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Warning on a curling iron: Do Not Insert Curling Iron Into Any Bodily Orifice... My bathroom has inadequate

A computer walks into a bar and sits down to order a drink. The bartender looks over at him and says,

A computer science student is studying under a tree and another pulls up on a flashy new bike. The first

A man was ordered by his doctor to lose 75 lbs. due to very serious health risks. As he wondered how

Granddad pulls out a beer and the little boy says, "Grandpa, can I have one of those?"Grandpa says "Is

Most people hate to parallel park. The other day, I saw this woman trying to get out of a tight parking

A Man is carrying two babies, one in each arm. While waiting for a trainAlong come this woman and seeing

In San Francisco, a man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into a local branch and wrote,

One day, a girl walked up to her mother and looked at her mother's hair and sadly said: "Why is some

A little town had a high birth rate that had attracted the attention of the sociologists at the state

At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue.While

Two Indians and a West Virginia Hillbilly were walking in the woods. All of a sudden, one of the Indians

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his

One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered

A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!"I grabbed my stuff,

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.He breaks into a house to look for money and

A little girl accidentally walks in on her father while he's getting dressed. She points to his dick

A big-rig operator stopped to pick up a female hitchhiker wearing REALLY short shorts."Say, what's your

A young couple goes to visit an old couple for dinner. The old husband tells his wife "My beloved angel,

At Night. The wife had curled up ready to go to sleep, and the husband put his A typical married couple

Michael Jordan made over $300,000 a game. That equals $10,000 a minute, at an average of 30 minutes per

Ah huay went for a job interview, and when the manager saw him wearing a colorful shirt, golden hair,

Mr Samy Vellu attends a UN meeting on space exploration by 2008. He is representing the Malaysian Prime

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair, while her

A Jewish student was doing well in school in all subjects except for Math. So his parents decide to send

Three guys died and went to heaven. St Paul was there looking down at the three of them, one is a reknowned

A man is out in the Chinese wilderness and he's hopelessly lost. It's been nearly three weeks since he's

A middle-aged woman has a heart attack and is sent to a hospital. While on the operating table, she

An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While China, he is very sexually promiscuous and does not

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain

A very large, old, building was being torn down in Chicago to make room for a new skyscraper. Due to

A Texas business man, while in Japan for some business meetings and a few rounds of golf, arrived in

There was this guy sunbathing in the nude at the beach. Well, this little girl comes up to him, so he

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, Harry,

An elderly couple were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary, so they decided to return to the little

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the

A boy and a girl in a PAP Kindergarden.The teacher gave the children some homework to do at home, and

A tired traveler pulls into a hotel around midnight. Very tired after a long day's trip he asks the clerk

The young clerk's responsibilities included bringing the judge a hot cup of coffee at the start of every

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts

A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn

Once there was this doctor that moved out to the country to become a farmer. He said to himself, "Well,

A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem

There was once a Scotsman and an Englishman who lived next door to each other. The Scotsman owned a hen

A Texan, a Californian, and Oregonian are out riding horses. The Texan pulls out an expensive bottle

Superman is flying around one day and he's feeling kinda horny. So he finds Batman sitting on top of

After gaining a small family inheritance, a redneck family was visiting a mall. The father and son were

A husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. Their passion is heating up. Then the wife stops and

RelationshipsWhen a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? Well, I hope you remember my story when they

Two Norwegian men were driving near Mt. Horab, a Norwegian community in Wisconsin, when they noticed

A guy was seated next to a 10-year-old girl on

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari

Mark your calendar with the multitude of holidays

Mrs. Bacciagalupe comes to visit her son Anthony

A 65-year-old woman gave birth to a baby boy. When

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble

1. How many trarlokks does it take to trokkclap

Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.

One day, a priest decides to take a walk to the

Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed.

A guyââ,¬â"¢s been dating the girl of his

A fat man sees an ad that reads "Lose weight. Only

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her

Little Johnny and his grandfather have gone fishing.

A boy and his mom were walking in the mall and

While the teacher was conducting her class, Little

Q: How did Britney Spears die while drinking milk? A:

A Mexican walks into a bakery and asks, "Excuse

A lawyer is standing in a long line at the post

Martin Scorscese is interviewing three action heros

A blonde, a red head, and a brunette were walking

Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving

RANDOM AND CHEAP MARTHA STEWART JOKES What is

Dear Abby: My husband is a liar and a cheat. He

A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was

A police officer saw a car speeding down the highway. He

A Norwegian took a trip to Fargo, North Dakota.

While going through his wifeââ,¬â"¢s dresser

Two bats are going for their midnight feed. After

Two brunettes and a blonde are attempting to fix

1. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead

There was a man who loved baked beans, but they

There is this old couple and they have been married

A beautiful woman loved to garden, but couldn't

A brunette, a red-head and a blonde were in jail

A man goes to the nursing home to visit his 84

Two nuns from France were coming to New York.

