there

An old woman dying in her old mans hand. Old man begs doctor for some help and says: -Please help,

Warning on a curling iron: Do Not Insert Curling Iron Into Any Bodily Orifice... My bathroom has inadequate

US Presidential nominee Barack Obama may have beaten Hillary Clinton but he has lost a Gmail id by his

Enough with the Poking, Lets Just Have Sex He pokes her, she pokes him, they poke each other back

This guy and this girl have been married for about 25 years and there sex just wasent happening anymore.

There was a huge nut tree by the cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and

In a company there's this tai-chi king. His tai-chi has reached the level where even the boss could do

There was this construction worker on the 3rd floor of this unfinished building. He needed a hand saw,

A man was ordered by his doctor to lose 75 lbs. due to very serious health risks. As he wondered how

A 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening and read's:Dear Wife (that's

A man walks into a hamburger shop and orders a regular meal. Later, the waitress brings his meal to him.He

A father, passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything

The new hooker just finished her first trick. When she came back down to the street , the seasoned veterans

A Man is carrying two babies, one in each arm. While waiting for a trainAlong come this woman and seeing

This story occurred on Melbourne radio. One of the stations has a competition where they ring someone

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy

A lawyer returns to his parked BMW to find the headlights broken and considerable damage. There's no

A business man met a beautiful girl and asked her to spend the night with him for $500. And she did.Before

"How'd you do it?" the doctor asked as he was setting farmer Joe Brown's broken leg."Well Doc," said

A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage

A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions

This one is long but well worth reading!In case your frustration level rises today, this is for everyone

You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as

Two Indians and a West Virginia Hillbilly were walking in the woods. All of a sudden, one of the Indians

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his

A man with a 20-inch penis went to his doctor to complain that he was unable to get any women to have

One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered

A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!"I grabbed my stuff,

Two guys left the bar after a long night of drinking, jumped in the car and started it up. After a couple

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.He breaks into a house to look for money and

Tarzan was walking through the jungle one day and got into a fight with a lion.The lion rips off one

There was girl who was a prostitute, but her grandmother didn't know about her occupation.One day, the

There was this case in the hospital's Intensive Care ward where patients always died in the same bed

An Arab has spent many days crossing the desert without finding a source of water. It gets so bad that

A blond man showed up at work one day with a black eye. When his co-workers saw him they asked him what

A very 'straight and honest' girl is going to Town. Before she left, her mother gave her some advice:

Michael Jordan made over $300,000 a game. That equals $10,000 a minute, at an average of 30 minutes per

A wife arrived home from a shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed naked, with a

Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new home. It's fun to cook for Tim. Today I made an angel

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats

Mr Samy Vellu attends a UN meeting on space exploration by 2008. He is representing the Malaysian Prime

A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him. As he sits down, the bartender comes over and

There was this little boy about 12 years old walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a

A typical macho man married a typical good-looking lady.After the wedding, he laid down the following

Bill Clinton is visiting a school. In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example

A Jewish student was doing well in school in all subjects except for Math. So his parents decide to send

Three guys died and went to heaven. St Paul was there looking down at the three of them, one is a reknowned

A man is out in the Chinese wilderness and he's hopelessly lost. It's been nearly three weeks since he's

A judge was interviewing a women regarding her pending divorce and asked, "What are the grounds for your

St. Peter is leafing through the Big Book to see if the guy is worthy of entering. After several minutes,

The class was very noisy just now because there wasn't any teacher, but now everyone suddenly turned

A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion.

A young man called John died and he went to Heaven to begin his afterlife journey. However, he was stopped

A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady forty miles per hour. The wife is behind the

Three vampires were on a tree, each bragging about being the best vampire of the three. All of the sudden,

There was a couple who were big over-spenders. They always dreamed to spend holidays in Hawaii, but were

The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his late

TO: All employeesFROM: The bossDATE: August 3, 2000RE: Foul LanguageIt has been brought to management's

A man had been driving all night and by morning was still far from his destination. He decided to stop

Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went to breakfast

Maria had just got married and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding

First-year students at a Medical School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human

An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While China, he is very sexually promiscuous and does not

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay

A blonde dials 911 to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her

Sam and a beautiful woman walk into a very posh Beverly Hills furrier. "Show the lady your finest mink!"

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain

It was the final examination for an introductory English course at the UW. Like many such freshman courses,

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party.She got a terrible headache and told her husband

A guy met a girl at a nightclub, and she invited him back to her place for the night.When they arrived

Two astronauts, a man and a women, were on a mission to go to Mars and make contact with intelligent

How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.The most effective

There was this guy sunbathing in the nude at the beach. Well, this little girl comes up to him, so he

An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action

Dirty Little Matt is sitting in the back of math class, obviously not paying any attention, when the

An Arab has spent many days crossing the desert without finding a source of water. It gets so bad that

PPO = Preferred Provider OrganizationHMO = Health Maintenance OrganizationThe Queen of England was visiting

There's a guy sitting inside a bar, just staring at his drink for about a half-hour. Then, this big truck

There was a middle aged couple, who had two stunningly beautiful teenaged blonde daughters. They decided

Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the gate, the angel tells Ford,"Well, you've been such a good

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's.He shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter

The young clerk's responsibilities included bringing the judge a hot cup of coffee at the start of every

A little girl was asked what she wanted most for her birthday and she declared: "A baby brother.""Daddy

A little guy gets on a plane and sits next to the window.A few minutes later, a big, heavy, strong, mean-looking,

Three men stand before St. Peter awaiting admission into Heaven. However, St. Peter has been informed

There were these three guys. They had been walking for 3 days and were very tired. They found a hotel,

Once there was this doctor that moved out to the country to become a farmer. He said to himself, "Well,

A guy went to a whore house for a piece of ass, but only had 5.00. The madam suggested that he go and

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car

There was once a Scotsman and an Englishman who lived next door to each other. The Scotsman owned a hen

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He has two large bags over his shoulders. The guard

One day, an "Ang Moh" from USA arrived at KLIA Airport. After he checked out from the customs,he felt

There was a husband and his wife sitting next to a drunk in a bar. Suddenly the drunk stands up and yells,

Trying to make up for bad behavior, Bill Clinton went to the shopping mall to buy Hillary a gift. "I'd

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theater. When the usher came by and noticed

A Texan, a Californian, and Oregonian are out riding horses. The Texan pulls out an expensive bottle

James was starting he's first day of job as a policeman. So as he was patrolling. He saw there's one

Q. How is your wife like a tornado?A. There's a lot of sucking and blowing, but in the end you lose it

A man goes to a restaurant and orders a chicken dish. By the time the food is ready and he is about to

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of

Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there, the guy

There's this guy who's in the market for a used motorcycle. Always wanted a nice big hog. So he's shopping

RelationshipsWhen a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit

Back in the time of the Samurai there was a powerful emperor who needed anew head Samurai so he sent

Between the ages of 15 - 20 a woman is like Africa.She is half discovered, half wild.Between the ages

A woman is drying herself after a shower when she suddenly slips and lands preadlegged on the bathroom

In a small airplane there were four people: the pilot, the Pope, Bill Gates and a hitchhiker. They were

Some time ago, there was this artist, who worked from a studio in his home. He specialized in nudes,

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't

An elderly couple walk into a fast food restaurant.

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari

There were four country churches in a small Texas

George Bush, Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld are

Mrs. Bacciagalupe comes to visit her son Anthony

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her more

A Florida couple, both well into their 80s, go

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night

There was this case in the hospital's Intensive

A Doctor was addressing a large audience: "The

George W. was out jogging one morning along the

What do you get when you cross a blue whale and

Harry and his wife are driving in the country when

1. There''s no "Donny & Marie Hanukkah Special"

Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers

10. No roof damage from reindeer 9. Never a silent

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.

A rather attractive woman goes up to the register

There were three priests in a railroad station,

A gentleman on a flight to Atlanta had a serious

A teacher asks her class, ââ,¬Å"If there

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After

Here are the top nine comments made by sports commentators

Here's a dilemma... With all your honor and dignity,

George W. Bush is visiting a primary school and

What''s that over there? Not a bull, but a person

One day a man forgot to tell his wife the couches

Once upon a time there were three little pigs.

Here's a dilemma for you... With all your honor

There was a man who had worked all of his life,

There's a teacher in a small Texas town. She asks

A drunk in a bar barfs all over his own shirt.

A blonde is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory.

A motorcycle cop pulled over a Lamborghini Diablo

A fat man sees an ad that reads "Lose weight. Only

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all

Knock, knock who's there? Orange Orange who?

Little Johnny was in class when the teacher asked,

There was a blonde, a brunette and a red head.

The Lone Ranger and Tonto were camping out one

Two cowboys walk into a roadhouse to wash the trail

Knock, knock Who's there? You ever hear the joke

This guy breaks into a house, and starts stealin

It was a dark, foggy night. A man was wandering

Q: Why aren't there any Wal-Marts in Afganistan? A:

A blonde walks into an ice cream shop and asks

There were three men on death row, a Brit, an American,

There were five people on a crashing air plane.

Knock knock You dumb ass, Iââ,¬â"¢m the

A tribal leader finds that his wife has had a white

A Canadian, an American and a China man are stranded

There were three astronauts an American, a Russian,

A man walks into a bar and orders shots for the

Q: Why did the city build a graveyard across the

A man dies and goes to Heaven. When he arrives

Q: What's the difference between a dead lawer in

On Irish radio there is a guy called Larry Gogan

There was a farmer who grew watermelons. He was

RANDOM AND CHEAP MARTHA STEWART JOKES What is

A plane leaves Los Angeles airport under the control

The British speech: "If you are ferocious in battle,

A young man goes out and buys the best car on the

There is a Navy guy and a Marine in the washroom.

A blonde was cooking dinner, when her kitchen caught

A blonde wearing a headset walks into a barbershop

While going through his wifeââ,¬â"¢s dresser

George W. Bush was out jogging one morning when

A woman arrives at the Pearly Gates and finds St.

Two bats are going for their midnight feed. After

There were two blondes at the park. One says,

A tourist walks into a curio shop and sees a life-like

One day in the middle of the desert a man's car

1. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead

Why did the zombie baby cross the road? To wreak

A bear was chasing a little rabbit. "Stop running

A guy found a sheep and showed him to a policeman.

A blonde goes into a music store and asks the guy

There was a man who loved baked beans, but they

There was a young girl who loved to wear skirts

The pope and a lawyer are on the elevator to heaven.

After dying a grisly death in an Afghan cave, Osama

One day, a blonde left work early to go home and

A blonde decides she wants to go ice fishing. So

There is this old couple and they have been married

A little boy and a little girl were taking a bath.

A bank robber was running from the law. The police

Q. How many lawyer jokes are there? A. Three...the

A brunette, a red-head and a blonde were in jail

Once there was a blonde who wanted to prove to

A plane is on its way to Houston when a blonde

A man goes to the nursing home to visit his 84

Knock, Knock. Who's there? Cargo. Cargo who? Cargo,

There was this guy who was sick,so he went to the

There were five blondes and one brunette holding

There was this lawyer who drove his shiny new Lexus

There was a little girl named Fufu. She went

A sailor walked into a bar with a small head. The

George Bush, Saddam Hussein and General Cosgrove

Once there was a man who was peacefully driving

Saddam Hussein was sitting down wondering who to

Saddam Hussein & his chauffeur were driving down

Saddam Hussein and George Bush are seated next

There was this redneck that walked into a bar and

A man is opening a restaurant and he asks one of

There were two bums walkin down a road. They both

There was a guy who worked for Blockbuster video.

