think

Bride: - Will you love me when we get married? Groom: - I think so: I have always been attracted to

Enough with the Poking, Lets Just Have Sex He pokes her, she pokes him, they poke each other back

One day Bill Gates finally dies and goes to Heaven. Upon reaching the pearly white gates, he sees Saint

A man was ordered by his doctor to lose 75 lbs. due to very serious health risks. As he wondered how

A man walks into a hamburger shop and orders a regular meal. Later, the waitress brings his meal to him.He

A man walks into a bank,yells at the old lady at the teller window, he needs to open a "fuckin bank account".

The man came home drunk at four in the morning, and his wife was all over him, yelling at him, crying

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy

A lawyer returns to his parked BMW to find the headlights broken and considerable damage. There's no

This one is long but well worth reading!In case your frustration level rises today, this is for everyone

At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue.While

You may not be able to party after marriage if your wife is like this one.............:)Newlyweds This

The teacher, in an attempt to stimulate their minds, asked the class the following question, " What is

Two Indians and a West Virginia Hillbilly were walking in the woods. All of a sudden, one of the Indians

A man with a 20-inch penis went to his doctor to complain that he was unable to get any women to have

One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered

An 80 year old man is having his annual checkup at his doctor's office. He says to the doctor, "I've

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.He breaks into a house to look for money and

A man decided to buy a new telescope for his rifle. He goes to a rifle shop, and asks the clerk to show

A man and his wife were working in their garden one day and the man looks over at his wife and says:"Your

An Arab has spent many days crossing the desert without finding a source of water. It gets so bad that

A little girl accidentally walks in on her father while he's getting dressed. She points to his dick

A couple who had 2 kids decided that whenever they wanted sex, they would use code words so the children

Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new home. It's fun to cook for Tim. Today I made an angel

Bob works hard and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he

Mr Samy Vellu attends a UN meeting on space exploration by 2008. He is representing the Malaysian Prime

Three guys died and went to heaven. St Paul was there looking down at the three of them, one is a reknowned

A man is out in the Chinese wilderness and he's hopelessly lost. It's been nearly three weeks since he's

A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out the camel suddenly

St. Peter is leafing through the Big Book to see if the guy is worthy of entering. After several minutes,

There was a couple who were big over-spenders. They always dreamed to spend holidays in Hawaii, but were

TO: All employeesFROM: The bossDATE: August 3, 2000RE: Foul LanguageIt has been brought to management's

Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went to breakfast

One day, siew pau and maggi mee had a big fight. Maggi mee beat siew pau up until it had bruises on its

A man and his wife check into a hotel. The husband wants to have a drink at the bar, but his wife is

A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoys sex more. The man

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, Harry,

An elderly couple were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary, so they decided to return to the little

Dirty Little Matt is sitting in the back of math class, obviously not paying any attention, when the

An Arab has spent many days crossing the desert without finding a source of water. It gets so bad that

There's a guy sitting inside a bar, just staring at his drink for about a half-hour. Then, this big truck

A married couple was watching the show, "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?" Atthe end of the show, the

Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the gate, the angel tells Ford,"Well, you've been such a good

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, then catch them

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary.As the couple reflected on

A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He has two large bags over his shoulders. The guard

One morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when she notices a strange little man at the bottom

In Scotland, the most important time for a young lad is when he "comes of age" and is allowed to purchase

Superman is flying around one day and he's feeling kinda horny. So he finds Batman sitting on top of

John had just won first prize at a cat show and had received a 10-day cruise to the Puerto Rico. The

A husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. Their passion is heating up. Then the wife stops and

There's this guy who's in the market for a used motorcycle. Always wanted a nice big hog. So he's shopping

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? Well, I hope you remember my story when they

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit

A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a bottle laying in the street. Suddenly out

Two Norwegian men were driving near Mt. Horab, a Norwegian community in Wisconsin, when they noticed

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari

Mrs. Bacciagalupe comes to visit her son Anthony

A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush

A Greek and an Italian were drinking coffee one

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night

Bill Clinton and Senator Hillary Clinton were at

I just want to call attention to the fact that

10. Wanna come play on my slip and slide? 9.

A teacher asks her class, ââ,¬Å"If there

One day, a priest decides to take a walk to the

Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed.

A firefighter is working on the engine outside

Here are the top nine comments made by sports commentators

A guy walks into a dentist's office and says, "I

A taxi pulls up to a church and picks up a nun.

A little rabbit is running happily through the

Jean Claude Van Dam, Steven Segal, and Arnold Schwarzenagger

Q: What did the left leg say to the right leg? A:

Little Johnny was in class when the teacher asked,

A blonde, a brunette, and a red head are swimming

The Lone Ranger and Tonto were camping out one

A man was walking through the forest, when he suddenly

Q: What did the saggy breast say to the other saggy

Three men, an American, an Arab, and a Chinese

A blonde and a brunette are in a bar. As they order

A Mexican walks into a bakery and asks, "Excuse

A lawyer is standing in a long line at the post

A blonde and a lawyer sit next to each other on

1. Gain weight. At least 30 pounds. 2. Stop exercising.

A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never

A man dies and goes to Heaven. When he arrives

Martin Scorscese is interviewing three action heros

A blonde, a red head, and a brunette were walking

On Irish radio there is a guy called Larry Gogan

Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front

RANDOM AND CHEAP MARTHA STEWART JOKES What is

Cindy Lou Edleman Performs Quality Sexual Favors

A jock and a geek applying for the same job. The

A man came home from work one day to find his wife

One day in the middle of the desert a man's car

After dying a grisly death in an Afghan cave, Osama

A blonde decides she wants to go ice fishing. So

Two blondes are walking down a road, one has a

A fat man is dancing at a disco, and he is approached

There was this lawyer who drove his shiny new Lexus

George and Laura Bush were on a private jet en

Hercules, Snow White and Quasimodo were sitting

You might be a redneck if you think fast food is

One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob, "If

10. When he enters a room there is a burst of purple

Angelina Jolie: I am so in love with my brother

1. If being chased through town, you can usually

* When speaking fast you can make yourself sound

This week, the Bush administration finally released

Ignoring the fact that George Bush declined Saddam

A secretary for a foreign embassy was entertaining

An old farmer went to town to see a movie. The

A priest and pastor from the local parishes are

There was a competition to cross the English channel

There once was a lowly snail, who was busily crawling

A Drunken Night A guy wakes up in a drunken stupor,

One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and

A truck driver had a 2 day lay-over during the

Little girl: "Why does your son say, 'Cluck, cluck,

What a woman says, what she really means... I

A woman and a man got into a really bad car accident.

A blond was driving along a country road, listening

Yo mama so big, every time her beeper goes off,

A husband is at home watching a football game when

A kid goes to his dad and asks, "Dad, what are

Once there were two farmers. One had a daughter

A man goes to the doctor and gets a check up. The

A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when

Dear Mr. Blix, Welcome to Iraq! It is so good

Knock, Knock Whoââ,¬â"¢s there? I know

Knock, knock Whoââ,¬â"¢s there? Sorry,

Buy me a beer if you want the story told Of why

Season's Beatings There's gotta be a better way

I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I

A guy walks into a bar and says, "I think I've

But everybody looks funny naked! You woke me

One day the Sunday school teacher asked what part

A man is sitting in a pub, when a guy with an incredibly

Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the

An old farmer went to town to see a movie. The

"There are only two reasons to sit in the back

Hearts and roses and kisses galore... What the

Why do some blondes only think about sex? Because

Little David comes home from first grade and tells

If you think no Christmas dinner is complete

A man was nervously pacing around the waiting room

Both have been called "the greatest enemy of men" Think

At a remote monastery deep in the woods, the monks

Schizophrenia: Do You Hear What I Hear? Multiple

I hate aspects of this time of year. Not for its

Robbie Williams and Elton John are walking down

Why are there no female astronauts on the moon?

