those

A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write

Enough with the Poking, Lets Just Have Sex He pokes her, she pokes him, they poke each other back

There was a huge nut tree by the cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and

Granddad pulls out a beer and the little boy says, "Grandpa, can I have one of those?"Grandpa says "Is

You may not be able to party after marriage if your wife is like this one.............:)Newlyweds This

Two Indians and a West Virginia Hillbilly were walking in the woods. All of a sudden, one of the Indians

I stopped at a fast food restaurant recently. I was fascinated by a sign which offered fat free french

A big-rig operator stopped to pick up a female hitchhiker wearing REALLY short shorts."Say, what's your

A typical macho man married a typical good-looking lady.After the wedding, he laid down the following

A woman could never get her husband to do anything around the house. He would come home from work, sit

One day, after striking gold in Alaska, a Lonesome miner came down from the mountains and walked into

At a seminar called "Stress and Disease" by Dr. Nickolas Hall, an expert in psychobiology, gave an example

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts

Once upon a time there were three little pigs.

A driver was pulled over by a police officer for

A taxi pulls up to a church and picks up a nun.

Little Johnny and his grandfather have gone fishing.

Three boys were sitting on some steps watching

Little Johnny was in class when the teacher asked,

A woman wakes up one morning and open the blinds.

A tribal leader finds that his wife has had a white

A man walks into a bar and orders shots for the

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender if

Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving

RANDOM AND CHEAP MARTHA STEWART JOKES What is

FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS, CLASS OF 2003! First of all

What do Saddam Hussien and General Custer have

An airline's passenger cabin was being served by

A brunette, a red-head and a blonde were in jail

* When speaking fast you can make yourself sound

Ignoring the fact that George Bush declined Saddam

Two gorgeous blonde biologists were in the field

There was a competition to cross the English channel

A truck driver had a 2 day lay-over during the

10. You look like a hooker I knew in Phoenix. 9.

1. Britney Spears & Eminem Who, combined, have

Dear Mr. Blix, Welcome to Iraq! It is so good

I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I

There was this woman see, and she takes a lover

But everybody looks funny naked! You woke me

A man goes to a restaurant, orders some takeout,

One night a man decides to visit his local bar.

A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview

A highway patrol officer was driving up a mountain

Men can't pack a bag. Men wouldn't be caught dead

I hate aspects of this time of year. Not for its

Robbie Williams and Elton John are walking down

1. My fellow Americans, I have taken much into

What do Osama bin Laden and Custer have in common?

Do you know how we can get Osama bin Laden? Lace

"Where did you get those zacklies?" "Zacklies?" "Yeah,

I think Santa Claus is a woman... I hate to be

1) Pretend to be one of the Bush family. Doesn't

(tip: don't try these if you're not willing to

He meets Satan, who says, "You are supposed to

President George W. Bush was getting angry about

A boy goes to the drugstore with his dad and sees

Where do the characters go when I use my backspace

The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions,

Britney Spears and Christina Aguliera were building

Way back in '97 I wondered why those bands like

A woman was visiting an Indian reservation one

On her way to Grandma's house, Little Red Riding

Whether the cause is a previous night of drinking

Tiger Woods was traveling through rural Kentucky

A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and

In order to assure the highest levels of quality

Don't Say This to Your New Girlfriend's Parents... 1.

OBJECTIVE To sit in a cubicle and stare at a monitor

This guy was having a problem with mice in his

A woman went to her priest with a problem. "Father,

Why does the Easter Bunny hide all those eggs?

Late one Friday in Dublin, a policeman spotted

The preacher stood before the congregation. ''Brothers

What did the man say to the toothpaste model after

One day Jesus wanted to test his disciples. So

A traveling salesman approached an old farmhouse

Confucious say, ''There are three kinds of people

A girl was going on her first date and her grandmother

All good Southerners already know these, but in

A guy walks into a store and buys six jumbo boxes

A new contract for Santa has finally been negotiated.

