which

DOS Beer: Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the directions carefully

On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said: "Sir, do you realize your wife fell

A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write

Enough with the Poking, Lets Just Have Sex He pokes her, she pokes him, they poke each other back

One day Bill Gates finally dies and goes to Heaven. Upon reaching the pearly white gates, he sees Saint

A man was in a long line at Target. As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms,

Granddad pulls out a beer and the little boy says, "Grandpa, can I have one of those?"Grandpa says "Is

A Man is carrying two babies, one in each arm. While waiting for a trainAlong come this woman and seeing

The man came home drunk at four in the morning, and his wife was all over him, yelling at him, crying

A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage

A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions

The teacher, in an attempt to stimulate their minds, asked the class the following question, " What is

I stopped at a fast food restaurant recently. I was fascinated by a sign which offered fat free french

A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!"I grabbed my stuff,

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.He breaks into a house to look for money and

A wife arrived home from a shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed naked, with a

Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new home. It's fun to cook for Tim. Today I made an angel

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats

There was this little boy about 12 years old walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a

Three guys died and went to heaven. St Paul was there looking down at the three of them, one is a reknowned

The class was very noisy just now because there wasn't any teacher, but now everyone suddenly turned

A young man called John died and he went to Heaven to begin his afterlife journey. However, he was stopped

A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoys sex more. The man

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass

Qn: Why is fish cunning ?Ans: cos yu pian mi fen (fish lie to bee hoon)Qn: What animal falls down the

Dirty Little Matt is sitting in the back of math class, obviously not paying any attention, when the

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's.He shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter

The young clerk's responsibilities included bringing the judge a hot cup of coffee at the start of every

A man is having problems with his dick, which certainly had seen better times. He consults a doctor who,

A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous & sexy young

At a seminar called "Stress and Disease" by Dr. Nickolas Hall, an expert in psychobiology, gave an example

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theater. When the usher came by and noticed

A shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected

John had just won first prize at a cat show and had received a 10-day cruise to the Puerto Rico. The

Baby Ryan was a nearly Two Year old Boy. He has been to train to inform his mom whenever he want to pee.So

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and

John was talking to his fiancée, Rebecca, and he said, "Be honest, now, baby. How am I as a lover?"To

A guy was seated next to a 10-year-old girl on

A little girl and her dog are walking through the

An elderly lady phoned her telephone company to

Two little potatoes are standing on the street

1. How many trarlokks does it take to trokkclap

Two atoms are walking down the road and one exclaims,

A rather attractive woman goes up to the register

A teacher asks her class, ââ,¬Å"If there

A guy was speeding down the road when suddenly

Secretaries Powell and Rumsfeld are sitting in

One morning, a man got on an elevator on the fourth

Little Johnny was in class when the teacher asked,

There was a farmer who grew watermelons. He was

Cindy Lou Edleman Performs Quality Sexual Favors

An Amish woman and her son are walking through

An airline's passenger cabin was being served by

Why did the chicken cross the road? Part of a

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus

Two nuns from France were coming to New York.

Bill Gates meets Hugh Grant at a Hollywood party.

A frenchman walks into a bar, smiles at the landlord

Why did the Post Office have to recall its series

This week, the Bush administration finally released

Ignoring the fact that George Bush declined Saddam

An executive was stessed out. He had to fire one

Bush and Osama decided to settle the war once and

If there were 4 potatoes in a room, which one would

I saw an interview in which an expert on military

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The American Dairy Association was so successful

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods,

A husband and wife entered the dentist's office.

1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon

Traditional Capitalism: You have two cows. You

A husband is at home watching a football game when

Yo mama so ugly, when she was in labor the doctor

My genitals are so gigantic, and yours so woefully

A man goes to a restaurant, orders some takeout,

A man goes to Spain and attends a bullfight. Afterwards

It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered

A husband and wife, out enjoying a round of golf,

Three Americans were up against a very large Russian

Questions and answers selected from tests in Springdale,

At a nursing home in Florida, a group of senior

I hate aspects of this time of year. Not for its

1. My fellow Americans, I have taken much into

1) Pretend to be one of the Bush family. Doesn't

You're so ugly, when you were born, the doctor

Which branch of the military do babies join? The

A jumbo-sized freshman went to try out for the

"It was too bad I wasn't a second baseman; then

Two retired professors were vacationing with their

Joke from our friends in India... Once as Laloo

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." ...George

A man from Atlanta moved to New York. As he wandered

I think that I shall never see a hazard rougher

1. Your salary is less than your tuition. 2. Your

Don't Say This to Your New Girlfriend's Parents... 1.