There was an old couple sitting at a table. The

Why didn't the elephant like to play cards in the

A Jewish student was doing well in school in all

10. When he enters a room there is a burst of purple

Angelina Jolie: Puckered squid in mammary sauce

Bill Gates meets Hugh Grant at a Hollywood party.

1. If being chased through town, you can usually

Why are there so many trees along the streets of

* When speaking fast you can make yourself sound

A frenchman walks into a bar, smiles at the landlord

The Geography of a Woman Between the ages of

This week, the Bush administration finally released

Ignoring the fact that George Bush declined Saddam

A Michigan man was having coffee and croissants

A man hated his wife's cat and he decided to get

At the rate law schools are turning them out, by

Bush and Osama decided to settle the war once and

There was a competition to cross the English channel

If there were 4 potatoes in a room, which one would

There was a couple who did not want their children

There once was a lowly snail, who was busily crawling

A Drunken Night A guy wakes up in a drunken stupor,

One day a man walked in a bar with a box. He sat

I saw an interview in which an expert on military

Saddam Hussein phoned President Bush and said,

There are three nuns in a sanctuary who are about

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1.

Eddie went shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally

How can you tell if a redneck is married? There

An engineer died and ended up in Hell. He was not

A blond was driving along a country road, listening

Two men were hunting in the woods when, all of

There was a 40 year old man called Ian, and he

There are these 3 vampires. The first vampire walks

A guy goes to a house of prostitution. He selects

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her

One day a lawyer was riding in his limousine when

How can you tell a blond has been working at a

Traditional Capitalism: You have two cows. You

Once again the female staff will be offering courses

Once there were two farmers. One had a daughter

A few days before his proctological exam, a one

A man goes to the doctor and gets a check up. The

What would be the difference between a dead rabbit

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy

God: Men, what car you get in Heaven will depend

One day there was a blind man walking down the

A lady and her baby get on a bus. The bus driver

There was a blonde, a brunette, and a red head.

There was an American man that had an meeting in

There was this man walking on the beach and he

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all

Knock, Knock Whoââ,¬â"¢s there? I know

Knock, knock Whoââ,¬â"¢s there? Sorry,

Season's Beatings There's gotta be a better way

I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I

SICKNESS AND RELATED LEAVE: We will no longer

Knock, Knock Whos there? Highway. Highway who? Highway

A guy came home one day after getting fired from

1. ââ,¬Å"If my heart were a baked potato,

There was this woman see, and she takes a lover

A penguin walks into a bar and asks for a sandwich

One night a man decides to visit his local bar.

A young mother was having a consultation with a

Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole

"There are only two reasons to sit in the back

Joe and Wanda had a small apartment in the city.

Three couples went to see a minister to find out

A husband and wife, out enjoying a round of golf,

Three Americans were up against a very large Russian

Years of straining with poopie-ing, we can only

Hearts and roses and kisses galore... What the

According to a news report, a certain private school

Questions and answers selected from tests in Springdale,

At a nursing home in Florida, a group of senior

A woman arrives home from work and her husband

A highway patrol officer was driving up a mountain

A man was nervously pacing around the waiting room

A man had a terrible passion for baked beans, but

Two guys are drinking together, when one of them

An English professor told her students that there

What's the difference between Osama bin Laden and

1. My fellow Americans, I have taken much into

The Keith Richards: Smoked lungfish on a toasted

Why are there no female astronauts on the moon?

How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges? What

Why hasn't Osama bin Laden ever been circumcized?

Three guys: a Canadian, Osama bin Laden, and Uncle

My answer to "What to do with Bin Laden?" Well,

George W. Bush and Osama bin Laden are having a

Fifty Ways To Annoy Osama bin Laden If You're Invited

I think Santa Claus is a woman... I hate to be

If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company,

An Auburn student spent a holiday in New Mexico

Road rage: Who gives a BEEP! Why not raise a

Knock Knock Who's there? Yo mama. Yo mama who? Yo

"Oh my god! A brunette walked into a doctor's office

1. I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no

Question - What is the difference between a liberal

Q: What's the difference between a urethra and

What's the difference between a dead possum in

Q. How do you annoy your girlfriend during sex? A.

1. Hijack wheelchairs and speed around the hallways.

Nurse: Doctor, Doctor, there's an invisible man

A GOOD ONE... enjoy. There was this case in the

How many actors does it take to change a lightbulb? 1)

A ship of Marines is sailing along one day when

Why is there a flap on the back of the Navy Uniform? For

Pamela Anderson and the Queen of England die on

A blonde is driving along a deserted country road

A jumbo-sized freshman went to try out for the

Why aren't football stadiums built in outer space? Because

George W. Bush told Dick Cheney, "I really hate

An old cowhand came riding into town on a hot,

A young man was walking through a supermarket to

Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look

A squad of American soldiers was patrolling the

There were two old guys, Abe and Sol, sitting on

President Dubya was awakened one night by an urgent

Knock Knock. Who's there? Dumbass. Dumbass who? You

Knock knock. Who's there? Britney Spears. Britney

Knock knock Who's there? Arthur Arthur who? Arthur

Knock knock Who's there? Goliath Goliath who?

Knock knock Who's there? Katmandu Katmandu

All quotes 100% authentic, and courtesey of George

JENNA'S PREDICAMENT Do we really wonder why Jenna

Bush happens Life is like a box of chocolates.

Bush is my shepherd I shall not lie He leadeth

Knock knock Who's there? Britney Spears Britney

Once a Sardarji (a caste man in India ) goes to

Once a madman said, "Do you know there is a war

Joke from our friends in India... Once as Laloo

For the English and Aussies out there... What

Whether the cause is a previous night of drinking

Q: How do you get a Maryland graduate off your

One day little Johnny was walking up a hill pulling

I. Know that although the cat has the advantage

10) You have to explain to most foreigners that

Two Yankees fans are on a train up to Boston to

A few clues to being a true Louisianan: 1. Your

In this world God made Eve first and one day he

Dear U.S. Citizens, I have the distinguished honor

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." ...George

While suturing a laceration on the hand of a 90-year-old

At one point during a game, the coach said to one

A man from Atlanta moved to New York. As he wandered

I think that I shall never see a hazard rougher

During the Super Bowl, there was another football

1. Always looks like he's pledging allegiance.

A sardarji was working as editor in a daily newspaper.

There's a teacher in a small Texas town. She asks

1) The bandage was wound around the wound. 2) The

Men, please read this if you go to bars or clubs: Guys,

Little Jimmy had become a real nuisance while the

A stoner walks into a gas station and asks the

1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless

People get really upset when you use the "F" word.

Don't Say This to Your New Girlfriend's Parents... 1.

Advantages 1. It can get really weird 2. Someone

A frat boy gets into the back of a cab, and asks

A blonde walked into her final exam very nervous.

Last semester I took macroeconomics and didn't

A question had appeared in a student's medical

Three couples went in to see the minister about

Two blondes are shopping at the mall. When they

On the seventh day, God said, "Let there be football."

1. Drive through the drive-thru in reverse and

There's a fire at the whorehouse -- some come out

There once was a woman from France, Who did an

And the Lord spoke to Noah: ''In six months I'm

How do you know when a redneck isn't wearing any

Why don't women need watches? Because there's

There once was this group of strange beings called

There was this nouveau riche blond girl, who went

There were these three guys at a football game

I'M GLAD I'M A MAN I'm glad I'm a man, you better

Herman and his brother, Trevor live on a farm in

A man walked into an ice cream shop... Man: I'd

A man reluctantly attends his laywer's funeral

These are excuse notes from parents (with their

Bill and Ned walk into a fast food joint one afternoon

There was a Northern lady and a Southern lady sitting

A hillbilly is sitting in a bar, drinking, when

While walking home from work one day, Frank saw

A couple had been married for a long time, but

Bob just moved from New York City to Alabama. He

Q: Will I be reincarnated? A: Not unless there

A blonde walked up to a man and said, “Give

How do you describe a dyslexic, agnostic insomniac?

Two guys are at the doctor's office, each has got

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the

There once was this guy who was going on a date

Taoism: Shit happens. Buddhism: If shit happens,

AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18) You have an inventive

There was a blonde at a stoplight and it said “walk.”

There was an old professor who started every class

A private was serving duties at his barracks in

A man was walking down the beach when he found

God, Jesus and John the Baptist are playing golf

There was this guy who lived in Chicago. He was

There were these three bees trapped in a hive.

Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a

Late one Friday in Dublin, a policeman spotted

The preacher stood before the congregation. ''Brothers

There was a 80 year-old man that married a 21 year-old

Once upon a workday dreary, my stomach grumbled

Dermatologist: Good News my dear, aftr looking

Two weeks ago was my forty-fifth birthday, and

There was this hunk at a trade fair, flashing his

There was an old man named Bozo, and all he had

Boss (to the new employee): We are very keen on

There was a cowboy riding down a trail on his horse

A drunk man stumbled into a church where there

There was a blonde, two brunettes, and redhead

Knock, knock! Who's there? George Washington! George

Confucious say, ''There are three kinds of people

Why do women always fart only when they go to the

One day, the phone rang, and a little boy answered. "May

There once was pirate captain who, whenever it

It was Saturday morning and Jake, an avid hunter,

A man walks into a bar, sits down on a bench and

There was a man who owned a giant gorilla and he'd

One sunny day a man decided to go jump from an

Once upon a time there was a 98-year old woman

There were these two fleas in a bar. The first

An American cowboy was traveling in England and

Once upon a time, there was a king who thought

There was a young lady from Ealing, who had a peculiar

'Once there was husband and wife who had just bought

Three Americans were up against a very large Russian

A guy finally got tickets to the Super Bowl, but

A virgin boy turns 18, and asks his dad for money

Why are baseball players so cool? They always

There was this Indian who just came back from a

A blonde dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates,

A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care

A new contract for Santa has finally been negotiated.

Q: Why do they have so much trouble with the phone

Two aliens land their plasmic cosmo craft in Jack

While he was rooting around in the basement, a

There once was a little kid named Billy who loved

1) Large, loft-style apartments in New York City

A) Knock knock B) Who's there? A) Old Lady B)

This guy hears that there's good bear hunting up

How do you know if a blonde sent you a fax?

A ventriloquist is sitting onstage at a comedy

Q: There is a house. The front is facing south

A boy comes running into the kitchen and says,

There was a lady, who had a dog that she loved,

One Monday morning, Grover picking up the kids

There were four fleas on a woman's thighs. Two

Police arrested Joe Bloggs, a 27-year old white

One day, President Bush visited an elementary school.

There are three men in the bathroom, two Englishmen

There was a young woman who lived with her grandmother.

A little old man stumbles into a biker bar and

Q: Why is basketball the grossest sport there is?

A group of men go up into the mountains to go bear

One day, Little Johnny's class was reviewing the

There was a woman who had very small breasts and

A traveling salesman checked into a futuristic

There were five thousand Smurfs, and one Smurfette,

A man strolls into a pharmacy and asks the assistant

There were three dogs at a veternarian's office,

The other day I saw a ''Honk if you love Jesus''

There once was a young man named Billy Bob. Now,

There once was a toad that was excluded from all

There was a nintey-year-old lady who was still

Three nuns went to a football game and three men

A drunk is driving through the city and his car

There were two men sitting on a wall outside a

These three men were stranded on an island: a Nefoundlander,

A man hails a taxi, and gets inside. "5th and

Did you ever hear bout the crazy old man from Georgia?

