thing

An old woman dying in her old mans hand. Old man begs doctor for some help and says: -Please help,

- How do you define optimism? - A banker who irons five shirts on a Sunday. - What is the diffrence

Original List aged 20: 1. Handsome 2. Charming 3. Financially successful 4. A caring listener 5.

A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write

Enough with the Poking, Lets Just Have Sex He pokes her, she pokes him, they poke each other back

Last year, my friend upgraded his GirlFriend 3.1 to GirlFriendPlus1.0 (marketing name: Fiancee1.0). Recently

Bill Gates was going down the road in a car when a cop pulls him over. He says, "Officer, I assure you

One day Bill Gates finally dies and goes to Heaven. Upon reaching the pearly white gates, he sees Saint

A computer science student is studying under a tree and another pulls up on a flashy new bike. The first

A woman goes to the doctor's office and says to him. "Doctor, I've got a strange problem I need your

This guy and this girl have been married for about 25 years and there sex just wasent happening anymore.

In a west Texas town, employees in a medium-sized warehouse noticed the smell of gas. Sensibly, management

The cowboy walks into a hotel. The bellboy asks him"How many sheets do you want on your bed?"The cowboy

There was a huge nut tree by the cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and

In a company there's this tai-chi king. His tai-chi has reached the level where even the boss could do

A man was ordered by his doctor to lose 75 lbs. due to very serious health risks. As he wondered how

One night, a husband and wife were having a conversation during dinner:WOMAN: What would you do if I

A father, passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything

This story occurred on Melbourne radio. One of the stations has a competition where they ring someone

A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender "Gimme a triple!"So the bartender pours him up a triple

One day, a girl walked up to her mother and looked at her mother's hair and sadly said: "Why is some

A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away.She protested, "But we don't

"How'd you do it?" the doctor asked as he was setting farmer Joe Brown's broken leg."Well Doc," said

A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage

This one is long but well worth reading!In case your frustration level rises today, this is for everyone

You may not be able to party after marriage if your wife is like this one.............:)Newlyweds This

You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his

A man with a 20-inch penis went to his doctor to complain that he was unable to get any women to have

A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!"I grabbed my stuff,

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see

A man decided to buy a new telescope for his rifle. He goes to a rifle shop, and asks the clerk to show

There was girl who was a prostitute, but her grandmother didn't know about her occupation.One day, the

One day, a young cowboy and a cowgirl decided to get married. He was a man of the world and she was an

A little girl accidentally walks in on her father while he's getting dressed. She points to his dick

A couple who had 2 kids decided that whenever they wanted sex, they would use code words so the children

A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things to be self-sufficient

A wife arrived home from a shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed naked, with a

Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new home. It's fun to cook for Tim. Today I made an angel

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats

A guy walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, "Listen, I have three girls coming over tonight.

Four friends reunited at a party after 30 years. After a few laughs and drinks, one of them had to go

A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him. As he sits down, the bartender comes over and

A man is out in the Chinese wilderness and he's hopelessly lost. It's been nearly three weeks since he's

A woman could never get her husband to do anything around the house. He would come home from work, sit

A judge was interviewing a women regarding her pending divorce and asked, "What are the grounds for your

A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out the camel suddenly

St. Peter is leafing through the Big Book to see if the guy is worthy of entering. After several minutes,

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall.A young man walked up to the bench and sat down. He had

A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady forty miles per hour. The wife is behind the

AUDI:Another Ugly Deutsche InventionBMW:Bought My WifeBrings Me WomenBrings More Women butBroke My WalletCHEVROLET:Can

It was the first day of school and a new student, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth

An 80-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results. The doctor says,

Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went to breakfast

The other day, my friends and I went to a "Ladies Night Club."One of the girls wanted to impress the

First-year students at a Medical School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human

An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While China, he is very sexually promiscuous and does not

A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoys sex more. The man

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party.She got a terrible headache and told her husband

A guy met a girl at a nightclub, and she invited him back to her place for the night.When they arrived

How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.The most effective

There was this guy sunbathing in the nude at the beach. Well, this little girl comes up to him, so he

An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.The

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the

A man with a bad stomach complaint goes to his local doctor and asks him what he can do. The doctor replies

A boy and a girl in a PAP Kindergarden.The teacher gave the children some homework to do at home, and

A lady approaches her priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots,

A little girl was asked what she wanted most for her birthday and she declared: "A baby brother.""Daddy

Three men stand before St. Peter awaiting admission into Heaven. However, St. Peter has been informed

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, then catch them

A king travels through the desert, when he suddenly discovers a man captured under a big rock, he throws

A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He has two large bags over his shoulders. The guard

Little Johnny was a young boy, just potty trained. When he went to the bathroom though, he hit everything

A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous & sexy young

TEACHER: Why are you late?WEBSTER: Because of the sign.TEACHER: What sign?WEBSTER: The one that says,

At a seminar called "Stress and Disease" by Dr. Nickolas Hall, an expert in psychobiology, gave an example

In Scotland, the most important time for a young lad is when he "comes of age" and is allowed to purchase

Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"Caller: "The cup holder

Trying to make up for bad behavior, Bill Clinton went to the shopping mall to buy Hillary a gift. "I'd

A sixteen year old girl went to a priest for confession."Father, I called a guy son of a bitch yesterday.""Why

Sometime after Sidney died, his widow, Tillie, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and

A guy was talking with his friend in a bar and told him, "My sex life sucks, just when things start to

John had just won first prize at a cat show and had received a 10-day cruise to the Puerto Rico. The

Ali married Aminah. Ali was so innocent that he did not know how to consummate the marriage (actually

Baby Ryan was a nearly Two Year old Boy. He has been to train to inform his mom whenever he want to pee.So

After gaining a small family inheritance, a redneck family was visiting a mall. The father and son were

A husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. Their passion is heating up. Then the wife stops and

A guy was setting up like a bank account or something like that, and he was being taken care of by a

There's this guy who's in the market for a used motorcycle. Always wanted a nice big hog. So he's shopping

RelationshipsWhen a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? Well, I hope you remember my story when they

A Brunette, a Redhead and a Blonde escape a burning building by climbing tothe roof. Firemen are on

A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a bottle laying in the street. Suddenly out

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't

What did the buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?Make

An elderly couple walk into a fast food restaurant.

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari

Harry, Bill and Steve are sitting at the corner

Mark your calendar with the multitude of holidays

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.

Q: What's the hardest thing about rollerblading?A:

A Florida couple, both well into their 80s, go

One night, George W. Bush is tossing restlessly

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night

There was this case in the hospital's Intensive

Q. What's the definition of a Yankee? A. Same

A Doctor was addressing a large audience: "The

Why donââ,¬â"¢t sock puppets ever get anything

What do you get when you cross a blue whale and

A rather attractive woman goes up to the register

A big-city California lawyer went duck hunting

Worldââ,¬â"¢s thinnest books 20. BEAUTY

A gentleman on a flight to Atlanta had a serious

A very flat-chested woman finally decided she needed

Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed.

Here are the top nine comments made by sports commentators

One night, George W. Bush is tossing restlessly

Here's a dilemma for you... With all your honor

Three Texas plastic surgeons were playing golf

Saddam Hussein and President George W. Bush meet

Three Texas plastic surgeons were playing golf

The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to

A guy goes to his doctor because heââ,¬â"¢s

A tourist is picked up by a cabbie in New York

Nervous Taxi Driver A passenger in a taxi leaned

A taxi pulls up to a church and picks up a nun.

A man was walking through the forest, when he suddenly

This guy breaks into a house, and starts stealin

It was a dark, foggy night. A man was wandering

Q: What did the prositutes knee say to the other? A:

A boy and his mom were walking in the mall and

A blonde women is sitting in her garage, alone,

Three men, an American, an Arab, and a Chinese

Little Mary always fell asleep at Sunday school

A blond was taking a shower when the doorbell rang.

There were three men on death row, a Brit, an American,

James Bond walks intoa bar and takes a seat next

There were three astronauts an American, a Russian,

A manager walks into his office and sees a blonde

Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving

On Irish radio there is a guy called Larry Gogan

Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front

RANDOM AND CHEAP MARTHA STEWART JOKES What is

Dear Abby: My husband is a liar and a cheat. He

A young man goes out and buys the best car on the

One day, a policeman walked by and saw a drunk

A jock and a geek applying for the same job. The

A blonde was out on a date. Her date said you

A blonde goes to an office party and wins a thermos. The

A man is lying in bed in a hospital with an oxygen

A British doctor, a German doctor and an American

A trucker picks up a hitchhiker who climbs up in

A man went on vacation to Texas. He went into a

An Amish woman and her son are walking through

There was a man who loved baked beans, but they

A seismologist, a meteorologist, and a fireman

A Scotsman is on holiday in New York City. It's

One day, a blonde left work early to go home and

A blonde decides she wants to go ice fishing. So

A beautiful woman loved to garden, but couldn't

Two rednecks, Bubba and Cooter, decided that they

Have you heard about the man who did it with a

Yo mama's so ugly, the last time I saw something

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus

George Bush, Saddam Hussein and General Cosgrove

Once there was a man who was peacefully driving

There was this redneck that walked into a bar and

A man is opening a restaurant and he asks one of

What did Ike say to Tina when she came in late

Angelina Jolie: I am so in love with my brother

1. If being chased through town, you can usually

Ignoring the fact that George Bush declined Saddam

A secretary for a foreign embassy was entertaining

Adam was talking to his friend at the bar, and

James was on the beach, and could not understand

A 70-year-old man went to the doctor's for a physical.

