through

- How do you define optimism? - A banker who irons five shirts on a Sunday. - What is the diffrence

A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write

One day Bill Gates finally dies and goes to Heaven. Upon reaching the pearly white gates, he sees Saint

A man was ordered by his doctor to lose 75 lbs. due to very serious health risks. As he wondered how

Two tourists were traveling through Louisiana. As they approached Natchitoches, they started arguing

A man goes into a cafe and sits down. A waitress comes to take his order, and he asks her, "What's the

A little town had a high birth rate that had attracted the attention of the sociologists at the state

A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions

A very sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her vaginal lips reduced in size

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see

A man decided to buy a new telescope for his rifle. He goes to a rifle shop, and asks the clerk to show

Tarzan was walking through the jungle one day and got into a fight with a lion.The lion rips off one

3 Men are walking through the jungle when they are captured by native tribesman. The tribesman take the

An Arab has spent many days crossing the desert without finding a source of water. It gets so bad that

Question : Ms. America, how do you describe a male organ in your country?Ms. America : Well, I can

A man is out in the Chinese wilderness and he's hopelessly lost. It's been nearly three weeks since he's

St. Peter is leafing through the Big Book to see if the guy is worthy of entering. After several minutes,

The bank robbers had tied and gagged the bank cahier after learning the combination to the safe and had

TO: All employeesFROM: The bossDATE: August 3, 2000RE: Foul LanguageIt has been brought to management's

A man on a camel rode through miles of the sun-drenched desert searching for some sign of life. His supplies

Two astronauts, a man and a women, were on a mission to go to Mars and make contact with intelligent

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the

An Arab has spent many days crossing the desert without finding a source of water. It gets so bad that

A little guy gets on a plane and sits next to the window.A few minutes later, a big, heavy, strong, mean-looking,

A king travels through the desert, when he suddenly discovers a man captured under a big rock, he throws

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary.As the couple reflected on

The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of

Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there, the guy

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit

Back in the time of the Samurai there was a powerful emperor who needed anew head Samurai so he sent

In a small airplane there were four people: the pilot, the Pope, Bill Gates and a hitchhiker. They were

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't

A little girl and her dog are walking through the

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came

A magazine reporter is traveling through a rainforest,

One night, George W. Bush is tossing restlessly

Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers

Alien Haserection The Adventures of Prudo Snatch Bottlestar

One night, George W. Bush is tossing restlessly

Saddam Hussein and President George W. Bush meet

The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to

A little rabbit is running happily through the

There was a blonde, a brunette and a red head.

A man was walking through the forest, when he suddenly

A couple wants a divorce, but first they must decide

Q: Why do blondes need see through lunch boxes A:

A man dies and goes to Heaven. When he arrives

Cindy Lou Edleman Performs Quality Sexual Favors

A jock and a geek applying for the same job. The

While going through his wifeââ,¬â"¢s dresser

One day in the middle of the desert a man's car

1. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead

A man went on vacation to Texas. He went into a

An Amish woman and her son are walking through

There was a man who loved baked beans, but they

How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb? ââ,¬Å"Such

Osama and Saddam are walking through a desert when

1. If being chased through town, you can usually

This week, the Bush administration finally released

Ignoring the fact that George Bush declined Saddam

There once was a lowly snail, who was busily crawling

You might be a redneck if you drive your truck

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods,

What a woman says, what she really means... I

The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI,

A kid goes to his dad and asks, "Dad, what are

A gynecologist tired of his profession, and wanting

Gwen met Randy at a nightclub. They hit it off,

God: Men, what car you get in Heaven will depend

A man went to a cafe and ordered some soup. Half

SICKNESS AND RELATED LEAVE: We will no longer

Two hobbits walk into a bar where one of them picks

But everybody looks funny naked! You woke me

A guy was driving his truck along the interstate,

"There are only two reasons to sit in the back

It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered

A husband and wife, out enjoying a round of golf,

Feudalism: You have two cows. Your lord takes some

Years of straining with poopie-ing, we can only

I hate aspects of this time of year. Not for its

What is the sharpest thing in the world? A Fart.

1) Pretend to be one of the Bush family. Doesn't

* Silicon-enhanced chests and lips reveal that

A young man was walking through a supermarket to

What's pink, grey, and can't fit through a doorway? George

A guy about to tee off was approached by a man

I. Know that although the cat has the advantage

Tiger Woods was traveling through rural Kentucky

1. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes. 2.

