today

A computer walks into a bar and sits down to order a drink. The bartender looks over at him and says,

This one is long but well worth reading!In case your frustration level rises today, this is for everyone

Michael Jordan made over $300,000 a game. That equals $10,000 a minute, at an average of 30 minutes per

Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new home. It's fun to cook for Tim. Today I made an angel

A woman could never get her husband to do anything around the house. He would come home from work, sit

The class was very noisy just now because there wasn't any teacher, but now everyone suddenly turned

A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion.

Sam and a beautiful woman walk into a very posh Beverly Hills furrier. "Show the lady your finest mink!"

There's a guy sitting inside a bar, just staring at his drink for about a half-hour. Then, this big truck

Three men stand before St. Peter awaiting admission into Heaven. However, St. Peter has been informed

TEACHER: Why are you late?WEBSTER: Because of the sign.TEACHER: What sign?WEBSTER: The one that says,

Mark your calendar with the multitude of holidays

Saying that "America must take a preemptive approach

Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers

A tourist is picked up by a cabbie in New York

Nervous Taxi Driver A passenger in a taxi leaned

Two lions are walking along the beach. One turns

A man at a retirement home was walking around with

It was so cold today I saw a lawyer with his hands

Ignoring the fact that George Bush declined Saddam

A leprechaun walks into a bar, and he see's a sign

What a woman says, what she really means... I

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother started

I hear that Motorola just proposed to buy out Enron

Little Johnny was in class and the teacher announced

If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company,

Road rage: Who gives a BEEP! Why not raise a

1) Pretend to be one of the Bush family. Doesn't

Bush is my shepherd I shall not lie He leadeth

Herman and his brother, Trevor live on a farm in

These are excuse notes from parents (with their

A woman goes into a adult toy shop to buy a dildo.

The manager of a megastore came to check on his

I started my new diet today. It consists of Viagra

1) Stand on top of the high board and say you won't

Three hillbillies are sitting on a porch. One says,

So, a gay man goes to church one Sunday. As the

A blonde dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates,

A man drives to a gas station and has his tank

An elderly couple decided to celebrate their 50th

A man left his cat with his brother while he went

Dr. Schambaugh, of the University of Oklahoma School

It was recess and the pre-schoolers came in. The

There was a woman and her husband. They were happily

A little boy came home from school one day and

This guy dies and goes to heaven. When he gets

There were three boys all in third grade: an Asian

A nun comes to her Mother Superior and asks her

A man loses his hat, so he goes to church to steal

There was a man with a restaurant near a construction

Dear Santa: You must be surprised that I am writing

One fine afternoon, a smiling boy arrived home

One day this little girl's dad came home and she

1) In the middle of class, run to the middle of

Canada's worst air disaster: Canada's worst

This elderly Newfoundland fisherman is on his deathbed

Jan.10 5:00 P.M. It's starting to snow. The

Rule One: I am aware that it is concidered fashionable

One day, on a trip to the Grand Canyon, three rednecks

Patient has two teenage children, but no other

One day a little girl came running into her house

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot

*Stand on top of the high board and say you won't

Just as mom walks though the door, little Jonny

But everybody looks funny naked! You woke me

A boy from France comes to America. He wants to

Mr. Jones was an old man with Alzheimer's who lived

A group of guys were chatting with a good-looking

A boss tells his new employee, "I'll give you 8

Dearest John, I went to the door today and the

Forrest Gump dies and goes to heaven. The gatekeeper

Every day two blonde women would come out of work

Two guys were working for the city. One would

A boy awoke and wanted breakfast so he told his

A man comes home to his wife, and he is chuckling.

Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out

A teacher decides that she is going to teach her

* It can be up or down. It's more fun when it's

A couple was getting ready to go out to celebrate

Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful

One day two girls were trying out for the school

A little old lady goes into the Chase Manhattan

A man from another country came to the U.S. and

A guy goes out one day, hunting for bear. After

I'm sitting on this plane, eating my dinner, when

Bill Clinton calls his intern. ''Come into the

''Mommy, mommy, I don't want to visit grandma today!''