Little Johnny was in class and the teacher announced

Little Johnny walks into a pharmacy and brings

Fifty Ways To Annoy Osama bin Laden If You're Invited

I think Santa Claus is a woman... I hate to be

You know you're in trouble when... 1. The McDonald's

A 12 inch pianist walks into a bar, looks at the

1. I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no

Q. How do you annoy your girlfriend during sex? A.

A guy says, "Doctor, Doctor! Help me, I keep thinking

Two guys were working at a sawmill one day when

A blonde decides to join the military thinking

A jumbo-sized freshman went to try out for the

What's grosser than gross? Ten babies in one mail

Here's what the heck they mean in the Lone Star

Bush and Cheney went hunting, killed a giant buck,

An old cowhand came riding into town on a hot,

The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions,

A young man was walking through a supermarket to

Tony Blair Interviewed by Peter Jennings Peter

One day Adam and Eve notice God standing before

Britney Spears had just bought her new car and

Bill Clinton and Senator Hillary Clinton were at

There were two old guys, Abe and Sol, sitting on

Two retired professors were vacationing with their

All quotes 100% authentic, and courtesey of George

JENNA'S PREDICAMENT Do we really wonder why Jenna

Bush happens Life is like a box of chocolates.

Are you harboring a fugitive- Hu Yu Hai Ding See

What do President Bush and President Clinton have

An Alabama man turned 18 and went to a local house

ART FART= it's such a beauty you want to immortalize

An English guy was very ill and his son went to

Tiger Woods was traveling through rural Kentucky

10) You have to explain to most foreigners that

A few clues to being a true Louisianan: 1. Your

John Rocker was on a NY subway and many people

Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar.

A hack golfer spends a day at a plush country club,

I think that I shall never see a hazard rougher

George Bush is so dumb he thinks the Joint Chiefs

Yo mamma's so retarded, she thinks "yo mama" jokes

Don't Say This to Your New Girlfriend's Parents... 1.

1. With a little effort, you could pull the bags

Fail a class? Drop one too many? Don't worry about

A woman goes to a psychiatrist and says, ''Doctor,

Two blondes are shopping at the mall. When they

A woman went to her priest with a problem. "Father,

A Fairy Tale for the Woman of the New Millennium:Once

And the Lord spoke to Noah: ''In six months I'm

If you think Bill Gates is some kind of security

A mother goes to visit her daughter. She walks

I'M GLAD I'M A MAN I'm glad I'm a man, you better

An Irishman is sitting at the end of a bar. He

Herman and his brother, Trevor live on a farm in

10) You married your cousin's brother's wife 9)

1) You've ever had to lug a paint can to the top

Q. What did saggy boob say to the other saggy

A business man is trying to find a potental wife.

Two guys are at the doctor's office, each has got

There once was this guy who was going on a date

AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18) You have an inventive

Josi frequently attends his church Bingo club,

There were these three bees trapped in a hive.

1) The president is not in his/her office at this

Two women, one from the north and one from the

Two weeks ago was my forty-fifth birthday, and

As an outside observer, what do you think of the

Two old ladies are at the movies. "Psst," says

Dear Jennifer, I have an interesting

A son walks into the living room and asks his dad

Two sisters, a blonde and a brunette, inherit the

1) Stand on top of the high board and say you won't

All good Southerners already know these, but in

Why do women fake orgasms? Because they think

There was a man who owned a giant gorilla and he'd

Three clergymen were sitting in a boat, fishing.

You know you're a redneck if you think the last

Two guys are in a bar. "Hey, I've got an idea

Two guys are sitting next to each other on an airplane. "The

A blonde dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates,

* Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit.

A blonde working in the coffin industry was thinking

A blonde's redhead decides to show her a neat way

What did the egg say to the boiling water?

A ventriloquist is sitting onstage at a comedy

One Monday morning, Grover picking up the kids

"Did you hear they are thinking of changing the

One day, President Bush visited an elementary school.

One day a miserable toothbrush sits down and says,

One morning, seventy-five year old Marvin is

Brittany was on her deathbed, with her husband

Two teenagers were walking through a park when

One day, Little Johnny's class was reviewing the

Son: Dad, I have to do a special report for school.

A young man gets sent to jail, and gets put into

A man strolls into a pharmacy and asks the assistant

When you're neckin' with yer honey And your nose

Three nuns went to a football game and three men

Three nuns decided to quit so they went to the

Dr. Schambaugh, of the University of Oklahoma School

Two Canadian guys, Mike and Rob were on the roof,

You might be a redneck if you mow your grass and

One day, a farmer decides to buy a new rooster

A blonde and a brunette were opening their paychecks

Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle

* Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell

Bob was joining the army and they were handing

Insider's Guide to the Male Vocabulary ''Haven't

A man with a fifty inch penis goes to the doctor

There was a man named Joe playing baseball on his

One day little Danny was in Sunday School, and

Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested

A small north Florida wild animal park had acquired

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were

A frog leaps out of the magical forest where he

10. Nobody cares if you act stupid. 9. You can

Show me a man that thinks baseball is the national

Once, in a small town, lived a man named Jack.

Johnny was playing outside when he really had to

A group of hikers were being led through the wilderness

A woman goes to a doctor, and says, "Doctor I want

A redneck felt sick and decided to go to the doctor.

A guy walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing

Three men were in a NASA conference room to decide

A guy just died and he's at the pearly gates,

There was a woman and her husband. They were happily

There is this third grade class with this kid named

An old farmer decided it was time to get a new

A scientist gets on a train to go to New York.

A lady walks into the local record store. "Do

One day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was

A little boy came home from school one day and

This really fat guy wanted to lose weight. He tried

This guy dies and goes to heaven. When he gets

There was a brave with no sexual experience. He

A married couple was on holiday in Pakistan. They

One fine sunny morning a man decides to go golfing.

All drivers for Red Ball Express had orders to

There were three boys all in third grade: an Asian

A man is looking in the classified ads for a job.

A man was in a bad accident and was injured. But

The Pope goes to New York. He is picked up at

Billy's homework assignment is to think of a true

A man comes home late one night, drunk. "Where

After much careful research, it has been discovered

A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box

What's the difference between a lawyer and God?

Mary can't stand Sunday school, but her brother

Two attorneys boarded a flight out of Seattle.

This guy lives in Westchester, NY and goes to

A young man wished to purchase a present for his

A farm boy who had just finished his schooling

There was this guy who always went out drinking

This guy walks into a bar and goes up to a man

A newspaper reporter went to interview an old man

There once was a man named Dave, Who kept an

A man comes home from work and sits in his recliner

Joe walks into a bar. Joe's friend, Al, sits down

This guy buys an old bottle at a yardsale. Upon

A woman goes to an ice cream parlor and asks for

One day in the city a bus driver was making his

If you throw a party, the worst thing you can do

A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver

In the realm of the Mighty King Gates who has pulled

One day a blonde is sitting on a plane next to

One day a lady walks into a pet store to buy her

A couple had been married 10 years. One afternoon,

There were these two bums and they were hungry

A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel.

Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the state fair

The world is going to end in three days, so God

A real tough guy dies and goes to hell, well he

As I stand here, and try to piss I think of the

An elderly man and woman meet in a bar and get

A certain zoo had acquired a very rare species

You might be a redneck if you think fly swatting

An Eskimo man awoke one day with the urge to go

Three guys die and end up at the gates of heaven,

This Story is true!!! For all of you who occasionally

There was a soldier that enlisted in the army to

Dear Santa: You must be surprised that I am writing

A very sick man is in the hospital, and on many

There was this man who had a dog. Every Sunday

You might be a redneck if you think “wind

So this lady goes to her doctor and explains that

A city girl was driving back to town after attending

A birch and a beech tree grow up side by side in

Q: What is your date of birth? A: July fifteenth.

Jake was watching vigilantly at his dying wife's

There was a contruction worker who was working

10. You're so tired you now answer the phone,

If you think turtleneck is an ingrediant in soup,

An English prisoner of war was held by the Germans.

Two guys die in a car accident and an angel descends

A man walks into a bar with three little ducks

Your armpits are so smelly they make speedstick

A young woman experienced car trouble late one

A 47 year-old lady gets a facelift. It turns out

There once was a lady who was tired of living alone.

You know you're a redneck if you think a seven-course

Two good ol' boys were driving down the road

So this new bar opens and the owner can't think

One night two drunks were wandering the town trying

A husband and wife were having some problems in

One day Bill complained to his friend that his

ARIES (Mar 21-Apr 19) You are the pioneer type

MEMORANDUM RE: Computer Software Warning Last

When the nurse was bathing a female patient who

(which in our society means over 25) An older

Due to a mixup on Grammy night, Madonna, Britney

Jesus and Moses went golfing. Jesus was about

A young girl and her boyfriend are driving down

Three guys are in a strip club. One guy walks over

One misty Scottish morning a man is driving through

There was an Aggie, a Longhorn, and a Bug Eater.

Ma and Pa are sitting out on the front porch one

Joe enters the confessional and tells the priest

St. Peter and God talking. God says, "St. Peter,

Once there was a farmer. He had two teenage sons.

A guy walks into a bar and he orders a whiskey.

A guy sees a classified ad that says "Will give

There was this bartender & he was working at the

On a senior citizens bus tour, while the passengers

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but

FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes

A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday.

A pretty blonde woman is driving down a country

Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the Gates,

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.

A guy walks into a bar with an alligator. It's

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. Walking

Three gay men died, and were cremated. Their lovers

There was this teacher who was teaching young kids

A boy comes home one day and runs up to his mom.

One day a Hippie gets onto a bus. He sees a beautiful

An American businessman is on a business trip

A very thirsty guy realizes that he's just walked

A guy is on a date with this girl, so he takes

10. I think of you as a brother. Translation: You

A guy's driving down a country road when he comes

Three men were on a road trip. their car broke

Horace was born with only one arm but he managed

A boy was meeting his girlfriend's parents for

One day Gary Condit's wife died and went to heaven,

Jan.10 5:00 P.M. It's starting to snow. The

Q: Why do blondes smile when there's lightning?

You might be a redneck if you think fast food is

This guy is having an affair with a married woman

A big hulking hooligan walks into a bar, slams

One day a man was planting flowers outside his

A lady goes into a bar with her goose. Then the

A blonde is working as a lifeguard at a swimming

A blonde came home from school one day and said

There was a blonde driving down the road one day.

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are crossing

Two aliens land on the earth, near L.A. They get

A man moves from Ireland to New York City, leaving

Two midgets on a bender in Vegas hire two hookers

It was the day after Thanksgiving and all thru

A blonde and a brunette are out driving, and the

A man was out of town on business. While sitting

A concerned husband goes to see the family doctor

One sunny Saturday morning, the first of a twosome

The Perfect Dump -- Every once in a while, each

A teacher was teaching her second grade class about

One day a group of husbands and wives went to a

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are on the

A blonde is walking down the street and a car pulled

* Take shopping carts for the express purpose of

After a really good party a man walks into a bar

Q: What is the difference between a brain surgeon

There was a chicken farmer who owned a talking

Two guys were walking their dogs and came across

A young man and a young woman were soon to be married,

*Stand on top of the high board and say you won't

Tarzan falls from his vine while he is swinging

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and

A group of guys are on their way to a party, but

Three bears came out of hibernation and they were

But everybody looks funny naked! You woke me

A boy was in school and the teacher asks him, ''Bobby,

About ten years ago, George Bush was visiting Mikhail

Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed.

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison.

* The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, ''What's

Once upon a time there lived a woman in Brampton

A fellow was ordered to lose 75 pounds, due to

Two gay men, Paul and Tom, were making love one

The three remaining members of Pink Floyd get in

An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup

Yo mama is so fat, she wore leather pants to a

On the night of the prom, a boy's girlfriend is

A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus

Words can't describe your outfit, so I'll just

What's the difference between a hooker, a nymphomaniac,

There was a young man whose parents beat him all

A man asked a blonde what she thought about blonde

Good girls loosen a few buttons when it's hot.

Yo mama is so bald I can see what she's thinking.

Why does a blonde smile at lightning? She

Why did the blonde think it was Sunday? Because

* We got off the Titanic first. * We can scare

A young man fell in a pit one day and found a magic

A drunk guy is telling a bartender how much he

Hallo? Is this Giganta? Giganta Crotchetta? Oh,

Two guys both have 9 a.m. appointments at a vasectomy

1) You try to enter your password on the microwave.

Three blondes were witnesses to a crime, so they

Dearest John, I went to the door today and the

A guy is about to be married, and he's thinking

1. Big Rock 2. Preston Manning 3. Tax is 7 percent

What do you call a blind dinosaur? Do-you-think-he-saur-us.

This blonde gets pulled over by a cop, who walks

A blonde co-ed is looking at a bulletin board and

In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop a beautiful

A duck walks into a pharmacy and asks for a condom.

Five surgeons were taking a coffee break and

Once upon a time there were three men lost in a

There were three blondes living together. Blonde

A guy is drinking in a bar, and the bartender asks

One night, three guys are at a bar talking and

Last 10 Things a Man Would Say: 10. I think Barry

An old man goes to his doctor and says, “I

There was a guy walking down the street when he

There is this extremely horny guy who loves to

One night, a cabbie was driving through the streets

A dog walks into a bar. He hops up on a bar stool

I'm currently running the latest version of GirlFriend

It's a beautiful day and love is in the air. Marie

A doctor at an (insane) asylum decided to take

Little Johnny was sitting in class one day, when

Two guys are in mental instituition. One guy

What's the definition of innocence? A nun working

Forrest Gump dies and goes to heaven. The gatekeeper

There were these two guys at the pub, and one guy

The FDA is considering additional warnings on beer

Betty & Tim were killed in an auto accident on

A Priest and a Rabbi are walking through the woods

A blonde lady nervously took her typewriter to

A young boy of four was going into hospital to

A dwarf and a normal woman met at a party. The

Three blonde friends were walking home from a party

A Russian couple were walking down a street in

Two 6 year old boys were attending religous school

A gorilla walks into a bar. The bartender comes

Out of Bill Clinton and George W. Bush, which one

A guy from Texas and a guy from Arkansas are driving

A football player walked into a motel on a rainy

A man comes home to find his wife packing her bags

One night a bartender was closing up his bar and

A fellow walks into a bar very down on himself.