A question had appeared in a student's medical

Two blondes are shopping at the mall. When they

One day a blonde and a redhead were playing together

Q: How can you tell if a blonde is a redneck? A:

A business man is trying to find a potental wife.

Late one Friday in Dublin, a policeman spotted

A cop pulls over a car that's been swerving across

This woman is rushed to the hospital in critical

A man jumps off a building at the same time that

A man moved into a new apartment, and he decided

An American cowboy was traveling in England and

Three Americans were up against a very large Russian

A blonde working in the coffin industry was thinking

1) Large, loft-style apartments in New York City

Three Doctors are dicussing which types of patients

Q: There is a house. The front is facing south

A traveling salesman checked into a futuristic

A man strolls into a pharmacy and asks the assistant

There once was a young man named Billy Bob. Now,

Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their

Start with a cage containing five monkeys. In the

Dr. Schambaugh, of the University of Oklahoma School

A man dies and goes to Hell. The devil greets him. "You

One Sunday, a priest asked one of the church janitor

Christmas was just around the corner, and a father

There was a Irishman, Mexican, and a blond guy,

Albert Einstein used to go to dinners where he

A wealthy wife and husband were leaving to go to

A man on a plane asked the stewardess if he could

How do you know when you have a true redneck girl?

1. People who point at their wrist while asking

I'll get a world record for this. Let me reach

Some time ago President Clinton was hosting a state

From: General Manager To: Departmental

Your mama is so dumb when she was pulled over for

Which is faster, hot or cold? Hot -- because you

What were Michael Jackson's baby's first words?

"You remind me of a famous movie star." "Really?

A man was in a bad accident and was injured. But

There was a guy on a golf course that he had never

One day a man and his wife went golfing, as they

A man walks into a bar and sees a large chest of

Which Search Engine does Arnold Schwarzenegger

Once there were two twins, Joe and John. Joe was

One fall day Bill was out raking leaves when he

There was an old woman on a plane, sitting next

The European Union commissioners have announced

Three tampons are walking down the street, a small

If you throw a party, the worst thing you can do

What if Data Ran Windows98? WORF: Captain, there

There was a man named Benny who loved to take

There are two lesbians and two gay guys. Both

A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel.

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus

It's the year 2389, and martian and earth couples

The preacher was very distraught after the death

A woman walks into a bank in New York City and

A woman walks into a restaurant and sits down.

1. Throughly clean the toilet. 2. Add the required

A mathematician, a philosopher, and a blonde all

A very sick man is in the hospital, and on many

A city girl was driving back to town after attending

A guy went to the doctor to quit smoking, and the

Q: What is your date of birth? A: July fifteenth.

A man died and went to straight down to hell. The

One day, there's a man and his wife driving along

A man walks into a bar with three little ducks

A guy decides it's time he got married. He gives

A young woman experienced car trouble late one

There once was a lady who was tired of living alone.

Q: There were two gay men and two lesbians moving

One day Bill complained to his friend that his

MEMORANDUM RE: Computer Software Warning Last

(which in our society means over 25) An older

One day MR. GOODBAR was feeling horny. So he went

Once there was a farmer. He had two teenage sons.

A rich lady gives her butler the night off because

Once a lady wanted to leave the U.S.A. but couldn't

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.

When women see a ''caution'' sign, they carefully

One day there were four people absent from class.

One day a guy walked into a pet store to buy a

One day Gary Condit's wife died and went to heaven,

Jan.10 5:00 P.M. It's starting to snow. The

Following a tragic boating accident, a husband

In a pod of whales, how can you tell which one

1. Ride mechanical horses with coins fished out

Things a Man Would Do if He Woke up with a Vagina 10.

One day Stan comes home from a hard day at work.

1. Everybody assumes you're an asshole 2. Racism

Rule One: I am aware that it is concidered fashionable

Why do dinosaurs have to wear hats? So their wives

One sunny Saturday morning, the first of a twosome

1) How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

What do you call a West Virginian which a sheep

Slash, a well-known murderer, had been on death

One day a man is walking along the beach and sees

A young man and a young woman were soon to be married,

One day, a man had an accident at work, which resulted

Q: Two blondes are standing on top of the Empire

A comedian, new to the profession, is looking for

There was this man who really had to go to the

Always take the time to smell the roses... and

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison.

