watch

DOS Beer: Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the directions carefully

US Presidential nominee Barack Obama may have beaten Hillary Clinton but he has lost a Gmail id by his

A man having trouble achieving an erection decides to consult a witch doctor.The witch doctor throws

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see

Michael Jordan made over $300,000 a game. That equals $10,000 a minute, at an average of 30 minutes per

Little Johnny watched the science teacher start the experiment with the worms.Four worms were placed

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party.She got a terrible headache and told her husband

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian

An elderly couple were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary, so they decided to return to the little

This couple goes to an agricultural show way out in the countryside a fine Sunday afternoon, & are watching

A married couple was watching the show, "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?" Atthe end of the show, the

A man suspected his wife of seeing another man. So, he hired a famous Chinese detective, Mee Lookee Yu,

Once there was this doctor that moved out to the country to become a farmer. He said to himself, "Well,

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, then catch them

A wealthy couple had plans to go to an evening ball. So they advised their butler that they were giving

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and

After gaining a small family inheritance, a redneck family was visiting a mall. The father and son were

RelationshipsWhen a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and

A husband and wife came for counseling after 20

An elderly couple walk into a fast food restaurant.

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari

Mark your calendar with the multitude of holidays

Mrs. Bacciagalupe comes to visit her son Anthony

A Florida couple, both well into their 80s, go

The Secretary of Defense is briefing President

One day, a priest decides to take a walk to the

What does Bjork do when she's horny? She watches

A blonde is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory.

A man having trouble achieving an erection decides

A little rabbit is running happily through the

One day a man walks into a tatoo parlor and tells

Three boys were sitting on some steps watching

Q: What do you call 40 guys watching the Super

This guy breaks into a house, and starts stealin

Yo mama so stupid, it took her two hours to watch

A blonde and a brunette are in a bar. As they order

James Bond walks intoa bar and takes a seat next

1. Gain weight. At least 30 pounds. 2. Stop exercising.

Dear Abby: My husband is a liar and a cheat. He

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop. Right away they

An Amish woman and her son are walking through

There is this old couple and they have been married

A plane is on its way to Houston when a blonde

There were two bums walkin down a road. They both

EXCITABLE : Shorts half twisted around, cannot

10. Splash on a little goat's blood. 9. Play romantic

An old farmer went to town to see a movie. The

One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and

One day a man walked in a bar with a box. He sat

The American Dairy Association was so successful

A husband is at home watching a football game when

A kid goes to his dad and asks, "Dad, what are

A lady and her baby get on a bus. The bus driver

You'd better watch out, You'd better not cry, You'd

yo' mamma is so fat last time she watched 90210

Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the

In a city park stood two statues, one female and

A guy was taking a new bus route for the first

An old farmer went to town to see a movie. The

Oil Change instructions for Women: Pull up to

Schizophrenia: Do You Hear What I Hear? Multiple

1. My fellow Americans, I have taken much into

Do you know how we can get Osama bin Laden? Lace

MONDAY 8:00 - "Husseinfeld" 8:30 - "Mad About Everything" 9:00

This guy walks into a bar near a concert hall with

Q. How do you annoy your girlfriend during sex? A.

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he

1. Hijack wheelchairs and speed around the hallways.

What's gross? German porn. What's grosser than

An old cowhand came riding into town on a hot,

"It was too bad I wasn't a second baseman; then

George Bush and his accomplice Dick Cheney were

Two retired professors were vacationing with their

10) My fellow Americans, I have been lying to you

A Jewish temple is looking for a way to get the

Two Yankees fans are on a train up to Boston to

"Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise

--That comment about Elton being "twice the woman"

1. Your salary is less than your tuition. 2. Your

Advantages 1. It can get really weird 2. Someone

OBJECTIVE To sit in a cubicle and stare at a monitor

"Husseinfeld" "Mad About Everything" "U.S. Military

Why don't women need watches? Because there's

There once was this group of strange beings called

I'M GLAD I'M A MAN I'm glad I'm a man, you better

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby

What did the redneck girl say when she woke up

Once upon a workday dreary, my stomach grumbled

A young man is wandering around the zoo looking

A blonde was at home watching TV with her friends

Never trust a dog to watch your food. - Patrick,

A man is sitting at a bar one night, wearing a

A young priest is unhappy with how little money

A newly married hillbilly couple decided they wanted

Two football players, Bubba and Tiny, were taking

The U.S. Government decided to take an experiment

One day, a farmer decides to buy a new rooster

How many actors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

An elderly couple are watching the 700 Club. The

One Sunday morning, a priest wakes up and decides

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were

1. People who point at their wrist while asking

I'll get a world record for this. Let me reach

What's 72? 69 with 3 people watching!