There was this redneck that walked into a bar and

There were two bums walkin down a road. They both

A Jewish student was doing well in school in all

EXCITABLE : Shorts half twisted around, cannot

1. If being chased through town, you can usually

This week, the Bush administration finally released

James was on the beach, and could not understand

Two gorgeous blonde biologists were in the field

A blonde began a job as an elementary school counselor

Eddie went shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally

A very religious man lived right next door to an

An engineer died and ended up in Hell. He was not

1. Your dog rides in your truck more than your

A kid goes to his dad and asks, "Dad, what are

Dear Tech Support: Last year I upgraded from

A few days before his proctological exam, a one

A man had a bad case of stuttering. He went to

A little girl got on her grandpa's lap and said,

There was an American man that had an meeting in

Dear Mr. Blix, Welcome to Iraq! It is so good

Season's Beatings There's gotta be a better way

Two hobbits walk into a bar where one of them picks

1. ââ,¬Å"If my heart were a baked potato,

There was this woman see, and she takes a lover

A man goes to a restaurant, orders some takeout,

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He

It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered

10. Keep your back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder

The England team's training session was delayed

Oil Change instructions for Women: Pull up to

A woman arrives home from work and her husband

A man had a terrible passion for baked beans, but

I hate aspects of this time of year. Not for its

Little Johnny was in class and the teacher announced

Little Johnny came home from school one day and

1) Pretend to be one of the Bush family. Doesn't

Question - What is the difference between a liberal

Q. How do you annoy your girlfriend during sex? A.

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he

Doctor Dave slept with one of his patients and

1. Hijack wheelchairs and speed around the hallways.

Some say George W. Bush quit drinking because of

Bush and Cheney went hunting, killed a giant buck,

Where do the characters go when I use my backspace

Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look

Britney Spears and Christina Aguliera were building

"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired." "The

Are you harboring a fugitive- Hu Yu Hai Ding See

A man was having an affair with a married woman.

Fred and his brother, "Donkey" walk into a pub

NASA sends a space shuttle up with two pigs and

Whether the cause is a previous night of drinking

ART FART= it's such a beauty you want to immortalize

In this world God made Eve first and one day he

Dear U.S. Citizens, I have the distinguished honor

While suturing a laceration on the hand of a 90-year-old

I think that I shall never see a hazard rougher

--That comment about Elton being "twice the woman"

Little Jimmy had become a real nuisance while the

Advantages 1. It can get really weird 2. Someone

Possible Courses: ESSENTIALS OF BONG DESIGN: Discover

One morning a man was leaving to go to work. He

Two blondes are shopping at the mall. When they

One day, a guy was approached by a rich man who

An Irishman is sitting at the end of a bar. He

Bill and Ned walk into a fast food joint one afternoon

One day a blonde and a redhead were playing together

While walking home from work one day, Frank saw

A man was working on a preacher's car in a garage

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby

AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18) You have an inventive

The was a man who had four kids, all gorgeous,

There was this guy who lived in Chicago. He was

As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection. A thick

1) The president is not in his/her office at this

Before you leave your house... 1. Put on a little

There was this hunk at a trade fair, flashing his

A man had a habit of buying things immediately

The St. Louis Symphony was playing Beethoven's

1) Stand on top of the high board and say you won't

There was a man who owned a giant gorilla and he'd

This middle-aged guy wakes up one morning and notices

One weekend, a husband, and wife were up in the

Four guys went golfing; one went in the clubhouse

A man moved into a new apartment, and he decided

A man was unemployed and bored, so he decided to

Two drunk guys stumble out of a bar and get into

Q: What did the prick say to the balls? A: You

* Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people

Two aliens land their plasmic cosmo craft in Jack

Three guys are in a doctor's office. One is a drunk,

While he was rooting around in the basement, a

1) Large, loft-style apartments in New York City

An elderly couple decided to celebrate their 50th

One day three women went camping - a blonde, a

Three girls named Samantha, Janet and Rebecca were

A woman goes to the hospital, and her doctor gives

Son: Dad, I have to do a special report for school.

The other day I saw a ''Honk if you love Jesus''

Howard had felt guilty all day long. No matter

Two old friends, who hadn't seen each other in

A man left his cat with his brother while he went

These three married couples died and when they

A Texan, a Californian and a Seattlite were all

Start with a cage containing five monkeys. In the

THINGY (thing-ee) n. For a female: Any part under

1.Stick your palm open under the stall wall and

Q: How do you burn an idiot's face? A: Phone

As usual, things were not going well at the United

Two guys are playing golf. The first guy says,

A small north Florida wild animal park had acquired

A wealthy wife and husband were leaving to go to

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by

A woman goes to the local butcher to buy some meat

One day while taking a walk outside of the White

There was an older man who'd married a younger

A couple were driving to a church to get married.

1. People who point at their wrist while asking

A blonde decides to show her husband that despite

A man walked into a curio store and was shopping

A pilot was forced to make a crash landing in a

A guy and his son go into a bar. The son is a

What's the difference between a genealogist and

How To Shower Like A Woman... * Take off clothing

A guy just died and he's at the pearly gates,

There was a woman and her husband. They were happily

Two gay men are walking down the street trying

A scientist gets on a train to go to New York.

There is a accordion player driving home from a

The taxi driver picks up a nun. After a little

What happened when the blonde tried to give her

A man was in the waiting room at the hospital,

All drivers for Red Ball Express had orders to

One day, the Pope is visiting America and driving

[NOTE: This joke must be told out loud to someone

What's the difference between a regular toad and

There was a long line of souls before the gate

A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box

Two attorneys boarded a flight out of Seattle.

There was a guy that was stranded on an island.

A truck driver was driving down the highway when

A woman was in bed having sex with her husband's

Three drifters are roaming the countryside for

What did the bra say to the hat? "You go

The Alaska Department of Fish and Game recently

There was this guy who always went out drinking

1) Excitable -- Shorts half-twisted around, cannot

One fall day Bill was out raking leaves when he

Did you hear why they closed the Seattle Kingdome?

