wanted

Joke
Fun
Comedy
Quote



Jokes

Deduction

A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write

Dear Dad

A father, passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything

Olympic Diving Champion

A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away.She protested, "But we don't

New Ears

A very sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her vaginal lips reduced in size

Trading Place

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see

It Happen At Church

A blond man showed up at work one day with a black eye. When his co-workers saw him they asked him what

Special Code

A couple who had 2 kids decided that whenever they wanted sex, they would use code words so the children

Wetting Finger

At Night. The wife had curled up ready to go to sleep, and the husband put his A typical married couple

Nerd

Michael Jordan made over $300,000 a game. That equals $10,000 a minute, at an average of 30 minutes per

Diary of a Young Wife

Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new home. It's fun to cook for Tim. Today I made an angel

1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9 & 10

Ah Lum was asked to make a sentence using 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9 & 10. Not only did he do it from 1 to 10,

Squashed Frog

There was this little boy about 12 years old walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a

Communication

A judge was interviewing a women regarding her pending divorce and asked, "What are the grounds for your

Argument

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.An earlier discussion had led

Flower Note

A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion.

Ladies Night Club

The other day, my friends and I went to a "Ladies Night Club."One of the girls wanted to impress the

Custody

An old man and his young wife were getting divorce at a local court. But the custody of children posed

Martian

Two astronauts, a man and a women, were on a mission to go to Mars and make contact with intelligent

Marriage

How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.The most effective

Fathered

There was a middle aged couple, who had two stunningly beautiful teenaged blonde daughters. They decided

Quick Wit

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street."But officer."

Coffee

The young clerk's responsibilities included bringing the judge a hot cup of coffee at the start of every

Innocent Kids

A little girl was asked what she wanted most for her birthday and she declared: "A baby brother.""Daddy

25th Anniversary

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary.As the couple reflected on

FUNNY BUMPER STICKERS

1. My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom.2. GROW YOUR OWN DOPE, PLANT A MAN.3. All Men Are Animals,

Language

One day, an "Ang Moh" from USA arrived at KLIA Airport. After he checked out from the customs,he felt

Five More Yards

In Scotland, the most important time for a young lad is when he "comes of age" and is allowed to purchase

Password

A guy was setting up like a bank account or something like that, and he was being taken care of by a

A Used Motorcycle

There's this guy who's in the market for a used motorcycle. Always wanted a nice big hog. So he's shopping

Man vs Woman

RelationshipsWhen a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and

Take all your clothes off

Some time ago, there was this artist, who worked from a studio in his home. He specialized in nudes,

The Perfect Husband

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.

Future Handicapping

George W. was out jogging one morning along the

Sister Mary Henry

A taxi pulls up to a church and picks up a nun.

Get yo fingers bit

Yo mama so fat when she went to KFC she asked for

Cash Flow

One day a man walks into a tatoo parlor and tells

Friendly Neighbors

A blond was taking a shower when the doorbell rang.

Martin Scorscese is interviewing three ...

Martin Scorscese is interviewing three action heros

Running for Office

George W. Bush was out jogging one morning when

Wedding Hells

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist

A guy decides to buy a new...

A guy decides to buy a new ceiling fan, but the

There was a young girl who loved to wear ...

There was a young girl who loved to wear skirts

Hot Enough For You?

After dying a grisly death in an Afghan cave, Osama

Once there was a blonde who wanted to prove ...

Once there was a blonde who wanted to prove to

Did you hear about the boy bubble who chased...

Did you hear about the boy bubble who chased the

A bunch of Saddam Hussein's body doubles ...

A bunch of Saddam Hussein's body doubles were waiting

First Class

A blonde was headed to Detroit. She got on the

Celebrity Sayings

Angelina Jolie: I am so in love with my brother

Famous People and Chickens

Why did the chicken cross the road? ââ,¬Â¢

Perspective Lawyers

Two smart, attractive, well-educated young law

Code for Sex

There was a couple who did not want their children

One Drunken Night

A Drunken Night A guy wakes up in a drunken stupor,

Corn Hole

A truck driver had a 2 day lay-over during the

3 blondes jump off a building ...