An old farmer went to town to see a movie. The

A man hated his wife's cat and he decided to get

What did the Atlantic Ocean say to the Pacific

Bush and Osama decided to settle the war once and

A drunk leprechaun was staggering home with a pint

A Drunken Night A guy wakes up in a drunken stupor,

One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and

A truck driver had a 2 day lay-over during the

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1.

The American Dairy Association was so successful

What a woman says, what she really means... I

I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary

Men are like fine wine: They all start out as grapes,

The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI,

An engineer died and ended up in Hell. He was not

There was a 40 year old man called Ian, and he

Whats the best thing about dating homeless girls? You

What do you call a dog wearing ear muffs? Anything

A young punk gets on a bus and sits down in directly

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her

One day a lawyer was riding in his limousine when

A farmer just got married and was going home on

A gynecologist tired of his profession, and wanting

Gwen met Randy at a nightclub. They hit it off,

A few days before his proctological exam, a one

A man goes to the doctor and gets a check up. The

Valentines Day is here again, and with it the perfect

1. Britney Spears & Eminem Who, combined, have

A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy

A kid came home from school and asked his dad,

A man went to a cafe and ordered some soup. Half

There was a blonde, a brunette, and a red head.

Dear Mr. Blix, Welcome to Iraq! It is so good

Knock, knock Whoââ,¬â"¢s there? Sorry,

Not to cuss. Not to cohabitate. Not to use that

Dick Cheney walks into the Oval Office and sees

A waiter asks a man, ââ,¬Å"May I take your

Season's Beatings There's gotta be a better way

I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I

SICKNESS AND RELATED LEAVE: We will no longer

One day, an old lady went to the store to get some

A manager at a General Store is teaching a young,

There was this woman see, and she takes a lover

But everybody looks funny naked! You woke me

One night a man decides to visit his local bar.

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He

"Ahhh! It's Yoda's little friend you seek!" "Nerrrm.

A young mother was having a consultation with a

An old farmer went to town to see a movie. The

"There are only two reasons to sit in the back

Three Americans were up against a very large Russian

If you love something, set it free. If it comes

According to a news report, a certain private school

What do you give a blonde who has everything? Penicillin.

Little David comes home from first grade and tells

Questions and answers selected from tests in Springdale,

A man was nervously pacing around the waiting room

Men can't pack a bag. Men wouldn't be caught dead

I hate aspects of this time of year. Not for its

1. My fellow Americans, I have taken much into

Why are there no female astronauts on the moon?

Little Johnny was in class and the teacher announced

Three guys: a Canadian, Osama bin Laden, and Uncle

George W. Bush and Osama bin Laden are having a

What do farts and Enrique Iglesias have in common? a.

Fifty Ways To Annoy Osama bin Laden If You're Invited

I think Santa Claus is a woman... I hate to be

MONDAY 8:00 - "Husseinfeld" 8:30 - "Mad About Everything" 9:00

What is the sharpest thing in the world? A Fart.

If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company,

1) Pretend to be one of the Bush family. Doesn't

"Oh my god! A brunette walked into a doctor's office

What do you get when you cross Mariah Carey and

Question - What is the difference between a liberal

How many men does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Q. How do you annoy your girlfriend during sex? A.

1. Hijack wheelchairs and speed around the hallways.

A GOOD ONE... enjoy. There was this case in the

This lady is on an airplane and is seated next

A retired US Marine was looking for a new job.

What's grosser than gross? Two vampires fighting

* Silicon-enhanced chests and lips reveal that

Here's what the heck they mean in the Lone Star

The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions,

A young man was walking through a supermarket to

Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look

Tony Blair Interviewed by Peter Jennings Peter

"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired." "The

One day Adam and Eve notice God standing before

Britney Spears had just bought her new car and

"It was too bad I wasn't a second baseman; then

In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller,

All quotes 100% authentic, and courtesey of George

10) My fellow Americans, I have been lying to you

Are you harboring a fugitive- Hu Yu Hai Ding See

A man was having an affair with a married woman.

NASA sends a space shuttle up with two pigs and

An Alabama man turned 18 and went to a local house

ART FART= it's such a beauty you want to immortalize

I. Know that although the cat has the advantage

An English guy was very ill and his son went to

Tiger Woods was traveling through rural Kentucky

Q. Why did Pepsi hire Britney Spears to do their

John Rocker was on a NY subway and many people

In this world God made Eve first and one day he

Dear U.S. Citizens, I have the distinguished honor

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." ...George

While suturing a laceration on the hand of a 90-year-old

A Japanese man was boasting about how his country

Why doesn't George W. Bush eat parrots? A little

One day two kids were wandering around near a stream.

1. Your salary is less than your tuition. 2. Your

Original List (age 22): 1. Handsome 2. Charming 3.

1) The bandage was wound around the wound. 2) The

A reporter remarked to George W. Bush: "It must

A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get

Three old men were talking about how much their

A man walked into the office of the eminent psychiatrist

A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and

1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless

Don't Say This to Your New Girlfriend's Parents... 1.

Advantages 1. It can get really weird 2. Someone

1. With a little effort, you could pull the bags

Two junior co-eds went to the movies one night.

This guy was having a problem with mice in his

Fail a class? Drop one too many? Don't worry about

Last semester I took macroeconomics and didn't

A woman goes to a psychiatrist and says, ''Doctor,

Two fraternity brothers decide to go sailing one

"Husseinfeld" "Mad About Everything" "U.S. Military

A woman went to her priest with a problem. "Father,

1. Drive through the drive-thru in reverse and

And the Lord spoke to Noah: ''In six months I'm

A mother goes to visit her daughter. She walks

One day Kermit the Frog was looking sad. Fozzie

I'M GLAD I'M A MAN I'm glad I'm a man, you better

11) I'm spiking the punch at the reception. That'll

A man walked into an ice cream shop... Man: I'd

A 13 year-old old paperboy knocks on the door of

These are excuse notes from parents (with their

10) You married your cousin's brother's wife 9)

Bill and Ned walk into a fast food joint one afternoon

A railroad worker was cuting the grass away from

A man walks into a bar and orders three beers.

Two twin brother, virgin midgets decide to get

Bob just moved from New York City to Alabama. He

Q: Why can you never trust a woman? A: How can

Q: Will I be reincarnated? A: Not unless there

On a beautiful deserted island in the middle of

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the

Taoism: Shit happens. Buddhism: If shit happens,

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby

AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18) You have an inventive

The was a man who had four kids, all gorgeous,

Why do brunettes know so many blonde jokes? Gives

1) The president is not in his/her office at this

Late one Friday in Dublin, a policeman spotted

Jack and Betty are celebrating their 50th wedding

Once upon a workday dreary, my stomach grumbled

Two weeks ago was my forty-fifth birthday, and

Before you leave your house... 1. Put on a little

There was an old man named Bozo, and all he had

A man had a habit of buying things immediately

Boris Yeltsin, Bill Clinton, and Bill Gates were

Knock, knock! Who's there? George Washington! George

''My God! What happened to you?'' the bartender

Why do women always fart only when they go to the

1) Stand on top of the high board and say you won't

A girl was going on her first date and her grandmother

A programmer was crossing a road one day when a

All good Southerners already know these, but in

There was a man who owned a giant gorilla and he'd

Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked

A bunch of guys are sitting at the local bar. They

A man moved into a new apartment, and he decided

Once upon a time, there was a king who thought

A man was unemployed and bored, so he decided to

Q. What is the square root of sixty-nine? A.

Two guys are sitting next to each other on an airplane. "The

Three Americans were up against a very large Russian

"My uncle ran for Senate last year." "Really?

A virgin boy turns 18, and asks his dad for money

There was this Indian who just came back from a

A man is sitting at a bar one night, wearing a

* Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people

A wealthy business man and his wife are looking

At the scene of a terrible road accident, a guy

One day, a farmer walked into a bar and asked the

While he was rooting around in the basement, a

An Insult: I'm trying to see things from your

There once was a little kid named Billy who loved

1) Large, loft-style apartments in New York City

God created earth, and it was good. Then God created

Boy: Will you punish me for something i didn't

An elderly woman comes home and finds her daughter

1. The Female always makes THE RULES. 2. THE

Q: Why did the gynecologist go to the eye doctor?