A man visits the doctor's because he has a severe

A lady is in a confession booth. She says to the

One day while a wife was working in the kitchen,

For the first time in, oh, a decade, I think, something

Little DJ has his first day at school. His Mom

Why do blondes smile when lightening flashes?

Three mice are sitting in a bar. The first one

Dan wakes up on Monday morning, staggers into the

I know I haven't known you for a very long time,

On the day of her wedding to Prince Edward, Sophie

Yo Mama is so stupid, she thinks DNA is the National

A man walking his son in the park one day came

A guy goes over to his friend's house and knocks

A teacher decides that she is going to teach her

1. I think the parking meter is running out, I'll

A tourist has been visiting Cuba for a week. He

A young Irish lad had fallen in love with a girl

This guy comes home from work one day to find his

Did you get any under the tree? I think your

It was this little girl's first day of school and

There were three preachers: a Catholic, a Baptist,

Three little boys were looking for a summer job.

1. Your Jedi robe is a camouflage color. 2.

Two brooms were going to get married, before the

A man and his wife are stranded on a desert island.

Q: What do you call four blondes in a Volkswagen?

You lose arguments with inanimate objects. You

What goes in hard and pink, but comes out soft

There's this fellow with a parrot. And the parrot

A salesman rang the door bell and little Johnny

Jeremy and Kris are walking down the street and

An atomic bomb went off in Washington and everyone

* It can be up or down. It's more fun when it's

A couple was getting ready to go out to celebrate

To my darling wife: During the past year,

1. Your reason for not staying in touch with family

1. Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.

A Rolls Royce pulls up in front of a really expensive

There once a man who worked in a pickle factory.

All men are idiots, and I married their King.

10. You're guaranteed to get at least a little

1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or

One morning, a man approached the first tee, only

If Oracle made toasters... They'd claim their

Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit lived in the same forest,

There's a woman that has a big problem when it

There are two cows in a field. One says to the

A man and a woman were on a nude beach when a wasp

A man walks into a bar and sees a man sitting beside

A man was heading to England and his next-door

A teacher asks her class, "If there are five birds

Two guys were hiking through the jungle when they

There was a Kentucky redneck and an Ohio buckeye,

A young woman goes to church to confess her sins

This guy is takin' a leak in a public restroom

Because Dave works hard at the plant and spends

Once there were two best friends, named Fred and

A man once asked Gandhi what he thought of western

A man walks into a pub and says, "Give me three

You might be a blonde if you think a thesaurus

You might be a redneck if you think subdivision

You might be a redneck if you think the French

She is so blonde, she thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican

You might be a redneck if you think loading the

You might be a redneck if you think Dom Perignon

You might be a redneck if you think genitalia is

You might be a redneck if you think a woman who

You might be a redneck if you think the last words

Cross my heart this happened to someone. This guy

An escaped convict broke into a house and tied

40. Oh I just couldn't. Hell, she's only

"Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated." "What

A guy heard from his doctor that masturbating before

Women think they already know everything, but wait...training

    One day many years ago, a fisherman's

Two couples were playing cards.  John accidentally

Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful,

Shit is a powerful word. Just think of all the

Every day I give thanks to the Goddess: I have

Two old guys, Abe and Sol, are sitting on a park

A new guy in town walks into a bar and notices

A man who smelled like a distillery flopped down

    This is an actual job application

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock

A visiting professor at the University of Montana

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle.

A gentleman is sitting next to the Pope on an airplane.

Teacher: "Four crows are on the fence. The

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting

Ted and Julie go to bed with one another for the

There was a little boy named Johnny who used to

Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. 

A blonde is speaking to her psychiatrist. "I'm

If the government is going to put health warning

A WOMAN'S GUIDE WHAT A MAN IS REALLY SAYING WHILE

"You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women,

Members of Congress...people of America....I banged

I called a company and asked to speak to Bob.

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow.

Is your computer male or female? As you are aware,

All-Purpose Excuse Form, designed to get you out

Due to widespread panic about the Y2K bug, Internet

   As you grow older, what lost

A guy dies and goes to heaven. It's a slow day

A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment.

A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest

A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog,

    A woman walks into her accountant's

"I'm going fishing." Really means... "I'm going

A man and his wife check into a hotel. The husband

A very old couple book a honeymoon suite in a five-star

A young couple were married and they were having

After several years of serving the church in a

Aging Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly

Two cowboys are leanin' up against the rail at

After a Christmas break, a teacher asked her young

A Denton, Texas man was arrested for filing a false

A couple has returned from their honeymoon and

It seems that a young couple had just gotten married

Two Texans were having the blue plate special at

There was this couple who had been married for

The teacher says, "Today we are going to learn

Two little boys go into the grocery store. One

Three guys, a teenager, his father and his grandfather

The Atlanta School Board, feeling left out by the

1) You define summer as three months of bad

1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well-lighted

This guy is not getting along so well with his

Q: What is the dirtiest thing ever said on television?

A guy comes home from the bar drunk one night around

Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher

A couple had two little boys, ages eight and ten,

In Scotland, the most important time for a young

    William and Mildred were married

Two men drove to a gas station for a fill-up

Consumption of alcohol may make you think you

When you are dating..... Farting is never an

I did not do it in a car I did not do it

A woman and man get into a car accident. Both

A secretary for a foreign embassy was entertaining

I know I haven't known you very long and I shouldn't

In the back woods of Arkansas, Mr. Stewart's wife

    Yes, it's hard to believe, but

    DETROIT--With third-quarter

A newlywed couple just moved into their new house.

A judge asks a defendant to please stand. "You

A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagonload

    A young man just got a new job

Mr. Johnson had been retired for a year when his

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night

A lawyer lies dying, his partner of 40 years by

Ru Paul, Bill Gates, and Roger Ebert are all struck

A man and a woman who have never met before find

A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his

On Tough Jobs that Involve Letters: “It's

A guy walks into a store for some last-minute Christmas

    Every night after dinner, Merle

A poor minister was having trouble managing his

A young Bulgarian peasant girl of fourteen went

Why did the chicken cross the road? KINDERGARTEN

Those who have it would be devastated if it

Remember the book "Men are from Mars, Women are

There has been a recent discovery among archives

This is a true story from the WordPerfect helpline.

"Yes" = No "No" = Yes "Maybe"

On the day of the Royal Wedding, Sofia was getting

1. In the company of females, intercourse

A woman went to her priest with a problem. "Father,

A young female teacher was giving an assignment

Jack tells his doctor how he can no longer sustain

John invited his mother over for dinner. During

A waitress walks up to one of her tables in a New

Little Johnny was in church with him mom for Sunday

From an article in the Wall Street Journal, about

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out

A married couple was in a terrible accident where

1. Cover your stump before you hump. 2. Before

Two boys are playing football in Central Park when

One day at the end of class, little Johnny's teacher

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend,

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's

December 14, 1972 My dearest darling John:

Monica's Diary Entry 1 Dear Diary, I'm so excited!