Once there was a guy that went in a whorehouse

One day a man walked in a bar with a box. He sat

An old farmer decided it was time to get a new

A guy had a date with this really hot blonde. He

A man was in the waiting room at the hospital,

A man walks into a bar next to an extremely hot

Adam and Eve were standing opposite to each other

This guy goes into a tattoo shop and requests to

What's the difference between a pickpocket and

A man and his wife were invited to a swanky masked

A guy who was in the Air Force had just spent a

The Alaska Department of Fish and Game recently

What does a redneck say before he gets injured?

1) Excitable -- Shorts half-twisted around, cannot

A blonde and a redhead met in a bar after work

One evening, a man was at home watching TV and

A women came home one day with a mirror and told

A rather confident young man walks into a bar and

This guy is standing outside on his balcony on

A man was shipwrecked with his dog and a sheep

A man died and went to straight down to hell. The

Jake was watching vigilantly at his dying wife's

A man goes to see the doctor and tells the doc

These two Scottish characters are chatting. One

Little Red Riding Hood was packing her things.

10) Collect potatoes. Paint faces on them and

Jesus and Moses went golfing. Jesus was about

Golfer: Notice any improvement since last year?

After an overnight flight to meet my father at

Ma and Pa are sitting out on the front porch one

One day, Mr. Phillard rushed his pregnant wife

What do you call a bunch of millionaires sitting

What are a typical redneck's three last words?

One time in heaven Saint Peter said to Jesus,

Jan.10 5:00 P.M. It's starting to snow. The

There was an elderly couple that went to McDonald's.

One day a boy and his mother were watching Cinemax

A midget is riding a bus when a blonde steps on

A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive

After working out in the gym, Bill, a gay man was

What is the difference between a pickpocket and

What is the difference between a jeweler and a

This is a true story about a recent wedding that

The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with

One sunny Saturday morning, the first of a twosome

Police: Why did you steal his watch? Thief:

Yo mama is so stupid that when we told her to go

What do David Beckham and a Cartier watch have

In the suburbs, there's grass. In the ghetto,

* Take shopping carts for the express purpose of

What advice does Cool Breeze give the fish?

Two guys were walking their dogs and came across

Once there was this man whose car broke down.

How many rednecks does it take to eat a possum?

Yo mama's so stupid it took her 2 hours to watch

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town,

A mystery-lover takes his place in the theater

you grind your coffee beans in your mouth. you

A guy runs into a bar and says, "Bartender, quick!

1. You wake up one morning to find you suddenly

What's the last thing a redneck says before he

1. You never run out of wheat 2. Those cool Saskatchewan

A guy walks into a restaurant and orders spaghetti.

Last 10 Things a Man Would Say: 10. I think Barry

A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender if

A beautiful young blond woman boards a plane to

One night a robber broke into a home and heard

There is this dumb blonde who likes animals, but

Ask for a seat for your imaginary friend Bobo.

One evening a mom and dad and two sons are watching

Two guys were working for the city. One would

1: Passionate kiss like spider's web. Soon lead

A man wanted to buy his wife a unique birthday

Once there was man named Jim, who let his dog out

Dan wakes up on Monday morning, staggers into the

One day, there was a cowboy riding a horse in the

One day an old man and his wife were sitting in

A guy walks into a bar with his pet dog. The

SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction,

(Sung to the tune of ''Deck The Halls'') Deck

A man that lives on a farm wakes up and goes outside

A man and his wife are stranded on a desert island.

* If the enemy is in range, so are you Incoming

Saturday 1:00 A.M. Alarm clock rings. 2:00

A guy goes to a nightclub and when the bouncer

Three men went into a stripper bar and this stripper

In prison you spend the majority of your time in

To my darling wife: During the past year,

These individual quotes were reportedly taken from

A woman goes into a restaurant in a small town

As he is quietly watching television at home, a

It's a really hot day and this penguin is having

Woman: Attempt to wake husband. Feed baby. Make

Man who drop watch in toilet bound to have shitty

When an attractive young girl returned from her

There was an old couple lying in bed watching TV

Bill Clinton calls his intern. ''Come into the

What did the baby digital watch say to the mommy

Yo' mama so poor, her checks bounce more than the

Yo' mama so fat, she wears two watches -- one for

How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't —

You might be a redneck if your dog can't watch

She is so blonde that it takes her two hours to

Yo mama's so fat, she wears a watch on each arm,

You might be a redneck if anyone in your family

Larry, a local football star, is jogging down the

A funeral service is being held in a synagogue

Every day I give thanks to the Goddess: I have

Twas the Night before Christmas, and all through

Little Johnny, on a day when he was being particularly

As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I can get

    NBC 8:00 Friends 8:30

A panda walks into a bar. He sits down, and asks

A cab driver reaches the Pearly Gates and announces

Members of Congress...people of America....I banged

I called a company and asked to speak to Bob.