Her version: Oh did I mention or did I not? Well

A father, mother, and son were going to Europe

In the realm of the Mighty King Gates who has pulled

An old woman walked into a bank and asked for the

A brunette is walking through the country, when

An old man and a young man work together in an

A man decided to march in the holy crusades. Concluding

Billy was 14 and just started jerking off. He loved

One day while at the White House, the maid was

There are two lesbians and two gay guys. Both

One day this guy was sitting at this bar in Chicago

A soldier at the Pentagon got out of the shower,

Mike Tyson finally apologized to Holyfield for

Joe tells his wife he is heading out to the pub

A certain zoo had acquired a very rare species

A woman walks into a bank in New York City and

On a long walk in the woods, Johhny found himself

1. Throughly clean the toilet. 2. Add the required

A man walks into a whorehouse and hands the madam

This Story is true!!! For all of you who occasionally

A man was shipwrecked with his dog and a sheep

A city girl was driving back to town after attending

A man died and went to straight down to hell. The

Two guys always catch the train to work together;

A man walks into a bar with three little ducks

Dave's friends came up to him after work one day

A man and his wife were on their honeymoon. The

Two good ol' boys were driving down the road

10) Collect potatoes. Paint faces on them and

A guy was riding down the road when he saw a

Q: There were two gay men and two lesbians moving

One day Bill complained to his friend that his

ARIES (Mar 21-Apr 19) You are the pioneer type

A regular guy and Tyra Banks are the only survivors

Jesus and Moses went golfing. Jesus was about

Ma and Pa are sitting out on the front porch one

One day, a man walks into a whorehouse and says,

Joe enters the confessional and tells the priest

A guy walked into a bar and saw a golden mug on

A guy sees a classified ad that says "Will give

On a senior citizens bus tour, while the passengers

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but

A couple went to church every week, but every

Bill Clinton is out jogging around in some of

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A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday.

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.

St. Peter was standing outside the gates of heaven

Mother Superior called a young novice into her

In a small town in California there lived two boys,

When women see a ''caution'' sign, they carefully

Horace was born with only one arm but he managed

A penguin was driving his car down the highway

Following a tragic boating accident, a husband

1. Ride mechanical horses with coins fished out

There was a cop on his horse waiting to cross the

Three women are about to be executed. One''s a

There was an elderly couple that went to McDonald's.

One day this Preacher decided that he would skip

There were three guys who where rowing a canoe

A man came in to heaven and God wanted to go on

Two cannibals just got their hands on a corpse.

Two aliens land on the earth, near L.A. They get

A woman visits her physician. After waiting for

A priest wanted to convince a prostitute to turn

A blonde and a brunette are out driving, and the

A man was out of town on business. While sitting

There once was a woman who had a boyfriend that

A man walks into a grocery store and asks for some

This is a true story about a recent wedding that

The Smiths had no children and decided to use a

One day a man was hiking down an old dirt road

There was a woman who was interested in getting

The Perfect Dump -- Every once in a while, each

When the body was first made, all the parts wanted

A biker had been injured in an accident and was

A teacher was teaching her second grade class about

The Englishman's, Irishman's and Scotsman's wives

It is Rennaissance Italy and Lothario and his friend

A woman calls a clinic and says she hasn't been

One day God came to Adam to pass on some news.

One day a little girl came running into her house

A man was drinking in a bar when he noticed this

* Take shopping carts for the express purpose of

A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking

After a really good party a man walks into a bar

Three nuns used to go to the church from their

A guy has a bad habit: He loves to hit pedestrians

Two guys were walking their dogs and came across

A young man and a young woman were soon to be married,

*Stand on top of the high board and say you won't

Tarzan falls from his vine while he is swinging

An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds

Two bored casino dealers were waiting at the craps

Q: Why do fireflies light up while they are having

Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed.

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison.

Once upon a time there lived a woman in Brampton

While cruising at 40,000 feet, the airplane shuddered

A fellow was ordered to lose 75 pounds, due to

There was this American tourist in Mexico, and

Last week I took some friends out to a restaurant,

A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path

Q: What did Shakespeare say while he was shopping

A husband and wife had four boys. The odd part

Once there was a penguin whose car broke down.

A drunk guy is telling a bartender how much he

Hallo? Is this Giganta? Giganta Crotchetta? Oh,

There was a guy walking down the street in San

A man and woman had a son but when he was born

A man went into a restaurant and ordered his meal.

20) With chocolate size doesn't matter; it's always

A guy is in a bar with a bunch of his friends.

A leprechaun and his friend walked into a bar one

A young, innocent couple got married. On the first

Once upon a time there were three men lost in a

Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital

Tarzan gets into a huge fight with a lion in the

A good-looking woman walks into a bar wearing a

Last 10 Things a Man Would Say: 10. I think Barry

A young boy walks in on his mother in the bathtub.

Three men are at a bar, and two of the men are

There was a guy walking down the street when he

Grandfather and grandson, on a stroll on their

A blonde, a brunette, and a man are driving in

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A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender if

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your

A woman who was rather old-fashioned, delicate,

A husband, proving to his wife that women talk

One night a robber broke into a home and heard

A blonde walks into a restaurant to get some lunch,

There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of

Children were called upon in a classroom to make

There was a dentist, an electrician, a salesperson,

A young boy of four was going into hospital to

There are two blondes playing golf. One tees off

Jesus and Moses are walking along the beach when

This is actually a true story that happened to

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful

It's the spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick

One time at a local golf course three shitty players

An Amish couple had just been married and had gone

A woman went camping and while she was out she

John went on vacation to Helopisa. As soon as he

One day while a wife was working in the kitchen,

Little DJ has his first day at school. His Mom

Three mice are sitting in a bar. The first one

Dan wakes up on Monday morning, staggers into the

The horniest guy in the world is stuck on an island

You don't have to put cream in your coffee to

A preacher's wife was contemplating what she

A guy goes over to his friend's house and knocks

SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction,

One day Reverend Smith went to visit Mrs. Jenkins,

There was a guy in a bar and he asked the bartender

Two construction workers were working on the 30th

A man and his wife are stranded on a desert island.