One day, Jeffrey complained to his friend, "My

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows the rancher says to Amy, "The artificial-insemination

Bubbles and Barbie, two blonde sisters had promised their Uncle, who had been a seafaring gentleman

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady

Two lawyers, Bob and Bill, were having a heated exchange during a trial. The judge asked both lawyers

1. Wear your glasses. Make sure your partner is actually in the bed. 2. Set timer for 3 minutes,

Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: 'Hi, how are you?' I'm

1. Men are NOT mind readers. 2. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put

I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it. I work hard because millions on welfare

Somewhere in the deep South, Bubba called an attorney and asked, "Is it true they're suing the cigarette

You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and

Next time you have a bad day at work...think of this guy: Rob is a commercial saturation diver for

A drunk man who smelled like booze sat down on a bench next to a priest. The man's tie was stained,

1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out. 2. Age is a very high price to pay for

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said,

With apologies to Jeff Foxworthy, US troops in Afghanistan prove they've retained their sense

Four United States Presidents get caught up in a tornado.... and off they whirled to the land

1. Teaching Math In 1950s A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production

A man returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport after midnight,

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul

Two bees met in a field. One said to the other, "How are things going?" "Really bad," said the second

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator? The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator,

Never buy a 'new' brand of beer because 'it was on sale.' If we're in the backyard and the TV in

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6 year old.

A husband and wife were sitting around one day drinking a bottle of wine. The husband turns to his

Closer Than You Think! An unemployed man goes to apply for a job with Microsoft as a janitor. The

In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest

That's a bit expensive just for a dare isn't it? I saw a dress just like that one in Woolworths

A guy had been feeling down for so long that he finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist.

A minister concluded that his church was getting into serious financial troubles. Coincidentally,

A young woman was having a physical examination and was embarrassed because of a weight problem. As

INFORMATION YOU NEED TO HELP YOU CHOOSE YOUR NEXT HEALTH PLAN .. Q. What does HMO stand for? A.

There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table

"I'M GOING FISHING" Means: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream

A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older

A World War II pilot is reminiscing before school children about his flying days during the war.

A man took his old duck to the Doctor, concerned because the duck wouldn't eat. The Doctor explained

A man walks into a Doctors office and puts a note on the table in front of the Doctor. The note says:

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns

A young boy goes to the zoo with his father. As they are passing the elephant exhibit the youngster

Customer: Hi. How much is your paint? Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things. Customer:

I believe in having sex on the first date. At my age, there may not be a second date. Senior Campbell's

Teaching Math in 1950: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of

A lady is throwing a party for her granddaughter, and had gone all out..... a caterer, band, and a

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." Winston Churchill "A modest

Yesterday I went to the doctor for my yearly physical. My blood pressure was high, my cholesterol

1. What are you thinking about? 2. Do you love me? 3. Do I look fat in this? 4. Do you think

The following is an exchange of correspondence between a customer and the Irish Railway Company: Larnrod

A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?" Mom replies,

The Best and Worst Comments Received: "Text is useless. I use it to kill roaches in my room."

1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't. 2..

Have You Ever Been Guilty Of Looking At Others Your Own Age And Thinking, "surely I Can't Look

Me: Hello. AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T. Me: Is this AT&T? AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T. Me: This is

A couple of rednecks went on vacation in Colorado. They flew to Denver and rented a car to sight see.

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar. Woods turns to Wonder and says: How is the singing career

A man and his wife were working in their garden 1 day and the man looks over at his wife and says

A Blonde Texan city girl, marries a Texas rancher. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows

A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year old bride who is pregnant

1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow. 2. Money will buy a fine

Prior to our wedding, David and I met with the minister to discuss our marriage ceremony and various

A Japanese company ( Toyota ) and an American company (General Motors decided to have a canoe race

TWO DUCK HUNTERS FROM WISCONSIN: ABSOLUTELY A TRUE STORY HEARD ON A WISCONSIN RADIO STATION REPORTING

At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue. While

---My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be. ---

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.'

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the

A cowboy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar. But decides, what the heck,"

Three women were sitting around talking about their sex lives. The first said, "I think my husband's

A priest was preparing a man for his long journey into the night. Whispering firmly, the priest

I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to

An eighty year old man was having an annual physical. As the doctor was listening to his heart with

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting

The latest poll taken by the office of the Governor of Texas asked whether people who live in Texas

TO: MR. JAMES THATCHER, BRAND MANAGER, PROCTER & GAMBLE. Dear Mr. Thatcher, I have been a loyal

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. Garden

A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if

A husband and wife came for counselling after 25 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was,

A young boy had just gotten his driver's license and inquired of his father if they could discuss his

Bubba went to a psychiatrist. "I've got problems. Everytime I go to bed I think there's somebody under

What, you ask, is "Butt dust?" Read on and you'll discover the joy in it! These have to be original

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died,

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal

A couple had only been married for two weeks and the husband, although very much in love, couldn't

There was a fly buzzing around a barn one day when he happened on a pile of fresh cow manure. Due to

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's

1) This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6) 2) Oysters' balls are

A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at a

A newlywed couple returned to their apartment after being on their honeymoon. "Care to go upstairs

A dog thinks, "Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house,

your breasts must think i'm good lookin cause they keep lookin at me. Hey baby, you keep running

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a

Golf balls are like eggs. They're white, they're sold by the dozen, and every week you have to buy more. A

A pretty blonde woman is driving down a country road in her new sports car when something goes wrong

To all Employees: It has been brought to Management's attention that some individuals throughout

As You May Already Know, It Is A Sin For A Taliban Male To See Any Woman Other Than His Wife Naked

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by kids) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff.

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his

Down south, Bubba called his attorney and asked, "Is it true they's suin' them cigarette companies

A little town in southern Illinois had a sensational birth rate, and scientists decided to visit the

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. He

A 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband, decided that

A guy was invited to an old friends' home for dinner. His buddy preceded every request to his

Last month, National University of Lesotho scientists released the results of a recent analysis that

A man took his old duck to the Doctor, concerned because the duck wouldn't eat. The Doctor

There were two old men sitting on a park bench passing the day away talking. One old man asked the

The only cow in a small town in Arkansas stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found

Last summer John met a woman while on vacation and fell head over heels in love with her. On the last

"Are you religious? Because I could be the answer to your prayers." "Is there an airport nearby

After getting all of The Pope's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, and

After working for years, a hooker finally retired and, being afraid of spending the rest of her life

I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy."

John works hard and spends two nights each week bowling and plays golf every Saturday. His wife

Mike Tyson gets out of jail and proceeds to do what he does best... find a woman with whom he may

Deep in the back woods, of Letcher County Kentucky a hillbilly's wife went into labor in the middle

A very disheveled, unattractive, profoundly obese, smelly, mean acting, nasty in EVERY sense of the

Before the 2001 inauguration of George Bush, he was invited to a get-acquainted tour of the White

The Internal Revenue sends their auditor (a nasty little man named Shea) to audit a synagogue. The

They met at the singles club meeting and discovered over time that they enjoyed each other's company. After

It's out! Brand new edition of... "You know you're A redneck when......" 1. You take your dog for

Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his

A mother and her very young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The little

A man called home to his wife and said, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my

This preacher was looking for a good used lawnmower one day. He found one at a yard sale that Little

A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie. The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes. The

Here's a prime example of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus" offered by an English professor

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.