Yo mama is so hairy that Tarzan couldn't get through

In order to assure the highest levels of quality

1. Your name must be Daisy, because I have the

A guy was standing in front of the gorilla cage

A drunk had been at a pub all night. At last call,

1. Drive through the drive-thru in reverse and

A young couple is out for a romantic Valentine's

The bell-ringer for the church had just passed

There once was this guy who was going on a date

Old Mrs. Watkins awoke one spring morning to find

Three explorers were hiking through a vast forest

A gynecologist was getting sick of his job and

Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a

Dermatologist: Good News my dear, aftr looking

Before you leave your house... 1. Put on a little

Bring a sock puppet with you to the restaurant.

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are

This woman is rushed to the hospital in critical

An eighty-year-old man is sitting on a park bench,

There was a man who owned a giant gorilla and he'd

An Irishman and Englishman and a Scotsman walk

There were these two fleas in a bar. The first

Yo mama's so fat, she can't fit through the door

A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care

* Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people

A wealthy business man and his wife are looking

At the scene of a terrible road accident, a guy

A new contract for Santa has finally been negotiated.

On a rainy night, three guys were driving through

1) Large, loft-style apartments in New York City

So this guy is in Rhode Island hunting for geese.

Three girls named Samantha, Janet and Rebecca were

One day in class, the teacher told everyone to

There was a young woman who lived with her grandmother.

Two teenagers were walking through a park when

One day, Little Johnny's class was reviewing the

Son: Dad, I have to do a special report for school.

Q: What is the difference between a boat and a

The other day I saw a ''Honk if you love Jesus''

A drunk is driving through the city and his car

Two old friends, who hadn't seen each other in

One day, a farmer decides to buy a new rooster

THINGY (thing-ee) n. For a female: Any part under

A young Indian brave goes up to the Chief and says,

There was a woman who wanted to repaint her house,

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were

An elephant was walking through the jungle one

10. Nobody cares if you act stupid. 9. You can

Why do smurfs laugh as they walk through the forest?

In a recent issue of Meat & Poultry magazine, editors

Some time ago President Clinton was hosting a state

From: General Manager To: Departmental

1. A few fries short of a Happy Meal. 2. The

A group of hikers were being led through the wilderness

Q: What do you call a woman who can suck a lemon

12. In the Star Wars universe, weapons are rarely,

One night a Scottish couple took a walk through

A guy just died and he's at the pearly gates,

There were three guys in a car. One driving, the

What is the last thing to go through a bug's mind

One day a guy and a girl were making out in her

One day a government worker was digging through

(Setting: A furious lightsaber duel is underway.

A blond guy and a brunette girl were happily married

Two hungry cannibals are walking through the forest

Three rednecks are talking about how stupid their

What''s black, white, red all over, and doesn''t

One day a man and his wife went golfing, as they

This guy lives in Westchester, NY and goes to

A teacher, a thief and a lawyer all die in the

In order to assure the highest levels of quality

A newspaper reporter went to interview an old man

Confucious say, “Man who go to airport and

Three rabbits escape from a testing lab and find

A man notices a peculiar rash on his chest. The

One day, two monks were in the vaults of the monastery

There was a cowboy and an Indian riding through

The LAPD, the FBI, & the CIA are all trying to

One day, a pod of whales was swimming along when

If you throw a party, the worst thing you can do

A man is riding aimlessly through the desert on

A brunette is walking through the country, when

An almost blind guy walked into a sexy lingerie

If somebody accuses you of lying through your tooth,

One upon a time there was a town with a new church

A sexy lady in a bar walks up to the counter and

One day two boys were walking through the woods

George W. Bush was passing through an airplane

1. Throughly clean the toilet. 2. Add the required

10. You're so tired you now answer the phone,

1. Look at the size of his putter. 2. Oh,

One day, there's a man and his wife driving along

You're so skinny, you can jump through your asshole!

1) In the middle of class, run to the middle of

What do you call a blonde that can suck a golf

Q: What can a bird do that a man can't? A:

One misty Scottish morning a man is driving through

A man took a poop in a gas station and then realized

Why did the bald man cut holes in his pockets?