A man and a woman met in an elevator. ''Where are

Once there were two best friends, named Fred and

40. Oh I just couldn't. Hell, she's only

The wealthy, high-society mother of a 17-year-old

A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned

As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I can get

It was mailman George's last day on the job after

One day the pre-school teacher said, “We're

"You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women,

Members of Congress...people of America....I banged

Due to widespread panic about the Y2K bug, Internet

A guy dies and goes to heaven. It's a slow day

Sam and a beautiful woman walk into a very posh

A pretty young blonde visiting her new doctor for

Jack comes home from school with a great big smile

A guy walked into a bar one day and said to the

    With Viagra such a hit, Pfizer

The following letters were taken from an actual

There was this couple who had been married for

The teacher says, "Today we are going to learn

There was a great loss today in the entertainment

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada

This guy is not getting along so well with his

Joe woke up one morning with an enormous boner

13> "None for me, thanks.  That

You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore. Your

Harry and Martha were sitting down to their usual

$ Michael Jordan having "retired,"

Those who have it would be devastated if it

Remember the book "Men are from Mars, Women are

It is near the end of the school year.  The

"Yes" = No "No" = Yes "Maybe"

1. In the company of females, intercourse

ASTROLOGY: tells us about you and your future

A Redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery.

From an article in the Wall Street Journal, about

December 14, 1972 My dearest darling John:

A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job

Monica's Diary Entry 1 Dear Diary, I'm so excited!

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED: 1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats. 2)

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows the rancher says to Amy, "The artificial-insemination

Joe Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock (MADE IN JAPAN ) for 6am . While his coffeepot

There are many stories related to the sinking of the "Titanic." Some have just come to light due to

I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it. I work hard because millions on welfare

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul

It was March 6, 1836. On that fateful day, Davy Crockett woke up and rose from his bunk on the main

There are many stories related to the sinking of the "Titanic." Some have just come to light due to

There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table

A man and his wife were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, agreed

A lady went to the bar on a cruise ship, and ordered a Scotch, with two drops of water. The bartender

A priest and a rabbi are walking down the street together, and they both want a drink, but they have

An employee who had a terrible history for taking time off phoned in again one Monday morning: "I'm

Me: Hello. AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T. Me: Is this AT&T? AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T. Me: This is

Entries in a Dog's Diary: 7 am - Oh boy! A walk! My favorite! 8 am - Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite! 9

A Blonde Texan city girl, marries a Texas rancher. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows

Congress Votes to Outsource Presidency, Washington, DC (AP) Congress today announced that the office

On that fateful day, Davy Crockett woke up and walked from his bunk on the floor of the Alamo up to

Old tribal wisdom says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to

A guy walks into a bar, sits down, and asks, "Bartender, got any specials today?" Bartender answers,

A fifteen year-old boy came home with a new Chevrolet Avalanche and his parents began to yell and scream,

A lady walked into a Lexus dealership just to browse. Suddenly, she spotted the most beautiful car

An elderly couple, Ray and Bessie, are "snowbirds" in Texas. Ray had always wanted a pair of authentic

Dear Internal Revenue Service: Enclosed you will find my 2006 tax return showing that I owe $3,407.00 in

Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder and made a spectacle of himself? Doctors

A man once spent days looking for his new hat. Finally, he decided that he'd go to church on Sunday

Hang on to any of the new State of Alabama quarters. If you have them; they may be worth much more

An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living the last of his life in a nursing home. One day he appeared to

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried the

After getting all of The Pope's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver

1. Illiterate? Write today for free help. 2. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try

A group of Kentucky second, third, and fourth graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on

MONDAY: It's fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately.

Here's a prime example of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus" offered by an English professor

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas." The barman says,

A chicken farmer went into a local tavern and took a seat at the bar next to a woman patron and orders

I really wanted to send out some sort of holiday greeting but it is so difficult in today's world to

It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it, but, here is one: Two tall trees,

Green Bay, WI Monday, October 31, 2005 - Anthrax Scare At Lambeau Field Green Bay Packer football

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage

History began some 12,000 years ago.(Actually, it was 40,000 years ago.) Humans existed as members

A Texas family of football supporters head out one Saturday to the outlet mall to do their tax-free

Dear Husband: I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been

10. Today is our what? 9. I got you a present worth a dollar for every time we had sex this year.

Well after all the witch hunts over the years by the French trying to prove he was using illegal substances.....they

The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500 man elite fighting unit called the US REDNECK

Your friend compliments you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot. You don't care

1. The patient refused autopsy. 2. The patient has no previous history of suicides. 3. Patient

"Remember, never ask a geek "why"; just nod your head and back away slowly... " Dan Wineman Memory

Hillary Clinton is out jogging. she passes a young boy selling puppies. "Buy a puppy Ma'am?"

1. Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found 2. hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works

In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft;

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds

A young guy from Missouri moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything-under-one-roof" department

An old couple is having breakfast when the old woman says to her husband, "Just think, honey, we've

Enclosed is my 2005 Form 1040, together with payment. Please take note of the attached article from

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years. One night, during one

Michael and his wife live in Minnesota. One winter morning while listening to WCCO, they hear the announcer

A woman was chatting with her next-door neighbor. "I feel really good today. I started out this morning

At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady truck up a conversation and

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer

Sam and Bessie are senior citizens, and Sam has always wanted an expensive pair of alligator cowboy

Who said men don't remember anniversaries? A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband

The NHL Players Association (NHLPA) announced today that they are upset at the NHL for planning to

To the citizens of the United States of America: In the light of your failure to elect a competent

A new business was opening and one of the owners friends sent flowers for the occasion. but when

Man "Haven't we met before?" Woman "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic." Man "Haven't

The young couple invited their aged parson for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing

A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused

So this isn't Home Sweet Home ... Adjust! Ring bell for maid service. If no answer, do it yourself! I

Amy, a blonde city girl, marries a farmer. One morning, on his way out to the fields, the farmer says

In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the day. During that time we regret that you

Hang on to any of the new State of Arkansas quarters. If you have them, they may be worth much more

A college student challenged a senior citizen, saying, "It is impossible for your generation to understand

Accountant - Someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing. Auditor - Someone

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet

This is how today's media would have reported the Normandy invasion to free those living under German

15. "Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby." 14. "I sure hope your

Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, boss I no come work today, I really sick. I got headache,

PARIS HILTON CALLS FOR END TO SWIFT BOAT FLAP Says It's drawing Attention Away From Her Hotel

Attached is some correspondence which actually occurred between a London hotel's staff and one of

Harold was an old man. He was sick and in the hospital. There was one young nurse that just drove him

Official Announcement: The government today announced that it is changing its emblem from an Eagle

Here's why . According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were kids in the 40's,

A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling

There were three boys all in third grade: an Asian boy, a Spanish boy and a redneck. They were trying

I hope that this will once again confirm that the most important information in your life won't come

Warning on a bottle of drain cleaner: "If you do not understand, or cannot read, all directions,

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's

The day finally arrived; Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St.

I promise you cannot read these and not laugh out loud! These are real notes written from parents

Hang on to any of the new Newfoundland quarters. If you have them, they may be worth much more than

"OLD" IS WHEN... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Pick one,

HER DIARY Saturday night I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to

One evening a father overheard his son saying his prayers "God bless Mommy, Daddy and Grammy. Goodbye

A jumbo jet is just coming into the Toronto Airport on it's final approach. The pilot comes on the

This is a compilation of actual Church Bulletins and Service bloopers... Our next song is "Angels

At New York's Kennedy Airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher

A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed,

A fifteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began to scream, "Where did you get

Dear Diary: Day 1 Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When

Today is my daughters 18th birthday......I'm so glad that this I my last....damn child support payment.

The chief of staff of the US Army decided that he would personally intervene in the recruiting crisis

The following story was written by Andrew Marlatt. It first appeared on SatireWire on Feb. 1, 2002

Hung Chow calls in to work and says, "Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache,

A man was walking one day, when he came to this big house in a nice neighborhood. Suddenly he realized there

A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5 year old son playing with his new electric train

A little boy and a little girl are playing. The little boy pulls down his shorts and says, "*I* have

A nurse of an old folks home walked into the room of Mr. Jones and noticed he was crying at the foot

MARKETING: You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry midterm. The answer

The men of Charlie Company had been in the field for two weeks when the Sarge announces, "I've got

One afternoon while doing some work in the garden I noticed my dog dragging something under the fence.

A tourist goes into a restaurant in Spain and orders the specialty of the house. When his dinner arrives,

A little blonde girl comes back from school one evening. She runs to her mum and says: "Mummy today

It's just too hot to wear clothes today," complained a man to his wife as he stepped out of the shower.

1.) "If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all

A "Kinder, Gentler System" Sony has announced its own computer operating system now available on

This woman goes to a pet store to purchase some dog food. She puts the bag of food up on the counter

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day,

The passenger tapped the cab driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed, lost

President George W. Bush is visiting an elementary school today and he visits one of the 4th

A man comes home from work and finds his wife admiring her breasts in the mirror. He asks, "What are

A drill sergeant was known to be brusque with his men. His lieutenant warned him to try to be more

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day,

A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, bee-lines for a butcher shop and steals a roast. The butcher

The nuns at the local convent had their daily annoucement session. The mother superior walked out in

An old married couple was sitting in their rocking chairs enjoying a beautiful sunset when the old

A few days after Christmas, a mother working in the kitchen, was listening to her son play with his

A Redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Austin to claim it where the man verifies

A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the

A young wanna-be stud is vactioning alone in Hawaii. He hits the beach, hoping to meet some young

It was George the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all