without

An old woman dying in her old mans hand. Old man begs doctor for some help and says: -Please help,

A man was ordered by his doctor to lose 75 lbs. due to very serious health risks. As he wondered how

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a "Curse" he has been living with for the last

A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away.She protested, "But we don't

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see

An Arab has spent many days crossing the desert without finding a source of water. It gets so bad that

A couple who had 2 kids decided that whenever they wanted sex, they would use code words so the children

Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new home. It's fun to cook for Tim. Today I made an angel

A man is out in the Chinese wilderness and he's hopelessly lost. It's been nearly three weeks since he's

A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out the camel suddenly

The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his late

TO: All employeesFROM: The bossDATE: August 3, 2000RE: Foul LanguageIt has been brought to management's

A man on a camel rode through miles of the sun-drenched desert searching for some sign of life. His supplies

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party.She got a terrible headache and told her husband

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners

An Arab has spent many days crossing the desert without finding a source of water. It gets so bad that

A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem

TEACHER: Why are you late?WEBSTER: Because of the sign.TEACHER: What sign?WEBSTER: The one that says,

A sixteen year old girl went to a priest for confession."Father, I called a guy son of a bitch yesterday.""Why

Two hicks from West Virginia got married and were

A women without arms or legs is sitting on a beach

A gentleman on a flight to Atlanta had a serious

Here's a dilemma... With all your honor and dignity,

Here's a dilemma for you... With all your honor

Little Johnny was in class when the teacher asked,

A man walks into a bar and orders shots for the

A blonde and a lawyer sit next to each other on

Q: What do you call a fish without an eye? A:

A man dies and goes to Heaven. When he arrives

Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front

FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS, CLASS OF 2003! First of all

There is a Navy guy and a Marine in the washroom.

Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive's

1. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead

A plane is on its way to Houston when a blonde

How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb? ââ,¬Å"Such

Saddam Hussein and George Bush are seated next

1. If being chased through town, you can usually

This week, the Bush administration finally released

Ignoring the fact that George Bush declined Saddam

A secretary for a foreign embassy was entertaining

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1.

There was a 40 year old man called Ian, and he

A young punk gets on a bus and sits down in directly

Once again the female staff will be offering courses

A man had a bad case of stuttering. He went to

What do you call a man without a brain? Single

Dear Mr. Blix, Welcome to Iraq! It is so good

There was this woman see, and she takes a lover

But everybody looks funny naked! You woke me

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole

Three couples went to see a minister to find out

Years of straining with poopie-ing, we can only

If you think no Christmas dinner is complete

I hate aspects of this time of year. Not for its

Women got off the Titanic first. Women can scare

1. My fellow Americans, I have taken much into

How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges? What

It's legal to earn money playing hockey Many people

George W. Bush told Dick Cheney, "I really hate

Over a gynecologist's office: "Dr. Jones, at your

More beer. More cheese. More sex. Vitamin fortified

10) My fellow Americans, I have been lying to you

How's Your Melon Smellin'? Two women were walking

An Alabama man turned 18 and went to a local house

Two Yankees fans are on a train up to Boston to

Little Jimmy had become a real nuisance while the

Juan Valdez names his mule after you. You chew

Advantages 1. It can get really weird 2. Someone

OBJECTIVE To disengage said bra without looking

A man goes into a supermarket and buys a six-pack,

Three couples went in to see the minister about

And the Lord spoke to Noah: ''In six months I'm

A mother goes to visit her daughter. She walks

Little Johnny was playing with his father's wallet

A man walks into a bar and orders a double, obviously

Two aliens land their plasmic cosmo craft in Jack

1. The Female always makes THE RULES. 2. THE

One morning, seventy-five year old Marvin is

There was a young woman who lived with her grandmother.

A Texan, a Californian and a Seattlite were all

THINGY (thing-ee) n. For a female: Any part under

This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load

Q. What would the world be like without women? A.

Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested

If a man is alone in the forest, without any women,

This guy goes into a tattoo shop and requests to

One Thanksgiving a friend and I were walking down

This guy lives in Westchester, NY and goes to

A man walks into a bar and sees a large chest of

A man and his wife were invited to a swanky masked

A young man wished to purchase a present for his

What do you call a blonde in a leather jacket?

