times

DOS Beer: Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the directions carefully

Original List aged 20: 1. Handsome 2. Charming 3. Financially successful 4. A caring listener 5.

Warning on a curling iron: Do Not Insert Curling Iron Into Any Bodily Orifice... My bathroom has inadequate

Enough with the Poking, Lets Just Have Sex He pokes her, she pokes him, they poke each other back

A printer consists of 3 main parts: The Jammed Paper Tray The Power Switch and The flashing red light Also......If

A 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening and read's:Dear Wife (that's

A young couple gets married, and the groom asks his bride if he can have a dresser drawer of his own

This story occurred on Melbourne radio. One of the stations has a competition where they ring someone

A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage

At Night. The wife had curled up ready to go to sleep, and the husband put his A typical married couple

The class was very noisy just now because there wasn't any teacher, but now everyone suddenly turned

A man on a camel rode through miles of the sun-drenched desert searching for some sign of life. His supplies

An elderly couple were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary, so they decided to return to the little

This couple goes to an agricultural show way out in the countryside a fine Sunday afternoon, & are watching

PPO = Preferred Provider OrganizationHMO = Health Maintenance OrganizationThe Queen of England was visiting

A man is having problems with his dick, which certainly had seen better times. He consults a doctor who,

Once there was this doctor that moved out to the country to become a farmer. He said to himself, "Well,

At a seminar called "Stress and Disease" by Dr. Nickolas Hall, an expert in psychobiology, gave an example

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? Well, I hope you remember my story when they

Two Norwegian men were driving near Mt. Horab, a Norwegian community in Wisconsin, when they noticed

A husband and wife came for counseling after 20

One sunny day in 2008, an old man approached the

Mark your calendar with the multitude of holidays

A big-city California lawyer went duck hunting

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender if

A man dies and goes to Heaven. When he arrives

A blind man walks into a bar, taps the man next

This week, the Bush administration finally released

I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary

Traditional Capitalism: You have two cows. You

God: Men, what car you get in Heaven will depend

But everybody looks funny naked! You woke me

A man takes his wife to a livestock show. They

"Ahhh! It's Yoda's little friend you seek!" "Nerrrm.

Years of straining with poopie-ing, we can only

A guy was limping, and his friend asked him what

A blind man walks into a bar, taps the man next

If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company,

486: The average IQ needed to understand a PC.

A Scottish tourist attended his first baseball

In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller,

Whether the cause is a previous night of drinking

1. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes. 2.

1. Leave permanent markers by the dry-erase board. 2.

Original List (age 22): 1. Handsome 2. Charming 3.

Three old men were talking about how much their

1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless

People get really upset when you use the "F" word.

Don't Say This to Your New Girlfriend's Parents... 1.

A hillbilly is sitting in a bar, drinking, when

A couple had been married for a long time, but

A man walks into a bar and orders three beers.

There were these three bees trapped in a hive.

Jack and Betty are celebrating their 50th wedding

A bunch of guys are sitting at the local bar. They

A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care

* Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people

A wealthy business man and his wife are looking

1. The Female always makes THE RULES. 2. THE

What is the difference between a boy and a girl? A

A newly married hillbilly couple decided they wanted

One day a miserable toothbrush sits down and says,

There were five thousand Smurfs, and one Smurfette,

The other day I saw a ''Honk if you love Jesus''

Jane was sitting in anatomy class on day when her

There were three NASCAR fans on their way to a

One Sunday, a priest asked one of the church janitor

Albert Einstein used to go to dinners where he

There was a woman who wanted to repaint her house,

An alien walked into a bar and sat down next to

We all know those cute symbols made with keyboard

A guy just died and he's at the pearly gates,

An old farmer decided it was time to get a new

One day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was

A tourist is in Spain, and goes to a fancy restaurant

A young man wished to purchase a present for his

The ringmaster of a traveling circus was looking

Bill Gates is hanging out with the chairman of

Who invented the first computer in Biblical Times?

A drunken man staggered into a Catholic church,

If you throw a party, the worst thing you can do

A cucumber and a pickle were having a conversation.

This guy is standing outside on his balcony on

Two brothers, Bob and Tom, both work for a lumberyard.