One day, a farmer decides to buy a new rooster

A guy walks into a bar, sits down and says to the

One day this guy goes in to the doctor's office

Albert Einstein used to go to dinners where he

A man on a plane asked the stewardess if he could

We all know those cute symbols made with keyboard

A farmer had just bought some pigs for breeding,

A group of students had a biology lab. As a part

Yo mama's so fat, she walked in the donut shop

A man is looking in the classified ads for a job.

10) Who the hell Begets anymore? 9) Memo to Adam:

In order to assure the highest levels of quality

An older single woman was shopping at the grocery

Three rabbits escape from a testing lab and find

One day there was a big lady swimming at the beach

An old farmer and his wife had a bunch of pigs,

Pete and Larry had not seen each other in many

At school one day, the teacher was trying to approach

There are three kinds of people in the world --

What if Data Ran Windows98? WORF: Captain, there

A blonde has been working in a broom factory since

One day a blonde is sitting on a plane next to

Hey baby, are those space pants? Cuz your butt

One day, three boys were walking over a bridge

The world is going to end in three days, so God

An Eskimo man awoke one day with the urge to go

A man is driving home, when is pulled over by a

Dear Santa: You must be surprised that I am writing

Why do ghosts always shake and moan? Because it's

Why did it take four hours for the blonde to make

A man walks outside to his car for work, when he

A husband and wife were having some problems in

After an overnight flight to meet my father at

A reporter heard that a farmer had animals that

A man named Jed went hunting near the border of

Three men all die on Christmas Day, and arrive

1. Even though more people live on Vancouver Island,

Two blondes are nailing in roof tiles. One of them

A Frenchman, an Englishman, an American man, and

A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive

Three blondes were taking a walk in the country

A boy goes to the drug store with his dad and sees

Sherlock Holmes and Watson were walking through

10) This doesn't look anything like you... 9)

A dying man smells his favorite oatmeal raisin

10.) ''We have a lost child at gate D-4, the bidding

There was this virgin that was going out on a date

A woman from Alabama, who knew absolutely nothing

King Arthur was about to embark on a long crusade.

* Take shopping carts for the express purpose of

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that. 2.

But everybody looks funny naked! You woke me

While cruising at 40,000 feet, the airplane shuddered

Little Johnny was in the kitchen playing with his

Two golfers meet on the same golf course, on the

1. You never run out of wheat 2. Those cool Saskatchewan

A typical macho man married typical good-looking

A man was sitting next to a very attractive woman

Man who stick face in punchbowl get punch in nose.

A reporter went up into the hills of West Virginia

A group of guys were chatting with a good-looking

A lady went to a plastic surgeon to see what he

Dearest John, I went to the door today and the

A guy is in a bar with a bunch of his friends.

This farmer has 500 hens but no rooster so he goes

A blonde went to go get her haircut wearing pair

This blonde gets pulled over by a cop, who walks

Yo mama's so fat, when she tried boarding Noah's

A young boy walks in on his mother in the bathtub.

Every day two blonde women would come out of work

There was a dentist, an electrician, a salesperson,

This is actually a true story that happened to

I had to go to the hospital the other day to get

There were three men standing at the Pearly Gates

A man visits the doctor's because he has a severe

A little boy was playing in his sandbox when the

Why did the pregnant lady cross the road? I

Back when Bill Clinton and Hillary got married

A man walking his son in the park one day came

Two rednecks are driving down the highway, drinking

* If the enemy is in range, so are you Incoming

* It can be up or down. It's more fun when it's

All men are idiots, and I married their King.

One fine day in the middle of the night, two dead

One night a man decides to visit his local bar.

A man who always plays golf sees a beautiul woman

Two guys were hiking through the jungle when they

Women in Washington D.C. were asked if they would

40. Oh I just couldn't. Hell, she's only

Every day I give thanks to the Goddess: I have

A new guy in town walks into a bar and notices

A visiting professor at the University of Montana

As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I can get

There was a little boy named Johnny who used to

We all know those cute little computer symbols

A guy dies and goes to heaven. It's a slow day

1. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

A little boy is playing with his new football and

The following letters were taken from an actual

A cowboy was passing by a ranch and decided to

A young lady was standing in front of a shoe store

Two little boys go into the grocery store. One

A guy is standing at a urinal when he notices that

    What to not say to the nice

1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well-lighted

BETTER HOLD ON TO THOSE PANTIES...THEY COULD COME

I did not do it in a car I did not do it

    Yes, it's hard to believe, but

    DETROIT--With third-quarter

You learned to swim about the same time Jaws

    A young man just got a new job

    Stupid people should have to

This old man in his eighties got up and was putting

    A herd of buffalo can only move

Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died yesterday

Those who have it would be devastated if it

Listen my children, and you shall hear Of

    'Twas the night before Christmas

A woman went to her priest with a problem. "Father,

Our Rights: The following was written by State

A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two

Dear __________________________,    

A new arrival in Hell was brought before the

A large, powerfully-built guy meets a woman at

December 14, 1972 My dearest darling John:

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady

A man walks into a bar, he sees two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. He asks the barman, "Why

Find out what those dating terms really mean ATTRACTION..... the act of associating horniness with

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "What human body part increases to ten

A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, "You have been a good cat all

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's

A society lady runs into the employment office one day and demands a maid "right now". It seems

A couple got married and, following the wedding, the husband laid down some rules. "I'll be home when

An exhausted looking blonde dragged himself in to the doctor's office. "Doctor, there are dogs

Two male friends are out golfing one Saturday afternoon. After finishing one hole, they wait for

INFORMATION YOU NEED TO HELP YOU CHOOSE YOUR NEXT HEALTH PLAN .. Q. What does HMO stand for? A.

There was a Midwestern phone company that was going to hire one team of telephone pole installers,

Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this computer virus. It

A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened Then

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon

Bad Metaphors from Stupid Student Essays (actually these are mostly similes, see Literary Terms) Her

The 70-year-old man sat down in the orthopedic surgeon's office. "You know, Doc," he said, "I've made

Once upon a time, two little boys, Sammy and Tim, were sharing a room in the hospital. As they were

TWO DUCK HUNTERS FROM WISCONSIN: ABSOLUTELY A TRUE STORY HEARD ON A WISCONSIN RADIO STATION REPORTING

(Actual letter from an Iowa resident and sent to his senator) The Honorable Tom Harkin 731 Hart

Grandma's letter; She is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes: Dear

I had checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely so I thought I'd get me one of those

A blonde's car gets a flat tire on the Interstate one day So she eases it over onto the shoulder of

Bubba went to a psychiatrist. "I've got problems. Everytime I go to bed I think there's somebody under

A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter

A couple had only been married for two weeks and the husband, although very much in love, couldn't

A young man got a license to trap furs for the winter in Alaska. After buying supplies in a local town

A woman married three times walked into a bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk that she was

Joe grew up in Jamaica, then moved away to attend college and law school. He decided to come back

1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them. 2. Having sex in a twin bed is out

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. He

A guy was invited to an old friends' home for dinner. His buddy preceded every request to his

Mid-life is when you go to the doctor and you realize you are now so old, you have to pay someone

Three men die and meet Peter at the pearly gates. "In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter

Dear Mrs. Fenton, Over the past six months, your husband, Mr. Bill Fenton has been causing quite

You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track. Logic is a systematic method

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people

During the banquet celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary, Tom was asked to give his friends a

Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help

Prior to her trip to Texas, Buffy (a New Yorker) confided to her co-workers she had three goals for

Ray shows up at the bar all out of breath so Dewey asks him what the hell is wrong with you? So

1. A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired. 2. What's the definition of a will? (It's

There was a German, an Italian and a Missouri Redneck on death row. The warden gave them a choice

For those of you who are not "fortunate" enough to live in California, here is a copy of the California

No matter what you do or where you go, you're always going to be yourself. And Panexa knows this. Your

Three explorers became lost in the jungle and wandered for days with no food and little water... One

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: 1 October 2005 RE: Christmas

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party. After several drinks, one

As a court clerk, I am well-versed in the jury-selection process. First a computer randomly selects