A man was sprawled across three entire seats in

Once upon a time there lived a woman in Brampton

If an electric train is heading north, which way

A woman is sitting at a bar, enjoying an after

In the beginning was the Plan. And then came

Two guys both have 9 a.m. appointments at a vasectomy

Two drivers came to a bridge over which only one

Mr. Johnson, a businessman from Wisconsin, went

Dearest John, I went to the door today and the

Two potatoes are walking down the street. One

A blonde went to go get her haircut wearing pair

Fred, Bob, and Mike were driving down the street

Q: Which is harder to make? A blonde, brunette

Two hookers were riding around town with a sign

A woman pregnant with her first child paid a visit

I'm currently running the latest version of GirlFriend

A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender if

A husband, proving to his wife that women talk

A man was sitting at the bar in a watering hole

A nurse was on duty in the emergency department,

There are approximately two billion children (persons

Betty & Tim were killed in an auto accident on

A guy who has a stuttering problem says to his

A Russian couple were walking down a street in

Out of Bill Clinton and George W. Bush, which one

This is actually a true story that happened to

A newlywed couple had just arrived in their honeymoon

A farmer has to go out to plow his rental field

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful

The privacy partition in the confessional booth

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's

Did you hear that former President Clinton is buying

For the first time in, oh, a decade, I think, something

A couple has been together for thirty years and

A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates.

Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out

Two drunks are at a bar, drinking up a storm. One

Two men drive into a car wash. Which one is the

One day Reverend Smith went to visit Mrs. Jenkins,

A man walks into a bar with a pork pie on his head.

Bill Gates dies, and ascends to the Pearly Gates

If Ted Kennedy, Dan Quayle, Bob Packwood, and Bill

I did not kill my lovely wife. I did not slash

In prison you spend the majority of your time in

To my darling wife: During the past year,

A man was digging in his garden, when his shovel

If Oracle made toasters... They'd claim their

Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful

Five men and one woman wash up on a desert island

Two blondes were shopping at the mall. When they

A man came home from work to find his girlfriend

Once, a long, long time ago, in a small village

Two sperm are walking down the street. How do

It's the first day of school, and the teacher announces

A teacher asks her class, "If there are five birds

A man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy

A survey of top personnel executives of 100 major

Once there were two best friends, named Fred and

Q: Why did the post office recall the new lawyer

    There is a man who has three girlfriends,

    One day many years ago, a fisherman's

A milkman was delivering on his round when he came

A new guy in town walks into a bar and notices

At the 1994 annual awards dinner given for Forensic

A madam opened the brothel door to see an elderly

One day a group of eminent scientists got together

Teacher: "Four crows are on the fence. The

1. Life is sexually transmitted. 2. Two wrongs

Members of Congress...people of America....I banged

      AT&T fired President John

Intelligence Test Instructions: Write each of

Joe was moderately successful in his career, but

Bill was in the hospital for a complete check-up.

1. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

Ethel is a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and

This is from an actual trial in the UK.    

The following letters were taken from an actual

    A few months ago, there was

In the human body, which organ is in charge? All

A man who was a little slow was visiting his wife

This guy walks into a bar down in Alabama and orderes

Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group discussing

1) You define summer as three months of bad

A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign hanging

Will the Real Dummy Please Stand Up?! AT&T

But Doctor, You HAVE To! In Turkey, Mehmet Esirgen, 52,

BETTER HOLD ON TO THOSE PANTIES...THEY COULD COME

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates

Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher

Joe woke up one morning with an enormous boner

A man and his wife entered a dentist's office.

I did not do it in a car I did not do it

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a

    Psychologists have discovered

    DETROIT--With third-quarter

Two guys were hiking in the mountains when they

    A herd of buffalo can only move

A blonde and a both jump off a cliff at the same

Four college alumni were climbing a mountain one

    Curators at India's Baroda Museum

Why did the chicken cross the road? KINDERGARTEN

Remember the book "Men are from Mars, Women are

Which Valentine's Day gift would you like? To determine

There has been a recent discovery among archives

Listen my children, and you shall hear Of

    'Twas the night before Christmas

For a couple years I've been blaming it on iron

1. In the company of females, intercourse

People are always on the lookout for a new diet.