An elderly couple decided to celebrate their 50th

Q: What did the blonde's left leg say to the right

Three girls named Samantha, Janet and Rebecca were

This letter was started by a woman, like yourself,

One morning, seventy-five year old Marvin is

Brittany was on her deathbed, with her husband

A brunette was jumping along railroad tracks, saying,

A man is away on business, at a convention for

This guy goes to the doctors office and tells the

The other day I saw a ''Honk if you love Jesus''

Jane was sitting in anatomy class on day when her

Howard had felt guilty all day long. No matter

There was a nintey-year-old lady who was still

Three nuns decided to quit so they went to the

These three men were stranded on an island: a Nefoundlander,

One day, a man went into the doctor because he

One day, a farmer decides to buy a new rooster

A man comes home from work and finds his wife screwing

THINGY (thing-ee) n. For a female: Any part under

There were three NASCAR fans on their way to a

A young boy caught sight of his mother changing

Three couples went to a resturant. The women wanted

There was this guy that went to the doctor to get

Bob was joining the army and they were handing

Two robbers are talking in their shared jail cell:

Insider's Guide to the Male Vocabulary ''Haven't

You know you're ghetto if you use the same grease

A man walks into a bar with an alligator on a

Q: My fiancee still has feelings for his old girlfriends.

This guy buys a new motorcycle. The salesperson

A man was walking down the street and on the

There was a man named Joe playing baseball on his

What is the worst thing about sex with a blonde

There was blonde who wanted to go on a diet. She

There was a Irishman, Mexican, and a blond guy,

Never say anything about a man until you have walked

Why do blondes wear their hair up? To catch

As usual, things were not going well at the United

Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested

A construction worker on the third floor of a building

There was a woman who wanted to repaint her house,

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by

A man on a plane asked the stewardess if he could

It was Christmas Eve, and a lady hadn't had sex

A woman goes to the local butcher to buy some meat

There was a guy driving down the road when he ran

Q: What's the difference between a blonde's brain

An elephant was walking through the jungle one

10. Nobody cares if you act stupid. 9. You can

What are the two things a cat is good for?

There was an older man who'd married a younger

A couple were driving to a church to get married.

1. People who point at their wrist while asking

If you love something, set it free. If it comes

In a recent issue of Meat & Poultry magazine, editors

From: General Manager To: Departmental

There were three nuns talking and one nun said,

Johnny was playing outside when he really had to

During WWII a fighter pilot was shot down over

A redneck felt sick and decided to go to the doctor.

A young boy comes down to breakfast one morning.

One day, a man was golfing when he hit his ball

12. In the Star Wars universe, weapons are rarely,

How To Shower Like A Woman... * Take off clothing

There are three whores sitting in a bar. The

A guy burned both of his ears... so they were asking

What's the smartest thing that ever came out of

A woman walks into a saloon and stands on a chair.

One day a man took his wife to the doctor and says,

A guy just died and he's at the pearly gates,

Mrs. Andrews named her cat Love because it was

There was an old lady and her dog who lived on

An old farmer decided it was time to get a new

A little boy came home from school one day and

If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

What is the last thing to go through a bug's mind

Once there was a blonde who really needed some

A man walks into a bar next to an extremely hot

It's the first day of kindergarten, and the teacher

A married couple was on holiday in Pakistan. They

A travelling salesman's car breaks down in the

There was an old man named Bill, and one of the

A man and his wife were sitting in church, the

A woman walks into a bar and orders a drink. A

"Dad," asked son, "What's that shriveled up old

Why don't you slip into something comfortable…like

A man is looking in the classified ads for a job.

A man was in a bad accident and was injured. But

Three rednecks are talking about how stupid their

Two doctors are in the hallway complaining about

A man walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a

What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing --

Mary can't stand Sunday school, but her brother

A couple has been married for 50 years. One day

I'd like to see things from your perspective, but

There was a guy that was stranded on an island.

Why is the N.I.H. (National Institute of Health)

A man was driving along a dusty road, when he ran

A man and his wife were invited to a swanky masked

A guy who was in the Air Force had just spent a

The priest and the rabbi were on a plane flying

Back in the days of cowboys and Indians, toilet

Three drifters are roaming the countryside for

The ringmaster of a traveling circus was looking

Once there were two twins, Joe and John. Joe was

A farm boy who had just finished his schooling

The Alaska Department of Fish and Game recently

There was this guy who always went out drinking

One day, a farmer was tending to his livestock

A customer in a restuarant orders a bowl of soup.

A newspaper reporter went to interview an old man

A man went to England on a trip and met a woman

There was a husband and a wife. The husband was

Her version: Oh did I mention or did I not? Well

A young man goes home from a war to see his mother

There was an old woman on a plane, sitting next

One evening, a man was at home watching TV and

What is the best thing about getting head from

One day in the city a bus driver was making his

An old man went to the social security office to

A man loses his hat, so he goes to church to steal

Two college students are in Ireland for a vacation

The LAPD, the FBI, & the CIA are all trying to

A drunken man staggered into a Catholic church,

If you throw a party, the worst thing you can do

How many perverts does it take to put in a light

A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver

You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay

A guy goes golfing with his girlfriend. As he tees

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St. Peter and God talking. God says, "St. Peter,

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An old man is sitting on a park bench crying his

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If a man says something in the woods and no woman

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Q: What does a redneck say to his friend after

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Why did God invent a man first? She wanted

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Three men all die on Christmas Day, and arrive

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Bill Clinton and the Pope die on the same day,

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A woman visits her physician. After waiting for

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A priest wanted to convince a prostitute to turn

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Bob walks into a public bathroom and notices a

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Three hang-glider pilots, one Irish, one Australian,

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King Arthur was about to embark on a long crusade.

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Saturday 1:00 A.M. Alarm clock rings. 2:00

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These individual quotes were reportedly taken from

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As he is quietly watching television at home, a

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Two guys get busted for smoking dope, so they have

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One day God came to Adam and said, ''I've got some

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In a trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes through

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A policeman directing traffic at a busy city intersection

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Two couples were playing cards.  John accidentally

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A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock

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Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle.

An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her

As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I can get

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One day a group of eminent scientists got together

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These two guys meet after not having seen each

Some pretty 'useful' phrases you, too, can use

Upon dying, Bill Gates went to purgatory. St. Peter

Doris and Fred had started their retirement years

A woman going through the change of life went to

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An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates.

An 83-year old woman decided that she'd seen and

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Due to widespread panic about the Y2K bug, Internet

Tiger Woods     A couple were on

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Joe was moderately successful in his career, but

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A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest

It seems there was two brothers by the same name

During a busy pre-Christmas day at Sydney airport,

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"I'm going fishing." Really means... "I'm going

One fine day, Jim and Bob are out golfing. Jim

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A women desperately looking for work goes into

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Ethel is a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and

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In the human body, which organ is in charge? All

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Four surgeons were sitting around discussing

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Santa was very cross. It was Christmas Eve and

A guy walks in to a bar with his pet monkey. He

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About ten recruits are making their first parachute

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Once upon a time, there was a little old man who

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A secretary for a foreign embassy was entertaining

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Let's watch Lifetime! Sex is overrated. I don't

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A newlywed couple just moved into their new house.

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In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining

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A lawyer lies dying, his partner of 40 years by

Ru Paul, Bill Gates, and Roger Ebert are all struck

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Two priests were going to Hawaii on vacation and

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Those who have it would be devastated if it

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"Men are like fine wine.  They all start

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Listen my children, and you shall hear Of

A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the

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"Yes" = No "No" = Yes "Maybe"

On the day of the Royal Wedding, Sofia was getting

An FM station has a competition where they ring

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A woman went to her priest with a problem. "Father,

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Saddam Hussein and George W. Bush meet up in Baghdad

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Jack tells his doctor how he can no longer sustain

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Introductory Chemistry at Duke has been taught

During WW II an American soldier had been on the

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Our Rights: The following was written by State

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A married couple was in a terrible accident where

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A young punk gets on the cross-town bus. He's got

Dear __________________________,    

Crazy Mike the Biker walks into a pharmacy and

A newlywed couple on their honeymoon gets to the

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch,

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend,

A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job

    Dear Son,    

When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard.

Monica's Diary Entry 1 Dear Diary, I'm so excited!

One day, Jeffrey complained to his friend, "My

A strong young man at a construction site was bragging that he could out do anyone in a feat of strength.

One day a teacher had a taste test with her students. She picked a little boy to do the first test.

Charlie's wife, Lucy, had been after him for several weeks to paint the seat on their commode. Finally,

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend. When I was 16 I got a girlfriend,

Dress Code: 1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary. 2) If we see

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver

Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she

Also known as 'women's intuition,' this sixth sense thing is no myth. Women seem to know what's going

1. Men are NOT mind readers. 2. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put

I've noticed the strangest thing about men who hang out in bars a lot. It seems they have only

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me,

A brash young man strolls into a bar and takes a seat next to a stunningly attractive woman. He gives

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique

In California Unleaded gas went to $4.00 a gallon last Thursday. Sister Mary Ann, who worked for

Next time you have a bad day at work...think of this guy: Rob is a commercial saturation diver for

Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually, she slept throught the class.

"Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit." "It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch." "He

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "What human body part increases to ten

1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out. 2. Age is a very high price to pay for

A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, "You have been a good cat all

The George W Bush Presidential Lie-berry is now in the planning stages. You'll want to be the first

I was working in a scrap yard in Southern England during summer vacation at an engineering university.

