touch

A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write

In a west Texas town, employees in a medium-sized warehouse noticed the smell of gas. Sensibly, management

Granddad pulls out a beer and the little boy says, "Grandpa, can I have one of those?"Grandpa says "Is

A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away.She protested, "But we don't

A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out the camel suddenly

A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn

A sixteen year old girl went to a priest for confession."Father, I called a guy son of a bitch yesterday.""Why

Ali married Aminah. Ali was so innocent that he did not know how to consummate the marriage (actually

Mark your calendar with the multitude of holidays

How do amoebas keep in touch? With cell phones.

A gentleman on a flight to Atlanta had a serious

A brunette goes to the doctor and says, "Everywhere

Q:Whatââ,¬â"¢s funnier than kicking a zombie

One day in the middle of the desert a man's car

My First Time The sky was dark, The moon was high, All

An Irish man with a crooked back walks into a coffee

Valentines Day is here again, and with it the perfect

A man went to a cafe and ordered some soup. Half

"There are only two reasons to sit in the back

Years of straining with poopie-ing, we can only

If you think no Christmas dinner is complete

Women got off the Titanic first. Women can scare

How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges? What

Little Johnny came home from school one day and

(tip: don't try these if you're not willing to

NASA sends a space shuttle up with two pigs and

A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette are riding

A young couple is out for a romantic Valentine's

A 13 year-old old paperboy knocks on the door of

One day a blonde and a redhead were playing together

Jack and Betty are celebrating their 50th wedding

After spending time with Eve, Adam was walking

Before you leave your house... 1. Put on a little

There was an old man named Bozo, and all he had

There was a man who owned a giant gorilla and he'd

* Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people

Start with a cage containing five monkeys. In the

THINGY (thing-ee) n. For a female: Any part under

A young boy caught sight of his mother changing

There was a guy driving down the road when he ran

What do you get when you cross a rooster and a

One day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was

There was a little boy and a little girl in a

A man was driving along a dusty road, when he ran

An older single woman was shopping at the grocery

A women came home one day with a mirror and told

A blonde told her doctor that she was really worried

On a long walk in the woods, Johhny found himself

A man was fishing and he caught a crocodile. The

Three turtles, Joe, Steve, and Poncho, decide

A redneck teacher decides to give her class a small

(Disclaimer--Some of this stuff is illegal.) *Ask

For years it has been believed that electric bulbs

One time in heaven Saint Peter said to Jesus,

Things a Man Would Do if He Woke up with a Vagina 10.

A man moves from Ireland to New York City, leaving

Bob walks into a public bathroom and notices a

You're so ugly that when you were born, the doctor

Two fellas are fishing in a boat under a bridge.

A train hits a bus load of nuns and they all perish.

Once upon a time there lived a woman in Brampton

Last week I took some friends out to a restaurant,

There were nine blondes and a brunette hanging

* We got off the Titanic first. * We can scare

A travelling salesman was out in the country one

1) You try to enter your password on the microwave.

In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop a beautiful

A Mismatched Pair of Gloves A young man wished

NASA decided to send a shuttle into space with

There was a father and son who went on a fishing

How do you know when it's ''bedtime'' at Michael

What do you get when you mix a rooster with a

Little DJ has his first day at school. His Mom

A guy walks into a bar with his pet dog. The

1. Your reason for not staying in touch with family

1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or

The boss is finally old enough to retire from the

A little girl is sitting on her grandpa's lap and

Three men heard rumors of a mountaintop where God

If you and I were squirrels, could I bust

A young woman with small breasts buys a finely carved

20) "That's weird..." 19) "It's

Shit is a powerful word. Just think of all the

A visiting professor at the University of Montana

As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I can get

1. Life is sexually transmitted. 2. Two wrongs

WHAT WOMEN SAY & REALLY MEAN: CAN'T WE JUST

A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife:

On the last day of kindergarten, all the children

A guy is standing at a urinal when he notices that

But Doctor, You HAVE To! In Turkey, Mehmet Esirgen, 52,

A guy comes home from the bar drunk one night around

    A little girl asked her mother

One day two deaf-mutes meet on the street. They

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed

A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two

September 15     

The bartender was washing his glasses when an elderly

If you want someone who will bring you the paper without first tearing it apart to remove the sports

A man walks into a bar, he sees two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. He asks the barman, "Why

On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher. The florist's son brought

TWO DUCK HUNTERS FROM WISCONSIN: ABSOLUTELY A TRUE STORY HEARD ON A WISCONSIN RADIO STATION REPORTING

Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Carolyn that the doctor said he only

This guy walks into a bar wearing a Lion jersey and carrying a little dog that also has a Lion jersey

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your

A lady walked into a Lexus dealership just to browse. Suddenly, she spotted the most beautiful car

Two guys and a union worker were fishing on a lake one day, when Jesus walked across the water and

When young Jose, newly arrived in the United States, made his first trip to Yankee Stadium, there were

An Italian, an Irishman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a Sydney construction site. The foreman

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow?

You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track. Logic is a systematic method

here is a dangerous virus being passed electronically, orally and by hand. This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer

A touchy-CNN reporter, while interviewing a Marine sniper asked, "What do you feel when you shoot

We've all had the annoying experience of calling up a hotline and waiting on the phone for eons to

A man and his friend were enjoying Deer Hunting Season in rural Arkansas near a blacktop highway. A

Dear Husband: I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been

A little girl is sitting on her grandpa's lap and studying the wrinkles on his old face. She gets up

The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of

Tired of being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decides to solve both problems

1. "I got kicked out of Riverdance for using my arms." - Michael Flatley (lead Riverdancer) 2.

As a crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a five-year-old boy who picks

Who said men don't remember anniversaries? A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband

A minister was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas. After the plane was airborne, drink orders

A man fell asleep on the beach.He woke up several hours later and suffered a severe sunburn to his

*Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal. *I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. *WANTED:

George Carlin Speaks Out... I Am Your Worst Nightmare. I am a BAD American. I am George Carlin. I

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls

Ralph returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours

You live in Arizona when.. 1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade. 2. You

THINGY (thing-ee) n. female: Any part under a car's hood. male: The strap fastener on a woman's

Little Johnny 's next door neighbors had a baby. Unfortunately, the little baby was born with no ears. When

It was the last day of school, and all the students were bringing presents for their teacher. A florist's

Historical information you need to know about shipping Manure: In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything

The bartender was washing his glasses, when an elderly Irishman came in. With great difficulty, the

A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital. Just before he was

A man worked in a post office. His job was to process all mail that had illegible addresses. One

1. When you get pulled over, say "What's wrong, ossifer, there's no blood in my alcohol?" 2. When

10. "Clocks are five hours fast" 9. "Everybody's speaking some crazy foreign language" 8. "Harry

While attending a marriage seminar on communication, Wally and his wife Carolyn listened to the instructor

These questions about Canada were posted on an international tourism website and obviously the answers

NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial

Two gay gentlemen were walking through a zoo. They came across the gorillas and after a while they

A man returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours

An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his IRS agent and his lawyer (both church members),

For a computer programming class, I sat directly across from someone, and our computers were facing

The Scene: The Pearly Gates to Heaven. St Peter is receptionist at the entrance. - A cat shows up.

Marine Corps General Reinwald was interviewed on the radio the other day and you have to read

A brunette goes to the doctor, and says to him "Doctor I'm hurting all over my body." "That's

A brunette went to the doctors. "Doctor," she said. "Help me. I hurt all over." "Sit down," said

A cat shows up at the Pearly gates of heaven. St. Peter says, "I know you! You were a very nice

A five year old boy and his grandfather are sitting on the front porch together, when grandpa pulls

A man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying in bed for a few minutes the man cuts a fart. His

A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain. "Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor. "You

Little DJ has his first day at school. His Mom was real worried, and when she picked him up from school

A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while

A resident in a seaside hotel breakfast room called over the head waiter one morning. "I