You know you're a redneck when people say you lie

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

A pretty blonde woman is driving down a country

For years it has been believed that electric bulbs

Bob and Bill are driving down the road going about

Horace was born with only one arm but he managed

1. Ride mechanical horses with coins fished out

What went through the fly's mind as he hit the

A mother had three daughters and at their weddings

Ron Hextal, the Flyer's goalie, was so upset about

A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive

Rule One: I am aware that it is concidered fashionable

Sherlock Holmes and Watson were walking through

This is a true story about a recent wedding that

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on an

There was a woman who was interested in getting

One day in a small redneck town in the middle of

The Perfect Dump -- Every once in a while, each

How many lawyers does it take to change a light

A teacher was teaching her second grade class about

A man and his girlfriend go out to a bar for

The Englishman's, Irishman's and Scotsman's wives

One day God came to Adam to pass on some news.

* Take shopping carts for the express purpose of

A train hits a bus load of nuns and they all perish.

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and

But everybody looks funny naked! You woke me

Q: What's the difference between Princess Di and

Two blondes were stranded on an iceberg with only

One Sunday morning, a little girl and her mother

There was this man who really had to go to the

* The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, ''What's

A fellow was ordered to lose 75 pounds, due to

Two golfers meet on the same golf course, on the

Your mama is so fat, after she and your daddy got

Why do the smurfs luagh when they frolic through

Two guys are hitting the links at their local golf

A man and wife were celebrating their 50-year anniversary,

Two guys are speeding through Texas when a state

An old wizard was walking through a park when he

A guy walks into a restaurant and orders spaghetti.

This man decided that on his birthday he was going

Dearest John, I went to the door today and the

One day, two drunks were stumbling around in the

One night, a cabbie was driving through the streets

A cowboy was riding through an old abandoned canyon

A man was sitting at the bar in a watering hole

One night a robber broke into a home and heard

Yo' mama's like a racecar, she burns through four

A Priest and a Rabbi are walking through the woods

One day, Little Red Riding Hood is walking through

What's the quickest way to a man's heart? Through

10. That shirt is very becoming on you. Then again

A farmer has to go out to plow his rental field

Two tourists were traveling through Louisiana.

The privacy partition in the confessional booth

Yo' mama is so fat you have to grease the door

Element: Woman Symbol: Wo Discoverer: Adam

Yo mama is so fat they tie a rope around her shoulders

A mime is walking aimlessly through a forest.

SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction,

Why was the rubber flying through the air? It

You lose arguments with inanimate objects. You

In prison you spend the majority of your time in

The following are a sampling of REAL answers

One morning, a man approached the first tee, only

Jon and Dan were in a mental institution. This

Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit lived in the same forest,

Two dumb blondes were driving through the middle

Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful

A guy admired the hair of three girls. He walked

The following sign was posted at a fast food restaurant

A minister has just died and is standing in line

Man who drop watch in toilet bound to have shitty

Two couples go away on a two-week holiday together.

Two hunters are stalking through the forest when

A blonde walked into a gas station and said to

Q: How does a crazy person travel through the woods?

Two guys were hiking through the jungle when they

Have you heard about the blonde psychology major

A survey of top personnel executives of 100 major

In a trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes through

Cross my heart this happened to someone. This guy

Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As

"Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated." "What

A man was walking through a wealthy neighborhood

A woman went into a pet shop to buy her boyfriend

Sister Mary Katherine lived in a convent, a block

Twas the Night before Christmas, and all through

1) You're Different -- And That's Bad 2)

At the 1994 annual awards dinner given for Forensic

    NBC 8:00 Friends 8:30

It was mailman George's last day on the job after

Three engineering students were gathered together

The lineage is finally revealed. Many people are

A woman going through the change of life went to

Members of Congress...people of America....I banged

      AT&T fired President John

An 83-year old woman decided that she'd seen and

    BOOK is a revolutionary breakthrough in

A fellow bought a new Corvette and was out on an

During a busy pre-Christmas day at Sydney airport,

    Johnny meets a girl on the street.

A male whale and his mate were swimming around

First and foremost, we are not obligated to do

    A few months ago, there was

Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to

NAME: "Expecteria Trouserius" (Trouser Snake) LOCATION:

Will the Real Dummy Please Stand Up?! AT&T

1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well-lighted

A man noticed a woman in the grocery store with

A little old lady was sitting on her front porch

20. The hole closed on him before he could penetrate

Can you believe how many award shows they have

A newlywed couple just moved into their new house.