A farmer rears 25 young hens and one old cock.

A Texan, a Californian and a Seattlite were all

Dr. Schambaugh, of the University of Oklahoma School

Two Canadian guys, Mike and Rob were on the roof,

Knock, knock? "Who's there?" A midget who couldn't

"Knock, Knock" >"Who's There?" ''Ach.'' ''Ach

One day, a farmer decides to buy a new rooster

1.Stick your palm open under the stall wall and

One Sunday morning, a priest wakes up and decides

Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle

There were three NASCAR fans on their way to a

* Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell

A young boy caught sight of his mother changing

If your brains were a fart, there wouldn't be enough

A 747 was starting its descent and the pilot had

There was this guy that went to the doctor to get

A man, Bob, and his friend Joe went out hunting.

One Sunday, a priest asked one of the church janitor

One day this guy goes in to the doctor's office

There was once a man from China, he wasn't a

A man walks into a bar with an alligator on a

Knock, knock! Who's there? Madame. Madame who? Madame

A guy walked into a restaurant and asked for some

A man with a fifty inch penis goes to the doctor

There was a man named Joe playing baseball on his

There was blonde who wanted to go on a diet. She

There was a Irishman, Mexican, and a blond guy,

How many blonde jokes are there? None, they're

A small north Florida wild animal park had acquired

There was a woman who wanted to repaint her house,

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were

A man on a plane asked the stewardess if he could

There was a guy driving down the road when he ran

What's the difference between a dead skunk lying

One day there was a woman who was about to have

Back in the day, when they stamped each can in

There was an older man who'd married a younger

An old man and women owned a farm. The old man

1. People who point at their wrist while asking

Due to the changes in the law, 69 is now 75. There's

Knock, knock! Who's there? Blow! Blow who? Blow

There's this midget with a speech impediment who

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing, so after getting

A man went to a gift store to buy his girlfriend

"Hey, there's a dikfer on your forehead?" "A what?" "A

There were three nuns talking and one nun said,

Once there was a sperm named Stanley. When all

Four people are in an airplane: the president,

A pilot was forced to make a crash landing in a

Once there was a guy that went in a whorehouse

On a sunny day, two fathers and two sons went fishing.

There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from

There were three pregnant women sitting together.

There are three whores sitting in a bar. The

Barnum & Bailey was transferring the circus from

Barbara Walters was doing a documentary on the

You're so poor that yesterday I saw your mother

There once was a scientist who studied frogs. One

This guy was really sleepy and needed a place to

The patient sat there looking ill and asked, ''Flu?''

A lady walked into a bar and there were no seats

A guy just died and he's at the pearly gates,

There was a woman and her husband. They were happily

A fellow strolled up to a lady at the bar and introduced

There were three guys in a car. One driving, the

There is this third grade class with this kid named

One day a man walked in a bar with a box. He sat

There was an old lady and her dog who lived on

A blonde was driving across several states to go

An old farmer decided it was time to get a new

There is a accordion player driving home from a

A father and his son go into the grocery store

One day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was

Knock Knock Who's there? Roxanne Roxanne who?

After praying nonstop for eight years, God finally

One day some fisherman caught tons of fish called

If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

One day, Farmer Brown went behind his barn and

This guy dies and goes to heaven. When he gets

How can you tell if a blonde was trying to drive

A little boy, wearing a big red fire hat, was riding

There was a brave with no sexual experience. He

One day a government worker was digging through

Once there was a blonde who really needed some

All drivers for Red Ball Express had orders to

A travelling salesman's car breaks down in the

A guy went to a whore house and asked the lady

Yo mama's so fat, she walked in the donut shop

There was an old man named Bill, and one of the

There's a guy who lives in Ohio. One morning, he

Once there was a blonde driving home from work

A redneck takes his daughter to the doctor to get

(Setting: A furious lightsaber duel is underway.

There were three boys all in third grade: an Asian

There was a little boy and a little girl in a

A blond guy and a brunette girl were happily married

Harold and Lloyd were speeding down the road when

Billy's homework assignment is to think of a true

There was a guy on a golf course that he had never

There was a guy, who was the most buff guy, and

There was this lion who had just eaten a bull,and

There was a long line of souls before the gate

A guy dials his home and a strange woman answers.

Three fans are walking to Fenway Park for the Red

Knock knock * Who's there? Nobel. * Nobel

There once was a lion, whose best friend was a

A couple has been married for 50 years. One day

This guy lives in Westchester, NY and goes to

There was a guy that was stranded on an island.

Why is the N.I.H. (National Institute of Health)

A cop drives up to lovers lane and sees a car there.

A man walks into a bar and sees a large chest of

A man was driving along a dusty road, when he ran

A man and his wife were invited to a swanky masked

The dean of a women's college, addressing her charges,

10) Who the hell Begets anymore? 9) Memo to Adam:

The priest and the rabbi were on a plane flying

One day a man goes into a hotel and asks for a

The ringmaster of a traveling circus was looking

There's a fine line between fishing and standing

Once there were two twins, Joe and John. Joe was

It is a normal drill day at the Marine base in

There was this guy who always went out drinking

There was this snail who wanted to be a Formula

A man went to England on a trip and met a woman

There was a husband and a wife. The husband was

There once was a man named Dave, Who kept an

A man lying on a stretcher in the emergency room

This guy buys an old bottle at a yardsale. Upon

A young man goes home from a war to see his mother

There was an old woman on a plane, sitting next

A father, mother, and son were going to Europe

A woman goes to an ice cream parlor and asks for

There were three dogs at a vet's office. The

Why do you need only two pallbearers at a lawyer's

Knock, knock. Who's there? Wayne. Wayne

A blonde is on a four-engine plane crossing the

One day in the city a bus driver was making his

Why is there a hole in the tip of men's penises?

An old man went to the social security office to

A man loses his hat, so he goes to church to steal

There was a young man from Calcutta Who spent

There were these two people in a bar, a boy and

One day there was a big lady swimming at the beach

How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

There was a man with a restaurant near a construction

There was a perfect man and a perfect woman. They

One day, two monks were in the vaults of the monastery

There's a senior citizen driving on the highway.

Once upon a time, there was a cat who died. When

There was a cowboy and an Indian riding through

Have you heard about the Irish abortion clinic?

In the Garden of Eden stood Adam With his hand

This guy who works at a pickle factory comes home

The European Union commissioners have announced

A drunken man staggered into a Catholic church,

If you throw a party, the worst thing you can do

How many perverts does it take to put in a light

An old farmer and his wife had a bunch of pigs,

There once was a young couple who lived in a town

Have you heard that OJ is starting a new Airport

There once was a girl named Suzy Brown Said no

A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver

You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay

A guy goes golfing with his girlfriend. As he tees

One day a preacher goes to visit an elderly lady.

Pete and Larry had not seen each other in many

A millionaire decides to throw a massive party

In the realm of the Mighty King Gates who has pulled

Once there was a man named BB. He had a very fat

There was a young man from Peru Who fell asleep

A brunette is walking through the country, when

There are three kinds of people in the world --

What if Data Ran Windows98? WORF: Captain, there

A lady shows up at her doctor's appointment. The

Being a huge Elvis fan, a pretty, young woman strolled

One Friday, two women were sitting and talking.

A guy walks into a bar with his dog on a leash

There was a man named Benny who loved to take

One upon a time there was a town with a new church

A month before Prom night the daughter goes to

There were two little crabs who met in Florida

Three guys walk into a motel and find out there

A sexy lady in a bar walks up to the counter and

There are two lesbians and two gay guys. Both

There were these two bums and they were hungry

A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel.

A woman goes to the gynecologist for the first

Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the state fair

There are three types of sex in a marriage. The

There were three men at a bar. One man got drunk

There were these two guys working late in a morgue,

There was a competition between a team of blondes

The world is going to end in three days, so God

There was once a boy whose father gave him a duck,

"Jimmy," says the teacher, "what would happen if

The preacher was very distraught after the death

A soldier at the Pentagon got out of the shower,

Once upon a time there were two men. One of them

A real tough guy dies and goes to hell, well he

An elderly man and woman meet in a bar and get

Three guys go to a hotel. They tell the man behind

George of the Jungle lived all alone in the jungle

A certain zoo had acquired a very rare species

A woman walks into a bank in New York City and

A woman walks into a tattoo parlor. She gets into

It's Saturday morning and Bob's just about to set

Yo mama is just like a campfire -- everyone gets

A man who was having heart trouble went to the

An Eskimo man awoke one day with the urge to go

1. Throughly clean the toilet. 2. Add the required

This Story is true!!! For all of you who occasionally

There once was a captain of a ship, and everyday

Two lawyers, Jon and Amanpreet, head out for their

There was a soldier that enlisted in the army to

There was a guy on the beach with about 25 gorgeous

There was a baby born in the hospital and he weighed

Dear Santa: You must be surprised that I am writing

There was this man who had a dog. Every Sunday

This blonde woman went to Canada to seek her fortune

A couple had been married for many years, and their

A city girl was driving back to town after attending

Knock, knock! Who's there? Polar. Polar who? Polar

Q: What is your date of birth? A: July fifteenth.

A man died and went to straight down to hell. The

There was a contruction worker who was working

Once there was a church that had a bell that no

A preacher wanted to raise money for his church

A man had a very small penis, so he went to a witch

There were three women sitting at a bar, talking

Two guys die in a car accident and an angel descends

A lady walks into a bar and says,'' Barkeep, gimme

Four guys are flying to Japan in their own jet.

One day, there's a man and his wife driving along

Why are there only 12 Republicans in heaven?

These two Scottish characters are chatting. One

A woman had been married so many times she was

This blonde was walking down a road carrying a

Long time ago, in the land of Persia there lived

A southern girl returned home after a summer with

One night a man walked into a bar with a brown

There once was a lady who was tired of living alone.

A woman comes into a hardware store. "May I help

There was an Indian chief who wanted to show his

Dave's friends came up to him after work one day

Knock knock? Who's there? Wurlitzer. Wurlitzer

Two good ol' boys were driving down the road

A man is fibbing away about how great things

Knock, knock! Who's there? Dishes! Dishes who? Dishes

1) In the middle of class, run to the middle of

Q: There were two gay men and two lesbians moving

It was the night of prom, and Sally didn't have

Three turtles, Joe, Steve, and Poncho, decide

ARIES (Mar 21-Apr 19) You are the pioneer type

(which in our society means over 25) An older

A regular guy and Tyra Banks are the only survivors

A man was scheduled to go before a firing squad

A little boy went to the bathroom at school, but

One misty Scottish morning a man is driving through

There was an Aggie, a Longhorn, and a Bug Eater.

A man walks into a whorehouse looking for a little

Ma and Pa are sitting out on the front porch one

One day a man was stuck in bumper to bumper traffic,

A man took a poop in a gas station and then realized

There were three couples, one elderly, one middle

Once there was a farmer. He had two teenage sons.