Bill meets Doug shopping at the mall and sees he has a small gift wrapped box. "It's my wife's

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself ~~'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.' --

With apologies to Jeff Foxworthy, US troops in Afghanistan prove they've retained their sense

1. Teaching Math In 1950s A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production

Joan, who was a rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on

Two bees met in a field. One said to the other, "How are things going?" "Really bad," said the second

Little Johnny grew up in the city, and went to visit his Uncle Joe on the farm. For the first few

An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop. "Ma'am,

This week we celebrate a special birthday. Monica Lewinsky turned 31. Can you believe it? It seems

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator? The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator,

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Wairarapa. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell

An exhausted looking blonde dragged himself in to the doctor's office. "Doctor, there are dogs

Never buy a 'new' brand of beer because 'it was on sale.' If we're in the backyard and the TV in

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6 year old.

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough

A husband and wife were sitting around one day drinking a bottle of wine. The husband turns to his

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned

In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest

That's a bit expensive just for a dare isn't it? I saw a dress just like that one in Woolworths

The old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up from the couch then starts putting on his coat. His

The owner of a drugstore walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall with an odd look on

In a tiny village on the Irish coast lived an old lady, a virgin and very proud of it. Sensing that

A terrific explosion occurs in a gunpowder factory, and once all the mess has been cleared up, and

A man walks into the dentist's office and after the dentist examines him, the dentist says, "That

One of the best marksmen in the FBI was passing through a small town. Everywhere he saw evidences

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied. On

A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems

A nun was in a hurry on her way to her job at the local Catholic Charity Hospital when her car suddenly

A redneck farmer from back in the hills walked twelve miles, one way, to the general store. "Heya,

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS Smart man + smart woman = romance Smart man + dumb woman = affair Dumb

George Bush meets with the Queen of England. He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient

At a recent convention of biological scientists, one researcher remarked to another, "Did you know

A young woman was having a physical examination and was embarrassed because of a weight problem. As

a.. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity. b.. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian

A new manager spends a week at his new office with the manager he is replacing. On the last day

"I'M GOING FISHING" Means: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the

A plane was taking off from Kennedy. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain

A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened Then

One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates,

Two couples were playing poker one evening. Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When

1. They start paying everyone in sea shells. 2. The Dairy Queen on the corner is threatening a hostile

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new

A highway patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and

A retired corporate executive, now a widower, decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean

Four college friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to go up to Dallas

A man and his wife were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, agreed

A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500. They did their

A young boy goes to the zoo with his father. As they are passing the elephant exhibit the youngster

Customer: Hi. How much is your paint? Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things. Customer:

I believe in having sex on the first date. At my age, there may not be a second date. Senior Campbell's

A young man from the city went to visit his farmer uncle. For the first few days, the uncle showed

An angel suddenly appears at a faculty meeting and tells the dean of the college that, in return for

A lady is throwing a party for her granddaughter, and had gone all out..... a caterer, band, and a

The ambitious coach of a girls track team gives the squad steroids. The teams performance soars. They

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." Winston Churchill "A modest

A young Southern boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 of the way through the semester, he has foolishly

A mother and her young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The son turned

A hillbilly was making his first visit to a hospital where his teenage son was about to have an operation. Watching

1. What are you thinking about? 2. Do you love me? 3. Do I look fat in this? 4. Do you think

Dress Code: 1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary. 2) If we see

Woman's Quote of the Day: "Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our

A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO It is also the most

Bad Metaphors from Stupid Student Essays (actually these are mostly similes, see Literary Terms) Her

The following is an exchange of correspondence between a customer and the Irish Railway Company: Larnrod

1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't. 2..

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, "Esther,

Me: Hello. AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T. Me: Is this AT&T? AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T. Me: This is

other day my neighbour, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway just jumping for joy!

A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls. They

Entries in a Dog's Diary: 7 am - Oh boy! A walk! My favorite! 8 am - Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite! 9

After working most of her life Grandma finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her

1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow. 2. Money will buy a fine

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me, and we all could use more calm in

King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could

Congress Votes to Outsource Presidency, Washington, DC (AP) Congress today announced that the office

A grandmother was pushing her little grandchild around Wal- Mart in a buggy. Each time she put something

A Japanese company ( Toyota ) and an American company (General Motors decided to have a canoe race

TWO DUCK HUNTERS FROM WISCONSIN: ABSOLUTELY A TRUE STORY HEARD ON A WISCONSIN RADIO STATION REPORTING

A guy receives an ad in the mail for a golf resort where everything costs one dollar. He jumps at the

Last week my tie caught on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with an ax! I met the surgeon general.

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.'

A priest was preparing a man for his long journey into the night. Whispering firmly, the priest

A guy meets a hooker in a bar. She says, "This is your lucky night. I''ve got a special game for you. I''ll

Old tribal wisdom says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to

Grandma's letter; She is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes: Dear

I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to

I had checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely so I thought I'd get me one of those

A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia. The doctor gave him a thorough examination, found

1. You must first learn to pronounce the city name, it is L. A. 2. The morning rush hour is from

A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one

A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place. A

TO: MR. JAMES THATCHER, BRAND MANAGER, PROCTER & GAMBLE. Dear Mr. Thatcher, I have been a loyal

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. Garden

I've sure gotten old. I've had 2 By-pass surgeries. A hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your

Two Irishmen, Patrick Murphy and Shawn O'Brian grew up together and were lifelong friends. But alas,

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died,

One day, there was a catastrophic event that caused all living creatures on Earth to die. To sort things

A woman named Jill stood up at her church's Testimony Meeting one Sunday morning, took the microphone

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal

People who live in glass houses should make love in the basement. Never read the fine print. There

A lady walked into a Lexus dealership just to browse. Suddenly, she spotted the most beautiful car

Two guys and a union worker were fishing on a lake one day, when Jesus walked across the water and

An elderly couple, Ray and Bessie, are "snowbirds" in Texas. Ray had always wanted a pair of authentic

A couple had only been married for two weeks and the husband, although very much in love, couldn't

The subway car was packed. It was rush hour, and many people were forced to stand. One particularly

Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?" "Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security

Even if you aren't a skier, you'll be able to appreciate the humor of the slopes as written by a New

A woman sat in the waiting room when her octogenarian husband was in the examination room for his

Old Aunt Cora went to her doctor to see what could be done about her troublesome constipation. "It's

Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder and made a spectacle of himself? Doctors

On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons. Early one morning, the woman

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend. When I was 16 I got a girlfriend,

When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the

A Lady goes to Toys R Us to buy a Barbie doll. She tells the clerk that she needs to buy a Barbie

Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary. Suddenly,

your breasts must think i'm good lookin cause they keep lookin at me. Hey baby, you keep running

One day while Little Johnny and his freind Arnie were playing out in the back yard,they started talking

Golf balls are like eggs. They're white, they're sold by the dozen, and every week you have to buy more. A

A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the

It's wise to remember how easily email can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences. Consider

A pretty blonde woman is driving down a country road in her new sports car when something goes wrong

A young Southern couple got married and went on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders.

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may

Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss, But I only slept with you, because I was pissed. I

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was

There was a church down in Southwest Texas that had a very big-busted organist. Her breasts were so

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by kids) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff.

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his

A first grade school teacher in Virginia had twenty-five students in her class. She presented each

A blonde was shopping at Walmart and came across a shiny silver thermos. She was quite fascinated

The owner of a golf course in Tennessee was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask

Willie Nelson's public statement regarding being caught with a bag of marijuana recently: "It's

A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago: "The material we put into our stomachs

The Reverend John Fuzz was a pastor of a small congregation in a little Pennsylvania town. One day, walking

At Heathrow Airport in England, a 300 ft. red carpet was stretched out to Air Force One and President

The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his late

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. He

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room. The

A contestant on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" had reached the final plateau. If she answered the

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags, one in each hand. There's

Last month, National University of Lesotho scientists released the results of a recent analysis that

An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop.

If your unfortunate enough to have to visit Yankee Country - like Boston (pronounced BAH-stin), this

"Are you religious? Because I could be the answer to your prayers." "Is there an airport nearby

An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living the last of his life in a nursing home. One day he appeared to

A female officer arrested a man for drunk driving. The female officer tells the man: "Sir, you have

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program. The next day, there's a knock

A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about

When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, but before

After getting all of The Pope's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver

Mid-life is when you go to the doctor and you realize you are now so old, you have to pay someone

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife turning back and forth, looking at

# 10 Life is sexually transmitted. # 9 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which

1. Illiterate? Write today for free help. 2. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try

Jack had a blind date with Jill for the prom and, as the evening progressed, he found himself attracted

Three men die and meet Peter at the pearly gates. "In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of the University

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the

After working for years, a hooker finally retired and, being afraid of spending the rest of her life

One day the teacher decides to play an animal game. She holds up a picture of a giraffe and asks if

I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy."

The wife comes home early and finds her husband in their master bedroom making love to a beautiful,

10. Your visa card and your belt both hit their limit. 9. She's been wearing an engagement ring

Some retired deputy sheriffs went to a retreat in the mountains. To save money, they decided to sleep

Two elderly women were in a beauty parlor getting their hair done, when in walked a young chick with

Dear Mrs. Fenton, Over the past six months, your husband, Mr. Bill Fenton has been causing quite

In light of the rising frequency of human - grizzly bear conflicts, the Alaska Department of Fish

Married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment,

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After

Before the 2001 inauguration of George Bush, he was invited to a get-acquainted tour of the White

MONDAY: It's fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately.