One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on an exotic parrot. He really wanted this

According to the FBI, most modern-day bank robberies are "unsophisticated and unprofessional crimes,"

Two guys from Blount County are sittin' in a boat on Douglas Lake fishing and suckin' down beer when

A man was driving down a quiet country lane when out into the road strayed a rooster. Whack! The rooster

She was in the kitchen doing the boiled eggs for breakfast. He walks in. She says, "You've got

Mrs. Ogden went to her doctor and said "Please give me a prescription for the Pill." "I don't think

Little Johnny had a cussing problem and his father was getting tired of it. He decided to ask his

A young boy had just gotten his driver's permit and enquired of his father, if they could discuss

We've all had the annoying experience of calling up a hotline and waiting on the phone for eons to

The 87 year old said; "Well, I eat Italian bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll

A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job. The officer wants to ask her a few questions.... Officer:

I don't understand. After the last child was born, she told me we had to cut back on expenses, I had

FEMALE POEM I want a man who's handsome, smart and strong One who loves to listen long. One who

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking and one blonde says to the other, "Which

An ugly woman walks into a shop with her two kids. The shopkeeper asks "Are they twins"? The

Dear Dogs and Cats, The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated

An older couple had a son, who was still living with them. The parents were a little worried, as the

A man took his old duck to the Doctor, concerned because the duck wouldn't eat. The Doctor explained

In case you have been waiting breathlessly for this year's Darwin Awards, here they are. The awards

Love- When your eyes meet across a crowded room. Lust- When your tongues meet across a crowded room. Marriage-

A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block? Mom replies,

I think that 'Clueless' was very deep. I think it was deep in the way that it was very light. I think

When a woman wears leather clothing: A man's heart beats quicker, and his throat gets dry, and

1. Gain weight. At least 30 pounds. 2. Stop exercising. Waste of time. 3. Read less. Makes you

Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring another bull onto the ranch,

One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches

A 90-year old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better... I have an 18-year old bride who is

It was last Wednesday night, and I was sitting in my room watching television when the phone rang. "Hello?" A

10. Every Tuesday he insists it's his turn to be the siren. 9. He is starting to develop a crush

A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event, hosted by a local liberal arts college.

Shortly thereafter Jesse Jackson went to a Sears and started raising all kinds of hell in the appliance

The coach had put together the perfect team for the New Orleans Saints. The only thing missing was

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage

A young fellow at the state fair stood watching an old Indian. Above the old Indian was a sign that

10. Guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack. 9. If you get tired, wait 10 minutes

Concerned about her relationship, a woman approaches her doctor and says "Doc, I'm getting married

Hello, my name is William and I suffer from guilt for not forwarding 50 billion fucking chain letters

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead show up for the same job interview. The brunette is the first

Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says "Where in the hell have you been?" He

Wife: Oh, come on. Husband: Leave me alone! Wife: It won't take long. Husband: I won't be

Teaching Math in 1950: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5

Here in Kentucky, you don't see too many people hang-gliding. Bubba decided to save up and get a hang-glider.

- Your sister's a real knock-out. Is one of you adopted? - For the longest time I lived with a

Customer: Hi. How much is your paint? Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things. Customer:

A couple in their nineties are BOTH having problems remembering things. They decide to go to the doctor

A gas station in Mississippi was trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a sign saying, "Free

Two Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods. All of a sudden one of the Indians ran

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God... "Lord, I have a problem!" "What's the

Two fellows from Alabama were sitting around talking one afternoon. After a while the first fellow

Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton and Al Gore were in an airplane that crashed. They're up in heaven, and

Little Tommy was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything; tutors, flash cards,

NUDITY I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible

1. Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found 2. hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works

MIDDLETOWN, Ohio (AP) - The city's tax superintendent has been suspended without pay for a week for

A young doctor had moved out to a small rural community to replace the retiring country doctor. The

A redhead, a brunette and a blonde were lunching together, discussing what they thought the worlds

* Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong. * Keep skunks and bankers and

A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds, and he entered a patient's room to find

Commandment 1. Marriages are made in heaven. But so again are thunder and lightning. Commandment

1. "Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife." 2. "I've always wanted

This happened about a month ago just outside a little town in the bayou country of Louisiana, and

A young guy from Missouri moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything-under-one-roof" department

One day a teacher was teaching religion, when she asked the class "What part of your body do you think

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. 2. One tequila, two tequila, three

I would not say that the future is necessarily less predictable than the past. I think the past was

The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions.

An old couple is having breakfast when the old woman says to her husband, "Just think, honey, we've

A man in the Florida supermarket tries to buy half a head of lettuce. The very young produce assistant

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside.

THE WIT AND THE WISDOM OF HOMER J.SIMPSON "Now son, you don't want to drink beer. That''s for Daddys,

Old Farmer Went To Town To See A Movie The Ticket Agent Asked, "sir, What's That On Your Shoulder?"

Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle.

Sitting on the edge of the highway waiting to catch speeders, a state police officer saw a car driving

A man went to a psychiatrist for his phobia. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back,

1.) Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. 2.) If

If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise. - Unknown Some days you're the dog; some

A man was sitting on a beach. He had no arms and no legs. Three women, a blonde, a brunette and

Note: Sometimes a story comes along that needs no polishing or enhancement to make it better.

A minister concluded that his church was getting into serious financial troubles. While checking the

A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair

Think a gallon of gas is expensive? This makes one think, and also puts things in perspective. Diet

A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem

This is an actual job application that a 17 year old boy submitted to McDonald's in Florida... and

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true? A: Your heart is only

A man drives his date up to lovers lane and parks. "I have to be honest with you" the woman says as

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly the sky clouded above his head

A young Technician and his General Manager board a train headed through the mountains on its way to

Dear Tech Support: Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the

This married couple was sitting in a fine restaurant when the wife looks over at a nearby table and

Three little boys were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to play with them. They decided

Who said men don't remember anniversaries? A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband

1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out. 2. Age is a very high price to pay for

Bubba Joe's first military assignment was to a military induction center, and--because he was a good

Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption,

Any woman can have the body of a 21-year-old, as long as she buys him a few drinks first. My memory's

John and his wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full length mirror

You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were

One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of

A gentleman was just out of surgery for a appendicitus. His wife sat calmly beside him holding his

Written by Phil Maggitti Going to War with the Army that We Want. WASHINGTON, D.C. - President

*Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal. *I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. *WANTED:

* Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot. * Learn from your parents' mistakes

I think Santa Claus is a woman .... I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's

SCHIZOPHRENIA: Do you Hear What I Hear? MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER: We Three Kings Disoriented

She married and had 11 children. Her husband died. She married again and had 7 more children. Again,

George Carlin Speaks Out... I Am Your Worst Nightmare. I am a BAD American. I am George Carlin. I

Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, and Al Gore were in an airplane that crashed. They're up in heaven,

Amy, a blonde city girl, marries a farmer. One morning, on his way out to the fields, the farmer says

Some of us Southerners are pretty skeptical of horoscopes and the people that read them. If we are

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured

Female Prayer: Before I lay me down to sleep , I pray for a man, who's not a creep, One who's

"Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine." "I love cats...they taste just like chicken" "Out

"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand." Woody

Accountant - Someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing. Auditor - Someone

Thought you might enjoy this message I received from one of my more politically oriented friends.....

15. "Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby." 14. "I sure hope your

Ralph returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of sh*t . 2. I don't know what your

Two blondes living in Texas were sitting on a bench talking........and the one blonde says to the

1. Jesse Jackson, Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called "Ministers

You live in Arizona when.. 1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade. 2. You

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck,

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.