    For all you guys out there who

John invited his mother over for dinner. During

ASTROLOGY: tells us about you and your future

Introductory Chemistry at Duke has been taught

Our Rights: The following was written by State

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's,

A Redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery.

This is not meant to be crude. It is strictly for

Three guys died and when they got to the pearly

A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two

Some of the finest quotes from the Honorable Marion

A Polish man was taking a flight on a commercial

One day, Jeffrey complained to his friend, "My

An elderly lady phoned her telephone company to report that her telephone failed to ring when her

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver

There are many stories related to the sinking of the "Titanic." Some have just come to light due to

A man walks into a bar, he sees two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. He asks the barman, "Why

A young Chinese couple get married. She's a virgin, and truth be told he's a virgin too, but she

Find out what those dating terms really mean ATTRACTION..... the act of associating horniness with

A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crab. A female crew member took the

BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a CHANGE! The chicken

Genuine extracts from Letters Sent to Landlords: I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle

You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and

Next time you have a bad day at work...think of this guy: Rob is a commercial saturation diver for

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "What human body part increases to ten

Irish greyhound racing authorities have banned trainers from giving dogs the anti-impotence drug Viagra

I was in the Express Lane at the store, quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said,

The George W Bush Presidential Lie-berry is now in the planning stages. You'll want to be the first

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's

Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak. But all

Katie Couric, Charlie Gibson, Brian Williams and a tough old US Marine Sergeant were captured by

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a client

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator? The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator,

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned

There are many stories related to the sinking of the "Titanic." Some have just come to light due to

A nun was in a hurry on her way to her job at the local Catholic Charity Hospital when her car suddenly

A minister concluded that his church was getting into serious financial troubles. Coincidentally,

One day George was betting on the ponies nearly losing his shirt, when he noticed a priest who had

A tour bus driver drives with a bus full of Sun City Christmas Shopper Seniors down a highway, when

A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened Then

A US Air Force C-141 is scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland at midnight. During the pilot's

An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new

Four college friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to go up to Dallas

You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a 'drop off', (The ground is 18-20

Customer: Hi. How much is your paint? Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things. Customer:

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the

1. What are you thinking about? 2. Do you love me? 3. Do I look fat in this? 4. Do you think

Woman's Quote of the Day: "Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined

Have You Ever Been Guilty Of Looking At Others Your Own Age And Thinking, "surely I Can't Look

A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls. They

King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with

"So let me get this straight," the prosecutor says to the defendant, "you came home from work early

An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that

(Actual letter from an Iowa resident and sent to his senator) The Honorable Tom Harkin 731 Hart

An eighty year old man was having an annual physical. As the doctor was listening to his heart with

A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch

Some time ago Mr. Clinton was hosting a state dinner when at the last minute his regular cook took

TO: MR. JAMES THATCHER, BRAND MANAGER, PROCTER & GAMBLE. Dear Mr. Thatcher, I have been a loyal

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's

An elderly couple, Ray and Bessie, are "snowbirds" in Texas. Ray had always wanted a pair of authentic

Dear Internal Revenue Service: Enclosed you will find my 2006 tax return showing that I owe $3,407.00 in

A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the

A highly timid little man, ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, "Um,

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may

Titanic was about to sink. People on the ship were shouting, crying, running and praying to God - just

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his

Hang on to any of the new State of Alabama quarters. If you have them; they may be worth much more

At Heathrow Airport in England, a 300 ft. red carpet was stretched out to Air Force One and President

A contestant on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" had reached the final plateau. If she answered the

A Hawaii woodpecker and a California woodpecker were arguing about which place had the toughest trees.

Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which, by mistake, happened to end up in a man's head.

A redneck goes to a pharmacist and says, " I got a hot date tonight, an' I need me some pertection.

In a small town in alabama, joe bob decides it's time for his cousin, 19 year-old Billy Bob, to learn

An elderly patient needed a heart transplant and discussed his options with his doctor. The doctor

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow?

# 10 Life is sexually transmitted. # 9 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which

I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy."