    Stupid people should have to

    One day a hunter was walking

Ã, Ã, Ã,  An Egyptian man is walking through

A few clowns short of a circus.Ã, Ã, 

    A herd of buffalo can only move

One night, the Potato family sat down to dinner.

One Sunday, Shane walks into a church and kneels

One day two deaf-mutes meet on the street. They

Q: How do crazy people go through the forest? A:

A man goes to the confessional. "Forgive me father,

Remember the book "Men are from Mars, Women are

Listen my children, and you shall hear Of

    The following information was

    A sixty-four-year-old man is

People are always on the lookout for a new diet.

"I'm hungry." = I'm hungry. "I'm

Saddam Hussein and George W. Bush meet up in Baghdad

Jack tells his doctor how he can no longer sustain

ASTROLOGY: tells us about you and your future

During WW II an American soldier had been on the

Who lit the fuse on your tampon? Support Cannibalism

1)  A Guide to Arab Democracies 2) 

    The Reverend John Fuzz was pastor

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out

A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two

Scientists at NASA have developed a gun built specifically

December 14, 1972 My dearest darling John:

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night.

When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard.

Dress Code: 1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary. 2) If we see

A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack! "Help

Find out what those dating terms really mean ATTRACTION..... the act of associating horniness with

Dear employee: As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for all department areas, we are

"Doctor, my child has swallowed a magnet!" "Don't panic, the magnet should pass through his system

Also known as 'women's intuition,' this sixth sense thing is no myth. Women seem to know what's going

Next time you have a bad day at work...think of this guy: Rob is a commercial saturation diver for

Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually, she slept throught the class.

A mother and a baby camel were talking one day when the baby camel asked, "Mom, why do we have these

1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out. 2. Age is a very high price to pay for

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself ~~'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.' --

A man goes to the confessional. "Forgive me father, for I have sinned." "What is your sin, my

Katie Couric, Charlie Gibson, Brian Williams and a tough old US Marine Sergeant were captured by

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a client

A sailor was caught AWOL as he tried to sneak on board his ship at about 3 am. The chief petty officer

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator? The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator,

An exhausted looking blonde dragged himself in to the doctor's office. "Doctor, there are dogs

One of the best marksmen in the FBI was passing through a small town. Everywhere he saw evidences

a.. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity. b.. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian

A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened Then

An Egyptian man is walking through the Cairo bazaar, when a stranger comes up to him and offers to

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new

A man and his wife were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, agreed

This husband and wife were playing on the ninth green when she collapsed from a heart attack. "Please

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the

A young Southern boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 of the way through the semester, he has foolishly

Dress Code: 1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary. 2) If we see

The Pope just finished a tour of the East Coast and was taking a limousine to the airport. Since he'd

In a small mid western conservative town, a new bar/tavern started a building to open up their business.

The Best and Worst Comments Received: "Text is useless. I use it to kill roaches in my room."

A hunter walking through the jungle, found a huge, dead dinosaur, with a pigmy standing beside it.

Entries in a Dog's Diary: 7 am - Oh boy! A walk! My favorite! 8 am - Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite! 9

After working most of her life Grandma finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her

Three tourists were driving through Wales. As they were approaching Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch,

King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.'

Back a few years ago, I went over to my neighbors house.(She was a blonde), and for some reason she

(Actual letter from an Iowa resident and sent to his senator) The Honorable Tom Harkin 731 Hart

Grandma's letter; She is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes: Dear

There was once an aspiring veterinarian who put himself through veterinary school working nights as

Some time ago Mr. Clinton was hosting a state dinner when at the last minute his regular cook took

TO: MR. JAMES THATCHER, BRAND MANAGER, PROCTER & GAMBLE. Dear Mr. Thatcher, I have been a loyal

"Late again," the third-grade teacher said to little Sammy. "It's not my fault, Miss Crabtree. You

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your

Two Irishmen, Patrick Murphy and Shawn O'Brian grew up together and were lifelong friends. But alas,

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal

Even if you aren't a skier, you'll be able to appreciate the humor of the slopes as written by a New

1) This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6) 2) Oysters' balls are

your breasts must think i'm good lookin cause they keep lookin at me. Hey baby, you keep running

Recently someone was browsing through the 40th Anniversary Issue of Reader's Digest (dated Feb. 1962),

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son

Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed my

A pretty blonde woman is driving down a country road in her new sports car when something goes wrong

A highly timid little man, ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, "Um,

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may

WATER...... It has been scientifically proven that if we drink 1 liter Of water each day, at the end

To all Employees: It has been brought to Management's attention that some individuals throughout

A man once spent days looking for his new hat. Finally, he decided that he'd go to church on Sunday

The teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra.