Save all manner of bacon grease. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let

The Mr. Right Rejection Letter Form Dear [____rejectee's name here_____], I regret to inform

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One

Arbitrator ar'-bi-tray-ter: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's. Avoidable uh-voy'-duh-buhl:

A father watched his daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent

- Your sister's a real knock-out. Is one of you adopted? - For the longest time I lived with a

Two Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods. All of a sudden one of the Indians ran

I checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely so I thought I'd get me one of those

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. "So, how is everything going?" inquired

Hillary Clinton is out jogging. she passes a young boy selling puppies. "Buy a puppy Ma'am?"

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite

January - Took her new scarf back to the store because it was too tight. February - Couldn't work

In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft;

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. 2. One tequila, two tequila, three

I would not say that the future is necessarily less predictable than the past. I think the past was

The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions.

THE WIT AND THE WISDOM OF HOMER J.SIMPSON "Now son, you don't want to drink beer. That''s for Daddys,

for All Those Men Who Say, " Why Buy The Cow When You Get The Milk For Free" Here's An Update For

Note: Sometimes a story comes along that needs no polishing or enhancement to make it better.

A day before his 15th birthday, the son of a wealthy family was asked by his father, `Well my son,

John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Georgia. After

One day a fella was driving home when he suddenly realized that it was his daughter's birthday and

* Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot. * Learn from your parents' mistakes

I think Santa Claus is a woman .... I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's

George Carlin Speaks Out... I Am Your Worst Nightmare. I am a BAD American. I am George Carlin. I

Some of us Southerners are pretty skeptical of horoscopes and the people that read them. If we are

A college student challenged a senior citizen, saying, "It is impossible for your generation to understand

The preacher's Sunday sermon was "Forgive Your Enemies." He asked how many of the congregation have

A Russian and an Newfoundland wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic Gold medal. Before the

This is how today's media would have reported the Normandy invasion to free those living under German

One night a blonde nun was praying in her room when God appeared before her. "My daughter, you have

Two guys are walking through the woods and come across this big deep hole. "Wow...that looks deep."

For those of you who are not "fortunate" enough to live in California, here is a copy of the California

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. "In honor of

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Unbeknownst to her, her 9

Who says cops don't have a sense of humor? The following were taken off of actual police car videos

How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened when she brings it. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Why

The story behind the letter below is that there is this nutball in Newport, Rhode Island named Scott

Attached is some correspondence which actually occurred between a London hotel's staff and one of

Two rednecks are driving down the highway, drinking their beer, when flashing lights from a policeman

Here's why . According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were kids in the 40's,

This year, I resolve to ... 1. Gain weight. At least 30 pounds. 2. Stop exercising. Waste of time. 3.

Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad. Canadians: Are rather indignant about

Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them. Having sex in a twin bed is out

A woman has had serious headaches for several years and has tried everything; been to several doctors

I hope that this will once again confirm that the most important information in your life won't come

He, who laughs last, thinks slowest. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film. A

Russian President Putin called President George W. Bush with an emergency. "Our largest condom factory

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. Gardening

Scenario: You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a

A Russian and an American wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic Gold Medal. Before the final

FINE This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to

Some of us Southerners are pretty skeptical of horoscopes and the people that read them. If we are

I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your bed rock. I can't find my puppy, can you

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan

Toward the end of the golf course, Dave somehow managed to hit his ball into the woods finding it

One day, after striking gold in Alaska, a lonesome miner came down from the mountains and walked into

Here are some observations about the politicians who run our country. They are from a Washington, D.C.travel

A man worked in a post office. His job was to process all mail that had illegible addresses. One

A husband and wife were traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not live forever, because

Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an

A nun was going to Chicago. She went to the airport and sat down waiting for her flight. She looked

1. "I can't find it." MEANS: It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I am completely clueless.