There once was this blonde riding a horse. After

There is this trucker and he is driving down the

A happy little mouse was walking along one day

You lose arguments with inanimate objects. You

Saturday 1:00 A.M. Alarm clock rings. 2:00

There are 2 clones, one of the clones is real nice

1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or

1) Spend all day at a fast food restaurant, seeing

1) You can GET chocolate. 2) “If you love

Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit lived in the same forest,

3 Stages of Sex: 1. House Sex - When you are newly

One day Bill Clinton decides to go on a jog. While

The seven dwarves are in Rome and they go on a

Two blondes were shopping at the mall. When they

A minister has just died and is standing in line

A businessman was about to go on a long business

When an attractive young girl returned from her

What do you call a neutron that has been around

A newly married man was discussing his honeymoon.

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all enter a

A man who always plays golf sees a beautiul woman

Three men heard rumors of a mountaintop where God

A survey of top personnel executives of 100 major

    An Irishman, an Englishman and

A guy walked into a bar with a pet alligator by

Q. What is the definition of "making love?" A:

A first grade teacher collected well-known proverbs.

A guy heard from his doctor that masturbating before

This guy has always dreamed of owning a Harley

Sue and Sally meet at their 30th class reunion,

A policeman directing traffic at a busy city intersection

Two old biddies were talking about their lives

    According to inside contacts,

    A guy sticks his head into a

    One day many years ago, a fisherman's

A young woman with small breasts buys a finely carved

Shit is a powerful word. Just think of all the

A new guy in town walks into a bar and notices

Twas the Night before Christmas, and all through

As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I can get

    NBC 8:00 Friends 8:30

A gentleman is sitting next to the Pope on an airplane.

A panda walks into a bar. He sits down, and asks

One day while jogging, a middle-aged man noticed

When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first

WHAT WOMEN SAY & REALLY MEAN: CAN'T WE JUST

If the government is going to put health warning

A WOMAN'S GUIDE WHAT A MAN IS REALLY SAYING WHILE

The lineage is finally revealed. Many people are

Doris and Fred had started their retirement years

I called a company and asked to speak to Bob.

All-Purpose Excuse Form, designed to get you out

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates.

Due to widespread panic about the Y2K bug, Internet

Maria is a devout Catholic. She gets married and

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A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the

Willy, a mental patient, mimes driving a car as

A little old lady buys a pair of parrots, but cannot

One evening, a family brings their frail, elderly

"I'm going fishing." Really means... "I'm going

Bill was in the hospital for a complete check-up.

A very old couple book a honeymoon suite in a five-star

A little old lady wanted to join a biker club. She

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent,

A guy goes to visit his grandmother and he brings

First and foremost, we are not obligated to do

Two cowboys are leanin' up against the rail at

A woman is in bed with her lover, who also happens

Are you considering having children? To determine

Breakfast: 1/2 grapefruit 1 slice whole wheat

A man staggers into an emergency room with two

    One day, a man named Tony died.  

    A young reporter once covered

1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well-lighted

But Doctor, You HAVE To! In Turkey, Mehmet Esirgen, 52,

A guy walks in to a bar with his pet monkey. He

A man had a terrible passion for baked beans, but

A man decided to paint the toilet while his wife

These two eggs had just been married and were on

About ten recruits are making their first parachute

I know I haven't known you very long and I shouldn't

    Yes, it's hard to believe, but

This should be sung to the tune "A Few of

    While inspecting their honeymoon

Two guys were hiking in the mountains when they

Big Busted Women -can get a taxi on the worst

    A herd of buffalo can only move

Two priests were going to Hawaii on vacation and

Ã, Ã, Ã,  A teenage boy and his grandfather

$ Michael Jordan having "retired,"

    Every night after dinner, Merle

    One morning, while she was making

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument

A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he

    Two explorers are flying over

Monica Lewinsky virus: Sucks all the memory

1) Page yourself over the intercom.  Don't

Remember the book "Men are from Mars, Women are

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There has been a recent discovery among archives

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A man goes to the doctor with a long history of

Listen my children, and you shall hear Of

A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the

    'Twas the night before Christmas

    The following information was

An Irishman, Englishman and Scotsman go into a

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners.

Run one lap around the office at top speed

"I'm hungry." = I'm hungry. "I'm

    For all you guys out there who

A woman came up behind her husband while he was

John invited his mother over for dinner. During

Ã, Ã, Ã,  If you receive an e-mail

Who lit the fuse on your tampon? Support Cannibalism

Three guys died and when they got to the pearly

1. Cover your stump before you hump. 2. Before

When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard.

Four men, an Engineer, an Accountant, a Chemist

One day, Jeffrey complained to his friend, "My

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED: 1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats. 2)

Charlie's wife, Lucy, had been after him for several weeks to paint the seat on their commode. Finally,

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows the rancher says to Amy, "The artificial-insemination

Bubbles and Barbie, two blonde sisters had promised their Uncle, who had been a seafaring gentleman

Joe Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock (MADE IN JAPAN ) for 6am . While his coffeepot

Also known as 'women's intuition,' this sixth sense thing is no myth. Women seem to know what's going

Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually, she slept throught the class.

1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out. 2. Age is a very high price to pay for

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said,

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a client

A man returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport after midnight,

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine

Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned

A man walks into the dentist's office and after the dentist examines him, the dentist says, "That

Tom did like he always does, kissing his wife, crawling into bed and falling to sleep. All of a sudden,

A very traditional elderly woman was enjoying a good game of bridge with her girlfriends one evening.

A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor,

A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems

In the early 20th Century, Thomas Edison was spreading the word about electricity. Once, while

A minister concluded that his church was getting into serious financial troubles. Coincidentally,

a.. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity. b.. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian

"I'M GOING FISHING" Means: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream

A plane was taking off from Kennedy. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain

A man walks into a Doctors office and puts a note on the table in front of the Doctor. The note says:

A retired corporate executive, now a widower, decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean

A young woman was preparing for her wedding. She asked her mother to go out and buy a nice long black

Mary was having an affair during the day while her husband was at work. One day, she was in bed with

A very large, old, building was being torn down in Chicago to make room for a new skyscraper. Due

This husband and wife were playing on the ninth green when she collapsed from a heart attack. "Please

A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the

Three old mischievous Grandmas were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home. About then an old

A first grade teacher collected old, well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first

The Pope just finished a tour of the East Coast and was taking a limousine to the airport. Since he'd

Bad Metaphors from Stupid Student Essays (actually these are mostly similes, see Literary Terms) Her

The Best and Worst Comments Received: "Text is useless. I use it to kill roaches in my room."

Me: Hello. AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T. Me: Is this AT&T? AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T. Me: This is

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar. Woods turns to Wonder and says: How is the singing career

other day my neighbour, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway just jumping for joy!

Entries in a Dog's Diary: 7 am - Oh boy! A walk! My favorite! 8 am - Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite! 9

A Blonde Texan city girl, marries a Texas rancher. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows

1. If you are choking on an ice cube simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! 2.

Congress Votes to Outsource Presidency, Washington, DC (AP) Congress today announced that the office

Sue and Sally meet at their 30th class reunion, and they haven't seen each other since graduation.

A Japanese company ( Toyota ) and an American company (General Motors decided to have a canoe race

TWO DUCK HUNTERS FROM WISCONSIN: ABSOLUTELY A TRUE STORY HEARD ON A WISCONSIN RADIO STATION REPORTING

At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue. While

Grandma's letter; She is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes: Dear

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she

There was once an aspiring veterinarian who put himself through veterinary school working nights as

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one

TO: MR. JAMES THATCHER, BRAND MANAGER, PROCTER & GAMBLE. Dear Mr. Thatcher, I have been a loyal

Two Irishmen, Patrick Murphy and Shawn O'Brian grew up together and were lifelong friends. But alas,

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's

Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged. However, while working as

What, you ask, is "Butt dust?" Read on and you'll discover the joy in it! These have to be original

Even if you aren't a skier, you'll be able to appreciate the humor of the slopes as written by a New

A woman sat in the waiting room when her octogenarian husband was in the examination room for his

On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons. Early one morning, the woman

An Italian, an Irishman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a Sydney construction site. The foreman

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers

One day while Little Johnny and his freind Arnie were playing out in the back yard,they started talking

Golf balls are like eggs. They're white, they're sold by the dozen, and every week you have to buy more. A

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son

Joe grew up in Jamaica, then moved away to attend college and law school. He decided to come back

There was a church down in Southwest Texas that had a very big-busted organist. Her breasts were so

A little boy and girl go trick or treating. They knock on the door of this house and the man who

A first grade school teacher in Virginia had twenty-five students in her class. She presented each

welve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row,

A guy was invited to an old friends' home for dinner. His buddy preceded every request to his

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags, one in each hand. There's

A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror while her husband reads in bed. "I feel horrible,

Last month, National University of Lesotho scientists released the results of a recent analysis that

Last summer John met a woman while on vacation and fell head over heels in love with her. On the last

Three men died in a car accident and met Jesus himself at the Pearly Gates. The Lord spoke unto

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed

An old man, a boy, and a donkey were on their way to town. The boy was riding the donkey. As they

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program. The next day, there's a knock

Father Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow?

A friend of mine has a big Labrador retriever. While I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the

The wife comes home early and finds her husband in their master bedroom making love to a beautiful,

Dear Mrs. Fenton, Over the past six months, your husband, Mr. Bill Fenton has been causing quite

Old West Phrases That Will Never Sound The Same After "Brokeback Mountain"... 1. "I'm gonna pump

In light of the rising frequency of human - grizzly bear conflicts, the Alaska Department of Fish

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought

DINING OUT 1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly

In Florida, an atheist became incensed over the preparation for Easter and Passover holidays and decided

Here's a prime example of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus" offered by an English professor

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.

One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on an exotic parrot. He really wanted this

A touchy-CNN reporter, while interviewing a Marine sniper asked, "What do you feel when you shoot

According to the FBI, most modern-day bank robberies are "unsophisticated and unprofessional crimes,"

While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a U.S. Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale

A couple of blonde men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the blonde men walked in

Little Johnny had a cussing problem and his father was getting tired of it. He decided to ask his

Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help

While suturing a laceration on the hand of a 90-year-old man, the doctor asked his patient how he thought

One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When

A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath. "Mom", he asked, "are these

A Georgia State Trooper pulled a car over on I-95 about 2 miles south of the Georgia/South Carolina

BACHELOR: A guy who has avoided the opportunity to make some woman miserable. BRIDE: A woman

In case you have been waiting breathlessly for this year's Darwin Awards, here they are. The awards

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. He played with his toys in her bedroom while

For those of you who are not "fortunate" enough to live in California, here is a copy of the California

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she

Twas the day after Christmas, and all through the house, Every creature was hurtin', even the mouse. The

An older Jewish man married a younger woman. After several months, the young woman complained that

No matter what you do or where you go, you're always going to be yourself. And Panexa knows this. Your

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: 1 October 2005 RE: Christmas

The coach had put together the perfect team for the New Orleans Saints. The only thing missing was

WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (the actual AP headline) Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego,

Green Bay, WI Monday, October 31, 2005 - Anthrax Scare At Lambeau Field Green Bay Packer football

History began some 12,000 years ago.(Actually, it was 40,000 years ago.) Humans existed as members

A Texas family of football supporters head out one Saturday to the outlet mall to do their tax-free

1. No cars up on blocks for longer than three weeks. 2. No changing your oil in the street. 3.

Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says "Where in the hell have you been?" He

On a given night, 2 death row inmates are scheduled to be electrocuted on old sparky. While one execution

An elderly man goes into his doctors office for an annual physical. After a while, the doctor comes

Here in Kentucky, you don't see too many people hang-gliding. Bubba decided to save up and get a hang-glider.

10. Today is our what? 9. I got you a present worth a dollar for every time we had sex this year.

I am very detail-oreinted. My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability

A couple in their nineties are BOTH having problems remembering things. They decide to go to the doctor

Two Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods. All of a sudden one of the Indians ran

--Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife

Two fellows from Alabama were sitting around talking one afternoon. After a while the first fellow

1. The patient refused autopsy. 2. The patient has no previous history of suicides. 3. Patient

A boy was taking care of his baby sister while his parents went to town shopping. He decided to go

David Letterman's Top 10 reasons why there are no black NASCAR drivers: (I bet his life will be miserable

Little Tommy was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything; tutors, flash cards,

NUDITY I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible

1. Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found 2. hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works

A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds, and he entered a patient's room to find

A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past and looks up and says to the

1. "Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife." 2. "I've always wanted

This happened about a month ago just outside a little town in the bayou country of Louisiana, and

In a small fishing village, a Newfoundlander was walking up the wharf carrying two - at least three

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very, very dark, so

Differential Theory of US Armed Forces (Snake Model) upon encountering a snake in the Area of Operations

After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride Virginia, Luigi stopped by his old

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat

How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?" Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back,

Recently while going through an airport during one of his many trips, President Bush encountered a

The Reverend Francis Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful

A man is in his front yard attempting to fly a kite with his son. However, every time the kite gets

Note: Sometimes a story comes along that needs no polishing or enhancement to make it better.

A minister concluded that his church was getting into serious financial troubles. While checking the

A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair

Two guys were walking in the woods one day, and they all of a sudden came across a bear. The bear noticed

While the barber is lathering the man up for his shave, the man expresses to the barber how he has

A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true? A: Your heart is only

Michael and his wife live in Minnesota. One winter morning while listening to WCCO, they hear the announcer

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 YEARS OLD. HATEFUL LITTLE DOG. BITES. FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 COCKER SPANIEL,

A panda walked into a bar. He went up to the bar and said "I'd like a steak and kidney pie and a Coke

A young Technician and his General Manager board a train headed through the mountains on its way to

Dear Tech Support: Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the

At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady truck up a conversation and

There was a little guy sitting at a bar drinking a beer. A while later a huge guy walked into the bar

After a night on the town, a young woman brought a new friend home for a late-night drink. "You can't

1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out. 2. Age is a very high price to pay for

To the citizens of the United States of America: In the light of your failure to elect a competent

[The year would not be complete without the Darwin Awards - awarded every year to the persons who

The young couple invited their aged parson for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing

A gentleman was just out of surgery for a appendicitus. His wife sat calmly beside him holding his

Written by Phil Maggitti Going to War with the Army that We Want. WASHINGTON, D.C. - President

Miss Bea, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was much admired

Amy, a blonde city girl, marries a farmer. One morning, on his way out to the fields, the farmer says

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured

One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river.

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl. 2.

Married Priests in Catholic Church a Long Time Coming Prosecutors Want Victim in Courtroom During

Once again, The Washington Post published its yearly contest in which readers are asked to supply

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program. The next day, there's a

It's the spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Bobby's a pretty hip guy

A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. While the religious one prayed day in, day

A guy is trying to relax at home, but his wife keeps nagging him to mow the lawn. Finally, in between

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always

One day, a shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same

Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new

For those of you who are not "fortunate" enough to live in California, here is a copy of the California

THINGY (thing-ee) n. female: Any part under a car's hood. male: The strap fastener on a woman's

A three year old walked over to the pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in the doctors office. He

A farmer has three sons. One day, his oldest boy comes to him and pleads with him that he is graduating

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Unbeknownst to her, her 9

Who says cops don't have a sense of humor? The following were taken off of actual police car videos

Seems God was just about done with creating the universe but he had two extra things left over in

Thor, the Viking God of Thunder, and his pal Odin were up in Valhalla, when suddenly Thor said to Odin,

The story behind the letter below is that there is this nutball in Newport, Rhode Island named Scott

A team of American and British archaeologists was excavating in Israel when they came upon a cave.