Due to widespread panic about the Y2K bug, Internet

Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically

   As you grow older, what lost

An old man in Mississippi is sitting on his front

A little old lady buys a pair of parrots, but cannot

A mother was walking down the hall when she heard

A women desperately looking for work goes into

First and foremost, we are not obligated to do

Two cowboys are leanin' up against the rail at

After a Christmas break, a teacher asked her young

A guy is standing at a urinal when he notices that

A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an

1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well-lighted

Two statues stood in a city park: one female and

Let's watch Lifetime! Sex is overrated. I don't

13> "None for me, thanks.  That

You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore. Your

    Yes, it's hard to believe, but

    A guy is sitting at a bar in

A newlywed couple just moved into their new house.

A guy goes into a tattoo parlor and asks for a

    A young man just got a new job

    Stupid people should have to

$ Michael Jordan having "retired,"

There once was a farmer who was raising 3 daughters

An old guy walks into a bar and asks for a bottle

A poor minister was having trouble managing his

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town,

Which Valentine's Day gift would you like? To determine

A couple, both age 67, went to a sex therapist's

1. In the company of females, intercourse

Run one lap around the office at top speed

John invited his mother over for dinner. During

ASTROLOGY: tells us about you and your future

No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize

"Husseinfeld" "Mad About Everything" "U.S. Military

If you want someone who will bring you the paper without first tearing it apart to remove the sports

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED: 1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats. 2)

Joe Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock (MADE IN JAPAN ) for 6am . While his coffeepot

A brash young man strolls into a bar and takes a seat next to a stunningly attractive woman. He gives

In California Unleaded gas went to $4.00 a gallon last Thursday. Sister Mary Ann, who worked for

After his legs had been broken in an accident, Mr. Miller sued for damages, claiming that he was

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself ~~'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.' --

Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak. But all

Never buy a 'new' brand of beer because 'it was on sale.' If we're in the backyard and the TV in

That's a bit expensive just for a dare isn't it? I saw a dress just like that one in Woolworths

A very traditional elderly woman was enjoying a good game of bridge with her girlfriends one evening.

A redneck farmer from back in the hills walked twelve miles, one way, to the general store. "Heya,

One day George was betting on the ponies nearly losing his shirt, when he noticed a priest who had

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall

After a day fishing on Lake Michigan, a fisherman is walking from the pier carrying two brown trout

1. They start paying everyone in sea shells. 2. The Dairy Queen on the corner is threatening a hostile

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of the Granville Presbyterian

A young girl from Ireland leaves home to find work in the bright lights of London. She comes home

Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome. One has a cross in front of him; the other

A lady is throwing a party for her granddaughter, and had gone all out..... a caterer, band, and a

A hillbilly was making his first visit to a hospital where his teenage son was about to have an operation. Watching

A priest and a rabbi are walking down the street together, and they both want a drink, but they have

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.'

1. You must first learn to pronounce the city name, it is L. A. 2. The morning rush hour is from

This guy walks into a bar wearing a Lion jersey and carrying a little dog that also has a Lion jersey

A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place. A

What, you ask, is "Butt dust?" Read on and you'll discover the joy in it! These have to be original

Bobby-Joe was riding in Jeds truck Jed pulled over, got out and pointed down yawnder and said, "Thats

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with

A five year old boy comes to visit his grandparents and notices his grandfather sitting on the porch,

An elderly couple was watching television one evening. The wife said, "I am going to get a dish of

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of a small Florida church found

your breasts must think i'm good lookin cause they keep lookin at me. Hey baby, you keep running

1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them. 2. Having sex in a twin bed is out

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that,

Some retired deputy sheriffs went to a retreat in the mountains. To save money, they decided to sleep

Dear Mrs. Fenton, Over the past six months, your husband, Mr. Bill Fenton has been causing quite

In light of the rising frequency of human - grizzly bear conflicts, the Alaska Department of Fish

Married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment,

Pretty soon, I won't be able to do anything except sit in my chair and read! I must send my thanks

Young Chuck, moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver

A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie. The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes. The

I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court. I noticed an old man watching a teenager

Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people

Investment tips for 2006.... for all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers

A Georgia State Trooper pulled a car over on I-95 about 2 miles south of the Georgia/South Carolina

Grandpa watched Tommy pull a worm out of the ground and told him that he would give him 10 bucks if

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. He played with his toys in her bedroom while

For those of you who are not "fortunate" enough to live in California, here is a copy of the California

A Somali arrives in Minneapolis as a new immigrant to the United States. He stops the first person

1. Gain weight. At least 30 pounds. 2. Stop exercising. Waste of time. 3. Read less. Makes you

One beautiful December evening Pepito and his girlfriend Pepita were sitting by the side of the ocean.