One day a woman, pregnant with triplets, was walking

Three guys die and end up at the gates of heaven,

1. Throughly clean the toilet. 2. Add the required

Q: What is your date of birth? A: July fifteenth.

A man had a very small penis, so he went to a witch

A woman had been married so many times she was

Two good ol' boys were driving down the road

(which in our society means over 25) An older

A little old lady sits at the luncheonette counter

Three men were walking down a street and found

(Disclaimer--Some of this stuff is illegal.) *Ask

A city slicker went to the country to buy a pig.

ARKANSAS STATE RESIDENCY APPLICATION Name:

You're more full of shit than the hair on my ass

A mother had three daughters and at their weddings

A man was eating in a fancy restaurant, and there

A women is getting married for her fourth time

Bertha was worried about her husband George, so

The Smiths had no children and decided to use a

A man's house is on fire. He runs out of the house

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and an

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced

After a really good party a man walks into a bar

A guy gets out of the V.D. Hospital and decides

Three bears came out of hibernation and they were

But everybody looks funny naked! You woke me

Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough

There was a man who had a 25 inch penis, so he

Once a Frenchman, an Englishman and an Irishman

There was this man who really had to go to the

Once upon a time there lived a woman in Brampton

Bill Clinton and Jesse Jackson are taking a post-workout

A travelling salesman is out in the country selling

* We got off the Titanic first. * We can scare

1) You try to enter your password on the microwave.

It's wise to remember how easily e-mail can be

Murphy's Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.

In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop a beautiful

A good-looking woman walks into a bar wearing a

Last 10 Things a Man Would Say: 10. I think Barry

I'm currently running the latest version of GirlFriend

Three women were sitting around talking about their

There are approximately two billion children (persons

The FDA is considering additional warnings on beer

Ghost Poopie- The kind where you feel the poopie

A fellow walks into a bar very down on himself.

Once there was man named Jim, who let his dog out

A young deaf-mute couple got married. At first

The young fellow was about to be married and was

Back when Bill Clinton and Hillary got married

There is this couple, and the wife is very self

A teacher decides that she is going to teach her

A tourist has been visiting Cuba for a week. He

A man and his wife are stranded on a desert island.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde who had two chances

There was a man once that was always talking about

Why did Santa have to go to the hospital? Because

* It can be up or down. It's more fun when it's

To my darling wife: During the past year,

These individual quotes were reportedly taken from

A little old lady goes into the Chase Manhattan

Did you hear about the lady at Wal-Mart that was

Joe stopped at his favorite watering hole after

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment

What animal rotates at least 200 times after it

Yo' mama so slutty she heard Santa say, "ho ho

A young woman goes to church to confess her sins

You might be a redneck if you've been married three

Shit is a powerful word. Just think of all the

    A couple go to Mexico City for

A few months after his parents were divorced, Little

Everyone who ticks him or her off gets a $26,000

There was a little boy named Johnny who used to

Doris and Fred had started their retirement years

"You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women,

All-Purpose Excuse Form, designed to get you out

We all know those cute little computer symbols

Bill was in the hospital for a complete check-up.

A young blonde stock broker was bored with her

A little old lady wanted to join a biker club. She

Harry and his wife are having hard financial times,

The following letters were taken from an actual

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says,

A farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster and

    A trucker who had driven his

Will the Real Dummy Please Stand Up?! AT&T

But Doctor, You HAVE To! In Turkey, Mehmet Esirgen, 52,

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates

When you are dating..... Farting is never an

    In Lebanon, men are legally allowed

    DETROIT--With third-quarter

Ã, Ã, Ã,  A teenage boy and his grandfather

On Tough Jobs that Involve Letters: “It's

    The Penis requests a promotion

One day two deaf-mutes meet on the street. They

Remember the book "Men are from Mars, Women are

An FM station has a competition where they ring

    The following information was

Run one lap around the office at top speed

Element Name: MAN Symbol: XY Atomic Weight: (180

Ã, Ã, Ã,  If you receive an e-mail

Our Rights: The following was written by State

1. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out

Three guys died and when they got to the pearly

A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to

September 15     

Last name: ________________ First name (check

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's

December 14, 1972 My dearest darling John:

Monica's Diary Entry 1 Dear Diary, I'm so excited!