There was a long, long line of spirits at the gate

Knock knock. Who's there? Sham. Sham who? I

A guy walked into a bar and saw a golden mug on

There guy goes to a weight loss clinic and says

There was this bartender & he was working at the

There was a guy in the middle of the desert and

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but

You're so anal retentive, you could stick a piece

There was once a stockbroker who had made a ton

One day Mickey Mouse woke up and Minnie wasn't

Bill Clinton is out jogging around in some of

There was once a Scotsman and an Englishman who

A couple walked into the supermarket. They looked

(Disclaimer--Some of this stuff is illegal.) *Ask

A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday.

Many women are afraid of their first mammogram,

Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the Gates,

Three friends die and go to heaven. The first guy

This guy with a really small head walks into a

There was this teacher who was teaching young kids

For years it has been believed that electric bulbs

There were three southern belles that were sisters,

One day a Hippie gets onto a bus. He sees a beautiful

Once upon a time, there was a river. The Nile River,

There's a man in the prison hospital on death row

In a small town in California there lived two boys,

Once upon a time there were these two bums walking

A guy is on a date with this girl, so he takes

10. I think of you as a brother. Translation: You

The was a man named George who got a new job.

There was this little boy who had no name. One

One day there were four people absent from class.

There was a man who just got out of the army.

One day ole Boudreax was going out in his boat.

Horace was born with only one arm but he managed

One day a traveling salesman was driving down a

There was once three roughnecks named Crap, Manners

A boy was meeting his girlfriend's parents for

There was a lady at a bar. Every time she wanted

There was this one lady that bought a jar of pickles

Q: How can you tell a blonde's been in your fridge?

A cat and a chicken die but end up in the wrong

One day Gary Condit's wife died and went to heaven,

Q: Why do blondes smile when there's lightning?

A reporter heard that a farmer had animals that

One day, a man was fishing on a dock across from

Following a tragic boating accident, a husband

* You wonder why singers Sting, Wolf Blitzer, and

This guy is having an affair with a married woman

1. Ride mechanical horses with coins fished out

There was a cop on his horse waiting to cross the

A twenty-five-year-old man walks into a bar and

A man walking along the beach finds a magic lamp

A four-year-old boy and his father went to the

A lucky Aggie once won the lottery for $20,000,000

There was an Aggie, Longhorn, and a Red Raider

There was an elderly couple that went to McDonald's.

One day this Preacher decided that he would skip

A man was eating in a fancy restaurant, and there

There was a blonde driving down the road one day.

There was a man who got into a car accident. He

There were three guys who where rowing a canoe

One day, a man walks into a bar with an ostrich

There was a horny young lady named Lil, Who fucked

Bill Clinton and the Pope die on the same day,

A woman visits her physician. After waiting for

There's this Amish girl and she tells her mom that

Knock, knock! Who's there? Phyllis! Phyllis

A priest wanted to convince a prostitute to turn

There once was a man with a bald head and a pegleg

A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive

One day, Saint Peter called up to Heaven Bill Clinton,

Rule One: I am aware that it is concidered fashionable

Michael Jackson, his lawyer, and a small, cute

There was a old man sitting on a bench outside

Bertha was worried about her husband George, so

Two guys are golfing on a course that is right

There once was a very distraught woman, who was

Three hang-glider pilots, one Irish, one Australian,

There once was a woman who had a boyfriend that

There was a man who would come home blind drunk

(Attention: This must be read with an Italian accent,

One day a blonde, brunette, and redhead were on

This is a true story about a recent wedding that

One sunny Saturday morning, the first of a twosome

A man's house is on fire. He runs out of the house

1) How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

There were 3 basketball players, one each from

There are five people on a plane that's crashing.

There was a woman who was interested in getting

A guy is walking along the beach, when he meets

The Perfect Dump -- Every once in a while, each

Slash, a well-known murderer, had been on death

There was this Indian chief who was straining to

There were these two vampires talking. One says

A guy walks into a pub and says, ''Can you remove

Once there was a substitute teacher taking over

There was once a pair of high school sweethearts.

A teacher was teaching her second grade class about

A man joins the navy and is shipped out immediately

A man and his girlfriend go out to a bar for

The Englishman's, Irishman's and Scotsman's wives

Once there was a group of vampire bats that lived

A cop pulled over a car for swerving all over the

One day a group of husbands and wives went to a

Bill and Joe go into a hotel. The hotel has 100

Every year, Grandma and her grandkids, Suzy, Jill,

A frog goes into a bank, and hops up on the desk

This old guy goes into a church in a small town

The President was out walking on a beautiful snowy

In the suburbs, there's grass. In the ghetto,

If someone says "fuck you," just simply reply,

Aliens from Somewhere-Out-There just landed on

There were 2 whales swimming around who were very

There was this virgin that was going out on a date

How is a hurricane like a marriage? At the beginning

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly

A woman from Alabama, who knew absolutely nothing

A man was drinking in a bar when he noticed this

A man walks into the ice cream shop with his three

A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking

Knock Knock! Who's there? Matthew.

Knock knock. Who's there? Canoe. Canoe who?

A train hits a bus load of nuns and they all perish.

A blonde was swerving all over the road and driving

There was a chicken farmer who owned a talking

Two guys were walking their dogs and came across

Hillary Clinton died and went to Heaven. St. Peter

Once there was a liitle boy in church. He had to

A guy gets out of the V.D. Hospital and decides

An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds

One day, a man had an accident at work, which resulted

There were 11 blondes and one brunette on a rope

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that. 2.

Two missionaries in Africa were apprehended by

Just as mom walks though the door, little Jonny

Once there was this man whose car broke down.

A group of guys are on their way to a party, but

Three bears came out of hibernation and they were

Why do women rub there eys when they getup in the

A White man explaining to a Mexican man says that

One day, a fairy visits a lonely widow and says

Why don't women need driver's licenses? Because

Q: What's the difference between a man and a pig?

There was a man who had a 25 inch penis, so he

So this guy walks into a whorehouse and asks the

Once there lived a mother who had two sons who

Two bored casino dealers were waiting at the craps

There were three men who got stranded on an island.

The Tomato family is walking down the street. There's

There was a couple who did not want their children

One Sunday morning, a little girl and her mother

Knock knock Who's there? Katmandu Katmandu

How do you keep a blonde busy? Put her in

Why is there a flap on the back of the Navy uniform?

There was this woman who wanted bigger boobs. So

There was this man who really had to go to the

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping

There was this couple that had twins and they couldn't

There was an Asian lady who married an English

Guy 1: Hey! Why do you smoke cigarettes even though

* The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, ''What's

One day a medical professor and his class were

One day there was a 97 year old woman, who wanted

There were two muffins sitting in an oven. The

A man was sprawled across three entire seats in

Once there were two chinese gentlemen named Mr.

Once upon a time there lived a woman in Brampton

While cruising at 40,000 feet, the airplane shuddered

A blonde's house was on fire. She called 911 and

A fellow was ordered to lose 75 pounds, due to

Two gay men, Paul and Tom, were making love one

There was this American tourist in Mexico, and

Last week I took some friends out to a restaurant,

There was a man sunbathing on a beach naked. A

There was an old man from Nantucket Who had a

Three men are at the FBI Building for a job interview.

One day, there was a man sitting on a bus. Since

This priest was driving to his church when he saw

There was a man from Leek Who instead of a nose

There was a vampire who walked into a vampire bar

Once upon a time, Three Little Pigs walk into a

There were three men in a bar. All three were

There once was a man who decided to go scuba diving

There's a bunch of doctors gathered together at

1. You live in the center of the universe 2. Your

Once upon a time Nasa decided to send 3 astronauts

Two guys are hitting the links at their local golf

Once there was a penguin whose car broke down.

In the beginning was the Plan. And then came

There was a young man whose parents beat him all

There are four gay guys in a hot tub. A condom

Did you hear that nursing homes are starting to

A typical macho man married typical good-looking

An old wizard was walking through a park when he

There was a man whose elbow hurt so he told his

Yo mama is so fat that when she took a vacation

1. When the elevator doors close, exclaim loudly

There were nine blondes and a brunette hanging

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead were stuck on

A man was sitting next to a very attractive woman

* We got off the Titanic first. * We can scare

A man was stranded on an island for two years,

A drunk guy is telling a bartender how much he

Man who stick face in punchbowl get punch in nose.

Hallo? Is this Giganta? Giganta Crotchetta? Oh,

There was once an old pheasant who was chatting

There was a guy walking down the street in San

Knock, knock. Who's there? Banana. Banana who? Knock,

There was a blonde who was tired of all the blonde

It's wise to remember how easily e-mail can be

A man and woman had a son but when he was born

Did you hear that everyone in Minneapolis quit

Superman was flying around the city and was super

A hunter gets up early one morning and tells his

20) With chocolate size doesn't matter; it's always

Why are there hardly any dental professionals in

There was a man who was drivivng down the road

There were two blondes as roommates and they both

WARNING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!There is a new virus : Viagra

One day there were two boys playing by a stream

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my

Once there was a man with a girlfriend named Loraine.

Dearest John, I went to the door today and the

There are two coins that add up to $0.30, one is

A guy is in a bar with a bunch of his friends.

A blonde went to go get her haircut wearing pair

1. Weed 2. Vancouver: 2 million people and

A masked man walks in to a sperm bank, pulls a

A police officer pulled over a driver and informed

Knock knock! Who's there? Boo. Boo who?

What do the toes say when they meet? "There

A minister wound up the services one morning by

A man named George was new in the city and needed

Knock, knock! Who's there? Boo! Boo who? Don't

A leprechaun and his friend walked into a bar one

Knock, Knock? Who's there? Olive. Olive

A first-grade teacher asks her students to give

A young, innocent couple got married. On the first

One day there were two men walking down a dirt

Once upon a time there were three men lost in a

Person 1: Knock, Knock Person 2: Who''s there?

What do you get when you cross a lawyer and a pig?

This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up.

A man was visiting Spain and passed by a restaurant

There were three blondes living together. Blonde

What do you have if there are 100 rabbits standing

There were once three boys in a classroom called

There were three strings that walked into the bar.

A father asked his son, Little Johnny, if he knew

A woman gives birth to a baby and afterward the

You wake up face down on the pavement. You

There was a guy walking down the street when he

One day there were three boys walking down the

There were two blondes, one was on one side of

A man was relaxing with his evening paper, when

A blonde, a brunette, and a man are driving in

There is this extremely horny guy who loves to

Once there was a bear taking a dump in the forest.

One night, a cabbie was driving through the streets

There were these 3 criminals who had just robbed

I'm currently running the latest version of GirlFriend

One day, a blonde went to go get lessons on how

A doctor at an (insane) asylum decided to take

There was this guy named John that went to heaven.

Little Johnny was sitting in class one day, when

Once there was a farmer with three sons. One day

What's the longest word in the dictionary? Smiles.

Knock, knock! Who's there? Wooden shoe. Wooden

Knock, knock! Who's there? Thistle! Thistle

There was a tourist on a farm and he asked the

There was a father and son who went on a fishing

There once was a man named Joe and he was talking

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your

A woman who was rather old-fashioned, delicate,

One afternoon, a princess decided to go for a ride

On Christmas morning, a cop on horseback was sitting

Forrest Gump dies and goes to heaven. The gatekeeper

A man and a woman meet in a hospital donation clinic.