It was last Wednesday night, and I was sitting in my room watching television when the phone rang. "Hello?" A

1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear? 2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Queens

A company had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Management said, "Someone might steal from

A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event, hosted by a local liberal arts college.

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he called his grandson to his bed. "Grandson I wanna you lisin

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: 1 October 2005 RE: Christmas

The coach had put together the perfect team for the New Orleans Saints. The only thing missing was

A young fellow at the state fair stood watching an old Indian. Above the old Indian was a sign that

Save all manner of bacon grease. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let

Dear Husband: I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been

Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says "Where in the hell have you been?" He

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing and concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3

A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100.00. The farmer

A father watched his daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent

A couple in their nineties are BOTH having problems remembering things. They decide to go to the doctor

From : Managing Director To : Executive Director "Tomorrow morning there will be a total eclipse

NUDITY I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched with horror as her ball headed directly towards

* Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong. * Keep skunks and bankers and

This happened about a month ago just outside a little town in the bayou country of Louisiana, and

The power mower was broken and wouldn't run. A lady kept hinting to her husband that he should get

Old Farmer Went To Town To See A Movie The Ticket Agent Asked, "sir, What's That On Your Shoulder?"

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back,

Recently while going through an airport during one of his many trips, President Bush encountered a

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years. One night, during one

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the

A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the

John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Georgia. After

This married couple was sitting in a fine restaurant when the wife looks over at a nearby table and

Who said men don't remember anniversaries? A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband

SCHIZOPHRENIA: Do you Hear What I Hear? MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER: We Three Kings Disoriented

You Know You've Had Too Much Christmas Cheer When... 1. You notice your tie sticking out of your

A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place. A

Some of us Southerners are pretty skeptical of horoscopes and the people that read them. If we are

Accountant - Someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing. Auditor - Someone

A Russian and an Newfoundland wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic Gold medal. Before the

Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Congress said

Ralph returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours

1. Jesse Jackson, Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called "Ministers

For those of you who are not "fortunate" enough to live in California, here is a copy of the California

A blonde was hunched over the bar, toothpick in hand, spearing futilely at the olive in her drink.

A girl was visiting her blonde friend who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names

I'm worried that I'm losing my wife's love," the husband told the counselor. "Has she started to

Seems God was just about done with creating the universe but he had two extra things left over in

A married couple was watching volleyball game at a beach when the wife spotted a couple in the bleachers.

How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened when she brings it. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Why

A woman was on the witness stand, accused of poisoning her husband. "After you put poison in the

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as

This year, I resolve to ... 1. Gain weight. At least 30 pounds. 2. Stop exercising. Waste of time. 3.

Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad. Canadians: Are rather indignant about

Last year, when the power mower was broken and wouldn't run, I kept hinting to my husband that he

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly

Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them. Having sex in a twin bed is out

I hope that this will once again confirm that the most important information in your life won't come

Little Johnny watched the science teacher start the experiment with the worms. Four worms were

Warning on a bottle of drain cleaner: "If you do not understand, or cannot read, all directions,

A Russian and an American wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic Gold Medal. Before the final

1. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever! Unless you actually

Cinderella is now 95 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits

Some of us Southerners are pretty skeptical of horoscopes and the people that read them. If we are

Clem pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Jed where he'd first had sex. "It

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "10 lamb

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful (and intelligent) pet dachshund

A man had a ticket for the theater but when he was seated by the usher, he found that he was just

randpa and grandma were watching the television evangelical show and the preacher said, if the viewers

Two cars were waiting at a stoplight. The light turned green, but the man didn't notice it. A woman

1. When you get pulled over, say "What's wrong, ossifer, there's no blood in my alcohol?" 2. When

Description Missus manifests as a female humanoid providing cooking/cleaning features, and a sitting-room/TV

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo Project, it took the astronauts to a Navajo reservation in

This is a test for men only and all "real men" will answer "C" to all of these questions. However,

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not live forever, because

Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an

SUNDAY: 0800 - My 33 Sons 0830 - Osama Knows Best 0900 - I Dream of Mohammed 0930 - Let's

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door.