Why did the 3 blondes jump off the building? They

Tiny Wish

A man is sitting in a pub, when a guy with an incredibly

10 Ways to Annoy Cops

Say, "Damn, officer, you must have been going

Osama in the Holy Land

Why did Osama bin Laden visit Mount Sinai? He

In-law vs Outlaw

What's the difference between an in-law and an

Life's Reflections

1. I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no

Sailors and Soldiers Should Be Friends!

A Navy man and an Army man are driving opposite

How to be Annoying in the Computer Lab

Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look

Workplace Farting: Options Explored

Whether the cause is a previous night of drinking

Clinton Monument

Dear U.S. Citizens, I have the distinguished honor

Losin' It

A guy and a girl are lying in a dorm-room bed after

Final Exam Failure

Last semester I took macroeconomics and didn't

NOAH's ARK - A Modern Tale

And the Lord spoke to Noah: ''In six months I'm

Talking Out of Your Ass

If I wanted to hear from an asshole I would fart.

The Paperboy

A 13 year-old old paperboy knocks on the door of

Blame Duke

There once was this guy who was going on a date

Respectfully Cheating

Jack and Betty are celebrating their 50th wedding

Jesus and His Disciples

One day Jesus wanted to test his disciples. So

Wanted: Dead Or Alive

An office exec was interviewing a blonde for an

Ya Wanna Find Jesus?

A drunk man stumbled into a church where there

Viagra + Eyedrops = ?

Why'd the man take Viagra eyedrops? Because he

Bar: Horny Wife, Pooped Husband

A man walks into a bar and orders a double, obviously

The Clever Famer

Q: Why did the farmer plough his field with a steamroller?

The Call of Nature

One fine day in the middle of class at school,

And God Created...

God created earth, and it was good. Then God created

Hillbilly Newlyweds

A newly married hillbilly couple decided they wanted

Moron

Why did the moron throw the butter out the window?

Skull & Bones

Q: Why were the bones chasing the skull? A: Because

Honk If You Love Jesus

The other day I saw a ''Honk if you love Jesus''

Skin Sculpture

One day, a man went into the doctor because he

Bumpersticker Bonanza

* Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell

3 Couples, 2 Compliments, 1 Adventure!

Three couples went to a resturant. The women wanted

Pizza, Pizza

A guy ordered a pizza, and Luigi behind the counter

Two Little Snakes

Two little snakes were hissing near their pit.

Bubba Gets Smart

Bubba was Alabama's star lineman. He was great

Blonde Diet

There was blonde who wanted to go on a diet. She

Blonde - Contractor

There was a woman who wanted to repaint her house,

Please Grab!

A woman went into a department store and told the

Discrimination

It was recess and the pre-schoolers came in. The

The Rabbit and The Bear

A frog leaps out of the magical forest where he

Sticker Shock

Back in the day, when they stamped each can in

Chicken Engineering at Its Finest

In a recent issue of Meat & Poultry magazine, editors

Blonde Ice Fishing

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing, so after getting

Blonde - Two Coats

A blonde decides to show her husband that despite

Comeback Nasty

If I wanted some comeback, I'd wipe it off your

Lars the Weight-Loss Guru

This really fat guy wanted to lose weight. He tried

Got Milk?

A guy had a date with this really hot blonde. He

Blonde Counting Sheep

Once there was a blonde driving home from work

The Real Skywalker Lineage

(Setting: A furious lightsaber duel is underway.

The Bald Man

A bald man with one leg wanted to go to a fancy

Old People And Nastiness

A very old couple wanted to have children, so

Speed Demon

Harold and Lloyd were speeding down the road when

Bar: Tabletop Football

There was a guy, who was the most buff guy, and

One Man's Torture: A Golfing Tale

One day a man and his wife went golfing, as they

Crappy Date

This guy lives in Westchester, NY and goes to

Split Up The Middle

Once there were two twins, Joe and John. Joe was

Snail Heads for the Daytona Tracks

There was this snail who wanted to be a Formula

The Sick Husband

There was a husband and a wife. The husband was

The Tired Genie

This guy buys an old bottle at a yardsale. Upon

The Comeback Supremo

If I wanted any lip from you, I would jiggle my

The Dynamite Kid

There were these two people in a bar, a boy and

Fifty-Dollar Bet

This guy who works at a pickle factory comes home

President Clinton & the Pope

President Clinton and the Pope died on the same

Elvis in the Flesh

Being a huge Elvis fan, a pretty, young woman strolled

Yo mama's so stupid... plane

Yo mama is so stupid when you asked her if she

The Prom Dress

A month before Prom night the daughter goes to

Out of T.P.