In the realm of the Mighty King Gates who has pulled

Two guys die in a car accident and an angel descends

A man is fibbing away about how great things

Three turtles, Joe, Steve, and Poncho, decide

MEMORANDUM RE: Computer Software Warning Last

(which in our society means over 25) An older

A man was scheduled to go before a firing squad

Three contractors were visiting a tourist attraction

A couple went to church every week, but every

(Disclaimer--Some of this stuff is illegal.) *Ask

Three couples want to join a church, but the pastor

A cat and a chicken die but end up in the wrong

1. Ride mechanical horses with coins fished out

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are crossing

Things a Man Would Do if He Woke up with a Vagina 10.

Rule One: I am aware that it is concidered fashionable

The worst thing in the world to be is a penis:

It was the day after Thanksgiving and all thru

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on an

A man's house is on fire. He runs out of the house

There are five people on a plane that's crashing.

How many lawyers does it take to change a light

Patient has two teenage children, but no other

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly

A young man and a young woman were soon to be married,

A guy gets out of the V.D. Hospital and decides

But everybody looks funny naked! You woke me

There were three men who got stranded on an island.

A fellow was ordered to lose 75 pounds, due to

Last week I took some friends out to a restaurant,

Two golfers meet on the same golf course, on the

Q: What do you get if you cross LSD with birth

you grind your coffee beans in your mouth. you

There once was a man who decided to go scuba diving

In the beginning was the Plan. And then came

Good girls loosen a few buttons when it's hot.

* We got off the Titanic first. * We can scare

A man was stranded on an island for two years,

Men are like a fine grape. They are best kept

Man who stick face in punchbowl get punch in nose.

20) With chocolate size doesn't matter; it's always

A blonde went to go get her haircut wearing pair

A Mismatched Pair of Gloves A young man wished

I'm currently running the latest version of GirlFriend

Ghost Poopie- The kind where you feel the poopie

A guy (we'll call him Aaron) was laying down carpet

A fellow walks into a bar very down on himself.

A man claimed he could name any animal that was

Two girls were walking down the sidewalk on a hot

For the first time in, oh, a decade, I think, something

Element: Woman Symbol: Wo Discoverer: Adam

A teacher decides that she is going to teach her

Three little boys were looking for a summer job.

1. Your Jedi robe is a camouflage color. 2.

Bob is a regular guy out at a local bar One night

There's this fellow with a parrot. And the parrot

One day this man says to his wife, "Lets take a

1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or

1) You can GET chocolate. 2) “If you love

The boss is finally old enough to retire from the

He's teaching her arithmetic, he said it was his

What did the antenna say to the TV? ''Without

A little old lady goes into the Chase Manhattan

One day little Bill was playing in the sand out

When an attractive young girl returned from her

You might be a redneck if your dog can't watch

Cross my heart this happened to someone. This guy

Women think they already know everything, but wait...training

A policeman directing traffic at a busy city intersection

    One day many years ago, a fisherman's

Shit is a powerful word. Just think of all the

Every day I give thanks to the Goddess: I have

One day, a diver was enjoying the aquatic world

As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I can get

Male Seminarsby Females 1.  Combatting 

WHAT WOMEN SAY & REALLY MEAN: CAN'T WE JUST

Joe was moderately successful in his career, but

A fellow bought a new Corvette and was out on an

During a busy pre-Christmas day at Sydney airport,

"I'm going fishing." Really means... "I'm going

1. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

After a Christmas break, a teacher asked her young

A couple has returned from their honeymoon and

It seems that a young couple had just gotten married

Cats' facial expressions. The need for the same

In the human body, which organ is in charge? All

Two little boys go into the grocery store. One

"COMPETITIVE SALARY"  We remain

This guy is not getting along so well with his

BETTER HOLD ON TO THOSE PANTIES...THEY COULD COME

Sitting by the window in her convent, Sister Anne

A secretary for a foreign embassy was entertaining

Big Busted Women -can get a taxi on the worst

An Ohio State University mortician student walked

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling

Why did the chicken cross the road? KINDERGARTEN

This is a true story from the WordPerfect helpline.