HER DIARY Saturday night I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to

Proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night the drunk led the way

A guy went to a psychiatrist because he was having severe problems with his sex life. The psychiatrist

A jumbo jet is just coming into the Toronto Airport on it's final approach. The pilot comes on the

This is a compilation of actual Church Bulletins and Service bloopers... Our next song is "Angels

A little old couple walked slowly into a McDonalds one cold winter evening. They looked out of place

A little country boy was sitting on the curb with a quart of turpentine and just shaking it all up;

ABBOT: Ultimate Super Duper Computer Store. Can I help you? COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up

18. If you can't feed 'em, don't breed 'em!" 17. Jesus loves you...but everyone else thinks

A woman desperately looking for work went into a factory. The personnel manager looked over her resume

A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, "What'll

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of

These questions about Canada were posted on an international tourism website and obviously the answers

Your coworker has 8 body piercing and none are visible. You make over $300,000 and still can't

Clem pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Jed where he'd first had sex. "It was

Dear Diary: Day 1 Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When

Jose is 17 years old and lives in Mexico. All his life he has wanted to see an American baseball game.

NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial

A man and a beautiful woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress (taking another

IN PRISON...You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell. AT WORK....You spend most of your

An old farmer had owned a large farm for several years and in the back forty it had a nice pond,

A young woman who had been married for several years was growing more and more frustrated at her husband's

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife

10. Golfer: Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake! Caddy: Think you can keep your head down

A man returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have

This lady is giving a party for her granddaughter, and has gone all out. She had a caterer, band,

In a city park stood two statues, one female and the other male. These two statues faced each other

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around looking for valuables and when

A married man goes to confessional and tells the priest, "I had an affair with a woman - almost." The

The Scene: The Pearly Gates to Heaven. St Peter is receptionist at the entrance. - A cat shows up.

A young fellow at the state fair stood watching an old Indian. Above the old Indian was a sign that

A policeman was patrolling a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw

Little Johnny sees that his friend at school has a new watch so he asks him how he got it. "I

A lecturer teaching medicine was tutoring a class on 'Observation'. He took out a jar of yellow-coloured

One afternoon while doing some work in the garden I noticed my dog dragging something under the fence.

The Saudi Ambassador to the UN has just finished giving a speech, and walks out into the lobby where

As a mother passed her daughter's closed bedroom door,she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from

An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the

A Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face. "Say Mom, why is my bigger

A farmer in the country noticed that a gentleman would fish at the lake (close to the farmer's house)

Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and

A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives

This woman goes to a pet store to purchase some dog food. She puts the bag of food up on the counter

A couple were golfing one day on a very exclusive golf course, lined with million-dollar houses.

..she sent me a fax with a stamp on it ...she thought a quarterback was a refund ...she tried to

A local preacher was dissatisfied with the small amount in the collection plates each Sunday. Someone

A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,HONEY, COULD YOU FIX

A blonde and a redhead were watching the 6:00 news when a story came up about a man who was threatening

St Peter is standing at heaven's gate when a man walks up. "Welcome to heaven my son. What did you

A fellow stopped at a rural gas station and after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft

A guy walks into a bar and asks for three beers. The bartender puts them up and then watches the guy

By the time John pulled into the little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room

The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques

A cat shows up at the Pearly gates of heaven. St. Peter says, "I know you! You were a very nice

A circus owner walked into a shop to see everyone crowded around a table watching a little show. On

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and

A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald's. He noticed that they had ordered

Three Kiwis and three Aussies are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three Aussies

A Mexican newspaper reports that bored Royal Air Force pilots stationed on the Falkland Islands have

There was a preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance that he could get, he could be found on the

A crusty old marine corps colonel found himself at a gala event downtown, hosted by a local liberal

Three business men were sitting in a bar, drinking and discussing how stupid their wives were. The

A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell

Three women who work in the same office notice that their female boss has started leaving work early

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop somewhere in Washington DC. Picking through the objects

A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she cut off a truck driver.

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes

A defendant was on trial for murder in Oklahoma. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there

Hank was amazed at the length of the funeral procession going down Main Street. Watching awhile he

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party. The wife came down with a terrible headache

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw,

The old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The local sheriff watched from his

A woman was cleaning her attic with her cat by her side for company. Amongst the boxes and old papers

A man suspected his wife was seeing another man, so he hired the famous Chinese detective, Chen