The wife comes home early and finds her husband in their master bedroom making love to a beautiful,

You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a valley and on your right side

Mike Tyson gets out of jail and proceeds to do what he does best... find a woman with whom he may

Recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex: The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. This

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought

A contestant on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire" had reached the final plateau. If she answered the

Pretty soon, I won't be able to do anything except sit in my chair and read! I must send my thanks

You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track. Logic is a systematic method

The Washington Post asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting,

Here's a prime example of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus" offered by an English professor

Ma was in the kitchen fiddlin around when she hollars out... "Pa you need to fix the outhouse!" Pa

According to the FBI, most modern-day bank robberies are "unsophisticated and unprofessional crimes,"

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact

Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder

We've all had the annoying experience of calling up a hotline and waiting on the phone for eons to

This guy walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a freakin' checking

California Vinters in the Napa Valley area. which primarily produces Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and

1. A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired. 2. What's the definition of a will? (It's

Life isn't like a box of chocolates; it's more like a jar of jalapenos: you never know what's going

WASHINGTON, D.C. - A white house source stated that Congress is considering awarding Vice-President

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking and one blonde says to the other, "Which

BACHELOR: A guy who has avoided the opportunity to make some woman miserable. BRIDE: A woman

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats

Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring another bull onto the ranch,

No matter what you do or where you go, you're always going to be yourself. And Panexa knows this. Your

I really wanted to send out some sort of holiday greeting but it is so difficult in today's world to

Bush and Osama decided to settle the war once and for all. They sat down and decided to settle the

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: 1 October 2005 RE: Christmas

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself

TO: Honorable Secretary of Agriculture Washington, D.C. Dear Sir, My friend, Buba Peterson,

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage

John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called pullets

A Texas family of football supporters head out one Saturday to the outlet mall to do their tax-free

A big corporation recently hired several cannibals in the interest of cultural diversity. You are

An elderly man goes into his doctors office for an annual physical. After a while, the doctor comes

Name of Boyfriend/Fiancé/Husband: I request permission for a leave of absence from the highest

A cowboy and a biker are on death row, and are to be executed on the same day. The day comes, and they

Customer: Hi. How much is your paint? Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things. Customer:

--Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife

1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared

From : Managing Director To : Executive Director "Tomorrow morning there will be a total eclipse

If Recipes were like tax forms.... * Line 1. Butter, a minimum of half a pound (8 oz.), but not

1. Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found 2. hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works

Born 1903-Died 1942 Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car was on the way down. It was. ****************************** In

Commandment 1. Marriages are made in heaven. But so again are thunder and lightning. Commandment

In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft;

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds

Differential Theory of US Armed Forces (Snake Model) upon encountering a snake in the Area of Operations

I would not say that the future is necessarily less predictable than the past. I think the past was

Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to get his wife's test results. The lab technician says to

How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?" Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day

Enclosed is my 2005 Form 1040, together with payment. Please take note of the attached article from

Two guys were walking in the woods one day, and they all of a sudden came across a bear. The bear noticed

Michael and his wife live in Minnesota. One winter morning while listening to WCCO, they hear the announcer

One day a fella was driving home when he suddenly realized that it was his daughter's birthday and

A groom and his newlywed wife go to the Hilton on their honeymoon. They check in at the front, and

To the citizens of the United States of America: In the light of your failure to elect a competent

Bubba Joe's first military assignment was to a military induction center, and--because he was a good

[The year would not be complete without the Darwin Awards - awarded every year to the persons who

A minister was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas. After the plane was airborne, drink orders

The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as

A man fell asleep on the beach.He woke up several hours later and suffered a severe sunburn to his

*Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal. *I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. *WANTED:

I. There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa

George Carlin Speaks Out... I Am Your Worst Nightmare. I am a BAD American. I am George Carlin. I

An overweight blonde consulted her doctor for advice. The doctor advised that she run 10 miles a day

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured

"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand." Woody

Hang on to any of the new State of Arkansas quarters. If you have them, they may be worth much more

Accountant - Someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing. Auditor - Someone

Once again, The Washington Post published its yearly contest in which readers are asked to supply

A wife arrived home from a shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed naked, with

This is how today's media would have reported the Normandy invasion to free those living under German

Whitey was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers called pullets and

Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide. The first guy says to the second

WASHINGTON, DC (AP) - Congress approved sweeping legislation, which provides new benefits for many

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's

A teacher asks her class, ''If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how

A man decides to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the

The story behind the letter below is that there is this nutball in Newport, Rhode Island named Scott

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me.

A team of American and British archaeologists was excavating in Israel when they came upon a cave.