One day, a shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same

When the wise company president learned that his employees were tanking up on no-trace vodka martinis

It was Saturday night and the preacher still hadn't been able to think of a sermon for the next morning.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the finance committee refuses to provide funds for the

A man is in a bar and has one too many drinks. This beautiful lady sits down next to him. He turns

An elderly man went to his doctor and said, "Doc, I think I'm getting senile. Several times lately,

A teacher asks her class, ''If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how

Who says cops don't have a sense of humor? The following were taken off of actual police car videos

I'm worried that I'm losing my wife's love," the husband told the counselor. "Has she started to

How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened when she brings it. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Why

A man decides to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the

The story behind the letter below is that there is this nutball in Newport, Rhode Island named Scott

A woman was on the witness stand, accused of poisoning her husband. "After you put poison in the

Here's why . According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were kids in the 40's,

After his death, Osama bin Laden went to heaven. There he was greeted by George Washington, who

A cop stops a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. Since he's in a good mood that

George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to hell where the devil is waiting for him. "I

This year, I resolve to ... 1. Gain weight. At least 30 pounds. 2. Stop exercising. Waste of time. 3.

Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad. Canadians: Are rather indignant about

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been

A lawyer is sitting in a bar having a drink when a beautiful women sits down next to him. The lawyer

There were three boys all in third grade: an Asian boy, a Spanish boy and a redneck. They were trying

Jesus loves you...but everyone else thinks you are an ass. Impotence...Nature's way of saying

A young Catholic man goes to confession and says, "Father, it has been one month since my last confession.

RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE WITH THE FOLLOWING QUALIFICATIONS: 1. WON'T

Two 90 yr. old men decided to go to there local whore house one more time before it was to late. They

Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a cow born in Canada

A white-haired old man walked into a jewelry store on a Friday, with a beautiful young lady at his

A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in

25. Come up with 50 new shades of gray for Martha Stewart Paints. 24. Start marketing new "Martha

He, who laughs last, thinks slowest. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film. A

In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the back of

The day finally arrived; Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St.

Two robins were sitting in a tree. "I'm really hungry," said the first one. "Let's fly down and

Scenario: You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a

One day an Irishman, who has been stranded on a desert island for over ten long years, sees an unusual

Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday and I wasn't feeling too good that morning. I went to breakfast

A nun, really needing to go to the bathroom, walked into a neighborhood pub. The place was hopping

A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year-old bride who is

1. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever! Unless you actually

FINE This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to

Some of us Southerners are pretty skeptical of horoscopes and the people that read them. If we are

Down South, Bubba called his attorney and asked, "Is it true they're suing the cigarette companies

I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your bed rock. I can't find my puppy, can you

A guy walks into a bar ... once inside, he realizes it's a gay bar, but he decides, "What the heck,

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful (and intelligent) pet dachshund

A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play.

An office manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through

Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two prostitutes and take them to their separate hotel

It was this little girl's first day of school and the teacher asked her what her name was and she

A guy walks into a bar. He sits down at the end of the bar, next to another guy, who was the only

Here are some observations about the politicians who run our country. They are from a Washington, D.C.travel

A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party. He doesn't know what costume to wear

A man worked in a post office. His job was to process all mail that had illegible addresses. One

If you recall the old Hollywood Squares show, this will bring a tear to your eyes. They are worth

Russian couple were walking down the street in Moscow one night, when the man felt a drop hit his

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor

Students in an advanced biology class were taking a mid-term. The last question, worth 70 points or

Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room. Donald wanted to have

This is a test for men only and all "real men" will answer "C" to all of these questions. However,

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter,

Johnny and his wife went to the State Fair every year. Every year Johnny would say, "I'd like to ride

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Rick the computer guy, to come over. Rick clicked

1. "I can't find it." MEANS: It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I am completely clueless.

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. 2. If

A man was traveling north to Alberta. He needed to use the bathroom and so at a rest stop he goes into

- You only know three spices - salt, pepper and ketchup. - You design your Halloween costume to

One evening a father overheard his son saying his prayers "God bless Mommy, Daddy and Grammy. Goodbye

Two 90-year-olds had been dating for some time, when the man told the woman, "I think it's time we

A Policeman was drilling 3 blondes, who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in

That's not right... Sum Ting Wong Are you harboring a fugitive?... Hu Yu Hai Ding? See me

A little old couple walked slowly into a McDonalds one cold winter evening. They looked out of place

ABBOT: Ultimate Super Duper Computer Store. Can I help you? COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up

You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop, and you see

What do you expect from such simple creatures!? Their last name stays put. The garage is all

There was this Asian lady married to an English gentleman and they lived in London. The poor lady

The Nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one Sunday morning and she asked the question,

18. If you can't feed 'em, don't breed 'em!" 17. Jesus loves you...but everyone else thinks

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his

Two elderly gentlemen, who had been without sex for several years, decided they needed to visit a

CLASSIC VERSION: The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house

A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband. Now he had been slipping in and

This 80 year old woman thought she had the crabs, so she goes to the doctor. "Doctor I think I

I took some friends out to dinner last week, and I noticed a spoon in the shirt pocket of our waiter

Dear Diary: Day 1 Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When

Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what

My Mother taught me LOGIC..."If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can't go to the store

A man and his wife were driving through country on his way from New York to California. Looking

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetie for Valentine's Day. As they had not been

Little Johnny comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad,

A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse. The horse's trainer meets him

1. It's an incentive to show up. 2. It reduces stress. 3. It leads to more honest communications. 4.

A man and a beautiful woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress (taking another

Two old pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane by going back to the place where they first

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a

The husband didn't want to play in the "Couples Alternate Shot Tournament" at the club, but he reluctantly

Where does an Irish family go on vacation? A different bar. Did you hear about the Chinese couple

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife

Boudreaux went into the fish market to apply for a job. The boss thought to himself - I'm not hiring

A young preacher was contacted by the local funeral director to hold a grave-side committal service

According to the Knight Rider News Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the US Department

10. Golfer: Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake! Caddy: Think you can keep your head down

God and Adam are talking in the Garden of Eden one day and God asks "How are you doing?" Adam replies

A chief and an admiral were sitting in the barber shop. They were both just getting finished with

A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His camel dies of thirst. He's crawling

When Peters learned that he was being fired, he went to see the head of human resources. "Since I've

A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little boy next door

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on. The first surgeon says,

An old Indian chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a ceremonial pipe and eyeing two US

A girl was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know. One day, the police raided a whole

As a concierge at a posh resort, I was often asked about the ski facilities. One day a couple who

One day, Mom was cleaning junior's room, and in the closet she found a bondage S+M magazine. This

OK, I'm the only female in a house full of guys. 4 sons and a hubby. Toilet seat is never down...etc. SOOOOoooooooooo

A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid

A few years ago, the Sierra Club and the U.S. Forest Service were presenting an alternative to Wyoming

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few

A man returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours

After dying in a car crash, three friends go to Heaven for orientation. They are all asked the same

A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next to a priest. The drunk's

A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a department store and asks, "W-w-w-where's

This lady is giving a party for her granddaughter, and has gone all out. She had a caterer, band,

A DOCTOR at an asylum decided to take his inmates to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached

Three doctors were driving together to the hospital when they had an accident and all three died.

A drunk staggers into a bar demanding a beer. The bartender informed him that he was not allowed

For a computer programming class, I sat directly across from someone, and our computers were facing

A preacher was telling his congregation that anything they could think of, old or new, was discussed

"Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated." "What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement.

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry midterm. The answer

A young fellow at the state fair stood watching an old Indian. Above the old Indian was a sign that

The ambassador of a small African nation chanced to visit Russia, and was entertained by his opposite

Little Johnny sees that his friend at school has a new watch so he asks him how he got it. "I

So, the tyrannical sergeant major is called to the Colonel's office: "Smith's mother has just died

A policeman cruising past a bar after closing time notices two motor bikes still parked out front.

One afternoon while doing some work in the garden I noticed my dog dragging something under the fence.

A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds, and he entered a patient's room to find

It's just too hot to wear clothes today," complained a man to his wife as he stepped out of the shower.

A blonde was listening to Two men at a party talking about the recent space program. not wanting to

When Uncle Charlie died of old age, Bill was bequeathed his uncle's prized Amazon parrot. This parrot

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. --Henny Youngman The best way

This woman goes to a pet store to purchase some dog food. She puts the bag of food up on the counter

Bob and his three golf buddies were out playing and were just starting on the back nine when Bob paused,

A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a 1999 Ferrari GTO. It is also most expensive

..she sent me a fax with a stamp on it ...she thought a quarterback was a refund ...she tried to

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. 2. Learn to work the toilet seat; if

A woman walks into a tattoo parlour. 'Do you do custom work?' she asks the artist. 'Why of course!' 'Good.

A man and his wife were working in their garden one day and the man looks over at his wife and says:

A blonde who's down on her luck is walking through a luxurious neighbourhood looking for odd jobs to

A mother and her son were flying "Southwest Airlines" from Kansas to Chicago. The son (who had been

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day,

One day a nice young couple were on their way to the Justice of the Peace to get married. They had

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady

A pregnant Irish woman from Dublin is involved in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep

There were two old guys, Abe and Sol, sitting on a bench in a park feeding pigeons and talking

A Boston fan, a Yankees fan, and Pamela Anderson are sitting together in a train. The train enters

*Juan the Smuggler* Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He has two large bags

Two blondes decide to go duck hunting. Neither one of them has ever been duck hunting before and

Dan Quayle, Newt Gingrich and President Clinton all get caught up in a tornado and finally land

A man walks into a bar and orders a 12-year-old scotch. The bartender, believing that the customer

A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at

A guy goes over to his friends house, rings the bell. The wife answers the door. "Hi, is Tony

A man was called in for an audit by the IRS. So he asked his accountant for advice on what to wear.

A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,HONEY, COULD YOU FIX

A philosopher went into a closet for ten years to contemplate the question, What is life? When he came

A streetwalker was visiting her doctor for a regular check-up. "Any specific problems you should

A gorgeous young woman gets into a taxi one day. On the way, the cabby asks her, "Hey baby, would

A man came home from work one day to find his wife sitting on the front porch with her bags packed.

A man and his wife were doing yard work. The husband said to his wife, "Gee, honey, your butt is

A blonde and a redhead were watching the 6:00 news when a story came up about a man who was threatening

A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills

A man tells a doctor, "I think my wife's going deaf. What can I do?" The doctor says, "Well, try

One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on a parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he

Through the center of Czechoslovakia there's a train speeding along. In one compartment of the train

The teacher was telling her students in the sex education class about human anatomy. She took her pointer

A policeman cruising past a pub after closing time notices two motor bikes still parked out the front.

A man with a nagging secret couldn't keep it any longer. In the confessional he admitted that for years

A fellow comes to confession. "Father," he said, "forgive me for I have sinned." The priest asked,

With no warning and clear out of the blue, a husband said to his wife, "Honey, I have invited a friend

This an interactive joke, so have a piece of paper and pen handy. A blonde woman walks into an auto

Prince Charles finds an ancient wine bottle in the cellar of Windsor Castle. When he opens it a genie

A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine-year-old son

Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, dies and goes to heaven. At the gates,

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls

A travelling ventriloquist on the road in between jobs decided to practice his craft before his next

On little Larry's first day of first grade, he raised his hand as soon as the teacher came into the

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices

A drill sergeant was known to be brusque with his men. His lieutenant warned him to try to be more

A blind man and his guide dog enter a bar and find their way to a barstool. After ordering a drink

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

A young lady whom thought she was overweight went to see a dietician. She walked into his office and

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me

A man died in a horrible fire. The mortician thought it was George, but the body was so badly burned

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at

There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. The brunette looked

A guy went to visit a friend at the hospital. His friend was all busted up and in several casts. After

There was this guy and he was driving along until he got a flat. He spotted a near-by farm and decided

A family is driving in their car on a holiday. A frog crosses the road and the husband, who is driving,

One day the Pope is coming to America in his Limo and he said to the driver, "Why don't you let me

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day,

Two Martians land in the middle of the night in a closed gas station. They get out of their space ship.

Three nurses went to heaven, and were awaiting their turn with St. Peter to plead their case to enter

All the good knights were leaving for the Crusades. One knight told his best friend - "My bride

In the back woods of Kentucky, the redneck's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the

There was a preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance that he could get, he could be found on the

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center where he was to advise new recruits about their government

A young man at his first job as a waiter in a diner has a large trucker sit down at the counter and

A few housewives were sitting around the table talking, and the subject turned to their husbands. One

A woman wanted a pet so she went to the local pet shop. She looked at the dogs and the cats but finally

Two unemployed guys are talking. One says, "I'm going to become a lion tamer." The other replies, "That's

Three business men were sitting in a bar, drinking and discussing how stupid their wives were. The

Five doctors went duck hunting one day. Included in the group were a GP, a pediatrician, a psychiatrist,

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny,

Aging Mildred was a 93 year old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her

A woman's husband was cheating on her. The woman and her husband got a divorce and the woman went on

A mafia Don was golfing with two golf associates: a deaf man and his interpreter lawyer. Since the

A man and his wife check into a hotel. The husband wants to have a drink at the bar, but his wife is

A woman took her dog to the vet. She said, "I think my dog is dead". The doctor laid the dog on the

"The thrill is gone from my marriage," Bill told his friend Doug. "Why not add some intrigue to

A man decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at

A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she cut off a truck driver.

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained,

Little DJ has his first day at school. His Mom was real worried, and when she picked him up from school

There are some children in a class naming animals and they come across a picture of a deer. So the

A couple goes out to dinner to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. On the way home, she notices

A blonde woman competed with a brunette woman and a redheaded woman in the Breast Stroke division of

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the

A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her 6th grade class one day. It was a large assignment

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident. Both of their cars are totally demolished but

Every night after dinner, Merle took off for the local watering hole. He would spend the whole evening

Back in the old Wild West, there were two blond cowpokes, Jeff and Dave. One day, the two were enjoying

On this morning a woman and her baby were taking a bus. As she entered the bus the driver says "Wow

A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $ 5,000 and feels really good about the

"I can let you have this top-of-the-line stereo for nine hundred dollars, minus six percent for cash,"

For weeks a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, and as they had not been dating

A priest and a nun are on their way back home from a trip when their car breaks down. They are unable

A guy goes over to his friend's house, rings the bell, and the wife answers. "Hi, is Tony home?"

A man was taking his wife, who was pregnant with twins, to the hospital when his car went out of control

A guy is stranded on an island with only a Doberman and a pig for company. There's plenty of food

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for all the major status figures in Rome, Italy.

A blonde and a brunette are running a ranch together in Louisiana. They decide they need a bull to

It seems a young farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn. The farmer who lived nearby

The old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The local sheriff watched from his

A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he wants to buy a pet that can do everything. The

A young woman brings home her fiancee to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father

David received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse

A woman is taking a bath (naked, of course) when suddenly she hears a knock at the door. "Can

There was once a magic mirror in a ladies room in a bar. If one stood in front of this mirror and tells

A man was walking along the beach and found a bottle. He looked around and didn't see anyone so

Costello: Hey, Abbott! Abbot: Yes, Lou? Costello: I just got my first computer. Abbot:

so michael jackson is on his private plane...and he's in the back with a bunch of little boys. So