    'Twas the night before Christmas

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Saddam Hussein and George W. Bush meet up in Baghdad

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Jack tells his doctor how he can no longer sustain

Three couples went in to see the minister to see

ASTROLOGY: tells us about you and your future

    An OHIO STATE UNIVERSITY mortician

Ã, Ã, Ã,  If you receive an e-mail

This is not meant to be crude. It is strictly for

A young punk gets on the cross-town bus. He's got

Four men, an Engineer, an Accountant, a Chemist

If you want someone who will bring you the paper without first tearing it apart to remove the sports

Charlie's wife, Lucy, had been after him for several weeks to paint the seat on their commode. Finally,

Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested

A mother and a baby camel were talking one day when the baby camel asked, "Mom, why do we have these

Closer Than You Think! An unemployed man goes to apply for a job with Microsoft as a janitor. The

A banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year old rancher, in town. Tom had lost his wife a year

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned

George Bush meets with the Queen of England. He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the

After a day fishing on Lake Michigan, a fisherman is walking from the pier carrying two brown trout

A US Air Force C-141 is scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland at midnight. During the pilot's

An angel suddenly appears at a faculty meeting and tells the dean of the college that, in return for

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." Winston Churchill "A modest

Bad Metaphors from Stupid Student Essays (actually these are mostly similes, see Literary Terms) Her

1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow. 2. Money will buy a fine

Congress Votes to Outsource Presidency, Washington, DC (AP) Congress today announced that the office

TO: MR. JAMES THATCHER, BRAND MANAGER, PROCTER & GAMBLE. Dear Mr. Thatcher, I have been a loyal

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's

What, you ask, is "Butt dust?" Read on and you'll discover the joy in it! These have to be original

Even if you aren't a skier, you'll be able to appreciate the humor of the slopes as written by a New

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son

16. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed Your Ass Out All Day Long 15. If I Can't Be

The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his late

Last month, National University of Lesotho scientists released the results of a recent analysis that

If your unfortunate enough to have to visit Yankee Country - like Boston (pronounced BAH-stin), this

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program. The next day, there's a knock

Mid-life is when you go to the doctor and you realize you are now so old, you have to pay someone

# 10 Life is sexually transmitted. # 9 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which

MONDAY: It's fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately.

Pretty soon, I won't be able to do anything except sit in my chair and read! I must send my thanks

It's out! Brand new edition of... "You know you're A redneck when......" 1. You take your dog for

At a college with a shady reputation, the new dean responded to investigations into the basketball

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people

A father believed that his son was spending way too much time playing computer games. In an effort

A woman went to the doctor's office and was seen by one of the new young doctors. After about four

Life isn't like a box of chocolates; it's more like a jar of jalapenos: you never know what's going

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started. During

In case you have been waiting breathlessly for this year's Darwin Awards, here they are. The awards

Bill had always been a prankster. As each of his friends were married, Bill made sure some type of

I really wanted to send out some sort of holiday greeting but it is so difficult in today's world to

A company had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Management said, "Someone might steal from

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself

It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it, but, here is one: Two tall trees,

And your crybaby whinny opinion would be...? This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting. I

1. No cars up on blocks for longer than three weeks. 2. No changing your oil in the street. 3.

Smart Ass Answer #5: A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As

Wife: Oh, come on. Husband: Leave me alone! Wife: It won't take long. Husband: I won't be

Name of Boyfriend/Fiancé/Husband: I request permission for a leave of absence from the highest

When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly

1. The patient refused autopsy. 2. The patient has no previous history of suicides. 3. Patient

Little Tommy was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything; tutors, flash cards,

1. Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found 2. hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works

MIDDLETOWN, Ohio (AP) - The city's tax superintendent has been suspended without pay for a week for

1. "Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife." 2. "I've always wanted

Differential Theory of US Armed Forces (Snake Model) upon encountering a snake in the Area of Operations

This was developed as an age test by an R&D department at Harvard University. Take your time and

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. 2. One tequila, two tequila, three

THE WIT AND THE WISDOM OF HOMER J.SIMPSON "Now son, you don't want to drink beer. That''s for Daddys,

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years. One night, during one

A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem

John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Georgia. After

A young Technician and his General Manager board a train headed through the mountains on its way to

To the citizens of the United States of America: In the light of your failure to elect a competent

[The year would not be complete without the Darwin Awards - awarded every year to the persons who

Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption,

A gentleman was just out of surgery for a appendicitus. His wife sat calmly beside him holding his

A man is sitting at the bar in his local tavern, furiously imbibing shots of whiskey. One of his friends

George W. Bush and his veep running mate, Dick Cheney were talking, when George W. said, "I hate all

I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem. If swimming is so good for your

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program. The next day, there's a

This is how today's media would have reported the Normandy invasion to free those living under German

Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Congress said

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of sh*t . 2. I don't know what your

WASHINGTON, DC (AP) - Congress approved sweeping legislation, which provides new benefits for many

You live in Arizona when.. 1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade. 2. You

THINGY (thing-ee) n. female: Any part under a car's hood. male: The strap fastener on a woman's

Little Johnny 's next door neighbors had a baby. Unfortunately, the little baby was born with no ears. When

A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath

The story behind the letter below is that there is this nutball in Newport, Rhode Island named Scott

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me.