A sexy lady in a bar walks up to the counter and

Dinner on the Road

There were these two bums and they were hungry

The Rescue

One day, three boys were walking over a bridge

Don't Let the Nun Go Down On Me

A man gets on a bus with only a nun and the driver.

Buy Another Condom, Fool

A guy is on a trip with his girlfriend and he only

The Soldier

There was a soldier that enlisted in the army to

Bar: A Weasel Ate My Genitals

A guy sees a sign outside a bar that says "Piano

A Nun and Her Donkey

A nun wanted to enter a racehorse into a race.

Bishop And The Ass

A preacher wanted to raise money for his church

Paraplegic

There once was a lady who was tired of living alone.

Tatonka

There was an Indian chief who wanted to show his

That's Really, Really Nasty & Practical

3 bums were outside a bar.The first one went in

Barnyard Poem

The sky was dark The moon was high We were

The Firing Squad

A man was scheduled to go before a firing squad

Donkey Joke

A king wanted to improve the mood of his favorite

Ole and the Lefse

Ole was on his death bed. But before he died,

Good Can of Corn

There were three couples, one elderly, one middle

Screwed, For Sure

Once a lady wanted to leave the U.S.A. but couldn't

Punny Pun Pun

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but

Scratchy Lottery

A couple walked into the supermarket. They looked

Fun With Cops

(Disclaimer--Some of this stuff is illegal.) *Ask

Small Town Justice

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist

Doing The Washing

A newlywed couple had a slight problem when it

Dirty Aliens

A married couple was walking down the street when

Lady At the Bar

There was a lady at a bar. Every time she wanted

You're So Fat... Good

You're so fat, Goodyear wanted to fly you over

Deadbeat in a Bar

A man walked into a bar on a slow night and sat

50 Things to Do in a Mall

1. Ride mechanical horses with coins fished out

Men are Simple

Why did God invent a man first? She wanted

In-Laws and Out-Laws

What's the difference between out-laws, and in-laws?

The Skin Canoes

There were three guys who where rowing a canoe

Cheap Cat

One day, a man walks into a bar with an ostrich

Your Profession and Your Libido

A women is getting married for her fourth time

Spell L-O-V-E

A man came in to heaven and God wanted to go on

Upholding the Cloth

A priest wanted to convince a prostitute to turn

Dead Frog

A young boy walks into a whore house dragging a

The Aggie

One day, on a trip to the Grand Canyon, three rednecks

Fascinating

A teacher asks her class of 3rd graders to use

The Tasteful Blind Man

A blind man walked into a diner and made a strange

Clemson Wedding -- A long, true story

This is a true story about a recent wedding that

Yo Mama's So Fat... Waterbed

Yo mama is so fat, when she wanted a water bed

Big Boss Man

When the body was first made, all the parts wanted

Highschool Sweethearts

There was once a pair of high school sweethearts.

The Holy Water

One day four nuns are called to the priests chambers.

Hotel Fun

Bill and Joe go into a hotel. The hotel has 100

Ten Husbands, Still a Virgin

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced

The Fishing Spot

One day Bob and Bubba went fishing. They were catching

Lady's Butt

Q: Did you hear about the lady who wanted to buy

Hypnotist Blunder

A comedian, new to the profession, is looking for

So you want to marry a millionaire ?

A very rich man met a beautiful lady and he decided

Whipping the Foreigners

Once a Frenchman, an Englishman and an Irishman

Code for Love

There was a couple who did not want their children

Torpedos

There was this woman who wanted bigger boobs. So

Asian Lady

There was an Asian lady who married an English

Dreams About Growin' Up

One day, three boys were talking about what they

Take My Wife, Please

* The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, ''What's

Assisted Suicide

One day there was a 97 year old woman, who wanted

Top 10 Country Music Titles

1. Get Your Biscuits In The Oven and Your Buns

Clinton on Halloween

A little boy wanted to be Bill Clinton for Halloween,

The Cowboy's Last Request

A long time ago, a cowboy was captured by the Indians.

Statue Fantasy

An old wizard was walking through a park when he

Chicken in the Road

Why did the chicken stop in the middle of the road?