Official Announcement: The government today announced that it is changing its emblem from an Eagle

(This is supposedly a true story.) If you have children you will probably relate to this father.

A cop stops a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. Since he's in a good mood that

George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to hell where the devil is waiting for him. "I

1. Never take a beer to a job interview. 2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting

A biker stopped by the local Harley Shop to have his bike repaired. They couldn't do the work while

You may not know that many nonliving things have a gender. For example... 1) Ziploc Bags- They

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been

Dear Tech Support: Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slow down

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly

A man went to the beach to work on his tan. In his hotel room that night, he noticed that he had a

A man enters his favorite ritzy restaurant and while sitting at his regular table, he notices a gorgeous

Essential NEW WORDS FOR 2004 editions for the work-place vocabulary: BLAMESTORMING Sitting around

25. Come up with 50 new shades of gray for Martha Stewart Paints. 24. Start marketing new "Martha

Warning on a bottle of drain cleaner: "If you do not understand, or cannot read, all directions,

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's

It's time once again to consider the candidates for the annual Stella Awards. The Stella's are named

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. Gardening

A friend just got back from a holiday ski trip to Utah with the kind of story that warms the cockles

Scenario: You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a

One day while doing door-to-door market research, this guy knocks on a door and is greeted by a beautiful

A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff,

Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant. "Sid," asked Al, "Are there any Jews in China?"

A nun, really needing to go to the bathroom, walked into a neighborhood pub. The place was hopping

Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids. Never take life seriously.

A dedicated shop steward was at a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels.

1. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever! Unless you actually

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "10 lamb

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes

A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table,

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful (and intelligent) pet dachshund

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the Archangel

While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball, and seeing none around it

A man returning home a day early from a business trip got into a taxi at the airport. It was after

Two cars were waiting at a stoplight. The light turned green, but the man didn't notice it. A woman

Here are some observations about the politicians who run our country. They are from a Washington, D.C.travel

A man worked in a post office. His job was to process all mail that had illegible addresses. One

If you recall the old Hollywood Squares show, this will bring a tear to your eyes. They are worth

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of male face a woman

A primary school teacher decided to see how many of the city kids knew what sounds farm animals made.

A female police officer arrests a guy for drunk driving. While reading him his Miranda Rights, the

A customer service award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being so clever

These are actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. Her face was a perfect oval,

Three members of a golf club were arguing loudly while the fourth member of their group lay dead in

A guy went to a psychiatrist because he was having severe problems with his sex life. The psychiatrist

News just in of Microsoft's latest venture: Microsoft Corporation has taken another step toward dominating

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats are. The first man was an Engineer, the second

A jumbo jet is just coming into the Toronto Airport on it's final approach. The pilot comes on the

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary in London, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner

Two 90-year-olds had been dating for some time, when the man told the woman, "I think it's time we

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior

A Policeman was drilling 3 blondes, who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in

At New York's Kennedy Airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher

After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for a younger woman. The house was in his name

While attending a marriage seminar on communication, Wally and his wife Carolyn listened to the instructor

(Internal Revenue Service, an agency of the government to whom Americans pay taxes on their salary.) --Always

One day, while Sue was cleaning under the bed, she found a small box. Curious, she opened it and found

While riding one day, a cowboy met an Indian riding along with a dog and a sheep and he began a conversation.

While waiting in line at the bank, a co-worker developed a very loud case of hiccups. By the time

Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed

These questions about Canada were posted on an international tourism website and obviously the answers

CLASSIC VERSION: The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house

One day God and Adam were walking the garden. God told Adam that it was time to populate the Earth.

Men are like ....... Laxatives ...... They irritate the @#%$ out of you. Men are like ........

A man and his wife were driving through country on his way from New York to California. Looking

A gentleman walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He says he is going

A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice. "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step,

In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed because of stupidity, here are some actual

A blonde was speeding in a 35 mile per hour zone when a local police cruiser pulled her over and

An old farmer had owned a large farm for several years and in the back forty it had a nice pond,

Two gay gentlemen were walking through a zoo. They came across the gorillas and after a while they

THE VALUE OF UNDIES-- Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle... From

Two blondes were playing golf at a foggy par three, and could see the flag, but not the green. Each

Boudreaux went into the fish market to apply for a job. The boss thought to himself - I'm not hiring

According to the Knight Rider News Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the US Department

A blonde named Mary decides to do something really wild. Something she hasn't done before, so she

The following story was written by Andrew Marlatt. It first appeared on SatireWire on Feb. 1, 2002

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the

A little kid asks his father, "Daddy, is God a man or a woman?" "Both son. God is both." After

A guy sticks his head in the barber shop and asks, "How long before I can et a haircut?" The barber

A gastroenterologist claims these are actual comments made by his patients made while he was performing

trucker hauling computers and accessories is driving down the highway late one night when he sees

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in

A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a large amount of whisky at a

There was a little old lady standing at a corner. She had both hands holding her hat on while the

A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems

When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls

Doctor Joe had slept with one of his patients and had felt guilty all day long. No matter how

Some people grow old gracefully, while others fight and scratch the whole way. Andy's wife, refusing

The American businessman was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with

A beautiful young girl is about to undergo a minor operation. She's laid on a hospital trolley bed

Add It Up: Relationship Guide For all you guys out there who just can't figure it out, here it is:

A man is waiting for wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns

A lady was standing on a street corner waiting for a bus when she happened to notice a weight machine.

One afternoon while doing some work in the garden I noticed my dog dragging something under the fence.

