into a bar with his dog and orders two glasses of whiskey. He proposes a toast and both

Two confirmed bachelors were sitting and talking. Their conversation drifted from politics to cooking.

Two children ordered their mother to stay in bed one Mother's Day morning. As she lay there looking

The world's first fully computerized airliner was ready for its maiden flight without pilots or crew.

A guy walked into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He put the alligator up on the bar. He turned

An elderly couple had been dating for some time and decided it was finally time to marry. Before the

A Mexican newspaper reports that bored Royal Air Force pilots stationed on the Falkland Islands have

Two men were working on top of a building. Unfortunately, they were not allowed any breaks by their

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center where he was to advise new recruits about their government

Two assassins are hired to kill a dictator in South America. They follow his every move for months,

Two men, sentenced to die in the electric chair on the same day, were led down to the room in which

A few housewives were sitting around the table talking, and the subject turned to their husbands. One

Three business men were sitting in a bar, drinking and discussing how stupid their wives were. The

The nuns at the local convent had their daily annoucement session. The mother superior walked out in

An old married couple was sitting in their rocking chairs enjoying a beautiful sunset when the old

It's the first of April, and Joe is out of town on business. He returns home to find out that his wife

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The

Three women who work in the same office notice that their female boss has started leaving work early

Three guys that all worked bulding high rise buildings sat down to lunch one day. The first one opens

There were two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high school and were

A man and his wife check into a hotel. The husband wants to have a drink at the bar, but his wife is

Four surgeons were sitting around discussing who they like to operate on. The first surgeon said,

A young couple got married, and in their family, it was tradition that the best man dance with the

At a restaurant, one of the customers noticed that all of the waiters had two spoons in their vest

A couple goes out to dinner to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. On the way home, she notices

A blonde woman competed with a brunette woman and a redheaded woman in the Breast Stroke division of

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident. Both of their cars are totally demolished but

Back in the old Wild West, there were two blond cowpokes, Jeff and Dave. One day, the two were enjoying

An 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been

A priest and a nun are on their way back home from a trip when their car breaks down. They are unable

Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says, "I want the men to make two lines.

In a train compartment, there are 3 men and a ravishing young girl. The four passengers join in conversation,

A ten-year-old boy was failing math. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis, but to no

An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had

A guy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what guys and girls do

A woman goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female

The general was confined to the military hospital for treatment of a minor malady. For almost

A blonde and a brunette are running a ranch together in Louisiana. They decide they need a bull to

A principal of a small middle school had a problem with a few of the older girls starting to use

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor

There were two evil brothers. They were rich, and used their money to keep their ways from the public

Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in the USA by boat and one says to the other, " I hear that the

Three mates are down the pub. Bill and Joe are arguing about the amount of control they have over

There were three friends Chris, John and Keith, who decided one sunny day to go for a walk in the

A dentist was getting ready to clean an elderly lady's teeth. He noticed that she was a little nervous,

An airline captain was helping a new blonde flight attendant prepare for her first overnight trip. Upon

Costello: Hey, Abbott! Abbot: Yes, Lou? Costello: I just got my first computer. Abbot:

A site called “Who Represents” where you can find the name of the agent that represents