Bank Robbers

One night three guys wanted to rob a bank. They

Naked Olympic Pole Vaulting

A group of guys were chatting with a good-looking

The Man With No Voice

One night, a man with no voice and his friend went

Sperm Bank Robber

A masked man walks in to a sperm bank, pulls a

The Great Wiener Caper

One day, two drunks were stumbling around in the

A Sack Full of Chickens

One day there were two men walking down a dirt

Logical Nun

A nun was telling some other nuns about how she

Blonde's Backseat

A blonde and a guy were out on a date and they

Why'd The Redneck?

Why'd the redneck cross the road? Because he

GirlFriend 1.0 - Software Helpline Excerpt

I'm currently running the latest version of GirlFriend

Come Early And Bring Your Lunch

A woman who was rather old-fashioned, delicate,

Multi-Balls

Once an abnormal guy went to a doctor. His abnormality

Dwarf Sex

A dwarf and a normal woman met at a party. The

Stupid Joke

Why did the kid throw the clock out the window?

Holiday in Ibiza

A man wanted to go on holiday in Ibiza because

Ghost story for tots

A football player walked into a motel on a rainy

Christmas Carol Parrot

A man wanted to buy his wife a unique birthday

Amorous Amish People! Kinky!

An Amish couple had just been married and had gone

Blonde and License Plates

A blonde wanted to buy personalized license plates

Wizard Wonders

There once was a toad who was a bit different than

Clinton in Oz

Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and the Secretary of Defense

The Man Who Wanted To Quit Smoking

There was this guy who wanted to quit smoking.

Don't Kick the Animals, Man

A boy awoke and wanted breakfast so he told his

Holy Lottery

One day, Moishe went to the doctor and the doctor

The Lawyer & The Dead Man

A dying man gathered his best friends - a lawyer,

Heaven vs. Hell

One night, God spoke to a preacher to tell him

My Husband Likes To Watch

A man and his wife are stranded on a desert island.

Blonde Welfare

Q: Why did the blonde call the welfare office?

Mermaid Sex

This guy went into a bar and ordered a beer. He

Marital Mirth

A couple was getting ready to go out to celebrate

The Retirement Party

The boss is finally old enough to retire from the

Cheerleading Tryouts

One day two girls were trying out for the school

The Snail and the Dung Beetle

Once, a long, long time ago, in a small village

Little Pianist

A man walks into a bar and sees a man sitting beside

Two Men and A Refrigerator

Two men named Cecil and Scott live together. One

The Three Generals

The pentagon said they had too many generals running

Old People Get It On

Two elderly folks in a nursing home wanted to get

Three Men Visit God on the Mountaintop

Three men heard rumors of a mountaintop where God

49ers New Hires

Why did the 49ers hire two nuns and a prostitute?

Interview Don'ts

A survey of top personnel executives of 100 major

New Yorker

A Texan, a Russian, and a New Yorker go into a

A Crappy Date (A True Story)

Cross my heart this happened to someone. This guy

The Special Birthday Frog

A woman went into a pet shop to buy her boyfriend

What Do You Need So Much Milk for Ma'am?

A milkman was delivering on his round when he came

Grandma's Trip to Victoria's Secret

Grandma went into Victoria's Secret and wanted

Finding The Lord

A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned

Special Delivery

It was mailman George's last day on the job after

Cute Little Sayings

1. Life is sexually transmitted. 2. Two wrongs

The Geneology of Mr. Jack Schitt

The lineage is finally revealed. Many people are

Words From Women

"You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women,

Stupid, Stupid People

      AT&T fired President John

Man Quiz -- Are You Trained?

   As you grow older, what lost

Exotic Male Dancer

The other day, my friends and I went to this Ladies

Hot Temper-ature

A big shot businessman had to spend a couple of

Biker Bar Interview

A little old lady wanted to join a biker club. She

Tickle These, Elmo

A women desperately looking for work goes into

Bumper Sticker Sayings

1. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

The Career Ambitions of Babies

There were three babies in a woman's womb, and

More True-Life Accounts of Stupidity

Will the Real Dummy Please Stand Up?! AT&T

Dumb Crooks Roundup

BETTER HOLD ON TO THOSE PANTIES...THEY COULD COME

West Virginia Custody Battle

The scene was a tiny mountain village in a remote

Keeping In Under The Kilt

In Scotland, the most important time for a young

You're Probably Aged 23 to 28

You learned to swim about the same time Jaws

Jock vs. Nerd

$ Michael Jordan having "retired,"

Men vs. Women vs. the Short Story

Remember the book "Men are from Mars, Women are

Blonde Rolls Back The Odometer

A blonde wanted to sell her car, but couldn't find

Dear God

A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two

Clinton Bedtime Story

Bill and Hillary are fast asleep in the First Bedroom,

Why did the chicken cross the road?

BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a CHANGE! The chicken

Wife's Birthday

Bill meets Doug shopping at the mall and sees he has a small gift wrapped box. "It's my wife's

Gunfighting Tips

In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest

The Irish Virgin

In a tiny village on the Irish coast lived an old lady, a virgin and very proud of it. Sensing that

Chemistry Class

A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor,

Chinese Business Trip

A man went on a business trip to China and wanted to buy some gifts for his kids. He went to a shop

Mike is Dead

Donna's husband Mike died suddenly one day. Donna was taking care of the funeral arrangements with

$100.00

A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened Then

50th Wedding Anniversary

A man and his wife were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, agreed

The 5 Questions Most Feared By Men

1. What are you thinking about? 2. Do you love me? 3. Do I look fat in this? 4. Do you think

Waiting for the Bus

A blonde was visiting Washington, DC for the first time. She wanted to see the Capital building. Unfortunately,

Twenty Nine Lines To Make You Smile

1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't. 2..

What a Woman Really Wants

King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could

First Cut is the Deepest

Once upon a time, two little boys, Sammy and Tim, were sharing a room in the hospital. As they were

Candles

Prior to our wedding, David and I met with the minister to discuss our marriage ceremony and various

Golf Story

A guy receives an ad in the mail for a golf resort where everything costs one dollar. He jumps at the

Rodney Dangerfield Quotes

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.'

Right Back At Ya!

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the

Grandma's Letter

Grandma's letter; She is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes: Dear

PMS?

TO: MR. JAMES THATCHER, BRAND MANAGER, PROCTER & GAMBLE. Dear Mr. Thatcher, I have been a loyal

Medication

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the

New Chevrolet

A fifteen year-old boy came home with a new Chevrolet Avalanche and his parents began to yell and scream,

The Druggist

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's

Big Feet

A lady went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest

Butt Dust

What, you ask, is "Butt dust?" Read on and you'll discover the joy in it! These have to be original

Funny Lines

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants. Marriage changes

Cowboy Boots

An elderly couple, Ray and Bessie, are "snowbirds" in Texas. Ray had always wanted a pair of authentic

Two Widows

Dorothy and Edna, two "senior" widows, are talking. Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me

Bad Puns...no really!

Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder and made a spectacle of himself? Doctors

Big Shot Jamaican

Joe grew up in Jamaica, then moved away to attend college and law school. He decided to come back

Top 16 Country Songs

16. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed Your Ass Out All Day Long 15. If I Can't Be

Duct Tape

Davie walks into a bar and sees his friend Norm slumped over the bar. Davie walks over and asks Norm

Heart Transplant

An elderly patient needed a heart transplant and discussed his options with his doctor. The doctor

Real Ads

1. Illiterate? Write today for free help. 2. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try

Bear Facts

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of the University

Trip to New York

A Texan and his wife were on a trip to New York. She had just finished showering to dress for dinner

Brokeback Deputies

Some retired deputy sheriffs went to a retreat in the mountains. To save money, they decided to sleep

Died Suddenly

Donna's husband Mike died suddenly one day. Donna was taking care of the funeral arrangements with

Career Choices

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought

Blonde Cookbook

MONDAY: It's fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately.

Ten Husbands

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.On their wedding night, she told

Men Are From Mars

Here's a prime example of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus" offered by an English professor

Auction

One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on an exotic parrot. He really wanted this

Taxiway

While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a U.S. Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale

Little Cussing Johnny

Little Johnny had a cussing problem and his father was getting tired of it. He decided to ask his

On the Way to Prison

Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help

Texas Cowboy

Prior to her trip to Texas, Buffy (a New Yorker) confided to her co-workers she had three goals for

Labrador Pup

I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the Super Wal-Mart Shopping Center and rolled down the car

The Medal Of Freedom

WASHINGTON, D.C. - A white house source stated that Congress is considering awarding Vice-President

Beautiful Girl at Work

Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's

Blonde Sayings

I think that 'Clueless' was very deep. I think it was deep in the way that it was very light. I think

A Christmas Greeting

I really wanted to send out some sort of holiday greeting but it is so difficult in today's world to

George W.