There were these two guys at the pub, and one guy

An elderly couple decided to take a cruise to spice

There once was this deacon and this preacher, and

There are approximately two billion children (persons

Betty & Tim were killed in an auto accident on

Ghost Poopie- The kind where you feel the poopie

There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of

There was a dentist, an electrician, a salesperson,

These two friends are about to go to a club. One

There was a chicken and a horse playing together

A young boy of four was going into hospital to

There is this dumb blonde who likes animals, but

A dwarf and a normal woman met at a party. The

These two persons are discussing whether the state

There are two blondes playing golf. One tees off

A guy (we'll call him Aaron) was laying down carpet

There are two flies sitting on a pile of poo.

Once there were three bats. They lived in a cave

Two 6 year old boys were attending religous school

Rush Limbaugh and his chauffeur were out driving

A gorilla walks into a bar. The bartender comes

This is actually a true story that happened to

A fat dude goes to his doctors, because he needed

A newlywed couple had just arrived in their honeymoon

A farmer has to go out to plow his rental field

1: Passionate kiss like spider's web. Soon lead

Q. Why aren't there any nails in a lesbian's coffin.

There was a successful doctor who had an office

A football player walked into a motel on a rainy

"Bartender, gimme 'nother drink, says a very drunk

A man comes home to find his wife packing her bags

One time at a local golf course three shitty players

Knock knock. Who's there? Hatch. Hatch

One night a bartender was closing up his bar and

A man walks in his room after work and is suprised

There were three men standing at the Pearly Gates

A woman went camping and while she was out she

A blonde carpenter was fixing up some wooden window

A blonde was about to commit suicide by jumping

A man visits the doctor's because he has a severe

10. Likes people that oppress him: teachers, parents,

There once was a toad who was a bit different than

Once there was man named Jim, who let his dog out

There was this guy who wanted to quit smoking.

Q: How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Knock-knock. Who's there? Madam. Madam

There's this husband and wife that have twin beds

The phone rang at the motor pool and an authoritative

Once there were these two morons sitting on a rock.

A couple has just finished having sex. They ALWAYS

A little kid walks into a movie theater one day.

There was a hound dog laying in the yard and an

A math teacher and his wife were both 54 years

There was a boss who was told by his boss that

This city guy just bought a 400 acre ranch. He's

Once upon a time, there was a man who came home

What does a blonde say when she's asked if she's

A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates.

A dying man gathered his best friends - a lawyer,

What's the difference between a dead skunk in the

One day, there was a cowboy riding a horse in the

A bear walks into a bar and asks the bartender

How can you tell when a blonde has been baking

On the day of her wedding to Prince Edward, Sophie

A guy walks into a bar with his pet dog. The

There were three extremely poor men. They were

A little boy is walking along on a nude beach.

Back when Bill Clinton and Hillary got married

Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out

How do you know your bartender doesn't like you

A guy goes over to his friend's house and knocks

There was a woman who got married. Her husband

There is this couple, and the wife is very self

There once was a boy who named Odd. A lot of people

A tourist has been visiting Cuba for a week. He

One day, Monica Lewinsky found a lamp. She rubbed

A young Irish lad had fallen in love with a girl

This guy comes home from work one day to find his

There's a guy and a lady sitting on the porch.

There was a guy in a bar and he asked the bartender

Why did the referees stop the leper hockey game?There

There were three preachers: a Catholic, a Baptist,

Three college students were in England and were

1. Your Jedi robe is a camouflage color. 2.

Is there a mirror in your pocket? Because I can

Bob is a regular guy out at a local bar One night

Once upon a time there was a family of tomatoes

A man and his wife are stranded on a desert island.

Bill Gates dies, and ascends to the Pearly Gates

There was a man once that was always talking about

Knock, Knock. Who's there? Interrupting cow. Interrupting

* If the enemy is in range, so are you Incoming

There once was this blonde riding a horse. After

Q: Why are there no dumb brunettes ? A: Peroxide.

There was a mamma mole, a papa mole, and a baby

There is this trucker and he is driving down the

There's this fellow with a parrot. And the parrot

There are 2 clones, one of the clones is real nice

Belts. Women use belts an an accessory, guys use

Why are there no fertility clinics in Arkansas?

In prison you spend the majority of your time in

This guy went into a bar and ordered a beer. He

To my darling wife: During the past year,

There was an old lady walking down the streets

(Sing to the tune of the Beverly Hillbillies)

How can you tell if a University of Tennessee football

Knock knock! Who's there? Amaryllis.

There was this pot-head walking down a road when

Hey, I heard there's a party in your mouth and

There once a man who worked in a pickle factory.

All men are idiots, and I married their King.

Once there were 3 little pigs who lived together

As he is quietly watching television at home, a

1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or

Three men walk into a bar and the barman says,

A man was digging in his garden, when his shovel

One morning, a man approached the first tee, only

1) You can GET chocolate. 2) “If you love

If Oracle made toasters... They'd claim their

There are three kinds of rings: the engagement

There is no truth to the rumor that the Florida

There was once a man who had problems satisfying

A bald man with a peg leg gets invited to a costume

Two dumb blondes were driving through the middle

There once was a man from Cass. Whose balls

It's a really hot day and this penguin is having

Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful

One night a man decides to visit his local bar.

There's a woman that has a big problem when it

There was a doctor that had been having sex with

Lesson number one: A crow was sitting on a tree,

One day two girls were trying out for the school

Two blondes were shopping at the mall. When they

A little old lady goes into the Chase Manhattan

There are two cows in a field. One says to the

A man and a woman were on a nude beach when a wasp

There was a young country boy who was very bright.

With a screech of brakes, an ambulance pulls up

Once, a long, long time ago, in a small village

A redneck boy runs into his house and proclaims,

There was a little boy who got up one morning and

Joe stopped at his favorite watering hole after

George W. Bush, Dick Cheney, Colin Powell, and

The pentagon said they had too many generals running

Knock, knock! Who''s there? Little boy blue. Little

A man was heading to England and his next-door

Two airplane mechanics named Bob and Tim work at

A guy goes out one day, hunting for bear. After

I'm sitting on this plane, eating my dinner, when

With a screech of brakes, an ambulance pulls up

There was an old couple lying in bed watching TV

There were three men working at the top of a building.

A teacher asks her class, "If there are five birds

President Clinton opened doors for future presidents.

This lady is throwing a party where each guest

Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac?

''Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!'' ''That's

Women do not snore, burp, sweat or pass gas. Therefore,

Squawks are problems left behind by airplane pilots

An old lady sits on her front porch, rocking away

Did you know that there are 265 bones in the human

A man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy

There was a Kentucky redneck and an Ohio buckeye,

One day three women were at a beauty parlor talking

One night a father sent his kid to bed. Five minutes

There was a hooker who lived in a condo on Lake

A survey of top personnel executives of 100 major

Teacher: John, give me a sentence using the word,

A Scottish man, an Englishman and an Irishman were

An American businessman goes to Japan on a business

Once there were two best friends, named Fred and

A Texan, a Russian, and a New Yorker go into a

How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't —

You might be a redneck if there has ever been a

Q: What did Clinton say when asked if he had used

Q. If there's H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant,

You might be a redneck if you can't get married

Knock, knock Who's there? Some Some who? Some

Q: What is the definition "lucky break?" A: When

Larry, a local football star, is jogging down the

In a trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes through

Cross my heart this happened to someone. This guy

A first grade teacher collected well-known proverbs.

"Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated." "What

A guy heard from his doctor that masturbating before

Joe took his blind date to the carnival. "What

1. The mouse is referred to as a "critter."

    There is a man who has three girlfriends,

There were three women who always hung their laundry

    According to inside contacts,

A man was walking through a wealthy neighborhood

A woman went into a pet shop to buy her boyfriend

    An elderly woman entered a large

A couple took their young son for his first visit

A young woman with small breasts buys a finely carved

Two couples were playing cards.  John accidentally

Ã, Ã, Ã,  A truck driver was driving along

Ã, Ã, Ã,  A Frenchman, an Englishman and

20) "That's weird..." 19) "It's

Shit is a powerful word. Just think of all the

    A couple go to Mexico City for

Two old guys, Abe and Sol, are sitting on a park

Sister Mary Katherine lived in a convent, a block

An old man and woman were married for years, even

A new guy in town walks into a bar and notices

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock

A man was stranded on a desert island for 10 years.

Twas the Night before Christmas, and all through

At the 1994 annual awards dinner given for Forensic

A madam opened the brothel door to see an elderly

A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned

Little Johnny, on a day when he was being particularly

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle.

As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I can get

A panda walks into a bar. He sits down, and asks

Teacher: "Four crows are on the fence. The

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing

Three engineering students were gathered together

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting

There was a little boy named Johnny who used to

1. Life is sexually transmitted. 2. Two wrongs

Joe and Wanda had a small apartment in the city

Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting

When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first

WHAT WOMEN SAY & REALLY MEAN: CAN'T WE JUST

There were three old ladies sitting on a park bench

Upon dying, Bill Gates went to purgatory. St. Peter

Doris and Fred had started their retirement years

"You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women,

Members of Congress...people of America....I banged

      AT&T fired President John

I called a company and asked to speak to Bob.

Intelligence Test Instructions: Write each of

All-Purpose Excuse Form, designed to get you out

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates.

Due to widespread panic about the Y2K bug, Internet

Similarities between the Titanic video and the

   As you grow older, what lost

An old man in Mississippi is sitting on his front

A fellow bought a new Corvette and was out on an

Hillary Clinton went for her annual exam. After

A nun gets into a cab and the cab driver won't

Sam and a beautiful woman walk into a very posh

It seems there was two brothers by the same name

A little old lady buys a pair of parrots, but cannot

A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked

"I'm going fishing." Really means... "I'm going

A young couple were married and they were having

A young blonde stock broker was bored with her

A little old lady wanted to join a biker club. She

A male whale and his mate were swimming around

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent,

When the ark's door was closed, Noah called a meeting

Harry and his wife are having hard financial times,

There are three men in a hotel each wanting

A women desperately looking for work goes into

    Two Italian virgins get married

Two cowboys are leanin' up against the rail at

After a Christmas break, a teacher asked her young

A man is very ashamed of his penis because of the

Q: How does a redneck tell the difference between

A cowboy was passing by a ranch and decided to

    A few months ago, there was

A woman is in bed with her lover, who also happens

Are you considering having children? To determine

Two Texans were having the blue plate special at

A farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster and

A young lady was standing in front of a shoe store

1) Everyone around you has an attitude problem. 2)

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed

There was this couple who had been married for

Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to

A man who was a little slow was visiting his wife

A man staggers into an emergency room with two

Q: How many blonde jokes are there? A: One.

Q: How can you tell a blonde's been using the computer? A:

There were three babies in a woman's womb, and

A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an

    One day, a man named Tony died.  

NAME: "Expecteria Trouserius" (Trouser Snake) LOCATION:

There was a great loss today in the entertainment

The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven. He's

    What to not say to the nice

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada

Will the Real Dummy Please Stand Up?! AT&T

1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well-lighted

A man noticed a woman in the grocery store with

'Twas the night before crisis, And behind White

Senator Hillary Clinton snuck off to visit a fortuneteller

A man had a terrible passion for baked beans, but

A guy comes home from the bar drunk one night around

(sung to the tune of Walking in a Winter Wonderland) Dogs

    This is from a contest on Long

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway,

There was an Englishman an Irishman and

A guy walked into a pro-shop with a gorilla. "Is

    William and Mildred were married

When you are dating..... Farting is never an

I did not do it in a car I did not do it

About ten recruits are making their first parachute

Once upon a time, there was a little old man who

A woman and man get into a car accident. Both

There was a world famous painter who, in the prime

    Psychologists have discovered

Let's watch Lifetime! Sex is overrated. I don't

Cover charge:  $15.00 Round of drinks: 

A guy gets home early from work and hears strange

In the back woods of Arkansas, Mr. Stewart's wife

    In Lebanon, men are legally allowed

    Yes, it's hard to believe, but

    DETROIT--With third-quarter

You learned to swim about the same time Jaws

A newlywed couple just moved into their new house.

Harry and Martha were sitting down to their usual

    Stupid people should have to

Mr. Johnson had been retired for a year when his

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night

In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining

Ru Paul, Bill Gates, and Roger Ebert are all struck

A man calls the Animal Control in his town, because

    One day a hunter was walking

Two guys were hiking in the mountains when they

NICKNAMES If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose

    A little girl asked her mother

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed

On Tough Jobs that Involve Letters: “It's

$ Michael Jordan having "retired,"

    Every night after dinner, Merle

One Sunday, Shane walks into a church and kneels

There once was a farmer who was raising 3 daughters

An old guy walks into a bar and asks for a bottle

One of the women with whom I work, Donna, has a

A blonde walks into the hairdresser with headphones

A young Bulgarian peasant girl of fourteen went

Monica Lewinsky virus: Sucks all the memory

    Curators at India's Baroda Museum

1) Page yourself over the intercom.  Don't

Why did the chicken cross the road? KINDERGARTEN

Donny is a 17-year-old ninth grader who is becoming

It is near the end of the school year.  The

There has been a recent discovery among archives

A couple, both age 67, went to a sex therapist's

This is a true story from the WordPerfect helpline.

A businessman returns from the far east. After

Listen my children, and you shall hear Of

On the day of the Royal Wedding, Sofia was getting

A farmhand is driving 'round the farm, checking

For a couple years I've been blaming it on iron

15 - You spent Sunday night in jail for cow-tipping

An FM station has a competition where they ring

    The following information was

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he

There was an old couple who hadn't celebrated Halloween

Run one lap around the office at top speed

People are always on the lookout for a new diet.

    For all you guys out there who

A young female teacher was giving an assignment

Jack tells his doctor how he can no longer sustain

Element Name: MAN Symbol: XY Atomic Weight: (180

John invited his mother over for dinner. During

Three couples went in to see the minister to see

Introductory Chemistry at Duke has been taught

A blonde wanted to sell her car, but couldn't find

During WW II an American soldier had been on the

A young wife, her boorish husband and a young good

A waitress walks up to one of her tables in a New

Ã, Ã, Ã,  If you receive an e-mail

10. The quicker picker upper! 9. One a day,

A guy sees his new neighbor out in his backyard,

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's,

This is not meant to be crude. It is strictly for

1. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out

Three guys died and when they got to the pearly

Some of the finest quotes from the Honorable Marion

A married couple was in a terrible accident where

A Scottish old timer is talking to a young man

Scientists at NASA have developed a gun built specifically

A Polish man was taking a flight on a commercial

A newlywed couple on their honeymoon gets to the

One day at the end of class, little Johnny's teacher

December 14, 1972 My dearest darling John:

A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night.

When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard.

Monica's Diary Entry 1 Dear Diary, I'm so excited!

One day, Jeffrey complained to his friend, "My

The bartender was washing his glasses when an elderly

A man goes to visit a fortune teller. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED: 1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats. 2)

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend. When I was 16 I got a girlfriend,

Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested

Dress Code: 1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary. 2) If we see

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver

There are many stories related to the sinking of the "Titanic." Some have just come to light due to

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave

Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she

I'm reading an incredibly interesting book about antigravity. "I just can't put it down." I am

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: 'Hi, how are you?' I'm

Dear employee: As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for all department areas, we are

It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds. As he was checking a used car

I've noticed the strangest thing about men who hang out in bars a lot. It seems they have only

BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a CHANGE! The chicken

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique

You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and

A mother and a baby camel were talking one day when the baby camel asked, "Mom, why do we have these

Irish greyhound racing authorities have banned trainers from giving dogs the anti-impotence drug Viagra

1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out. 2. Age is a very high price to pay for

A guy is going on a tour of a factory that produces various latex products. At the first stop, he

The George W Bush Presidential Lie-berry is now in the planning stages. You'll want to be the first

I was working in a scrap yard in Southern England during summer vacation at an engineering university.

Police arrested Malcolm Davidson, a 27 year-old white male resident of Wilmington, NC, in a pumpkin

Creation vs Evolution has been settled! A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race

Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak. But all

Four United States Presidents get caught up in a tornado.... and off they whirled to the land

1. Teaching Math In 1950s A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production

A society lady runs into the employment office one day and demands a maid "right now". It seems

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul

Joan, who was a rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on

Two bees met in a field. One said to the other, "How are things going?" "Really bad," said the second

A couple got married and, following the wedding, the husband laid down some rules. "I'll be home when

A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator? The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator,

An exhausted looking blonde dragged himself in to the doctor's office. "Doctor, there are dogs

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6 year old.

A blonde goes into a coffee shop and notices there's a "peel and win" sticker on her coffee cup. So

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine

Closer Than You Think! An unemployed man goes to apply for a job with Microsoft as a janitor. The

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned

In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest

It was March 6, 1836. On that fateful day, Davy Crockett woke up and rose from his bunk on the main

The owner of a drugstore walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall with an odd look on

Tom did like he always does, kissing his wife, crawling into bed and falling to sleep. All of a sudden,

A very traditional elderly woman was enjoying a good game of bridge with her girlfriends one evening.

One of the best marksmen in the FBI was passing through a small town. Everywhere he saw evidences

A guy had been feeling down for so long that he finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist.

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied. On

There are many stories related to the sinking of the "Titanic." Some have just come to light due to

Two male friends are out golfing one Saturday afternoon. After finishing one hole, they wait for

A nun was in a hurry on her way to her job at the local Catholic Charity Hospital when her car suddenly

In the early 20th Century, Thomas Edison was spreading the word about electricity. Once, while

A redneck farmer from back in the hills walked twelve miles, one way, to the general store. "Heya,

George Bush meets with the Queen of England. He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient

At a recent convention of biological scientists, one researcher remarked to another, "Did you know

Maria had just got married and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding

a.. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity. b.. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian

An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married & settled down in their old neighborhood.

INFORMATION YOU NEED TO HELP YOU CHOOSE YOUR NEXT HEALTH PLAN .. Q. What does HMO stand for? A.

A film crew was on location deep in the desert. One day an old Indian went up to the director and

There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table

A new manager spends a week at his new office with the manager he is replacing. On the last day

"I'M GOING FISHING" Means: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall

There was a Midwestern phone company that was going to hire one team of telephone pole installers,

A plane was taking off from Kennedy. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain

Once my divorce was final, I went to the local Department of Motor Vehicles and asked to have my maiden

A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older

A World War II pilot is reminiscing before school children about his flying days during the war.

One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates,

An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover

A blonde is roller-skating down the board-walk one day. She's just skating along in her lycra pants,

Two couples were playing poker one evening. Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new

A retired corporate executive, now a widower, decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean

A guy walks into a bar and sees a gorgeous woman nursing a drink. Walking up behind her he says:

Four college friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to go up to Dallas

A married fellow gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes

A young girl from Ireland leaves home to find work in the bright lights of London. She comes home

Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome. One has a cross in front of him; the other

A man and his wife were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, agreed

A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500. They did their

Customer: Hi. How much is your paint? Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things. Customer:

I believe in having sex on the first date. At my age, there may not be a second date. Senior Campbell's

Teaching Math in 1950: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of

A young woman was preparing for her wedding. She asked her mother to go out and buy a nice long black

Mary was having an affair during the day while her husband was at work. One day, she was in bed with

No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do: 1.They replicate quickly - okay, Windows does

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the

Three old mischievous Grandmas were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home. About then an old

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." Winston Churchill "A modest

An Englishman A Scotsman and an Irishman are all setting in a bar in New York discussing about how

During a recent outing in New Orleans, a woman sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide

A mother and her young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The son turned

1. What are you thinking about? 2. Do you love me? 3. Do I look fat in this? 4. Do you think

A blonde was visiting Washington, DC for the first time. She wanted to see the Capital building. Unfortunately,

Dress Code: 1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary. 2) If we see

A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO It is also the most

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb

A first grade teacher collected old, well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda,

1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't. 2..

Me: Hello. AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T. Me: Is this AT&T? AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T. Me: This is

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender can't help but stare at the

A hunter walking through the jungle, found a huge, dead dinosaur, with a pigmy standing beside it.

other day my neighbour, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway just jumping for joy!

A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls. They

Entries in a Dog's Diary: 7 am - Oh boy! A walk! My favorite! 8 am - Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite! 9

A priest from Ireland was assigned to a Texas diocese. One morning, Father O'Malley rose from his

After working most of her life Grandma finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her

A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure

Between the ages of 15-18, a woman is like China or Iran. Developing at a sizzling rate with a lot

1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow. 2. Money will buy a fine

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them?

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with

On that fateful day, Davy Crockett woke up and walked from his bunk on the floor of the Alamo up to

A Japanese company ( Toyota ) and an American company (General Motors decided to have a canoe race

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was

TWO DUCK HUNTERS FROM WISCONSIN: ABSOLUTELY A TRUE STORY HEARD ON A WISCONSIN RADIO STATION REPORTING

A guy receives an ad in the mail for a golf resort where everything costs one dollar. He jumps at the

An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that

Last week my tie caught on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with an ax! I met the surgeon general.

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.'

(Actual letter from an Iowa resident and sent to his senator) The Honorable Tom Harkin 731 Hart

Grandma's letter; She is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes: Dear

Herbert A. Millington Chair - Search Committee 412A Clarkson Hall, Whitson University College Hill,

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men

An old man and woman were married for many years, even though, they hated each other. When they had

On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules: "The

This guy walks into a bar wearing a Lion jersey and carrying a little dog that also has a Lion jersey

Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age? Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old. Defense

There was once an aspiring veterinarian who put himself through veterinary school working nights as

TO: MR. JAMES THATCHER, BRAND MANAGER, PROCTER & GAMBLE. Dear Mr. Thatcher, I have been a loyal

Eddie was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed. She told him "Tomorrow

Jack was sitting in an airplane when another guy took the seat beside him. Jack noticed that the guy

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. Garden

This is a true account recorded in the incident log of Jasper Cty, SC Sheriff's Office. An elderly

A fifteen year-old boy came home with a new Chevrolet Avalanche and his parents began to yell and scream,

A young boy had just gotten his driver's license and inquired of his father if they could discuss his

Bubba went to a psychiatrist. "I've got problems. Everytime I go to bed I think there's somebody under

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died,

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings currently on display. "I've

One day, there was a catastrophic event that caused all living creatures on Earth to die. To sort things

A woman named Jill stood up at her church's Testimony Meeting one Sunday morning, took the microphone

The old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years he had faithfully served the people of the nation's

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants. Marriage changes

There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby so he went before the congregation and asked for

People who live in glass houses should make love in the basement. Never read the fine print. There

A lady walked into a Lexus dealership just to browse. Suddenly, she spotted the most beautiful car

A teacher notices that a little boy at the back of the class is squirming around, scratching his

A couple had only been married for two weeks and the husband, although very much in love, couldn't

A young man got a license to trap furs for the winter in Alaska. After buying supplies in a local town

A man calls the Animal Control in his town, because there is a crazed gorilla on his roof, and he can't

There was a fly buzzing around a barn one day when he happened on a pile of fresh cow manure. Due to

When young Jose, newly arrived in the United States, made his first trip to Yankee Stadium, there were

As You Slide Down the Banister of Life, Remember: 1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an

Even if you aren't a skier, you'll be able to appreciate the humor of the slopes as written by a New

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave

Dorothy and Edna, two "senior" widows, are talking. Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me

Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder and made a spectacle of himself? Doctors

On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons. Early one morning, the woman

An Italian, an Irishman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a Sydney construction site. The foreman

There was a boy standing on a corner selling fish. He was saying, "Dam fish for sale, dam fish for

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend. When I was 16 I got a girlfriend,

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers

When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a

Mark and Paul stopped into an English pub for a drink. They called the proprietor over and asked him

Golf balls are like eggs. They're white, they're sold by the dozen, and every week you have to buy more. A

Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed my

A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the

It's wise to remember how easily email can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences. Consider

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders.