Attached is some correspondence which actually occurred between a London hotel's staff and one of

I once received a fax with a note on the bottom to fax the document back to the sender when I was

Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out.... "Pa, You need to go out and fix the

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as

Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad. Canadians: Are rather indignant about

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally

An elderly lady phoned her telephone company to report that her telephone failed to ring when her friends

Dear Tech Support: Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slow down

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the present time, it is worth reflecting on

RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE WITH THE FOLLOWING QUALIFICATIONS: 1. WON'T

Historical information you need to know about shipping Manure: In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything

Played a round of golf with the local course pro for some helpful tips. After playing the first

Essential NEW WORDS FOR 2004 editions for the work-place vocabulary: BLAMESTORMING Sitting around

This is the best lawyer story of the year, decade, and probably the century. A Charlotte, NC, lawyer

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals had a habit

The day finally arrived; Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St.

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. Gardening

A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff,

Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids. Never take life seriously.

Hang on to any of the new Newfoundland quarters. If you have them, they may be worth much more than

1. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever! Unless you actually

Cinderella is now 95 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits

We are sick and tired of hearing about how dumb people in the South are. We challenge any so-called

In a small town in Tennessee, Big Bubba decides it's time for his son, 18 year old Billy Bob, to

Can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 500 employees and has the following statistics: *29

A US Air Force C-141 was scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland at midnight. During the pilot's

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how

The Doctor said: "The good news is I can cure your headaches...The bad news is that it will require

A guy walks into a bar. He sits down at the end of the bar, next to another guy, who was the only

1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I wan' all dem kids to do what I do,

Here are some observations about the politicians who run our country. They are from a Washington, D.C.travel

A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party. He doesn't know what costume to wear

A man worked in a post office. His job was to process all mail that had illegible addresses. One

If you recall the old Hollywood Squares show, this will bring a tear to your eyes. They are worth

Description Missus manifests as a female humanoid providing cooking/cleaning features, and a sitting-room/TV

Russian couple were walking down the street in Moscow one night, when the man felt a drop hit his

This is a test for men only and all "real men" will answer "C" to all of these questions. However,

A husband and wife were traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not live forever, because

A Chinese couple gets married - and she's a virgin. Truth be told, he is none too experienced either.

- You only know three spices - salt, pepper and ketchup. - You design your Halloween costume to

These, are real answers given by children. Q: Name the four seasons. A: Salt, pepper, mustard and

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto

This is a compilation of actual Church Bulletins and Service bloopers... Our next song is "Angels

ABBOT: Ultimate Super Duper Computer Store. Can I help you? COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up

You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop, and you see

What do you expect from such simple creatures!? Their last name stays put. The garage is all

A wife arrived home from a shopping trip and was shocked to find her husband in bed with a lovely

The Nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one Sunday morning and she asked the question,

It's even hotter than usual in Phoenix, 116 degrees sets a new record, the Associated Press reports: About

There was a farmer who grew watermelons. He was doing pretty well, but he was disturbed by some local

At a nursing home a group of seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments. "My arms

King Arthur was in Merlin's laboratory where the great wizard was showing him his latest creation.

A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed,

The Washington Post's Style Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary,

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his

These questions about Canada were posted on an international tourism website and obviously the answers

Your coworker has 8 body piercing and none are visible. You make over $300,000 and still can't

CLASSIC VERSION: The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house

INSTRUCTIONS FOR MICROSOFT'S NEW TV DINNER PRODUCT: You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing

A gentleman walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He says he is going

Where does an Irish family go on vacation? A different bar. Did you hear about the Chinese couple

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to 10

For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much partying, but now I found out

Two blondes were playing golf at a foggy par three, and could see the flag, but not the green. Each

Boudreaux went into the fish market to apply for a job. The boss thought to himself - I'm not hiring

This memo is to announce the development of a new software system which will be Year 2000 compliant.

A blonde named Mary decides to do something really wild. Something she hasn't done before, so she

The following story was written by Andrew Marlatt. It first appeared on SatireWire on Feb. 1, 2002

Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which, by mistake, happened to end up in a man's head.

An entire new strain of viruses has just been uncovered and we wanted to get this information to you

Two guys immigrate to America. On their first day off the boat they are wandering around New York

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's, and walked up to the woman behind the counter

A 75 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar

And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach and green and yellow vegetables of

Man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. So he walks down to the store only

A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife so he went to a psychiatrist. The

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said, "TWO PROSTITUTES.......$50.00."