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED: 1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats. 2)

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver

Dear employee: As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for all department areas, we are

I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it. I work hard because millions on welfare

You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and

Next time you have a bad day at work...think of this guy: Rob is a commercial saturation diver for

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "What human body part increases to ten

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself ~~'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.' --

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Wairarapa. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell

Closer Than You Think! An unemployed man goes to apply for a job with Microsoft as a janitor. The

A minister concluded that his church was getting into serious financial troubles. Coincidentally,

A tour bus driver drives with a bus full of Sun City Christmas Shopper Seniors down a highway, when

Customer: Hi. How much is your paint? Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things. Customer:

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the

In the past, employees were permitted to make trips to the restroom under informal guidelines. Effective

Three old mischievous Grandmas were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home. About then an old

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda,

1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't. 2..

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender can't help but stare at the

A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls. They

Grandma's letter; She is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes: Dear

A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank

A husband and wife came for counselling after 25 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was,

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your

Bubba went to a psychiatrist. "I've got problems. Everytime I go to bed I think there's somebody under

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's

1) This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6) 2) Oysters' balls are

Dorothy and Edna, two "senior" widows, are talking. Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me

On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons. Early one morning, the woman

#10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22. #9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for

A woman married three times walked into a bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk that she was

It's wise to remember how easily email can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences. Consider

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help

10. You ticked him off once and your next phone bill was $20,000. 9. He's won the Publisher's Clearing

The teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra.

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play - normally one club and two balls. 2. Play

Three men died in a car accident and met Jesus himself at the Pearly Gates. The Lord spoke unto

An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living the last of his life in a nursing home. One day he appeared to

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of the University

Three elderly men are at the doctor's office for a memory test. The doctor asks the first man, "What

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.On their wedding night, she told

This preacher was looking for a good used lawnmower one day. He found one at a yard sale that Little

Here's a prime example of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus" offered by an English professor

At a college with a shady reputation, the new dean responded to investigations into the basketball

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder

A census taker in a rural area went up to a farmhouse and knocked. When a woman came to the door, he

Try this... On your way home from work, stop at a pharmacy and purchase a rectal thermometer made

Dear Employee: As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we are forced

For those of you who are not "fortunate" enough to live in California, here is a copy of the California

One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he called his grandson to his bed. "Grandson I wanna you lisin

A man walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face. "What are you so happy about?" asks the

Hello, my name is William and I suffer from guilt for not forwarding 50 billion fucking chain letters

Wife: Oh, come on. Husband: Leave me alone! Wife: It won't take long. Husband: I won't be

Name of Boyfriend/Fiancé/Husband: I request permission for a leave of absence from the highest

Customer: Hi. How much is your paint? Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things. Customer:

When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly

"Remember, never ask a geek "why"; just nod your head and back away slowly... " Dan Wineman Memory

1. Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found 2. hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works

* Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong. * Keep skunks and bankers and

It is with the saddest heart that I have to pass on the following news about a great American icon.. Veteran

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside.

A man went to a psychiatrist for his phobia. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to

If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise. - Unknown Some days you're the dog; some

Note: Sometimes a story comes along that needs no polishing or enhancement to make it better.

A minister concluded that his church was getting into serious financial troubles. While checking the

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and

Helpdesk: What kind of computer do you have? Female customer: A white one... -------------------------------------------------------------------- Hi,

[The year would not be complete without the Darwin Awards - awarded every year to the persons who

One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of

Written by Phil Maggitti Going to War with the Army that We Want. WASHINGTON, D.C. - President

I. There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa

Some of us Southerners are pretty skeptical of horoscopes and the people that read them. If we are

Pinocchio had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about splinters when they were having

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl. 2.

"Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine." "I love cats...they taste just like chicken" "Out

Some people say that I'm superficial, but that's just on the surface. On one hand, I'm indecisive;

A Russian and an Newfoundland wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic Gold medal. Before the

For those of you who are not "fortunate" enough to live in California, here is a copy of the California

A blonde was hunched over the bar, toothpick in hand, spearing futilely at the olive in her drink.