A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five

While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear

A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds, and he entered a patient's room to find

DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You

Top brass from the Army, Navy and Marine Corps were arguing about who had the bravest troops. They

Guy in a bar playing pool has a pet monkey. Monkey jumps onto the table, grabs the cue ball and stuffs

1.) "If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all

A woman came up behind her husband while he was enjoying his morning coffee and slapped him on the back

A little old lady wanted to join a biker club. She knocked on the door of a local biker club and a

Two rednecks met in a bar and decided that they weren't going anywhere in life so thought they should

A man decides to take the opportunity while his wife is away to paint the wooden toilet seat. The

There was a Japanese man who went to America for sightseeing. On the last day, he hailed a cab and

There was a girl who went to sunday school and always fell asleep. One day the teacher asked and pointed

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day,

A local preacher was dissatisfied with the small amount in the collection plates each Sunday. Someone

An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While in China, he is very sexually promiscuous and

Four married men were golfing. While at the fourth hole, the first man said, "you have no idea what

Never before had Sue looked in the box that her husband Fred kept under their bed. The box had been

Two men were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freight vessel. While

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly

An engineer dies and reports to hell. Pretty soon, the engineer getsdissatisfied with the level

1. When you run away in the middle of a perfectly good leg humping. 2. Blaming your

In France, the young assistant pastors do not live in the main rectory. That is reserved for the

A guy goes over to his friends house, rings the bell. The wife answers the door. "Hi, is Tony

A young couple is out carousing one evening. While driving down the highway the guy says to the girl,

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks "Hey, Buddy! how long before I can get a haircut?" The

A man and his wife were doing yard work. The husband said to his wife, "Gee, honey, your butt is

A man was in a bar all day and he had to use the bathroom. He was in there for a while, yelling. The

A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills

Seems this hillbilly came to town carrying a jug of moonshine in one hand and a shotgun in the other.

A fellow stopped at a rural gas station and after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft

One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on a parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were trying out for a new NASA experiment on sending women to different

One day a woman arrives home from work and her husband notices she's wearing a diamond necklace. He

A one dollar bill met a 20 dollar bill and said, "Hey, where've you been? I haven't seen you around

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and take turns boasting of their adventures on the high seas. The

It was the annual homecoming dance at the local high school gym. Most of the young folk were out on

A rabbit broke out of the laboratory where he had been born and raised. As he scurried away, he felt

Ben and Haley had gotten up in years, and their memories weren't quite what they used to be. They

Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat. They

Dan married one of a pair of identical twin girls. Less than a year later, he was in court filing for

A blind man and his guide dog enter a bar and find their way to a barstool. After ordering a drink

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me

Some not too smart gangsters decide to rob a bank. After several days of planning they agree on the

A blonde is driving down the road. She notices that she is low on gas, so she stops at the gas station.

A guy went to visit a friend at the hospital. His friend was all busted up and in several casts. After

One day the Pope is coming to America in his Limo and he said to the driver, "Why don't you let me

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day,

Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price, but it's missing a

A father and son went fishing one day. While they were out on the water, the boy suddenly became curious

A mother and baby camel are talking one day when the baby camel asks, "Mom why have I got these huge

A guy went to his doctor full of anger. "Doc," he said, "I feel like killing my wife. You've got to

My husband was just coming out of anesthesia after a series of tests in the hospital, and I was sitting

Two men arrive at the Pearly Gates at about the same time, both wanting to know if they will be admitted

A guy walked into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He put the alligator up on the bar. He turned

Two men were working on top of a building. Unfortunately, they were not allowed any breaks by their

A country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was so far out, there was no

A young man at his first job as a waiter in a diner has a large trucker sit down at the counter and

One day God and Adam were walking in the garden. God told Adam it was time to populate the earth. He

A woman wanted a pet so she went to the local pet shop. She looked at the dogs and the cats but finally

John and David were both patients in a Mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital

Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear. He

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The

Five doctors went duck hunting one day. Included in the group were a GP, a pediatrician, a psychiatrist,

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of

An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation,

Three guys that all worked bulding high rise buildings sat down to lunch one day. The first one opens

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop somewhere in Washington DC. Picking through the objects

Little DJ has his first day at school. His Mom was real worried, and when she picked him up from school

After driving for about six hours, a trucker decides to pull over and sleep for a little while. As

Every night after dinner, Merle took off for the local watering hole. He would spend the whole evening

Back in the old Wild West, there were two blond cowpokes, Jeff and Dave. One day, the two were enjoying

A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $ 5,000 and feels really good about the

A guy goes over to his friend's house, rings the bell, and the wife answers. "Hi, is Tony home?"

Hank was amazed at the length of the funeral procession going down Main Street. Watching awhile he

A man who had spent his whole life in the desert visited a friend. He'd never seen a train or the tracks

A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while

A husband went to work at 9 in the morning as usual. For some reason he had to be back home later during

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw,

A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she

Two men are drinking in a bar at the top of the Empire State Building. One turns to the other and says:

Three mates are down the pub. Bill and Joe are arguing about the amount of control they have over

A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice. "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more

There were three friends Chris, John and Keith, who decided one sunny day to go for a walk in the

A man suspected his wife was seeing another man, so he hired the famous Chinese detective, Chen

A dentist was getting ready to clean an elderly lady's teeth. He noticed that she was a little nervous,

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of

A guy was seated next to a 10-year-old girl on an airplane. Being bored, he turned to the girl and

Programmer compiled an array of reasons as to why he can't find a girlfriend with a good on her , reason