A contestant on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire" had reached the final plateau. If she answered the

They met at the singles club meeting and discovered over time that they enjoyed each other's company. After

Pretty soon, I won't be able to do anything except sit in my chair and read! I must send my thanks

"An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they

A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The

You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track. Logic is a systematic method

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.On their wedding night, she told

It's out! Brand new edition of... "You know you're A redneck when......" 1. You take your dog for

Slap Your Co-Worker Day is Coming!! May 22 is the official Slap Your Irritating Co-workers Holiday:

DINING OUT 1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly

The Washington Post asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting,

Bill and Hillary are at a Yankees home game, sitting in the first row, With the Secret Service people

A man called home to his wife and said, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my

This preacher was looking for a good used lawnmower one day. He found one at a yard sale that Little

Here's a prime example of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus" offered by an English professor

I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court. I noticed an old man watching a teenager

At a college with a shady reputation, the new dean responded to investigations into the basketball

According to the FBI, most modern-day bank robberies are "unsophisticated and unprofessional crimes,"

A German tourist walks into a McDonald's in New York City and orders a beer. (In Germany and many

A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished,

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer. "Certainly, Sir , that'll be one

While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a U.S. Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale

An attractive woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down.

Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people

Having a rough day? Just in case you've had a rough day, here's a stress management technique recommended

This not a widely known fact, mainly because of the little-known popularity of the celebrity involved.

Into a belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is

Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help

While suturing a laceration on the hand of a 90-year-old man, the doctor asked his patient how he thought

1. Sag, you're it. 2. Hide and go pee. 3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear. 4. Kick

I was testing the children in my Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled

Life isn't like a box of chocolates; it's more like a jar of jalapenos: you never know what's going

I don't understand. After the last child was born, she told me we had to cut back on expenses, I had

Take Care of the Big Rocks First A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in

9. Promises to improve foreign relations with Hawaii. 8. Runs a series of attack ads against Martin

by David Letterman 10. The cucumber has left the salad. 9. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower

Q. When is a retiree's bedtime? A. Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch. Q. How many

A man goes into a store and asks the clerk for some "Polish Sausage." The clerk looked at him and

Dear Dogs and Cats, The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated

Try this... On your way home from work, stop at a pharmacy and purchase a rectal thermometer made

A Georgia State Trooper pulled a car over on I-95 about 2 miles south of the Georgia/South Carolina

After having been served in a Las Vegas cocktail lounge, a real southern gentleman beckoned the waitress

BACHELOR: A guy who has avoided the opportunity to make some woman miserable. BRIDE: A woman

In case you have been waiting breathlessly for this year's Darwin Awards, here they are. The awards

A 57-year-old woman was arrested for shoplifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, "What

Love- When your eyes meet across a crowded room. Lust- When your tongues meet across a crowded room. Marriage-

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats

Bill had always been a prankster. As each of his friends were married, Bill made sure some type of

Personal Ads That Were Probably NEVER Answered SWM: Roommate needed for six bedroom north side condo. $800/month

I think that 'Clueless' was very deep. I think it was deep in the way that it was very light. I think

When a woman wears leather clothing: A man's heart beats quicker, and his throat gets dry, and

One year at Christmas my mom went to my sister's house for the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible

One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches

No matter what you do or where you go, you're always going to be yourself. And Panexa knows this. Your

The old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up from the couch then starts putting on his coat.

Bush and Osama decided to settle the war once and for all. They sat down and decided to settle the

In a small Southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone

A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event, hosted by a local liberal arts college.

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: 1 October 2005 RE: Christmas

TO: Honorable Secretary of Agriculture Washington, D.C. Dear Sir, My friend, Buba Peterson,

You might be a redneck if .... You've ever had Thanksgiving dinner on a Ping-Pong table. Thanksgiving

The coach had put together the perfect team for the New Orleans Saints. The only thing missing was

History began some 12,000 years ago.(Actually, it was 40,000 years ago.) Humans existed as members

And your crybaby whinny opinion would be...? This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting. I

A man and his friend were enjoying Deer Hunting Season in rural Arkansas near a blacktop highway. A

A man walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face. "What are you so happy about?" asks the

A father asked his 10 year-old son if he knew about the birds and the bees. "I don't want to know!"

10. Guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack. 9. If you get tired, wait 10 minutes

Concerned about her relationship, a woman approaches her doctor and says "Doc, I'm getting married

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party. After several drinks, one

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices the very handsome cab driver won't stop

As a court clerk, I am well-versed in the jury-selection process. First a computer randomly selects

Save all manner of bacon grease. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let

Hello, my name is William and I suffer from guilt for not forwarding 50 billion fucking chain letters

A Texas family of football supporters head out one Saturday to the outlet mall to do their tax-free

Dear Husband: I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the

A big corporation recently hired several cannibals in the interest of cultural diversity. You are

Wife: Oh, come on. Husband: Leave me alone! Wife: It won't take long. Husband: I won't be

On a given night, 2 death row inmates are scheduled to be electrocuted on old sparky. While one execution

The Mr. Right Rejection Letter Form Dear [____rejectee's name here_____], I regret to inform

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One

1) The new policy on sexual harassment includes your photo. 2) The Security guard makes a complete

An elderly man goes into his doctors office for an annual physical. After a while, the doctor comes

Name of Boyfriend/Fiancé/Husband: I request permission for a leave of absence from the highest

There was a loser who couldn't get a date. He went to a bar and asked a guy how to get a date. The

- Your sister's a real knock-out. Is one of you adopted? - For the longest time I lived with a

The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of

Customer: Hi. How much is your paint? Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things. Customer:

A couple in their nineties are BOTH having problems remembering things. They decide to go to the doctor

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking

1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared

I checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely so I thought I'd get me one of those

Memory was something you lost with age An application was for employment A program was a TV show A

From : Managing Director To : Executive Director "Tomorrow morning there will be a total eclipse

A boy was taking care of his baby sister while his parents went to town shopping. He decided to go

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. "So, how is everything going?" inquired

The Law of Volunteering" If you dance with a grizzly bear, you had better let him lead. "The Law

A big shot executive had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses

Little Tommy was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything; tutors, flash cards,

NUDITY I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible

The couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted

Born 1903-Died 1942 Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car was on the way down. It was. ****************************** In

A redhead, a brunette and a blonde were lunching together, discussing what they thought the worlds

Tired of being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decides to solve both problems

* Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong. * Keep skunks and bankers and

The Center for Disease Control has issued a warning about a new virulent strain of Sexually Transmitted

A man and woman were having marriage problems, and decided to end their union after a very short time

Commandment 1. Marriages are made in heaven. But so again are thunder and lightning. Commandment

1. "Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife." 2. "I've always wanted

1. "I got kicked out of Riverdance for using my arms." - Michael Flatley (lead Riverdancer) 2.

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. As he sits, the waitress comes

In the year 2005, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said, "Once

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds

Differential Theory of US Armed Forces (Snake Model) upon encountering a snake in the Area of Operations

As we age, our priorities change .. The other day I came home and was greeted by my wife, dressed only

A young guy from Missouri moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything-under-one-roof" department

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. 2. One tequila, two tequila, three

Bill and Hillary are at the Yankee's World Series Game 6; sitting in the first row, with the Secret

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat

I would not say that the future is necessarily less predictable than the past. I think the past was

The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions.

A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The

An old couple is having breakfast when the old woman says to her husband, "Just think, honey, we've

A man in the Florida supermarket tries to buy half a head of lettuce. The very young produce assistant

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside.

THE WIT AND THE WISDOM OF HOMER J.SIMPSON "Now son, you don't want to drink beer. That''s for Daddys,

What is a Cat? Cats do what they want. They rarely listen to you. They're totally unpredictable.

Useful phrases when dealing with the general population. Try to incorporate these into your conversations

Old Farmer Went To Town To See A Movie The Ticket Agent Asked, "sir, What's That On Your Shoulder?"

Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle.

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to

As a crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a five-year-old boy who picks

People who live in glass houses should make love in the basement. Never read the fine print. There

1.) Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. 2.) If

If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise. - Unknown Some days you're the dog; some

Note: Sometimes a story comes along that needs no polishing or enhancement to make it better.

The new employee stood before the paper shredder looking confused. "Need some help?" a secretary

Think a gallon of gas is expensive? This makes one think, and also puts things in perspective. Diet

A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned. The doctor told

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the

This is an actual job application that a 17 year old boy submitted to McDonald's in Florida... and

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true? A: Your heart is only

A day before his 15th birthday, the son of a wealthy family was asked by his father, `Well my son,

A woman was chatting with her next-door neighbor. "I feel really good today. I started out this morning

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A Mexican man becomes an instant millionaire after winning the lottery. With his newfound wealth,

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly the sky clouded above his head

Helpdesk: What kind of computer do you have? Female customer: A white one... -------------------------------------------------------------------- Hi,

Alabama: Yes, We Have Electricity Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong! Arizona: But It's A

Dear Tech Support: Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the

At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady truck up a conversation and

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer

A Mexican family crosses the border to the Land of Milk and Honey where the streets are supposed

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything

One day a fella was driving home when he suddenly realized that it was his daughter's birthday and

After a night on the town, a young woman brought a new friend home for a late-night drink. "You can't

Sam and Bessie are senior citizens, and Sam has always wanted an expensive pair of alligator cowboy

1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out. 2. Age is a very high price to pay for

To the citizens of the United States of America: In the light of your failure to elect a competent

A Man And A Young Beautiful Woman Are Engaging In A "Romantic Affair" In The Lovely Young Womans Bedroom.