A preacher was telling his congregation that anything they could think of, old or new, was discussed

The American businessman was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with

The heaviest element known to science is Managerium. This element has no protons or electrons,

A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone (a male

Add It Up: Relationship Guide For all you guys out there who just can't figure it out, here it is:

MARKETING: You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry midterm. The answer

One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual Christmas gift for

The ambassador of a small African nation chanced to visit Russia, and was entertained by his opposite

Two Polish guys were taking their first train trip to Warsaw on the train. A vendor came down the

These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to go up to Dallas

DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You

After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford

Three blondes died and are at the gates of heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates

A "Kinder, Gentler System" Sony has announced its own computer operating system now available on

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to

A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida for a long weekend to thaw out during on particularly

A man was in his yard mowing the grass when his blonde neighbor came out of the house and went straight

A man walks into a store to buy a Barbie doll for his daughter. "How much is that Barbie in the window?",

It was early one morning when the Pastor heard a noise outside his door. When he opened it, he found

ATTRACTION - the act of associating horniness with a particular person. LOVE AT 1st SIGHT - what

A very inebriated lady walked into a bar shortly before closing time, sat at the bar and ordered,

A man walks into a bar and orders a 12-year-old scotch. The bartender, believing that the customer

A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at

A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,HONEY, COULD YOU FIX

Little Johnny comes home from school with a note from his teacher, indicating that "Johnny seems to

There is an opening for a secretarial position. The man conducting the interviews asks each candidate

Mrs. Peterson phoned the repairman because her dishwasher quit working. He couldn't accommodate her

A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years. On this visit

At Cambridge University during an examination one day a bright young student popped up and asked the

A guy walks into a bar and asks for three beers. The bartender puts them up and then watches the guy

A traveling salesman checked into a futuristic motel. Realizing he needed a haircut before his next

Prince Charles finds an ancient wine bottle in the cellar of Windsor Castle. When he opens it a genie

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman

Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to collect his wife's test results. The lab tech says to him,

A travelling ventriloquist on the road in between jobs decided to practice his craft before his next

Two rednecks were given a special SAT test to meet their admission requirements to the Military Academy.

On little Larry's first day of first grade, he raised his hand as soon as the teacher came into the

A child in class, when asked to draw a picture of the Holy Family, produced a picture in which Mary

Curly is appearing for his University final examination which consists of Y/N type questions. He

Two young engineers applied for a single position at a computer company. They both had the same

One Sunday morning, the priest saw little Davey staring up at the large plaque that hung in the church's

A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their wedding anniversary. The husband gave

A family is driving in their car on a holiday. A frog crosses the road and the husband, who is driving,

A man has a heart attack and is brought to the hospital ER. The doctor tells him that he will not live

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money. The old guy fingered his expensive wool

A man left work one Friday afternoon. But, it being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the

"Daddy, where did I come from?" the seven-year-old asked. It was a moment for which her parents

There was a man who had three girlfriends, but he did not know which one to marry. So he decided to

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center where he was to advise new recruits about their government

Two men, sentenced to die in the electric chair on the same day, were led down to the room in which

A woman wanted a pet so she went to the local pet shop. She looked at the dogs and the cats but finally

A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going into the clouds. As any of us would do,

Two women that are dog owners are arguing about which dog is smarter.... First Woman : "My dog is

A woman is becoming increasingly worried that she might never find a mate. She wonders if there is

A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell

A man decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at

Back in the old Wild West, there were two blond cowpokes, Jeff and Dave. One day, the two were enjoying

A very attractive young lady was sitting in a fine restaurant one night. Waiting for her date as

A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $ 5,000 and feels really good about the

An 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been

A Redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Austin to claim it where the man verifies

In a train compartment, there are 3 men and a ravishing young girl. The four passengers join in conversation,

An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had

A husband went to work at 9 in the morning as usual. For some reason he had to be back home later during

There were three men playing a round of golf, Moses, Jesus, and an old man. They get to the 18th

There were three friends Chris, John and Keith, who decided one sunny day to go for a walk in the

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss concerned about all his employees well

An airline captain was helping a new blonde flight attendant prepare for her first overnight trip. Upon

A guy was seated next to a 10-year-old girl on an airplane. Being bored, he turned to the girl and