The Reverend John Fuzz was a pastor of a small congregation in a little Pennsylvania town. One day, walking

Panicking when her toddler swallowing a tiny magnet; my sister, Betty, rushed him to the emergency

A little town in southern Illinois had a sensational birth rate, and scientists decided to visit the

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags, one in each hand. There's

If your unfortunate enough to have to visit Yankee Country - like Boston (pronounced BAH-stin), this

Last summer John met a woman while on vacation and fell head over heels in love with her. On the last

Annoyed by the professor of anatomy who liked to tell "naughty" stories during class, a group of female

Three men die and meet Peter at the pearly gates. "In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter

The Center for Disease Control has issued a warning about a new virulent strain of Sexually Transmitted

I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy."

"Hillary Clinton's 506-page memoirs has come out. So much of her personality shines through, that

Dear Mrs. Fenton, Over the past six months, your husband, Mr. Bill Fenton has been causing quite

You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track. Logic is a systematic method

A British company is developing computer chips that store music in women's breast implants. This is

The Washington Post asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting,

Here's a prime example of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus" offered by an English professor

An attractive woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down.

A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends. Every day they would sit

Life isn't like a box of chocolates; it's more like a jar of jalapenos: you never know what's going

Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the

Dear Dogs and Cats, The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes

An older couple had a son, who was still living with them. The parents were a little worried, as the

BACHELOR: A guy who has avoided the opportunity to make some woman miserable. BRIDE: A woman

In case you have been waiting breathlessly for this year's Darwin Awards, here they are. The awards

Love- When your eyes meet across a crowded room. Lust- When your tongues meet across a crowded room. Marriage-

Dear Employee: As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we are forced

For those of you who are not "fortunate" enough to live in California, here is a copy of the California

Twas the day after Christmas, and all through the house, Every creature was hurtin', even the mouse. The

One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches

No matter what you do or where you go, you're always going to be yourself. And Panexa knows this. Your

In a small Southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone

A young fellow at the state fair stood watching an old Indian. Above the old Indian was a sign that

Save all manner of bacon grease. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead show up for the same job interview. The brunette is the first

On a given night, 2 death row inmates are scheduled to be electrocuted on old sparky. While one execution

Pedro was trying to get into the U.S.legally through Immigration. The Officer said "Pedro, you have

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One

A family is sitting around the supper table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of breasts

Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large raging violent river. Needing to

Two Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods. All of a sudden one of the Indians ran

From : Managing Director To : Executive Director "Tomorrow morning there will be a total eclipse

NUDITY I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible

The couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted

The Center for Disease Control has issued a warning about a new virulent strain of Sexually Transmitted

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds

A young guy from Missouri moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything-under-one-roof" department

After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride Virginia, Luigi stopped by his old

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. 2. One tequila, two tequila, three

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside.

THE WIT AND THE WISDOM OF HOMER J.SIMPSON "Now son, you don't want to drink beer. That''s for Daddys,

Recently while going through an airport during one of his many trips, President Bush encountered a

Note: Sometimes a story comes along that needs no polishing or enhancement to make it better.

As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the

Michael and his wife live in Minnesota. One winter morning while listening to WCCO, they hear the announcer

Part of Air Canada's recent settlement with the Unions was hiring handicapped people! So, the other

A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded,

A young Technician and his General Manager board a train headed through the mountains on its way to

One day a fella was driving home when he suddenly realized that it was his daughter's birthday and

1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out. 2. Age is a very high price to pay for

Two Middle East mothers are sitting in the cafe strip chatting over a pint of goat's milk. The older

To the citizens of the United States of America: In the light of your failure to elect a competent

[The year would not be complete without the Darwin Awards - awarded every year to the persons who

Man "Haven't we met before?" Woman "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic." Man "Haven't

You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were

One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of

Written by Phil Maggitti Going to War with the Army that We Want. WASHINGTON, D.C. - President

A man is sitting at the bar in his local tavern, furiously imbibing shots of whiskey. One of his friends

George Carlin Speaks Out... I Am Your Worst Nightmare. I am a BAD American. I am George Carlin. I

A city slicker, named Tommy, was on vacation in Texas. His hosts, being very hospitable, invited him

A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist. "Come now," coaxed the doctor,

Back in the time of the Samurai there was a powerful emperor who needed a new head Samurai so he sent

Pinocchio had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about splinters when they were having

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl. 2.