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may

WATER...... It has been scientifically proven that if we drink 1 liter Of water each day, at the end

To all Employees: It has been brought to Management's attention that some individuals throughout

1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen. 2. When you get to

There was a church down in Southwest Texas that had a very big-busted organist. Her breasts were so

A couple arrived at town hall seconds before closing time, and caught a judge just as he was about

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by kids) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff.

A little boy and girl go trick or treating. They knock on the door of this house and the man who

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his

A first grade school teacher in Virginia had twenty-five students in her class. She presented each

The teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra.

A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago: "The material we put into our stomachs

At Heathrow Airport in England, a 300 ft. red carpet was stretched out to Air Force One and President

The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his late

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. He

The AMA and NZMA has declared that the long term implications of drugs or medical procedures must

An elderly couple were driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags, one in each hand. There's

Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which, by mistake, happened to end up in a man's head.

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg. It's tough

There were two old men sitting on a park bench passing the day away talking. One old man asked the

"Are you religious? Because I could be the answer to your prayers." "Is there an airport nearby

An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living the last of his life in a nursing home. One day he appeared to

Annoyed by the professor of anatomy who liked to tell "naughty" stories during class, a group of female

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program. The next day, there's a knock

After getting all of The Pope's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife turning back and forth, looking at

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow?

There was a midget down in Texas whose testicles ached almost all the time. The midget went to

REVISED HIGH SCHOOL MATH PROFICIENCY EXAM FOR SO. CAL. NAME______________________________ GANG

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, and

I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy."

"Hillary Clinton's 506-page memoirs has come out. So much of her personality shines through, that

Ok now, you and the lil missus is walkin home frum a good day of doin yur cumunity servis hours when

Deep in the back woods, of Letcher County Kentucky a hillbilly's wife went into labor in the middle

Dear Mrs. Fenton, Over the past six months, your husband, Mr. Bill Fenton has been causing quite

Old West Phrases That Will Never Sound The Same After "Brokeback Mountain"... 1. "I'm gonna pump

Recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex: The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. This

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After

MONDAY: It's fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately.

Pretty soon, I won't be able to do anything except sit in my chair and read! I must send my thanks

"An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they

A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The

You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track. Logic is a systematic method

Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his

Slap Your Co-Worker Day is Coming!! May 22 is the official Slap Your Irritating Co-workers Holiday:

A mother and her very young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The little

Here's a prime example of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus" offered by an English professor

Ma was in the kitchen fiddlin around when she hollars out... "Pa you need to fix the outhouse!" Pa

One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on an exotic parrot. He really wanted this

According to the FBI, most modern-day bank robberies are "unsophisticated and unprofessional crimes,"

There were three little boys visiting their grandparents. The oldest came out and asked his grandpa,

Some women are gathered and the subject of conversation turns to sex and then birth control. The first

While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a U.S. Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale

Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people

I came across this exercise suggested for seniors, to build muscle strength in the arms and shoulders.

A young boy had just gotten his driver's permit and enquired of his father, if they could discuss

This guy walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a freakin' checking

While suturing a laceration on the hand of a 90-year-old man, the doctor asked his patient how he thought

Prior to her trip to Texas, Buffy (a New Yorker) confided to her co-workers she had three goals for

It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds. As he was checking a used car

The 87 year old said; "Well, I eat Italian bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll

I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the Super Wal-Mart Shopping Center and rolled down the car

A census taker in a rural area went up to a farmhouse and knocked. When a woman came to the door, he

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a good looking, older retired

A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends. Every day they would sit

Life isn't like a box of chocolates; it's more like a jar of jalapenos: you never know what's going

Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the

Take Care of the Big Rocks First A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 7-year-old hockey players aside and asked,

Q. When is a retiree's bedtime? A. Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch. Q. How many

A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a New Yorker were captured by cannibals. The chief comes to them and

Dear Dogs and Cats, The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes

Try this... On your way home from work, stop at a pharmacy and purchase a rectal thermometer made

There once was a man who owned a sausage factory, and he was showing his arrogant preppy son around

A Georgia State Trooper pulled a car over on I-95 about 2 miles south of the Georgia/South Carolina

After having been served in a Las Vegas cocktail lounge, a real southern gentleman beckoned the waitress

A woman visited a psychic of some local repute. In a dark and gloomy room, gazing at the Tarot cards

There was a German, an Italian and a Missouri Redneck on death row. The warden gave them a choice

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. He played with his toys in her bedroom while

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats

Dear Employee: As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we are forced

Twas the day after Christmas, and all through the house, Every creature was hurtin', even the mouse. The

No matter what you do or where you go, you're always going to be yourself. And Panexa knows this. Your

Subject: PRESIDENTIAL LIBRARY DESTROYED BY FLOOD ... GEORGE W. BUSH PRESIDENTIAL LIBRARY DESTROYED

My daughter called me at work to say I was to phone Ian at my bank. The operator asked me what Ian's

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be Able to get to the top of that tree," sighed

Bush and Osama decided to settle the war once and for all. They sat down and decided to settle the

Three explorers became lost in the jungle and wandered for days with no food and little water... One

10. Every Tuesday he insists it's his turn to be the siren. 9. He is starting to develop a crush

In a small Southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone

A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event, hosted by a local liberal arts college.

Shortly thereafter Jesse Jackson went to a Sears and started raising all kinds of hell in the appliance

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: 1 October 2005 RE: Christmas

An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married & settled down in their old neighborhood. To

George W. was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing

The coach had put together the perfect team for the New Orleans Saints. The only thing missing was

WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (the actual AP headline) Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego,

History began some 12,000 years ago.(Actually, it was 40,000 years ago.) Humans existed as members

There will be no Nativity Scene in Washington, DC this year ! The Supreme Court has ruled that there

A father asked his 10 year-old son if he knew about the birds and the bees. "I don't want to know!"

A young girl on a year's training course in South Africa recently received a "Dear John" letter from her

Concerned about her relationship, a woman approaches her doctor and says "Doc, I'm getting married

Ole and Sven from International Falls, Minnesota die and wake up in Hell. The devil stops in to check

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices the very handsome cab driver won't stop

As a court clerk, I am well-versed in the jury-selection process. First a computer randomly selects

Save all manner of bacon grease. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let

1. No cars up on blocks for longer than three weeks. 2. No changing your oil in the street. 3.

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead show up for the same job interview. The brunette is the first

Wife: Oh, come on. Husband: Leave me alone! Wife: It won't take long. Husband: I won't be

Pedro was trying to get into the U.S.legally through Immigration. The Officer said "Pedro, you have

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One

An elderly man goes into his doctors office for an annual physical. After a while, the doctor comes

Teaching Math in 1950: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5

There was a loser who couldn't get a date. He went to a bar and asked a guy how to get a date. The

A family is sitting around the supper table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of breasts

The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of

Customer: Hi. How much is your paint? Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things. Customer:

Two Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods. All of a sudden one of the Indians ran

Researchers released a list of foods and activities to help combat osteoporosis, the dreaded disorder

An Irishman an Englishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar in Sydney. The view was fantastic,

For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you

--Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife

The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500 man elite fighting unit called the US REDNECK

When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly

From : Managing Director To : Executive Director "Tomorrow morning there will be a total eclipse

At dawn the telephone rings. "Hello, Senor Humphrey? This is Ernesto the caretaker at your country

"Remember, never ask a geek "why"; just nod your head and back away slowly... " Dan Wineman Memory

David Letterman's Top 10 reasons why there are no black NASCAR drivers: (I bet his life will be miserable

Hillary Clinton is out jogging. she passes a young boy selling puppies. "Buy a puppy Ma'am?"

The Law of Volunteering" If you dance with a grizzly bear, you had better let him lead. "The Law

10. The monitor is up on blocks. 9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them. 8. The six front

NUDITY I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible

The Iowa Wage and Hour Department claimed a man owning a small farm was not paying proper wages to

Born 1903-Died 1942 Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car was on the way down. It was. ****************************** In

A young doctor had moved out to a small rural community to replace the retiring country doctor. The

Tired of being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decides to solve both problems

A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds, and he entered a patient's room to find

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite

1. "Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife." 2. "I've always wanted

1. "I got kicked out of Riverdance for using my arms." - Michael Flatley (lead Riverdancer) 2.

January - Took her new scarf back to the store because it was too tight. February - Couldn't work

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. As he sits, the waitress comes

This happened about a month ago just outside a little town in the bayou country of Louisiana, and

In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft;

In the year 2005, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said, "Once

From: Chief of Operations Subject: Proper Narrative Descriptions It has come to our attention from

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very, very dark, so

1. What does the average Iowa player get on his SAT's? Drool. 2. What do you get when you put 32

A man walks into a bar and sees a good-looking woman sitting on a stool. He walks up to her and says,

Fidel dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, St. Peter tells him that he is not on the list and

My other car is a bomb This vehicle makes wide right turns into buildings Allah is my co-pilot My

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. 2. One tequila, two tequila, three

A man goes into hospital for a vasectomy. When he wakes up he's surrounded by several anxious looking

I would not say that the future is necessarily less predictable than the past. I think the past was

A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The

A man in the Florida supermarket tries to buy half a head of lettuce. The very young produce assistant

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death they are close to just

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside.

How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?" Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day

Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle.

Sitting on the edge of the highway waiting to catch speeders, a state police officer saw a car driving

A man went to a psychiatrist for his phobia. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back,

People who live in glass houses should make love in the basement. Never read the fine print. There

1.) Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. 2.) If

If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise. - Unknown Some days you're the dog; some

A minister concluded that his church was getting into serious financial troubles. While checking the

A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair

Once upon a time there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter. However,

A young man, who was also an avid golfer, found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He

A day before his 15th birthday, the son of a wealthy family was asked by his father, `Well my son,

A Mexican man becomes an instant millionaire after winning the lottery. With his newfound wealth,

It was spring in the old west. The cowboys rode the still snow choked trails looking for cattle

Helpdesk: What kind of computer do you have? Female customer: A white one... -------------------------------------------------------------------- Hi,

A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded,

A young Technician and his General Manager board a train headed through the mountains on its way to

At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady truck up a conversation and

Three little boys were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to play with them. They decided

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything

There was a little guy sitting at a bar drinking a beer. A while later a huge guy walked into the bar

A groom and his newlywed wife go to the Hilton on their honeymoon. They check in at the front, and

There once was an Indian whose given name was "Onestone", so named because he had only one testicle. He

1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out. 2. Age is a very high price to pay for

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer. When

To the citizens of the United States of America: In the light of your failure to elect a competent

A new business was opening and one of the owners friends sent flowers for the occasion. but when

A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They

[The year would not be complete without the Darwin Awards - awarded every year to the persons who

Man "Haven't we met before?" Woman "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic." Man "Haven't

John and his wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full length mirror

You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were

The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as

A guy walks into a bar with his dog on a leash the barman says, "Geez that's a weird dog: he's stumpy-legged,

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for

A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused

Written by Phil Maggitti Going to War with the Army that We Want. WASHINGTON, D.C. - President

*Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal. *I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. *WANTED:

* Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot. * Learn from your parents' mistakes

I. There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa

Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip...but there were problems everywhere.