The woman entered the room, and with a knowing smile teasing her full lips,she sank into the comfort

A biker stopped by the local Harley Shop to have his bike repaired. They couldn't do the work while

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as

You may not know that many nonliving things have a gender. For example... 1) Ziploc Bags- They

Male Seminars by Females 1. Combatting Stupidity 2. You, Too, Can Do Housework 3. PMS: Learn

Recently scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their

10. Sometimes stays in bed till after 6 am. 9. In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women

He, who laughs last, thinks slowest. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film. A

A .. HARD-DISK Woman: She remembers everything you say and do,FOREVER.!!! B... WINDOWS Woman:

This is the best lawyer story of the year, decade, and probably the century. A Charlotte, NC, lawyer

George Bush goes to a primary [elementary] school to talk about the war. After his talk, he opens

A friend just got back from a holiday ski trip to Utah with the kind of story that warms the cockles

Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids. Never take life seriously.

1. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever! Unless you actually

A US Air Force C-141 was scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland at midnight. During the pilot's

Here are some observations about the politicians who run our country. They are from a Washington, D.C.travel

A man worked in a post office. His job was to process all mail that had illegible addresses. One

Description Missus manifests as a female humanoid providing cooking/cleaning features, and a sitting-room/TV

Two women friends had gone for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the

This is a test for men only and all "real men" will answer "C" to all of these questions. However,

A customer service award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being so clever

1. "I can't find it." MEANS: It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I am completely clueless.

These are actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. Her face was a perfect oval,

3 contractors are in a bar after work enjoying a cold one, when a truck crashes into the bar killing

An old man was sitting on a bus. A young man sat down beside him. He had spiked hair in all different

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats are. The first man was an Engineer, the second

The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his

Two elderly gentlemen, who had been without sex for several years, decided they needed to visit a

25. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye. 24. Her Teeth Was Stained, But

The boss ordered one of his men to dig a hole eight feet deep. After the job was completed the boss

Boudreaux went into the fish market to apply for a job. The boss thought to himself - I'm not hiring

A blonde had just totalled her car in a horrific road accident but miraculously, she managed to pry

A preacher went to his church office on Monday morning and discovered a dead mule (jackass to the

A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His camel dies of thirst. He's crawling

Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room with only a table and

A group of girlfriends are on vacation, when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads, "For

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm.

"I just love the French. They taste like chicken!" ---- Hannibal Lecter "I would rather have a

Add It Up: Relationship Guide For all you guys out there who just can't figure it out, here it is:

A man is waiting for wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born

There was a zebra who had lived her entire life in a zoo and was getting on in age so the zoo keeper

A farmer in the country noticed that a gentleman would fish at the lake (close to the farmer's house)

Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view. The fact that no one

A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida for a long weekend to thaw out during on particularly

A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, "We have special requirements

A new Mercedes owner was out on an interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested

It was early one morning when the Pastor heard a noise outside his door. When he opened it, he found

Two men were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freight vessel. While

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly

A young couple is out carousing one evening. While driving down the highway the guy says to the girl,

A young punk gets on the cross town bus and sits down in the only vacant seat, directly across from

A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the

"Yesterday, scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their

One day, a blonde who lived on the 12th floor of a high-rise apartment building was out on her balcony,

Three Kiwis and three Aussies are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three Aussies

A mother and baby camel are talking one day when the baby camel asks, "Mom why have I got these huge

A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, bee-lines for a butcher shop and steals a roast. The butcher

All the good knights were leaving for the Crusades. One knight told his best friend - "My bride

The world's first fully computerized airliner was ready for its maiden flight without pilots or crew.

A young man was delighted to finally be asked home to meet the parents. He was quite nervous about

A few housewives were sitting around the table talking, and the subject turned to their husbands. One

A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for the local butcher shop and steals a roast off

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, and as they had not been dating

Fay Chester was a busy housewife with a demanding husband, six children and a large house. The only

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party. The wife came down with a terrible headache

Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested

There were three friends Chris, John and Keith, who decided one sunny day to go for a walk in the

Programmer compiled an array of reasons as to why he can't find a girlfriend with a good on her , reason