It was Saturday night and the preacher still hadn't been able to think of a sermon for the next morning.

An elderly man went to his doctor and said, "Doc, I think I'm getting senile. Several times lately,

It is with the saddest heart that I have to pass on the following news about a great American icon.. Veteran

Thor, the Viking God of Thunder, and his pal Odin were up in Valhalla, when suddenly Thor said to Odin,

Attached is some correspondence which actually occurred between a London hotel's staff and one of

Here's why . According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were kids in the 40's,

After his death, Osama bin Laden went to heaven. There he was greeted by George Washington, who

Rhonda went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender hands him the beer and says,

10. Sometimes stays in bed till after 6 am. 9. In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women

Warning on a bottle of drain cleaner: "If you do not understand, or cannot read, all directions,

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious

In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the back of

Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each

A Russian and an American wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic Gold Medal. Before the final

Some of us Southerners are pretty skeptical of horoscopes and the people that read them. If we are

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan

There's an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery.

The cowhand got paid on Friday and immediately rode into town and proceeded to the nearest bar and

Here are some observations about the politicians who run our country. They are from a Washington, D.C.travel

If you recall the old Hollywood Squares show, this will bring a tear to your eyes. They are worth

Description Missus manifests as a female humanoid providing cooking/cleaning features, and a sitting-room/TV

FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80's, slim, 5'4" (used to be 5'6"), searching

1. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards,

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto

Two elderly residents, one male and one female, were sitting alone in the lobby of their nursing home

You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop, and you see

A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband. Now he had been slipping in and

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetie for Valentine's Day. As they had not been

"Managing senior programmers is like herding cats." - -Dave Platt "Do not meddle in the affairs

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. One his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to 10

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife

"Grandma, how long have you and Grandpa been married?" asked young Nina. "Fifty years," Grandma

At a convention of biological scientists, one researcher remarks to another, "Did you know that in

The Smiths were unable to conceive children, and decided to use a surrogate father to start their

The Army Airborne major was used to harassment from Air Force fliers about crazy Army paratroopers

This little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with passing gas, but

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed

A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a department store and asks, "W-w-w-where's

The staff at a local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's

Teacher asked her class to use 'definitely' in a sentence. Jane raised her hand and said, "The sky

A man was sitting at home one evening, when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, a 6 foot

Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the big table he looks into his small bowl.

A travelling salesman of agricultural machinery was on a three week tour through the hinterlands of

DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You

A man takes his wife to the cattle show. They start heading down the alley that houses all the bulls.

1.) "If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all

A little old lady wanted to join a biker club. She knocked on the door of a local biker club and a

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. 2. Learn to work the toilet seat; if

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in South Louisiana. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into

A driver is pulled over by a policeman. Man: Is there a problem Officer? Officer: Sir, you were

Never before had Sue looked in the box that her husband Fred kept under their bed. The box had been

1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers. 2. What do you do if your

A man tells a doctor, "I think my wife's going deaf. What can I do?" The doctor says, "Well, try

Three elderly men are at the doctor for a memory test. The doctor says to the first man, "What is three

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may

This young fellow was about to be married and was asking his grandfather about sex. He asked how

On little Larry's first day of first grade, he raised his hand as soon as the teacher came into the

Times change. Recently there was a demonstration by a large number of students at several Howard

A blind man and his guide dog enter a bar and find their way to a barstool. After ordering a drink

A man and a woman are riding next to each other in first class. The man sneezes, pulls out his wang

Three nurses went to heaven, and were awaiting their turn with St. Peter to plead their case to enter

It's the first of April, and Joe is out of town on business. He returns home to find out that his wife

A redneck farmer was disturbed when he found out his son was masturbating several times a day out in

A blonde went to her mail box several times before it was even time for the mailman to make his rounds.

A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she cut off a truck driver.

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, and as they had not been dating

There was this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery.

A cute little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to

Three guys died and when St. Peter met them at the pearly gates, he said, "I know that you guys are

Programmer compiled an array of reasons as to why he can't find a girlfriend with a good on her , reason