[The year would not be complete without the Darwin Awards - awarded every year to the persons who

Man "Haven't we met before?" Woman "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic." Man "Haven't

Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption,

Any woman can have the body of a 21-year-old, as long as she buys him a few drinks first. My memory's

John and his wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full length mirror

You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were

One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of

A man fell asleep on the beach.He woke up several hours later and suffered a severe sunburn to his

Adam was hanging around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely. So, God asked him, "What's wrong

A gentleman was just out of surgery for a appendicitus. His wife sat calmly beside him holding his

*Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal. *I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. *WANTED:

* Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot. * Learn from your parents' mistakes

I. There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa

Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip...but there were problems everywhere.

I think Santa Claus is a woman .... I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's

Miss Bea, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was much admired

A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place. A

A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist. "Come now," coaxed the doctor,

Some of us Southerners are pretty skeptical of horoscopes and the people that read them. If we are

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured

"Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine." "I love cats...they taste just like chicken" "Out

"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand." Woody

In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the day. During that time we regret that you

A college student challenged a senior citizen, saying, "It is impossible for your generation to understand

Married Priests in Catholic Church a Long Time Coming Prosecutors Want Victim in Courtroom During

Some people say that I'm superficial, but that's just on the surface. On one hand, I'm indecisive;

Accountant - Someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing. Auditor - Someone

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls

Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and going into the woods. Curious, he follows

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet

A Russian and an Newfoundland wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic Gold medal. Before the

A wife arrived home from a shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed naked, with

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program. The next day, there's a

15. "Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby." 14. "I sure hope your

One night a blonde nun was praying in her room when God appeared before her. "My daughter, you have

Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, boss I no come work today, I really sick. I got headache,

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of sh*t . 2. I don't know what your

I know you have an interest in poker - here's a twist. Two couples were playing cards one evening.

WASHINGTON, DC (AP) - Congress approved sweeping legislation, which provides new benefits for many

Two guys are walking through the woods and come across this big deep hole. "Wow...that looks deep."

It was the first day of school in Marietta, Georgia, and a new student named Suzuki, the son of a Japanese

A blind man was describing his favorite sport... parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished,

1. Jesse Jackson, Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called "Ministers

10 INDISPUTABLE TRUTHS BLACK PEOPLE KNOW, BUT WHITE PEOPLE WON'T ADMIT: 1. Elvis is dead. 2.

You live in Arizona when.. 1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade. 2. You

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck,

THINGY (thing-ee) n. female: Any part under a car's hood. male: The strap fastener on a woman's

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the finance committee refuses to provide funds for the

The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. "In honor of

Little Johnny 's next door neighbors had a baby. Unfortunately, the little baby was born with no ears. When

PARIS HILTON CALLS FOR END TO SWIFT BOAT FLAP Says It's drawing Attention Away From Her Hotel

A farmer has three sons. One day, his oldest boy comes to him and pleads with him that he is graduating

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Unbeknownst to her, her 9

Who says cops don't have a sense of humor? The following were taken off of actual police car videos

A woman had 8 children, all of them boys. So, one day a magazine sent a journalist to her house for

There were two lovers, who were really into spiritualism and reincarnation. They vowed that if either

Seems God was just about done with creating the universe but he had two extra things left over in

How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened when she brings it. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Why

The story behind the letter below is that there is this nutball in Newport, Rhode Island named Scott

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me.

Attached is some correspondence which actually occurred between a London hotel's staff and one of

Picture yourself near a stream. Birds are softly chirping in the crisp, cool, mountain air.

I once received a fax with a note on the bottom to fax the document back to the sender when I was

A man attempting to set up his new printer called the printer's tech Support number, complaining about

Two rednecks are driving down the highway, drinking their beer, when flashing lights from a policeman

After his death, Osama bin Laden went to heaven. There he was greeted by George Washington, who

Dear Abby, I am a crack dealer in Beaumont, Texas who has recently been diagnosed as a carrier

1. Never take a beer to a job interview. 2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting

A cab driver pulled up at a stop sign near Central Park in New York. A stark naked woman jumped out

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as

You may not know that many nonliving things have a gender. For example... 1) Ziploc Bags- They

World's thinnest Books available at a bookstore near you. FRENCH WAR HEROES by Jacques Chirac HOW

Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad. Canadians: Are rather indignant about

Male Seminars by Females 1. Combatting Stupidity 2. You, Too, Can Do Housework 3. PMS: Learn

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been

On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly

Rhonda went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the

Historical information you need to know about shipping Manure: In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything

Two 90 yr. old men decided to go to there local whore house one more time before it was to late. They

A man went to the beach to work on his tan. In his hotel room that night, he noticed that he had a

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington recently was faced with a unique

1. Good: Your wife is pregnant. Bad: It's triplets. Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago. 2.

A white-haired old man walked into a jewelry store on a Friday, with a beautiful young lady at his

A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in

A woman has had serious headaches for several years and has tried everything; been to several doctors

Essential NEW WORDS FOR 2004 editions for the work-place vocabulary: BLAMESTORMING Sitting around

25. Come up with 50 new shades of gray for Martha Stewart Paints. 24. Start marketing new "Martha

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar one day and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes,

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious

He, who laughs last, thinks slowest. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film. A

There were two brothers. One was very good and tried always to live right and be helpful. His brother

A mother enters her daughter's bedroom and sees a letter over the bed. With the worst premonition,

A .. HARD-DISK Woman: She remembers everything you say and do,FOREVER.!!! B... WINDOWS Woman:

This is the best lawyer story of the year, decade, and probably the century. A Charlotte, NC, lawyer

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's

70-year-old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal results. Dr.

In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the back of

Russian President Putin called President George W. Bush with an emergency. "Our largest condom factory

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. Gardening

A friend just got back from a holiday ski trip to Utah with the kind of story that warms the cockles

Scenario: You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a

I promise you cannot read these and not laugh out loud! These are real notes written from parents

Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday and I wasn't feeling too good that morning. I went to breakfast

A Russian and an American wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic Gold Medal. Before the final

1. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever! Unless you actually

FINE This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to

Cinderella is now 95 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits

1. Okay, okay! I take it back. Unf*ck you. 2. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing. 3. Well,

Some of us Southerners are pretty skeptical of horoscopes and the people that read them. If we are

man died and went to The Judgment. St. Peter met him at the Gates of Heaven and said, "Before you

An investment counselor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept

Here are some conversations that actually happened between help desk people and their customers. Customer:

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK: Indubitably Innovative Preliminary Cinnamon THINGS

Despite how you may have personally felt about the issue, there was a good logical reason for removing

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan

There's an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery.

"Aim towards the Enemy." - Instruction printed on U.S. Rocket Launcher "When the pin is pulled,

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against wall. The owner asks the

A man was walking in the city, when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking bum

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful (and intelligent) pet dachshund

Toward the end of the golf course, Dave somehow managed to hit his ball into the woods finding it

The Doctor said: "The good news is I can cure your headaches...The bad news is that it will require

An office manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through

The Sheriff in a small Texas town walks out in the street and sees a blonde cowboy coming down the

The teacher noticed that Johnny had been daydreaming for a long time. She decided to get his attention. "Johnny,"

A guy walks into a bar. He sits down at the end of the bar, next to another guy, who was the only

Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a physical, only to find out that she's pregnant. She is furious...

My wife of 14 years is convinced she has Mad Cow disease... ... After all, she had a fast food taco

You are different and that's bad. Pop goes the hamster......and other great microwave games. What

One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her husband in bed with another woman. She

A man worked in a post office. His job was to process all mail that had illegible addresses. One

If you recall the old Hollywood Squares show, this will bring a tear to your eyes. They are worth

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take

Russian couple were walking down the street in Moscow one night, when the man felt a drop hit his

Two women friends had gone for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the

10. "Clocks are five hours fast" 9. "Everybody's speaking some crazy foreign language" 8. "Harry

A female police officer arrests a guy for drunk driving. While reading him his Miranda Rights, the

This is a test for men only and all "real men" will answer "C" to all of these questions. However,

Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an

Johnny and his wife went to the State Fair every year. Every year Johnny would say, "I'd like to ride

A customer service award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being so clever

A nun was going to Chicago. She went to the airport and sat down waiting for her flight. She looked

On a group of beautiful deserted tropical islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people

1. "I can't find it." MEANS: It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I am completely clueless.