George W. was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing

Blonde Murder Victim

WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (the actual AP headline) Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego,

Sarcastic Remarks For Work

And your crybaby whinny opinion would be...? This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting. I

Dear Husband

Dear Husband: I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been

Pick-Up Lines That Don't Work!

- Your sister's a real knock-out. Is one of you adopted? - For the longest time I lived with a

Spreading Ashes

An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will. She told her rabbi she had two final requests.

Never Tick off a Nurse!

A big shot executive had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses

Wrong Choice

The couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted

Strange and Funny Tombstones

Born 1903-Died 1942 Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car was on the way down. It was. ****************************** In

Jewish Bra

A man walked into the women's department of Macy's in New York City.He found a saleslady, and told

Things You Can't Say With a Hallmark Card

1. "Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife." 2. "I've always wanted

The Experiment

A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of alcohol, so

Custody of the Children

A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem. The

Fishing Buddies

At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady truck up a conversation and

The Letter

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything

New Boots

Sam and Bessie are senior citizens, and Sam has always wanted an expensive pair of alligator cowboy

Marriage Quotes

You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were

Redneck Divorce

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for

Christ in the Bathroom

A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused

Some Bumper Stickers Part 2

*Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal. *I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. *WANTED:

The Tables are Turned

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured

Oxymoronic Statements

Some people say that I'm superficial, but that's just on the surface. On one hand, I'm indecisive;

My Dog Named Sex

Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has

Things you would love to say out loud at work....

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of sh*t . 2. I don't know what your

Lawyers Are Full Of Bull

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's

Frying Eggs

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.

The Top 15 Biblical Ways To Acquire A Wife

Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new

Miss America

They wanted to allow divorced women to compete in the Miss America pageant. Was that a good idea? Do

Why Men Are Men and Women Are Women ...

Seems God was just about done with creating the universe but he had two extra things left over in

Osama Bin Laden Went to Heaven

After his death, Osama bin Laden went to heaven. There he was greeted by George Washington, who

Just Fred

A cop stops a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. Since he's in a good mood that

Two Priests

Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "I'd like

Top 11 Bumper Stickers You Would Like To See

Jesus loves you...but everyone else thinks you are an ass. Impotence...Nature's way of saying

Words for the Wise

1 . Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants. 2. Marriage changes

Tonto and the Lone Ranger

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar one day and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes,

Surgery

A mother of five decides to get plastic surgery on her privates so her husband can enjoy the snugness

Letter to a Nosey Mom

A mother enters her daughter's bedroom and sees a letter over the bed. With the worst premonition,

Painting a Couple of Rooms

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes

Convert

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan

Television Evangelical Show

randpa and grandma were watching the television evangelical show and the preacher said, if the viewers

Politicians Who Run Our Country

Here are some observations about the politicians who run our country. They are from a Washington, D.C.travel

53 ways to make a cop mad....

1. When you get pulled over, say "What's wrong, ossifer, there's no blood in my alcohol?" 2. When

Virus Warning: Missus

Description Missus manifests as a female humanoid providing cooking/cleaning features, and a sitting-room/TV

Donald Duck and Daisy

Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room. Donald wanted to have

Her Diary/His Diary

HER DIARY Saturday night I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to

Southern Farmer

A southern farmer got in his pickup and drove several miles to a neighboring farm and knocked on the

Curtain Rod

After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for a younger woman. The house was in his name

Sausages

There was this Asian lady married to an English gentleman and they lived in London. The poor lady

Email from God

God looked at earth and wanted to know what kind of behaviour that was going on. He decided to send

Bumper Stickers We'd Like To See:

18. If you can't feed 'em, don't breed 'em!" 17. Jesus loves you...but everyone else thinks

Test Tickle

A woman desperately looking for work went into a factory. The personnel manager looked over her resume

The Bear Family

Mama and Papa bear were splitting up, and baby bear had to decide who he was going to live with.