These are actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. Her face was a perfect oval,

On the night of their 40th anniversary the reminiscing wife finds the negligee she wore on her wedding

This is a compilation of actual Church Bulletins and Service bloopers... Our next song is "Angels

Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed

By Scott Roeben was a very wise man. But you'd never know it because he used such fancy-schmancy

CLASSIC VERSION: The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house

Today is my daughters 18th birthday......I'm so glad that this I my last....damn child support payment.

A man and his wife were driving through country on his way from New York to California. Looking

In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed because of stupidity, here are some actual

The husband didn't want to play in the "Couples Alternate Shot Tournament" at the club, but he reluctantly

A plastic surgeon invented a radical new face lift procedure and was explaining it to a prospective

What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever. What do attorneys use for birth control? Their

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to 10

A young woman who had been married for several years was growing more and more frustrated at her husband's

A vet gets a midnight phone call from a farmer. "I`ve got a very constipated cow - been like it for

A blonde named Mary decides to do something really wild. Something she hasn't done before, so she

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from pest-control company. One afternoon

OK, I'm the only female in a house full of guys. 4 sons and a hubby. Toilet seat is never down...etc. SOOOOoooooooooo

And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach and green and yellow vegetables of

A few years ago, the Sierra Club and the U.S. Forest Service were presenting an alternative to Wyoming

A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5 year old son playing with his new electric train

Ben was working at the lumberyard one day, pushing a tree through the saw, when he accidentally cut

A little boy and a little girl are playing. The little boy pulls down his shorts and says, "*I* have

An eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library wall, so he called an artist. Describing

A new young blonde bride calls her mother in tears. She sobs, "Robert doesn't appreciate what I do

A man and his young son are in the drugstore when the son sees the shelf of condoms and asks his father

So, the tyrannical sergeant major is called to the Colonel's office: "Smith's mother has just died

A very proper man started going into the neighbourhood pharmacy every week to buy 2 dozen boxes of

This hillbilly kid goes into a drugstore and asks the druggist for a box of condoms. The druggist

A farmer in the country noticed that a gentleman would fish at the lake (close to the farmer's house)

A woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond rings, a

When Uncle Charlie died of old age, Bill was bequeathed his uncle's prized Amazon parrot. This parrot

You met him in prison. During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway. He tells you

A couple were golfing one day on a very exclusive golf course, lined with million-dollar houses.

One day, after striking gold in Alaska, a lonesome miner came down from the mountains and walked into

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how TRUE this is! They actually have a chili

A Bible study group was discussing the unforeseen possibility of sudden death. "We will all die

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly

Little Johnny comes home from school with a note from his teacher, indicating that "Johnny seems to

A philosopher went into a closet for ten years to contemplate the question, What is life? When he came

One Friday morning, a teacher came up with a novel way to motivate her class. She told them that she

There once was a snake breeder who had two snakes he was trying to mate. For the life of him, he couldn't

A very good looking man walks into a singles bar, gets a drink and has a seat. During the course of

A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce. The attorney asked, "May I

A rabbit broke out of the laboratory where he had been born and raised. As he scurried away, he felt

There was a party that many rich people attended. The host had recently built a tank with many alligators,

On little Larry's first day of first grade, he raised his hand as soon as the teacher came into the

The old pastor made it to a practice to visit the parish school one day a week. He walked into the

A drill sergeant was known to be brusque with his men. His lieutenant warned him to try to be more

A man died in a horrible fire. The mortician thought it was George, but the body was so badly burned

One day long ago, a man and woman got married. The man told the woman that there would always be a

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money. The old guy fingered his expensive wool

During an Army war game a commanding officer''s jeep got stuck in the mud. The C.O. saw some men lounging

Two unemployed guys are talking. One says, "I'm going to become a lion tamer." The other replies, "That's

A few days after Christmas, a mother working in the kitchen, was listening to her son play with his

A blonde woman competed with a brunette woman and a redheaded woman in the Breast Stroke division of

A seven year-old turns up in his classroom one morning to be confronted by his teacher: "Morning

There was a huge nut tree by the cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and

There was once a sheep farmer who had a French farm hand working with him to help castrate his

David received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse

There were three friends Chris, John and Keith, who decided one sunny day to go for a walk in the