One fine day, Jim and Bob are out golfing. Jim slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He grabs

SUNDAY: 0800 - My 33 Sons 0830 - Osama Knows Best 0900 - I Dream of Mohammed 0930 - Let's

These are actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. Her face was a perfect oval,

HER DIARY Saturday night I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to

An old man was sitting on a bus. A young man sat down beside him. He had spiked hair in all different

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. 2. If

1. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards,

One evening a father overheard his son saying his prayers "God bless Mommy, Daddy and Grammy. Goodbye

These, are real answers given by children. Q: Name the four seasons. A: Salt, pepper, mustard and

A southern farmer got in his pickup and drove several miles to a neighboring farm and knocked on the

This is a compilation of actual Church Bulletins and Service bloopers... Our next song is "Angels

Two elderly residents, one male and one female, were sitting alone in the lobby of their nursing home

A little old couple walked slowly into a McDonalds one cold winter evening. They looked out of place

ABBOT: Ultimate Super Duper Computer Store. Can I help you? COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up

What do you expect from such simple creatures!? Their last name stays put. The garage is all

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back and

After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for a younger woman. The house was in his name

While attending a marriage seminar on communication, Wally and his wife Carolyn listened to the instructor

(Internal Revenue Service, an agency of the government to whom Americans pay taxes on their salary.) --Always

A wife arrived home from a shopping trip and was shocked to find her husband in bed with a lovely

It's even hotter than usual in Phoenix, 116 degrees sets a new record, the Associated Press reports: About

God looked at earth and wanted to know what kind of behaviour that was going on. He decided to send

A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed,

The Washington Post's Style Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary,

DRESS CODE It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you

A woman desperately looking for work went into a factory. The personnel manager looked over her resume

By Scott Roeben was a very wise man. But you'd never know it because he used such fancy-schmancy

CLASSIC VERSION: The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house

An American tourist in London found himself needing to go to the bathroom something terrible. After

I took some friends out to dinner last week, and I noticed a spoon in the shirt pocket of our waiter

Dear Diary: Day 1 Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When

Men are like ....... Laxatives ...... They irritate the @#%$ out of you. Men are like ........

Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what

Jose is 17 years old and lives in Mexico. All his life he has wanted to see an American baseball game.

Little Jenny walked into the kitchen one day and looked up at her mother, who was busy cooking dinner.

An old man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell

NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial

A man and his wife were driving through country on his way from New York to California. Looking

A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when

"Managing senior programmers is like herding cats." - -Dave Platt "Do not meddle in the affairs

A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse. The horse's trainer meets him

A gentleman walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He says he is going

The chief of staff of the US Army decided that he would personally intervene in the recruiting crisis

A guy goes to the Post Office to interview for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Are you a Veteran?" The

Two old pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane by going back to the place where they first

The Reverend John Fuzz was a pastor of a small congregation in a little Pennsylvania town. One day,

The boss ordered one of his men to dig a hole eight feet deep. After the job was completed the boss

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to 10

The Wisconsin State Dept of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen and golfers

THE VALUE OF UNDIES-- Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle... From

This memo is to announce the development of a new software system which will be Year 2000 compliant.

A blonde had just totalled her car in a horrific road accident but miraculously, she managed to pry

A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams.

On a hot, dusty day a cowboy rode into a small frontier town. After dismounting, he walked behind

A blonde named Mary decides to do something really wild. Something she hasn't done before, so she

At a convention of biological scientists, one researcher remarks to another, "Did you know that in

The following story was written by Andrew Marlatt. It first appeared on SatireWire on Feb. 1, 2002

The Smiths were unable to conceive children, and decided to use a surrogate father to start their

God and Adam are talking in the Garden of Eden one day and God asks "How are you doing?" Adam replies

The Army Airborne major was used to harassment from Air Force fliers about crazy Army paratroopers

Hung Chow calls in to work and says, "Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache,

An entire new strain of viruses has just been uncovered and we wanted to get this information to you

Jones came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting

A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His camel dies of thirst. He's crawling

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on. The first surgeon says,

The makers of French's Mustard made the following recent statement: "We at the French's Company

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the

A doctor is making his rounds in the hospital when he comes upon a guy with the worst case of sunburn

The only seat available on the train was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged French woman

An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he has never

OK, I'm the only female in a house full of guys. 4 sons and a hubby. Toilet seat is never down...etc. SOOOOoooooooooo

A 75 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar

Man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. So he walks down to the store only

trucker hauling computers and accessories is driving down the highway late one night when he sees

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed

A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a large amount of whisky at a

There was a little old lady standing at a corner. She had both hands holding her hat on while the

A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems

Jason wanted to get his blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary, but also something

A fellow came into a bar and ordered a martini. Before drinking it, he removed the olive and carefully

An Arkansas woman is in the welfare office filling out forms. The welfare officer asks her how many

When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was

Two engineering students meet on campus one day. The first engineer calls out to the other, "Hey --

A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a department store and asks, "W-w-w-where's

This lady is giving a party for her granddaughter, and has gone all out. She had a caterer, band,

An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his IRS agent and his lawyer (both church members),

A DOCTOR at an asylum decided to take his inmates to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached

Three men - an American, a Japanese and an Irishman - were sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly there

A man who absolutely hated his wife's cat decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks

A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona and sees that the car's oil-pressure light is on.

Doctor Joe had slept with one of his patients and had felt guilty all day long. No matter how

An eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library wall, so he called an artist. Describing

A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things to be self-sufficient

Sometime after Sidney died, his widow, Tillie, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around looking for valuables and when

One day, Jesus and the Devil were both working on their computers. Jesus was typing away. The Devil

For a computer programming class, I sat directly across from someone, and our computers were facing

A preacher was telling his congregation that anything they could think of, old or new, was discussed

A very flat-chested woman finally decided she needed a bra and set out to the mall in search of one

"You're in remarkable shape for a man your age," said the doctor to the ninety-year old man after

This old couple is ready to go to sleep so the old man lays on the bed but the old woman lays on the

Two 80 year old men sat talking over the weather and the latest in medical science, and such, when

A beautiful young girl is about to undergo a minor operation. She's laid on a hospital trolley bed

A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone (a male

"Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated." "What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement.

Add It Up: Relationship Guide For all you guys out there who just can't figure it out, here it is:

MARKETING: You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of

Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the big table he looks into his small bowl.

The Scene: The Pearly Gates to Heaven. St Peter is receptionist at the entrance. - A cat shows up.

Lil' Johnny's mother took her 5 year old son with her to the bank on a busy Friday. They were in

One afternoon while doing some work in the garden I noticed my dog dragging something under the fence.

A man is flying a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces his height and spots a man below.

A journalist assigned to the Jerusalem bureau takes an apartment overlooking the Wailing Wall. Every

Jesus dies and goes up to Heaven. The first thing he does is look for his father, as he has never

A businessman and his secretary, overcome by passion, retire to his house for what is popularly termed

There was a zebra who had lived her entire life in a zoo and was getting on in age so the zoo keeper

The Saudi Ambassador to the UN has just finished giving a speech, and walks out into the lobby where

A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five

As a mother passed her daughter's closed bedroom door,she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near an abandoned gas station. They approached the gas

A very proper man started going into the neighbourhood pharmacy every week to buy 2 dozen boxes of

An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the

These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to go up to Dallas

This hillbilly kid goes into a drugstore and asks the druggist for a box of condoms. The druggist

More than anything, Bob wanted to be a cowpoke. Taking pity on him, a rancher decided to hire the

Three Pastors were having lunch together at a diner. The first Pastor said, "Ya know, since summer

Eager to try it out, he takes one as soon as he gets home, and waits for his wife to come home from

A woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond rings, a

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual

A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is

A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives

When Uncle Charlie died of old age, Bill was bequeathed his uncle's prized Amazon parrot. This parrot

Guy in a bar playing pool has a pet monkey. Monkey jumps onto the table, grabs the cue ball and stuffs

A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. --Henny Youngman The best way

Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view. The fact that no one

1.) "If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all

A "Kinder, Gentler System" Sony has announced its own computer operating system now available on

You might be a Redneck Jedi if..... you ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with y'all." your

This woman goes to a pet store to purchase some dog food. She puts the bag of food up on the counter

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to

A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a 1999 Ferrari GTO. It is also most expensive

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. 2. Learn to work the toilet seat; if

Two rednecks met in a bar and decided that they weren't going anywhere in life so thought they should

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing. One lady turns and asks, "Do

A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist. "Come now," coaxed the doctor,

A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida for a long weekend to thaw out during on particularly

A man decides to take the opportunity while his wife is away to paint the wooden toilet seat. The

A city boy was visiting the country and wanted to go hunting. The farmer lent the boy his gun, telling

A blonde who's down on her luck is walking through a luxurious neighbourhood looking for odd jobs to

There was a girl who went to sunday school and always fell asleep. One day the teacher asked and pointed

A man was in his yard mowing the grass when his blonde neighbor came out of the house and went straight

A Truck Driver was driving down the highway when he saw a priest at the side of the Road. He stopped

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day,

One day a nice young couple were on their way to the Justice of the Peace to get married. They had

In a small cathedral a janitor was cleaning the pews between services when he was approached by the

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady

Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Jenny. "She's incredibly dumb.