"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand." Woody

In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the day. During that time we regret that you

The George Bush Virus - Causes your computer to keep looking for viruses of mass destruction. The

Two guys are walking through the woods and come across this big deep hole. "Wow...that looks deep."

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's

For those of you who are not "fortunate" enough to live in California, here is a copy of the California

THINGY (thing-ee) n. female: Any part under a car's hood. male: The strap fastener on a woman's

The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. "In honor of

Who says cops don't have a sense of humor? The following were taken off of actual police car videos

Harold was an old man. He was sick and in the hospital. There was one young nurse that just drove him

A cop stops a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. Since he's in a good mood that

The woman entered the room, and with a knowing smile teasing her full lips,she sank into the comfort

You may not know that many nonliving things have a gender. For example... 1) Ziploc Bags- They

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of

On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things

Historical information you need to know about shipping Manure: In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything

A white-haired old man walked into a jewelry store on a Friday, with a beautiful young lady at his

SYMPTOM - Feet cold and wet. SOLUTION - Glass being held at incorrect angle. Rotate glass so that

A woman has had serious headaches for several years and has tried everything; been to several doctors

Essential NEW WORDS FOR 2004 editions for the work-place vocabulary: BLAMESTORMING Sitting around

It's time once again to consider the candidates for the annual Stella Awards. The Stella's are named

A friend just got back from a holiday ski trip to Utah with the kind of story that warms the cockles

man died and went to The Judgment. St. Peter met him at the Gates of Heaven and said, "Before you

I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your bed rock. I can't find my puppy, can you

Two men are driving through Pennsylvania when they get pulled over by a State Trooper. The cop walks

A Hunter walking through the jungle found a huge dead dinosaur with a pigmy standing beside it. Amazed,

An office manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the Archangel

A young woman asks her mother, "Mom, how many kind of penises are there?" The mother, surprised,

Two cars were waiting at a stoplight. The light turned green, but the man didn't notice it. A woman

You are different and that's bad. Pop goes the hamster......and other great microwave games. What

1. When you get pulled over, say "What's wrong, ossifer, there's no blood in my alcohol?" 2. When

Description Missus manifests as a female humanoid providing cooking/cleaning features, and a sitting-room/TV

FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80's, slim, 5'4" (used to be 5'6"), searching

This is a test for men only and all "real men" will answer "C" to all of these questions. However,

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not live forever, because

A customer service award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being so clever

Walking through Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and

A guy went to a psychiatrist because he was having severe problems with his sex life. The psychiatrist

One evening a father overheard his son saying his prayers "God bless Mommy, Daddy and Grammy. Goodbye

A little old couple walked slowly into a McDonalds one cold winter evening. They looked out of place

blonde guy and a brunette girl were happily married and about to have a baby. One day, the wife started

The Washington Post's Style Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary,

DRESS CODE It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of

A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband. Now he had been slipping in and

I took some friends out to dinner last week, and I noticed a spoon in the shirt pocket of our waiter

Today is my daughters 18th birthday......I'm so glad that this I my last....damn child support payment.

A man and his wife were driving through country on his way from New York to California. Looking

"Managing senior programmers is like herding cats." - -Dave Platt "Do not meddle in the affairs

A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse. The horse's trainer meets him

The Reverend John Fuzz was a pastor of a small congregation in a little Pennsylvania town. One day,

IN PRISON...You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell. AT WORK....You spend most of your

What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever. What do attorneys use for birth control? Their

*A few clowns short of a circus *A few fries short of a Happy Meal *An experiment in Artificial Stupidity *A

Two gay gentlemen were walking through a zoo. They came across the gorillas and after a while they

This memo is to announce the development of a new software system which will be Year 2000 compliant.

An older couple had a son, who was still living with his parents. The parents were a little worried,

A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His camel dies of thirst. He's crawling

Paul was ambling through a crowded street fair when he decided to stop and sit at a Palm Reader's

OK, I'm the only female in a house full of guys. 4 sons and a hubby. Toilet seat is never down...etc. SOOOOoooooooooo

And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach and green and yellow vegetables of

A man was feeling very depressed and walked into a bar and ordered a triple scotch whiskey. As the

Ben was working at the lumberyard one day, pushing a tree through the saw, when he accidentally cut

Jason wanted to get his blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary, but also something

When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was

A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona and sees that the car's oil-pressure light is on.