I think Santa Claus is a woman .... I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's

George W. Bush and his veep running mate, Dick Cheney were talking, when George W. said, "I hate all

"How come you're late?" asked the bartender, as the blonde waitress walked into the bar. "It was

There were two blondes who went deep into the frozen woods searching for a Christmas tree. After

A city slicker, named Tommy, was on vacation in Texas. His hosts, being very hospitable, invited him

A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist. "Come now," coaxed the doctor,

Back in the time of the Samurai there was a powerful emperor who needed a new head Samurai so he sent

A man comes up to the cashier and she notices that his fly was open. She looks at him and says, "Your

Pinocchio had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about splinters when they were having

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl. 2.

Between the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild,

"Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine." "I love cats...they taste just like chicken" "Out

"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand." Woody

In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the day. During that time we regret that you

Some people say that I'm superficial, but that's just on the surface. On one hand, I'm indecisive;

Accountant - Someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing. Auditor - Someone

Once again, The Washington Post published its yearly contest in which readers are asked to supply

A Russian and an Newfoundland wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic Gold medal. Before the

A wife arrived home from a shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed naked, with

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program. The next day, there's a

One night a blonde nun was praying in her room when God appeared before her. "My daughter, you have

I know you have an interest in poker - here's a twist. Two couples were playing cards one evening.

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always

Two guys are walking through the woods and come across this big deep hole. "Wow...that looks deep."

Johnny was working at the fish plant in Carbonear when he accidentally cut off all ten of his fingers.

It was the first day of school in Marietta, Georgia, and a new student named Suzuki, the son of a Japanese

A business man got on an elevator.when he entered,there was a blonde already inside who greeted him

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's

1. Jesse Jackson, Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called "Ministers

10 INDISPUTABLE TRUTHS BLACK PEOPLE KNOW, BUT WHITE PEOPLE WON'T ADMIT: 1. Elvis is dead. 2.

You live in Arizona when.. 1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade. 2. You

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck,

Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new

What the Job Ad says & What it means: Advancement opportunity: Sh*t job Entry level Really

Someone out there either has too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble. (wait till you see the

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the finance committee refuses to provide funds for the

A teacher asks her class, ''If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how

There was a man named George who got a new job. His fellow employees always met for a round of golf

There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby. The preacher went to the congregation and asked

A woman had 8 children, all of them boys. So, one day a magazine sent a journalist to her house for

There were two lovers, who were really into spiritualism and reincarnation. They vowed that if either

How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened when she brings it. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Why

A man decides to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the

The story behind the letter below is that there is this nutball in Newport, Rhode Island named Scott

Picture yourself near a stream. Birds are softly chirping in the crisp, cool, mountain air.

A woman was on the witness stand, accused of poisoning her husband. "After you put poison in the

Harold was an old man. He was sick and in the hospital. There was one young nurse that just drove him

Here's why . According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were kids in the 40's,

After his death, Osama bin Laden went to heaven. There he was greeted by George Washington, who

Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border. The Italian Customs Officer stops them

It's the only type of cooking a "real" man will do. When a man volunteers to do the 'BBQ' the following

Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out.... "Pa, You need to go out and fix the

CHILD : Dad, where did I come from? DAD : Okay, we had to have this conversation some day!......

A biker stopped by the local Harley Shop to have his bike repaired. They couldn't do the work while

There are a lot of folks who can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in America. Well,

You may not know that many nonliving things have a gender. For example... 1) Ziploc Bags- They

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of

Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad. Canadians: Are rather indignant about

A young banker decided to get his first tailor-made suit. So he went to the finest tailor in town

After three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning her husband about his lurid past. "C'mon,

Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "I'd like

On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things

There were three boys all in third grade: an Asian boy, a Spanish boy and a redneck. They were trying

Rhonda went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the

Two 90 yr. old men decided to go to there local whore house one more time before it was to late. They

A man went to the beach to work on his tan. In his hotel room that night, he noticed that he had a

A man enters his favorite ritzy restaurant and while sitting at his regular table, he notices a gorgeous

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington recently was faced with a unique

1. Good: Your wife is pregnant. Bad: It's triplets. Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago. 2.

A white-haired old man walked into a jewelry store on a Friday, with a beautiful young lady at his

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender hands him the beer and says,

Essential NEW WORDS FOR 2004 editions for the work-place vocabulary: BLAMESTORMING Sitting around

1 . Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants. 2. Marriage changes

There was a midget down in Texas whose testicles hurt and ached almost all the time. The midget went

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious

He, who laughs last, thinks slowest. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film. A

There were two brothers. One was very good and tried always to live right and be helpful. His brother

An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other. When they had

A mother enters her daughter's bedroom and sees a letter over the bed. With the worst premonition,

A science teacher asked her students "Children, if you could own one mineral what would it be? one

It's time once again to consider the candidates for the annual Stella Awards. The Stella's are named

The day finally arrived; Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St.

There were two old geezers living in the backwoods of the Ozarks...Rufus and Clarence. They lived

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. Gardening

The bartender was washing his glasses, when an elderly Irishman came in. With great difficulty, the

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of Church services when she was startled

A friend just got back from a holiday ski trip to Utah with the kind of story that warms the cockles

A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff,

Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant. "Sid," asked Al, "Are there any Jews in China?"

One day an Irishman, who has been stranded on a desert island for over ten long years, sees an unusual

I promise you cannot read these and not laugh out loud! These are real notes written from parents

Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday and I wasn't feeling too good that morning. I went to breakfast

A nun, really needing to go to the bathroom, walked into a neighborhood pub. The place was hopping

Last year I replaced several windows in my house and they were the expensive double-pane energy

A Russian and an American wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic Gold Medal. Before the final

Cinderella is now 95 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits

Clem pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Jed where he'd first had sex. "It

Here are some conversations that actually happened between help desk people and their customers. Customer:

I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your bed rock. I can't find my puppy, can you

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how

Despite how you may have personally felt about the issue, there was a good logical reason for removing

The local vicar is having a bath, and he's a little bored, so he decides to, 'pleasure' himself. He's

There's an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery.

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against wall. The owner asks the

A Hunter walking through the jungle found a huge dead dinosaur with a pigmy standing beside it. Amazed,

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful (and intelligent) pet dachshund

A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play.

An office manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through

A man walked into a bar near Lexington, KY and ordered a beer just as former President Clinton appeared

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the Archangel

An eighteen-year-old Italian girl tells her mom that she has missed her period for two months. Very

The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven. He's met by the reception committee, and after a whirlwind

The teacher noticed that Johnny had been daydreaming for a long time. She decided to get his attention. "Johnny,"

An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She's chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when

A man returning home a day early from a business trip got into a taxi at the airport. It was after

A young woman asks her mother, "Mom, how many kind of penises are there?" The mother, surprised,

A guy walks into a bar. He sits down at the end of the bar, next to another guy, who was the only

Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a physical, only to find out that she's pregnant. She is furious...

A man worked in a post office. His job was to process all mail that had illegible addresses. One

Sherry lost her husband almost four years ago and still hasn't gotten out of her mourning stage. Her

If you recall the old Hollywood Squares show, this will bring a tear to your eyes. They are worth

1. When you get pulled over, say "What's wrong, ossifer, there's no blood in my alcohol?" 2. When

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take

A Cajun named Thibideaux went to his doctor to determine the source of his malady. The doctor, After

Description Missus manifests as a female humanoid providing cooking/cleaning features, and a sitting-room/TV

Two men were digging a ditch on a very hot day. One said to the other, "Why are we down in this hole

There was an old man, a boy, and a donkey. They were going to town and it was decided that the boy

A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's final exam. He said there would

This is a test for men only and all "real men" will answer "C" to all of these questions. However,

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not live forever, because

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter,

Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an

A blonde heard that milk baths make you beautiful so she left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons

1. "I can't find it." MEANS: It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I am completely clueless.

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door.

HER DIARY Saturday night I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to

Proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night the drunk led the way

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. 2. If

A man was traveling north to Alberta. He needed to use the bathroom and so at a rest stop he goes into

After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, an old hillbilly decided it was time

1. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards,

These, are real answers given by children. Q: Name the four seasons. A: Salt, pepper, mustard and

A southern farmer got in his pickup and drove several miles to a neighboring farm and knocked on the

A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior

This is a compilation of actual Church Bulletins and Service bloopers... Our next song is "Angels

Two elderly residents, one male and one female, were sitting alone in the lobby of their nursing home

A little old couple walked slowly into a McDonalds one cold winter evening. They looked out of place

The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his

ABBOT: Ultimate Super Duper Computer Store. Can I help you? COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up

You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop, and you see

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back and

After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for a younger woman. The house was in his name

There was this Asian lady married to an English gentleman and they lived in London. The poor lady

blonde guy and a brunette girl were happily married and about to have a baby. One day, the wife started

A wife arrived home from a shopping trip and was shocked to find her husband in bed with a lovely

There was a farmer who grew watermelons. He was doing pretty well, but he was disturbed by some local

While riding one day, a cowboy met an Indian riding along with a dog and a sheep and he began a conversation.

Police arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22-year-old white male, resident of Dacula, GA, in a pumpkin patch

DRESS CODE It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you

A woman desperately looking for work went into a factory. The personnel manager looked over her resume

A lawyer died and arrived at the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter asked him, "What have you done to merit

Hubby - You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why? Wife - When there is a problem,

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of

Suddenly there was a mad uncontrolable burst of laughter and the team captain asked John if that was

Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed

Mama and Papa bear were splitting up, and baby bear had to decide who he was going to live with.

These questions about Canada were posted on an international tourism website and obviously the answers

Bob dies and goes to the pearly gates where he waits in line. As he draws closer he sees there are

A fifteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began to scream, "Where did you get

Your coworker has 8 body piercing and none are visible. You make over $300,000 and still can't

CLASSIC VERSION: The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house

A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband. Now he had been slipping in and

At one point during a game, the coach said to one of his young players, "Do you understand what cooperation

Clem pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Jed where he'd first had sex. "It was

I took some friends out to dinner last week, and I noticed a spoon in the shirt pocket of our waiter

Dear Diary: Day 1 Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When

25. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye. 24. Her Teeth Was Stained, But

Today is my daughters 18th birthday......I'm so glad that this I my last....damn child support payment.

An old man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetie for Valentine's Day. As they had not been

"Managing senior programmers is like herding cats." - -Dave Platt "Do not meddle in the affairs

1. It's an incentive to show up. 2. It reduces stress. 3. It leads to more honest communications. 4.