The passenger tapped the cab driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed, lost

An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While in China, he is very sexually promiscuous and

Blonde Boater A True Story Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an

Four married men were golfing. While at the fourth hole, the first man said, "you have no idea what

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in South Louisiana. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into

A driver is pulled over by a policeman. Man: Is there a problem Officer? Officer: Sir, you were

A missionary gets sent into deepest darkest Africa and goes to live with a tribe there. He spends

A Boston fan, a Yankees fan, and Pamela Anderson are sitting together in a train. The train enters

Marine Corps General Reinwald was interviewed on the radio the other day and you have to read

*Juan the Smuggler* Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He has two large bags

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how TRUE this is! They actually have a chili

A Bible study group was discussing the unforeseen possibility of sudden death. "We will all die

Never before had Sue looked in the box that her husband Fred kept under their bed. The box had been

1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers. 2. What do you do if your

The parish was very poor and the priest tried everything he could to raise money. But the Bingo

A lawyer died. At the same moment, the Pope also died. They arrived at the gates of heaven at

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly

A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at

A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes

An engineer dies and reports to hell. Pretty soon, the engineer getsdissatisfied with the level

1. When you run away in the middle of a perfectly good leg humping. 2. Blaming your

In France, the young assistant pastors do not live in the main rectory. That is reserved for the

A man was called in for an audit by the IRS. So he asked his accountant for advice on what to wear.

The priest in a small Irish village was very fond of the chickens he kept in the hen house out the

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied.

Three rednecks, Bubba, Earl and Jeb, were stumbling home late one night and found themselves on the

I was at a friends wedding. Her father asked me to dance with him. He was pretty drunk, but I figured

A man was in a bar all day and he had to use the bathroom. He was in there for a while, yelling. The

An Avon Lady was delivering products in a high-rise and was riding in the elevator. Suddenly, she had

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his

A fellow stopped at a rural gas station and after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home

A man was being interviewed for a job. "Were you in the service?" asked the interviewer. "Yes,

A very good looking man walks into a singles bar, gets a drink and has a seat. During the course of

A guy walks into a bar and asks for three beers. The bartender puts them up and then watches the guy

A young punk gets on the cross town bus and sits down in the only vacant seat, directly across from

A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce. The attorney asked, "May I

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have

God summons St. Peter and says, "St. Peter, we have a problem. Heaven is full. However, we have a

Two buddies were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other had a Chihuahua. As

This an interactive joke, so have a piece of paper and pen handy. A blonde woman walks into an auto

Once there was a golfer whose drive landed on an anthill. Rather than move the ball, he decided to

A little boy had been pawing over the stock of greeting cards at a stationery store. After a few

Prince Charles finds an ancient wine bottle in the cellar of Windsor Castle. When he opens it a genie

A guy goes to the pharmacist and says, "Listen, these two girls are coming over this weekend, and they

Three sisters decided to get married on the same day to save their parents the expense of separate

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls

A man traveling by plane was in urgent need of a restroom facility. But each time he tried, it was

In life there are two things to worry about: either you are well or you are sick. If you are well then

An Arkansas woman is in the welfare office filling out forms. The welfare officer asks her how many

A rabbit broke out of the laboratory where he had been born and raised. As he scurried away, he felt

There was a party that many rich people attended. The host had recently built a tank with many alligators,

Ben and Haley had gotten up in years, and their memories weren't quite what they used to be. They

German scientists dug 50 metres underground and discovered small pieces of copper. After studying these

Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was

Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat. They

A man was walking through a forest pondering life. He walked, pondered, walked, and pondered. He felt

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices

The FAA has a device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. They point this thing at

The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques

A blind man and his guide dog enter a bar and find their way to a barstool. After ordering a drink

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

A man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist asked, "Yes

A cat shows up at the Pearly gates of heaven. St. Peter says, "I know you! You were a very nice

Three prospective church goers attend a meeting with the clergy of a local church and ask to become

A young lady whom thought she was overweight went to see a dietician. She walked into his office and

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me

A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald's. He noticed that they had ordered

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of

Three babies are in their mother's womb. One of them says, "I want to be an artist, so everyone will

A man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying in bed for a few minutes the man cuts a fart. His

Some not too smart gangsters decide to rob a bank. After several days of planning they agree on the

A man died in a horrible fire. The mortician thought it was George, but the body was so badly burned

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at

A baby was born with the ability to talk. The first thing he said when he was born was, "Are you

One day long ago, a man and woman got married. The man told the woman that there would always be a

A guy went to visit a friend at the hospital. His friend was all busted up and in several casts. After

There was this guy and he was driving along until he got a flat. He spotted a near-by farm and decided

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day,

A man received a bill for his as yet unused credit card stating that he owed $0.00. He ignored it and

A man and his little boy were walking through the park when a honeybee landed near them. The boy ran

A father and son went fishing one day. While they were out on the water, the boy suddenly became curious

Bill and Moe had started with only five hundred dollars between them, but they had built up a computer

A man walks into a bar with his dog and orders two glasses of whiskey. He proposes a toast and both

Two confirmed bachelors were sitting and talking. Their conversation drifted from politics to cooking.

The world's first fully computerized airliner was ready for its maiden flight without pilots or crew.

Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Mann went to study at an English university and was living in the

Two assassins are hired to kill a dictator in South America. They follow his every move for months,

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down

There once was a lady who was very concerned about her missing parrot. Not knowing what to do, she

A couple of pals had the following conversation recently: "Hey Larry, going away on holiday again?" "Yes,

A henpecked husband was advised by a psychiatrist to assert himself. "You don't have to let your wife

A few housewives were sitting around the table talking, and the subject turned to their husbands. One

A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength.

Morris the matchmaker approached a single woman and told her he had a husband for her. "I'm ashamed

A magician worked on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so

A woman wanted a pet so she went to the local pet shop. She looked at the dogs and the cats but finally

Little Johnny and his grandmother were shopping in a department store. Little Johnny wanted to go

Two unemployed guys are talking. One says, "I'm going to become a lion tamer." The other replies, "That's

A crusty old marine corps colonel found himself at a gala event downtown, hosted by a local liberal

A woman is becoming increasingly worried that she might never find a mate. She wonders if there is

An enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory. He knocks,

A man with a bad stomach complaint goes to his doctor and asks him what he can do. The doctor replies

An old married couple was sitting in their rocking chairs enjoying a beautiful sunset when the old

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of

Little Johnny and Billy were engaging in the time-honored tradition of a verbal battle like little

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny,

A woman's husband was cheating on her. The woman and her husband got a divorce and the woman went on

Three guys that all worked bulding high rise buildings sat down to lunch one day. The first one opens

At school, a boy is told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that

A man decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop somewhere in Washington DC. Picking through the objects

Four surgeons were sitting around discussing who they like to operate on. The first surgeon said,

A priest was taking a shortcut through an alley one day and came upon a young boy who was masturbating. "My

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. By mistake, St.Peter directs him to go below. So,

There was a huge nut tree by the cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and

A young wife, her boorish husband and a young good looking sailor were shipwrecked on an island. One

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident. Both of their cars are totally demolished but

A guy calls up his ex-wife and, disguising his voice, asks to speak to himself. "Sorry, he doesn't

A very attractive young lady was sitting in a fine restaurant one night. Waiting for her date as

A defendant was on trial for murder in Oklahoma. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there

"I can let you have this top-of-the-line stereo for nine hundred dollars, minus six percent for cash,"

Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about nurse Jenny. "She's incredibly dumb.

There was this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery.

A truck driver would amuse himself by running over lawyers he would see walking down the side of the

A man who had spent his whole life in the desert visited a friend. He'd never seen a train or the tracks

There was once a sheep farmer who had a French farm hand working with him to help castrate his

A ten-year-old boy was failing math. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis, but to no

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party. The wife came down with a terrible headache

A guy is stranded on an island with only a Doberman and a pig for company. There's plenty of food

A guy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what guys and girls do

A woman goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for all the major status figures in Rome, Italy.

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw,

A lonely frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and asked what his future holds. His Personal

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to

A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he wants to buy a pet that can do everything. The

A man and wife attended church one evening, and the wife decided that it was time to stop her husband

Two cowboys come upon an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground. One of the cowboys

A middle-aged couple, with two beautiful daughters, An autopsy professor was giving an introductory

Three mates are down the pub. Bill and Joe are arguing about the amount of control they have over

David received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse

There were three men playing a round of golf, Moses, Jesus, and an old man. They get to the 18th

A photographer from a well know national magazine was assigned to cover the fires at Yellowstone

Three guys died and when St. Peter met them at the pearly gates, he said, "I know that you guys are

Tommy is a young boy, just potty trained. When he goes to the bathroom though, Tommy manages to

A man was walking along the beach and found a bottle. He looked around and didn't see anyone so

It was George the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all

Merv was in a terrible accident at work. He fell through a floor tile and ripped off both of his ears.

Two psychiatrists were at a convention. As they conversed over a drink, one asked, "What was your

A doctor, and engineer, a rabbi and a lawyer were debating who was the world's first professional. The

A man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist asked, "Yes

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss concerned about all his employees well