Three doctors were driving together to the hospital when they had an accident and all three died.

An eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library wall, so he called an artist. Describing

"Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated." "What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement.

A man is waiting for wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born

Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the big table he looks into his small bowl.

A young fellow at the state fair stood watching an old Indian. Above the old Indian was a sign that

A lady was standing on a street corner waiting for a bus when she happened to notice a weight machine.

A travelling salesman of agricultural machinery was on a three week tour through the hinterlands of

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near an abandoned gas station. They approached the gas

Did you hear what happened?" Jim asked when he saw me walking down the hallway at work. "Hear

Margaret is very upset as her husband Albert had just passed away. She went to the undertakers

Three blondes died and are at the gates of heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates

1.) "If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all

You might be a Redneck Jedi if..... you ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with y'all." your

A couple were golfing one day on a very exclusive golf course, lined with million-dollar houses.

A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went through the standard training,

A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist. "Come now," coaxed the doctor,

A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, "We have special requirements

A new Mercedes owner was out on an interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze

A blonde who's down on her luck is walking through a luxurious neighbourhood looking for odd jobs to

Annoyed by the professor of anatomy who liked to tell "naughty" stories during class, a group of

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady

ATTRACTION - the act of associating horniness with a particular person. LOVE AT 1st SIGHT - what

Four married men were golfing. While at the fourth hole, the first man said, "you have no idea what

A Boston fan, a Yankees fan, and Pamela Anderson are sitting together in a train. The train enters

A Bible study group was discussing the unforeseen possibility of sudden death. "We will all die

Two men were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freight vessel. While

A gynecologist who had lost interest in his medical practice decided to change careers and enrolled

A mother and son are walking through a cemetery, and pass by a headstone inscribed - "Here lies a good

Three men were trekking through the desert and came across a magician. The magician was standing at

St Peter is standing at heaven's gate when a man walks up. "Welcome to heaven my son. What did you

Two guys driving through Texas get pulled over by a state trooper. The cop walks up and taps on the

A guy walks into a bar and asks for three beers. The bartender puts them up and then watches the guy

Through the center of Czechoslovakia there's a train speeding along. In one compartment of the train

It was a sunny Saturday morning on the course and I was beginning my pre-shot routine, visualizing

A man was walking through a forest pondering life. He walked, pondered, walked, and pondered. He felt

Two hunters are walking through a forest looking for deer. When all of a sudden, a giant bear jumps

The FAA has a device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. They point this thing at

A state trooper pulls a car over on a lonely back road and approaches the blonde lady driver. "Ma'am,

A man and his little boy were walking through the park when a honeybee landed near them. The boy ran

A fellow was walking through a cemetery one dark and stormy night. As he got well into the cemetery,

A mother and baby camel are talking one day when the baby camel asks, "Mom why have I got these huge

A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a Lawyer are in a train. The Russian takes a bottle of the

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant opened by a fellow cannibal. Feeling

Two men arrive at the Pearly Gates at about the same time, both wanting to know if they will be admitted

A young man was delighted to finally be asked home to meet the parents. He was quite nervous about

There was a preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance that he could get, he could be found on the

A lady is having a bad day at the tables in Vegas. Down to her last $100, completely exasperated, she

Three business men were sitting in a bar, drinking and discussing how stupid their wives were. The

A woman is becoming increasingly worried that she might never find a mate. She wonders if there is

During her annual checkup, the well-constructed miss was asked to disrobe and climb onto the examining

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop somewhere in Washington DC. Picking through the objects

A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for the local butcher shop and steals a roast off

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit

A priest was taking a shortcut through an alley one day and came upon a young boy who was masturbating. "My

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing.

A guy calls up his ex-wife and, disguising his voice, asks to speak to himself. "Sorry, he doesn't

A ninety-year-old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, when a young man walks by and asks him what's

There was a pilot flying a small single engine charter plane, with a couple of very important executives

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof

There were two evil brothers. They were rich, and used their money to keep their ways from the public

It was George the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all

Merv was in a terrible accident at work. He fell through a floor tile and ripped off both of his ears.