Bought A Porsche

A fifteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began to scream, "Where did you get

Top 25 Country and Western Songs of All Time

25. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye. 24. Her Teeth Was Stained, But

A Baseball Story

Jose is 17 years old and lives in Mexico. All his life he has wanted to see an American baseball game.

Valentine's Day Gift

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetie for Valentine's Day. As they had not been

Three Wishes from a Frog

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look

Work vs. Prison

IN PRISON...You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell. AT WORK....You spend most of your

Boots

A lady went into a bar in Austin and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the

Virus Alert

An entire new strain of viruses has just been uncovered and we wanted to get this information to you

Five Dollars

Bill Clinton took a jog near his new home in Chappaqua. And on each run, he happened to jog past a

Bridge To Hawaii

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed

Going to the Zoo

Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days. Finally his mother talked

Cell Phone

Jason wanted to get his blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary, but also something

Custer's Last Thoughts

An eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library wall, so he called an artist. Describing

Virgin's Tombstone

In a tiny village lived an old maid. In spite of her old age, she was still a virgin. She was very

Cat in Heaven

The Scene: The Pearly Gates to Heaven. St Peter is receptionist at the entrance. - A cat shows up.

Speeding

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer!"

Talking Dog

This guy sees a sign in front of a house "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells

Catching Cows

More than anything, Bob wanted to be a cowpoke. Taking pity on him, a rancher decided to hire the

The Blue Suit

Margaret is very upset as her husband Albert had just passed away. She went to the undertakers

The Cowboy

A cowboy walks into a bar in Texas, orders three mugs of beer and sits in the back room, drinking

Marriage One Liners

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. --Henny Youngman The best way

Biker Club

A little old lady wanted to join a biker club. She knocked on the door of a local biker club and a

No Sex

A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, "We have special requirements

Shooting a Goat

A city boy was visiting the country and wanted to go hunting. The farmer lent the boy his gun, telling

The Blonde and The Lawyer

A blonde who's down on her luck is walking through a luxurious neighbourhood looking for odd jobs to

Brain Transplant

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room where their family member lay gravely

Chili taster named Frank

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how TRUE this is! They actually have a chili

Dilbert Quotes Contest

A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes

What is Life?

A philosopher went into a closet for ten years to contemplate the question, What is life? When he came

Unintended Results

A chemistry instructor wanted to teach his ninth grade class about the evils of liquor, so he created

The Auction

One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on a parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he

The Corpses' Blue Suit

The widow takes a look at her dear departed one night before the funeral and, to her horror, finds

Saloon Pun

A sheriff walks into a saloon, and shouts for everyone's attention. "Has anyone seen Brown paper

A Cat in Heaven

A cat shows up at the Pearly gates of heaven. St. Peter says, "I know you! You were a very nice

Talking Baby

A baby was born with the ability to talk. The first thing he said when he was born was, "Are you

Dr. Laura Takes Out

A guy went to visit a friend at the hospital. His friend was all busted up and in several casts. After

One Less Lawyer

An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he called his lawyer. "I want to become

The Parrot from a Whorehouse

A woman wanted a pet so she went to the local pet shop. She looked at the dogs and the cats but finally

Little Johnny's Grandmother

Little Johnny and his grandmother were shopping in a department store. Little Johnny wanted to go

Two Coats

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes

All Booked Up

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of

Two Sweethearts

There were two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high school and were

Alligator Shoes

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes

Embarrassment

A very attractive young lady was sitting in a fine restaurant one night. Waiting for her date as

Gift Mix-Up

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, and as they had not been dating

Nasty Comment

A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the

Phone Call at Night

It's two o'clock in the morning and a husband and wife are asleep, when suddenly the phone rings.

Dinner Party

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for all the major status figures in Rome, Italy.

Lipstick Girls

A principal of a small middle school had a problem with a few of the older girls starting to use

Flying Lessons

A photographer from a well know national magazine was assigned to cover the fires at Yellowstone

The Genie

A man was walking along the beach and found a bottle. He looked around and didn't see anyone so

Ice Fishing

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting

Ugly Baby

A middle-aged couple, with two beautiful daughters, decided to try one last time for the son they always

There are no fish under the ice

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting